From the category archives:

Relationships

Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard

by joi on August 11, 2010

A few posts back, I mentioned the number of women I’ve personally heard from (and others who I have read about) who are currently struggling with what they call the “Empty Nest Syndrome” or as one lady (who’s kids still live at home) referred to as the “May as Well Be An Empty Nest Because the Birds are Always Gone Syndrome.”

As I’ve said before, I HATE the term “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  What is empty? The total absence of anything. If my coffee cup is empty – - – something that rarely happens, but that’s another story – - -  the cup is without anything in it.  Empty.  Nothing there.

If a home is empty, there isn’t anyone in it.  Empty.  No one there.

I was walking around my yard a few weeks ago when I saw a bird’s nest on the ground.  I, hesitantly, turned it over to see if anything was beneath it.  I was greatly relieved to find that the nest was empty.  No one home when it came crashing down.  Now that’s an EMPTY NEST.

A home in which at least one parent, often two, are living is anything but empty.

What you’re experiencing (and if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re going through the experience or, at least, know that it exists on the horizon) is simply another chapter in your life.  It’s a chapter that’s simply a little quieter with a little more “free time.”  From here on, I’ll refer to the aforementioned syndrome as the “Quiet House Chapter.”

The thing that makes this chapter seem so drastically and dramatically different is that it’s a huge transition.  You go from walking out to the car, one day, with multiple kids fighting over who’s turn it is to sit up front to walking out to the same car the next day with only your shadow as a companion.  He, or she, calls shotgun and off you go.

You go from making lunch for a party of 2, 3, 4, or 5 to making lunch for a party of one – two if your cat’s awake.

It’s not the end of the world, though, and I get crazy upset with people who act like it is.  It’s a new chapter, that’s all, and as any book lover knows, new chapters can be exciting.  New chapters can be challenging.  And new chapters can be, dare I say it, fun!

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to any of the emotions felt.   I’m a mother bird, too.  God blessed me more than I ever thought was possible when he allowed me to become a mother to three beautiful daughters who I love and cherish more than my next breath.  I’d wager to say that this transition in life is even tougher on mothers such as myself, who were stay-at-home moms while raising their children.

To compound the matter, this particular stay-at-home mom also home-schooled her children all the way through school.  That’s a lot of years of sitting at the table studying history, going to the library, picnics at the park, making lunch together, and so forth.

That’s why, I believe with all my heart, that my family has been kind of nonchalantly keeping an eye on me – waiting for Mother Hen’s wig to flip.  They know that my family is my life – they always have been and they always will be.  It doesn’t matter if we’re currently under the same roof or not.  Family is family no matter where they count their sheep.

When you get down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a working parent, a work at home parent, or a home-schooling parent,  when the life that you dearly love with every fiber of your being changes – it throws you.  What you have to do is make sure it throws you forward.  Allow it to make you stronger, not weaker.  Demand that it make you better, not bitter.

And, please let the only parties you throw be happy ones, as in no pity parties allowed.  I promise, you’ll be the only one there.

Whether you’re kids are living at home (yet seem to be gone all the time) or they’ve already moved out, there are certain tips for coping with the “Quiet House Chapter” as well as a little homespun advice from a Mother Hen who’s proverbial wig is still in place.

Playing in the Next Room

Here’s something I shared with one reader a few months ago.  I got an e-mail from her yesterday and she said the advice has worked “brilliantly” for her.  I could tell, just by reading her words that she was in a much better place.  The first few times she contacted me, I could almost “hear” tears in her words – this time I’m almost certain there was laughter.

Remember when your kids were small and they’d play in their bedroom or the living room?  Even if you were in the kitchen, you knew where they were – playing in the next room.  The concept of them staying in the same room you were in, 24-7, would have seemed bizarre.  Even though they played in the next room, you were their parent and they were your child and you loved them with all your heart.  You knew they were just a “call” away – whether it were you doing the “calling” because supper was ready or they did the “calling” because someone took their Barbie!

You were 1 call away.

When your kids are older and they seem to spend more time at the mall than their own bedroom, or they move out on their own or go off to college – it will truly help you to think of them as “playing in the next room.”   The beautiful thing is, you’re still just a “call” away.  Whether it’s you making the “call” because you’re making their favorite casserole for supper or they’re making the “call” because they want to know if paper plates are microwavable – you’re still 1 call away.

Pull Yourself Together

There will be days when you feel kind of sad.  There will be days when you think you’d give anything to turn back time.  There will be days when you’re kind of lonely.  It might remind you of when you, yourself, moved away from home for the first time – another huge chapter in your life.  But remember this:  Nothing really changed, did it?

Well, actually, very often things change for the better.  I honestly believe I grew closer to both my mother and my father after I got married.  The crazy thing is, I’m almost certain I saw them more often – especially when the granddaughters came!  I had them over for dinner several nights a week, we went shopping more often, we walked at the park, my mom always made Sunday dinner, my father and my husband talked for hours about sports…

Keep one thing in mind:  How you act as you enter this new chapter will determine just how much everyone will want to be around you!  If you make your kids, or husband, feel guilty or try to make them feel sorry for you – you will push them away.  No one wants to take a guilt trip – they’ll simply avoid the risk by avoiding you.  If, every time one of your kids calls you spend half the conversation talking about how lonely or miserable you are, do you really think they’re going to rush to the phone to call you again any time soon?

For your sake as much as the sake of your family, if you’re coming undone over the Quiet House Chapter, pull yourself together.

Idle Minds Are the Devil’s Workshop

Maybe it’s not the nest that’s as empty as it is the life.  I know, ouch. Many times parents get so wrapped up in raising, teaching, caring for, and playing with their children that they overlook one tiny little thing – everyone has to have their own life, their own interests, their own goals, their own ambitions, and their own smiles.

Yes, their own smiles.

When parents look at their children – we smile!  Even if the child is being a cantankerous little snot, on some level it amuses us. There’s nothing in the world wrong with smiling at your kids – I smile just thinking about mine.  What’s wrong is acting like they’re the only thing that can bring a smile to your face.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there – filled with, literally, countless things to smile at and about.

Never let anyone feel that one of their responsibilities in life is to flip your happiness switch.  Flip your own!

When the Quiet House Chapter begins, you’ll find yourself with lots of free time and free thoughts.  This is where the chapter takes on a certain level of excitement – you get to fill this free time and these free thoughts any way you want.  No one’s dictating what you have to do from this time to that time.    You can take up new hobbies, learn new skills, take up yoga, launch a home business, or write the next great vampire novel.

Below is a list of different adventures you might want to take:

  • Take up birdwatching.
  • Go to the Animal Shelter and rescue a dog who looks lonely.
  • Rescue two!
  • Learn to speak a new language
  • Learn cake decorating.
  • Take online classes in a subject that fascinates you.
  • Take up photography.
  • Learn everything you can about sharks, whales, dolphins, and the ocean.
  • Volunteer.
  • Begin reading all of Agatha Christie’s mysteries.  Start at the first and keep going until you’ve read them all.
  • Go to the shelter and adopt a couple of kittens.  Cats make incredible companions.
  • Grow an herb garden.
  • Buy a couple of yoga dvds, a great yoga book, and fall in love with the experience.
  • Take up serious walking or biking.
  • Take trips to your local state parks and zoos.
  • Go to the Grand Old Opry.
  • Learn to play an instrument.
  • Make candles, soap, jewelry, or all three.
  • Buy a sewing machine and take up sewing.
  • Learn to quilt.
  • Perfect your homemade bread recipe.
  • Start an eBay business – find great deals on antiques and collectibles, then sell them for extra cash.
  • Visit your library regularly.  Scourge the shelves for fascinating new subjects to read about.
  • Buy a bird!
  • Start an aquarium.
  • Buy hamsters and provide elaborate cages and mazes for them.
  • Start watching a sport you’ve never watched before. Pick a team and follow their every game.
  • Learn to make a great cake from scratch – then experiment with different recipes.

I know I mention pets a great deal – but, for one thing, I’m the biggest animal lover in the world… and for another, they STAY babies!

If you decide to pursue a certain interest, buy all the books and dvds you can find on the subject – check out books at the library, research it online, and embrace the fascinating new passion with all you have inside of you.

Please just remember this – it’s something I harp on a great deal on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds:  Never, ever stop living – the day you do, you start dying.  If you wake up one morning and you just aren’t sure you have any reason to laugh, find one!  When we move from one chapter to the next in life, there are a couple of things that are RIPE for picking:

  1. We can become bitter, sad, and refuse to make the transition from one chapter to the next.  We can keep looking back, with tear-stained eyes at the chapters we’ve already lived and make everyone around us nearly as miserable as we are.  We can make it so that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations – other than “Well, I hope YOU’RE happy.” and “I’m so LONELY.”  (Wonderful, wonderful conversation nuggets, don’t you think.)
  2. We can look back on our past chapters with joy and pride, while embracing the one we’re currently living in with all that’s within us.  We can become so busy learning new things and taking up new interests and hobbies that our spouse and our kids simply don’t know what we’re going to come up with next!  My oldest daughter was a little taken aback yesterday when I called her out to my garden to show her something I’d found:  On a sage leaf was the largest (HUGE) yellow spider I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so proud!  I had her take a picture of my sage loving friend.  My sweet, petite, lovely daughter said, “Kill it!” a couple of times but why would I go and do a thing like that?!  Yes, I’ve become fascinated with spiders.  I guess it was only a matter of time.   The mammoth spider lived to see another day and he provided me with another interest to pursue.

Life is filled with excitement, fun, and fascinating moments – as long as you keep looking for them.  I don’t beg often, but if you’re currently going through this chapter in your life, I beg you to fill your days with reasons to smile…  and, no they don’t have to be spiders!

If you ever want a sounding board, my e-mail is on the site.   Now, I’m off to the garden to see if  “Sargent Sage” is lurking around. Such a handsome devil.  (By the way, the spider at the top of the post isn’t my spider – it’s no where near as large or charismatic).

Relationships: Handle With Care

by joi on July 23, 2010

Relationships. Two of my daughters (Emily and Stephany) and I recently had a killer discussion about relationships – not just romantic relationships.  We went deep -  delving into what we thinks makes any and all relationships work, as well as the things that keep them from working.

Deep waters for a Wednesday afternoon walk, but it kept our minds off of the heat.

We all agreed that treating others with kindness and respect were pivotal ingredients of a healthy relationship.  All three of us love nothing more than laughing, so we immediately agreed that any relationship without humor is… well… headed nowhere fast.  As for the romantic relationships, we agreed that putting the other person needs ahead of your own is VITAL.

We also hit upon something else that I thought was pretty key.

I told my girls that I’ve been getting A LOT of e-mails lately from mothers who are either experiencing an “empty nest,” dreading the “empty nest,” or are learning to  make the adjustment from small children to the young adult variety.

I’m not sure what this surge in sad moms is attributed to, but my heart goes out to my fellow madres.

First of all, I have to say that (with all due respect to anyone who uses or has ever used the phrase “empty nest syndrome” – I hate that expression with a peculiar hatred).  For one thing, most of the time the so-called nest is still occupied by one or two parents…. often a cat or dog…. sometimes all of the above – at any rate, this does not an “empty” nest make.

More importantly, it doesn’t make an “empty” life.

I think that when someone feels emptiness in any area of their life, they should fill it.  Often it’s not the nest that’s empty – it’s the life.  At any rate, I have future articles planned for this very subject, with lots of tips and tricks of the trade to help these parents make these transitions with grace.

It’s so much better for all involved!

The reason I bring these particular parents up at the moment is because many of them make a perfect illustration for another key element in relationships.

Here’s a scenario (mark it down, it’s happening somewhere in the world even as you’re reading these words):  A mother is left at home while her husband is off at a ballgame.  The kids (who once would be watching television or making lovely noise that fills the house) are now suddenly on dates, at school, or out with friends.

When everyone comes home, they’re met with an icy stare and an attitude hiding a broken heart.  When they finally get her to speak (occasionally it takes a while to break the ice), she hits them each right between the eyes and nearly knocks them to the floor with what has become a potent weapon: Guilt trips.

Naturally, nothing good comes from it.  Instead of curing the ills of one person, suddenly the whole family is miserable.  The problem is the husband and, especially the kids, have no point of reference.

Too often, all of us expect the other person or persons to understand how we FEEL – when that’s next to impossible… they’ve never been in the peculiar situation we’re in and have no point of reference.

It’s foreign to them, so asking them to “understand” is nearly impossible.  Everyone winds up frustrated and – in the end – the one who started the ball rolling wishes with all their might they’d just held the ball.  Sat on the ball. Swallowed the ball.

The same goes for the father who has worked hard to pay for his tools and rides his son extra hard to put them back, gently, where they belong.  The young son doesn’t  have a point of reference since he hasn’t had to work hard and save for something as nice as the tools his dad now treats so carefully.

The dad can blow up (and many do) but, in the end – what does the son wind up thinking, “Hot head! Why doesn’t he just chill… they’re tools for crying out loud?!”

No point of reference.

How about the wife who loses patience with her husband because he doesn’t want to “talk things out?”  She’s accustomed to talking until her lips are numb with her mother, sisters, and friends.  What’s his problem? Males don’t grow up “talking things out” – guess they’re too busy saving for, buying, and standing guard duty on their tools. (Sorry, guys – much love to you and your tools.)

I’m not saying that when we’re hurt we should keep a lid on it. No, no, no, not even close.

However, I am suggesting a few things:

  1. Before giving your emotions a voice, let the emotions come down a few decibels. If you speak when you’re angry or hurt, the words that come out of your mouth aren’t the words you’d “sign off on” if you were in your right frame of mind.  You’d want to edit the heck out of them.  Angry words are stones hurled at relationships.
  2. Sometimes, if you give your emotions a little break (by watching a baseball game, taking a shower, taking a walk, visiting Mayberry with Andy Griffith…) – they’ll be much more reasonable when you call upon them to testify.
  3. Even better, often if you give your emotions a much-needed break, you’ll find out that what you thought was worth blowing up over actually doesn’t even warrant a mention. Your relationship will remain intact and you can save your “anger card” for a more appropriate time.
  4. If, after the break, you feel that your emotions need to be heard (and often this is the case), do so in a manner that your point will come across rather than your anger or pain.  Don’t go on the attack.  Doing so will only cause the other person to throw up every shield and response mechanism they can find. Then a fight is more than likely to go down.  Then, make no mistake about it, your point is toast.  You are instantly public enemy number 1.  Anyone who happens to be caught in the crossfire will see you as little more than a public nuisance as well.  Be calm. Be reasonable. Be mature.  Be an adult.
  5. Take selfishness out of the equation.  If you’re feeling ignored, put upon, over-worked, slighted, etc – ask yourself, “And when did the world start revolving around me?”  Some of the things people get bent out of shape over remind me of 5 year olds on a playground.  “She said this!… He isn’t letting me have the ball!… She won’t play with me!….”  Kids on a playground don’t think of the other kids.  They think of themselves.  They don’t think, “I bet he’d love to play with this ball.  I’ve had it for a long time, I’m going to let him play with it.”  Adults should be capable of  thinking outside of the parameters of self.  We don’t always do it, but we’re more than capable!  Relationships require mature individuals thinking about the other person as opposed to just thinking about themselves.
  6. Every now and then ask yourself if you’re a fun person to hang around!  Do you look for the good in life? Do you look for the good in people?  Do you like to complain and moan a little too much – so much so that it’s become a habit? Do you love to laugh and, if you can’t find a reason to laugh, create a reason?!
  7. Show the people you love that they’re the people you love.

Relationships. Think about the word over the coming days.  The relationships in my life are my riches.  I value them more than a cat values her next meal, more than a girl values her cellphone, more than a boy values his X box, more than a baby values milk, and – yes – even more than a man values his Sears tools (If I knew a great brand, I’d use it – I could walk out to my husband’s toolbox and check the name written on the handle, but I might trigger the alarm system…).   Relationships are more valuable than gold but, unfortunately, they can also be more fragile than glass.

You’ll do yourself the biggest, grandest, most supreme favor ever if you’ll begin treating your relationships with this in mind. 

Relationship Reminders:

  • What’s said cannot ever be unsaid.
  • What’s done cannot ever be undone.
  • People usually forgive but they never forget.
  • Every word out of your mouth paints the picture of your reputation and pens your autobiography.
  • Be the person you’d want to be around.  If you’re a wife, be the sort of wife you’d want to have.  If you’re a husband, be the sort of husband you’d want to have.  If you’re a daughter, be the sort of daughter you’d want to have. If you’re a son, be the sort of son you’d want to have.  If you’re a mother, be the sort of mother you’d want to have.  If you’re a father, be the sort of father you’d want to have.
  • Keep in mind that the other person may not have a point of reference.  They aren’t trying to mistreat you or cause you mental anguish – very often, they simply don’t understand where you’re coming from.  If you aren’t conveying the message in a way they “get,” the fault isn’t entirely theirs.  Make your point, but please make sure it’s worth making first.
  • Remember, it isn’t always about you.  It really isn’t.
  • Remember, sometimes it is about you. Contradiction? Not really. (Read the article on the other side of the link!)

I want you to have the best life possible – filled with the happiest days and nights imaginable.  I know that this isn’t possible if you don’t start treating your relationships as the valuable treasures they are.  Please don’t take people for granted and please don’t ever, ever treat them as though they just don’t quite measure up. The people you love deserve so much better than that.

When it comes to relationships, when all’s said and done: You’ll wish you’d said less and done more.

Relationship Adivce: Realize You’re on the Same Side

by joi on June 29, 2010

Interview continued from John E. Welshon’5 Tips for Healing a Difficult Relationship:

Q: Recently we have seen celebrities and political figures run amok in the manners department.  Where do manners fit in with the practice of being mindful?

A:  Well, the practice of being “mindful” suggests living most of your life in a state of meditation, or meditative awareness.  It is an integral part of our quest for inner peace. And inner peace ultimately translates into outer peace.  In fact, there is no way to argue your way to peace in relationships, and no way to fight your way into peace in the external environment.  you know, insulting another human being, or acting in a way that diminishes their value is not generally a good way to heal a relationship, or to improve the world.  As Gandhi said, you must be the change you’re looking to see in the world.  Don’t be so busy telling everybody else how to act – just see to it that you are acting in a manner that is most healing to relationships and to the world.

Now that brings us to the situation of our culture.  We have become incredibly disconnected and narcissistic.  So many people in the culture have gotten the idea that the only way to be safe and happy is to be emotionally disconnected – to think, essentially, that the world revolves around “me”, that “I” am all that matters.  Have you ever noticed, for instance, that when someone is going to cut you off in traffic, or in the grocery store, they won’t look in your eyes?  Because if we really look in each other’s eyes, our whole game of disconnection is over.  If we really look, we see another being just like us in another body.  We get a glimpse of our soul – our eternal, unbreakable connection.  So if we want to feel free to be rude and self-centered, we have to keep up our sense of disconnection.  Otherwise, we just can’t do it.

It turns out that the practice of good manners is not just some uptight, outdated, Emily Post system of etiquette for girls who went to “finishing school.”  If you really examine “good manners,” they are practices aimed at cultivating the awareness that there is someone in the world besides “me,” and that the other people in the world have an equal right to be acknowledged, to be valued, to be given opportunities, to be respected.  If you are endeavoring to create a meditative awareness in your life,  practicing good manners will help you.  Because meditation is simply paying attention to what is happening in the moment.  It is about connecting fully with your experience of life in this moment.  And the same is true of manners.  So if your experience of life in this moment includes someone who is waiting for the same parking space you want, you simply acknowledge that and move on to find another parking space.  That kind of consideration and awareness of others not only enhances your moment-to-moment awareness, but it simultaneously connects you to other human beings in a way that becomes very nurturing and nourishing to your soul.  When you practice good manners, suddenly you feel less alone in the world.

As a culture, unfortunately, we have become increasingly tolerant of rudeness.  In fact, we have turned rudeness – and its eventual counterpart, violence – into entertainment.  Rudeness and violence have become acceptable behavior because the news media, and the entertainment industry feed us a steady diet of it.  It causes our youth to idolize and want to emulate some of the most self-absorbed people in the culture.  The problem with that is that self-absorption can never lead to happiness.  In fact, it leads in the opposite direction.  Our cultural values are so askew that our children wind up worshiping and wanting to emulate some of the most unhappy people in the culture.  Isn’t that bizarre?

The current situation in our government, in television journalism and in political commentary is really quite tragic.  When conservatives and liberals demonize each other, and refuse to engage in meaningful, civil, rational dialogue, both sides just keep getting angrier and angrier, louder and more irrational, and less and less inclined to work together for the benefit of the country.  There is little inclination to want to compromise, and come to a consensus because each side has decided that the other’s ideas are so repugnant and wrong that they shouldn’t even dialogue in a civil fashion.  I read a survey about a year ago in which conservatives were asked to define liberals, and liberals were asked to define conservatives.  The study showed that over eighty-five percent of the respondents on both sides used the word “evil” to characterize the other. Now when you start from that vantage point, where do you go in terms of working together for the common good?

John E. Welshon is the author of One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships.

I love several things about the author’s answer. For one thing, how right he is: People are becoming more and more self-absorbed as they model themselves after some of the most self-centered, self-obsessed people the world has ever seen.  If you want your relationships to be all that they can be, putting yourself first, middle, and last is the worst move you can make.

I’m blown away by the fact that conservatives and liberals described one another as “evil.”  While it makes me kind of sad all over, it’s not surprising.  After all, one camp blamed President Bush for everything that went wrong, including natural disasters – and the other camp suggested Barack Obama was the anti-Christ.

Relationships have to be built – constructed, even.  Yet so many people seem to be only interested in tearing the other person down.  You can’t build something worthwhile if you spend so much time and energy trying to tear something down.

Common sense? Definitely.  Yet it’s something few… very, very few… people actually “get.”

John E. Welshon’5 Tips for Healing a Difficult Relationship

by joi on June 28, 2010

I get a great number of requests for relationship-related articles and book reviews for books written by relationship experts.  In a disturbing trend, it seems that these requests are growing.  I recently wrote a post dealing with relationships – and the feedback was tremendous.

On my websites, I don’t want to write about what I want to write about, I want to write about what my readers want to read about!  So, to that end, I’m going to devote this entire week to an interview with a relationship expert and author, John E. Welshon.   Each day will feature a great answer he provides to a basic relationship question.   I’ll also include excerpts from his recent book, One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships as well as my own personal thoughts, experiences, and reflections.

Even our daily quotes will have relationships on their mind!

Dealing with Difficult Relationships

How do we deal with difficult relationships?  How do we mend broken relationships? Can a marriage be saved when it seems all hope is lost? Can bad relationships with siblings be mended?

In One Soul, One Love, One Heart, John E. Welshon shows how any, and all, of our relationships can be mended (if they’re broken, breaking, or shattered) and strengthened (even if they’re nowhere near breaking – what better time to strengthen them, right?!)

As you read his thoughts over the coming days, think about your own relationships – at home and at work.  DO NOT make the mistake that most people make when reading relationship advice:  They read along, thinking, “Wow, she really needs to do this…”  or “Yeah, that’s him – that’s him all over the place!”  Do that and you miss the boat entirely.

Read.  Relate. Respond.

Take the words to heart – your heart, that is.  You’re seeking advice for ways to fix the relationship, heal what has been broken, and head into a fresh, beautiful new direction.  Let go of blame, let go of fault-finding, and put your pointing fingers down.  Your desire to be HAPPY should be greater than your desire to be RIGHT.

Plenty of RIGHT people find themselves alone.  Right?  Absolutely.  But still alone.

Below is the first question along with John E. Welshon’s wonderful answer.  Remember, you don’t have to be involved in any difficult or strained relationships to benefit from his advice, and this advice is just as golden for non-romantic relationships (children, siblings, co-workers, friends, neighbors…) as it is for romantic relationships.

Q: What are 5 tips that can be put into immediate practice to begin healing difficult relationships?

A: Well, let’s start with the most difficult first. That would be to do whatever you can to let go of your expectation that the person you’re having difficulty with should be different than they are. Now, of course, that doesn’t mean tolerating abusive, dishonest, or violent behavior. It just means standing back from the situation and taking the perspective that this other being – no matter how difficult they seem – is just being who they are at the moment. The are just working through their own confusions and difficulties. And – if it’s not too uncomfortable a concept – you might try to accept that they are just the way God created them – with all their blemishes. And you are just the way God created you – with all of your blemishes. So don’t take the other person’s difficult personality personally.

The second is to resolve that you won’t participate in making the situation worse. That is to say, in most difficult relationships each person knows how to push the other’s emotional buttons. Each knows what irritates the other, and the two people have usually become enmeshed in a painful dance in which – rather than seeking healing – they are going toward making each other angry, and blaming each other for all the problems that exist. So you – personally – resolve to not make the situation worse by deciding to step back from emotionally charged situations, and making a commitment not to use profanity and accusatory language.

The third is to learn to actually – actively – listen to another human being. That is something few people understand in this culture. But you have to set ground rules for the communication and you both have to agree to the ground rules. Each, in turn, gets an opportunity to express themselves and be fully “heard” by the other – no interruptions, no corrections, no defensiveness – just an open-hearted attempt to hear and feel exactly what the world looks like and feels like to the other person. It’s really the cultivation of empathy – the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes, the ability to feel their pain. And empathy ultimately leads to compassion. Eventually, rather than asking, “Why is this person such a jerk?,” you begin asking, “Why is this person suffering so much? What is causing them to be mean, unpleasant, or disconnected?” That is an incredibly important step, because the truth of the matter is, it is not natural for any human being to be insensitive or cruel. Insensitivity and cruelty have to be taught. Or, another way to look at it is to say that a human being has to be taught not to be loving, kind, and sensitive… because love, kindness, and sensitivity are aspects of our true nature – and everyone has them, even if those aspects of their being have been nearly extinguished by their upbringing, or cultural training.

The fourth is to share your feelings – your truth – in a manner that seeks to convey what you feel and why you feel it. In both of these interactions, it’s best to try to avoid phrases like, “You always..” or “You never”…. you know, accusatory statements. It’s better to say, “When you do so-and-so, it makes me feel…” whatever it makes you feel.

The fifth is to try to remember that love and peace, and joy are all within you – and they are always within you. You can’t lose them. You can temporarily lose your ability to experience them. And you can temporarily lose your awareness of how to find them. But they exist in a place deep within your awareness that can never be damaged or lost. It is sometimes called the soul, or Buddha nature, or Christ consciousness. There are a thousand names for that place. You just have to know how to find it. It is not something another person can give you or take away from you. It is the essence of who you are – your highest nature. The light of love is always within you just as the sun is always shining at the center of our universe, and the light of love is always shining in the center of your being.

John E. Welshon is the author of One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships.

Book Description
How do we heal our difficult relationships and nurture our healthy ones?

What is their significance in our spiritual life?

In this deeply moving, groundbreaking book, John E. Welshons answers these questions and many more. He shows why the path to real and lasting happiness lies in recognizing that we are all One, and in living in that awareness.

He shows us how to heal our most difficult relationships by transforming them into our greatest spiritual lessons and how to love, forgive, and care for our fellow human beings — even those we find most difficult to love and forgive. With compassion and wisdom, Welshons invites us into a revolutionary new understanding of ourselves, our spiritual life, our world, and all our relationships.

Tomorrow, John E. Welshon will address celebrities and political figures who have lost all touch with manners and decency!

Life Mates: Why You Should Choose Wisely

by joi on June 21, 2010

First of all, before getting to any sort of other thoughts or tangents, a happy belated Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful husband and all of the other dads out there.  I was busy cooking for my special guy all day yesterday (Grilled hot dogs and baked beans for lunch, Spinach Manicotti and Garlic Bread for supper and a mulit-layered cake from scratch with lemon fruit filling between the layers – frosted with my favorite fluffy frosting recipe… serious YUM!) for dessert.  Then I collapsed (along with a few of the golfers) and watched a little golf with him.

For obvious reasons, I didn’t get by Self Help Daily to wish you guys a happy day yesterday – so here are your dues today… Happy Father’s Day!

A few of my daughters and I have been talking a lot about relationships lately.  So, I figured since my thoughts were already headed in that direction, I’d just run with it.  Whether you’re still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right or you’ve found your soul mate, you know how very, very important it is to choose wisely.

Jackson Brown said it best, “Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  So. True.

Young people (and even not so young!) often have the wrong priorities when looking for their life partner. If you base your relationship solely on money or solely on attraction, you’ll soon learn that if someone doesn’t have more than a full bank account or a beautiful face going for them, they’re of little worth – to you or themselves.

I wish I could sit down and talk with every girl, boy, woman, or man who’s looking for that special person.  I wish I could write down Jackson Brown’s outstanding quote and frame it for them.   Getting inside their head with this truth would do one of two things:

  1. Help them avoid making the biggest mistake of their life.
  2. Help them make the smartest decision of their life.

Forget money, forget strong shoulders, forget beautiful eyes, forget beautiful smiles, even forget a laugh that makes you laugh right along with them – even when you don’t get the joke.  You have to make certain that the person you commit yourself to spend your life with is your soul mate.  You have to be certain that this is the person that will bring you happiness, peace, and joy.

He or she has to be the person that will make any apartment, house, or trailer feel like Heaven on earth.

Make no mistake about it, you’ll have arguments.  If, that is, you’re both humans and not sheep.  You’ll have some doozies, mark it down!  You’ll yell, you’ll stomp around, and you’ll (at times) make a perfect fool of yourself.  These things happen when people love one another…. comes with the territory.  Keeps things interesting.

When I think of the words Soul Mate, I think of my husband – I guess it’d pretty much suck if I didn’t.  My husband, Michael, is my blue-eyed proof of Jackson Brown’s quote.  See, I think a soul mate should be someone who “jives” with you, someone who speaks your language even when you aren’t speaking.  He/she should “get” you and respect you even when they may not see eye to eye with you.

A soul mate should be ready to stand beside you, even when you’re wrong – and dare anyone to say the words out loud.

Here’s one of the things I adore most about my husband:  He lets me be me.  He doesn’t try to change me or make me feel bad for my quirks (I have a collection of them, but that’s another article.).  You may have guessed by now – but I’m the poster child for animal lovers.  If I could, I would surround myself with about 20 of every kind of animal known to exist.

I’ve always been this way.  When we first met, Michael didn’t have any pets whatsoever.  I quickly took care of that.

Over the years, I’ve subjected this man to countless cats, dogs, and birds. Strays are drawn to me like bees to honey.  Whenever a new dog or cat has ever come into our yard, the process never deviates:

  1. I rush out to welcome (and name) the new family member.
  2. Michael quietly heads off to the store for dog food or more cat food.

He isn’t what you’d necessarily call a “dog person” but not long ago two beautiful, frisky, adorable black dogs came into our yard.  He  went for food.

When my mom passed away, we took in her adorable dog Wednesday.  Michael and Wednesday became the best of buddies and took walks each night.  I’m not sure which one of them looked forward to them more, but I suspect that he was the one with just two legs.

The thing is, if you want to have a happy life – one filled with laughter, smiles, peace, and love – choose the individual you’ll spend your life with more carefully than you’ve ever chosen anything.

  • Choose the person who makes you smile even when you’re down.  Stay away from the person who brings you down even when you’re smiling.
  • Choose the person who makes you feel good about yourself.  Stay away from the person who makes you feel bad about yourself – as though you don’t quite measure up.
  • Choose the person who fits in well with your family.  Avoid the person who ridicules your family, causes tension, or tries to start trouble.  So not worth it.
  • Choose the person who makes life fun! Avoid the person who seems to be allergic to fun and laughter.
  • Choose the person who has similar interests to your own.  Sure, you need to have individual interests as well (I’ll never be a golfer any sooner than my husband will be a baker), but you should have plenty of things in common.  If you don’t, you’ll never have anything to talk about!
  • Choose the person who respects you, your opinions, your beliefs, and what you stand for.  Avoid the person who’s looking for a clone of themselves. Give them a mirror and send them on their way.

If you, like me, have already found your soul mate, you might want to pause for a while and just think about how lucky you are.  It’s a pretty rare thing, you know.

“Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  – Jackson Brown

RESPECT, Find Out What it Means to You

by joi on June 17, 2010

“Men are respectable only as they respect” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I got an e-mail earlier – one of those e-mails that make the rounds.  Nine out of ten times these e-mails provoke a positive response from me:

  1. Cute pictures of animals make me smile from my head to my toes.
  2. Jokes make me laugh – even the ones I don’t get.
  3. E-mails that caution the reader about online scams or viruses make me cautious.
  4. E-mails pointing me to great recipes make me thankful… and hungry.

But every once in a while one comes along that I delete faster than I eat a chocolate cupcake.  I, for one, don’t like e-mails that are disrespectful to anyone.  It doesn’t matter if I like the person or what they stand for, whatsoever.  I have a strong distaste for disrespect and very little use for people who are disrespectful.

I remember the very first Presidential election I was cognizant of.  My mom and my dad were huge, huge, huge supporters of one of the candidates.  They talked about it so much that I got the impression they actually knew him.

Unfortunately (for them) their guy did not win.  When the day came for the “swearing in” of the gentleman who did win, my mom sat down in front of the television to watch.  She made very nice comments about his wife and seemed genuinely proud for both of them.  It was a bit much for my young, Barbie-doll-obsessed mind to handle, so I asked her why she was watching the “bad guy” enjoy the win.

She was very quick to point out that he wasn’t the “bad guy”.  She extolled his virtues as well as those of his wife and said that he had her full support.  She then said something that has always stuck with me.  She said, “He’s my President now.”

I recall that she did, as always, follow the news and never missed a Presidential address.  I also recall that she never said an unkind word about him.  Ever.  Even when the next election rolled around and the man she voted for won, she cried as the other one left office.  I didn’t even ask why, I knew:  He had been her President.

That wasn’t just the sign of a well-mannered southern woman and it wasn’t just a case of a patriotic lady.  It was a complete and total lesson in R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

What most people fail to realize is this:  When you are disrespectful toward an individual (whether it’s the President of the United States, a politician from Alaska, or the lady who waits on you at the grocery store), you say far more about yourself than you do them.

And none of it’s good.

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me. All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson

None of us will agree with everything anyone does or says.  Whether it’s Sarah Palin’s hunting (grrrrr) or President Obama’s Health Plan (?????).  I’m certainly not saying that we don’t have the right to express our opinions.  Many brave men died to provide us with that right.  All I’m saying is this:  There’s a difference between stating your opinion and being downright nasty and disrespectful.

When a national magazine placed Mrs. Palin on the cover in casual attire, wearing kind of a wild-eyed expression – it wreaked of disrespect.

When bloggers post jokes about President Obama or our First Lady, it wreaks of disrespect.

Disrespect doesn’t just show up on the political scene, of course.  How about our daily life?

  • Do you treat your spouse with respect?
  • Do you treat your parents with respect?
  • Do you treat your children with respect?
  • Do you treat your children’s friends with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandparents with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandchildren with respect?
  • Do you treat workers in public with respect?
  • Do you treat your co-workers with respect?
  • Do you treat strangers with respect?

Notice that it isn’t just important to treat people who are older than you with respect.  Young people deserve respect as well.  As I’ve pointed out before, the respect you show toward others says a lot more about your manners, your culture, your character, your breeding, and your nature than it does the other person’s.

This may sound like the cat biting the hand that strokes it, because I make my living from the internet and blogs – but I think both have contributed greatly toward the disrespect so prevalent amongst people today.  Social media isn’t helping things either.  Last week, I had a comment left one one of my blogs that wasn’t just contrary, it was down-right mean.  She didn’t contribute anything to the conversation or to the topic at hand, whatsoever.  She just spat a little venom and slithered off.

I welcome commentators who disagree with me.  In fact, I had a fascinating conversation (in the comments on Self Help Daily) with one individual about sunning.  They really challenged my thinking and made me dig deeper in my research.  I loved it!  They were respectful and I greatly enjoyed the back and forth.  They made me reconsider a few things and I’m grateful that they took the time to leave comments.

But this gal – wow.  No good came from it and her whole demeanor was disrespectful and childish.

Very often, that’s the trademark of disrespect – childishness. A mature person will treat everyone around them with respect. When they disagree with an individual, they’ll do so in a manner that makes you want to hear them out, not run away, covering your ears and hoping a tree falls on them.

“Judging others against our own standards is being egoistical. Respect everyone’s right to be different!” – Wai-Fatt Yee

Every now and then, examine how you treat others – at home, at work, online, in the store….  Do you treat people with respect?  If not, do you realize that you’re hurting yourself far more than you are anyone else?  I don’t want you to do that!  I want the world to see you for the wonderful, classy, extra-cool person that you are.

You’ve got style, kid, why not let everyone see that?!?!

More Quotes about Respect

Father’s Day Gift Idea: The Modern Dad’s Dilemma

by joi on June 7, 2010

Can you believe that Father’s Day is just around the proverbial corner?! It seems like I just took down our Christmas tree.

If a father in your life enjoys reading, I have a book to tell you about – one that would make a wonderfully thoughtful gift for Fathers Day: The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World.

This very timely book helps dad connect (or re-connect) with their children. Written by an author who is, himself, a dad, The Modern Dad’s Dilemma recognizes and addresses the unique challenges facing today’s fathers.

Parents face situations in 2010 that parents in previous years could not have even imagined. Today, peer pressure can lead to far more disastrous circumstances and negative outside influences can, literally, wreck a child. Add in the competition parents face with technology (television, music, games, the internet, cell phones..) and it’s easy to see why the home can, at times, feel like a battleground.

The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World provides hands-on advice, tips, insight, and even exercises that can help a father break through all of the chaos and develop the sort of relationship that will benefit his children the most.

The author, John Badalament, EdM, is an author, filmmaker, and Harvard-trained educator. He is an internationally recognized speaker on parenting and is the director of the acclaimed PBS documentary All Men are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood. He consults with schools, parent groups, and organizations throughout the world and his private world is shared with his wife and two children in Massachusetts.

The Modern Dad’s Dilemma

More is expected of dads today than ever before. Drawing on his experience working with thousands of dads and families, John Badalament delivers a hands-on approach to meeting the everyday challenges of modern fatherhood.

Told through the stories of a diverse group of fifteen real dads who have attended John Badalament’s pioneering workshops, The Modern Dad’s Dilemma is filled with practical information, road-tested activities, and key skills dads can put to use right away.

Learn to:
* Balance family time with work demands
* Build open communication with your kids, no matter how old they are
* Model a healthy relationship with your children’s mother
* Sort through your own father’s legacy

Whether you’re adding to your Father’s Day gift bag or looking for a great book to read, head over to Amazon and grab a copy of The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World. You’ll be very glad you did.

What Your Words Reveal and How They Affect Self Growth

by joi on May 4, 2010

What we say reveals who we are.

Cats, children, peanut butter fudge, coffee…  These are just some of the billions of things that fascinate me.  There’s something else you can add to the list.  Something I spend at least 8 hours each day surrounding myself with – sorting them out, putting them under the microscope to determine if they’re suitable for the job or not, toying with them, and so on.

Words, glorious words.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been at their mercy. The six year old that read the back of her colorful cereal box as she ate a bowl of its sweet contents can still be found reading the back of her colorful cereal box as she eats its healthy contents. The girl’s quite a bit older and a little bit taller, the cereal is (usually) healthier, but the love of reading is still very much in place.

I love the spoken word every bit as much as the written word.  As you know, I collect quotes as though my very life depends upon it.  I don’t just jot down quotes as I read, I jot down quotes from tv shows, movies, speeches, and (often) even casual conversations – I just wait until the conversation’s over!  One of my favorite quotes is actually from my daughter Emily. Years ago, she and her sisters were riding their bikes and Emily wrecked, breaking her collar bone.  About a week passed and the sleepless nights, frustrating sling, limited freedom, and pain were taking its toll.  We were talking about the whole shebang and she sighed and  said, “What doesn’t kill you makes for a great story.”  She then pointed out that one day it’d make a great story.

For some reason, for such a small girl – in so much discomfort – to put her thoughts together in such a way, and give them a positive spin, no less, made me smile.  It still does.

I don’t quite remember what I had said or done at the time, but I remember my husband once laughing and saying that he wished he could see inside my head.  Fortunately, for him (I just don’t think he’s ready for that), that’s not quite possible.  However, there IS a can’t miss way to tell a lot about what goes on inside someone else’s head:  Just listen to their words.

Mothers who are particularly close to their children can often tell what’s going on inside their child’s mind by paying close attention to their words. Many times they make what they think is a grand announcement, when we’d been expecting it for months.  They’ll look at us and say, “Well, aren’t you surprised?” while we think, “Surprised?  I’ve been reading this between your words for 5 months, what took YOU so long to figure it out?!?!”

We’re all more transparent than we’d like to believe.  We give more of ourselves away with our words than we realize.  In fact, if we truly realized the extent to which we expose our minds each time we open our mouths, we wouldn’t just think twice before speaking – we’d think over our words about 10 times apiece.

This truth can actually help us along our self help and self improvement journey. If you’re like me and like to jot everything down, grab a pen and paper.  If you’re like my husband and like to bounce everything off the insides of your head, just keep your mind handy.  Now think about the past week.  Write down (or visualize) your top 5 topics of conversation…. the things you frequently talked over with your family, friends, and co-workers.  If this top 5 is in line with what you’re trying to accomplish in life, then your head is in the game.  If the thoughts and topics of conversation are productive and constructive – you’re in it to win it!

However, if the most frequent topics of conversation are destructive, negative, or of a gossiping nature, you aren’t doing yourself or anyone else for that matter any good.  Remember, our words only show what’s going on inside of our minds.  If what’s spilling out of our mouth is negative, berating, sarcastic, or gossipy, that doesn’t say much for our think tank does it?  Where’s that stinking thinking going to get us?  Answer: Nowhere worth going.

Spend a little time thinking about… well… spend a little time thinking about what you’re thinking about. It’s coming out in your conversation. If you don’t like what you hear, tinker with your thoughts.

We can also flip this exercise around to help us understand the people around us a little better.  What are their frequent topics of conversation?  If someone you love frequently talks about wanting to lose weight – you can rest assured that it’s weighing heavily on their minds.  Be the sort of “hero” to them you’d want someone to be for you – go walking with them, encourage them, take them to healthy restaurants and share healthy food and recipes with them.

Many times when someone talks about a subject frequently, it’s a cry for help – whether they even realize it or not.

Finally, be very careful when judging someone by their words.  For example, if someone comes across as mean and hateful – many times it’s simply an indication that they are hurting inside. Different people handle pain and stress differently.  Some get sad and mope around while others verbally abuse anything and everything within earshot.  They sort of “take out” their stress on others like 6 year old kids having temper tantrums.

Whenever possible, try to get to the root of the problem and find out WHY their words are so angry. Don’t get caught up in the theatrics as much as you do the meaning behind the whole production.

Always remember to pay close attention to your words – they reveal more about you than you realize.

What we say reveals who we are.

A Really Cool and Simple Self Help Exercise

by joi on March 26, 2010

I’ve mentioned several times that I’ve fallen in love with a new type of “book feature” – books that allow me to comfortably read them while I’m on the treadmill have a very special place in my heart. When they’re just the right size and pliable, and the font is large enough to read at arm’s length and (come on let’s be honest!) they’re interesting enough to keep me in place for at least 30 mintues, I’ve made a paper friend for life.

I just finished such a book, WOW: A Handbook for Living. I want to share one particularly interesting page from the book that really made me think. I’ve shared it with a few of my daughters and it has tickled their brain cells as well.

The authors, Zen Ohashi and Zono Kurazono, have filled the book with beautiful, random photography as well as outstanding advice and… well, brain cell ticklers. I’ve gotten a lot out of many of them, but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t appreciate me giving everything away in one post! I will, however, share one in particular.

If you want to improve your abilities such as listening, love, enthusiasm, expression, rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. – Page 60

  1. Rate the ability on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best you’ve been able to perform up to this point in time, one being the worst you’ve ever done.  Do this on a daily basis.
  2. To raise your ability just one point, think of what you have to do to improve.
  3. Try it.  – WOW: A Handbook for Living – Page 62

After reading this particular page, I folded the book and placed it on the front of my treadmill – then I just finished my physical exercise as I thought about this mental exercise.  This is really excellent advice.  Think of the different areas this advice could be utilized in:

  • Personal. Rate your relationships with the people you love.  On a scale of 1-10, how close are you? What could YOU do (don’t worry about them right now) to move UP the scale.  Do you criticize or “push” them too hard?  If so, laying off and offering more support, praise, and back pats would certainly be good for an upward swing.
  • Home. Rate your living conditions.  Have your closets gotten out of control (Shhh, don’t judge me.), are your bookcases haggard?  Do you need more furniture with organization on its mind?! Take an honest assessment and, again, come up with what will get you moving in the right direction.
  • How about money? How would you currently rate your finances?  Do you have as much money in the bank as you want or need?  If not, come up with a plan to either make more or spend less.
  • Your Self Image. Without being unnecessarily cruel or chippy, how do you rate your self image right now?  Packing around a few extra pounds that you aren’t terribly thrilled with?  Maybe your hairstyle has worn out its welcome. Unhappy with your wardrobe? Whatever your pet peeves are, keeping them as pet peeves isn’t going to do anything for you.  Rate the different areas, then come up with a plan to move on up to a happier place on the number line.
  • Your Self Confidence.  Are you comfortable speaking on a number of different subjects? If not, read more.  Stretch your mind and stretch your horizons.

Push your limits and push your way up the number line.  Don’t stop until you’re rocking a #11 in every category.  Think it’s not possible?  All I have to say to that is, Gambaru!

In addition to the rating exercise, I highly recommend the following:

  1. Daily exercise!  Not only is it the best thing you can do for your physical health, it’s golden for your mental health.  You’ll feel so much better if you simply MAKE time to get at least 30 minutes of activity at least 5 days a week.  As an added bonus, while you’re walking or working out, you’ll come up with some of your best ideas and will be able to do more creative thinking than ever before.  For reasons that a doctor could explain far better than I can, exercising sets the stage for clearer thinking and creative ideas.  I’m completely hooked on working out problems and ideas on the treadmill or while walking outdoors (assuming it ever warms up again!)
  2. WOW: A Handbook for Living.  This is a beautifully written and illustrated book that will stimulate your thoughts as it inspires and motivates you to live your life out loud.  This one’s a real winner, and so are you.

Are Moods Contagious?

by joi on March 9, 2010

Ever notice that some people are easier to be around and more enjoyable to hang out with than other people? It isn’t necessarily the things they say or don’t say or the number of times they make us laugh. Actually it all comes down to this: How do they make us feel? How do we feel about life and ourselves when we’re around them?

Scientists from Harvard Medical School and University of California at San Diego tell us that happiness is, indeed, contagious.  What’s more, we can actually “catch” other people’s moods. Their study of more than 5,000 people over a 20 year period found that people are more likely to be happy when the people they spend the most time with are positive and upbeat.

Grumble guts, Eeyores, and Negative Nellys do nothing but pull our moods down to their level. Whether you encounter them online or in person, you’ll find yourself wanting nothing more than to avoid their presence at all costs. They make you feel down, angry, sad, discouraged, tense….

The reason? Mirror Neurons. Mirror neurons are nerve cells in the brain that make us automatically adopt the mood of those around us. The funny thing is, you can even “pick up on” someone’s negative vibes online!  Although I can’t prove it, I personally think some people are more susceptible to these effects than others. For instance, I’m highly, highly, highly susceptible to mirror neurons and their mojo, for better or worse.  If, for example, I come across someone in a comment’s section of a blog who is obviously just trying to pick a fight or be difficult and argumentative – I can literally feel my neck muscles tensing. Their negative energy seems to jump right out at me.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I come across people with positive energy, upbeat attitudes, and great vibes – a smile appears on my face without me even telling it to.

You may or may not feel the effects as strongly or as easily as I do, but make no mistake about it – you feel them.  And if that isn’t reason enough to choose who you hang out with carefully, nothing is.

Here’s the thing.  Ultimately, we can’t make everyone around us play nice and, quite frankly, blowing sunshine up their  keester amuses us far more than it does them.  We can, however, choose how we react to people and their moods.  If there are people in your life who seem to get you down, frustrate you, or on a consistent basis bring about negative feelings – recognize it  and do something about it. Maybe you can’t avoid these people – heck, maybe you don’t even want to.  That’s cool.  Just be on guard against the effect they have on you.  Often, just realizing the tendency can help you keep it from happening.

Try to lift their spirits when you can – make them laugh, help them recall happy memories, smile warmly and smile often.  Approach the time you spend with them determined to have the stronger “mood germs” and make them catch YOUR good mood rather than the other way around!

Give them an ear, give them a shoulder.  But don’t give them the power to affect your day.

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