I get a great number of requests for relationship-related articles and book reviews for books written by relationship experts. In a disturbing trend, it seems that these requests are growing. I recently wrote a post dealing with relationships – and the feedback was tremendous.
On my websites, I don’t want to write about what I want to write about, I want to write about what my readers want to read about! So, to that end, I’m going to devote this entire week to an interview with a relationship expert and author, John E. Welshon. Each day will feature a great answer he provides to a basic relationship question. I’ll also include excerpts from his recent book, One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships
Even our daily quotes will have relationships on their mind!
Dealing with Difficult Relationships
How do we deal with difficult relationships? How do we mend broken relationships? Can a marriage be saved when it seems all hope is lost? Can bad relationships with siblings be mended?
In One Soul, One Love, One Heart, John E. Welshon shows how any, and all, of our relationships can be mended (if they’re broken, breaking, or shattered) and strengthened (even if they’re nowhere near breaking – what better time to strengthen them, right?!)
As you read his thoughts over the coming days, think about your own relationships – at home and at work. DO NOT make the mistake that most people make when reading relationship advice: They read along, thinking, “Wow, she really needs to do this…” or “Yeah, that’s him – that’s him all over the place!” Do that and you miss the boat entirely.
Read. Relate. Respond.
Take the words to heart – your heart, that is. You’re seeking advice for ways to fix the relationship, heal what has been broken, and head into a fresh, beautiful new direction. Let go of blame, let go of fault-finding, and put your pointing fingers down. Your desire to be HAPPY should be greater than your desire to be RIGHT.
Plenty of RIGHT people find themselves alone. Right? Absolutely. But still alone.
Below is the first question along with John E. Welshon’s wonderful answer. Remember, you don’t have to be involved in any difficult or strained relationships to benefit from his advice, and this advice is just as golden for non-romantic relationships (children, siblings, co-workers, friends, neighbors…) as it is for romantic relationships.
Q: What are 5 tips that can be put into immediate practice to begin healing difficult relationships?
A: Well, let’s start with the most difficult first. That would be to do whatever you can to let go of your expectation that the person you’re having difficulty with should be different than they are. Now, of course, that doesn’t mean tolerating abusive, dishonest, or violent behavior. It just means standing back from the situation and taking the perspective that this other being – no matter how difficult they seem – is just being who they are at the moment. The are just working through their own confusions and difficulties. And – if it’s not too uncomfortable a concept – you might try to accept that they are just the way God created them – with all their blemishes. And you are just the way God created you – with all of your blemishes. So don’t take the other person’s difficult personality personally.
The second is to resolve that you won’t participate in making the situation worse. That is to say, in most difficult relationships each person knows how to push the other’s emotional buttons. Each knows what irritates the other, and the two people have usually become enmeshed in a painful dance in which – rather than seeking healing – they are going toward making each other angry, and blaming each other for all the problems that exist. So you – personally – resolve to not make the situation worse by deciding to step back from emotionally charged situations, and making a commitment not to use profanity and accusatory language.
The third is to learn to actually – actively – listen to another human being. That is something few people understand in this culture. But you have to set ground rules for the communication and you both have to agree to the ground rules. Each, in turn, gets an opportunity to express themselves and be fully “heard” by the other – no interruptions, no corrections, no defensiveness – just an open-hearted attempt to hear and feel exactly what the world looks like and feels like to the other person. It’s really the cultivation of empathy – the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes, the ability to feel their pain. And empathy ultimately leads to compassion. Eventually, rather than asking, “Why is this person such a jerk?,” you begin asking, “Why is this person suffering so much? What is causing them to be mean, unpleasant, or disconnected?” That is an incredibly important step, because the truth of the matter is, it is not natural for any human being to be insensitive or cruel. Insensitivity and cruelty have to be taught. Or, another way to look at it is to say that a human being has to be taught not to be loving, kind, and sensitive… because love, kindness, and sensitivity are aspects of our true nature – and everyone has them, even if those aspects of their being have been nearly extinguished by their upbringing, or cultural training.
The fourth is to share your feelings – your truth – in a manner that seeks to convey what you feel and why you feel it. In both of these interactions, it’s best to try to avoid phrases like, “You always..” or “You never”…. you know, accusatory statements. It’s better to say, “When you do so-and-so, it makes me feel…” whatever it makes you feel.
The fifth is to try to remember that love and peace, and joy are all within you – and they are always within you. You can’t lose them. You can temporarily lose your ability to experience them. And you can temporarily lose your awareness of how to find them. But they exist in a place deep within your awareness that can never be damaged or lost. It is sometimes called the soul, or Buddha nature, or Christ consciousness. There are a thousand names for that place. You just have to know how to find it. It is not something another person can give you or take away from you. It is the essence of who you are – your highest nature. The light of love is always within you just as the sun is always shining at the center of our universe, and the light of love is always shining in the center of your being.
John E. Welshon is the author of One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships
Book Description
How do we heal our difficult relationships and nurture our healthy ones?
What is their significance in our spiritual life?
In this deeply moving, groundbreaking book, John E. Welshons answers these questions and many more. He shows why the path to real and lasting happiness lies in recognizing that we are all One, and in living in that awareness.
He shows us how to heal our most difficult relationships by transforming them into our greatest spiritual lessons and how to love, forgive, and care for our fellow human beings — even those we find most difficult to love and forgive. With compassion and wisdom, Welshons invites us into a revolutionary new understanding of ourselves, our spiritual life, our world, and all our relationships.
Tomorrow, John E. Welshon will address celebrities and political figures who have lost all touch with manners and decency!
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Dear Joi,
Nicely done post!
I think you and your readers would like my little, inspirational book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) — an easy read to keep by the bedside …
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
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