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You are here: Home / 2009 / Archives for May 2009

Archives for May 2009

Thoughts And Advice About Personalities and Shyness

May 31, 2009 by Joi 8 Comments

I Am

Through the Self Help Article Request Form, (as well as through e-mail) I’ve gotten quite a few requests for information and advice about Personalities, Personality Disorders, and Overcoming Shyness.  As a matter of fact, these subjects have greatly taken over the ones that had been leading the way:  Depression, Anxiety, and The Blues.

Personally, I think that backs up my previous theory that a lot of those were results of pure old fashioned winter doldrums.  Hopefully, anyway, many people are feeling happier and have put the words depression, blues, and sadness out of their reach.

I also think that the recent requests for articles, advice, and tips about things such as personality, boldness, and overcoming shyness are great indications that people are coming out of their winter hibernation and are ready to improve themselves and, in turn, their lives.  That’s exciting!

A Word or Two About Personality Disorders

I think the word disorder is nearly as overused as depression.  People are selling themselves short and it hurts me to see anyone do that.    There are, of course,  clinical conditions that fall under the category Personality Disorders.  However, none of the conditions that have been shared with me fall into these categories.  They’re simply personality or temperament characteristics that people wish were different.

The great news about that is this:  If we have a bodily feature that we don’t even come close to appreciating – such as  abs that are as undefined as a killer vocabulary word – what do we do?  We work on it until it matches our preconceived notion of how it should look.

The same holds true for those aspects of our personality or temperament that we don’t like.  We should simply address these particular “shortcomings” and take steps to improve them.

Overcoming Shyness

Being shy or awkward in social settings do not mean you have a disorder.  It simply means you are shy and/or awkward in social settings!  The first thing I would ask is that you not think of yourself as less capable or as handicapped in any manner.  The fact that you realize you have an area in your life that could use a little attention puts you in the top 20 percent of the human race.  The fact that you are seeking out information and an active course of making this improvement catapults you into the top 5 percent.  You go, you!

Most people simply don’t see the areas where they could improve, and the ones who DO see the areas seldom do anything except make excuses and gloss over them.

Kudos to you for being special, and I truly mean that.

More times than not, shyness is a condition that’s brought about when the individual lacks confidence. They may feel as though something isn’t quite “good enough” about them.  This feeling causes the person to feel awkward, ill at ease, out of place, and apprehensive.   When they find themselves in certain situations, they can often feel so completely overwhelmed and intimidated that they break out in a cold sweat.  They look for the nearest exit and don’t feel completely “safe” until they’re far removed from the stressful situation.

I’m not just describing something I’ve read about or something someone else has described to me.  I lived with shyness for a great part of my childhood.  My shyness actually stemmed from being an only child.  I was with adult family members and only adult family members for the majority of my life.  When I began school, I was completely unsure of how to handle other kids my age.   I found that the safest place to be was inside of my own head.  All by myself.  And I seldom ventured out.

I was afraid that if I spoke, I’d say the wrong thing.  If I did anything, I’d fall on my face.

When I got a little older, my mother suggested (okay, she insisted… to the tune of “You will do this.”) that I take drama class AND debate class at school.  In the same year.  I thought she’d either lost her mind or wanted me to have a total breakdown.

A ham was born. In drama class, I actually came to crave the spotlight.  I found Joi and seemed to think she needed to be center stage!   With debate class,  I found that I didn’t have to always be right – that sometimes being wrong was a heckuva lot more interesting.  And fun.

A mini Erica Kane was born that year and she has lived inside me ever since.

I’m living proof that you can grow out of the uncomfortable shell of shyness.  But you have to want it badly enough to go through the growing pains.   You have to be willing to put up with a little discomfort – to step out of your comfort zone.  You have to MAKE yourself reach higher and go farther – You’ll never get anywhere if you keep marching in place.

Tips to Overcoming Shyness:

  1. Talk to three new people each day. Initiate the conversation and look them directly in the eyes while you’re talking and while they’re talking to you.  It isn’t comfortable at first, but you’ll feel like Goliath afterward.
  2. Never back out of social situations. Not going to a particular party or gathering is the easy path and growth never occurs on easy paths.  Never. Put on your best outfit, do your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and off you go.  Make yourself go through with it, 99 times out of 100 you’ll have a great time and make others have more fun as well.
  3. Be prepared. Whether you’re going to lunch with someone or to a social event with a group of people, be prepared. Have a good handle on the subjects that are likely to come up.  Brush up on things that are going on in the world. Knowing, ahead of time, what you’ll talk about will take away a lot of the awkwardness that comes with being shy and will give you an upper hand.
  4. Remember to breathe! When we’re nervous or anxious, we tend to take shallow little breaths.  This actually compounds the problem and makes us feel even more anxious and ill at ease.  It also does remarkably creepy things to our voice.  Take deep breaths – it’ll help to calm you down and keep you from sounding as though you’re auditioning for the role of Alvin, Theodore, and Simon’s long lost cousin.

Addressing Aspects of Your Personality That You Would Like to Change:

Below are a few things I want you to write down in your mental notebook:

  1. There are as many types of personalities as there are types of plants. Some may seem prettier to you, some may seem less attractive.  Some may seem fancy, some may seem common.  Some require very little attention and some are quite demanding.  Just because a fern doesn’t look like an azalea bush doesn’t mean the fern has a disorder.  It also doesn’t mean the azalea bush has a better life or is any more worthy.  If all plants were the same, what boring yards we’d have – and if all personalities were the same, life wouldn’t be nearly as fun or colorful.
  2. Some people simply live louder than others. When any one of my family members enters a room, I know who it is simply by the sound (or lack thereof).  A few glide past, as though any noise would “give them away,” while a few have never entered a room without announcing their arrival in some manner.   My world is instantly a little sweeter when any of them happen along, whether they arrive with a whisper or a shout.  If shyness is something you live with, consider your personality “soft-spoken.”  Not everyone can be, or should be, bold or “out-spoken.”   Can you imagine a world filled with Bobby Knights and Charles Barkleys?!  Tylenol sales would go through the roof.
  3. Feeling awkward and unsure of yourself is something you can actively work on. The first step is to identify WHY you lack self confidence.  Is there something in particular that you aren’t comfortable with?  More likely than not it’s something no one else thinks twice about.  I knew a girl once who spoke very, very little.  I actually knew her for a whole year before I even found out she was from Europe and had a beautiful accent.  Apparently she was uncomfortable with her accent and chose to deal with it by becoming very shy and quiet.  One day I told her that I loved her accent and could listen to her talk all day.  You could see the cloak of quietness and shyness fall off of her, and she never put it back on.
  4. Sometimes shyness is simply a layer of protection. For me, I was used to spending so much time alone (as an only child with two parents who worked) that I was kind of afraid of NOT being alone.  I found my safe house, and it was deep inside myself.  When I’m going through extra tough times (such as the loss of a loved one, a pet, a move, etc.), I still tend to retreat into myself.  Over the years I’ve learned something – there’s nothing really wrong with that.  We all have different ways of coping and, in the end, only we can say what works best for us.
  5. Fake it until you make it. If you wish you had certain traits, such as boldness, calmness, an easy going nature, etc. – act as though you possess them, and they’ll rub off on you.  I promise!

You are an original and there’s nothing wrong with being different.    Avoid any and all individuals and any and all thoughts that suggest otherwise.

Book Recommendations:

Road Rules: Be the Truck. Not the Squirrel. Learn the 12 Essential Rules for Navigating the Road of Life – First and foremost, this is the book I’d recommend for the individual who is looking to improve their life in any manner.  The author, Andrew J. Sherman, provides a wealth of insight and advice for getting the most out of yourself.

Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life – If you are so shy that it’s interfering with your life, it’s time to look your shyness dead in the eye and overcome it. Break out of its hold and live your life on your own terms! This book, by Barbara and Gregory Markway will help you along the way by making the seemingly impossible suddenly possible.

10 Simple Solutions to Shyness: How to Overcome Shyness, Social Anxiety & Fear of Public Speaking This easy to read book is also a fun to read book. It’ll really make the light bulb come on over your head and help break you out of your shell.

Overcome Your Shyness Subliminal CD Many have not only been helped by subliminal cds such as this one – they swear by them and defy you to deny the difference they’ve seen in their life.

Did You Know?
Lucille Ball, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Brad Pitt, Carrie Underwood, Elvis Presley, Ulysses S. Grant, Thomas Edison, Tom Hanks, Cher, Courteney Cox Arquette, Bob Dylan, Julia Roberts, Jim Carey, Don Rickles, David Letterman, Joan Rivers, Ingrid Bergman, and Eleanor Roosevelt each had to overcome shyness.

Each found their inner magic and brought it to the surface for the world to enjoy.  You can find your own magic… the world is waiting!

Filed Under: General, Must Reads, Self Help Tagged With: overcoming shyness, personalities

How to Be Happy When You’re Not Even Sure You Want to Be

May 31, 2009 by Joi 4 Comments

I want to apologize for falling off the face of the world – well, the online world, anyway.  I’m glad to say I haven’t fallen off of the offline world.  With coffee in one hand and a chocolate doughnut in the other, I’m still here.

Like all humans, however, life sometimes gives me more than my little brain can handle and I lay low until I feel like myself again.  With enough chocolate therapy, I always pull through.

The recent smack my life took on the backside registered high marks on my radar.  Depending upon your own love of animals and/or your pets, you’ll either understand where I’m coming from or think, “Whatever, animal obsessed blogger, whatever.”

At the start of the year, I had 4 much, much, much beloved cats – two girls and two boys.  In an arrangement determined by their temperaments, birth order, and hormones, the girls were inside cats and the boys were outside cats.  We lost one of the girls, Prissy,  toward the first of the year.  Can you say major loss – we’d had that little beauty for over 20 years.

Now, mere months later, we’ve lost both of our boy cats.  Like I said, if you have pets or love animals madly, you know the sense of loss and sadness that comes with this sickening territory.  I’d go on and on about how fantastically sweet and funny these two cats were, but I’d cry my face off and there isn’t enough chocolate in the house for that.

Suffice to say, Bo (pictured above, playing in bales of hay) and Svenn (picutred to the right, singing – he was a nut job) were HUGE momma’s boys and and two of the sweetest animals I’ve ever had the pleasure Svenn Singingof loving.  There will never be cats like these two.  I counted up, last night, the number of cats I’ve had in my life.   My first one was a cross-eyed male Siamese named Solo.  I’ve also had a girl cat named Garfield, a gay cat named Lanie (he was so gorgeous you wouldn’t believe it – and, yeah, he liked guys), a white hunter named Whiskers and her hundreds of babies, two more Siamese cats, Miss Prissy, Conan (named after a barbarian, yet as gentle as a rabbit), a gray cat named Fluffy who clicked after each meow, a black beauty named Renee Elise who loved to hug, a she devil named Carly who I loved with all my heart, and on and on.   Partly because of Whiskers and the fact that we’ve almost always lived in the country, the number is close to 50, and I can say – without a doubt – that Bo and Svenn were two of the biggest characters of all.

The yard just isn’t the same without them and I’m not sure what to do with the lap Bo always found or the feet Svenn always laid on.  He didn’t care for laps, but give him a warm pair of houseshoes, and he’d purr himself to sleep.

I’ve always had an inner Mary Poppins.  In fact, she’s easily the largest and most powerful of my inner beings.  She did take a few weeks off, however.  She didn’t even call in sick – she was a no call/no show.   She finally came dragging back in yesterday.   I was on a trip to Kentucky Lake with my husband and I found myself laughing out loud at something he’d said to a woman driving another car.

I’ve laughed at things that come out of that boy’s mouth for over half of my life, so it’s only reasonable that this particular character (and is he ever a character) would be the one to remind me of the sweetness of laughter.   If you are currently facing a situation  that has stolen your smile and your laughter, my heart goes out to you.

I’ve learned (through the school of life) that there are a few things to keep in mind during trying and unhappy times:

  1. It  doesn’t always help to look for answers. One of my first thoughts was, “Why would I lose 3 of my beautiful cats within a period of 5 months?”  Then the question became, “How in the world is this even remotely fair?”  Finally, I realized there are no answers.  Even if there WERE answers, they wouldn’t change anything!
  2. There isn’t always and Up Side. I guess it’s human nature to look for things  that make pain more bearable.  If you can find one, cling to it!  But don’t be surprised if there isn’t one, sometimes things are just as rotten as they can possibly be and our only course is to put our head down and charge through the storm.
  3. Life. Isn’t. Fair. You know it, I know it, all reasonable people know it – yet, when the uglies show up on our doorstep, we still try to shoo them off with, “I don’t deserve this!  Not fair!”  Needless to say, our theatrics don’t do a bit of good.  It’s like the baseball manager who argues with the home plate umpire. He kicks dirt, gets in the umpire’s face, gestures wildly with his hands and… and… and… And the call remains.    The umpire doesn’t change his call and the uglies don’t change their mind.   I guess we’d all be better off if we saved our energy.
  4. Better days and laughter are ahead. Even when we feel so low that we don’t even WANT to laugh, even if we remembered HOW – we can rest assured of one thing, we will feel better and we will be happy again.  It won’t happen overnight, and even after that first laugh, there will be tears before the next one – but life will be beautiful again one day.  We’ll get to the point where we’ll get out of bed each morning because we want to rather than just because we have to. We’ll want to talk to our loved ones and look them in the eye, rather than wishing they’d just talk amongst themselves and leave us to our heartache.

Tears are as much a part of life as laughter, and losses are a cruel fact of life.  Fortunately, I’ve noticed something remarkable about life. Many times, in an area where we’ve cried, something new begins to grow.

A new tiny female cat has found her way into our yard and into our life. She has never had any human contact, apparently, so she’s very timid.  I’ve named her Ming Li and she’s apparently a new mother.  If life runs a fair tears to growth ratio, this little mommy must have quite a few babies.

Looks like our yard will be filled with smiles again.

And live goes on, as it always does.  I’m working on several articles that I’ll post over the next few days and we have quite a bit gearing up for this month.  I guess that means I’d better get busy, right?  Now where’s that chocolate bar?

Filed Under: General Tagged With: happiness, laughter

Up For a Huge Dose of Inspiration?

May 21, 2009 by Joi 1 Comment

Click the following  link for a beautiful story about a beautiful person.   I promise you, you’ll want to see all of this one.    Walk On!

Filed Under: Positive Thought

Amazingly Relevant Self Improvement Article From 1956

May 20, 2009 by Joi 6 Comments

Old Country Store

The following wonderful article is from A New Treasury of Words to Live By, 1956.   The article is titled Make a Weakness Pay Off and was written by playwright and motion picture executive Dore Schary.

Make a Weakness Pay Off
by Dore Schary

“If you have a weakness, make it work for you.” – Dore Schary’s Mother

My mother was a hard-working and very wise woman.  Many years ago she observed to me, ‘If you have a weakness, make it work for you as a strength – and if you have a strength, don’t abuse it into a weakness.”

Through the years, and in the different jobs I have held, I have seen constant demonstrations of the truth of my mother’s observations.

A person who chooses to call himself frank and candid can very easily find himself becoming tactless and cruel.  A person who prides himself on being tactful can find eventually that he has become evasive and deceitful.

A person with firm convictions can become pigheaded.  A person who is inclined to be temperate and judicious can sometimes turn into a man with weak convictions and banked fires of resolution.

Good habits of health too rigidly followed can make you a hypochondriac.

Hard work, unless balanced by relaxation and mind and body, may eventually destroy you.

Loyalty can lead to fanaticism. Caution can become timidity.  Freedom can become license.  Confidence can become arrogance.  Humility can become servility.

All these are ways in which strength can become weakness.  But the reverse is true too.

Destructiveness based on a desire to know what makes something tick can often be channeled into constructiveness directed at making it tick better.

Gullibility can be turned into understanding and compassion.

Relentlessness can be turned into versatility.

Laziness can be turned into contemplation and study.

Extravagance can be turned into generosity.

I think of this often and, while I lead quite a regulated life, I very often deliberately break habits -change patterns – merely to avoid the danger of extremes and open up new avenues of inner growth.

Look at that first line again:  “If you have a weakness, make it work for you as a strength – and if you have a strength, don’t abuse it into a weakness.”  Study it, apply it, and I think you will find comfort, strength, and truth in it.

*****************************************

I’m sure you can see why I was so anxious for you to read these words.  Aren’t they brilliant?  “ I very often deliberately break habits -change patterns – merely to avoid the danger of extremes and open up new avenues of inner growth.”

Great stuff! ~ Joi

Filed Under: Articles by Various Authors, Must Reads, Self Help Tagged With: self improvement

10 Habits Men Need to Develop and Maintain for a Healthy Heart

May 18, 2009 by Joi 9 Comments

Glass of Iced Tea

From Men’s Health

Attention, men. Below are ten habits that Men’s Health says will strengthen your heart.  Try to adopt at least 3 right away, then see how many others you can work into your life.

  1. Drink Five 8 oz. Glasses of Water a Day. Men who do are 54 percent less likely to have a fatal heart attack than those who drink two or fewer.   Experts say the water dilutes the blood, making it less likely to clot.
  2. Convince Your Partner to Stop Smoking. Breathing secondhand smoke boosts bad cholesterol levels, decreases good cholesterol, and increases your blood’s tendency to clot.
  3. Work Out for 30 Minutes, Four Times a Week. Middle-aged men who get this much physical activity have a 60 percent less risk of heart attack than inactive men.
  4. Lose 10 to 20 Pounds. If you’re overweight, dropping 10 to 20 pounds lowers your risk of dying from a heart attack. Overweight people have heart attacks 8.2 years earlier than normal-weight victims.
  5. Drink more Tea. A recent study found that people who drink three cups of tea a day have half the risk of heart attack of those who don’t drink tea at all. Potent antioxidants, called flavonoids, provide a protective effect.  Learn more health benefits of tea.
  6. Eat Salmon on Saturday, Tuna on Tuesday. What a brilliant plan.  Salmon Saturday and Tuna Tuesday. Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health say that eating fish at least twice a week lowers heart-disease risk by more than 30 percent. The magic ingredient?  Omega-3 fatty acids.
  7. Ask Your Doctor About Vitamin E and Aspirin. Men who take both cut the plaque in clogged arteries by more than 80 percent.
  8. Eat a Cup of Total Corn Flakes for Breakfast. This cereal contains one of the highest concentrations of folate  of any cereal. Daily folic acid  cuts your risk of cardiovascular disease by 13 percent.
  9. Count to 10. Creating a 10-second buffer before reacting to a stressful situation may be enough to cool you down, meaning no reaction will be necessary. Men who respond with anger are three times more likely to have heart disease and five times more likely to have a heart attack before turning 55. Guys, go back and re-read this one, okay?
  10. Eat Watermelon. Did you know that watermelon contains about 40 percent more lycopene than is found in raw tomatoes?  Plus, a new study shows that your body absorbs it at higher levels due to the melon’s high water content. Half a wedge can boost heart-disease prevention by 30 percent.

Filed Under: Fitness, Health Tagged With: heart disease, heart health, men's health

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