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You are here: Home / 2010 / Archives for March 2010

Archives for March 2010

To Err is Human, To Blame Others is Childish

March 31, 2010 by Joi 13 Comments

Quote About Blaming Others
blame shifting – n. a process in business and government wherein the blame for something bad is shifted from person to person.

Ever seen a movie or television show with shapeshifters?   I’m beyond fascinated with them.  My husband and I watched a television show for a few years (before FOX pulled the plug) that heavily featured shapeshifters.  One was a lovely red-haired lady who could shift into anything at will.  I’m not sure why, but it blew my little mind every single time.

Blame shifters are kind of like shapeshifters.  But nowhere near as entertaining.   A blame shifter will, the instant something goes wrong, try to shift the entire situation around and put someone else in the hot seat. I don’t get that.  Why go through all the trouble and drama?  Just say, “I blew it.”  So much easier.  Sadly, as with many things in life, few people take the easy route.

And it’s been that way since the beginning of time.

The world’s first blame shifters were Adam and Eve.  The first two humans ever created became the first two humans ever to shift blame rather than accepting blame. How appropriate is that?

After Eve just had to havethe forbidden fruit, God knew that she and Adam had done a bad, bad thing. (Come on, really, how are you going to keep something from God?!  Hope that He’s looking the other way and not listening?)

God: You took fruit from the one tree in the world you weren’t supposed to touch.
Eve: The snake made me do it.
Adam: The woman made me do it.  What’s more, er… well, Sir, you gave her to me.

We owe a huge debt to God that He didn’t just wipe humans off the face of the earth at that point and just go with animals and plants.  He could have put out a giant recall notice:  Faulty reasoning!

How cool would Eve had been if she’d just said, “I became obsessed with the thought of that tree and its fruit.  I couldn’t get my mind off of it.  I put myself in a terrible position and I disobeyed you.  I am horrifically sorry.”  She thought she’d just go with shifting blame to the snake.

But Adam is, in my humble opinion, the biggest player in the blame shifting game…. and that’s anything but a good thing.  He didn’t just point his finger instinctively at Eve, he went on to pretty much point out that God’s the one who gave Eve to him!  It’s almost as if he threw up his hands and insinuated that God and Eve owed him somewhat of an apology.

Oh, Adam.

Again, I’m very thankful that the aerial view of the world today shows houses, buildings, cars, and humans.  If not for our Creator’s patience and grace, the view would show nothing but trees, elephants, giraffes, eagles, and so on.

Before we come down too hard on  Eve’s blame shifting, we might want to look in the mirror for a minute.  Even more alarming, we might want to look in the mirror before we cast any stones at ole Adam.  Think about it.  Have you ever blamed God for a situation?  Of course you have.  We all have been certain, at one time or another, that He was out to get us.  Whether it was after a really foul day, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a dream home, or a beautiful dream that went up in smoke.

Truth be told, we were probably solely responsible for whatever befell us.  Either through foolish spending habits, poor choices, or terrible decision-making.  When we come to the end of the month with fewer dollars in our pocket than our cat has in her pocket, it’s not God’s fault.  It’s ours.

If we have a relationship that falls apart – it isn’t God’s fault.  The fault lies in the people involved in the relationship.

You see what I’m saying, and I’m sure that you understand now why we can’t be too hard on Adam. We’re just as outrageously guilty.

One of my pet peeves in the whole world is blame shifting. Truth be told, if I didn’t find it so ridiculously funny most of the time, it’d make me mad enough to scream.   Fortunately, blame shifters are usually pretty humorous.  Watch them.  The second something goes wrong, they instinctively throw the blame on someone else – usually on the person closest to them.

  • They spill a drink down the front of their top…. the server filled it too dang high! Never mind the fact that she filled everyone else’s glasses in the restaurant and they’re all walking out with dry tops.  Why not simply make a joke out of the situation? Laugh it off and realize that maybe you need to slow down and watch what you’re doing.  If the glass was incredibly full, didn’t you realize that BEFORE it made it all the way to your lips?!
  • They can’t afford something they’d like to have…. Obama! Bush! War! Wife! Why throw blame on anyone? Just be an adult and realize that that’s life – and, if you’re somewhere comfortable and reading this right now, you’re far luckier and far more blessed than most of the people in the world.  Many times, like Eve and her vile friend the snake, we have a legitimate point when we throw blame.  But what’s the point? If I want a new dining room table but can’t afford it right now – listing off every politician who has been in office over the past 10 years isn’t going to make me feel any better and it isn’t going to put a new dining room table in my dining room. It’s just going to spill venom and negativity out into a world that has more than its share. Wouldn’t it be smarter to just remain calm, level-headed, and come up with a plan to put in motion? Operation: Dining Room Table before Thanksgiving.
  • A bad day at the office means that their co-workers are “losers” and the boss is a “jerk.” Instead of shifting blame at work when things don’t go your way, take an honest look at what you could have done differently.  Are you relying on others too much instead of relying entirely on yourself?  Don’t worry about them and what they do or don’t do – take care of your own work and your own responsibilities.   If you want them to work harder, set the example.
  • A college exam didn’t go as well as hoped for…. stupid test! Professor Doom! Granted, some instructors seem to be sadistic when writing up exams and there are those who betray what they’ve told the class.  However, more times than not, if you don’t know the answers to the questions it’s because you didn’t study as often as you should. Too much time was devoted to television or games that would have been better spent somewhere quiet – just you and your textbook and notes.  Preparation leads to success.
  • Someone’s weight is out of control… it’s everyone’s fault except the one with the fork in their hand. True story.  About a month ago, I was waiting in line at Starbucks (my home sweet home away from home sweet home).  Two really, really large ladies were in front of me.  Bless them, they were very, very big girls.   They looked like they could be contestants on The Biggest Loser IF THEY LOST A LITTLE WEIGHT. Yes, large girls. They were also angry girls.  They were griping about the weather, the fact that small drinks are called “Tall,” the fact that Venti is a size option (I SO wanted to ask them what difference any of this made, but I just stood in the shade of their grumpiness), the weather and so on. They compared horror stories about their kids, how that they “had” to take them out for fast food everyday and that it was piling up pounds on the entire family.  Then they railed against this part of the country and how that, if they lived further north, they would never even  have a weight problem.  They could wear what they wanted to, wouldn’t have trouble breathing or walking up stairs, and so on.   Then they stepped up and each ordered Venti fraps (one even wanted extra whipped topping on top).   Yeah, it’s the South.
  • Their kids misbehave and/or talk back….  it’s all thanks to the school system, television, and the music they listen to. I’ll be the first to admit that different influences influence children (go figure – that’s why they’re called influences) but you’ve heard the saying, “The buck stops here.”  When it comes to parenting, the buck truly does stop here.  Stop blame shifting and accept responsibility for your own kids.

Blame shifting is a waste of energy and time.  It also tends to make one look like a baboon. Never a good thing, unless you’re a baboon. It’s also counterproductive.  Think about the ladies in Starbucks. If they quit blaming everyone, including Mother Nature, they’d realize the cold, honest truth:  Bad choices.  Then they could begin making better choices and turn their whole world around.

Watch yourself over the next couple of days.  See how many times you point your finger at other people and how many times you instinctively bring up other people’s names when things go wrong.  You may be amazed to find that you are, in fact, a blame shifter.  If that’s the case, be happy.  Seriously, celebrate because t’ll be the easiest step in your self growth journey that you ever take.  It’s one of those traits that, once you realize your tendency to do it, you’ll be able to overcome it relatively easily.

As long as you don’t blame someone else for it.

~ Joi

Filed Under: Self Help, Spiritual Tagged With: blame shifting, self growth, Self Help, self improvement

Daily Quote from Arthur Ashe

March 30, 2010 by Joi 1 Comment

Regardless of how you feel inside, always try to look like a winner. Even if you are behind, a sustained look of control and confidence can give you a mental edge that results in victory. – Arthur Ashe

Arthur Ashe (July 10, 1943 – February 6, 1993) was an outstanding professional tennis player. The Virginia native won three Grand Slam titles, solidifying his place in history as one of the U.S.A.’s greatest ever.

Oddly enough, however, whenever I hear the name Arthur Ashe, I think of someone who transcends the world of sports. I think of someone who had so much intelligence, character, compassion for others, class, and bravery that it just oozed out of his pores…. daring others not to notice! THEN I think of what a wonderful tennis player he was.

I don’t think he’d mind.

Filed Under: Daily Quote Tagged With: Arthur Ashe quote, Daily Quote

A Self Help Lesson from the Garden of Eden

March 30, 2010 by Joi 3 Comments

The Garden of Eden, 1659

The Garden of Eden, 1659 Giclee Print

While reading a few chapters in Genesis yesterday, I was struck by all of the self help and self improvement lessons lingering in the Garden of Eden with Adam and his somewhat dysfunctional family.  Discontentment, resentment, hatred, unaccountability, and the modern practice of throwing someone under the bus.  

Adam and Eve had it all.  A home so beautiful that our minds could never even begin to grasp the imagery. They didn’t have taxes, traffic, health problems, health reform, social climbing, mortgages,  nosy neighbors, politicians, wars, or any other disasters we’re familiar with.

God was their President, their pastor, and their friend.

Somehow, that wasn’t enough for Eve.  She wanted what she couldn’t  have:  The forbidden fruit. The one tree in her entire world that she was told she couldn’t have… that’s the one she just couldn’t do without.  Can you see her now? Picture it.  She is the perfect female specimen – and her sweetheart is the perfect male specimen,  AND she doesn’t have to worry about other females!  The lovely duo lives in Paradise and their every need is met and met beautifully.

There’s just ONE tree that they aren’t permitted to touch.  I’m guessing Eve fixated on this tree.  She didn’t spend her days and nights looking at all that she had, she spent them looking at what she didn’t have.

In the early stages of fixation, we don’t think about what we don’t have 24/7.  We start out thinking about it, maybe, once or twice a week.  Then, if we don’t snatch our mind away in time – we start thinking about it once or twice a day.  Pretty soon, we’re thinking about the car, house, wardrobe, perfect body, bulldog, boat, bedroom furniture, or the baby that we DON’T have more often that we think about the things (and people) we DO have.

This is, of course, where discontentment and misery move into our minds and hearts.  Without us even realizing it, the discontentment makes us miserable and unhappy – inside and out. I believe that many of the most hateful, grumpity grumps in the world are, at heart, simply miserable themselves – because they don’t think they have all that’s coming to them.  All they deserve.

A couple of people recently told me about a co-worker who was so hateful and mean that you could FEEL her anger and negativity when she walked into a room. It wasn’t at all uncommon for her to leave other workers in tears after shredding their self worth and nerves.   No one likes the B word, but this gal might just be the reason the B word was ever invented in the first place!  After thanking God above that I would probably never meet this woman and after telling the two I was talking to to “stay on her good side, whatever you do,” I started wondering, “I wonder what she thinks is missing in her life. I wonder what her personal tree is.”

Although I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her, she should think about Eve and the Garden of Eden.  Can you imagine how she’d snap my head off at the suggestion?!? People would be so much happier, healthier, and fun to be around if they didn’t focus on the things that were “missing” and simply looked lovingly and thankfully at the things that were present and accounted for.

Poor Eve.  The mother of discontentment at least leaves us a perfect example of the path that leads from fixation and discontentment to failure and disaster.  They were banished from the Garden of Eden.  But why should she mind, right, it wasn’t good enough for her in the first place…. or so she thought.

I wonder how many people, if they lost what they have, would suddenly realize that it was their own private Eden.  Unfortunately, like Eve, it’d be too late then.

How much better is it to look around at the beauty that is your world and to be thankful and content for all that you have.  Then, the next time discontentment begins to whisper a poisonous sermon in your heart and mind, cut it off. Tell it what Eve should have told the snake, “Look at all I have.. I don’t need anything you’ve got!”

Tomorrow: Adam, most definitely, is not off the hook!

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Self Help, Spiritual Tagged With: contentment, happiness, how to be happy, Self Help, self improvement

Daily Quote: Quotes About Perseverance

March 26, 2010 by Joi 2 Comments

Something that helps me when 99 percent of me wants to phone it in is three simple words:  Get it Done.  It has kept me focused when my mind wants to wander away from work at hand, it has kept me doing housework when I wanted to watch I Love Lucy, and it has kept me on the treadmill for 10 minutes longer than I thought I could reach.  When you feel yourself caving in to distractions, discouragements, or any other dangerous limitations, visualize the words GET IT DONE… and then do just that.

Here are a few other favorite quotes about perseverance:

Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts. – Coleman Cox

Keep going and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it.  I never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down. – Charles Kettering

Character consists on what you do on the third and fourth tries. – James Michener

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success, they give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown. – H. Ross Perot

It’s always too early to quit. – Norman Vincent Peale

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
– Author Unknown

Never despair, but if you do, WORK ON IN DESPAIR.  – Edmund Burke

More great quotes about Perseverance.

Filed Under: Daily Quote Tagged With: inspirational quotes, motivational quotes, perseverance

A Really Cool and Simple Self Help Exercise

March 26, 2010 by Joi 2 Comments

 

I’ve mentioned several times that I’ve fallen in love with a new type of “book feature” – books that allow me to comfortably read them while I’m on the treadmill have a very special place in my heart. When they’re just the right size and pliable, and the font is large enough to read at arm’s length and (come on let’s be honest!) they’re interesting enough to keep me in place for at least 30 minutes, I’ve made a paper friend for life.

I just finished such a book, WOW: A Handbook for Living. I want to share one particularly interesting page from the book that really made me think. I’ve shared it with a few of my daughters and it has tickled their brain cells as well.

The authors, Zen Ohashi and Zono Kurazono, have filled the book with beautiful, random photography as well as outstanding advice and… well, brain cell ticklers. I’ve gotten a lot out of many of them, but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t appreciate me giving everything away in one post! I will, however, share one in particular.

If you want to improve your abilities such as listening, love, enthusiasm, expression, rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. – Page 60

  1. Rate the ability on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best you’ve been able to perform up to this point in time, one being the worst you’ve ever done.  Do this on a daily basis.
  2. To raise your ability just one point, think of what you have to do to improve.
  3. Try it.  – WOW: A Handbook for Living – Page 62

After reading this particular page, I folded the book and placed it on the front of my treadmill – then I just finished my physical exercise as I thought about this mental exercise.  This is really excellent advice.  Think of the different areas this advice could be utilized in:

  • Personal. Rate your relationships with the people you love.  On a scale of 1-10, how close are you? What could YOU do (don’t worry about them right now) to move UP the scale.  Do you criticize or “push” them too hard?  If so, laying off and offering more support, praise, and back pats would certainly be good for an upward swing.
  • Home. Rate your living conditions.  Have your closets gotten out of control (Shhh, don’t judge me.), are your bookcases haggard?  Do you need more furniture with organization on its mind?! Take an honest assessment and, again, come up with what will get you moving in the right direction.
  • How about money? How would you currently rate your finances?  Do you have as much money in the bank as you want or need?  If not, come up with a plan to either make more or spend less.
  • Your Self Image. Without being unnecessarily cruel or chippy, how do you rate your self image right now?  Packing around a few extra pounds that you aren’t terribly thrilled with?  Maybe your hairstyle has worn out its welcome. Unhappy with your wardrobe? Whatever your pet peeves are, keeping them as pet peeves isn’t going to do anything for you.  Rate the different areas, then come up with a plan to move on up to a happier place on the number line.
  • Your Self Confidence.  Are you comfortable speaking on a number of different subjects? If not, read more.  Stretch your mind and stretch your horizons.

Push your limits and push your way up the number line.  Don’t stop until you’re rocking a #11 in every category.  Think it’s not possible?  All I have to say to that is, Gambaru!

In addition to the rating exercise, I highly recommend the following:

  1. Daily exercise!  Not only is it the best thing you can do for your physical health, it’s golden for your mental health.  You’ll feel so much better if you simply MAKE time to get at least 30 minutes of activity at least 5 days a week.  As an added bonus, while you’re walking or working out, you’ll come up with some of your best ideas and will be able to do more creative thinking than ever before.  For reasons that a doctor could explain far better than I can, exercising sets the stage for clearer thinking and creative ideas.  I’m completely hooked on working out problems and ideas on the treadmill or while walking outdoors (assuming it ever warms up again!)
  2. WOW: A Handbook for Living.  This is a beautifully written and illustrated book that will stimulate your thoughts as it inspires and motivates you to live your life out loud.  This one’s a real winner, and so are you.

Filed Under: Book Reviews, Books I Love, Positive Thought, Relationships, Self Help Tagged With: books, self help advice, self help books, self improvement advice, self improvement books

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