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Positive Thoughts and Negative Thoughts Aren’t Bedfellows

by joi on August 25, 2010

“TRULY, thoughts are things, and powerful things at that, when they are mixed with definiteness of purpose, persistence, and a BURNING DESIRE for their translation into riches, or other material objects.” – Napoleon Hill

Ever wonder why so many self help experts, motivational speakers, and inspirational authors spend so much time on the subject of thoughts?  The answer’s pretty easy:  That’s where everything originates.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Your thoughts are basically the foundation of your life.  Everything is built upon them.

They’re that important.

The downside of the importance of thoughts? Your thoughts can be your undoing.  You can have everything in the world going for you but lack the ability to harness your think tank and make it work for you.  A talented, beautiful, charismatic person without the ability to think positively and proactively may as well be a prairie chicken.

The upside of the importance of thoughts? They can carry you further than your natural abilities and attributes could ever take you on their own. Here’s an illustration.  Have you ever seen someone who, if you had to be honest, was kind of on the unattractive side.  But their confidence – based upon the image of themselves they apparently held in their mind – made them downright gorgeous?!?  I knew a woman like that once.  When I first saw her, I thought, “Bless your heart…” (It’s a Southern thing, we’re always on the lookout to bless someone’s heart.)  But after I met her and spent a little time with her I was certain she should run for the title of Mrs. America.

Nature had given her face a Homer Simpson face, but she was convinced she was rocking a Jessica Simpson face.  Her confidence and mannerisms actually made her as lovely as Jessica.  From Homer to Jessica… now that’s what I call a makeover.  And it all began in her mind.

Build within your mind a strong image of the person you want to be:  Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  Don’t take this imagery lightly and never, ever, ever hold yourself back.  If you even think of saying, “I could never be that…,” I’ll know.   What’s more, I’ll show up on your doorstep fit to be tied.

If you can imagine it, you can become it.

“You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think.” – Walter Anderson

Concentrating and focusing on negative images and thoughts gives these negative presences a type of “staying power.”  By dwelling on them, we pretty much extend an invitation to them for an extended stay.  That’s the last thing we should want!

When the very next negative thought pops into your head, replace it with a positive thought.  If you begin to beat yourself up about something, flip the negative thought into a positive one.  Instead of saying, “I’m overweight,” say, “I’m getting more physically fit every day.”

Instead of saying, “There are so many things I don’t know,” say, “I’m learning new things every day!”

You get the picture… and isn’t it a positive one?

In the same way that negative thoughts move right into your life (toothbrush in hand), positive thoughts can become permanent house guests as well.  The beautiful thing is – negative thoughts and positive thoughts don’t get along.  When one moves in, the other moves out.

What Positive Thoughts Can Do For You

The mind is an amazing thing. We tend to live up to, or down to, our most frequent thoughts.   This is one of the reasons it’s so important to give a child positive reinforcements with encouraging words and praise.  Children think their parents know everything, so they take their every word as the Gospel truth.  Their thoughts center around the feedback their parents give them.  As I’ve said before, I was an only child (spoiled.. the whole stereotype firmly intact).  My parents always told me I could do anything.  My every stroke with a Crayon was sheer genius and everything out of my mouth was witty and wise.   My parents (along with grandparents and loving aunts and uncles) made me feel like I could do absolutely anything.

Positive reinforcement gives an individual power – whether the individual is a spoiled little girl or a grown adult.

Begin telling yourself the sort of things you’d tell your own child.  Be kind. Be gentle.  Be positive.  Be encouraging.  Never tell yourself you can’t do something you want to do.  Promise to figure a way to do it.

Form a clear image of the life you want in your mind today.  Right now, even!  Then begin paving the way from HERE to THERE one positive thought at a time. Of course it’ll take work, effort, and good old-fashioned elbow grease – but remind yourself that you’re headed in the right direction and that you’ll make it in grand style.

“The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

As you travel the path toward your goals, be on the lookout for negative thoughts – they’ll creep in like nasty little trolls.  Don’t let them wreck your progress or break your stride.  Simply push them out of the way with a positive thought.  I used to teach our daughters that when they were tempted to do something bad (pick on a sister, skip their homework, neglect their chores), the best way to handle it was to immediately do something good (make their bed, read, do a worksheet).   Good and bad aren’t on the same team.  And since one leads to good things happening and the other leads to bad things happening, the choice is a clear one.

The same’s true with thoughts.  Positive thoughts lead to good things and negative thoughts lead to bad things.

Child’s play.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” – Willie Nelson

Photo Credit: John Edwards

Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard

by joi on August 11, 2010

A few posts back, I mentioned the number of women I’ve personally heard from (and others who I have read about) who are currently struggling with what they call the “Empty Nest Syndrome” or as one lady (who’s kids still live at home) referred to as the “May as Well Be An Empty Nest Because the Birds are Always Gone Syndrome.”

As I’ve said before, I HATE the term “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  What is empty? The total absence of anything. If my coffee cup is empty – - – something that rarely happens, but that’s another story – - -  the cup is without anything in it.  Empty.  Nothing there.

If a home is empty, there isn’t anyone in it.  Empty.  No one there.

I was walking around my yard a few weeks ago when I saw a bird’s nest on the ground.  I, hesitantly, turned it over to see if anything was beneath it.  I was greatly relieved to find that the nest was empty.  No one home when it came crashing down.  Now that’s an EMPTY NEST.

A home in which at least one parent, often two, are living is anything but empty.

What you’re experiencing (and if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re going through the experience or, at least, know that it exists on the horizon) is simply another chapter in your life.  It’s a chapter that’s simply a little quieter with a little more “free time.”  From here on, I’ll refer to the aforementioned syndrome as the “Quiet House Chapter.”

The thing that makes this chapter seem so drastically and dramatically different is that it’s a huge transition.  You go from walking out to the car, one day, with multiple kids fighting over who’s turn it is to sit up front to walking out to the same car the next day with only your shadow as a companion.  He, or she, calls shotgun and off you go.

You go from making lunch for a party of 2, 3, 4, or 5 to making lunch for a party of one – two if your cat’s awake.

It’s not the end of the world, though, and I get crazy upset with people who act like it is.  It’s a new chapter, that’s all, and as any book lover knows, new chapters can be exciting.  New chapters can be challenging.  And new chapters can be, dare I say it, fun!

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to any of the emotions felt.   I’m a mother bird, too.  God blessed me more than I ever thought was possible when he allowed me to become a mother to three beautiful daughters who I love and cherish more than my next breath.  I’d wager to say that this transition in life is even tougher on mothers such as myself, who were stay-at-home moms while raising their children.

To compound the matter, this particular stay-at-home mom also home-schooled her children all the way through school.  That’s a lot of years of sitting at the table studying history, going to the library, picnics at the park, making lunch together, and so forth.

That’s why, I believe with all my heart, that my family has been kind of nonchalantly keeping an eye on me – waiting for Mother Hen’s wig to flip.  They know that my family is my life – they always have been and they always will be.  It doesn’t matter if we’re currently under the same roof or not.  Family is family no matter where they count their sheep.

When you get down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a working parent, a work at home parent, or a home-schooling parent,  when the life that you dearly love with every fiber of your being changes – it throws you.  What you have to do is make sure it throws you forward.  Allow it to make you stronger, not weaker.  Demand that it make you better, not bitter.

And, please let the only parties you throw be happy ones, as in no pity parties allowed.  I promise, you’ll be the only one there.

Whether you’re kids are living at home (yet seem to be gone all the time) or they’ve already moved out, there are certain tips for coping with the “Quiet House Chapter” as well as a little homespun advice from a Mother Hen who’s proverbial wig is still in place.

Playing in the Next Room

Here’s something I shared with one reader a few months ago.  I got an e-mail from her yesterday and she said the advice has worked “brilliantly” for her.  I could tell, just by reading her words that she was in a much better place.  The first few times she contacted me, I could almost “hear” tears in her words – this time I’m almost certain there was laughter.

Remember when your kids were small and they’d play in their bedroom or the living room?  Even if you were in the kitchen, you knew where they were – playing in the next room.  The concept of them staying in the same room you were in, 24-7, would have seemed bizarre.  Even though they played in the next room, you were their parent and they were your child and you loved them with all your heart.  You knew they were just a “call” away – whether it were you doing the “calling” because supper was ready or they did the “calling” because someone took their Barbie!

You were 1 call away.

When your kids are older and they seem to spend more time at the mall than their own bedroom, or they move out on their own or go off to college – it will truly help you to think of them as “playing in the next room.”   The beautiful thing is, you’re still just a “call” away.  Whether it’s you making the “call” because you’re making their favorite casserole for supper or they’re making the “call” because they want to know if paper plates are microwavable – you’re still 1 call away.

Pull Yourself Together

There will be days when you feel kind of sad.  There will be days when you think you’d give anything to turn back time.  There will be days when you’re kind of lonely.  It might remind you of when you, yourself, moved away from home for the first time – another huge chapter in your life.  But remember this:  Nothing really changed, did it?

Well, actually, very often things change for the better.  I honestly believe I grew closer to both my mother and my father after I got married.  The crazy thing is, I’m almost certain I saw them more often – especially when the granddaughters came!  I had them over for dinner several nights a week, we went shopping more often, we walked at the park, my mom always made Sunday dinner, my father and my husband talked for hours about sports…

Keep one thing in mind:  How you act as you enter this new chapter will determine just how much everyone will want to be around you!  If you make your kids, or husband, feel guilty or try to make them feel sorry for you – you will push them away.  No one wants to take a guilt trip – they’ll simply avoid the risk by avoiding you.  If, every time one of your kids calls you spend half the conversation talking about how lonely or miserable you are, do you really think they’re going to rush to the phone to call you again any time soon?

For your sake as much as the sake of your family, if you’re coming undone over the Quiet House Chapter, pull yourself together.

Idle Minds Are the Devil’s Workshop

Maybe it’s not the nest that’s as empty as it is the life.  I know, ouch. Many times parents get so wrapped up in raising, teaching, caring for, and playing with their children that they overlook one tiny little thing – everyone has to have their own life, their own interests, their own goals, their own ambitions, and their own smiles.

Yes, their own smiles.

When parents look at their children – we smile!  Even if the child is being a cantankerous little snot, on some level it amuses us. There’s nothing in the world wrong with smiling at your kids – I smile just thinking about mine.  What’s wrong is acting like they’re the only thing that can bring a smile to your face.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there – filled with, literally, countless things to smile at and about.

Never let anyone feel that one of their responsibilities in life is to flip your happiness switch.  Flip your own!

When the Quiet House Chapter begins, you’ll find yourself with lots of free time and free thoughts.  This is where the chapter takes on a certain level of excitement – you get to fill this free time and these free thoughts any way you want.  No one’s dictating what you have to do from this time to that time.    You can take up new hobbies, learn new skills, take up yoga, launch a home business, or write the next great vampire novel.

Below is a list of different adventures you might want to take:

  • Take up birdwatching.
  • Go to the Animal Shelter and rescue a dog who looks lonely.
  • Rescue two!
  • Learn to speak a new language
  • Learn cake decorating.
  • Take online classes in a subject that fascinates you.
  • Take up photography.
  • Learn everything you can about sharks, whales, dolphins, and the ocean.
  • Volunteer.
  • Begin reading all of Agatha Christie’s mysteries.  Start at the first and keep going until you’ve read them all.
  • Go to the shelter and adopt a couple of kittens.  Cats make incredible companions.
  • Grow an herb garden.
  • Buy a couple of yoga dvds, a great yoga book, and fall in love with the experience.
  • Take up serious walking or biking.
  • Take trips to your local state parks and zoos.
  • Go to the Grand Old Opry.
  • Learn to play an instrument.
  • Make candles, soap, jewelry, or all three.
  • Buy a sewing machine and take up sewing.
  • Learn to quilt.
  • Perfect your homemade bread recipe.
  • Start an eBay business – find great deals on antiques and collectibles, then sell them for extra cash.
  • Visit your library regularly.  Scourge the shelves for fascinating new subjects to read about.
  • Buy a bird!
  • Start an aquarium.
  • Buy hamsters and provide elaborate cages and mazes for them.
  • Start watching a sport you’ve never watched before. Pick a team and follow their every game.
  • Learn to make a great cake from scratch – then experiment with different recipes.

I know I mention pets a great deal – but, for one thing, I’m the biggest animal lover in the world… and for another, they STAY babies!

If you decide to pursue a certain interest, buy all the books and dvds you can find on the subject – check out books at the library, research it online, and embrace the fascinating new passion with all you have inside of you.

Please just remember this – it’s something I harp on a great deal on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds:  Never, ever stop living – the day you do, you start dying.  If you wake up one morning and you just aren’t sure you have any reason to laugh, find one!  When we move from one chapter to the next in life, there are a couple of things that are RIPE for picking:

  1. We can become bitter, sad, and refuse to make the transition from one chapter to the next.  We can keep looking back, with tear-stained eyes at the chapters we’ve already lived and make everyone around us nearly as miserable as we are.  We can make it so that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations – other than “Well, I hope YOU’RE happy.” and “I’m so LONELY.”  (Wonderful, wonderful conversation nuggets, don’t you think.)
  2. We can look back on our past chapters with joy and pride, while embracing the one we’re currently living in with all that’s within us.  We can become so busy learning new things and taking up new interests and hobbies that our spouse and our kids simply don’t know what we’re going to come up with next!  My oldest daughter was a little taken aback yesterday when I called her out to my garden to show her something I’d found:  On a sage leaf was the largest (HUGE) yellow spider I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so proud!  I had her take a picture of my sage loving friend.  My sweet, petite, lovely daughter said, “Kill it!” a couple of times but why would I go and do a thing like that?!  Yes, I’ve become fascinated with spiders.  I guess it was only a matter of time.   The mammoth spider lived to see another day and he provided me with another interest to pursue.

Life is filled with excitement, fun, and fascinating moments – as long as you keep looking for them.  I don’t beg often, but if you’re currently going through this chapter in your life, I beg you to fill your days with reasons to smile…  and, no they don’t have to be spiders!

If you ever want a sounding board, my e-mail is on the site.   Now, I’m off to the garden to see if  “Sargent Sage” is lurking around. Such a handsome devil.  (By the way, the spider at the top of the post isn’t my spider – it’s no where near as large or charismatic).

How to Make Money Writing Online

by joi on July 27, 2010

Right out of the box, I want to apologize for the cheesy title.  I mulled over a few others in my mind then thought, oh just cut to the chase.

The cheesy chase, as it were.

Most people are looking for ways to make more money these days.  I’m not sure why, I mean the economy did an about face, right? </ sarcasm> I can’t even begin to advise anyone on jobs outside of the home (never had one… well, I babysat once when I was 16, does that count?).

However, I am more than a little familiar with working online. I’ve been at it for many enjoyable years.

I’ve written other articles on Self Help Daily about building blogs, publishing blogs, and making money with blogs:

50 Tips, Plus 4, For Tripping the Blog Fantastic

Bloggers and Would-Be Bloggers, For Your Eyes Only

Being Sly as a Firefox When Blogging

Frequency of Blog Posts

Words of Motivation from a Fellow Blogger

A Great Must Read for Bloggers

The ABC’s of Blogging

There are others, of course – all of which can be found under the category BLOGGING.

I have done very well with web publishing and, if you have the drive and the time, it’s something you should consider.  If you have any questions, I’m just an e-mail away.

This article, however, isn’t about making money with blogging. This article is for those who either don’t have the inclination to blog or who are bloggers who wish to make even more money.  After all, life’s a beautiful thing – but it isn’t getting any cheaper to enjoy it. Below are a few websites you may want to look into.  There are varying requirements and the pay, most certainly, varies.

About.com One of the most popular and informative websites online accepts About.com Guides and Contributing Writers.  Guides are responsible for creating a “web” of resources within a particular niche (subject).  The Guide must be able to write articles that are informative to the novice as well as articles that will challenge and inform the expert.  About.com has a list of subjects which they are currently seeking Guides for.

About.com also has a list of subjects in which they’re seeking qualified writers.

With the reputation of this website (combined with the fact that they’re rumored to pay the most), this would be an excellent place to start you journey if you’re looking to make money writing online.

Associated Content – Associated Content is another great way to make money writing online.  Payments are made through Paypal and, like About.com, the reputation is golden.

As a bonus, I personally think having Associated Content contributor on one’s resume would look pretty impressive.  The same can be said of being an About.com Guide or Contributing writer.  If you were to one day branch out into writing for magazines or books, being able to back up your expertise with these reputable websites could really make a difference.

From Associated Content:

Upfront Payments:  Certain types of content can be submitted for Upfront Payment, meaning we’ll review your content, and send you an offer before we publish it. Current offers range from $2-$15. Be sure to read our Upfront Payment guidelines before choosing this option.

Assignments:  Need an idea? Just look at our Assignment Desk – the Web’s first – and claim one! Many assignments offer Upfront Payment. Claim one of these opportunities and we’ll send you the advertised payment amount if your content meets the requirements. Once you’re established on Associated Content, you can apply to our Featured Contributor program. Featured Contributors have access to top-dollar assignments for AssociatedContent.com and partner sites (these assignments typically pay between $10 and $100 upfront).

Performance Payments: Every piece of content you publish on AssociatedContent.com generates unlimited revenue for you based on the amount of traffic it receives (in addition to any Upfront Payment).

You earn money for every one thousand page views your content generates (PPM™ rate). The baseline PPM™ rate is currently $1.50 – meaning if you generate 30,000 page views, you’re paid $45.00 in Performance Payments. As your library of content grows and your total page views accumulate, your Clout level increases. When you reach Clout 7 and beyond, your PPM™ rate will gradually increase up to a maximum of $2.00 per thousand page views. Click here to read more about the Clout system.

Our top Contributors earn hundreds (in some cases, thousands!) of dollars per month in Performance Payments – and so can you. Performance Payments are sent monthly and are based on an aggregate of the page views on all your content – the more you publish, the more you can earn!

E-How.com – Finally, E-How.com is a fun way to make money online.  This is actually the only one of the three suggestions here that I write for.  I plan to look into the others, however, simply because I love to write.  As someone who writes, I’ve found that the best way to hone your writing and keep your skills sharp is to use them as often as possible.

When I first signed up with E-How, I found that (instantly) doing extra writing made words flow more freely.  When anyone asks me how I come up with so much to write about and how I keep the well from running dry – my answer’s always the same:  I never stop!

E-how articles show up incredibly well in Google, and since your payment is based upon the number of eyes that read your article – this is a very good thing for you.

  1. Look to the past, as in the Public Domain. Books that were written prior to 1930 often carry a wealth of information.  I use them often in my research – after all, a lot of advice simply doesn’t change.  I also read them for fun.  I recently began reading a book filled with tips and advice from teachers (Copyright 1918) and principals.  The book reads beautifully and is like a journey into history each time I open the book.  The point is, I grabbed a notebook and pen a few nights ago, while reading this amazing book, and counted up information that could potentially be converted into 100 articles.  Truth be told, I flat-out quit at 100 – it was undoubtedly a lot more.  The same could be said for countless other books in the public domain.
  2. Are you a fan of libraries? I (along with daughters #1 and #3 aka Emily and Stephany) could spend days on end in a library – assuming coffee is served. Often.  You could very well take a great notebook and a couple of pens to your local library and research a given subject.  Accumulate as much great information as possible and turn it into articles.
  3. You can also write informative how-to articles and tutorials about things you’re good at or things you know how to do. I’m an avid cook, so I’ve written several articles centered around cooking and recipes. For someone who’s kitchen is their favorite playground, turning out articles like this takes very, very, very little time.

When it comes to making money writing online, it’s like a lot of other things in life – you can make as little or as much as you’d like.  Nothing can stop you except your own goals and your own determination.

These are, of course, just three of the many places available to make money writing online.  There are many others.  I’m in the process of checking into the others for a follow-up post, but I wanted to go ahead and run with these three.

Cheesy title and all.

Writers, here’s something really fun: I Write Like is a website that will analyze your writing and tell you which author you “write like.” They’ll compare your writing style to some of the greatest authors in the world and let you know who’s style yours’ most resembles.

I entered a few paragraphs from a recent blog post and I was told that my writing most resembles Gertrude Stein.  I wasn’t familiar with the author, so I embarked on a little research.  The first quote attributed to Gertrude Stein told me that I Write Like is onto something: “I do want to get rich, but I never want to do what there is to do to get rich.”

She had another quote that sounded pretty much like me too: “To write is to write is to write is to write is to write is to write is to write”.

Relationships: Handle With Care

by joi on July 23, 2010

Relationships. Two of my daughters (Emily and Stephany) and I recently had a killer discussion about relationships – not just romantic relationships.  We went deep -  delving into what we thinks makes any and all relationships work, as well as the things that keep them from working.

Deep waters for a Wednesday afternoon walk, but it kept our minds off of the heat.

We all agreed that treating others with kindness and respect were pivotal ingredients of a healthy relationship.  All three of us love nothing more than laughing, so we immediately agreed that any relationship without humor is… well… headed nowhere fast.  As for the romantic relationships, we agreed that putting the other person needs ahead of your own is VITAL.

We also hit upon something else that I thought was pretty key.

I told my girls that I’ve been getting A LOT of e-mails lately from mothers who are either experiencing an “empty nest,” dreading the “empty nest,” or are learning to  make the adjustment from small children to the young adult variety.

I’m not sure what this surge in sad moms is attributed to, but my heart goes out to my fellow madres.

First of all, I have to say that (with all due respect to anyone who uses or has ever used the phrase “empty nest syndrome” – I hate that expression with a peculiar hatred).  For one thing, most of the time the so-called nest is still occupied by one or two parents…. often a cat or dog…. sometimes all of the above – at any rate, this does not an “empty” nest make.

More importantly, it doesn’t make an “empty” life.

I think that when someone feels emptiness in any area of their life, they should fill it.  Often it’s not the nest that’s empty – it’s the life.  At any rate, I have future articles planned for this very subject, with lots of tips and tricks of the trade to help these parents make these transitions with grace.

It’s so much better for all involved!

The reason I bring these particular parents up at the moment is because many of them make a perfect illustration for another key element in relationships.

Here’s a scenario (mark it down, it’s happening somewhere in the world even as you’re reading these words):  A mother is left at home while her husband is off at a ballgame.  The kids (who once would be watching television or making lovely noise that fills the house) are now suddenly on dates, at school, or out with friends.

When everyone comes home, they’re met with an icy stare and an attitude hiding a broken heart.  When they finally get her to speak (occasionally it takes a while to break the ice), she hits them each right between the eyes and nearly knocks them to the floor with what has become a potent weapon: Guilt trips.

Naturally, nothing good comes from it.  Instead of curing the ills of one person, suddenly the whole family is miserable.  The problem is the husband and, especially the kids, have no point of reference.

Too often, all of us expect the other person or persons to understand how we FEEL – when that’s next to impossible… they’ve never been in the peculiar situation we’re in and have no point of reference.

It’s foreign to them, so asking them to “understand” is nearly impossible.  Everyone winds up frustrated and – in the end – the one who started the ball rolling wishes with all their might they’d just held the ball.  Sat on the ball. Swallowed the ball.

The same goes for the father who has worked hard to pay for his tools and rides his son extra hard to put them back, gently, where they belong.  The young son doesn’t  have a point of reference since he hasn’t had to work hard and save for something as nice as the tools his dad now treats so carefully.

The dad can blow up (and many do) but, in the end – what does the son wind up thinking, “Hot head! Why doesn’t he just chill… they’re tools for crying out loud?!”

No point of reference.

How about the wife who loses patience with her husband because he doesn’t want to “talk things out?”  She’s accustomed to talking until her lips are numb with her mother, sisters, and friends.  What’s his problem? Males don’t grow up “talking things out” – guess they’re too busy saving for, buying, and standing guard duty on their tools. (Sorry, guys – much love to you and your tools.)

I’m not saying that when we’re hurt we should keep a lid on it. No, no, no, not even close.

However, I am suggesting a few things:

  1. Before giving your emotions a voice, let the emotions come down a few decibels. If you speak when you’re angry or hurt, the words that come out of your mouth aren’t the words you’d “sign off on” if you were in your right frame of mind.  You’d want to edit the heck out of them.  Angry words are stones hurled at relationships.
  2. Sometimes, if you give your emotions a little break (by watching a baseball game, taking a shower, taking a walk, visiting Mayberry with Andy Griffith…) – they’ll be much more reasonable when you call upon them to testify.
  3. Even better, often if you give your emotions a much-needed break, you’ll find out that what you thought was worth blowing up over actually doesn’t even warrant a mention. Your relationship will remain intact and you can save your “anger card” for a more appropriate time.
  4. If, after the break, you feel that your emotions need to be heard (and often this is the case), do so in a manner that your point will come across rather than your anger or pain.  Don’t go on the attack.  Doing so will only cause the other person to throw up every shield and response mechanism they can find. Then a fight is more than likely to go down.  Then, make no mistake about it, your point is toast.  You are instantly public enemy number 1.  Anyone who happens to be caught in the crossfire will see you as little more than a public nuisance as well.  Be calm. Be reasonable. Be mature.  Be an adult.
  5. Take selfishness out of the equation.  If you’re feeling ignored, put upon, over-worked, slighted, etc – ask yourself, “And when did the world start revolving around me?”  Some of the things people get bent out of shape over remind me of 5 year olds on a playground.  “She said this!… He isn’t letting me have the ball!… She won’t play with me!….”  Kids on a playground don’t think of the other kids.  They think of themselves.  They don’t think, “I bet he’d love to play with this ball.  I’ve had it for a long time, I’m going to let him play with it.”  Adults should be capable of  thinking outside of the parameters of self.  We don’t always do it, but we’re more than capable!  Relationships require mature individuals thinking about the other person as opposed to just thinking about themselves.
  6. Every now and then ask yourself if you’re a fun person to hang around!  Do you look for the good in life? Do you look for the good in people?  Do you like to complain and moan a little too much – so much so that it’s become a habit? Do you love to laugh and, if you can’t find a reason to laugh, create a reason?!
  7. Show the people you love that they’re the people you love.

Relationships. Think about the word over the coming days.  The relationships in my life are my riches.  I value them more than a cat values her next meal, more than a girl values her cellphone, more than a boy values his X box, more than a baby values milk, and – yes – even more than a man values his Sears tools (If I knew a great brand, I’d use it – I could walk out to my husband’s toolbox and check the name written on the handle, but I might trigger the alarm system…).   Relationships are more valuable than gold but, unfortunately, they can also be more fragile than glass.

You’ll do yourself the biggest, grandest, most supreme favor ever if you’ll begin treating your relationships with this in mind. 

Relationship Reminders:

  • What’s said cannot ever be unsaid.
  • What’s done cannot ever be undone.
  • People usually forgive but they never forget.
  • Every word out of your mouth paints the picture of your reputation and pens your autobiography.
  • Be the person you’d want to be around.  If you’re a wife, be the sort of wife you’d want to have.  If you’re a husband, be the sort of husband you’d want to have.  If you’re a daughter, be the sort of daughter you’d want to have. If you’re a son, be the sort of son you’d want to have.  If you’re a mother, be the sort of mother you’d want to have.  If you’re a father, be the sort of father you’d want to have.
  • Keep in mind that the other person may not have a point of reference.  They aren’t trying to mistreat you or cause you mental anguish – very often, they simply don’t understand where you’re coming from.  If you aren’t conveying the message in a way they “get,” the fault isn’t entirely theirs.  Make your point, but please make sure it’s worth making first.
  • Remember, it isn’t always about you.  It really isn’t.
  • Remember, sometimes it is about you. Contradiction? Not really. (Read the article on the other side of the link!)

I want you to have the best life possible – filled with the happiest days and nights imaginable.  I know that this isn’t possible if you don’t start treating your relationships as the valuable treasures they are.  Please don’t take people for granted and please don’t ever, ever treat them as though they just don’t quite measure up. The people you love deserve so much better than that.

When it comes to relationships, when all’s said and done: You’ll wish you’d said less and done more.

The Link Between Creativity and Depression

by joi on July 16, 2010

Below is a guest post by a very talented, award-winning author and teacher. I’d like to thank Diana Raab very much for including Self Help Daily on her blog book tour. We’re very honored to have her and thrilled to share her wisdom with you.

by Diana M. Raab, MFA, RN
http://www.dianaraab.com

Remember sadness is always temporary. This, too, shall pass. – Chuck T. Falcon

It has been said that creative persons, such as authors, artists, actors, musicians, performers and poets are more often plagued with the demon of depression. One of the reasons is that creative types tend to feel powerful emotions which could aid in their creative endeavors. If we examine the lives of accomplished artists, such as Vincent Van Gogh, Charles Darwin, Virginia Wolf, William Styron, Anne Sexton, Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath, we will observe that they all battled with depression at some point in their lives. If you’ve ever been depressed then you understand the sense of helplessness and numbness which accompanies this illness. Sometimes a sense of helplessness drives creative individuals to the drawing or writing pad, but other times, it can be immobilizing.

Approximately seven percent of the general population is affected by depression or bipolar disorder, and studies have shown that this number tends to be higher amongst creative types. Bipolar disorder is characterized by episodes of mania and major depression. Typically, someone who is manic depressive tends to swing from excessive highs (mania) to profound hopelessness (depression). In between these episodes, they typically they have periods of normal mood. Some people can also have mixed symptoms of both mania and depression at the same time, while others may have more moderate symptoms of mania.

In his book, Van Gogh Blues, Eric Maisel proclaims that virtually one hundred percent of creative people suffer from episodes of depression. He verifies this by saying that every creative person came out of the womb ready to interrogate life and determine for herself what life would mean, could mean, and should mean. He believes that depression in creative individuals is thought of as a crisis caused by chronic, persistent uneasiness, irritation, anger, and sadness about the facts of existence and life’s apparent lack of meaning. In fact, those who try to understand the reason for their own existence will most likely be more prone to depression. This theory refutes the belief that depression has genetic roots, and this would be a good subject for another article.

Kay Redfield Jamison, a foremost expert on bipolar disorder and someone who has also suffered from the disease since childhood, believes that most artistic geniuses are manic depressive. Jamison is also author of Touched With Fire and professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. Her book makes a powerful link between depression and creativity.

When a writer is depressed, he or she may turn to writing to ease the pain. The writing process can help the creative person make sense of their lives and helps to validate what they are feeling. Writing brings us face-to-face with reality. The act of moving the pen across the page or the fingers on the keyboard can be meditative and calming. Expressing your feelings helps to give meaning to your life, something which is helpful for us all to do!

BIONOTE

DIANA M. RAAB

Diana Raab is an award-winning writer and teacher specializing in personal writing and memoir. She is a guest blogger on numerous websites. She teaches at the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program and at various conferences around the country.

Her most recent memoir/self-help book is called, Healing With Words: A Writer’s Cancer Journey and has already received stellar reviews and she’s set up for many interviews.

Her memoir, Regina’s Closet: Finding My Grandmother’s Secret Journal (Beaufort Books, 2007)) won the 2008 National Indie Excellence Award for Memoir and the 2009 Mom’s Choice Award for Adult Nonfiction.

She’s editor of the anthology, Writers and Their Notebooks (University of South Carolina Press, January 2010).

She has three poetry collections: My Muse Undresses Me (2007), Dear Anaïs: My Life in Poems for You (2008), winner of The Reader Views Award and Allbooks Reviews Editor’s Choice and The Guilt Gene (2009).

She’s the recipient of the Benjamin Franklin Book award for best health and wellness book for her book, Getting Pregnant and Staying Pregnant: Overcoming Infertility and High Risk Pregnancy. It has been translated into French and Spanish. In 2009 the book was updated and released in its 20th anniversary edition, under the title, Your High Risk Pregnancy: A Practical and Supportive Guide in collaboration with Dr. Errol Norwitz of Yale School of Medicine.

For more information, please visit her website: http://www.dianaraab.com. and blog, http://www.dianaraab.com/blog.

Life Mates: Why You Should Choose Wisely

by joi on June 21, 2010

First of all, before getting to any sort of other thoughts or tangents, a happy belated Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful husband and all of the other dads out there.  I was busy cooking for my special guy all day yesterday (Grilled hot dogs and baked beans for lunch, Spinach Manicotti and Garlic Bread for supper and a mulit-layered cake from scratch with lemon fruit filling between the layers – frosted with my favorite fluffy frosting recipe… serious YUM!) for dessert.  Then I collapsed (along with a few of the golfers) and watched a little golf with him.

For obvious reasons, I didn’t get by Self Help Daily to wish you guys a happy day yesterday – so here are your dues today… Happy Father’s Day!

A few of my daughters and I have been talking a lot about relationships lately.  So, I figured since my thoughts were already headed in that direction, I’d just run with it.  Whether you’re still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right or you’ve found your soul mate, you know how very, very important it is to choose wisely.

Jackson Brown said it best, “Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  So. True.

Young people (and even not so young!) often have the wrong priorities when looking for their life partner. If you base your relationship solely on money or solely on attraction, you’ll soon learn that if someone doesn’t have more than a full bank account or a beautiful face going for them, they’re of little worth – to you or themselves.

I wish I could sit down and talk with every girl, boy, woman, or man who’s looking for that special person.  I wish I could write down Jackson Brown’s outstanding quote and frame it for them.   Getting inside their head with this truth would do one of two things:

  1. Help them avoid making the biggest mistake of their life.
  2. Help them make the smartest decision of their life.

Forget money, forget strong shoulders, forget beautiful eyes, forget beautiful smiles, even forget a laugh that makes you laugh right along with them – even when you don’t get the joke.  You have to make certain that the person you commit yourself to spend your life with is your soul mate.  You have to be certain that this is the person that will bring you happiness, peace, and joy.

He or she has to be the person that will make any apartment, house, or trailer feel like Heaven on earth.

Make no mistake about it, you’ll have arguments.  If, that is, you’re both humans and not sheep.  You’ll have some doozies, mark it down!  You’ll yell, you’ll stomp around, and you’ll (at times) make a perfect fool of yourself.  These things happen when people love one another…. comes with the territory.  Keeps things interesting.

When I think of the words Soul Mate, I think of my husband – I guess it’d pretty much suck if I didn’t.  My husband, Michael, is my blue-eyed proof of Jackson Brown’s quote.  See, I think a soul mate should be someone who “jives” with you, someone who speaks your language even when you aren’t speaking.  He/she should “get” you and respect you even when they may not see eye to eye with you.

A soul mate should be ready to stand beside you, even when you’re wrong – and dare anyone to say the words out loud.

Here’s one of the things I adore most about my husband:  He lets me be me.  He doesn’t try to change me or make me feel bad for my quirks (I have a collection of them, but that’s another article.).  You may have guessed by now – but I’m the poster child for animal lovers.  If I could, I would surround myself with about 20 of every kind of animal known to exist.

I’ve always been this way.  When we first met, Michael didn’t have any pets whatsoever.  I quickly took care of that.

Over the years, I’ve subjected this man to countless cats, dogs, and birds. Strays are drawn to me like bees to honey.  Whenever a new dog or cat has ever come into our yard, the process never deviates:

  1. I rush out to welcome (and name) the new family member.
  2. Michael quietly heads off to the store for dog food or more cat food.

He isn’t what you’d necessarily call a “dog person” but not long ago two beautiful, frisky, adorable black dogs came into our yard.  He  went for food.

When my mom passed away, we took in her adorable dog Wednesday.  Michael and Wednesday became the best of buddies and took walks each night.  I’m not sure which one of them looked forward to them more, but I suspect that he was the one with just two legs.

The thing is, if you want to have a happy life – one filled with laughter, smiles, peace, and love – choose the individual you’ll spend your life with more carefully than you’ve ever chosen anything.

  • Choose the person who makes you smile even when you’re down.  Stay away from the person who brings you down even when you’re smiling.
  • Choose the person who makes you feel good about yourself.  Stay away from the person who makes you feel bad about yourself – as though you don’t quite measure up.
  • Choose the person who fits in well with your family.  Avoid the person who ridicules your family, causes tension, or tries to start trouble.  So not worth it.
  • Choose the person who makes life fun! Avoid the person who seems to be allergic to fun and laughter.
  • Choose the person who has similar interests to your own.  Sure, you need to have individual interests as well (I’ll never be a golfer any sooner than my husband will be a baker), but you should have plenty of things in common.  If you don’t, you’ll never have anything to talk about!
  • Choose the person who respects you, your opinions, your beliefs, and what you stand for.  Avoid the person who’s looking for a clone of themselves. Give them a mirror and send them on their way.

If you, like me, have already found your soul mate, you might want to pause for a while and just think about how lucky you are.  It’s a pretty rare thing, you know.

“Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  – Jackson Brown

RESPECT, Find Out What it Means to You

by joi on June 17, 2010

“Men are respectable only as they respect” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I got an e-mail earlier – one of those e-mails that make the rounds.  Nine out of ten times these e-mails provoke a positive response from me:

  1. Cute pictures of animals make me smile from my head to my toes.
  2. Jokes make me laugh – even the ones I don’t get.
  3. E-mails that caution the reader about online scams or viruses make me cautious.
  4. E-mails pointing me to great recipes make me thankful… and hungry.

But every once in a while one comes along that I delete faster than I eat a chocolate cupcake.  I, for one, don’t like e-mails that are disrespectful to anyone.  It doesn’t matter if I like the person or what they stand for, whatsoever.  I have a strong distaste for disrespect and very little use for people who are disrespectful.

I remember the very first Presidential election I was cognizant of.  My mom and my dad were huge, huge, huge supporters of one of the candidates.  They talked about it so much that I got the impression they actually knew him.

Unfortunately (for them) their guy did not win.  When the day came for the “swearing in” of the gentleman who did win, my mom sat down in front of the television to watch.  She made very nice comments about his wife and seemed genuinely proud for both of them.  It was a bit much for my young, Barbie-doll-obsessed mind to handle, so I asked her why she was watching the “bad guy” enjoy the win.

She was very quick to point out that he wasn’t the “bad guy”.  She extolled his virtues as well as those of his wife and said that he had her full support.  She then said something that has always stuck with me.  She said, “He’s my President now.”

I recall that she did, as always, follow the news and never missed a Presidential address.  I also recall that she never said an unkind word about him.  Ever.  Even when the next election rolled around and the man she voted for won, she cried as the other one left office.  I didn’t even ask why, I knew:  He had been her President.

That wasn’t just the sign of a well-mannered southern woman and it wasn’t just a case of a patriotic lady.  It was a complete and total lesson in R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

What most people fail to realize is this:  When you are disrespectful toward an individual (whether it’s the President of the United States, a politician from Alaska, or the lady who waits on you at the grocery store), you say far more about yourself than you do them.

And none of it’s good.

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me. All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson

None of us will agree with everything anyone does or says.  Whether it’s Sarah Palin’s hunting (grrrrr) or President Obama’s Health Plan (?????).  I’m certainly not saying that we don’t have the right to express our opinions.  Many brave men died to provide us with that right.  All I’m saying is this:  There’s a difference between stating your opinion and being downright nasty and disrespectful.

When a national magazine placed Mrs. Palin on the cover in casual attire, wearing kind of a wild-eyed expression – it wreaked of disrespect.

When bloggers post jokes about President Obama or our First Lady, it wreaks of disrespect.

Disrespect doesn’t just show up on the political scene, of course.  How about our daily life?

  • Do you treat your spouse with respect?
  • Do you treat your parents with respect?
  • Do you treat your children with respect?
  • Do you treat your children’s friends with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandparents with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandchildren with respect?
  • Do you treat workers in public with respect?
  • Do you treat your co-workers with respect?
  • Do you treat strangers with respect?

Notice that it isn’t just important to treat people who are older than you with respect.  Young people deserve respect as well.  As I’ve pointed out before, the respect you show toward others says a lot more about your manners, your culture, your character, your breeding, and your nature than it does the other person’s.

This may sound like the cat biting the hand that strokes it, because I make my living from the internet and blogs – but I think both have contributed greatly toward the disrespect so prevalent amongst people today.  Social media isn’t helping things either.  Last week, I had a comment left one one of my blogs that wasn’t just contrary, it was down-right mean.  She didn’t contribute anything to the conversation or to the topic at hand, whatsoever.  She just spat a little venom and slithered off.

I welcome commentators who disagree with me.  In fact, I had a fascinating conversation (in the comments on Self Help Daily) with one individual about sunning.  They really challenged my thinking and made me dig deeper in my research.  I loved it!  They were respectful and I greatly enjoyed the back and forth.  They made me reconsider a few things and I’m grateful that they took the time to leave comments.

But this gal – wow.  No good came from it and her whole demeanor was disrespectful and childish.

Very often, that’s the trademark of disrespect – childishness. A mature person will treat everyone around them with respect. When they disagree with an individual, they’ll do so in a manner that makes you want to hear them out, not run away, covering your ears and hoping a tree falls on them.

“Judging others against our own standards is being egoistical. Respect everyone’s right to be different!” – Wai-Fatt Yee

Every now and then, examine how you treat others – at home, at work, online, in the store….  Do you treat people with respect?  If not, do you realize that you’re hurting yourself far more than you are anyone else?  I don’t want you to do that!  I want the world to see you for the wonderful, classy, extra-cool person that you are.

You’ve got style, kid, why not let everyone see that?!?!

More Quotes about Respect

Be Happy! Grandma Moses, Bison, Flashy Ribbons, and a Heavy Love Seat

by joi on May 20, 2010

One of my dearest online friends recently told me that he was going through a particularly tough time and feeling incredibly sad. My heart breaks for anyone who feels this way – but never more so than when a person who’s face I know feels such crushing sadness.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Some who are reading these words right now may find themselves under a dark, heavy sadness.

Unfortunately there are no magic words. If there were, I’d bottle them and give them away. You can’t GOOGLE “How to be happy,” early in the morning, click on the first result and be on top of the world by noon.

However, there is hope. There’s always hope. For every one person who is, at this very moment, in the shadow of sadness, there is another stepping out of the shadow. For every one person who is on the verge of crying, there is another who is suddenly having trouble containing their laughter. One can’t remember how happiness feels and the other can’t completely remember how sadness feels.

I only hope that something within these words can help you find your way out of your own personal shadow.

The Heavy Love Seat

Not long ago, we got a new couch and love seat. They are incredibly heavy.  I remember when my husband and our daughter Stephany’s boyfriend (Rusty) moved them into the house.  Each looked like he’d just ran a marathon – while packing a bison on his back.  These are strong guys, mind you, but the furniture nearly did them in!

Last week, while watching an episode of the Golden Girls (an afternoon ritual for me and our cat, Alexa), I decided that the love seat needed to move back some.  I love to do yoga while watching the Girls, and my feet kept hitting the love seat. With great heaving, I pushed its ridiculously heavy girth backward.

I noticed that it had left indentions in the carpet.  How could it not, when it was the size of a bison? I’m nothing if not anal, so I tried to force the crushed carpet to rise to the occasion.  I coaxed, fluffed, and tried to make it look as good as it did pre-burden.

It was having none of it.

A few days went by, however, and the carpet seemed to lift its spirits.  The spot of the weighty burden can’t even be detected.  It’s as though the carpet told me, “I just needed a little time.”

It was like a huge bison standing on grass, then slowly moving away.  The “injured” grass beneath his heavy feet slowly heals and rises to blow in the wind once more.  For the grass that was once crushed beneath the beautiful bison’s weight to stay crumples would be perfectly ridiculous and would serve no purpose whatsoever.

In “My Life’s History,” Grandma Moses wrote, “Then Anna was born, so I had four babies to care for.  But we got along very nice till the children got the scarlet fever, that was a hard year but it passed on like all the rest.“

Given the fact that Grandma Moses lived to be 92, she knew a thing or two about the passing of time – good or bad.  As she looked back over her life, she was able to see, clearly, that a very bad time passed on like the rest.  She remained (for over 90 years!) alert, creative, happy, and full of life and, in my very humble opinion,  her attitude was one of the reasons.  Grandma Moses realized that… well… life is as beautiful as you want it to be.

Life may be full of people getting knocked down but it’s also full of people getting back up, dusting off their backsides, and telling their opponent (whether it be cancer, the economy, an individual, a personal struggle…), “I’m stronger than you gave me credit for.  You may have caught me off guard and knocked me down but it’ll take a whole lot more than YOU to keep me there!”

It’s human nature, after being knocked down, to just stay there.  I’m not sure if we stay down because we’re afraid to get back up (after all, that’s where we were last time we were knocked down – what if it happens again!?!), we’re too weak to stand, or it’s simply easier to stay down than to exert the effort to rise.  Whatever the reason, we all have a tendency to just lie there – creating spiritual and emotional scars the way my love seat created indentations in the carpet.

I moved – with no small effort – the love seat and allowed the indentations to rise. We can just as surely move – with no small effort – our heartaches and allow the scars to heal.

It’s all about making a choice.  Remember, we make our choices and, then, our choices make our lives. You have to choose to get back up, choose to look at the beauty around you and within you, choose to let go of negative emotions, and choose to get on with your life.  Bitterness, anger, resentment, and jealousy are the things that give sadness its weight.  When you release these negative emotions, you’ll find that you can move the burden off of you.

Say, out loud, I‘m releasing my anger (or bitterness, remorse, guilt, pain…).  Good riddance!

I know I’ve shared this story before on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds, but it’s worth repeating because I know that if it’s an emotion I’ve felt before, others have as well.  The first Christmas after my mom died, I felt so completely sad and missed her so much that Christmas trees and decorations were the furthest things from my mind.  Me… the person who loves Christmas more than anyone in the world!

I had brought in the Christmas ornaments, the tree, the lights, the decorations, and so forth.  Stephany and I stacked them in a corner of the living room.

Then, I more or less ran to my bedroom and threw myself across the bed.  Tears came down hot and heavy as I recalled the years my mother and I had put up Christmas trees – talking a mile a minute about cookies, candy, presents, and so on.   I got my profound love for holidays from my mom.  She always did things up HUGE and I’m proudly carrying on the tradition!

While lying across the bed, I knew that my daughters and husband were in different parts of the house – possibly even wondering if it would be okay to even try to get in the Christmas spirit.  I’d managed to slip away and have my tear fest without them seeing – but they had to know what I was going through.

I reasoned with myself that I could lie there and feel completely miserable or I could get up, wipe my eyes, and get on with life.  I knew full-well what my mom would want me to do:  Get up and decorate that Christmas tree with the brightest lights, the flashiest ribbons, and the most magnificent ornaments at my disposal.

She’d want me, Michael, and her much, much, much beloved granddaughters to be happy and our home to be filled with joy and the Christmas spirit.

I made the decision to dry my eyes, put on a little makeup, throw on a smile, and get after that tree.  My husband smiled at me as I walked through the house, and Stephany sprung up to help make the Christmas tree magnificent.  We talked a mile a minute about cookies, candy, presents, and so on.

I made the right choice.

I did the right choice in another very emotional and trying situation as well.  Due to my husband’s career, my family and I lived on Pensacola Beach (in a beautiful beach house – right on the water) for a while. We lived on Santa Rosa Island with countless sea gulls and pelicans.  The dining room wall was nothing but windows looking out over the ocean and its beautiful gulls, pelicans, waves, dolphins, and so on.  Each morning and each evening, I’d watch with joy as dolphins played, basically, in my back yard.

Paradise?  You betcha.

Michael’s career then pulled a fast one on us and demanded that we leave Florida and move back home to Kentucky.  I love Kentucky, but it’s never easy to leave paradise.

On the day we were leaving the island, I drove our Caravan while Michael drove ahead of me in the U-Haul. While driving over the bridge – leaving the island – part of my mind questioned me, “Are you going to take a look back in the rear view mirror to see what you’re leaving one last time?”  I thought, “Heck no. I’m looking forward, toward my next great adventure!”

Right decision.  Where we live now (Kentucky) is greener and I can actually enjoy snow again! We also got the blessing of spending a lot more time with my mom in her last years.  Huge blessing!  It was just in a bit of a disguise, that’s all.

When things happen that hurt, you have to INSIST on healing and INSIST on moving forward.  Don’t stay where you are, weighed down with “bison-like” weight – cementing your emotional scars in deeper and deeper.  Please make the decision to get up and move on with your life.

We all only get one shot at life.  Any time spent feeling sad is time wasted.  The best revenge you can have on anyone or anything that has knocked you down is to get back up….. stronger, better, and happier than ever before.

Heck, that’ll knock them down.  Sweet.

Photo Credit: Bison Pictures

What We Can Learn From The Biggest Loser’s Ashley

by joi on May 14, 2010

As you know, I’m a self-confessed addict of The Biggest Loser.  I never make it through an episode without crying, laughing out loud, and feasting on high levels of inspiration and motivation.  And that’s all before the first commercial break.  This show is in a league of its own. It’s one of the few truly important shows on television and one of few that I’d totally recommend to anyone and everyone.  It can change your life.

This has been one of the best seasons of The Biggest Loser yet.  There hasn’t been one single contestant that I wanted to drop kick to Kansas (Remember Tracy?). In fact, each elimination has kind of smarted and a few brought tears.  Any of these remaining 4 could be – and should be – the winner.

I’ve got nothing but love for the entire group, but there’s one particular contestant that I fell hard for:  Ashley.  What a doll! As the mother of three girls, I’m always a bit partial to young girls.  When they’re on the show, I pull for them with the same passion I shop for coffee with. There’s something extra special about this girl, though, and it’s all in her beautiful personality. She and her gorgeous smile have lit up this entire season and I guess I always knew that there’d be a future “Ashley post.”

Understandably, these contestants are going through huge, emotional changes.  They’ve been uprooted and forced to face – head on – past mistakes and unhealthy lifestyles.  We cry as they cry, we curse fatty, fried foods with them, and we feel their pain when they see the original number on the scale.

They struggle with challenges – especially early on.  Again, understandably. They get frustrated and some lash out while others cry. Some, like Daris  just summon up fresh, newly-found courage and charge right through it.  My girl, Ashley, fell countless times early on.  How she kept from really hurting herself is beyond me.

But she kept getting back up.  And what’s truly remarkable – none of it ever took her personality away and it never wiped the smile off of her beautiful face.  She seemed to always be extremely thankful for being on the show and always ready to give it her all.

In the last episode, the contestants were watching early clips of themselves.  Like most past contestants, the  rest of these contestants cried at the sight of their former selves.  Ashley smiled.  That struck a chord with me.  She didn’t seem to detest the old Ashley – she knew that she was still a beautiful, vivacious, fun, spirited, and lovely girl.   In a clip that was about to show one of her epic falls, Ashley laughed and said something like, “Here it comes!”

She’s having fun with life and that’s probably the number one trait I’m drawn to in people.

I realize that it’s risky to write an article or tribute like this when the season isn’t quite through – I mean my girl could go all swamp girl psycho in the next episode… push Daris, curse Koli, and spit on Mike.  Since I adore these guys, too, I truly hope she doesnt’!  If she does get in touch with the dark side, I’ll have to come back here and apologize!

But I’m going ahead with the post because I trust that she’ll finish as beautifully as she started.

We can learn something from Ashley’s attitude and upbeat personality.  Our situation shouldn’t dictate our personality or our happiness.  We should be who we are regardless of what’s happening to us or around us.  You can tell Ashley would be a fun person to be around.  She wouldn’t mope around, complain, or wallow in misery or self-pity.  Since she is human, I’m sure she’d have her moments – but I’m also sure she’d have the humor and spirit to overcome them in record time.

At the first of the season, Ashley seemed like a complete underdog.  There was something about her, though, that told me she’d be around for a while.  There was a certain determination and focus in her eyes – plus, whenever she fell she didn’t yell at Jillian or snap at Bob.  She didn’t  whine.

She just got up.

At one point she was talking to the camera (how odd must that feel?) about how she knew she was considered the underdog.  She was even smiling about it.  It was right here that she became one of my all-time favorite reality show contestants.  She said, “I’m going to sneak up like a ninja on their a$$es.”

And she did.

She did a couple of other things too:

  • She reminds us all that life is beautiful and is worthy of embracing whether we feel like we’re on top of the world or not.  No matter what we think we have that is so hideous, there are always others who have it far worse.  Would you like to explain to a young patient on their way to chemotherapy why you aren’t smiling?
  • With her beautiful face, stylish clothes, and perfect hair, Ashley proves that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  Do you always try to make the most of what you have or do you slack off?
  • Her sense of humor and lively personality shows that if a girl who is so vivacious and happy while climbing such a huge mountain can keep smiling, there’s no excuse for the rest of us! Do others perceive you as a happy person who is fun to be around or a grouch who must be avoided at all costs?!
  • Ashley seemed, to me, to be almost like a tonic to her friends.  When she was around Mike and Daris, they seemed happier.  We should all have that effect on people around us.  They should leave our presence happier than they were when they first entered it.  Are you a tonic or a wet blanket?
  • What others think of us or expect from us isn’t what counts. The only thing that matters is what WE think of us and expect from us. Who or what would you like to sneak up on like a Ninja?

I can’t believe the finale is already around the corner. This has been my favorite season ever and I’ve got nothing but love for all of the brave contestants, the beautiful hostess, and the wonderfully entertaining and inspiring trainers.  A word about the hostess, Alison Sweeney.  This girl has become one of the best reality show hosts on television. She’s right up there with Jeff Probst.  It’s obvious that she cares for the contestants and, I’m convinced, has to fight back tears with the rest of us sometimes.  She has grown in this role and now wears it with beautiful ease.

Good luck to all of the final four contestants.  You’ve made this a particularly enjoyable ride.

The Ninja Assassin: They never saw her coming!

Going All Robin Hood with Time Management

by joi on May 12, 2010

Erroll Flynn in "The Adventures of Robin Hood" 1938

Erroll Flynn in “The Adventures of Robin Hood” 1938 Giclee Print
Buy at AllPosters.com

First of all, apologies for the lack of updates recently.  If you’ve followed Self Help Daily (or any of my blog/sites for that matter) for any length of time, you know that around holidays and the first of spring I spend far more time offline than online.  So many flowers, plants and herbs to plant and so little time!

Recently, one of my daughters asked me which “site” I’d been working on lately and I said, “The one outside!”  Sometimes SIGHTS win out over SITES.  Which is something that I hope each and every person who works online realizes.  I’ve often said that we should all be very careful that the backs of our heads aren’t the views our family members see most.

But it’s more than that.  It’s about balance.  Those of us who work from home – especially those alpha humans of you who have outside jobs AND work online – have to be particularly mindful of the balance we’re creating in our lives. A while back, I felt like my life’s balance was a bit out of whack.  You know me… I broke out the notebook and pen.

I wrote down things that were important to me – activities that made my day worthwhile, enjoyable, and productive.  Not JUST worthwhile, not JUST enjoyable, and not JUST productive – I included everything:  Housework, cooking, gardening, reading, writing, e-mail correspondence, baking, playing with my cats, birdwatching, walking, yoga, my blogs, baseball (watching, not playing!) and so on.

It occurred to me that some of my favorite activities were being neglected, because I didn’t have time for them.  Then I took a close look at areas where I could “steal” a little time – like a Time Management Robin Hood (I’m beginning to think that Social Media is the Sheriff of Nottingham).

Honestly, these periodic self-examinations are vital.  Why? Because we humans (yes, even you alpha humans) are creatures of habit.  We grow so accustomed to doing particular things and doing them in a particular way that we don’t even realize what’s going on half the time.

Why do you think refrigerators get so overrun with leftovers (which reminds me…)?  No one in their right mind would stack container upon container of food that’ll never see the light of day again on purpose.  We just don’t think about it.  We’re cleaning off the table and there are a few spoonfuls left of baby carrots – - – - of course they have to be salvaged!  Into a plastic container they go for a future meal.

Never to be heard from again.

We just get sort of wrapped up in a way of doing things and we, half the time, don’t fully even realize what we’re doing.

My husband told me not long ago about an older man that he does business with.  This man is what my husband calls “Straight up country.”  The man was doing his business in a way that, frankly, didn’t make sense.  When my husband (politely) asked him why he did things this particular way, the man said,”Well, that’s just how we always done it.“  How many of us could put on our best “country-fied” accent and say the same thing about our systems, “Well, that’s just how we always done it.”

Whether it worked or not!

Time management is one of those things in life that, in my opinion, requires frequent adjustments.  Why? Because things change!  What worked like a charm three months ago may not work at all today.  Chores change, projects change, seasons change, Monday night sports change, goals change, situations change, and WE change.

We may require more “ME time” now than we did then.  We may simply want to spend more time birdwatching and flower sniffing this month than last.  We may have a clear goal that has come into focus and we may need more time to work toward that goal.

The point is, always take a good look at your average day and how you spend it.  Are you spending your time or is your time spending you?

Grab pen and paper and write down how you spend a typical day.  Are there any areas that are given too much time at the expense of others?  Trim off a little of this excess time and put it to better use.

Below are just a few Time Management tips that may help.

  1. Set goals for particular projects.  If you want a particular task completed, give yourself a deadline. It keeps you honest and, often, will bring out your best.  We tend to get pretty creative when we’re under the gun.
  2. Prioritize.  Make an honest assessment – which things are the most important?  Tackle them first and put the others on the back burner.
  3. If a project is particularly difficult or time-consuming, take it on early in the day.  If I’m working on a project that involves a new learning curve, I schedule it for my am coffee hours.  This is the period of time when I have the least interruptions, the most caffeine, and my mind seems to be the sharpest.  Personally, I credit the coffee.
  4. Do – NOT – Procrastinate.  It’s as easy to do as breathing, and sometimes infinitely more enjoyable, but it causes more headaches tomorrow.  Do it now and be done with it.
  5. Always beware of time wasters.  Now let me say this:  If you have a particular activity that brings you peace, enjoyment, and serves as a way for you to unwind – it’s not a time waster!   Sitting back after a long day and watching a re-run of The Golden Girls (love those gals!), catching up on tweets, or playing a video game is a perfect way to unwind. What one person may call “wasting time” can be the next person’s sanity preserver. Everyone needs personal time and, again, that’s not a time waster.  However, if there are activities that you find yourself spending an unusual amount of time doing – while getting nothing out of them – it’s time to invite them to leave. If e-mail has become overwhelming, unsubscribe to a few newsletters that no longer serve a purpose. (Frankly, half of them have become sales pitches and commercials anyway – PET PEEVE alert:  Don’t promise me something gloriously cool in your title then throw a price tag on it once I’m in the e-mail!)
  6. Stop chasing perfection.  The person who thinks their outfit, their hair, their blog post, their blog’s design, their tweet updates – everything – has to be perfect is chasing unicorns.  Perfection doesn’t exist any more than unicorns do, and chasing  after either simply makes a spectacle out of the one giving chase. It also wastes precious time.
  7. Create a schedule and stick to it.  If you allot yourself the 9:00 to 10:00 hour for a certain task, you will do everything in your power to make the deadline.  Again, when we know we have a “cut off” time, we dig deep into our well of creativity and make things happen.
  8. If you do make a schedule, don’t fill every hour of the day with work.  What kind of a life is that?! Even Superman takes his cape off when his work is done.
  9. Make certain times of the day a “HANDS OFF” zone – a period of time when you don’t even touch the computer or iPhone (or any other tech-y marvel).  I read an article not long ago about “Unplugging” your kids.   We adults need to be periodically unplugged as well – it’ll make us more efficient!
  10. Don’t take on more than you can handle.  Don’t be afraid to say, “I’m sorry but I’m simply too busy right now.”  Don’t let other people make unnecessary demands on your time.  If they aren’t cool enough to keep their pens and plans off of your to do list, they’re the ones with the problem, not you.  Don’t let other people confiscate your time.  Just refuse to let them have it.

A final thing about your daily schedule:  Be sure to include activities that promote your health, your happiness, and enrich your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  Ask yourself what activities you enjoy the most.  Are you able to do these activities or are other things crowding them out?  Your happiness is at stake, here!

Life is absolutely beautiful.  It can be unexpected, for certain, and it can completely catch us off guard at times – but, make no mistake about it, life is breathtakingly beautiful and incredibly precious.  If you’re too busy – chasing dollar signs, fortune, fame, or the perfect body – you just might miss the magic.  Slow down. Sit down. Most of all, enjoy the ride.

Never postpone happiness and never squeeze what you want to do out of the way for things you think you have to do.  There’s room for both.  So, my good merry men and women, examine your day and see if you need to rob any time from one area to shore up another.  And, seriously, keep an eye on social media sites – they’re the real robbers.

Now, for that refrigerator….

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