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You are here: Home / 2010 / Archives for June 2010

Archives for June 2010

Relationship Adivce: Realize You’re on the Same Side

June 29, 2010 by Joi 7 Comments

Interview continued from John E. Welshon’5 Tips for Healing a Difficult Relationship:

Q: Recently we have seen celebrities and political figures run amok in the manners department.  Where do manners fit in with the practice of being mindful?

A:  Well, the practice of being “mindful” suggests living most of your life in a state of meditation, or meditative awareness.  It is an integral part of our quest for inner peace. And inner peace ultimately translates into outer peace.  In fact, there is no way to argue your way to peace in relationships, and no way to fight your way into peace in the external environment.  you know, insulting another human being, or acting in a way that diminishes their value is not generally a good way to heal a relationship, or to improve the world.  As Gandhi said, you must be the change you’re looking to see in the world.  Don’t be so busy telling everybody else how to act – just see to it that you are acting in a manner that is most healing to relationships and to the world.

Now that brings us to the situation of our culture.  We have become incredibly disconnected and narcissistic.  So many people in the culture have gotten the idea that the only way to be safe and happy is to be emotionally disconnected – to think, essentially, that the world revolves around “me”, that “I” am all that matters.  Have you ever noticed, for instance, that when someone is going to cut you off in traffic, or in the grocery store, they won’t look in your eyes?  Because if we really look in each other’s eyes, our whole game of disconnection is over.  If we really look, we see another being just like us in another body.  We get a glimpse of our soul – our eternal, unbreakable connection.  So if we want to feel free to be rude and self-centered, we have to keep up our sense of disconnection.  Otherwise, we just can’t do it.

It turns out that the practice of good manners is not just some uptight, outdated, Emily Post system of etiquette for girls who went to “finishing school.”  If you really examine “good manners,” they are practices aimed at cultivating the awareness that there is someone in the world besides “me,” and that the other people in the world have an equal right to be acknowledged, to be valued, to be given opportunities, to be respected.  If you are endeavoring to create a meditative awareness in your life,  practicing good manners will help you.  Because meditation is simply paying attention to what is happening in the moment.  It is about connecting fully with your experience of life in this moment.  And the same is true of manners.  So if your experience of life in this moment includes someone who is waiting for the same parking space you want, you simply acknowledge that and move on to find another parking space.  That kind of consideration and awareness of others not only enhances your moment-to-moment awareness, but it simultaneously connects you to other human beings in a way that becomes very nurturing and nourishing to your soul.  When you practice good manners, suddenly you feel less alone in the world.

As a culture, unfortunately, we have become increasingly tolerant of rudeness.  In fact, we have turned rudeness – and its eventual counterpart, violence – into entertainment.  Rudeness and violence have become acceptable behavior because the news media, and the entertainment industry feed us a steady diet of it.  It causes our youth to idolize and want to emulate some of the most self-absorbed people in the culture.  The problem with that is that self-absorption can never lead to happiness.  In fact, it leads in the opposite direction.  Our cultural values are so askew that our children wind up worshiping and wanting to emulate some of the most unhappy people in the culture.  Isn’t that bizarre?

The current situation in our government, in television journalism and in political commentary is really quite tragic.  When conservatives and liberals demonize each other, and refuse to engage in meaningful, civil, rational dialogue, both sides just keep getting angrier and angrier, louder and more irrational, and less and less inclined to work together for the benefit of the country.  There is little inclination to want to compromise, and come to a consensus because each side has decided that the other’s ideas are so repugnant and wrong that they shouldn’t even dialogue in a civil fashion.  I read a survey about a year ago in which conservatives were asked to define liberals, and liberals were asked to define conservatives.  The study showed that over eighty-five percent of the respondents on both sides used the word “evil” to characterize the other. Now when you start from that vantage point, where do you go in terms of working together for the common good?

John E. Welshon is the author of One Soul, One Love, One Heart: The Sacred Path to Healing All Relationships.

I love several things about the author’s answer. For one thing, how right he is: People are becoming more and more self-absorbed as they model themselves after some of the most self-centered, self-obsessed people the world has ever seen.  If you want your relationships to be all that they can be, putting yourself first, middle, and last is the worst move you can make.

I’m blown away by the fact that conservatives and liberals described one another as “evil.”  While it makes me kind of sad all over, it’s not surprising.  After all, one camp blamed President Bush for everything that went wrong, including natural disasters – and the other camp suggested Barack Obama was the anti-Christ.

Relationships have to be built – constructed, even.  Yet so many people seem to be only interested in tearing the other person down.  You can’t build something worthwhile if you spend so much time and energy trying to tear something down.

Common sense? Definitely.  Yet it’s something few… very, very few… people actually “get.”

Filed Under: Books I Love, Relationships

Quote of the Day: Quotes About Life

June 22, 2010 by Joi 16 Comments

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.” – Erma Bombeck

A life without cause is a life without effect. – Barbarella

All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind. – Abraham Lincoln

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them. – Dalai Lama

Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow. – Terri Guillemets

As we struggle to make sense of things, life looks on in repose. – Author Unknown

In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – More Abraham Lincoln Quotes

I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. – Abraham Lincoln

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once. – Lillian Dickson

I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph. And there’s purpose and worth to each and every life. – More Ronald Reagan Quotes

Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. – Albert Einstein

Life loves the liver of it. – Maya Angelou

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. – More Maya Angelou Quotes

And one of my absolute favorite quotes of all-time, one that I’ve adopted as one of my greatest life mottos: Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “I’m with you kid. Let’s go.” – Maya Angelou

More Quotes About Life

Filed Under: Daily Quote Tagged With: inspirational quotes, life quotes, motivational quotes, quote of the day

Relationships: Why It’s So Important to Choose Your Soul Mate

June 21, 2010 by Joi 9 Comments

First of all, before getting to any sort of other thoughts or tangents, a happy belated Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful husband and all of the other dads out there.  I was busy cooking for my special guy all day yesterday (Grilled hot dogs and baked beans for lunch, Spinach Manicotti and Garlic Bread for supper and a mulit-layered cake from scratch with lemon fruit filling between the layers – frosted with my favorite fluffy frosting recipe… serious YUM!) for dessert.  Then I collapsed and watched a little golf with him.

For obvious reasons, I didn’t get by Self Help Daily to wish you guys a happy day yesterday – so here are your dues today… Happy Father’s Day!

A few of my daughters and I have been talking a lot about relationships lately.  So, I figured since my thoughts were already headed in that direction, I’d just run with it.  Whether you’re still looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right or you’ve found your soul mate, you know how very, very important it is to choose wisely.

Jackson Brown said it best, “Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  So. True.

Young people (and even not so young) often have the wrong priorities when looking for their life partner. If you base your relationship solely on money or solely on attraction, you’ll soon learn that if someone doesn’t have more than a full bank account or a beautiful face going for them, they’re of little worth – to you or themselves.

I wish I could sit down and talk with every girl, boy, woman, or man who’s looking for that special person.  I wish I could write down Jackson Brown’s outstanding quote and frame it for them.   Getting inside their head with this truth would do one of two things:

  1. Help them avoid making the biggest mistake of their life.
  2. Help them make the smartest decision of their life.

Forget money, forget strong shoulders, forget beautiful eyes, forget beautiful smiles, even forget a laugh that makes you laugh right along with them – even when you don’t get the joke.  You have to make certain that the person you commit yourself to spend your life with is your soul mate.  You have to be certain that this is the person that will bring you happiness, peace, and joy.

He or she has to be the person that will make any apartment, house, or trailer feel like Heaven on earth.

Make no mistake about it, you’ll have arguments.  If, that is, you’re both humans and not sheep.  You’ll have some doozies, mark it down!  You’ll yell, you’ll stomp around, and you’ll (at times) make a perfect fool of yourself.  These things happen when people love one another…. comes with the territory.  Keeps things interesting.

When I think of the words Soul Mate, I think of my husband – I guess it’d pretty much suck if I didn’t.  My husband, Michael, is my blue-eyed proof of Jackson Brown’s quote.  See, I think a soul mate should be someone who “jives” with you, someone who speaks your language even when you aren’t speaking.  He/she should “get” you and respect you even when they may not see eye to eye with you.

A soul mate should be ready to stand beside you, even when you’re wrong – and dare anyone to say the words out loud.

Here’s one of the things I adore most about my husband:  He lets me be me.  He doesn’t try to change me or make me feel bad for my quirks (I have a collection of them, but that’s another article.).  You may have guessed by now – but I’m the poster child for animal lovers.  If I could, I would surround myself with about 20 of every kind of animal known to exist.

I’ve always been this way.  When we first met, Michael didn’t have any pets whatsoever.  I quickly took care of that.

Over the years, I’ve subjected this man to countless cats, dogs, and birds. Strays are drawn to me like bees to honey.  Whenever a new dog or cat has ever come into our yard, the process never deviates:

  1. I rush out to welcome (and name) the new family member.
  2. Michael quietly heads off to the store for dog food or more cat food.

He isn’t what you’d necessarily call a “dog person” but not long ago two beautiful, frisky, adorable black dogs came into our yard.  He  went for food.

When my mom passed away, we took in her adorable dog Wednesday.  Michael and Wednesday became the best of buddies and took walks each night.  I’m not sure which one of them looked forward to them more, but I suspect that he was the one with just two legs.

The thing is, if you want to have a happy life – one filled with laughter, smiles, peace, and love – choose the individual you’ll spend your life with more carefully than you’ve ever chosen anything.

  • Choose the person who makes you smile even when you’re down.  Stay away from the person who brings you down even when you’re smiling.
  • Choose the person who makes you feel good about yourself.  Stay away from the person who makes you feel bad about yourself – as though you don’t quite measure up.
  • Choose the person who fits in well with your family.  Avoid the person who ridicules your family, causes tension, or tries to start trouble.  So not worth it.
  • Choose the person who makes life fun! Avoid the person who seems to be allergic to fun and laughter.
  • Choose the person who has similar interests to your own.  Sure, you need to have individual interests as well (I’ll never be a golfer any sooner than my husband will be a baker), but you should have plenty of things in common.  If you don’t, you’ll never have anything to talk about!
  • Choose the person who respects you, your opinions, your beliefs, and what you stand for.  Avoid the person who’s looking for a clone of themselves. Give them a mirror and send them on their way.

If you, like me, have already found your soul mate, you might want to pause for a while and just think about how lucky you are.  It’s a pretty rare thing, you know.

“Choose your life mate wisely because from that one decision will come 90% of your future happiness or misery.”  – Jackson Brown

Filed Under: How to Be Happy, Must Reads, Relationships Tagged With: relationship advice, Relationships, soul mates

RESPECT, Find Out What it Means to You

June 17, 2010 by Joi 10 Comments

“Men are respectable only as they respect” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I got an e-mail earlier – one of those e-mails that make the rounds.  Nine out of ten times these e-mails provoke a positive response from me:

  1. Cute pictures of animals make me smile from my head to my toes.
  2. Jokes make me laugh – even the ones I don’t get.
  3. E-mails that caution the reader about online scams or viruses make me cautious.
  4. E-mails pointing me to great recipes make me thankful… and hungry.

But every once in a while one comes along that I delete faster than I eat a chocolate cupcake.  I, for one, don’t like e-mails that are disrespectful to anyone.  It doesn’t matter if I like the person or what they stand for, whatsoever.  I have a strong distaste for disrespect and very little use for people who are disrespectful.

I remember the very first Presidential election I was cognizant of.  My mom and my dad were huge, huge, huge supporters of one of the candidates.  They talked about it so much that I got the impression they actually knew him.

Unfortunately (for them) their guy did not win.  When the day came for the “swearing in” of the gentleman who did win, my mom sat down in front of the television to watch.  She made very nice comments about his wife and seemed genuinely proud for both of them.  It was a bit much for my young, Barbie-doll-obsessed mind to handle, so I asked her why she was watching the “bad guy” enjoy the win.

She was very quick to point out that he wasn’t the “bad guy”.  She extolled his virtues as well as those of his wife and said that he had her full support.  She then said something that has always stuck with me.  She said, “He’s my President now.”

I recall that she did, as always, follow the news and never missed a Presidential address.  I also recall that she never said an unkind word about him.  Ever.  Even when the next election rolled around and the man she voted for won, she cried as the other one left office.  I didn’t even ask why, I knew:  He had been her President.

That wasn’t just the sign of a well-mannered southern woman and it wasn’t just a case of a patriotic lady.  It was a complete and total lesson in R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

What most people fail to realize is this:  When you are disrespectful toward an individual (whether it’s the President of the United States, a politician from Alaska, or the lady who waits on you at the grocery store), you say far more about yourself than you do them.

And none of it’s good.

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me. All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson

None of us will agree with everything anyone does or says.  Whether it’s Sarah Palin’s hunting (grrrrr) or President Obama’s Health Plan (?????).  I’m certainly not saying that we don’t have the right to express our opinions.  Many brave men died to provide us with that right.  All I’m saying is this:  There’s a difference between stating your opinion and being downright nasty and disrespectful.

When a national magazine placed Mrs. Palin on the cover in casual attire, wearing kind of a wild-eyed expression – it wreaked of disrespect.

When bloggers post jokes about President Obama or our First Lady, it wreaks of disrespect.

Disrespect doesn’t just show up on the political scene, of course.  How about our daily life?

  • Do you treat your spouse with respect?
  • Do you treat your parents with respect?
  • Do you treat your children with respect?
  • Do you treat your children’s friends with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandparents with respect?
  • Do you treat your grandchildren with respect?
  • Do you treat workers in public with respect?
  • Do you treat your co-workers with respect?
  • Do you treat strangers with respect?

Notice that it isn’t just important to treat people who are older than you with respect.  Young people deserve respect as well.  As I’ve pointed out before, the respect you show toward others says a lot more about your manners, your culture, your character, your breeding, and your nature than it does the other person’s.

This may sound like the cat biting the hand that strokes it, because I make my living from the internet and blogs – but I think both have contributed greatly toward the disrespect so prevalent amongst people today.  Social media isn’t helping things either.  Last week, I had a comment left one one of my blogs that wasn’t just contrary, it was down-right mean.  She didn’t contribute anything to the conversation or to the topic at hand, whatsoever.  She just spat a little venom and slithered off.

I welcome commentators who disagree with me.  In fact, I had a fascinating conversation (in the comments on Self Help Daily) with one individual about sunning.  They really challenged my thinking and made me dig deeper in my research.  I loved it!  They were respectful and I greatly enjoyed the back and forth.  They made me reconsider a few things and I’m grateful that they took the time to leave comments.

But this gal – wow.  No good came from it and her whole demeanor was disrespectful and childish.

Very often, that’s the trademark of disrespect – childishness. A mature person will treat everyone around them with respect. When they disagree with an individual, they’ll do so in a manner that makes you want to hear them out, not run away, covering your ears and hoping a tree falls on them.

“Judging others against our own standards is being egoistical. Respect everyone’s right to be different!” – Wai-Fatt Yee

Every now and then, examine how you treat others – at home, at work, online, in the store….  Do you treat people with respect?  If not, do you realize that you’re hurting yourself far more than you are anyone else?  I don’t want you to do that!  I want the world to see you for the wonderful, classy, extra-cool person that you are.

You’ve got style, kid, why not let everyone see that?!?!

~ Joi

More Quotes about Respect

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Relationships Tagged With: quotes, Relationships, respect

Focus: Possibly the Most Vital Word in the Self Help World

June 11, 2010 by Joi 3 Comments

Focus!Our thoughts create our reality, where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go. – Peter McWilliams

What you do is the only thing that really matters – not what you say.  I don’t give jack about what you say.  Show me what you do.

The quote above is a nicer version of an argument I served up to someone tonight.  I was tough.  Firm.  Assertive. I didn’t back down.  I didn’t even give him an opportunity to respond.

Granted, he was on television and I was at home.  On my couch. Beside my cat.  In polka dot pajamas (me, not my cat).  But still…

The poor man in question is a baseball player.  He’s actually one of my favorite athletes of all time.

Loves him.

But…. well… if you see the world’s biggest rut somewhere on the side of the road, look smack in the middle of it.  You’ll see my boy, bat in hand.

Don’t be afraid – even if he swings at you, he’ll miss you.

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems, not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses. – William Arthur Ward

In all fairness, we’re all guilty of talking a bigger game, at times, than we’re currently playing.  We all get in ruts.  Fortunately, most of us don’t have to experience these ruts in front of the whole world,  subjecting ourselves to pajama clad cat lovers drinking iced green tea and muttering under her breath.

Personally, I think most of our “ruts” are the result of distractions or a lack of focus.   Getting distracted is easy.  Losing focus is easy.  What’s hard is realizing what the heck is going on and doing something about it.

It’s far easier to throw on your cloak of denial.  I’m just as great as ever.  The one with the problem might just be you.  Ever thought of that? No? I didn’t think so.

“The ability to apply your mind steadily and exclusively to one subject at a time is a mark of superior power and essential to really great achievement.” – Grenville Kleiser

Overcoming distractions, as well as distracting thoughts, takes practice.  To be sure, it takes a bit of concentrated effort.

When my girls were just learning to crawl, they’d sometimes head off to parts of the room that I (the world’s biggest mother hen and epitome of an over-protective mommy) didn’t want them to be in.  Perhaps they were close to the television set that might get a wild hair and fall on them… or maybe they were near a window where a giant pterodactyl (a holdout) could come crushing through…

Whatever the perceived danger, “mommy” didn’t want “baby girl” there.  So, I’d physically pick her (whichever her it happened to be at the time) up and physically move her to a safer place – i.e. my lap.

I’ve learned that this is the same approach we have to take with distractions – whether they’re physical distractions or distracting thoughts.  We have to take the upper hand, recognize that they are the enemy of our success, and remove them from our vicinity.

I’ll close with a passage from a book from 1917, “Inspiration and Ideals.” It was written by Grenville Kleiser, a favorite author.

Concentration (or focus) can be cultivated by regular and conscientious practice.  When you detect your mind wandering, instantly substitute the desired subject for the intrusive one.  Repeated efforts of this kind will rapidly remedy the fault.  Be on your guard against mind-wandering and idle daydreaming as enemies of culture and progress.  Be deeply interested in what you are doing, and ignore vagrant ideas.  Concentration will rapidly build your mental power.  It is vital to large mental growth and personal advancement.

I love this part best of all:  “Be deeply interested in what you are doing, and ignore vagrant ideas.”

Beautiful.  Now I have a baseball game to get back to and an athlete to apologize to.  He’s human.  Who knew?

For some outstanding quotes about focus, click the link.

Filed Under: General, Positive Thought, Self Help

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