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parenting

Fifty Dollar Haircuts on Fifty Cent Heads

by joi on June 17, 2009

in General, Helping Children, Must Reads

“Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.” - Garrison Keillor

Girl Chewing Gum.Ever stop to think about the emphasis that looks are given in our society? Young people give their appearance more attention than ever. In fact, a lot of them spend hours primping and preparing for their self-directed photoshoot, then take tons of pictures of themselves for social websites.

During the years when they should be cultivating their relationships, their mind, their conversational skills, their education, and so forth, they’re spending the most time finding their most flattering angles and poses.  Then, of course, they have to take the pictures to photoshop to make them all the more flattering. When all else fails, make that picture black and white.

Then, it’s to the presses! They publish the pics on their favorite social websites with a pleading “Say something about me!”

Of course they have to caption the picture themselves – which usually brings gems such as, “I’m just so silly.” or “Wow. I look drunk LOL!”

What a LOOK AT ME world!

Ever stop to wonder what the future will be like for the MySpace generation if they don’t start giving their “insides” as much attention as they give their “outsides?”  THAT picture isn’t quite as pretty.

If you’re blessed enough to have young people in your life, you know darn well that you can’t just talk to them about this. You have to outsmart them. Fortunately, if you catch them in photoshop, they’ll be so distracted, your odds will be extraordinary.

Your main goal is to get the young person away from the shallow end of the ME pool and coax her or him into deeper waters.

  • Talk to her about what she wants to do with her life. Feed her interest, whether or not it’s YOUR first choice or not.  Whatever interests her should interest you – buy her books, cut out newspaper articles for her (and of course, read them yourself), talk with her, find websites and television documentaries that focus on her interest, etc.  Tell her that you’re proud of her for having goals and aspirations.
  • Don’t criticize and condemn. Kids need their parents approval more than anything. Just because your son  seems like a cocky little devil doesn’t mean he doesn’t absolutely crave your approval.
  • Compliment your daughter or son’s personality and sense of humor. Let them know that they crack you up and that you love their company. Let them know that there is so much more to them than how they look.
  • Make your child feel smart. Don’t ridicule and make fun of things they say and do.  Whether or not you realize it, this makes them feel dumb.  If they feel like they aren’t “smart enough,” they’ll only look for ways to get the approval they crave.  If they don’t get attention and approval from you, rest assured they’ll get it somewhere else.
  • Show your child the different “needs” in the world. Hand them a copy of  “One Can Make a Difference” and challenge them to find a way to make their  own difference.  Get them away from themselves – for their own good.

Finally, realize that a certain amount of social networking is perfectly normal.  Young people (and even not so young people) are having a blast with it.  It’s downright invigorating to talk to people from around the country and even around the world.   Sharing interests, learning about  different cultures, and so forth – great stuff.  But, come on, when all you have to offer them is,  “My eyes look kind of green in this picture, don’t they?  Well, they’re really brown.  Deep, dark brown… ” – you’d be better off sitting alone admiring your own eyes.

Wow.  What a life well-spent that’d be.

Naturally, we adults aren’t immune to this sort of thing either.  We’d do well to follow our own advice, wouldn’t we?  When we find ourselves on social sites with the attitude of “Look at me!” or “Listen to me!” – we’d do the world a huge favor if we examined our intent and our motivations.  Are they purely selfish, to the tune of simply wanting people to hear us because they happen to have something you want (as in money) or because we want desperately to climb a social ladder and each follower or “convert” represents another step on the ladder?

Or are we genuinely trying to help other people – whether it’s teaching them things we happen to know or motivating and inspiring them to bring out the best in themselves.  Everyone has certain gifts and talents – and if you spend your days using yours to help others I’ve got two words for you:  You’re cool.

We should all frequently step away from ourselves and see the needs in the world. If we can help anyone or anything, even in the smallest way, wouldn’t it be selfish not to? I have no more interest in Fifty Dollar Jackets Covering Fifty Cent Hearts than I do Fifty Dollar Haircuts on Fifty Cent Heads.

Facts Are Stubborn Things. Indeed.

by joi on March 9, 2009

in General

Lizard

Facts are stubborn things. – John Adams

A few nights ago at the movie theater, I was walking into a door when a young man, apparently, walked in front of me.  I say apparently because there was a great crowd and, pretty much, it was each person for himself or herself.  A man in a plaid coat  and I arrived at the door at the same time.I paused to let him go in front of me and he smiled and said, “Oh, no, after you.”  It was then that I noticed the very cute, clean cut teenager who’d gotten in front of me.  He paused to wait for the friendly gentleman – it was his dad.

The dad  quietly told him, “Son, you walked right in front of that lady.”  The son, said, “I’m sorry. I was looking down at my ticket and didn’t see her.”

If I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get where I was going, I might have passed out.  A  parent taking the time to teach their child manners was enough of a blow, but a teenager saying, “I’m sorry” when he hadn’t done anything worse than walking in front of someone was a real jaw dropper.

I’m a thinker, born to think.  So, naturally, I thought about this off and on throughout the night.

Parents today often stare at their children in disbelief.  Oh, the language they use.  The immodesty.  The decisions they make.  Who’s to blame for all of this?  Oh yeah, movies, television, other kids, teachers, the school system, music, and MTV.  Of course!

Except for the part, of course, where that’s utter hogwash.

As John Adams said when he decided to defend British soldiers after the Boston Massacre, “Facts are stubborn things.“  When we raise children, we’re basically training them in the  way they should live.  Naturally, they’ll pick up certain habits along the way that we had little, if anything, to do with. But their overall character and accountablitly?  Make no mistake, we had a shaping hand in that.

Which is why it’s refreshing to see a parent doing hands on training as this father was doing with his son. He didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names or try to degrade him.  He simply, and quietly, made a strong case for manners.  Personally, I think that’s what good parenting should be – calm and controlled – between the parent and the child. There’s no need to raise the roof, no need to lash out.  If you need to scream to be heard, you’ve missed the boat somewhere along the way.  Don’t flail around, noisly, in the water.  Find the right boat!

All relationships – whether they’re between children and parents, siblings, or sweethearts – begin and end with respect for the other person.  You can’t expect anyone to respect you if you don’t respect them.

John Adams’ quote hits home on more fronts than just parenting, of course.  How about the following?

  • Facts are stubborn things:  When we eat fast food on a regular basis, we’re going to gain weight.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If  we refuse to eat the foods we know we should eat and turn to the unhealthy ones instead, we’re going to have blood pressure problems, heart problems, and a host of other nasty diseases.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we refuse to outsmart the pack of cigarettes in our pocket, we’re going to die sooner than we should.  And it won’t be pretty.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we don’t make our family our first priority, we won’t have the strong, happy family we all dream of.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  Karma is real.  Karma is accurate.  If you continually spew anger, impatience, intolerance, and/or sarcasm into the world (and all over everyone within your reach), don’t waste time watching for peace, happiness, and contentment to show up on your doorstep.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you want to be treated “like a lady,” you need to act like one.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you want respect, you have to earn it.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you practice dishonesty or “flirt” with little white lies, get ready for people to doubt every word out of your mouth.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we want to improve in a given area, we have to devote at least 1 hour each day to the endeavor.  There are no magic wands.  I’ve looked.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  The Ten Commandments, the Bible, and Prayer should never have been taken out of school.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we want our minds to stay sharp, we have to challenge them.  If the only thing we read is the TV guide, our brains will pretty much waste away.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  You can’t make someone else WANT something.  You can’t impose your wishes or desires upon them.  Quite frankly, you just don’t have the right.

What are some of your own stubborn facts?  Leave them in the comments!

One of the Most Disturbing Things I’ve Ever Read

by joi on October 20, 2008

in Helping Children, Relationships

Here’s is a link to a story that just leaves me feeling depressed and, well, angry. On a hot day in 2007, a woman has to take her baby to the babysitter on the way to work – a task the father normally does, but because of another appointment, can’t do on this particular morning.

She goes by the store to pick up some snacks to take to work, then returns to the car. Instead of heading off to the babysitters, however, she drives right to the school in which she works (as a principal). The entire day (a day in which the temperatures reach 100 degrees) goes by and the woman never thinks once of her daughter in the backseat.

Needless to say, the baby went on to a far better place – with angels fighting over who got to hold her next.

According to the article, the woman was on Oprah recently. The show apparently dealt with finding ways to “slow down.” After all, that’s the only thing this woman did wrong, right? She was just too busy…

Actually, she wasn’t too busy for what mattered to her. She wasn’t too busy to get snacks for her co-workers and she wasn’t too busy to make it to work. Frankly, it serves as a reminder to me that just because some people CAN have children doesn’t mean they SHOULD. Sound harsh? Good, I’m pretty sure I meant for it to.

If someone isn’t capable of giving themselves fully to being a mother or father, they need to go to the pet store, not the maternity ward. Children deserve and require fulltime attention, love, devotion, and care. They aren’t something to be wedged in between money, careers, socializing, etc. If they aren’t going to be a priority, they shouldn’t even be discussed.

The title of the article even ticks me off: “An Overwhelmed Mom’s Deadly Mistake.” First of all, she has a career – most women do. She isn’t in some exclusive little club. She had one extra task that morning… taking her baby to the babysitter. That’s overwhelming??!!

A few things come to mind. First of all, the woman (I’ll give her this, she is speaking out.) may bring attention to other women and men who’s children aren’t at the top of their priority list. Hopefully, these people will recognize themselves in this story and be more aware of what (or who) is going on around them. The type of person who’d read this story and think, “Oh, yeah, I can see how that happened.” needs to read this story once a day for the rest of their lives.

Second of all, how amazing would it have been if the babysitter had called the mother or father and asked where they were – to make sure everything was okay? If I were a babysitter and one of my normal children didn’t show up, I’d be phoning someone making sure nothing had happened. What if the sitter had called the mom earlier in the morning, or the father? If she’d let the dad know, around 8:00 or, at least 9:00, that the little girl wasn’t there, he would have had time to find out why.

Again, this sounds rude – I admit it – but what about the father? If his wife was so entirely off the proverbial ball that she’d forget a baby in her backseat ALL DAY LONG, how could it never occur to him to call her and make sure she’d done what billions of other mothers manage to do?

I’m a firm believer that lessons can be pulled out of anything – even wreckage. This would be a great reminder to slow down and pay attention to the moment we’re living in. It’d also be a great reminder to anyone who has the supreme honor of being a mother or father. Nothing is more important than our daughter(s) and/or son(s). They’re blessings that we should never, ever take for granted.

It’s also a great reminder to care more about others – not a passive care, but an active care. If someone is late or doesn’t show (for whatever!), call them to check up on them. Better to appear overly concerned than not even remotely concerned.

8 hours. How do you not think about your child for 8 hours?

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

by joi on August 26, 2008

in Books I Love, General, Helping Children, Relationships, Self Help

Polar Bear Family


Buy at AllPosters.com

We all need positive feedback!

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (the review will be up before the weekend).  It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to sort of soak everything in.  After this morning’s reading, I was a sponge – I guess it made me Sponge Blogger No Pants (I still had my gown on).    

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives.  Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband some pancakes, I was still thinking about what I read.  I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me.  My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on.  That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never did get into any trouble.  When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m pretty darn sure that’s not accurate.

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.”  They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As the pancake batter soaked up the buttermilk, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me.  I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago.  Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him!) had to move to another state when I was really young.  It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to.  He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not!

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have e-mail then!  When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby.  She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one.  When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write.  I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother.  Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them.  My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words”.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe they were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing every since.

When I handed my smiling husband his plate of pancakes, I was struck by yet another instance of positive feedback touching and shaping my life.  Early in my marriage, I fell in love with cooking.  I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes.  When he was in the Air Force, he’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper.  I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world.  The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very lucky that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often “give up” becaue they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever “good enough.”

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themself, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!
 

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I never catch any breaks
  • I don’t have enough money
  • Nobody loves me
  • I’m lonely
  • I can’t do anything
  • I’m so depressed
  • I am so sick and tired of…
  • My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves poison, and we should kick ourselves.  If we feed words like that to another human being, we should be stomped.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself.  The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse.  If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay.  If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow. 

Now let’s change the pronouns a little:  If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay.  If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow.  How far can you and I grow?  As far as we want to!

Sweeeeet.

 

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