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Thursday Throwback: I Say What I Think!

The Benefits of Speaking Your Mind

by joi

in Articles, Self Awareness, Thursday Throwback

Actress Lilli Palmer
Lilli Palmer
On most Thursdays, I post “Throwback” self help articles or book snippets from yesterday’s authors who I feel still have a lot to say. Some of the best self help, motivational, and inspirational books and articles were written before many of us were even born.

The following article, written by stage and screen star Lilli Palmer, appeared in the book Words to Live By (1947). The title of the article is I Say What I Think and I’ve typed it in exactly as it appeared in the book.

My mother was born on the river Rhine, where people are gay and easygoing, where they drink much wine and don’t care who likes them. When I was a child I often heard from her a healthy warning, especially when I came crying that someone didn’t like me and demanding to know what I could do to make him or her like me.

“Everybody’s friend is everybody’s fool,” she would say serenely; or sometimes, “Many enemies mean much honor,” or “Where there’s much sun there’s much shadow.”

I have interpreted those ideas in my own way. I don’t set out to antagonize people, or to be aggressive or provocative, but I have never made a special concession just for the purpose of being liked. I’ve spoken my mind even when I knew that what I said might be unpopular, because I believe that to speak your mind is essential, to take part in a controversy is important. It has never been my nature to sit back and keep quiet for fear of treading on somebody’s toes.

The danger of being too sensitive to what others think is strongly illustrated in the play Death of a Salesman. The author makes an important cause of the demoralization of his hero the fact that he cared too much whether he was well liked. He was afraid ever to make an enemy, and this hastened his destruction.

My mother made me immune to that fear in early youth. You can’t go through life only making friends, I realized very soon.

If, for a good cause, you must make an enemy, accept the fact. As long as your conscience is clear, you will find that you have strengthened not only your determination but your character. – Lilli Palmer

Strengthen Your Brain

Improve Your Memory and Prevent Brain Atrophy

by joi

in Articles, Health, Self Improvement

Strengthen Your Brain!

If you want to strengthen your brain and keep your mind as sharp as ever, you have to be proactive. Wisdom won’t just come to you automatically… that only happens to owls!

I’ve posted two new articles on my mental fitness blog, Out of Bounds.

The first article, How Exercise Strengthens Your Mind, Body, and Soul: Get That Body Moving shows how exercise is actually vital for mental health, physical health, and even emotional health.  The article also shows you sneaky ways to “trick” yourself into getting more activity!

The second article, How to Strengthen Your Mind and Avoid Brain Atrophy details the mental dangers of living in a rut.  Growth never occurs in a rut.  We all HAVE to start paying as much attention to our mental health as we do our physical health.  If we keep overlooking our brain’s fitness, we’ll suffer memory loss, brain fog, and possibly dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease.  Make today the day you begin paying more attention to your brain’s health.

If You Go Half Ass..

You Might As Well Not Go at All

by joi

in Articles, Positive Thought, Self Help

A whole ass is always better than half an ass.

As you may know, I’m a Biggest Loser fanatic.  In fact, I think I’ve probably mentioned the show, it’s contestants, and trainers in a gazillion and three posts.

Now we’ll have to make it a gazillion and four.

On an episode earlier this season, the queen of fitness, Jillian Michaels, was in a contestants face (I SO love it when she gets in faces – priceless).  She was trying to get the contestant to push harder and do more than they thought they could  do.  She told them not to half ass it.  Then she told them to never half ass anything in life.

The phrase has stuck with me, glued to my psyche.

Since then, I’ve challenged myself in different areas of my life.  It’s as though an inner Jillian will get in my face, asking me, “Are you half assing?!?  I know you’re not half assing, are you, punk?!”  My inner Jillian’s a name-caller.

Truth be told, I’m afraid that all of us, at one time or another, half asses whatever it is we’re doing.  Whether we’re pressed for time or pressed for “give a darn,” only half of us shows up for duty. The other half phones  it in and kicks back.  Then we have the audacity to wonder why we aren’t achieving the level of success we’re looking for. Sometimes we think we’re busting our butts for a particular cause when, in all actuality, we’re only busting half our butts.

Half assing, if you will.

This is a short post – especially compared to the epic novelettes I normally write – but it isn’t intended to be a forum for me.  It’s intended to be a thought provoker for anyone and everyone reading it.  Basically I want to sow the seed (the words HALF ASS)  in the field (your mind) and allow you to harvest something spectacular.  I want the words to encourage and challenge you the way they have me since they first came charging out of Jillian’s mouth.  These words, and the concept behind them, take no prisoners, no excuses, and no b.s.

From here on, when you’re…

  • Working
  • Spending time with a loved one
  • Working out
  • Cleaning the garage
  • Walking the dog
  • Sweeping the floor
  • Cooking a meal
  • Walking on the treadmill
  • Writing a letter
  • Doing a project
  • Studying
  • Learning something new
  • Writing an article
  • Writing a book
  • Building a blog
  • Washing your car
  • Planning a vacation
  • Getting dressed
  • Doing whatever it is you’re doing, whenever it is your doing it!

….. ask yourself, “AM I HALF ASSING IT?”  Simply challenging yourself with the question, alone, will make you extend your reach.  You’ll work harder, stay longer, go further, and surpass a bar you may not have even reached.  You’ll amaze yourself with what you can accomplish when you put your ALL into it as opposed to just half.

It’s amazing how motivational two little words can be.  There’s magic in half ass… as long as you’re saying it and not doing it.

Coping with Empty Nest Syndrome

Make the Transition with Style!

by joi

in Articles, Helping Children, Relationships

Michael, Brittany, me, and Emily

Michael, Brittany, me, and Emily. My mom wanted us to sit still for a few more family pictures by the Christmas tree, but Emily had had her fill of being still!  Brittany looks like a little baby bird and Michael looks like he just woke up!

As I wrote not long ago, Empty Nest Syndrome is a popular subject in my e-mail’s inbox.  It was a fairly popular subject before I wrote Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard, but after the article, it’s a rock star.

Unfortunately, it’s a pretty unhappy rock star.

I love getting e-mail from all of my friends – which is what I consider anyone who actually takes the time to honor me by reading my words.  I know I ramble like a Mexican grey wolf  through the Sonoran Desert.  Sometimes, like el lobo, I probably look like I have no idea where I’m headed… but, give us this – we’re passionate about getting there!

So, for those of you who bear with me, you’re a friend for life and I welcome your e-mails any time.  Self Help Daily is different than a lot of other websites and blogs – there are certain topics that some people aren’t comfortable talking about in the comments.  I’m always floored by those who throw caution to the wind and open up in the comment’s section – but I know it’s not an option for everyone and every situation.

Three separate e-mails have come over the past 8 days.

  • The names were different.
  • The number(s) of children were different.
  • The details were different.
  • The “tone” of each message was different.

Yet, in spite of all the differences, the e-mails were more alike than they were different.  Pain is pain, no matter how you try to sugarcoat it.  Most of the parents I hear from are parents who now find themselves in an “empty nest.”  However, I hear from a great number who simply FEEL like the nest is empty (because their kids are away more than they’re home) and from others who know the day is approaching.

Look out, here comes the grey wolf… but aren’t the “approaching days” the worst?!  When Emily’s wedding was approaching, each holiday and birthday kind of had a dark cloud hovering above.  No matter how hard I tried NOT to, I kept thinking, “This is the last Christmas she’ll be living at home…” or “This is the last time she’ll have a birthday while living with us…”  Silly stuff like that.  Take it from me, as someone who has lived through it – the approaching days are FAR worse than the the days after the fact.  Christmases, birthdays, and other holidays aren’t any different whatsoever.  The kids just arrive through another door…. and generally arrive starving, so always have food on hand!

Strained Relationships

There was something extra distressing about the recent e-mails.  They went past the “lonely days” and the “echoing silence.”  Each of these e-mails had an underlying theme:  The overwhelming feelings caused by “Empty Nest Syndrome” had caused relationship problems in their families.  The very real threat of this is one of the things that prompted me to write my initial article.

I’m going to primarily address the ladies right now – but I ask that my male friends please continue reading.  It’ll help you understand the lady in your life better, as well as her pain.

As mothers, most of us are possessed with an overwhelming feeling of love and devotion the minute we hold our newborn baby.  Something happens when we look down into the precious face of our baby girl or baby boy. Internal feelings of love fill us as do feelings of protection.  Heaven help the individual who tries to get between a mother and her child!  We devote our entire lives to caring for, protecting, and loving this baby.  Over the years, our days and nights are filled with caring for them.  OF COURSE we have our own lives and OF COURSE we love our spouses just as deeply – but a good mother has a strong tie that binds her to each of her children.

I can’t remember what the exact situation was, but I do remember my husband once telling me that he was very thankful that I was this way.  He said he thanked God every day that his daughters had me for a mother.  I think most husbands and fathers (if they’re worth their weight!) feel this way.  They want the mother of their children to love them with an all-encompassing love.

The power of a mother is a very powerful thing.  So is the determination to protect them and care for them.  In a way, when the child begins to date, work, and go to college – we kind of feel like we’re “losing” them.  That’s utter nonsense, of course, but there is a very real feeling that something is pulling them away from us.

Again – I want to remind you that I’ve been there.  When Emily was born, I had just turned 20. I had never held a baby in my entire life.  When they placed that little 8 pounds of wiggling pinkness in my arms something profound happened.  I was no longer Joi the spoiled only child who listened to Prince and Madonna all day.  I was no longer the girl who collected unicorns and loved to shop everyday with her new cute as all get out husband.  How my hair looked or whether or not my nail polish and lip gloss matched didn’t matter quite as much.

I was a mommy.

Still am.

I home-schooled all three of our daughters all the way through school.   Every hour of my days were filled with little girls… and then teen-aged girls.  I loved every second and, yes, they most definitely went by too fast.  Someone asked me once if my days were “too quiet” now and my exact answer was this, “Quiet, most of the time… but too quiet? I wouldn’t go that far!”

An interesting life (that’s what I’m calling it today) has actually done something remarkable for me. It has made me incredibly strong.  At times when I would be tempted to say that I miss Emily being in her room – I’m able to swallow the words and come up with something better. You see, saying these things to our children serves absolutely no purpose at all.

Saying these words to our spouses serves no purpose at all.  Giving our pain a voice only hurts the people we should never, ever wan to hurt.

When we first held our children in our arms, our number 1 thought was to protect them from harm. We positioned our arms and hands with the utmost of care – just to make sure their heads rested easily.  Sometimes it caused a crick in my neck but I didn’t care – as long as my little pink ladies were comfortable!  Did you ever have a toddler fall asleep in your lap and want desperately to move?  Whether it was a leg that had gone to sleep or an itch you couldn’t reach, all you wanted to do was move that child and reclaim mobility!

And yet you didn’t.

Our children are still our children – just taller, hopefully wiser, and usually hungrier.  These are still our babies and it’s still our responsibility to protect them – yes, even at our own inconvenience.  Is it easy? Not even remotely! But please try to picture yourself with your child as a toddler – asleep in your lap.  What mattered most THEN is what matters most NOW:  The happiness of your little girl or little boy.

When we come across to our children as lonely  – or make them feel like they’ve hurt or abandoned us – it hurts them.  They may react with anger, but what they’re feeling is pain.  A pain they don’t know what to do with because “mom” had always been the strong one.

I was thinking about my own parents a few nights ago.  I was 19 when I got married and moved several states away.  Their only child… a very spoiled little girl, at that… was headed off many miles and many hours away.  I know they experienced a lot of pain and worry.  Sometimes I could hear it in their voices on the phone and I’d have to hurry off the phone before they realized I was crying.

I remember after we’d been married (and moved) for about a month, my mom called.  I could hear excitement in her voice as she talked about a new camera my dad had bought.  He was taking up photography and was taking pictures of everything and everyone!  She was excited for him and she said she’d started taking up a few crafts.  She was going to paint the living room and the paper the bathroom – and she was so excited about everything, I could hardly keep up with her.

When I got off the phone, I felt like the world had lifted off of my shoulders.  My mom and dad were okay.  They were happy, excited, and living their lives.  I felt so happy, I couldn’t sit still and the smile on my face was in no hurry to fade.

Your children and your spouse need you now more than ever.  Never think for a second that any part of an empty nest is easy on good ole dad!  In fact, he has compounded problems – he misses his child, he worries about the child (all of those crazy “dad worries” like gas, insurance, dead bolts, strangers…), and he worries about his wife.  Truth be told, I’m sure in many ways he misses her too.  Please do your loved ones – and yourself – a huge favor and find your will to live and your desire to be happy again.  The smile you see on their face will melt your heart and make you happier than you can imagine.

For those of you who have strained relationships because of this transition of life, you simply have to hit REFRESH.  Ever had a web page that refused to load properly?  You hit REFRESH and give it a second chance – voila! Everything loads just like it was meant to – it just needed a second chance.

Here’s your second chance.  Make a great supper and have everyone attend.  Make everyone’s favorite foods!  You don’t have to make a big speech – if you’re like me, you’d probably just cry anyway – but if you want to say something, keep it simple, “I’m better now.  I love you.  Let’s eat.”

Most importantly, just let everyone see you happy – it may be a sight they haven’t seen in a while.  Let them see you smile, hear you laugh, and remember just how special their mom/wife is.  No doubt they’ve missed you terribly,

A few final thoughts:

  • The more you dwell on a thought – the more ingrained it becomes.  If you keep thinking, “I’m lonely…. I’m lonely… I’m lonely…”  – you’re putting the thoughts in cement.  Knock that off! Replace the thoughts with, “I’m getting stronger everyday!” or “This is a relaxing and peaceful day!”  If you think you can’t change your thoughts, here’s a test for you.  Think of a yellow rose.  A vibrant, beautiful, big yellow rose.  Now think of a red tricycle. Fire engine red.  Booyah!  You changed thoughts.
  • Get busy, girl! Take up yoga, pilates, sewing, bird watching, crafts, reading, writing, painting, photography, cooking, or all of the above.  Don’t sit around moping and feeling blue.  Ask yourself, “Who’s going to want to come spend time with me?!?!”  Put a little music on, fill the house with the smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies, and get your groove back.
  • We’re all as happy as we make up our minds to be.
  • Families argue.  Families sometimes even yell and make one another cry.  Once when I was pregnant – with hormones soaring – I threw a Hardee’s hamburger out the window, past my husband who was behind the steering wheel.  We were parked at the park, under the shade.  The plan was to eat the burgers – not throw them.  He looked at the burger as it flew past his face and out onto the ground.  I’d never done anything like that before, so I was even more shocked than him.  He calmly closed up his burger and turned the key.  I asked what he thought he was doing and he said, “Well, you can’t eat that now. I’m going to go get you another one.”  It’s exactly what he did.  We didn’t talk about the flying burger incident that night or for a long time after that.  When I brought it up once, we just died laughing.
  • Your family isn’t any different than most.  Again, all families argue.  Remember the “perfect” family from the Blind Side. I wrote about their newest book in a recent article.  Here’s a quote from that book: We fight.  We make up.  And we get over it.  That’s what families do. Beautifully said.  Even perfect families argue… no biggie.
  • Nothing is irrevocable or irreversible.  As the mother (and, let’s face it, girls – probably the one who caused the stink in the first place!), it’s up to you to dress yourself head to toe in strength.  Your child is in your lap and the last thing you want to do is disturb them.  Channel your thoughts away from the itch you can’t reach and into the child you treasure.

I know you have the strength inside of you and when you tap into it, you’ll amaze yourself as much as your family.  You’ll wear it beautifully.

Self Help Lessons from The King’s Speech

Or 6 P's on the Road to Success

by joi

in Articles, Positive Thought

The King's Speech Movie Poster

My husband and I recently saw the movie The King’s Speech.  King George (Bertie) had a problem which must be one of the most irritating, maddening, and frustrating issues in the world to deal with.  He stuttered.

The King’s Speech (an outstanding movie that’s worthy of all the praise it and its stars have received – Colin Firth as King George gives one helluva performance) is the inspirational story of King George VI of Britain.  In spite of his royal blood, “Bertie” was just a man – flesh and blood, albeit royal.  He had doubts and insecurities like all of us – thanks to his speech problem and to a father who handled the whole matter poorly (as well as a brother who badly needed roughing up).  His sudden ascension to the throne corresponded with a time of great turmoil and trouble for Britain.  They needed a leader they could put their confidence in but their leader had to find it first.

King George had an all-important speech ahead of him.  He simply had to make his words reflect the strength and conviction that resided inside of him.

Fortunately, the king had been working with an unconventional speech therapist, Lionel (brilliantly played by Geoffrey Rush).  His wife Elizabeth  (played by the always sublime Helena Bonham Carter) had found this wonderful man, at a time her husband had all but given up. Lionel and Elizabeth formed a little team that refused to let him go under.

I was about to type, “Before this post turns into a movie review” when I realized it already had.  I might as well cap the review portion of this post off:  The King’s Speech is an utterly fascinating, hilarious, and breathtakingly beautiful movie.  The cast is sheer perfection and you really should see the movie, at least once.  It’s outstanding.

And that concludes the impromptu movie review – I guess we know now why I don’t do that for a living!

The King’s Speech actually holds – within its gorgeous scenes – a self help lesson for us, and as you’d expect, I’m all over it.  King George VI’s life played out on a long, winding road that essentially had 6 Mile Markers.  Had he stopped at any of the 6 and refused to continue his journey, who knows what would have happened.  Fortunately, he found the courage and determination to make it through each.

While we are each on decidedly different roads, with our own gorgeous scenery and individual challenges, but we have the same 6 Mile Markers, the Six P’s, if you will:

Mile Marker #1:  PROBLEM

Like King George, we all have problems. You may have a particular problem right now that looms in front of you like one of Ebenezer Scrooge’s ghostly visitors. The first step in overcoming a problem is to admit it exists.  King George acknowledged his problem.  He didn’t hide from it, blame others, or try to make excuses.

When we face problems in our own lives, we have to look them in the eye, take ownership of them, and set out to find the solution. Pointing fingers never accomplishes a darn thing. Even if King George had a specific person in his life who he felt caused his problem – what good would pointing the finger at him or her do?  What good would come from unleashing hate and revenge?  Wouldn’t the speech problem still exist?

Why waste that kind of energy?

If you have a particular problem in your life, stop concerning yourself with the Why’s, Who’s, and How Come’s. In the time some people spend chastising and belittling others for not “measuring up,” they could create a masterpiece in their own life.

Shouldn’t that be the plan?

Don’t find blame. Find answers.  Acknowledge your problem and accept it as that: YOUR problem.

Mile Marker #2: PRESSURE

Was the heat ever on poor King George?! He had the speech of his life coming up!  George had a lifetime of struggles with this cursed problem, and each time he’d squared off against the enemy (his speech problem), it had won.  It had the last laugh – each time.  How could he DARE hope this time would be any different?  His people, and the country he dearly loved, needed him now more than ever before and he was up to his crown in a pressure cooker.

Most of us know the feeling, whether a crown is or isn’t on top of our head.  Finances, relationships, careers, education, mortgages, health, challenges…. We all feel pressure.  Sometimes we put it on ourselves, and other times someone else has the honor.

This the intersection where most people jump off the road.

When she was around 3 or 4, our daughter Brittany was sick with one of those lovely wintertime viruses.  The kind that aren’t serious but make you feel seriously sick.  For this little live wire, being sick was a complete and utter inconvenience and seeing her so lifeless broke all of our hearts!  I remember the entire scene just like it was yesterday.  She had on a little yellow gown with Snow White (with her elves in tow) on the front.  I had made a comfortable place for her in the den with pillows behind her, orange juice nearby, and cartoons on the tv.  I’d given her her favorite coloring books and crayons but she didn’t even have the energy to color.

My dad, who knew one of his little angels was sick, came by on his lunch break.  He’d brought something special for her (and her sisters) but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.  The gown I’m all over, but what the loving grandfather brought isn’t clear.  (Just like a female to remember the clothes!)  He sat on the floor beside her and said, “How do you feel baby?”

Brittany weakly said, “A little bit good and a whole bunch bad.”  I laughed.  My dad melted.
Anyway, Pressure feels a little good and a whole bunch bad.  On second thought, maybe it doesn’t feel good at all.  Which is why so many bail when it hits.

As I said earlier, who knows what would have happened if King George had been a quitter instead of a fighter.

Mile Marker #3:  PURPOSE

This one’s obvious. We have to have a purpose in life! If we have a problem that stands between us and our purpose – the answer’s pretty clear, the problem has to go.  King George’s purpose was great: He had to be the king his nation needed him to be.  In the face of war, his people needed someone they could count on, someone with conviction in his voice.  King George purposed in his heart to become that person.

He didn’t look at the circumstances and didn’t allow the problem or the pressure to keep him down.  He decided that his PURPOSE carried more weight than either his PROBLEM or his PRESSURE.

That’s exactly what we all must determine.  Purpose > Problem and Purpose > Pressure.   Not Purpose = Problem or Purpose = Pressure and darn sure not Purpose < Problem or Purpose < Pressure.

Every now and then I just like to prove to my math teachers that, contrary to popular belief, sometimes I actually did pay attention.

Mile Marker #4:  POWER

There are many sources of power – and there’s no way on earth (or off) I’d ever try to lessen any of them. Whether it’s the single greatest power on earth (from God, Himself),  the power that can change the world (Love), or the power that defies all reason (the power of family and friends) – power is all around us.  When we want to do great things or overcome great obstacles, we’d be smart to call upon all the power we can.  It’s always my first course of action!

King George had a very powerful team in Lionel and Elizabeth.  Without them, I’m not 100 percent sure the speech would have gone as well as it did.  However, for the purpose of this post, I want to address the power that, had it been absent, I AM 100 percent sure the speech would have failed…

The power from within. King George would not have… could not have…. achieved anything great solely on the power from Lionel or Elizabeth.  You and I can not… will not… achieve anything great solely on the power from those around us.

The kind of power it takes to move obstacles and jump over hurdles comes from deep inside. Sometimes you have to dig deep.  Sometimes, like King George, years and years of disappointment and pain build up a wall of resistance.  Our defenses are up, so to speak.  Renovations often have to take place inside before we can take the first step. King George had to dig deep – PAST pain, humiliation, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame.

What he found on the other side of all THAT was THIS – power to overcome and power to have the last laugh.

The power is inside all of us, we simply have to dig deep and find it.  Once we have acknowledged our problem, have gone toe to toe and nose to nose with pressure, determined our purpose, and gotten in touch with our power… it’s time to lay it all on the line!

Mile Marker #5: PLAN

That’s right, it’s time to plan.  You know the saying, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  Whatever it is you want to accomplish, don’t sit on the sidelines, waiting for it to happen.  Remember the little girl on the couch a few paragraphs ago?   Let’s just say she doesn’t wear Snow White gowns anymore.  She is still beautiful, hilarious, full of life though.  It still breaks my heart to see her sick and… yes, she is still my baby.  Always will be.  A few days ago we were talking about something in particular and I basically asked her if she was planning for it.  She laughed and said that she guessed she just thought it’d happen.

As someone who all too often operates the exact same way, I had to laugh too.

Whatever it is you want in life, or from life, requires a plan.  If you do nothing else today – I hope you’ll think about one particular goal and literally write out a plan to make it happen.  I want you to have that goal – unless, of course, your goal includes defeating my beloved St. Louis Cardinals – then I’d have to lovingly say I hope you come up short!

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  I don’t guess any of us can hear that often enough.

Mile Marker #6:  PERSEVERANCE

The first part of any journey can be the toughest – whether it’s a journey to lose weight, launch a business, overcome a destructive habit, or conquer stuttering in order to deliver the speech of a lifetime.  Setting out on the course takes a great deal of courage.  Standing up to pressure without batting an eye takes conviction.  Digging deep for power and purpose takes strength.  Making a plan takes boldness.

Wouldn’t it be a shame of epic proportions to achieve all of THAT just to throw it all away.  Whew, fortunately that never happens, right?  No one ever loses weight just to gain it back.  No one ever quits smoking just to pick the habit up all over again.  No one ever squanders a fortune they worked years for or throws away a good name they spent a lifetime earning…

Right??!?! Right?  Oh.  That’s right, it happens all the time.

A lot of people excel at planning, some are even wonderful at addressing problems and dreaming up solutions.  There are even some people who could light up a major city with the power they generate.  However, few… precious few… have what it takes to really make it to the finish line because they start strong and finish weak.  They have the boldness to begin but lack the conviction to follow through and the courage to finish.

Make no mistake about it, perseverance is the most important mile marker of the six.  Why?  Simple – she has the power to undo ALL of the others.   Years of overcoming obstacles, powering through pressure, silencing critics, and achieving your wildest dreams can all be wiped out by this one mile marker.   She can make it as though none of it ever happened – sending you right back to the start.

Don’t let this happen to you.  Think of it this way:  By perseverance, the snails reached the ark. Can’t you picture the diminutive couple as the sky began to turn dark?  As other larger, decidedly faster animals gracefully made their way to safety, it would have been easy for the speed-challenged snails to pucker up and kiss their tails goodbye.  They could’ve thought, “Well, life’s been sweet but this is where we check out.”

Not an option.

They set out – slow and steady – for their destination.  That journey must have gotten tedious fast!  Watching hundreds of legs sprint past couldn’t have been fun, but they kept on keeping on.  The snails knew the right time and the right place to quit.

How about you? Do you know the right time and the right place to quit?  Think about that for a second.

If you answered, “When you get to your goal… when you have success… that’s the right time and place to quit,”  you may be surprised to hear that you’re not just wrong, you’re dead wrong.

The right answer is NEVER. It is NEVER the right time or the right place to quit.  The minute you think you can sit back, put your feet up, and bask in your victory is the minute you begin sliding back to the start line.   Keep digging deep, keep finding the power inside, keep your purpose in front of you, and use pressure to work FOR you. Let it propel you further down the road than you’d be able to go on your own.

Look pressure in the eye and say, “Thanks! I needed that push.”  That ought to catch him off guard.

When you need answers, find them.  When you need a plan, make it.  When action is called for, take it. Most importantly, remember the right time and the right place to quit.  NEVER!

The poster at the top of the post can be found here. (Pssst, see the movie.)

Five Wishes: A Gift That Changed My Life

... And Can Change Yours Too

by joi

in Articles, Books I Love, Positive Thought

Below is a guest article by author Gay Hendricks. To read my review of Gay Hendricks wonderful book Five Wishes, click here.

Five Wishes — A Gift That Changed My Life (and Can Change Yours Too)  by Gay Hendricks, author Five Wishes

When I was in my thirties, I had a conversation that ignited a hidden power in me and revealed to me my life-path. I tell the story of this profound moment of my life, an experience that set me on a path to having all my dreams come true, in my new book Five Wishes. My hope and intention in sharing this moment with you is that it gives you not only a story you’ll enjoy but also a powerful tool you can use to make all your dreams come true.

The Conversation That Changed My Life

Oddly enough, the conversation that changed my life took place at a party I didn’t even want to go to. I’m not a party-person in general, and I had some personal stuff going on in the relationship realm that made me not want to be at a big, festive event. I was feeling anything but festive.

I was in the early stages of my relationship with Kathlyn. I was deeply attracted to her, but I was already feeling the early warning signs of the relationship’s demise. I could feel an old familiar fear of commitment stirring within me. It was a fear that filled my mind with doubt and caused me to look for things to criticize about her. I was achingly familiar with this pattern; it had caused the deterioration of several relationships in my past. I would get involved with someone, then about six months into the relationship I would start to pull back, usually just about the time the woman wanted me to make a deeper commitment.

Kathlyn was relatively new in town and wanted to go to the party so she could meet people. I had agreed to take her, and I didn’t want to face her reaction if I changed my mind. That was another pattern of mine: To do something I didn’t want to do in order to avoid the unpleasantness of the other person’s disappointment or anger. Finally I decided to put aside my resistance and fulfill my obligation. I suited up, rehearsed my party-smile, and marched forth into the cold November night. Little did I know I was about to have a conversation that would change my life forever.

After an hour or so I was getting tired of being convivial and participating in party-chatter. To get out of the fray, I sidled into a quiet den that was lined with bookshelves. There I found another “escapee” who was browsing books on the shelves, a tall fellow with a shaven head, about sixty years of age. We greeted each other and exchanged names. He said he’d gotten tired of small-talk and was taking a breather.

I told him I felt exactly the same way.

That’s when the conversation shifted into a new dimension.

“Well, since we’re here and we don’t like small talk, let’s not have any,” he said.

“Done deal,” I said, thinking our interaction was over.
Instead, he said “Then let’s either have some Big Talk or no talk at all.”

I took a deep breath and plunged into the unknown. I told him I was up for some Big Talk.

Right away he offered a piece of information that definitely qualified as Big Talk. He said he’d had a near-death experience, but that it turned out to be possibly the greatest experience of his life. He said that through the experience he had received the gift of a profound question.

I asked him to tell me more.

He told me the details weren’t important, but he offered to ask me the question that had come out of the experience.

“It’s big,” he said, “Are you absolutely certain you want it?”

I could feel the icicle-butterfly sensations of fear in my stomach, but I could also feel a heightened sense of excitement and alertness all over me.

“Yes,” I said.

“Okay,” he said, “Imagine you’re on your deathbed.”

I gulped. “Okay.”

He said it might be today or tomorrow or fifty years from now, but whenever it was, imagine that he came to visit me on my deathbed.

He asked me to picture him standing beside the bed, telling me goodbye. From this perspective, he said, ask yourself this question:

“Was your life a complete success?”

He continued: “You might say ‘Yes, my life has been a complete success’ or you might say ‘No, my life has not been a complete success.’”

“Right,” I said, intrigued by the direction this was taking.

“If you said ‘No, my life was not a complete success,’ you would have some reasons why it wasn’t. For example, J. Paul Getty, who was the wealthiest man in the world, said on his deathbed, ‘I’d gladly give up all my millions for one experience of marital happiness.’ If he’d been given a wish, that’s what he would have wished for.”

I was fascinated by what he was saying, but I could also feel a growing sense of anxiety in my belly. What did all this have to do with me?

“If you told me on your deathbed that your life had not been a success, what would be the things you’d wish had happened that would have made it a success?”

My mind went TILT. What an amazing question! Right away I knew the main reason my life was not a success:

Because I never enjoyed a long and happy marriage with a woman I adored and who adored me…a lifelong blossoming of passion and creativity with a woman.
Ed asked my why that was important to me. The words seemed to tumble out of my mouth. First, to have this kind of relationship would accomplish something I’d never seen in the world, and certainly not in my family of origin. Second, to enjoy lasting love with a woman would mean that my moment-to-moment experience would be rich and joyful. Third, I had a master’s degree and a Ph.D. in the field of counseling psychology and had counseled thousands of people on their issues and concerns. What good was all that training and practice if I couldn’t figure out how to experience genuine, lasting love with one other human being?

“Okay,” he said, “turn the wish into a goal, and put it in the present tense, as if it’s happening right now.”

I rearranged the words in my head. My life is a total success because I enjoy a happy marriage with a woman I adore and who adores me. I’m enjoying a lifelong blossoming of passion and creativity with her.

“Is that something you really want?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“And is that something you’re willing to commit yourself to, body and soul?”

I immediately felt a gut-dropping sensation of fear, but in spite of the wave of terror I said, “Yes.” Remarkably, as soon as I said yes the fear disappeared completely.

I felt my whole body light up with an inner smile. I had no idea if I could accomplish this goal, but I knew I would die unsatisfied if I did not commit myself body and soul to the quest. Getting clear on this goal and its importance to me awakened a burst of energy and aliveness I could feel all over.

Fast Forward To Now

In my book, Five Wishes, I share the whole journey with you, all the ups and downs along the way to seeing my five greatest wishes come true. I’m about the same age now as my benefactor was when he asked me that powerful question. I think his great value in my life was not just the question—it was that he held a space for me in which all my dreams could come true. Now, I know it’s possible. I’d like to hold that space for you, so that your deepest wishes and greatest dreams can come true. From my own life and from working with people for the past thirty-some years, I’ve found that human beings have a great deal more capacity for achieving our dreams than we usually give ourselves credit for. I believe we can attain all the important wishes of our lifetimes—if we get our hearts and minds in harmony about what those wishes are.

For assistance in helping you clarify your own Five Wishes, you’re invited to use the resources of www.5wishesbook.com, where you can download the Five Wishes worksheet, the Five Wishes movie, and other useful resources.   -  by Gay Hendricks, author Five Wishes

Bio
Gay Hendricks is the author of more than 25 books in personal development, relationship and conscious business. With his wife, Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, he is the author of Conscious Loving, Spirit-Centered Relationships and The Conscious Heart. The Hendricks Institute, based in Ojai, California, offers seminars around the world in conscious relationship and bodymind vibrance. He may be reached through www.5wishesbook.com and www.hendricks.com.

Brooding is a Sport Only For Fools

How to Stop Being a Worrying Wart

by joi

in Articles, Daily Quote, Positive Thought

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry; and one that has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.” – Mahatma Gandhi

brood: (verb)  1. to think or worry persistently or moodily about; ponder: He brooded the problem.
2. to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence (usually fol. by over or on).

Have you ever known a brooder? Brooders study on a particular thing or situation at length, focusing all of their energy on it until the brooding drains the energy right out of them.

Even worse than knowing a brooder, of course, would be BEING a brooder.  How exhausting.

Do you tend to brood? Do you often fixate on things to the point of having the same thoughts on a repeat cycle? If you do have this unproductive tendency, I hope this article can help you rethink your course of action the next time your brooding mechanisms kick in.

Look at the second definition above…  oh, never mind looking, I’ll bring it to you: to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence

Morbid persistence. What part of that sounds good?

I am incredibly lucky, I have to say.  I don’t live amongst brooders.  Myself, my husband, our daughters, and even our cats don’t brood.  If you were to think about brooding as e-mail, we’re from the school of “OPEN the e-mail, DEAL with the e-mail, DELETE the e-mail, and MOVE ON to the next.”

It’s the way I approach my own e-mail actually.  My husband teases me a lot about the amount of time I spend with e-mail but I get a very high volume of it and I don’t want it to just sit like a lazy great uncle.  I hate the thought of someone wanting something and having to wait for me to get to them. Not only do I hear from a great number of people in regards to my blogs, I also oversee a number of blogs/websites that we host. Sometimes people have problems they need help with, sometimes they just want to run something by me.

If someone needs my help, I want them to have it asap.

Some people allow their e-mail to build up to the hundreds.  Doing so seems kind of like  a waste to me.  They just sit there, taking up space – not accomplishing anything.

Brooding is a lot like unopened, undealt with e-mail.  Except it’s far worse, actually.  Not only does brooding take up time, thought, and energy – it actually makes the problem(s) or perceived problem(s) bigger than they really are.

Have you ever noticed that worry clobbers rational thought?  Brooding eats rational thoughts alive. It’s happened to all of us.  A noise in the night? – Has to be a burglar and, well yes, as a matter of fact he is on the roof.

Your 15 year old son’s hair is longer than your hair was at his age.  And you’re the mom.  Brooding on his beautiful locks will only compound the problem. You’ll conjure up various and assorted scenarios and each one will star your son as a failure, a ne’r do well, and possibly a bum.  Are these thoughts really what you want to focus on?  Do you really want to continually focus on and dwell upon negative images of your son?

He’s 15!

It’s hair!

Brooding is worry with OCD.  It gets locked in and just can’t stop.

The next time you find yourself focusing on worrisome thoughts or brooding about things that “could” happen or brooding over situations you “wish were different” – take action.

  1. Ask yourself if there is a present problem or if you’re simply fretting over a potential problem.  If you’re worried that your vehicle won’t make it another year, it’s a potential problem. If it’s in the driveway and doesn’t seem to want to ever leave, no matter how many times you turn the key – it’s a present problem.
  2. If you have a potential problem, stop wasting valuable energy on situations that may possibly be around the corner and take care of what’s currently on your street – right in front of you.
  3. Parents, this is for you us: Stop brooding over every single thing your child does, says, and/or wears. I know, I know, I know.  Parents who love their children will worry about their children but constantly brooding about all the little things will drain you and you won’t have anything left.  And there’s always this: You’ll drive everyone crazy in the process.  Never  good.

Maybe this would be a good time to remind you of that definition again: to dwell on a subject or to meditate with morbid persistence.

Actual Steps to Help Overcome Brooding

First of all, memorize the definition above and repeat it to yourself when you feel yourself beginning to worry or brood. If you promise to memorize it, I promise not to hit you with it anymore.

Second of all, ask yourself if the subject of your worry falls under the category potential situation or present situation.

If the situation is a present problem or issue, leave brooding mode and enter action mode.  Do what you can to alleviate the problem.  If it’s beyond your means, ask for help.  Back to me and my e-mail: When someone we host has a problem with their website, I address the problem as soon as possible.  If it’s beyond my reach, I find the appropriate person to refer them to.  Either way, the e-mail is opened, dealt with, and deleted.

There’s no need to worry with it anymore because it has been taken care of.

If the situation is a potential problem or issue, ask yourself how reasonable you’re being and be brutally honest.  If the potential situation could very well become a present situation, again enter action mode.  At the very least, share the concern with someone else.  They, very often, can help you see that your worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstances.  Other times, they may have extra information or advice that could set your mind entirely at ease.

You’ll never know unless you ask.

Last of all, hit the delete button. Once you have ascertained what (if anything) you can do about the situation, rest assured that you’ve done all you can.  Give yourself permission to enjoy life and allow everyone around you to do the same.

Here’s a quick exercise to illustrate the power of brooding.

  • Stare at the picture of the polar bear below.  Stare directly at him (or her?) for an entire minute.  Then, continue reading below….

  • During the time you spent fixated on the beautiful polar bear, you didn’t think about or acknowledge anything else.  For that minute (or ever how long you lasted), the only thing in your world was you and a gorgeous polar bear looking right at you.
  • Do you see the implications?  This was just one minute.  Can you see the potential harm negative, destructive thoughts can do to a person when they spend endless minutes and hours wrapped up in them?  If you spend day in, day out brooding on miserable thoughts and tragic scenarios, what must that do to your psyche?!?!

Treat your thoughts carefully, they’re far more influential than you realize.  Thoughts always grow into words and actions.  Now tell me that’s not reason enough to entertain worthwhile, constructive, and positive thoughts as opposed to foolish, destructive, and negative ones.

We are the product of our thinking, so it is important that we choose carefully where to focus our mental energy. – Dr. Charles Stanley

Turn Trials into Lessons and Lessons into Growth

When Things Go Bad, Grab Pen and Paper

by joi

in Articles, Self Help

If you attended a public or private school, I’m sure you remember “tornado drills.”   When the teachers, principal, and students pretty much “acted out” what we’d all do in the event of a tornado.  We also had “bomb drills” where we evacuated the building.  I remember thinking that it all seemed like such a waste of time.  And given the fact that I was a nerdy girl, I resented being taken away from my books – UNLESS IT WAS MATH CLASS, in which case, I was delirious.

I’m sure you’re also familiar with the “Emergency Broadcast” tests that come across the television.. “If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed…”

These make-believe drills kind of clue us in on what could potentially happen and what we would be expected to do if those things that “never” happen suddenly did.

Real life trials and emergencies aren’t drills or rehearsals.  They’re the real thing and, for the majority of them, we have no formal training or experience. We find our way, very often, simply by groping around in the dark.  Sometimes we take wrong turns and have to find our way back to the path we’re supposed to be on.  Sometimes we allow our emotions to take the steering wheel for a while before we regain control.

In the end, though, most of us find our way through the particular trial we’re forced to navigate through.  It may not be pretty, but we make it.

Without a drill.

Our most important and profound lessons in life are learned on these routes, not the perfectly and carefully paved ones.  Truth be told, while a lot of enjoyment takes place on the paths of least resistance, very little learning occurs.  We’re too busy tripping the light fantastic to look for lessons.

No mistake about it:  The greatest lessons in life are learned in life’s valleys.  These lessons can’t be explained secondhand, they have to be experienced firsthand.  Many well-meaning individuals say that this is the place where the greatest self growth and self improvement take place but I have to somewhat disagree.

I’ll consent that the potential for great self growth exists in life’s trials.  The potential to grow and become better, stronger, and more capable people on the other side of a trial exists – but it isn’t a given.  Truth be told (and I know no one wants to think about it), trials actually make many people weaker.  They beat them down, make them bitter, and sort of create a “I can’t take any more” countenance about them.

Trials, tests, and even tragedies come about because the world isn’t perfect and life isn’t always fair.  It’s up to us to hold each experience before us and ask, “What can I learn from this?”   When we approach the valley in this manner, we’ve taken our first step to becoming BETTER.

If we treat each mishap as a personal assault which we in no way deserve – as if  life and God are somehow picking on us – we have already taken the first step to becoming BITTER.  If you’ve seen anyone encased in bitterness, you know just how ugly it is.

Realize and Remember:

  • Bad things happen to everyone – no one is immune.  We all experience the best life has to offer and we all experience the worst.  We’ve all felt its kiss and we’ve all felt its sting.
  • This, too, shall pass.
  • The greatest views may be from the mountaintop but the greatest lessons can be found in the valleys.

One of my favorite quotes is by Dolores Seymour:  When Life Kicks You, Let It Kick You Forward!

Insist on it.

Positive Thoughts and Negative Thoughts Aren’t Bedfellows

Positive Affirmations Are Wise Beyond Our Fears

by joi

in Articles, Positive Thought, Self Help, Self Help Daily

“TRULY, thoughts are things, and powerful things at that, when they are mixed with definiteness of purpose, persistence, and a BURNING DESIRE for their translation into riches, or other material objects.” – Napoleon Hill

Ever wonder why so many self help experts, motivational speakers, and inspirational authors spend so much time on the subject of thoughts?  The answer’s pretty easy:  That’s where everything originates.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Your thoughts are basically the foundation of your life.  Everything is built upon them.

They’re that important.

The downside of the importance of thoughts? Your thoughts can be your undoing.  You can have everything in the world going for you but lack the ability to harness your think tank and make it work for you.  A talented, beautiful, charismatic person without the ability to think positively and proactively may as well be a prairie chicken.

The upside of the importance of thoughts? They can carry you further than your natural abilities and attributes could ever take you on their own. Here’s an illustration.  Have you ever seen someone who, if you had to be honest, was kind of on the unattractive side.  But their confidence – based upon the image of themselves they apparently held in their mind – made them downright gorgeous?!?  I knew a woman like that once.  When I first saw her, I thought, “Bless your heart…” (It’s a Southern thing, we’re always on the lookout to bless someone’s heart.)  But after I met her and spent a little time with her I was certain she should run for the title of Mrs. America.

Nature had given her face a Homer Simpson face, but she was convinced she was rocking a Jessica Simpson face.  Her confidence and mannerisms actually made her as lovely as Jessica.  From Homer to Jessica… now that’s what I call a makeover.  And it all began in her mind.

Build within your mind a strong image of the person you want to be:  Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  Don’t take this imagery lightly and never, ever, ever hold yourself back.  If you even think of saying, “I could never be that…,” I’ll know.   What’s more, I’ll show up on your doorstep fit to be tied.

If you can imagine it, you can become it.

“You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think.” – Walter Anderson

Concentrating and focusing on negative images and thoughts gives these negative presences a type of “staying power.”  By dwelling on them, we pretty much extend an invitation to them for an extended stay.  That’s the last thing we should want!

When the very next negative thought pops into your head, replace it with a positive thought.  If you begin to beat yourself up about something, flip the negative thought into a positive one.  Instead of saying, “I’m overweight,” say, “I’m getting more physically fit every day.”

Instead of saying, “There are so many things I don’t know,” say, “I’m learning new things every day!”

You get the picture… and isn’t it a positive one?

In the same way that negative thoughts move right into your life (toothbrush in hand), positive thoughts can become permanent house guests as well.  The beautiful thing is – negative thoughts and positive thoughts don’t get along.  When one moves in, the other moves out.

What Positive Thoughts Can Do For You

The mind is an amazing thing. We tend to live up to, or down to, our most frequent thoughts.   This is one of the reasons it’s so important to give a child positive reinforcements with encouraging words and praise.  Children think their parents know everything, so they take their every word as the Gospel truth.  Their thoughts center around the feedback their parents give them.  As I’ve said before, I was an only child (spoiled.. the whole stereotype firmly intact).  My parents always told me I could do anything.  My every stroke with a Crayon was sheer genius and everything out of my mouth was witty and wise.   My parents (along with grandparents and loving aunts and uncles) made me feel like I could do absolutely anything.

Positive reinforcement gives an individual power – whether the individual is a spoiled little girl or a grown adult.

Begin telling yourself the sort of things you’d tell your own child.  Be kind. Be gentle.  Be positive.  Be encouraging.  Never tell yourself you can’t do something you want to do.  Promise to figure a way to do it.

Form a clear image of the life you want in your mind today.  Right now, even!  Then begin paving the way from HERE to THERE one positive thought at a time. Of course it’ll take work, effort, and good old-fashioned elbow grease – but remind yourself that you’re headed in the right direction and that you’ll make it in grand style.

“The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

As you travel the path toward your goals, be on the lookout for negative thoughts – they’ll creep in like nasty little trolls.  Don’t let them wreck your progress or break your stride.  Simply push them out of the way with a positive thought.  I used to teach our daughters that when they were tempted to do something bad (pick on a sister, skip their homework, neglect their chores), the best way to handle it was to immediately do something good (make their bed, read, do a worksheet).   Good and bad aren’t on the same team.  And since one leads to good things happening and the other leads to bad things happening, the choice is a clear one.

The same’s true with thoughts.  Positive thoughts lead to good things and negative thoughts lead to bad things.

Child’s play.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” – Willie Nelson

Photo Credit: John Edwards

Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard

Finding a Full Life in an Empty Nest

by joi

in Articles, Positive Thought, Relationships

A few posts back, I mentioned the number of women I’ve personally heard from (and others who I have read about) who are currently struggling with what they call the “Empty Nest Syndrome” or as one lady (who’s kids still live at home) referred to as the “May as Well Be An Empty Nest Because the Birds are Always Gone Syndrome.”

As I’ve said before, I HATE the term “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  What is empty? The total absence of anything. If my coffee cup is empty – - – something that rarely happens, but that’s another story – - -  the cup is without anything in it.  Empty.  Nothing there.

If a home is empty, there isn’t anyone in it.  Empty.  No one there.

I was walking around my yard a few weeks ago when I saw a bird’s nest on the ground.  I, hesitantly, turned it over to see if anything was beneath it.  I was greatly relieved to find that the nest was empty.  No one home when it came crashing down.  Now that’s an EMPTY NEST.

A home in which at least one parent, often two, are living is anything but empty.

What you’re experiencing (and if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re going through the experience or, at least, know that it exists on the horizon) is simply another chapter in your life.  It’s a chapter that’s simply a little quieter with a little more “free time.”  From here on, I’ll refer to the aforementioned syndrome as the “Quiet House Chapter.”

The thing that makes this chapter seem so drastically and dramatically different is that it’s a huge transition.  You go from walking out to the car, one day, with multiple kids fighting over who’s turn it is to sit up front to walking out to the same car the next day with only your shadow as a companion.  He, or she, calls shotgun and off you go.

You go from making lunch for a party of 2, 3, 4, or 5 to making lunch for a party of one – two if your cat’s awake.

It’s not the end of the world, though, and I get crazy upset with people who act like it is.  It’s a new chapter, that’s all, and as any book lover knows, new chapters can be exciting.  New chapters can be challenging.  And new chapters can be, dare I say it, fun!

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to any of the emotions felt.   I’m a mother bird, too.  God blessed me more than I ever thought was possible when he allowed me to become a mother to three beautiful daughters who I love and cherish more than my next breath.  I’d wager to say that this transition in life is even tougher on mothers such as myself, who were stay-at-home moms while raising their children.

To compound the matter, this particular stay-at-home mom also home-schooled her children all the way through school.  That’s a lot of years of sitting at the table studying history, going to the library, picnics at the park, making lunch together, and so forth.

That’s why, I believe with all my heart, that my family has been kind of nonchalantly keeping an eye on me – waiting for Mother Hen’s wig to flip.  They know that my family is my life – they always have been and they always will be.  It doesn’t matter if we’re currently under the same roof or not.  Family is family no matter where they count their sheep.

When you get down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a working parent, a work at home parent, or a home-schooling parent,  when the life that you dearly love with every fiber of your being changes – it throws you.  What you have to do is make sure it throws you forward.  Allow it to make you stronger, not weaker.  Demand that it make you better, not bitter.

And, please let the only parties you throw be happy ones, as in no pity parties allowed.  I promise, you’ll be the only one there.

Whether you’re kids are living at home (yet seem to be gone all the time) or they’ve already moved out, there are certain tips for coping with the “Quiet House Chapter” as well as a little homespun advice from a Mother Hen who’s proverbial wig is still in place.

Playing in the Next Room

Here’s something I shared with one reader a few months ago.  I got an e-mail from her yesterday and she said the advice has worked “brilliantly” for her.  I could tell, just by reading her words that she was in a much better place.  The first few times she contacted me, I could almost “hear” tears in her words – this time I’m almost certain there was laughter.

Remember when your kids were small and they’d play in their bedroom or the living room?  Even if you were in the kitchen, you knew where they were – playing in the next room.  The concept of them staying in the same room you were in, 24-7, would have seemed bizarre.  Even though they played in the next room, you were their parent and they were your child and you loved them with all your heart.  You knew they were just a “call” away – whether it were you doing the “calling” because supper was ready or they did the “calling” because someone took their Barbie!

You were 1 call away.

When your kids are older and they seem to spend more time at the mall than their own bedroom, or they move out on their own or go off to college – it will truly help you to think of them as “playing in the next room.”   The beautiful thing is, you’re still just a “call” away.  Whether it’s you making the “call” because you’re making their favorite casserole for supper or they’re making the “call” because they want to know if paper plates are microwavable – you’re still 1 call away.

Pull Yourself Together

There will be days when you feel kind of sad.  There will be days when you think you’d give anything to turn back time.  There will be days when you’re kind of lonely.  It might remind you of when you, yourself, moved away from home for the first time – another huge chapter in your life.  But remember this:  Nothing really changed, did it?

Well, actually, very often things change for the better.  I honestly believe I grew closer to both my mother and my father after I got married.  The crazy thing is, I’m almost certain I saw them more often – especially when the granddaughters came!  I had them over for dinner several nights a week, we went shopping more often, we walked at the park, my mom always made Sunday dinner, my father and my husband talked for hours about sports…

Keep one thing in mind:  How you act as you enter this new chapter will determine just how much everyone will want to be around you!  If you make your kids, or husband, feel guilty or try to make them feel sorry for you – you will push them away.  No one wants to take a guilt trip – they’ll simply avoid the risk by avoiding you.  If, every time one of your kids calls you spend half the conversation talking about how lonely or miserable you are, do you really think they’re going to rush to the phone to call you again any time soon?

For your sake as much as the sake of your family, if you’re coming undone over the Quiet House Chapter, pull yourself together.

Idle Minds Are the Devil’s Workshop

Maybe it’s not the nest that’s as empty as it is the life.  I know, ouch. Many times parents get so wrapped up in raising, teaching, caring for, and playing with their children that they overlook one tiny little thing – everyone has to have their own life, their own interests, their own goals, their own ambitions, and their own smiles.

Yes, their own smiles.

When parents look at their children – we smile!  Even if the child is being a cantankerous little snot, on some level it amuses us. There’s nothing in the world wrong with smiling at your kids – I smile just thinking about mine.  What’s wrong is acting like they’re the only thing that can bring a smile to your face.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there – filled with, literally, countless things to smile at and about.

Never let anyone feel that one of their responsibilities in life is to flip your happiness switch.  Flip your own!

When the Quiet House Chapter begins, you’ll find yourself with lots of free time and free thoughts.  This is where the chapter takes on a certain level of excitement – you get to fill this free time and these free thoughts any way you want.  No one’s dictating what you have to do from this time to that time.    You can take up new hobbies, learn new skills, take up yoga, launch a home business, or write the next great vampire novel.

Below is a list of different adventures you might want to take:

  • Take up birdwatching.
  • Go to the Animal Shelter and rescue a dog who looks lonely.
  • Rescue two!
  • Learn to speak a new language
  • Learn cake decorating.
  • Take online classes in a subject that fascinates you.
  • Take up photography.
  • Learn everything you can about sharks, whales, dolphins, and the ocean.
  • Volunteer.
  • Begin reading all of Agatha Christie’s mysteries.  Start at the first and keep going until you’ve read them all.
  • Go to the shelter and adopt a couple of kittens.  Cats make incredible companions.
  • Grow an herb garden.
  • Buy a couple of yoga dvds, a great yoga book, and fall in love with the experience.
  • Take up serious walking or biking.
  • Take trips to your local state parks and zoos.
  • Go to the Grand Old Opry.
  • Learn to play an instrument.
  • Make candles, soap, jewelry, or all three.
  • Buy a sewing machine and take up sewing.
  • Learn to quilt.
  • Perfect your homemade bread recipe.
  • Start an eBay business – find great deals on antiques and collectibles, then sell them for extra cash.
  • Visit your library regularly.  Scourge the shelves for fascinating new subjects to read about.
  • Buy a bird!
  • Start an aquarium.
  • Buy hamsters and provide elaborate cages and mazes for them.
  • Start watching a sport you’ve never watched before. Pick a team and follow their every game.
  • Learn to make a great cake from scratch – then experiment with different recipes.

I know I mention pets a great deal – but, for one thing, I’m the biggest animal lover in the world… and for another, they STAY babies!

If you decide to pursue a certain interest, buy all the books and dvds you can find on the subject – check out books at the library, research it online, and embrace the fascinating new passion with all you have inside of you.

Please just remember this – it’s something I harp on a great deal on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds:  Never, ever stop living – the day you do, you start dying.  If you wake up one morning and you just aren’t sure you have any reason to laugh, find one!  When we move from one chapter to the next in life, there are a couple of things that are RIPE for picking:

  1. We can become bitter, sad, and refuse to make the transition from one chapter to the next.  We can keep looking back, with tear-stained eyes at the chapters we’ve already lived and make everyone around us nearly as miserable as we are.  We can make it so that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations – other than “Well, I hope YOU’RE happy.” and “I’m so LONELY.”  (Wonderful, wonderful conversation nuggets, don’t you think.)
  2. We can look back on our past chapters with joy and pride, while embracing the one we’re currently living in with all that’s within us.  We can become so busy learning new things and taking up new interests and hobbies that our spouse and our kids simply don’t know what we’re going to come up with next!  My oldest daughter was a little taken aback yesterday when I called her out to my garden to show her something I’d found:  On a sage leaf was the largest (HUGE) yellow spider I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so proud!  I had her take a picture of my sage loving friend.  My sweet, petite, lovely daughter said, “Kill it!” a couple of times but why would I go and do a thing like that?!  Yes, I’ve become fascinated with spiders.  I guess it was only a matter of time.   The mammoth spider lived to see another day and he provided me with another interest to pursue.

Life is filled with excitement, fun, and fascinating moments – as long as you keep looking for them.  I don’t beg often, but if you’re currently going through this chapter in your life, I beg you to fill your days with reasons to smile…  and, no they don’t have to be spiders!

If you ever want a sounding board, my e-mail is on the site.   Now, I’m off to the garden to see if  “Sargent Sage” is lurking around. Such a handsome devil.  (By the way, the spider at the top of the post isn’t my spider – it’s no where near as large or charismatic).

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