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Relationships

Are Moods Contagious?

by joi on March 9, 2010

in Positive Thought, Relationships

Ever notice that some people are easier to be around and more enjoyable to hang out with than other people? It isn’t necessarily the things they say or don’t say or the number of times they make us laugh. Actually it all comes down to this: How do they make us feel? How do we feel about life and ourselves when we’re around them?

Scientists from Harvard Medical School and University of California at San Diego tell us that happiness is, indeed, contagious.  What’s more, we can actually “catch” other people’s moods. Their study of more than 5,000 people over a 20 year period found that people are more likely to be happy when the people they spend the most time with are positive and upbeat.

Grumble guts, Eeyores, and Negative Nellys do nothing but pull our moods down to their level. Whether you encounter them online or in person, you’ll find yourself wanting nothing more than to avoid their presence at all costs. They make you feel down, angry, sad, discouraged, tense….

The reason? Mirror Neurons. Mirror neurons are nerve cells in the brain that make us automatically adopt the mood of those around us. The funny thing is, you can even “pick up on” someone’s negative vibes online!  Although I can’t prove it, I personally think some people are more susceptible to these effects than others. For instance, I’m highly, highly, highly susceptible to mirror neurons and their mojo, for better or worse.  If, for example, I come across someone in a comment’s section of a blog who is obviously just trying to pick a fight or be difficult and argumentative – I can literally feel my neck muscles tensing. Their negative energy seems to jump right out at me.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I come across people with positive energy, upbeat attitudes, and great vibes – a smile appears on my face without me even telling it to.

You may or may not feel the effects as strongly or as easily as I do, but make no mistake about it – you feel them.  And if that isn’t reason enough to choose who you hang out with carefully, nothing is.

Here’s the thing.  Ultimately, we can’t make everyone around us play nice and, quite frankly, blowing sunshine up their  keester amuses us far more than it does them.  We can, however, choose how we react to people and their moods.  If there are people in your life who seem to get you down, frustrate you, or on a consistent basis bring about negative feelings – recognize it  and do something about it. Maybe you can’t avoid these people – heck, maybe you don’t even want to.  That’s cool.  Just be on guard against the effect they have on you.  Often, just realizing the tendency can help you keep it from happening.

Try to lift their spirits when you can – make them laugh, help them recall happy memories, smile warmly and smile often.  Approach the time you spend with them determined to have the stronger “mood germs” and make them catch YOUR good mood rather than the other way around!

Give them an ear, give them a shoulder.  But don’t give them the power to affect your day.

Words Have the Power to Make Relationships or Break Relationships

by joi on July 23, 2009

in Relationships, Self Help

Smithland Estate

The husband and I were driving around Smithland, Kentucky a few days ago.  It’s a beautiful little river city near Paducah.  I’ll forgive you if you haven’t heard of Smithland, it puts the small in small town.

I saw a cool street sign there, however, that made me start thinking about words – not that I need much motivation to think about words.  I’m totally obsessed with them to begin with.  Love to write them, love to read them, love to just immerse myself in their company every chance I get.

The sign was on a narrow little street lined with houses (with yards filled with bikes, swingsets, etc.).  The Sign said, “DRIVE SLOW.  WE LOVE OUR KIDS!”

Effective, much.

This sign put on a Communication’s Workshop all by itself.  Copywriters, bloggers, speakers – anyone who owns a mouth with which they speak or hands with which they write could gather around the humble little sign and soak up the knowledge.

Everyone needs a WHY in life.  Telling someone DO THIS or  DON’T DO THAT without a why to support it simply isn’t as effective.  The beauty of this sign lies in the fact that it conjures up something that most signs don’t  – Emotion.  Most of us are used to the  “Slow Children Playing” signs.  We seldom even register them when we see them anymore.  (The only time I really notice them is when they remind me of what my dad said when they put this sign on our street, “Okay,but how about the fast ones? Are they fair game?”  – I miss my dad.)

When you see one of the signs in Smithland, you’re pulled into the emotion that we all have for our children.  The feeling tugs on your heart and you lay off the  gas.

Words.  Are.  Powerful.

Words have the power to heal broken hearts and make dreams come true.  They have the power to make someone feel better about themself.  They also have the power to break hearts in the first place and to keep dreams from coming true.  And of course they have the power to tear someone down completely and cause them to feel completely worthless.

How forcible are right words! – Job 6:25

Maybe it’s because I have such a close, loving relationship with words – but I wish that people who use words to harm, judge, belittle, tease, or shame others would take up the habit of chewing gum……  a big wad of gum, so thick that they can’t possibly even speak.

Wouldn’t the world be a more joyous, fun place in which to live?!?!

This is just one of the reasons I have always strived to keep hate out of my heart and out of my mind.  When hate moves into your heart or mind, rest assured no good will ever come from it.  It’ll simply grow and grow – then come flying out of your mouth or fingertips.  Confucius said it best, “Words are the voice of the heart.”   If your words are consistently critical, condemning, and unkind – guess what emotion dominates your heart?!  It’s not just time to give your vocabulary an overhaul, it’s time to rethink your outlook on life.

I’ve often wondered if those who are hyper critical and overly judgmental are, on some level, very unhappy.  It just seems to me that if you’re a happy, contented person who truly appreciates your blessings, you won’t have time to spit hatred all over the place.

If that’s the case, then I feel kind of sorry for the grumble guts.  Hopefully, before they push the entire world away from them, they’ll find happiness.  THEN, they can spread that instead of misery.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. – Josh Billings

We’d all do well to begin paying closer attention to our words – some people might just be amazed.  Begin to be freeer with your compliments and more stingy with your sarcasm and insults.  If someone you love looks beautiful, tell them so.  If they cook a killer meal, commend them right before you give them a heartfelt “Thank you!”  If someone does a favor for you, let them know how much you appreciate the favor and, even more, them.

Don’t take people for granted and never assume someone knows how you feel or what you think.  They’ll only know for sure when you tell them.

“Words are the voice of the heart.” – Confucius

Your Relationships – A Fast and Painless Way to Make Them Even Better

by joi on June 17, 2009

in Must Reads, Relationships

Beautiful, Happy Family

ex⋅pec⋅ta⋅tion – noun
1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.
5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.
6. the degree of probability that something will occur

Relationships fascinate me, which makes perfect sense since people fascinate me.  I guess it’s only right that the way people interact and treat one another would be fascinating to me as well.

I love to see how people react to others, the tones of voice they use with different people, the things that get under their skin, which people they pull out all the stops with (setting their personality dial to HIGH and turning their humor dial all the way up to HILARIOUS), how they treat those they say they love, etc.

Ironically, it’s often the people who mean the most to us who often forget just how charming or funny we can be.

Quite a few years ago, we were going through lean times, financially.  My husband was working at a job he didn’t exactly love and we were feeling the stress of a large family vs. a small income.   We didn’t fight or bicker – but he was seldom in a charming mood when he came home from work.  Then, when he sat down at the table to pay bills…. Even the cats hid!

One day after church, he was talking with some of  his friends.  One of the guys walked over to me and said, “Mike is such a funny guy, he must keep you in stitches.”  I smiled and said “Sure does!” but, on the inside I was thinking, “He’s funny?  Him? Oh, yeah, wait… I remember now. Yeah, he once had the best sense of humor in the world.”

He still had it, the people who lived under the same roof as him just didn’t see it as much as others did.

This is actually pretty consistent with relationships. We EXPECT our family to love us, we EXPECT our family to think we’re the bee’s knees, we EXPECT them to think we’re funny, charming, intelligent, etc.  We don’t EXPECT everyone else to, so we work a little harder on them – turn the dials up as high as they’ll go when necessary.  Only to turn them back down when we get home.

Needless to say, that’s not how it should be.  We all know that, right?  Can you imagine how few arguments and divorces there would be if husbands treated their wives as well as they did their best client, their boss, or their closest friends?  What if the wife treated her husband as sweetly and patiently as she did her son or daughter?

Let that sink in for a minute and think about the beautiful relationships that’d be enjoyed.

We get comfortable.  That’s one of the biggest factors.  Think of it this way:  I’m sitting in my husband’s computer chair with my legs folded in the chair with me.  I’m barefoot, I have my hair pulled back into a topknot, black and pink polka dot pajamas on, without a stitch of make-up on. In fact, I just washed off a facial mask, so there may or may not be white clay-looking stuff in an eyebrow or two.  As an extra dose of lovely, I’m chewing on a Starbuck’s straw.  (Are you turned on yet?!?!)

Would I go to Applebee’s like this? I wouldn’t even go through a drive-thru like this!

But I’m home.  The only ones who see me tonight are my 3 daughters and my cat Alexa.  It’s home.  It’s comfortable.

The people in our lives – especially our spouses – become home for us. They become so comfortable, in fact, that a couple who has been married for a lot of years can ride along in a vehicle without saying a word for over an hour, just enjoying the togetherness.  We’re home.

We should all pay more attention to how we treat those who we love the most.  They should get our best, not our worst.  Being comfortable is one thing, but being neglectful is another.

I think we also have problems in our relationships when we expect too much. What would you say if your co-worker told you that her son got a B+ in College Algebra?  If you’re like me, you’d think, “Wow! Smart kid.”  You’d think how proud his parents must be of him.  However, if your own child got a B+, be honest, one of the things you’d think (if not immediately, at least a little later) is, “Aww, man, so close to an A!”

We expect the world from those closest to us.  We females expect our husbands to lavish us with compliments, rub our necks, and be as attentive as they were on our first date.

Males expect pretty much the same, but throw in a tall glass of iced tea and a couple of sandwiches.  Often, when what we’re EXPECTING doesn’t measure up with what we GET, we’re disappointed and it’s written all over our face.

Mothers expect their children to get straight A’s, keep their room spotless, mind their manners, and always make them proud.

Fathers expect pretty much the same thing, but throw in a tall glass of iced tea and a couple of sandwiches.

Perhaps it’d be beneficial to our relationships, and to our families, if we occasionally tossed out the expectations.  Nine times out of ten we’d be blown away by how wonderful these people are who we often take for granted.

Always look for the good in everybody, then when you find it – never let it out of your sight. This is never more important than when we’re dealing with our loved ones.



How Do You Make Other People Feel?

by joi on March 16, 2009

in General

Playful Polar Bears

Playful Polar Bears Poster
Buy at AllPosters.com

I want you to hink about something for a minute. No, not what you’ll have for supper. Not the economy. Not the weather. No, not even the upcoming Baseball Season (which I’m over the moon about, by the way – LOVE baseball!)

I want you to think about the six most important people in your life. Get a good, clear picture of each one in your mind. This next part is of the utmost importance. Typically, when we think of the people in our lives, we think of the things they do that make us smile, the things they do that make us frown, the things we wish they’d do…. Basically we think about how they make us feel.

I don’t want you to think about that right now, at all. I want you to swing your thoughts entirely in the opposite direction. I want you to take each person (each one who, by your own admission, is very important to you) and ask yourself, “How do I make them feel?”

Our initial response might be, “How should I know?!” – but that’s kind of a cop out. In our heart of hearts, we know exactly how we make them feel. The truth is there, it just may need to be dug out – after all, it’s (unfortunately) not a frequently used train of thought, so it may need to be uncovered and dusted off a bit.

Consider the following questions FOR EACH PERSON (don’t expect them to be easy or necessarily enjoyable – just important):

  • Do you make this person feel like they’re a disappointment to you – as though you want more from them than they seem capable of delivering? Do you place so many expectations on them that they can’t possibly live up to them all?  A sad fact is that, if this is the case, the day will come when they will just stop trying.
  • Do you make this person feel like an idiot?! Do you, even  in “jest” call them dumb, dummy, stupid, etc?  Words don’t come out of our mouths with warning labels stuck to them (“This word may seem hurtful, but it’s a joke – so please laugh and disregard it.”).  A word, once said, cannot be taken back and its effects can be felt for a lifetime.  If you aren’t mature enough to weigh your words carefully before they come out, aren’t you truly the one with the problem?  Don’t make others pay for your shortcoming.  Instead, work on it!
  • Do you make this person feel like they’re little more than your servant? When they see you coming toward them, are chances high that they automatically think, “Wonder what he/she wants now?“  Trick them!  Instead of handing him a “to do” list, hand him a couple of movie tickets to an action movie you know he’ll love (and you’ll somehow get through!).  Or hand her a Starbucks card – locked and loaded!
  • Do you make your children (or spouse!) feel like they’re in the way? If one of them walks into the room, talking a mile a minute, do you give short, snippy, get-on-with-it-I’m-busy answers or do you tell life, “You just hang on one minute, my baby needs me right now!“?  I’m a lot of things and I make a lot of silly mistakes (er, I cut my back badly while in the tub last night because I used a razor to scratch an itch… top that!),  but life has known one thing about me from the day I met my husband and the day each of our daughters were born – THEY COME FIRST and nothing will get in the way.  Ever.  If I’m swimming in online work or a big meal or laundry (or all three at once, I am woman watch me soar!), and one of my daughters wants to talk about anything from American Idol to Psychology, life knows to head to the back of the bus without me even sending it there.  If I’ve got 10 windows open at the bottom of my screen and am in the middle of answering 5 e-mails at once and my hubby wants to talk about the St. Louis Cardinals (this is their year, you know), the windows practically close themselves.  Yes, I slash my own back with razors but my family KNOWS they’re the most important thing in my world, because they ARE my world.
  • Does this person feel like they could tell you anything or would they try desperately to keep things from you? If you tend to blow up over every little thing, your loved ones will not ever want to tell you anything.  They’ll keep pesky little car noises, fender benders, vile bank invoices, etc. all on the low.  You should always be the sort of person that your loved ones KNOW will be there for them. Someone they can always come to… without developing an ulcer first.

My oldest daughter, Emily, and her adorable boyfriend “Dill” have been going out for exactly one year.  She and I were talking, yesterday, about the landmark and I told her that one of the reasons they seldom ever argue is because of the way each one makes the other feel.  These kids laugh so much – and there’s great magic in laughter!   My hubby and I have had this special magic for over 25 years.

If I were to think of the things I’m most grateful for, one of them is the fact that our home is filled with laughter – and not all of it is directed at me and my antics, believe it or not!  Last night, when I told my daughters about my back, the youngest (Stephany) stared blankly at me (I thought, “Oh, a penny for your thoughts…“), the oldest (Emily) pulled up my pajama top, stopped the bleeding, and grabbed the triple antibiotic, while the middle daughter (Brittany) tried to make sense of my thinking.  Funny girl!

My husband?  He just went to bed muttering something or another.

Laughter is one of the most important things when it comes to relationships.  The other is asking yourself how you make the other person feel.  We need to worry about that MORE and how they make us feel LESS.

Have a great week with lots of laughs!

Facts Are Stubborn Things. Indeed.

by joi on March 9, 2009

in General

Lizard

Facts are stubborn things. – John Adams

A few nights ago at the movie theater, I was walking into a door when a young man, apparently, walked in front of me.  I say apparently because there was a great crowd and, pretty much, it was each person for himself or herself.  A man in a plaid coat  and I arrived at the door at the same time.I paused to let him go in front of me and he smiled and said, “Oh, no, after you.”  It was then that I noticed the very cute, clean cut teenager who’d gotten in front of me.  He paused to wait for the friendly gentleman – it was his dad.

The dad  quietly told him, “Son, you walked right in front of that lady.”  The son, said, “I’m sorry. I was looking down at my ticket and didn’t see her.”

If I hadn’t been in such a hurry to get where I was going, I might have passed out.  A  parent taking the time to teach their child manners was enough of a blow, but a teenager saying, “I’m sorry” when he hadn’t done anything worse than walking in front of someone was a real jaw dropper.

I’m a thinker, born to think.  So, naturally, I thought about this off and on throughout the night.

Parents today often stare at their children in disbelief.  Oh, the language they use.  The immodesty.  The decisions they make.  Who’s to blame for all of this?  Oh yeah, movies, television, other kids, teachers, the school system, music, and MTV.  Of course!

Except for the part, of course, where that’s utter hogwash.

As John Adams said when he decided to defend British soldiers after the Boston Massacre, “Facts are stubborn things.“  When we raise children, we’re basically training them in the  way they should live.  Naturally, they’ll pick up certain habits along the way that we had little, if anything, to do with. But their overall character and accountablitly?  Make no mistake, we had a shaping hand in that.

Which is why it’s refreshing to see a parent doing hands on training as this father was doing with his son. He didn’t yell at him, didn’t call him names or try to degrade him.  He simply, and quietly, made a strong case for manners.  Personally, I think that’s what good parenting should be – calm and controlled – between the parent and the child. There’s no need to raise the roof, no need to lash out.  If you need to scream to be heard, you’ve missed the boat somewhere along the way.  Don’t flail around, noisly, in the water.  Find the right boat!

All relationships – whether they’re between children and parents, siblings, or sweethearts – begin and end with respect for the other person.  You can’t expect anyone to respect you if you don’t respect them.

John Adams’ quote hits home on more fronts than just parenting, of course.  How about the following?

  • Facts are stubborn things:  When we eat fast food on a regular basis, we’re going to gain weight.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If  we refuse to eat the foods we know we should eat and turn to the unhealthy ones instead, we’re going to have blood pressure problems, heart problems, and a host of other nasty diseases.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we refuse to outsmart the pack of cigarettes in our pocket, we’re going to die sooner than we should.  And it won’t be pretty.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we don’t make our family our first priority, we won’t have the strong, happy family we all dream of.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  Karma is real.  Karma is accurate.  If you continually spew anger, impatience, intolerance, and/or sarcasm into the world (and all over everyone within your reach), don’t waste time watching for peace, happiness, and contentment to show up on your doorstep.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you want to be treated “like a lady,” you need to act like one.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you want respect, you have to earn it.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If you practice dishonesty or “flirt” with little white lies, get ready for people to doubt every word out of your mouth.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we want to improve in a given area, we have to devote at least 1 hour each day to the endeavor.  There are no magic wands.  I’ve looked.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  The Ten Commandments, the Bible, and Prayer should never have been taken out of school.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  If we want our minds to stay sharp, we have to challenge them.  If the only thing we read is the TV guide, our brains will pretty much waste away.
  • Facts are stubborn things:  You can’t make someone else WANT something.  You can’t impose your wishes or desires upon them.  Quite frankly, you just don’t have the right.

What are some of your own stubborn facts?  Leave them in the comments!

Who’s Under Your Skin?

by joi on March 6, 2009

in Relationships

Karate

All adverse and depressing influences can be overcome, not by fighting, by rising above them.
- Charles Caleb Colton

My mom worked in the school system practically the entire time I was in school. She sought and accepted the job because she wanted to have the same hours as me – weekends, holidays, and the summer off to spend with her angel (shhhh, I was).

One year, she had an assistant that was annoying to her and the other ladies in her office. The lady just didn’t fit in and was incredibly, incredibly rude. She was the very picture of obnoxious and mean. My mom would come home each day grumbling about what this woman had done that day – how many toes she’d stepped on, the women she’d made grind their teeth, the Christian lady she’d made cuss, the men she’d caused to swear off women, etc.

Mom, like me, was a gal of many words (except, of course when I come face to face with Jack Black, then I have no words – big duh on me), but my dad was a man of few words.  He sort of kept his words under his hat until they were absolutely needed.  When he did speak, he had a sense of humor that’d always light up the room and, very often, just the words that needed to be said.

Once, after my mom recapped this she devil’s antics, my dad put down his coke and said, “For Pete’s Sake. You shouldn’t let her get under your skin.“  ( I never met the guy, personally, but my dad was always worried about Pete’s sake.)  My mom shot him a look and, for a Kentucky minute, I worried about his safety. She kind of narrowed her eyes and, to my surprise said, “No.  I shouldn’t.“  It surprised my dad, too, I think, and he took a celebratory drink of Coke.

You know how it is – when you’re railing against someone, you don’t want anyone suggesting you shouldn’t be doing just that.

The next morning, as she was driving me to school, mom said (as though it were completely her idea), “I’m just not going to let ****** get under my skin anymore.  I don’t want her there!“  I mumbled something like “Good idea” in between bites of fresh, warm doughnut holes.

That was, honestly, the last time I saw my mother that upset about this woman.  She (the woman, not my mom) didn’t last much longer, maybe a month or two.  I always envisioned the other ladies running her out of Dodge.

I thought about this recently when one  of my daughter’s friends had a really bad run in with someone at his workplace.  It was, obviously, the other person’s fault – he was out of line, ill-tempered, and all around nasty.  My daughter’s friend had the choice to let it get under his skin, seek out revenge, and blow the thing sky high OR to rise above it, put it behind him and refuse to let the loser get under his skin.

He made the smart, albeit more difficult, decision, and kept his skin parasite free.

Refusing to allow someone to crawl under our skin isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’s absolutley necessary – for our own happiness and peace of mind.   Peace of mind is a beautiful thing and if we have someone we don’t respect (let alone like) riding shotgun through life with us, stowing away under our own skin for crying out loud, we aren’t going to find any true peace and happiness.  When someone at work bugs the heck out of you and you let them under your skin, don’t you pretty much assure their safe passage home with you?!  Bad, bad idea.

I’ve found, personally, that it helps to shake these people off  if you say out loud, “This person isn’t going to ruin my day (or mood, or week, or fun..).  I’m not giving them the power.”  Try it, you’ll soon find that fewer and fewer people and situations will take up residence under your skin.

That’s the best skin care advice you’ll get all year.  Just remember to apply daily.

I Love You Spammers and Drivers Who Lack the Will to Live

by joi on February 22, 2009

in Positive Thought, Spiritual

Love Is Your Secret WeaponIn the comments recently, Sahail left the following advice, “One interesting new habit I tried for a while (and may well try again soon) is to silently say ‘I love you’ to everyone you meet during the day.”

I love that!

Experience has taught me that this sort of mindset does you a world of good.  A few years back, I was driving along – actually going the speed limit (Good on me!) when a man… get this… in a church van pulled right in front of me to jet up an off ramp.  I actually had to throw my brakes on to keep from hitting the holy roller!

I’m not normally prone to road rage (I’m more of a cause than an effect), but at that moment I was furious.  I made a mental note of the name of the church and had every intention of calling to complain.  I honestly just felt so ridiculously mad I almost didn’t enjoy my authentic Mexican lunch.  Almost.

The next  day, I got out and was cut off again.  Similar steam crept up around my collar.  Then an idea struck me.  I prayed for the person to get where she was going safely.  The anger went away and was replaced by a genuine concern for a lady in such a hurry she nearly killed herself and me in the process.

I felt so much better that I’ve often used the same approach.   It’s virtually impossible to be filled with wrath when you’re praying for someone. Sure, the words may come through clinched teeth at first – but it works every time.

That’s why Sahail’s approach is so beautiful.  If you’re in the middle of acknowledging your love for another person, you take away their ability to lower you to anger, resentment, bitterness, or even plain old fashioned annoyance.  Right after reading Sahail’s words, I found myself in the process of deleting a ton of nasty spam from one of my blogs.

As my brain was beginning to focus on how vile spammers are, I remembered the advice.  I concentrated more on the fact that I love the people behind the world of spamming and regret that they feel so desperate.  Do I like them?  About as much as I like mouth ulcers, but I have nothing but love for them.

Life’s simply sweeter when it’s lived under an umbrella of love.  Thanks for the reminder, Sahail!

Have You Looked Into Your Relationship Mirror Lately?

by joi on February 16, 2009

in General

Here’s a riddle for you.  What is the thing that everyone wants but very few give?  The thing that people will stare you in the eye and loudly demand, as their very actions prove they aren’t worthy of it.  It’s something that just about every parent, boss, spouse, and teacher thinks comes automatically with the territory – irregardless of their actions.

Something most of us want everyone else to earn while it’s just given to us.

Respect.   Powerful word. Life-Changing word. Beautiful word. Sadly it’s usually an overlooked, ignored, and discarded word.  Respect is one of those things  that everyone wants, and demands, but refuses to give.

I just read a very interesting book, Battles between Somebodies and Nobodies: Combat Abuse of Rank at Work and at Home, by Julie Ann Wambach, Ph.D. does a beautiful job exploiting this very fact.

Robert W. Fuller coined the phrase rankism as a description for the misuse of power by those in power when they mistreat individuals who are less  forceful.   Julie Ann Wambach writes, “Rankism, the abuse of position within a hierarchy, is the core of all mistreatment, regardless of the context.  Rankism is an umbrella for every sort of abuse you can think of.  Huddled under the rankism umbrella are reasons one set of people discriminates against another group.  While some details of a specific abuse situation can be unique, the dynamics of all mistreatment, all discrimination, are remarkably similar.”

My take?  Some bullies never actually leave the playground.  Their “playground” simply transforms into an office, a living room, a kitchen, a board room, a classroom, etc.  What they got away with then, perhaps because they were bigger, louder, meaner – or all of the above – is what they’re trying to get away with now (perhaps because they’re still bigger, louder, and meaner).  Somehow they confuse fear with respect.  One isn’t the other and it never will be.

Early in the book, the author establishes the “pecking order” amongst birds, animals, and humans.  Each world has their Alphas and their Omegas.    Rankists are  those Alphas who wish to impose their will and selfish desires on the rest while refusing to take other’s feelings or needs into account.  Rankists are the most selfish creatures to ever live.

What they fail to realize, however, is that their self-centered, self-serving actions are ensuring that they never get the one thing they want most – respect.  Relationships are much like mirrors – the way you treat others will always stare you right in the face. If you treat others as though they’re beneath you, as though they’re jokes, thorns, or flesh and blood obstacles – you aren’t going to like the you that’s reflected.

Unless you have a thing for monsters.

Rankists somehow get caught up in it all.  They aren’t bad people – a point which the author drives home.  They’re simply caught up in a cycle that they often don’t realize.  Personally, I believe that most don’t even fully realize what they’ve become until one day when they go into the office’s break room and everyone quietly slips out.  Or they come in from work and the attitude of the house isn’t “Yay! She’s home from work! ,”  but rather, “Oh. Great. Fun’s over. She’s here.”

It just doesn’t have to be this way!

If you feel that you have evolved into a rankist or feel like you’re on a slippery slope headed in that direction – throw on your breaks!  You don’t want people running from you, which is exactly what they’ll do.

Become proactive: Begin treating people with the utmost respect.

  • Look them in the eye when speaking to them.
  • If someone speaks to you, speak back.  Don’t act as though they’re infringing on your time or space. You aren’t above them simply because you’re older, have more money, are better looking, have a higher IQ , can bench press more, are bigger… or any combination of the above!  None of that makes people love or respect you.
  • If someone makes a mistake, don’t shine your flashlight on it for the world to see.  Treat the moment as you’d want someone to treat one of your own mistakes.
  • Do completely selfless, kind, and random acts of kindness for others.  You’ll fall so in love with how it makes you feel that you’ll do these things without even thinking about them.
  • Don’t be a demanding, impatient person.  When a rankist comes across this way, people are less likely to give them their best.  In fact, right or wrong, they’ll stop trying.

What goes around, comes around – like a boomerang with 20/20 vision. If you have to chant affirmations to yourself daily, go for it!  (I am not better than anyone else.  No one is beneath me.  I have no right to make others feel small.) Do whatever it takes to right your ship before it takes you into a cold, dark, lonely bay.

I was thinking about this book and this post last night while lying in bed, awake at 2:30 am.  My husband of nearly 25 years is out of town on business for two nights.  Our cat  Alexa and I were lying there thinking how much we missed him and his silly sense of humor.  It occurred to me that, sadly, many spouses would be having the time of their life if their spouse was away for an evening or two!  If their husband or wife didn’t treat them with respect or tried to go all Alpha on them all the time – they’d probably beg them to go out of town more often.  I was thankful, though lonely, that this wasn’t the case.

Please, let everyone around you love and respect you. I don’t want you to end up in that bay.  I’m actually more worried about the rankists than I am the ones they abuse, and that may seem completely insane.  But I’ve seen enough families and enough situations to know how it ends.

I’ll finish with a bit of a personal story.  A distant relative of mine was a rankist and a bully.  Not all stepfather/stepmother situations play out negatively – in fact I’ve known familes where you’d never even guess that a step was involved.  However, in this particular situation, the man (the stepfather) capitalized the S, the T, the E, and the P.

He was somewhat subtle about it – but a bully nonetheless.  His approach for keeping the “step” family at arm’s length was to ignore them.  When the “nonstep” family came into his home, he’d jump up and run to greet them, smiling, joking, and genuinely glad to welcome the worthy.

When the step family came in, he never left his chair, never put his paper down or look up from the tv – that sort of thing.  Whenever any of them dared to speak to him, he would either grunt a response or fall dead silent.  It was his bullying way of saying, “You aren’t worthy of my time or my attention.”

This man is completely and entirely alone now and I’m probably sadder for him than I am those whom he treated like mud on the bottom of his shoe.   After all, when he thought he was wounding them so badly, they actually just laughed behind his back.  He was a grumpy joke and didn’t have anyone’s love or respect.  He continually disappointed the ones who did love him with his actions and caused more stress and unhappiness for his wife than any one person should be allowed to cause.  The stress on her took its toll in the worst possible way.

I’m certain that if he had the chance to do it all over, he’d welcome a large, happy family. He’d jump out of his chair for every single face that came through his door and probably even hug them.  What honestly brings a tear to my eye right now is the absolute joy that he would have brought to his little wife.  All she wanted was a large, happy family with peace and laughter.  And one man kept it from ever happening.

If you suspect that you are, in any way, standing in the way of someone else’s happiness or joy – please, please, please, step aside.  You’ll find a much better, happier world for yourself as well.

Relationships Without Regrets

by joi on January 5, 2009

in General, Relationships

It's Up To Me


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I’ve said it a million times before, but it bears repeating, so hold on for 1,000,001. You never, ever, ever know what the next moment is going to bring into your life. In fact, at any given time, your world could be changed forever.

When my husband ran for the Sunday papers yesterday morning, it was as routine as a teenager talking on the phone. What wasn’t routine was the fact that he was in a wreck on the way home.

Thank God, it was a wreck he walked away from. If he hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt, I’m certain I wouldn’t be writing these words right now. I’d be with him at the hospital or worse… a “worse” that my mind doesn’t want to visit.

It was just another example of how fast and how dramatically things can change. It’s also another example of why we should always keep our lives and relationships in order. We honestly never know if we’ll have tomorrow (or this afternoon, or this evening..) to tell our loved ones that we love them or to make sure our children know how proud we are of them.

I’m not saying that we should go around each day as though a tragedy could come swooping down on us at any time. That’s not living – I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it isn’t living.

What I’m saying this: There are exceptions, and I’m fully aware of the fact, but more times than not (when it comes to relationships as well as just about anything), we reap what we sow. If we have any relationships in our life that aren’t as close as we’d like them to be, we are at least partly to blame.

Some people get so busy with work, bills, ambition, etc. that they never switch off. They are, from the time they get up in the morning until the time they go to bed in the evening, in full out “Make more, Do more, Spend more, Have more!” mode. So much so that they forget to be a family member. They forget (neglect?) to just sit and watch a couple of Andy Griffith reruns with their spouse or a football game with their children. They stop taking the family out for supper – Heaven forbid anything pull them away from their business. Sit and listen to what’s going on in their daughters’ lives? Yeah, right!

You can almost see the “What’s in it for me?” in a bubble over their head.

We are becomming far too busy as a generation and the next one will pay for it. How’s that for not mincing words?

I don’t know how many times my husband and I drove by parks this summer that were practically empty. I always wondered, “Where are the families?” Then I’d picture where they probably were – all separately doing their own things, with the parents working like mad trying to make more money to buy the kids more things. Ironically, what the kids need more than anything is the parents – not what the parents can buy them.

As for daughters and sons, they aren’t going to get off so easily! How about the ones who want mom and dad to be there if they need money, a favor, advice, and so on, yet they don’t have the time of day for their parents otherwise? There are parents who, when they see that their son/daughter is calling them, wonder aloud what they need. It shouldn’t be that way, it shouldn’t be that way, it shouldn’t be that way.

Whether you’re a husband, a wife, a parent, a son, or a daughter – I’ve said all of that just to say this: Treat your relationships with your loved ones like the treasures they are. If your mistakes are in the past, give a little shout – that’s the best place for them!

If you know, in your heart or hearts, that you could have done things differently, could have been less critical, should have worked on your temper, should have “shown up more,” etc. – start TODAY, then keep it up. In no time at all the person you wish you’d been will be the person you are.

You never, ever, ever know what train’s going to ride into your life. Don’t let regrets be on board.

Family Heirlooms, Family Recipes, and Family Memories

by joi on December 26, 2008

in Relationships

I know I touched on this a few articles ago, but I wanted to reach back and touch it again.

I hope everyone is reconnecting with their family members during Christmas and New Year’s. I like to picture families, the world over, sitting around the table laughing and telling stories. I like to picture mothers lovingly encouraging their children (of all ages!) to eat their vegetables, fathers dishing out the advice father’s like to dish out, brothers and sisters reliving the things they put their parents through, and grandparents remembering Christmas magic from the past.

I love to cook – love, love, love it. So on holidays, my family always knows where to find me.. In the kitchen amongst pots, pans, flour, ham, corn, cakes, wooden spoons, etc. It’s always so cute – my cat Alexa is always nearby and there’s always a steady stream of traffic as different family members come through to sample both my conversation and food.

At one point, my oldest daughter Emily came through with her boyfriend (great, great kids). We talked about family recipes and food for about an hour. He’s part Italian, so he was telling me all about his mother’s lasagna. As I was putting together my Corn Pudding, part of me was SO wishing it were lasagna!

I showed him cookbooks I was compiling for each of my girls – filled with my favorite recipes, tips, advice, warnings, etc. Thanks to all of my own recipes, a huge cookbook collection and my food website and blog, my girls will never run out of recipes or cooking knowledge.

Unfortunately, there will be a lot of family favorites that I can’t pass along. My mom and sister in law each died completely unexpectedly and my only living grandmother now has dementia. Each of them had favorite recipes I would LOVE to have in my collection, but I never put them there. We tend to think our loved ones will be around forever, don’t we?

Here’s something I think would be a really great idea: Family’s should compile a Family Heirloom Cookbook and ask family members to contribute each of their favorite recipes. Thanks to the internet, recipes can be e-mailed back and forth and copies can be made, so each family member can have his or her own copy.

You have no idea how happy I’d be to have my mom’s meatloaf (she was queen of meatloaf!), my mother-in-law’s Dump Cake, my father-in-law’s delicious baked fish, my sister-in-law’s spaghetti sauce, and my grandmother’s…well, everything! That woman could have taken on Bobby Flay in her day. She’d have had him on his knees begging for mercy. And seconds!

I’m going hunting this week for recipes I can still get my oven mitt on. Before she got a Cracker Barrrel within 10 minutes of her home, my aunt cooked a lot. So, I’m going to hit her up for some. I’m also going to contact family members a little further away – in distance and on the family tree. I plan on contacting another sister-in-law and begging, blackmailing or whatever it takes for her chicken and dumplings recipe. The woman weighs, like, 30 pounds soaking wet but cooks like a 240 pound southern lady.

How perfect would such a collection be for Christmas gifts next year? With all of the amazing Scrapbook kits on the market, they could be decorated beautifully and cherished forever.

As far as that goes, another great Christmas gift for 2009 would be a Family Memories Scrapbook – with or without recipes.

When it comes to talking early about Christmas and Christmas gifts, that may have just been a personal best.

Once again, I hope you’re having a beautiful Christmas season. Make every moment count double.

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