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self help blog

Protecting Children from Other Children

by joi on May 7, 2009

Young boy.

I was recently horrified by something I saw on television. It made my hands clammy, my stomach sick, and broke my heart into a billion pieces. I couldn’t sleep that night because my mind wouldn’t let go of the heart-breaking tragedy and senseless suffering. It wasn’t a horror movie, an episode of Fringe (love), or even a Swine Flu story. It was beyond anything these could ever dream up.

It was the story of a young boy who killed himself. Unless you’re familiar with the story, you may initially think the young boy was in his early twenties or a teenager. Would it stop you cold in your tracks to know he was a fifth grader? Hence the clammy hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m greatly disturbed by anyone committing suicide – after all, the next day or even the next hour could right the ship and turn their life entirely around. The next person they spoke to could have JUST the thing they need to hear. Suicide is one of the most senseless and heartbreaking things I can imagine. Murdering yourself? I can’t even imagine the sort of extreme pain and helplessness that goes on inside of someone’s mind right before they end their own life. But a child? What a complete and total tragedy.

In this case, this little boy was the victim of bullies at school. According to his mother, he had complained to the school authorities but they had failed to do anything. If that’s the case, it’s something they’ll live with forever.

However, can I say something without seeming like a total jerk? If my child were being bullied at school, I wouldn’t have left it to the school authorities. I would have gone to the parents of the bullies: Face to face. Never leave something entirely up to someone else, chances are they’ll fail you – don’t give them that chance.

In everyone’s defense, this is an entirely different generation that we’re dealing with here. Think back to an episode of Andy Griffith – the one where Opie is being bullied by a little chump who wants Opie’s lunch money. Andy decides to let Opie take care of it and, by the end of the show, Opie has a black eye – but he also has his lunch money.

I’m afraid that a lot of parents and school authorities seem to think they’re in Mayberry in the 1960s. Can you say, Far freaking from it?

The little boy who hung himself was being called ugly, gay and “the Virgin” (because he was from the Virgin Islands) at school. On his last day on earth, he didn’t want to go to school. I’m certain it was far too painful. When he came home from school, he went up to his room and hung himself with a belt in his closet. A fourth grader! A baby! And I’m getting sick again.

I wasn’t going to write about this simply because it’s such a painful and tragic subject. However, I can’t NOT write about it. Why? Because it’s such a painful and tragic subject – and one I hope to never see or read about ever again. I’m urging everyone to speak out against bullying, name calling, and intolerance. In our society, in our daily conversations, in our blogging, in our jokes, and so on.

How many times does the average person use derogatory, ugly names in regards to someone who looks different from them?
How many times does a child hear their parents criticize another person because they look different from how THEY think they should look?
How often does a son hear his dad make jokes about the sexual orientation of another person – treating them as though they aren’t even human?
How often does a daughter see hear mother use racial slurs?

Why can’t more people simply live their own life, enjoy themselves, have fun, try to help make the world a better, happier place and allow others to do the same? WHY bully? WHY make fun of people? WHY sneer at others? WHY tell jokes that aren’t even remotely funny? People who have ever taken part in this sort of thing – I wish they could have watched the news story with me, because afterward I would have loved to have asked them, “Are you still laughing?’

This little boy looked different from the other kids and they pounced on him like wolves on a rabbit. Like so many adults, they seemed to think they were the “norm,” that they were somehow superior – so they belittled, bullied, picked, and prodded an innocent child. To death.

If you have children, grandchildren, or younger brothers and sisters, keep the lines of communication open. Explain to them the dangers (and vileness) of bullying and calling other people names. For crying out loud, be certain that you don’t do it, yourself – not even jokingly. Trust me, it isn’t funny.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy such as this to educate people. Let’s make sure that that is exactly what happens. Personally, I think that most people (especially children) who bully are actually very unhappy. More times than not, they’re trying to fill a void in their own life. All the more reason to reach out to them.

Children should be taught that:

Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world a fascinating and interesting place to live. They are JUST as different and original as anyone else they see.
Racism and intolerance are ugly, far uglier than the worst monster they can imagine. Hatred makes the individual who owns it ugly. Point out to them that it’s the same as holding a red marker in your hand, without its lid. The ink comes out and stains your hand. If we hold hatred in our hearts and minds, ugliness and bitterness come out and stain all of us – not just our hands.
Illustrate your point with a box of crayons. Show the child how beautiful all of the different colors are. Ask him or her how interested they’d be in a box where each and every crayon was the same color?! Each pictured they colored would be entirely in that color alone. Boring.
They should know that they will be punished if you ever find out they have bullied or made fun of another person. Let the child know that you have ZERO tolerance for them being cruel to another person. Tell them that if this ever happens, they’ll find out exactly what grounded means!
Children should know that television is totally make believe. Reality television is kind of blurring the lines for children, I’m afraid. How could it not?! It blurs the lines for some adults. Always be extremely careful what young children watch on television and try to always watch their shows with them. Don’t hesitate to hit pause during a show or movie to explain a situation to them.

Adults should know that:

Children are watching you.
Children are listening to you.
Children look up to you and imitate you, whether you realize it or not.

Hug the children in your life, take them out for a sundae, and have a really long talk with them. Chocolate therapy and hugs can make a difference…. and believe me one needs to be made.

Even Small Changes Can Help You Cope with Stress

by joi on October 21, 2008

Stress As you probably know, I work from home. For over 12 years, my sole job was homeschooling and raising our three daughters. It didn’t pay, monetarily – it paid much better than that. The transition to working in a homebased web publishing and web design business proved a little tough at first. Truth be told, it can still be hard to discipline myself to sit at my desk and work when there are so many other cool things I could be doing!

However, I soon realized a corelation between how many hours I put in and how much money I have for “extras” in life. I do ever so love extras, so I’ve gotten pretty good at logging in the necessary hours. Plus, it helps that I absolutely love to write, research, and build blogs, websites, and even better – online relationships.

However, a few months ago, around 3′ish, I got up from my “work time” to head into the kitchen and begin supper. I didn’t feel satisfied like I usually did – you know, the feeling you get after putting in a good, honest day’s work. Actually, I felt overwhelmed and mentally fatigued. All I could think about was the correspondence I didn’t get done, the links I didn’t have time to add, blog plugins that were being hateful, etc.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a one day thing. I noticed that I started feeling this way just about every single day. Also, instead of being eager to turn the computer on, round up my coffee, information, books, and so forth – I started walking past the computer and kind of snarling at it. One day, it was acting up and I thought something was horribly wrong with it – the smile faded when it responded to a reboot.

I think it was evening the score for the snarls.

I knew that something wasn’t quite right because I normally race, coffee cup in hand, to get my day started. I answer my e-mail, update sites that need to be updated, write my reviews, compose my posts and articles, make graphics, install plugins, read and research, etc – all with a big smile on my face and a fat cat on my desk.

I had a heart to heart with myself – not out loud, of course, the kids worry when I do that. I came to suspect that I’d overextended myself. I sat down with my to do lists for the past week and realized that I was trying to do WAY too much. I looked at the front of my planner and saw that I, at that time, had a total of 16 blogs and 22 websites. All of that on top of being mom, wife, cook, homemaker, and someone who vaguely remembered how fun past times were.

The very next day, I started weeding through my websites and blogs. I asked myself, “Which of these would I be devastated if they were gone tomorrow?” I realized that there were quite a few that, when I got to them on the list, I would answer, “Eh” or “I’d never miss it.” So, when tomorrow came, they were indeed gone. I got rid of 5 blogs and even more websites. They had come to “cost” me more than they “rewarded” me.

Almost immediately, the old feelings of enthusiasm returned – before and after the work day. My computer and I became kindred spirits again. The feelings of being overwhelmed and stretched like a rubber band went away.

Sometimes making small, seemingly insignificant moves can alleviate stress in surprising ways.

If you’re feeling stressed in any way, take a good, close look at your life. What areas are causing you stress? Find ways to alleviate any stress you can – remember, every little move helps.

Is your workload too heavy? If it is, lightening it will actually work out better in the long run. Being able to give MORE of yourself to FEWER projects results in better projects and a better you.
Do you worry too much about others? Even if it’s your own children, try to make yourself realize that they will make mistakes, just as you have done. What’s more, they’ll survive and learn from them, just as you have.
Is your house causing you a never-ending battle? Recruit help from other family members – don’t nag, that never looks attractive – just point out that you’re so busy lately that you’d appreciate it greatly if they’d help you out some. Then, when they do, praise their socks off! If you want results, you’ll get more with honey than with horseradish.
Try to set aside a little time each evening to just enjoy life. Take a few hours and do something that others might call “wasting time.” I love to kick back and watch tv with my youngest daughter. It’s great to spend time with her and it’s a nice experience to just do nothing. If your first reaction is, “I can’t take 2 hours to just do nothing, I have to do this and I have to do that…” – then I have to tell you, you’re heading (and speeding to get there) for trouble. If you don’t have the signs of being stressed, overwhelmed, overworked, or tempermental yet – they’re just around the corner. Hopefully, you’ll change your course before that corner arrives.

It’s funny, isn’t it, that so many people think they can’t slow down. They seem to equate being busy as treading water and fear that if they slow down, they’ll go under.

In actuality, they’ll find that they have more time to swim.

Oddly enough, I think part of the problem lies within this quote about computers, “No matter how fast your computer system runs, you will eventually come to think of it as slow.” Our generation has become so accustomed to fast forward and has gotten so used to dancing to the “Git ‘r done” tune that many of us see slowing down as standing still. Needless to say, we need to adjust that thinking before it’s too late.

We’d hate to have that realization hit us one day with one arm in a blood pressure cup as the other gestures in a how-did-this-happen motion. It’d be even worse, in my opinion, to have it dawn on us one day when our child is reliving his or her childhood and we realize that we’d missed a big chunk of the scenery.

The time to slow down is today. Tomorrow will be brighter because of it.

One of the Most Disturbing Things I’ve Ever Read

by joi on October 20, 2008

Here‘s is a link to a story that just leaves me feeling depressed and, well, angry. On a hot day in 2007, a woman has to take her baby to the babysitter on the way to work – a task the father normally does, but because of another appointment, can’t do on this particular morning.

She goes by the store to pick up some snacks to take to work, then returns to the car. Instead of heading off to the babysitters, however, she drives right to the school in which she works (as a principal). The entire day (a day in which the temperatures reach 100 degrees) goes by and the woman never thinks once of her daughter in the backseat.

Needless to say, the baby went on to a far better place – with angels fighting over who got to hold her next.

According to the article, the woman was on Oprah recently. The show apparently dealt with finding ways to “slow down.” After all, that’s the only thing this woman did wrong, right? She was just too busy…

Actually, she wasn’t too busy for what mattered to her. She wasn’t too busy to get snacks for her co-workers and she wasn’t too busy to make it to work. Frankly, it serves as a reminder to me that just because some people CAN have children doesn’t mean they SHOULD. Sound harsh? Good, I’m pretty sure I meant for it to.

If someone isn’t capable of giving themselves fully to being a mother or father, they need to go to the pet store, not the maternity ward. Children deserve and require fulltime attention, love, devotion, and care. They aren’t something to be wedged in between money, careers, socializing, etc. If they aren’t going to be a priority, they shouldn’t even be discussed.

The title of the article even ticks me off: “An Overwhelmed Mom’s Deadly Mistake.” First of all, she has a career – most women do. She isn’t in some exclusive little club. She had one extra task that morning… taking her baby to the babysitter. That’s overwhelming??!!

A few things come to mind. First of all, the woman (I’ll give her this, she is speaking out.) may bring attention to other women and men who’s children aren’t at the top of their priority list. Hopefully, these people will recognize themselves in this story and be more aware of what (or who) is going on around them. The type of person who’d read this story and think, “Oh, yeah, I can see how that happened.” needs to read this story once a day for the rest of their lives.

Second of all, how amazing would it have been if the babysitter had called the mother or father and asked where they were – to make sure everything was okay? If I were a babysitter and one of my normal children didn’t show up, I’d be phoning someone making sure nothing had happened. What if the sitter had called the mom earlier in the morning, or the father? If she’d let the dad know, around 8:00 or, at least 9:00, that the little girl wasn’t there, he would have had time to find out why.

Again, this sounds rude – I admit it – but what about the father? If his wife was so entirely off the proverbial ball that she’d forget a baby in her backseat ALL DAY LONG, how could it never occur to him to call her and make sure she’d done what billions of other mothers manage to do?

I’m a firm believer that lessons can be pulled out of anything – even wreckage. This would be a great reminder to slow down and pay attention to the moment we’re living in. It’d also be a great reminder to anyone who has the supreme honor of being a mother or father. Nothing is more important than our daughter(s) and/or son(s). They’re blessings that we should never, ever take for granted.

It’s also a great reminder to care more about others – not a passive care, but an active care. If someone is late or doesn’t show (for whatever!), call them to check up on them. Better to appear overly concerned than not even remotely concerned.

8 hours. How do you not think about your child for 8 hours?

The Heartfire Project Journal Will Refamiliarize You with Someone You May Not Have Thought About Years

by joi on October 19, 2008

Being a highly excitable person, many things excite me. For better or worse, I get as excited over a lot of things, much as a small child gets excited over Christmas morning. (Child, nothing – Christmas morning gets to all of us!)

One of the things that really gets me revved up is when ordinary individuals (you know, those of us who have to make our way and find our way because we haven’t inherited anyone else’s way!) take on projects with passion and purpose. It’s exciting when someone has a dream within them, then brings that dream to life with hard work, determination, and sheer, “I. Will. Find. A. Way.” willpower.

Makes me want to cheer for them. But when I do that sort of thing, my cats worry.

Two friends, with particularly lovely smiles – Molly Hart and Sonya Conrad – have started something they call the Heartfire Project. Click on the link I just tossed you to read about their project and mission. I could, of course, explain the project to you – but it seems only fair to let the ladies tell you, themselves. After all, it’s something they’re passionate about, so it’s only right that they get to introduce themselves….well, themselves.

I got my copy of their Heartfire Journal yesterday and have already filled out many of the pages. I did some of them this morning, when the house was all quiet and everyone was asleep except for me and one of my cats, Alexa. Click HERE to see sample pages from this journal. They’re downloadable, so you can get a “feel” for how special this journal is.

Ironically, one of my favorite “insighttivities” (they’re activities that bring about personal insight, so I’m going with calling them such) is the one titled “My Nine Lives.” As the authors point out, beautifully, on the following page, “You are all these people rolled into one. It may be hard to imagine you can be a farming-showgirl or mud-wrestling school teacher, yet we all have a collection of characters on our bus. Allowing them each a voice and then a place in your life creates a more complex, satisfied version of you.” I love that!

The characters on my bus sometimes seem so completely opposite that it amuses me. Sometimes I find myself engrossed in an NFL (or baseball, basketball..) game while making homemade bread, and talking about politics with my youngest daughter. I love the concept of fining all the many aspects of your personality and making them all sing together in harmony.

This journal is a lot of fun – but it’s fun with a purpose. As I was writing a few thoughts down this morning, something struck me. I was taken back to days in my room, as a pre-teen and teenager – writing in my diary. Although it seems as though it’s a lifetime later, the same girl that sprawled across her unmade bed with a siamese cat named Solo still lives within the one that was sprawled out on the home office floor with a cat named Alexa this morning.

Same type of thoughts, same type of Mary Poppins attitude, same smiley face doodles here and there. Actually, my smiley faces have evolved. They get noses, hair, and sometimes glasses now. But they’re still smiling.

I can’t really put it into words, but I got reacquainted with ME this morning. Not just the wife, mother, animal lover, blogger, cook, reader, food network junkie, coffee drinker, self help guru, movie addict…. I got in contact with HER again. Just Joi. The one who lived before everything else happened. Before losing her parents, before finding the love of her life, before having the three most beautiful daughters in the world, before speeding tickets, before budgeting (yuck), before life.

I found something out. I like her. And I like me.

You are, I’m sure the same way. You get so busy wearing so many different hats that you sometimes lose touch with the wearer of the hats. The real YOU is underneath it all – all the titles, all the deadlines, all the to do lists — all the hats.

I do all of my blogs with the same thing in mind – helping and touching as many people as I can. In that frame of thought, I would love to see you head over to Heartfelt Project and order a journal for yourself. It isn’t a purchase as much as it is a journey… Ordering it is simply the first step.

I hope you take it.

- Joi

Self Help Articles and Posts Worth Taking a Look At

by joi on October 17, 2008

A Smorgasboard of Self Help Articles and Advice

I’ve collected a few more posts and articles from the top shelf for you. They cover a wide range of self help topics and issues – so you’re certain to get something from each.

8 Simple Ways to Save Money & Help Stop Poverty. When I came to the paragraph where the author mentions Starbucks, spending lots of money on books, and speeding – I took a good look at his picture. Next time he’s observing me in caffeinated fast-forward action, I’ll know it.

The Formula for Failure and Success by Jim Rohn. After reading every word of this great article, find “Community” in the nav bar at the top. Hover over the word until you see the drop-down menu. Now, click on “Blog.” This is one of the best blogs you never knew about. Great information and motivation. A few posts in and you’ll be ready to rule the world. (When you’ve arrived, remember my polar bears, okay?)

Advice for a Teenage Daughter – Things You Should Never Do. If you have a daughter, you’ll want to e-mail her the link to this post. It doesn’t matter if she’s 12 or 42 – it’s great advice.

Women and Stress – Stories of Success. This is a great read for anyone who wants advice for coping with stress.

Information about Flu Shots. After 3 weeks on the living room/bathroom/and kitchen floors last year – I’ve already gotten my flu shot this season.

Why Googling is Good for Grandma and Grandpa! Cool article. Makes a good case for teaching our older relatives a thing or two about the internet.

14 Surprising Signs You’ll Live Longer Than You Think. As an optimistic tea-lover who loves to walk, this article left me feeling pretty good. However, my weakness for diet soda just took another hit and I have even more reasons to cut out red meat. Read through the 14 “signs” and see what you need to do (or eat) more of and less of. Also, notice what it says about housework – you and I were just praising it in the last post, weren’t we? Aren’t we clever?

As a mental fitness guru, I also loved the following advice: “Set personal or career goals, and challenge yourself to meet them by a certain time. Also, try new things to stimulate your brain: If you always read fiction, pick up an autobiography instead. The next day, try to recall three facts you learned from the reading.”

Have a great Friday and hug everyone you love!
- Joi

Are The Moments of Your Day Empty or Full?

by joi on October 16, 2008

My youngest daughter, Stephany, and I have been talking a lot lately about eating healthier. We really worked ourselves up into a frenzy over it today and have vowed to watch what we eat more carefully. Both of us have been doing a great deal of research on what foods do for (or to) us.

We’ve been focusing a lot of our wrath toward “empty calories” lately – those foods and drinks that either provide us with NO nutrients or provide us with potentially harmful fats, sodium, etc. How much smarter would it be to replace these harmful (at worst) or empty (at best) foods and drinks with foods or drinks that earn their keep. For example, why not replace Diet Dr. Pepper (My. Biggest. Empty. Headed. Delight.) with antioxidant-rich unsweetened tea all the time? I love tea and am even one of the rare birds that adores green tea, so there’s no reason for me to keep on chugging the Dr.

Another trade-off that comes to mind is a delicious bowl of soup or salad in place of chips or fries.

I was thinking earlier about how this same premise can be used in our lives – away from the table. If we take a really close look at our daily lives, we’ll find “empty” activities, habits, and thoughts. Some are fairly harmless but pointless, while others are down-right harmful.

What if these “empty” activities, habits, and thoughts were replaced with “productive” activities, habits, and thoughts? Could we handle the life improvement that would come from all of that self-improvement? I’d sure like to try!

Below are a few ideas to get your own thought process buzzing:

Instead of listening to entertaining, but fairly pointless, morning talk shows on your way to work – why not make a habit of listening to quality podcasts (itunes has every category you can think of) or great books on CD? With the new knowledge you acquire, you might just start making more money and moving up that company ladder at a faster pace.
I love great tv shows as much as anyone (and Heaven help the person who gets between me and Fringe), but if we put as much effort into physical activity as we did into program activity, we’d never worry about our Levi’s being too tight ever again. Oh, come on, don’t call me names like that – I don’t like it anymore than you do.
What if, instead of gossiping or nitpicking, we put our God-given gift of speech to better use and had quality conversations with the people in our lives? What if we tried to accentuate the positive and build up others more? What if we made it our goal to help as many people as we could each day? I’ll tell you what if… It’ll all come back to you. Kharma, I’m a card-carrying member of her fan club.
If we get up from the internet after 2 hours, and we walk away without any benefit, didn’t we just throw 2 hours out the back door? 2 hours that won’t even try to come back?
We should even be more aware of what we think about. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “A man is what he thinks about all day long.”
If one has an incredibly unhealthy habit such as smoking, they need to move Heaven and earth and make it a thing of the past. I don’t want to be a cyber nag, but I want you to be healthy and to live a very long time. Trade that habit in for a healthy one – and the sooner the better. Come on, if I can step away from the diet soda, you can step away from the cigarettes. We’ll just be grouchy together for a few weeks.
If you regularly spend a couple of hours in the evening reading novels and newspapers, (or watching tv or surfing the web), cut into that time and use it to clean and organize your house. We feel better when things are tidy. As a bonus, housecleaning is an activity and insists on burning some of our calories for us!

These are just a few ideas, I know you can think of a lot more. Times are pretty tricky financially, and weight problems are as common as they are unhealthy. Is it any wonder more and more people are getting so frustrated and overwhelmed? One of the tricks, in my opinion, is to simply look at how you spend your time: Passive or Productive? Constructive or Destructive? Helpful or Hurtful? Empty or Full?

One more thought (keep in mind I’m a wife/mom above all else, so I’m biased!): Time spent with your family is never wasted.

Motivational Self Help Advice, Brought to You by Christian Slater

by joi on October 15, 2008

I was reading the Parade section of the Sunday Paper this morning (behind, much) and found an interview with Christian Slater especially interesting. For one thing, as the writer points out, Christian Slater does resemble Jack Nicholson. It’s a wonder they haven’t been cast in father/son roles by now. If a movie is ever made about Jack Nicholson, they won’t have to look far for the lead actor.

As a movie fanatic, it’s only natural that this little tidbit jumped out at me. But the part of the article where Christian Slater talks about the moment he realized he needed to turn his life around. You may remember that he was in trouble at one time for drinking, drugs, and even an arrest record. He has been sober for years now, but doesn’t expect or want to be congratulated for it. In his words, “It’s like expecting a reward for running out of a burning building.”

I doth love that attitude.

As a advocate of Self Help – emphasis on self, I also loved the following part of the interview. Christian’s words are in bold, the non-bold words are those of the author of the article, James Kaplan:

—————————-

…Cleaning up his act became a long, hard process.

“I sat down and asked myself, ‘What are the things that haunt me or make me feel insecure, and what can I do about them? Instead of spending the rest of my life going, ‘I am just the victim of this stuff,’ what can I do to tackle it and get over it?’”

So he made a to-do list. Or rather a to-change list.

—————————-

(Back to Joi. Sorry.) Wow! A list. Come on, you know me – I’m all about lists. By this point of the article, I was so turned on I couldn’t sit still. Within one article, I hadHollywood, the process of Self Help, AND the voyeuristically charged account of someone making a list. If the article had included the men drinking coffee (Slater drank water. Eh.) and plans for saving Polar Bears, my husband would have had to call in to work.

Seriously, this is absolute perfection. You have a young man who knows he needs to change his approach to life. So, where does he start. With himself. As Cicero said, “Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.” I love how Christian Slater worded it: “‘What are the things that haunt me…” “Haunting” is exactly what these demons are and we all have them in our lives – whether they’re insecurities, losses, childhood issues, resentments, mistakes, guilt… Sadly, the list goes on.

They find you, wherever you happen to be and interrupt whatever you happen to be doing. Like a ghost in a campy horror film – they seem intent on destroying your happiness and, ultimately, your world.

If you let them.

The best part of the article is when Christian Slater turns and faces the “ghosts” instead of running from them. They don’t like to be faced, you know. Confrontation’s not what they’re about – they just like to haunt. He turned his life around and now has a happier family life (with two beautiful children) and a brand new series called, “My Own Worst Enemy” on NBC. The promos look really good, I can’t wait to check it out. I hope he has enormous success, he’s fought hard for it.

To read the interview online, click HERE.

Relax Your Way to Better Health and Happiness

by joi on October 7, 2008

I don’t have to tell you the benefits of relaxation – you’re too smart and they’re too obvious. If you’re like most people, though, you do need a reminder every now and again.

I just read on Everyday Health that listening to Mozart and/or Relaxation CDs at least 3 times a week could lower your blood pressure.

“In a study of 41 seniors living in retirement communities, researchers found that regularly listening to relaxation tapes reduced average systolic (the top number) blood pressure readings by 9 mm/Hg, while those who regularly listened to Mozart saw a 7 mm/Hg reduction in their blood pressure.” – HealthDay News, Everyday Health.com

When my daughter Brittany was 4 years old she was sick – and when Brittany’s sick, she’s completely sick. My dad, the typical doting grandfather came to visit and kneeled lovingly beside her where she had bravely taken refuge – on the couch. He asked, “How do you feel, baby doll?,” and she said, “A little bit good but a whole, whole bunch bad.”

That’s how it feels when we’re stressed out and anxious: A little bit good but a whole, whole bunch bad.

Relaxation feels like a tonic to a stressed out system. Not only does it make us feel better, relaxation strengthens our immune system, increases creativity, and stimulates our healing abilities. Relationship-wise, a relaxed person is much more pleasant to be around than a stressed out bundle of nerves.

Relaxation CDs and Classical Music are a couple of sure bets when it comes to unwinding. Everyone has his or her own favorite ways to unwind, but music is a universal favorite. Another one of my favorite ways is to grab my nearest cat and (depending upon the one grabbed) take part in one of the following escapes: Lie in the floor playing with her cat toys (Alexa), Rub and talk to her (Prissy, who turned 20 this month and lost her sight this year), sit and hold him like a baby (Bo), or listen to him sing while scratching his head (Svenn, and he really does sing well).

A word of caution about listening to relaxation or classical music cds: Be sure that you’re in a position where sleep would be a welcomed result and not a hazardous one. I was listening to a Relaxation tape once that featured sounds of a thunderstorm. Zzzzzzz. Fortunately I was at my computer desk and not in my car.

Finally, as Everyday Health points out, listening to relaxation cds and classical music is in NO WAY a replacement for blood pressure medications. It’s simply another way to help lower blood pressure.
And another avenue to feeling a whole, whole bunch good.

Building Self Confidence By Tearing Down Fears and Doubts

by joi on October 6, 2008

One of my favorite authors of all-time is Grenville Kleiser. His books, published in the early 1900′s are filled with more wisdom than you’ll find in most modern books. His writing style is also one that I just genuinely enjoy.

He’ll be serving as a co-writer for a series of Self Confidence posts this week, through one of his greatest books, “How to Develop Self Confidence,” Copyright 1910. I think you’ll be amazed at how applicable Mr. Kleiser’s writings are to our present time.

In this world of self help and self improvement, we run across “buzz words” or “keywords” such as ability, action, passion, determination, and talent on a regular basis. But, the one thing they each rise on or collapse under is Self Confidence.

As defined by Dictionary.com, Self Confidence is 1. realistic confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, power, etc. 2. excessive or inflated confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, etc.

Self Confidence, to me, is what we think ourselves capable of. If I think that I could design and publish a blog about Coffee & Tea and, within a year, have it ranked amongst the top 10 food and drink blogs, my confidence is healthy or high. If someone suggested that I do such a thing and my first reaction was, “I can’t possibly do that, so I’m not even going to try,” my self confidence is sickly and low.

If that were my response, I would have two choices:

Drop the subject all together and never think about it again. I know I couldn’t do it, so why bother thinking about it.
Determine WHY I don’t have any more confidence in myself than that – poke around until I get to the root of the problem, then do what it takes to remedy the problem.

“The development of self-confidence begins properly with intelligent self-examination. The mind must be closely scrutinized, undesirable tendencies checked, faults eradicated, and correct habits of thought and conduct firmly established.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

Fear trips us up more than anything else when dealing with Self Confidence. We’re fearful that we’ll make a mistake, that we’ll make a fool of ourselves, that someone will laugh at us or (my greatest fear) that we’ll let someone down. We know, full well, that we can erase all chances of any of these happening simply by not attempting anything we fear is beyond us. We pull the covers up around our ears and find our comfort zone. The only thing about comfort zones is that, while they’re a comfortable spot, they encourage zero growth. Comfort zones are like overly indulgent parents – the end results are never pretty. They spoil what could have been.

Fear needs to be diagnosed and faced. More times than not, fear arises from what we allow to go on in our minds. You know those quiet little conversations we have with ourselves throughout the day? The ones where we think, “I’m fat (or scrawny),” “I wish I were smarter (younger, older),” “If only I had more money…” etc.

“The mind is permitted habitually to dwell upon thoughts of doubt, failure, and inefficiency. So great does this power become, when unchecked, that it affects to greater or less degree almost every aspect of one’s life.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

We can be so fearful sometimes, can’t we? A lot of times we’d be so much better off if we’d stop thinking so much and just TRY to do what needs to be done. We have to find a way to work with our fear rather than not working because of it.

We can actually use our fears as tools to help us. Going back to the example above, if I were timid about building a Tea & Coffee blog, I could very well write down my fears. They might read something like this:

There’s too much competition. I’d never be able to compete for top rankings in the search engines. There are far too many other caffeinated bloggers getting their groove on.
Just because I drink them every minute of the day doesn’t mean I can find enough things to write about coffee and tea.
Where would I find the time? I have 12 blogs as it is.
My husband would think I was nuts….

“To walk straight up to the thing feared will often strip it of its terror.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

When we write down our fears, we can then go back and stare them eye to I and manipulate them to work FOR us rather than AGAINST us. We can take our “objections,” and create “objectives.” For example, if I were worrying about time, I could write out a strict time schedule (you have no idea how that phrase just made me cringe – I’m not sure if it were the strict part or the schedule part, but I shivered). By writing the day’s available hours on paper, I can hold them accountable and find the extra time I need.

If we’re fearful of what others would think, we could always ask them. OR, we could realize that they’ll think what we cause them to think! If we prove ourselves, they’ll have no choice but to think positively. The world generally accepts us at our own value. That, of course, can be a big problem for someone who struggles with Self Confidence – others will have trouble developing confidence in a person who doesn’t even have confidence in his or herself.

“The other day I saw a dog leisurely pass a cat on the street, and to all appearance there was no ill feeling on either side. The cat looked him straight in the eye as he approached, and the dog returned her confident glance and quietly passed on. Then the cat, seeing a good chance for escape, bolted across the street, but the instant the dog saw her running he turned and followed in hot haste. It was cat and dog for some yards, when suddenly the cat stopped, humped her back and looked defiantly at her adversary. He stopped, caught his breath, blinked uncertainly, turned up his nose, and walked off. As long as the cat showed fear and ran, the dog chased her; but the moment she took her stand, he respected her. When a man stands up boldly and self-confidently for his rights, fear slinks tremblingly into the shadows.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

Self Confidence can be built and nurtured. We can work towards the level of self confidence evident in the cat at the top of this post. He has got it going on! If we work hard and believe in ourselves – the same can be said of us.

The Presidential Candidates’ Health Reform Proposals

by joi on October 4, 2008

I was reading box labels in the sinus/congestion section of a department store yesterday which happened to be right beside customers lined up at the pharmacy window. I overheard three older people talking about how much they “reckoned” their medicne was going to cost. And what a day of reckoning it was. Wow. Then they started talking about medical costs (I’ve seen cars cost less than one lady said she paid for a test).

They were cute but they were depressing me, so I just grabbed a box with a name I trusted. It promised to open up everything that was closed up, so I took my 5’2″ of congestion to the check-out.

Anyone with good health coverage should stop whatever they’re doing right now and thank God for it, from the bottom of their well-covered heart. Being sick but unable to afford a doctor is a complete nightmare. It’s a problem that much, much, much more time and money should be spent on addressing.

From Everyday Health.com:

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) would use tax credits to encourage consumers to buy coverage in the individual insurance market, including removing barriers to purchasing insurance in other states. This might eventually lead to erosions in consumer protections, said Sara Collins, an assistant vice president for The Commonwealth Fund’s Program on the Future of Health Insurance.

Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.), on the other hand, would require all employers except those running small businesses to either provide coverage or contribute to the cost. His plan would also expand eligibility for Medicaid/SCHIP (State Children’s Health Insurance Program).

Obama has stated that universal coverage is an eventual goal. McCain has not made this statement, instead preferring to focus on expanded access to insurance.

McCain’s plan would reduce the number of uninsured Americans by 1.3 million over the coming decade at a total cost of $1.3 billion. Obama’s plan would reduce the ranks of the uninsured by 34 million at a cost of $1.63 billion. During the first year of implementation, McCain’s proposed plan would dent the federal budget to the tune of $185 billion, while Obama’s plan would require $86 billion.

To read the report entirely, see Report Compares Health-Care Platforms of Presidential Candidates.

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