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Archives for March 2011

Don’t Half-Ass Anything in Life

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Don't Half Ass Anything!
As you may know, I’m a Biggest Loser fanatic.  In fact, I think I’ve probably mentioned the show, it’s contestants, and trainers in a gazillion and three posts.

Now we’ll have to make it a gazillion and four.

On an episode earlier this season, the queen of fitness, Jillian Michaels, was in a contestants face (I SO love it when she gets in faces – priceless).  She was trying to get the contestant to push harder and do more than they thought they could  do.  She told them not to half-ass it.  Then she told them to never half-ass anything in life.

The phrase has stuck with me, glued to my psyche.

Since then, I’ve challenged myself in different areas of my life.  It’s as though an inner Jillian will get in my face, asking me, “Are you half-assing?!?  I know you’re not half-assing, are you, goofball?!”

My inner Jillian’s a name-caller.

Truth be told, I’m afraid that all of us, at one time or another, half-asses whatever it is we’re doing.  Whether we’re pressed for time or pressed for “give a darn,” only half of us shows up for duty. The other half phones  it in and kicks back.  Then we have the audacity to wonder why we aren’t achieving the level of success we’re looking for. Sometimes we think we’re busting our butts for a particular cause when, in all actuality, we’re only busting half our butts.

Half assing, if you will.

This is a short post – especially compared to the epic novelettes I normally write – but it isn’t intended to be a forum for me.  It’s intended to be a thought provoker for anyone and everyone reading it.  Basically I want to sow the seed (the words HALF-ASS)  in the field (your mind) and allow you to harvest something spectacular.  I want the words to encourage and challenge you the way they have me since they first came charging out of Jillian’s mouth.  These words, and the concept behind them, take no prisoners, no excuses, and no b.s.

From here on, when you’re…

  • Working
  • Spending time with a loved one
  • Working out
  • Cleaning the garage
  • Walking the dog
  • Sweeping the floor
  • Cooking a meal
  • Walking on the treadmill
  • Writing a letter
  • Doing a project
  • Studying
  • Learning something new
  • Writing an article
  • Writing a book
  • Building a blog
  • Washing your car
  • Planning a vacation
  • Getting dressed
  • Doing whatever it is you’re doing, whenever it is your doing it!

….. ask yourself, “AM I HALF-ASSING IT?”  Simply challenging yourself with the question, alone, will make you extend your reach.  You’ll work harder, stay longer, go further, and surpass a bar you may not have even reached.  You’ll amaze yourself with what you can accomplish when you put your ALL into it as opposed to just half.

It’s amazing how motivational two little words can be.  There’s magic in half ass… as long as you’re saying it and not doing it.

Give it your all or why even bother?

~ Joi

Coping with Empty Nest Syndrome

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Michael, Brittany, me, and Emily

Michael, Brittany, me, and Emily. My mom wanted us to sit still for a few more family pictures by the Christmas tree, but Emily had had her fill of being still!  Brittany looks like a little baby bird and Michael looks like he just woke up!

As I wrote not long ago, Empty Nest Syndrome is a popular subject in my e-mail’s inbox.  It was a fairly popular subject before I wrote Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard, but after the article, it’s a rock star.

Unfortunately, it’s a pretty unhappy rock star.

I love getting e-mail from all of my friends – which is what I consider anyone who actually takes the time to honor me by reading my words.  I know I ramble like a Mexican grey wolf  through the Sonoran Desert.  Sometimes, like el lobo, I probably look like I have no idea where I’m headed… but, give us this – we’re passionate about getting there!

So, for those of you who bear with me, you’re a friend for life and I welcome your e-mails any time.  Self Help Daily is different than a lot of other websites and blogs – there are certain topics that some people aren’t comfortable talking about in the comments.  I’m always floored by those who throw caution to the wind and open up in the comment’s section – but I know it’s not an option for everyone and every situation.

Three separate e-mails have come over the past 8 days.

  • The names were different.
  • The number(s) of children were different.
  • The details were different.
  • The “tone” of each message was different.

Yet, in spite of all the differences, the e-mails were more alike than they were different.  Pain is pain, no matter how you try to sugarcoat it.  Most of the parents I hear from are parents who now find themselves in an “empty nest.”  However, I hear from a great number who simply FEEL like the nest is empty (because their kids are away more than they’re home) and from others who know the day is approaching.

Look out, here comes the grey wolf… but aren’t the “approaching days” the worst?!  When Emily’s wedding was approaching, each holiday and birthday kind of had a dark cloud hovering above.  No matter how hard I tried NOT to, I kept thinking, “This is the last Christmas she’ll be living at home…” or “This is the last time she’ll have a birthday while living with us…”  Silly stuff like that.  Take it from me, as someone who has lived through it – the approaching days are FAR worse than the the days after the fact.  Christmases, birthdays, and other holidays aren’t any different whatsoever.  The kids just arrive through another door…. and generally arrive starving, so always have food on hand!

Strained Relationships

There was something extra distressing about the recent e-mails.  They went past the “lonely days” and the “echoing silence.”  Each of these e-mails had an underlying theme:  The overwhelming feelings caused by “Empty Nest Syndrome” had caused relationship problems in their families.  The very real threat of this is one of the things that prompted me to write my initial article.

I’m going to primarily address the ladies right now – but I ask that my male friends please continue reading.  It’ll help you understand the lady in your life better, as well as her pain.

As mothers, most of us are possessed with an overwhelming feeling of love and devotion the minute we hold our newborn baby.  Something happens when we look down into the precious face of our baby girl or baby boy. Internal feelings of love fill us as do feelings of protection.  Heaven help the individual who tries to get between a mother and her child!  We devote our entire lives to caring for, protecting, and loving this baby.  Over the years, our days and nights are filled with caring for them.  OF COURSE we have our own lives and OF COURSE we love our spouses just as deeply – but a good mother has a strong tie that binds her to each of her children.

I can’t remember what the exact situation was, but I do remember my husband once telling me that he was very thankful that I was this way.  He said he thanked God every day that his daughters had me for a mother.  I think most husbands and fathers (if they’re worth their weight!) feel this way.  They want the mother of their children to love them with an all-encompassing love.

The power of a mother is a very powerful thing.  So is the determination to protect them and care for them.  In a way, when the child begins to date, work, and go to college – we kind of feel like we’re “losing” them.  That’s utter nonsense, of course, but there is a very real feeling that something is pulling them away from us.

Again – I want to remind you that I’ve been there.  When Emily was born, I had just turned 20. I had never held a baby in my entire life.  When they placed that little 8 pounds of wiggling pinkness in my arms something profound happened.  I was no longer Joi the spoiled only child who listened to Prince and Madonna all day.  I was no longer the girl who collected unicorns and loved to shop everyday with her new cute as all get out husband.  How my hair looked or whether or not my nail polish and lip gloss matched didn’t matter quite as much.

I was a mommy.

Still am.

I home-schooled all three of our daughters all the way through school.   Every hour of my days were filled with little girls… and then teen-aged girls.  I loved every second and, yes, they most definitely went by too fast.  Someone asked me once if my days were “too quiet” now and my exact answer was this, “Quiet, most of the time… but too quiet? I wouldn’t go that far!”

An interesting life (that’s what I’m calling it today) has actually done something remarkable for me. It has made me incredibly strong.  At times when I would be tempted to say that I miss Emily being in her room – I’m able to swallow the words and come up with something better. You see, saying these things to our children serves absolutely no purpose at all.

Saying these words to our spouses serves no purpose at all.  Giving our pain a voice only hurts the people we should never, ever wan to hurt.

When we first held our children in our arms, our number 1 thought was to protect them from harm. We positioned our arms and hands with the utmost of care – just to make sure their heads rested easily.  Sometimes it caused a crick in my neck but I didn’t care – as long as my little pink ladies were comfortable!  Did you ever have a toddler fall asleep in your lap and want desperately to move?  Whether it was a leg that had gone to sleep or an itch you couldn’t reach, all you wanted to do was move that child and reclaim mobility!

And yet you didn’t.

Our children are still our children – just taller, hopefully wiser, and usually hungrier.  These are still our babies and it’s still our responsibility to protect them – yes, even at our own inconvenience.  Is it easy? Not even remotely! But please try to picture yourself with your child as a toddler – asleep in your lap.  What mattered most THEN is what matters most NOW:  The happiness of your little girl or little boy.

When we come across to our children as lonely  – or make them feel like they’ve hurt or abandoned us – it hurts them.  They may react with anger, but what they’re feeling is pain.  A pain they don’t know what to do with because “mom” had always been the strong one.

I was thinking about my own parents a few nights ago.  I was 19 when I got married and moved several states away.  Their only child… a very spoiled little girl, at that… was headed off many miles and many hours away.  I know they experienced a lot of pain and worry.  Sometimes I could hear it in their voices on the phone and I’d have to hurry off the phone before they realized I was crying.

I remember after we’d been married (and moved) for about a month, my mom called.  I could hear excitement in her voice as she talked about a new camera my dad had bought.  He was taking up photography and was taking pictures of everything and everyone!  She was excited for him and she said she’d started taking up a few crafts.  She was going to paint the living room and the paper the bathroom – and she was so excited about everything, I could hardly keep up with her.

When I got off the phone, I felt like the world had lifted off of my shoulders.  My mom and dad were okay.  They were happy, excited, and living their lives.  I felt so happy, I couldn’t sit still and the smile on my face was in no hurry to fade.

Your children and your spouse need you now more than ever.  Never think for a second that any part of an empty nest is easy on good ole dad!  In fact, he has compounded problems – he misses his child, he worries about the child (all of those crazy “dad worries” like gas, insurance, dead bolts, strangers…), and he worries about his wife.  Truth be told, I’m sure in many ways he misses her too.  Please do your loved ones – and yourself – a huge favor and find your will to live and your desire to be happy again.  The smile you see on their face will melt your heart and make you happier than you can imagine.

For those of you who have strained relationships because of this transition of life, you simply have to hit REFRESH.  Ever had a web page that refused to load properly?  You hit REFRESH and give it a second chance – voila! Everything loads just like it was meant to – it just needed a second chance.

Here’s your second chance.  Make a great supper and have everyone attend.  Make everyone’s favorite foods!  You don’t have to make a big speech – if you’re like me, you’d probably just cry anyway – but if you want to say something, keep it simple, “I’m better now.  I love you.  Let’s eat.”

Most importantly, just let everyone see you happy – it may be a sight they haven’t seen in a while.  Let them see you smile, hear you laugh, and remember just how special their mom/wife is.  No doubt they’ve missed you terribly,

A few final thoughts:

  • The more you dwell on a thought – the more ingrained it becomes.  If you keep thinking, “I’m lonely…. I’m lonely… I’m lonely…”  – you’re putting the thoughts in cement.  Knock that off! Replace the thoughts with, “I’m getting stronger everyday!” or “This is a relaxing and peaceful day!”  If you think you can’t change your thoughts, here’s a test for you.  Think of a yellow rose.  A vibrant, beautiful, big yellow rose.  Now think of a red tricycle. Fire engine red.  Booyah!  You changed thoughts.
  • Get busy, girl! Take up yoga, pilates, sewing, bird watching, crafts, reading, writing, painting, photography, cooking, or all of the above.  Don’t sit around moping and feeling blue.  Ask yourself, “Who’s going to want to come spend time with me?!?!”  Put a little music on, fill the house with the smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies, and get your groove back.
  • We’re all as happy as we make up our minds to be.
  • Families argue.  Families sometimes even yell and make one another cry.  Once when I was pregnant – with hormones soaring – I threw a Hardee’s hamburger out the window, past my husband who was behind the steering wheel.  We were parked at the park, under the shade.  The plan was to eat the burgers – not throw them.  He looked at the burger as it flew past his face and out onto the ground.  I’d never done anything like that before, so I was even more shocked than him.  He calmly closed up his burger and turned the key.  I asked what he thought he was doing and he said, “Well, you can’t eat that now. I’m going to go get you another one.”  It’s exactly what he did.  We didn’t talk about the flying burger incident that night or for a long time after that.  When I brought it up once, we just died laughing.
  • Your family isn’t any different than most.  Again, all families argue.  Remember the “perfect” family from the Blind Side. I wrote about their newest book in a recent article.  Here’s a quote from that book: We fight.  We make up.  And we get over it.  That’s what families do. Beautifully said.  Even perfect families argue… no biggie.
  • Nothing is irrevocable or irreversible.  As the mother (and, let’s face it, girls – probably the one who caused the stink in the first place!), it’s up to you to dress yourself head to toe in strength.  Your child is in your lap and the last thing you want to do is disturb them.  Channel your thoughts away from the itch you can’t reach and into the child you treasure.

I know you have the strength inside of you and when you tap into it, you’ll amaze yourself as much as your family.  You’ll wear it beautifully.

Self Help Lessons from The King’s Speech

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The King's Speech Movie Poster

My husband and I recently saw the movie The King’s Speech.  King George (Bertie) had a problem which must be one of the most irritating, maddening, and frustrating issues in the world to deal with.  He stuttered.

The King’s Speech (an outstanding movie that’s worthy of all the praise it and its stars have received – Colin Firth as King George gives one helluva performance) is the inspirational story of King George VI of Britain.  In spite of his royal blood, “Bertie” was just a man – flesh and blood, albeit royal.  He had doubts and insecurities like all of us – thanks to his speech problem and to a father who handled the whole matter poorly (as well as a brother who badly needed roughing up).  His sudden ascension to the throne corresponded with a time of great turmoil and trouble for Britain.  They needed a leader they could put their confidence in but their leader had to find it first.

King George had an all-important speech ahead of him.  He simply had to make his words reflect the strength and conviction that resided inside of him.

Fortunately, the king had been working with an unconventional speech therapist, Lionel (brilliantly played by Geoffrey Rush).  His wife Elizabeth  (played by the always sublime Helena Bonham Carter) had found this wonderful man, at a time her husband had all but given up. Lionel and Elizabeth formed a little team that refused to let him go under.

I was about to type, “Before this post turns into a movie review” when I realized it already had.  I might as well cap the review portion of this post off:  The King’s Speech is an utterly fascinating, hilarious, and breathtakingly beautiful movie.  The cast is sheer perfection and you really should see the movie, at least once.  It’s outstanding.

And that concludes the impromptu movie review – I guess we know now why I don’t do that for a living.

The King’s Speech actually holds – within its gorgeous scenes – a self help lesson for us, and as you’d expect, I’m all over it.  King George VI’s life played out on a long, winding road that essentially had 6 Mile Markers.  Had he stopped at any of the 6 and refused to continue his journey, who knows what would have happened.  Fortunately, he found the courage and determination to make it through each.

While we are each on decidedly different roads, with our own gorgeous scenery and individual challenges, but we have the same 6 Mile Markers, the Six P’s, if you will:

Mile Marker #1:  PROBLEM

Like King George, we all have problems. You may have a particular problem right now that looms in front of you like one of Ebenezer Scrooge’s ghostly visitors. The first step in overcoming a problem is to admit it exists.  King George acknowledged his problem.  He didn’t hide from it, blame others, or try to make excuses.

When we face problems in our own lives, we have to look them in the eye, take ownership of them, and set out to find the solution. Pointing fingers never accomplishes a darn thing. Even if King George had a specific person in his life who he felt caused his problem – what good would pointing the finger at him or her do?  What good would come from unleashing hate and revenge?  Wouldn’t the speech problem still exist?

Why waste that kind of energy?

If you have a particular problem in your life, stop concerning yourself with the Why’s, Who’s, and How Come’s. In the time some people spend chastising and belittling others for not “measuring up,” they could create a masterpiece in their own life.

Shouldn’t that be the plan?

Don’t find blame. Find answers.  Acknowledge your problem and accept it as that: YOUR problem.

Mile Marker #2: PRESSURE

Was the heat ever on poor King George?! He had the speech of his life coming up!  George had a lifetime of struggles with this cursed problem, and each time he’d squared off against the enemy (his speech problem), it had won.  It had the last laugh – each time.  How could he DARE hope this time would be any different?  His people, and the country he dearly loved, needed him now more than ever before and he was up to his crown in a pressure cooker.

Most of us know the feeling, whether a crown is or isn’t on top of our head.  Finances, relationships, careers, education, mortgages, health, challenges…. We all feel pressure.  Sometimes we put it on ourselves, and other times someone else has the honor.

This the intersection where most people jump off the road.

When she was around 3 or 4, our daughter Brittany was sick with one of those lovely wintertime viruses.  The kind that aren’t serious but make you feel seriously sick.  For this little live wire, being sick was a complete and utter inconvenience and seeing her so lifeless broke all of our hearts.  I remember the entire scene just like it was yesterday.  She had on a little yellow gown with Snow White (with her elves in tow) on the front.  I had made a comfortable place for her in the den with pillows behind her, orange juice nearby, and cartoons on the tv.  I’d given her her favorite coloring books and crayons but she didn’t even have the energy to color.

My dad, who knew one of his little angels was sick, came by on his lunch break.  He’d brought something special for her (and her sisters) but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.  The gown I’m all over, but what the loving grandfather brought isn’t clear.  (Just like a female to remember the clothes.)  He sat on the floor beside her and said, “How do you feel, baby doll?”

Brittany weakly said, “A little bit good and a whole bunch bad.”  I laughed.  My dad melted.

Anyway, Pressure feels a little bit good and a whole bunch bad.  On second thought, maybe it doesn’t feel good at all.  Which is why so many bail when it hits.

As I said earlier, who knows what would have happened if King George had been a quitter instead of a fighter.

Mile Marker #3:  PURPOSE

This one’s obvious. We have to have a purpose in life! If we have a problem that stands between us and our purpose – the answer’s pretty clear, the problem has to go.  King George’s purpose was great: He had to be the king his nation needed him to be.  In the face of war, his people needed someone they could count on, someone with conviction in his voice.  King George purposed in his heart to become that person.

He didn’t look at the circumstances and didn’t allow the problem or the pressure to keep him down.  He decided that his PURPOSE carried more weight than either his PROBLEM or his PRESSURE.

That’s exactly what we all must determine.  Purpose > Problem and Purpose > Pressure.   Not Purpose = Problem or Purpose = Pressure and darn sure not Purpose < Problem or Purpose < Pressure.

Every now and then I just like to prove to my math teachers that, contrary to popular belief, sometimes I actually did pay attention.

Mile Marker #4:  POWER

There are many sources of power – and there’s no way on earth (or off) I’d ever try to lessen any of them. Whether it’s the single greatest power on earth (from God, Himself),  the power that can change the world (Love), or the power that defies all reason (the power of family and friends) – power is all around us.  When we want to do great things or overcome great obstacles, we’d be smart to call upon all the power we can.  It’s always my first course of action!

King George had a very powerful team in Lionel and Elizabeth.  Without them, I’m not 100 percent sure the speech would have gone as well as it did.  However, for the purpose of this post, I want to address the power that, had it been absent, I AM 100 percent sure the speech would have failed…

The power from within. King George would not have…  could not have….  achieved anything great solely on the power from Lionel or Elizabeth.  You and I can not… will not… achieve anything great solely on the power from those around us.

The kind of power it takes to move obstacles and jump over hurdles comes from deep inside. Sometimes you have to dig deep.  Sometimes, like King George, years and years of disappointment and pain build up a wall of resistance.  Our defenses are up, so to speak.  Renovations often have to take place inside before we can take the first step. King George had to dig deep – PAST pain, humiliation, disappointment, embarrassment, and shame.

What he found on the other side of all THAT was THIS – power to overcome and power to have the last laugh.

The power is inside all of us, we simply have to dig deep and find it.  Once we have acknowledged our problem, have gone toe to toe and nose to nose with pressure, determined our purpose, and gotten in touch with our power… it’s time to lay it all on the line.

Mile Marker #5: PLAN

That’s right, it’s time to plan.  You know the saying, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  Whatever it is you want to accomplish, don’t sit on the sidelines, waiting for it to happen.  Remember the little girl on the couch a few paragraphs ago?   Let’s just say she doesn’t wear Snow White gowns anymore.  She is still beautiful, hilarious, and full of life though.  It still breaks my heart to see her sick and… yes, she is still my baby.  Always will be.  A few days ago we were talking about something in particular and I basically asked her if she was planning for it.  She laughed and said that she guessed she just thought it’d happen.

As someone who all too often operates the exact same way, I had to laugh too.

Whatever it is you want in life, or from life, requires a plan.  If you do nothing else today – I hope you’ll think about one particular goal and literally write out a plan to make it happen.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  I don’t guess any of us can hear that often enough.

Mile Marker #6:  PERSEVERANCE

The first part of any journey can be the toughest – whether it’s a journey to lose weight, launch a business, overcome a destructive habit, or conquer stuttering in order to deliver the speech of a lifetime.  Setting out on the course takes a great deal of courage.  Standing up to pressure without batting an eye takes conviction.  Digging deep for power and purpose takes strength.  Making a plan takes boldness.

Wouldn’t it be a shame of epic proportions to achieve all of THAT just to throw it all away.  Whew, fortunately that never happens, right?  No one ever loses weight just to gain it back.  No one ever quits smoking just to pick the habit up all over again.  No one ever squanders a fortune they worked years for or throws away a good name they spent a lifetime earning…

Right??!?! Right?  Oh.  That’s right, it happens all the time.

A lot of people excel at planning, some are even wonderful at addressing problems and dreaming up solutions.  There are even some people who could light up a major city with the power they generate.  However, few… precious few… have what it takes to really make it to the finish line because they start strong and finish weak.  They have the boldness to begin but lack the conviction to follow through and the courage to finish.

Make no mistake about it, perseverance is the most important mile marker of the six.  Why?  Simple – she has the power to undo ALL of the others.   Years of overcoming obstacles, powering through pressure, silencing critics, and achieving your wildest dreams can all be wiped out by this one mile marker.   She can make it as though none of it ever happened – sending you right back to the start.

Don’t let this happen to you.  Think of it this way:  By perseverance, the snails reached the ark. Can’t you picture this cute diminutive couple as the sky began to turn dark?  As other larger, decidedly faster animals gracefully made their way to safety, it would have been easy for the speed-challenged snails to pucker up and kiss their tails goodbye.  They could’ve thought, “Well, life’s been sweet but this is where we check out.”

Not an option.

They set out – slow and steady – for their destination.  Watching hundreds of legs sprint past couldn’t have been fun, but they kept on keeping on.  The snails knew the right time and the right place to quit.

How about you? Do you know the right time and the right place to quit?  Think about that for a second.

If you answered, “When you get to your goal… when you have success… that’s the right time and place to quit,”  you may be surprised to hear that you’re not just wrong, you’re dead wrong.

The right answer is NEVER. It is NEVER the right time or the right place to quit.  The minute you think you can sit back, put your feet up, and bask in your victory is the minute you begin sliding back to the start line.   Keep digging deep, keep finding the power inside, keep your purpose in front of you, and use pressure to work FOR you. Let it propel you further down the road than you’d be able to go on your own.

Look pressure in the eye and say, “Thanks! I needed that push.”  That ought to catch him off guard.

When you need answers, find them.  When you need a plan, make it.  When action is called for, take it. Most importantly, remember the right time and the right place to quit.  NEVER!

The poster at the top of the post can be found here. (Pssst, see the movie. When it leaves theaters, BUY the movie. Whatever you do… watch this beautiful movie. In spite of my makeshift review!)