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self growth

The Importance of Attitude, Soul Exercises, and a Final Thought Worth Writing Down – Twice

by joi on December 17, 2009

in Book Reviews, Books I Love, Positive Thought, Self Help, Spiritual

101 Exercises for the Soul by Dr. Bernie S. Siegel

A lot of things fascinate me. I guess I’m easily fascinated. And amused. I laugh often and easily, and sometimes at inappropriate times. I can’t help it, really, life and the livers of it simply amuse me.

One of the aspects of life that fascinates me the most is people’s attitudes. You can take two individuals – living under the same situations, same conditions, and sometimes even the same roof – and they’ll often have two completely different attitudes about life. One will think life is a wonderful long party – one that requires all the dancing, singing, and merriment that you can muster. They’ll see the hope in even the most dire circumstances, a rainbow at the end of every storm, and reason to smile when others think they’re whacko for doing so. The next person will think of life as a long work day – one that needs to be plowed through like Sherman plowed through the south. They’ll resent others who aren’t plowing along beside them and secretly wish the dancers would fall into a pit. A deep pit. (What these people don’t realize is that even if we did fall into such a pit, we’d just party on. Heck, it’d be a funner party than ever without the plowers!)

Attitudes. They determine so much, yet we tend to overlook and neglect them. Bad on us.

I just finished an outstanding book, 101 Exercises for the Soul: Simple Practices for a Healthy Body, Mind, and Spirit by Dr. Bernie S. Siegel.  In the book, Dr. Siegel offers 101 exercises that can, honestly, help transform your life.  He starts off with a bang in precisely the right place – with our attitude.

…if your attitude is negative and your mind is filled with worry and fear, it takes its toll on your body, mind, and spirit.  In fact, by spending all your time creating a vision of an unhappy future, you help create that future.  Remember, your thoughts guide your decisions, and negative thoughts lead to negative decisions.  Nothing is solved by visualizing the worst outcome, but much can be accomplished when you desire and intend to achieve the best possible result.  Optimists may not be more accurate about life – whether interpreting the past or predicting the future – but they live longer than pessimists.  pages 5-6, 101 Exercises for the Soul: Simple Practices for a Healthy Body, Mind, and Spirit by Dr. Bernie S. Siegel

I believe this is why it’s so important to believe in yourself, your dreams, and your prayers.  When you have the right attitude – a positive one – you’ll keep doing everything in your power to make your dreams come true.  You’ll keep praying, keep believing, and your soul will lie its head on a pillow of Faith and cover up with a blanket of Hope.

However, when your attitude is negative and pessimistic, you’ll all but give up.  No one ever wins ANYTHING by giving up.  Nowhere worth going – that’s where a negative attitude will take you, dump you, and leave you.

I highly recommend clicking the following link and reading more about this wonderful book:   101 Exercises for the Soul: Simple Practices for a Healthy Body, Mind, and Spirit by Dr. Bernie S. Siegel.

It’s a very, very special book.  Grab a copy, then sit down to transform your life.  Be sure to have a pen and paper handy for exercises.  You’ll really get in touch with yourself during these exercises. You’ll find wonderful qualities you’d forgotten you had!  You’ll also uncover a few rotten habits you’ve picked up along the way.  Don’t fret, though – Dr. Siegel will help you cast them aside!

I’ll end with possibly my favorite passage from the book – again about attitudes and the importance of wearing the right one.

Over God’s desk there is a plaque that reads, “If you go around saying I’ve got a miserable life I’ll show you what  miserable really is.  And if you go around saying I’ve got a wonderful life, I’ll show you what wonderful really is.” – Dr. Bernie S. Siegel – 101 Exercises for the Soul: Simple Practices for a Healthy Body, Mind, and Spirit

Behold: The Land of the Lost

by joi on December 17, 2009

in Articles, General, Self Help

Land of the Lost TV Show

I admit it: I’m a people watcher from way back. My mom said that, in the hospital nursery, all the other newborns were either sleeping or crying but I kept looking around. I kept an eye on the nurses, the parents, and the other babies. I guess I was just born to watch people with the utmost fascination.  Who needs to sleep, cry, or drink milk when they can try to get a handle on everyone else?

In a completely good-natured, innocent way, I sometimes “group” people into categories. There are the grumble guts (the ones with permanent scowls on their faces – I avoid them at all costs), the sweet seniors (love them), the jocks (you know, they’re the sort that wouldn’t just foul you on the b-ball court, they’d foul you hard), the sour seniors (grumble guts with years of practice under their belts), the Tree Huggers (they don’t just carry their own bags, they snarl at your plastic ones – they also seem to be waiting for the opportunity to lecture you on global warming, Polar Bears, seals, world hunger….) and many others – ranging from baby divas to the geek squad.  Of course there are some groups who are obvious: SuperMoms are the ones with 30 arms, the Cellphone Jokeys are the ones who are always riding a cellphone, Store Spinners (they take all day to shop and delight in each spin of the shopping cart) etc.   My daughters are baby divas (well-dressed, perfectly groomed, very young females) and my husband’s a geek-squad/jock/Cellphone Jockey.  Busy boy.  Me? I’m a SuperMom/Tree Hugger/Coffee Chugger/Store Spinner.  I’m also the driver you most want to avoid on the road.  One of those who never seems to know where she’s going until she’s about a mile past it.

Yesterday, I reported for jury duty and, lo and behold, I discovered a whole new breed of people:  The Land of the Lost.

I’ll get back to them in just a minute, but first a mini-rant.  Why do people panic over the mere proposition of jury duty?  It doesn’t last that long, it’s not that big of a deal, it isn’t hard, physical work, no one will pull a single tooth, and you sit more than you do anything else.  Yet people practically panic over the prospect.  I’ve heard of so many individuals who don’t even go – they act as though they never got the letter.  Why flirt with that kind of trouble?!  Even while there, people were trying to squirm out – even after the judge gave an excellent speech about civic duty and pointed out that he had served in Vietnam and suffered greatly all in the name of duty.

After hearing his speech, people still lined up trying to weasel out.

If you ever get a letter – just go. It’s not a big deal AT ALL.  It’s actuallyvery interesting.  You might discover a whole new breed of people, too.

Which, of course, brings us back to our beloved Land of the Lost.  There were over 100 of us there and this people watcher was in her element and on her game. So many people to observe and so little time.  There were lots of sweet seniors, a couple of  grumble guts and zero sour seniors (must’ve stayed home, miserable).  There was 1 cowboy, 5 Woodstock Holdouts, and several Honey-Dos, husbands who looked lost without their wives to show them where to sit.  There was a baby diva who was about 8 months pregnant – and she wore it beautifully.  She was brave enough to show.

There were enough Christmas Sweater Ladies to make a softball team, and they each smelled amazing.  Christmas Sweater Ladies are a tidy bunch and they have excellent perfume skills.

However…. a special group began to materialize in front of me.  It was as though I was a photographer for National Geographic – on assignment to photograph…oh, I dunno, let’s say polar bears… when a family of seals (a new species never seen, let alone photographed) comes flopping up.  Oh joy! How unexpected!

Hello, The Land of the Lost.

There were several individuals who seemed so completely out of their element that getting onto the elevator seemed taxing to them.  They seemed frightened of every person they passed, they acted as though they were being sent to the Middle East for a stretch of 5 years.  Following simple instructions seemed to be almost painful for them, poor dears.

It didn’t take long to figure them out.  The Land of the Lost doesn’t get out much.  Oh,  they know their way around a television set and can work a remote control like an airplane pilot works his controls.  They could tell you which show comes on which night, which channel it comes on, when the series finale will be, etc.  The high end Land of the Lost-ites can even tell you which series are on dvd.  They know what they’ll eat Friday night, they know where they’ll eat Sunday afternoon – after all, practice makes perfect and they don’t step outside of the lines very often.  They don’t know any good books, they don’t quite know what’s going on in the world, and life outside of their home is a little overwhelming.

Their lives have become so routine that when they have to step outside of the norm, they are utterly lost.  They’re the ones who don’t want to visit new cities, let alone other states (Heck fire, we’ve got all we need right here!).  New experiences?  Thanks, ma’am, but I like the ones I’ve been having for all these years. Time has cast them into a tiny little mold and they’ve hardened over the years.  When taken out of the mold for any length of time they seem to have one thing on their mind:  Getting back!

We can’t really be too hard on them.  It’s easy to get into a routine.  Why?  It’s comfortable and everyone loves being comfortable.  That’s probably why a lot of people have such an issue with serving on juries – it’s just a little too far out of the norm for them.  Yet, outside of the norm (outside of the mold) is where TRUE growth happens.  Each experience helps you to develop new layers and fill up fresh wells of life experiences to draw from.

The next time you’re faced with a situation that will be a stretch for you, welcome it! Don’t shy away from it or do back-bends trying to get out of it.  See it as an opportunity to keep you on your toes, an opportunity to keep your senses sharp, an opportunity to stretch yourself and an opportunity to meet new people and gain new experiences.

See it as a way to stay out of The Land of the Lost.

The Heartfire Project Journal Will Refamiliarize You with Someone You May Not Have Thought About Years

by joi on October 19, 2008

in Book Reviews, Books I Love, General, Self Help, Spiritual

Being a highly excitable person, many things excite me. For better or worse, I get as excited over a lot of things, much as a small child gets excited over Christmas morning. (Child, nothing – Christmas morning gets to all of us!)

One of the things that really gets me revved up is when ordinary individuals (you know, those of us who have to make our way and find our way because we haven’t inherited anyone else’s way!) take on projects with passion and purpose. It’s exciting when someone has a dream within them, then brings that dream to life with hard work, determination, and sheer, “I. Will. Find. A. Way.” willpower.

Makes me want to cheer for them. But when I do that sort of thing, my cats worry.

Two friends, with particularly lovely smiles – Molly Hart and Sonya Conrad – have started something they call the Heartfire Project. Click on the link I just tossed you to read about their project and mission. I could, of course, explain the project to you – but it seems only fair to let the ladies tell you, themselves. After all, it’s something they’re passionate about, so it’s only right that they get to introduce themselves….well, themselves.

I got my copy of their Heartfire Journal yesterday and have already filled out many of the pages. I did some of them this morning, when the house was all quiet and everyone was asleep except for me and one of my cats, Alexa. Click HERE to see sample pages from this journal. They’re downloadable, so you can get a “feel” for how special this journal is.

Ironically, one of my favorite “insighttivities” (they’re activities that bring about personal insight, so I’m going with calling them such) is the one titled “My Nine Lives.” As the authors point out, beautifully, on the following page, “You are all these people rolled into one. It may be hard to imagine you can be a farming-showgirl or mud-wrestling school teacher, yet we all have a collection of characters on our bus. Allowing them each a voice and then a place in your life creates a more complex, satisfied version of you.” I love that!

The characters on my bus sometimes seem so completely opposite that it amuses me. Sometimes I find myself engrossed in an NFL (or baseball, basketball..) game while making homemade bread, and talking about politics with my youngest daughter. I love the concept of fining all the many aspects of your personality and making them all sing together in harmony.

This journal is a lot of fun – but it’s fun with a purpose. As I was writing a few thoughts down this morning, something struck me. I was taken back to days in my room, as a pre-teen and teenager – writing in my diary. Although it seems as though it’s a lifetime later, the same girl that sprawled across her unmade bed with a siamese cat named Solo still lives within the one that was sprawled out on the home office floor with a cat named Alexa this morning.

Same type of thoughts, same type of Mary Poppins attitude, same smiley face doodles here and there. Actually, my smiley faces have evolved. They get noses, hair, and sometimes glasses now. But they’re still smiling.

I can’t really put it into words, but I got reacquainted with ME this morning. Not just the wife, mother, animal lover, blogger, cook, reader, food network junkie, coffee drinker, self help guru, movie addict…. I got in contact with HER again. Just Joi. The one who lived before everything else happened. Before losing her parents, before finding the love of her life, before having the three most beautiful daughters in the world, before speeding tickets, before budgeting (yuck), before life.

I found something out. I like her. And I like me.

You are, I’m sure the same way. You get so busy wearing so many different hats that you sometimes lose touch with the wearer of the hats. The real YOU is underneath it all – all the titles, all the deadlines, all the to do lists — all the hats.

I do all of my blogs with the same thing in mind – helping and touching as many people as I can. In that frame of thought, I would love to see you head over to Heartfelt Project and order a journal for yourself. It isn’t a purchase as much as it is a journey… Ordering it is simply the first step.

I hope you take it.

- Joi

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

by joi on August 26, 2008

in Books I Love, General, Helping Children, Relationships, Self Help

Polar Bear Family


Buy at AllPosters.com

We all need positive feedback!

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (the review will be up before the weekend).  It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to sort of soak everything in.  After this morning’s reading, I was a sponge – I guess it made me Sponge Blogger No Pants (I still had my gown on).    

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives.  Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband some pancakes, I was still thinking about what I read.  I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me.  My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on.  That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never did get into any trouble.  When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m pretty darn sure that’s not accurate.

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.”  They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As the pancake batter soaked up the buttermilk, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me.  I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago.  Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him!) had to move to another state when I was really young.  It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to.  He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not!

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have e-mail then!  When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby.  She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one.  When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write.  I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother.  Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them.  My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words”.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe they were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing every since.

When I handed my smiling husband his plate of pancakes, I was struck by yet another instance of positive feedback touching and shaping my life.  Early in my marriage, I fell in love with cooking.  I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes.  When he was in the Air Force, he’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper.  I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world.  The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very lucky that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often “give up” becaue they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever “good enough.”

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themself, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!
 

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I never catch any breaks
  • I don’t have enough money
  • Nobody loves me
  • I’m lonely
  • I can’t do anything
  • I’m so depressed
  • I am so sick and tired of…
  • My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves poison, and we should kick ourselves.  If we feed words like that to another human being, we should be stomped.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself.  The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse.  If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay.  If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow. 

Now let’s change the pronouns a little:  If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay.  If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow.  How far can you and I grow?  As far as we want to!

Sweeeeet.

 

What I’ve Learned From My Daughter Brittany

by joi on July 21, 2008

in General, Relationships, Self Help

From My Middle Daughter, Brittany, I’ve Learned That You Have to Be True to Yourself……

Originality Quote

My daughter Brittany has more artistic talent in her eyebrow than most people have in their whole body. She’s very bright, imaginative, and creative. This creative streak has always caused her to march to a different drummer – one often unheard by the rest of the world! Since I’ve always had my own personal band, I understand, perfectly, where she’s coming from. I may not always applaud her decisions, but I always applaud the bravado with which she makes them.

When she was 12, she up and decided that she’d no longer eat anything that “once had a face on it.” She made this declaration one night as I was fixing supper. As we talked about protein and its other sources, I made two pans of spaghetti sauce that – one with meat and one without. Deep down, I knew her mind was made up and that she would probably stick with this forever. She has.

This was right before Hollywood made vegetarianism a “cool” thing to do, long before it was so PC. She got a lot of ribbing from family members, and more than a few arguments. When we’d go out to eat and would have to take into consideration her eating restrictions, she’d feel uneasy (especially if it went against what one of her sisters wanted – she’d feel the glares along with the uneasiness), but she never caved in.

It wasn’t the popular thing to do, but it was her call to make. Well-meaning family members and acquaintances told us that, if they were me, they’d make her eat meat. Britt’s response, “I’m glad you’re not her!”

She also went through an unusual phase when she was around 15. She fell in love with wearing black and it became practically the only color she’d wear. It wasn’t any sort of a statement – the kid just preferred the way she looked in black. Drove her dad nuts! Here was this beautiful girl and all she’d wear were loose black t-shirts and black shorts or pants. During this time she also decided that THE way…the only way… to wear one’s hair was peeled back in a ponytail, without so much as a hair free. So her long, gorgeus, thick, naturally wavy dark hair was gelled and pulled daily.

Her grandmother would buy her colorful clothes, but they’d just hang in the closet, watching the black clothes have all the fun.

Thankfully, this passed about as quickly as it came. Since then, she has worn every color of the rainbow – often at the same time! Thankfully the hair is allowed more freedom as well.

From watching a very young girl have a strong enough willpower and a sense of herself to stand up and make what were unpopular choices, I learned that you don’t have to fit in or follow the crowd. Everyone doesn’t HAVE to like everything that you do. It takes courage to be true to be yourself and “find your own way.” It’d be much easier to just follow along the way someone else chooses for you – but, isn’t that “their way?” Finding “your own way” means finding it yourself.

Sure, you’ll make wrong turns along the way, but you’ll navigate through the detours and grow stronger as a result.

I’m what my mom always called a “people pleaser.” I honestly get ill if I think I’ve done something that someone else doesn’t like or approve of. I’ve been that way since I can remember. Brittany has taught me that you absolutely, positively cannot please everyone – not even those closest to you. You’re going to do things that make them think you’ve gone around the bend and you’re going to do things that cause others to whisper about you behind your back.

I’ve learned, from watching Brittany, that you can treat these whispers as your own personal background music – it harmonizes sweetly with the drum you’re marching to.

Originality is something to be worn with an exclamation, not an explanation.

This post is the second in a series of “What I’ve Learned…” posts.

What I’ve Learned From the People, Places, and Events in My Life

by joi on July 21, 2008

in Blogging, General, Relationships, Self Help

The Marking Lesson

Buy at AllPosters.com

I‘m nothing if not a learner. For all of my faults, and they’re a varied and entertaining lot, I can honestly say that, at least, I am always open to change and embrace learning like a 3 year old embraces a stuffed animal.   Something I’ve discovered is that the best lessons don’t come from books.  That statement probably seems astounding coming from someone who practically worships the shelf a book lies on.  Nonetheless, the best lessons come from life, itself. 

Lessons spring from the most unexpected places – I’ll give them that.  While they’re often found hovering around their favorite hangout: our mistakes,  they’ve also been known to show up in movies, television programs, the lives of other people, quiet moments on the beach, in songs, and in life-changing events.

I’m getting together a series of posts titled “What I’ve Learned…”  Thankfully, the learning process continues daily, but I wanted to spotlight some of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my life, to date. It’s my hope that if the lessons touched me, you’ll feel something from them as well. What can I say, I’m touchy-feely.

Each person and (often) event has provided, of course, multiple lessons, but to keep from being at my keyboard all summer, I’m only highlighting one lesson for each.

The order they’ll appear in is the result of a very scientific and complicated process. That or, I just wrote them down on little pieces of paper, turned them on their faces, and chose their order at random.

My middle daughter, Brittany, was the first name I drew – so she’ll be the first post. I can’t wait for you to meet her, she’s not just a character, she’s a character’s character.

********************
If you’re a blogger, this would actually serve as a great idea for future blog posts. You know those times when you just can’t think of anything to say? Let your life lessons do the talking for you. They always have something to say, anyway, don’t they?!

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