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Dealing with Hatred and Intolerance the Right Way Rather than the Easy Way

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Alexa and Adam

You can either fall in love or fall in hate.  The choice is yours, but you’ll look a lot better with love on your psyche than hate.

In replying to a recent comment left on an earlier post, Overcoming Hatred and Intolerance with Love and Tolerance, I started thinking about the haters of the world.  As I was reading the comment left  on the post, I have to admit – I felt straight up anger for anyone who would show such hatred toward another person.  The thought of one person treating another with so much hatred that it interfered with their life makes me see red.

Then I stepped back for a minute (out of the red) and realized that anger isn’t the appropriate response.  Pity is.

My husband’s older sister, Mary Catherine, was a hard-working, hilarious, full of life, spirited, fun to be around woman.  She could make some of the best biscuits you ever ate, too!  She loved dogs and ABC soap operas.  She collected elephant figurines and Native American  statues.  She’s also one of the rare people that could hang with me, cup for cup, when drinking coffee.   I respected the heck out of that.

She was also gay.

Sadly, I have to say “was” because she was killed in a mining accident several years back.  The thought of anyone treating her with hatred or intolerance seems unthinkable  to me.  After all, she led her own life and wouldn’t  do anyone any harm –  unless, of course, they harmed one of her dogs.   Then there might have been trouble.   I respected the heck out of that, too.

I just don’t get why people have to involve themselves in what other people do or don’t do.  Come on.  If I can be blunt for a minute:  If you aren’t invited into the bedroom, what does it matter to you what goes on there?!  You can agree or you can disagree with other people’s lifestyles, choices, habits, loves, hates, and so on.  You’ve got that right – just as they can agree or disagree with your’s.

You can like or dislike the way a person looks, dresses, or drinks their tea – just as they can have qualms with your  style or looks.

We’re all different, after all, and we all have our way of doing things.  What’s perfectly beautiful to one person may be a hot mess to another.  Look at the different cultures around the world!  People who expect everyone else to look  just like them bore me to tears.   I’m much more drawn to people who don’t just expect diversity in the world, they insist upon it.

If you experience hatred from others, for whatever reasons, realize that you have two choices:

  1. You can be drug down to the hater’s level.  If you aren’t careful, hatred can rub off on you and.  Then, before you even realize what’s happening, you’ll be just as angry.  You’ll become just as intolerant.  And you’ll be filled with just as much hatred as they are.  Believe me, it won’t look any better on you than it does on them.  No one ever wears hatred well.
  2. You can rise to a level the hater’s will never know.  If you recognize their hatred for what it is (a crippling weakness), and find it within yourself to feel pity for them, you will have experienced the kind of growth that a hater will never know.  Don’t return their scowls with scowls of your own – smile!  Come on, give them the brightest, sweetest smile you have in your arsenal.

There’s a lady who has to be in her 70’s who works at a local candy store in the mall.  My daughters and I spend a ridiculous amount of time at the mall, so I see this lady in action almost daily.  When there are young people in the vicinity, she’ll come to the front of the store and scowl a nasty, hateful scowl.  She drives me nuts.  One day an  adorable little black girl (about 8 or 9) stopped to look at a beanie baby display.  I  slowed my walking down because I kind of suspected what would come next.  Sure enough, here came “Sunshine” practically running to the front of the store, staring the little girl down the whole way.  She didn’t even smile at the child, let alone speak to her.

I have to admit, I preach and teach tolerance and kindness but I was 2  hearbeats away from taking the lady to the side and giving her a piece of my mind!  Just then the little girl’s mom came up and took her daughter’s hand.  She smiled at “Sunshine” and said, “She’s just looking.”   The worker still didn’t say anything.

The worker caught my eye and I gave her an icy look that I hoped pierced her skin.

I felt nothing but anger for the rest of  the afternoon.  Then, I started thinking – she’s the one that lives with that hatred all day and all night.  The little girl only feels it occasionally.  And the mom?  Well, the mom (with patience and understanding most of us couldn’t muster)  obviously learned long ago to rise above haters.  I felt angry FOR them until I realized that they weren’t the victims.  “Sunshine” is the victim.  She’s the one that has to see one of the ugliest things in the world every time she looks in the mirror – hate.

She can never escape herself or her hatred.  She eats breakfast with it, she watches tv with it, she has lunch and dinner with it, and she sleeps with it.  She is most definitely the victim, and I began to feel a little bit sorry for her.   I still wished with all my might that I’d asked her, “How does it feel to have been so completely outclassed?” –  but, I’m trying to feel more tolerance.

As for haters, there’s hope for them too.  If you have any hate at all residing in your heart, recognize it for what it is: POISON.  It’s a poison that will cripple you if you don’t find a way to get rid of it. Set the hatred across from you  at your kitchen table and grill it.  What has it ever done for you?  Where has it gotten you?  What friends has it won you?

What has it cost you?  Has it ruined your reputation?  Would people think of you as a hateful person?

Once you recognize the hatred in your heart, you’ll be well on your way to dealing with it.  Another comment that was left on a different post (A Totally and Completely Free Make-Over), hit the nail on the head.  This post was dealing with being kind to others and treating them as good as you possibly can.  The comment left included this wonderful advice, “My rule of thumb is to never say something you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. I try not to even *think* mocking or rude thoughts about someone…”   She hit it square on the head.  Everything begins in the mind – so if you can stop it in its tracks, chances are it’ll never see the light of day (as in coming out of your pie hole!).

When my girls were little, I’d always teach them the importance of positive thoughts – whether they were about one another, schoolwork, chores, or whatever.  Positive thoughts bring about positive actions and positive words.  The same is true of negative thoughts.  So, take the great advice left in the comments and keep a close eye on your thoughts.

You’ll have far less apologies to make if you do.  And far less “Must Save the World” bloggers wanting to get all kinds of sassy with you.

A Total and Completely Free Make-Over!

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Have you ever known someone who seemed to delight in making fun of or mocking other people?  They mock the way they talk, laugh at the way they walk, criticize the way they dress, and so on.

Fun people to be around, right?!

Here’s the thing, if you aren’t careful, they’ll rub off on you and you’ll soon be the sort of person who mocks and constantly makes fun of people too.

The remedy?  Think of someone you’ve watched, first hand, making fun of another person.  Maybe they were mocking their laugh or demonstrating how they walk.

How attractive did it make them?  Who came off looking worse, the ridiculer or the ridiculed?  Unless overgrown 5 year olds float your boat, you never want to look that ugly.

Make no mistake about it – no one is at her or his best when they’re knocking others down or around.  However, everyone is at their most attractive when they’re kind, considerate and respectful.

You’re only as attractive as your actions.

Your Relationships – A Fast and Painless Way to Make Them Even Better

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Beautiful, Happy Family

ex⋅pec⋅ta⋅tion – noun
1. the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2. the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3. an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
4. something expected; a thing looked forward to.
5. Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.
6. the degree of probability that something will occur

Relationships fascinate me, which makes perfect sense since people fascinate me.  I guess it’s only right that the way people interact and treat one another would be fascinating to me as well.

I love to see how people react to others, the tones of voice they use with different people, the things that get under their skin, which people they pull out all the stops with (setting their personality dial to HIGH and turning their humor dial all the way up to HILARIOUS), how they treat those they say they love, etc.

Ironically, it’s often the people who mean the most to us who often forget just how charming or funny we can be.

Quite a few years ago, we were going through lean times, financially.  My husband was working at a job he didn’t exactly love and we were feeling the stress of a large family vs. a small income.   We didn’t fight or bicker – but he was seldom in a charming mood when he came home from work.  Then, when he sat down at the table to pay bills…. Even the cats hid!

One day after church, he was talking with some of  his friends.  One of the guys walked over to me and said, “Mike is such a funny guy, he must keep you in stitches.”  I smiled and said “Sure does!” but, on the inside I was thinking, “He’s funny?  Him? Oh, yeah, wait… I remember now. Yeah, he once had the best sense of humor in the world.”

He still had it, the people who lived under the same roof as him just didn’t see it as much as others did.

This is actually pretty consistent with relationships. We EXPECT our family to love us, we EXPECT our family to think we’re the bee’s knees, we EXPECT them to think we’re funny, charming, intelligent, etc.  We don’t EXPECT everyone else to, so we work a little harder on them – turn the dials up as high as they’ll go when necessary.  Only to turn them back down when we get home.

Needless to say, that’s not how it should be.  We all know that, right?  Can you imagine how few arguments and divorces there would be if husbands treated their wives as well as they did their best client, their boss, or their closest friends?  What if the wife treated her husband as sweetly and patiently as she did her son or daughter?

Let that sink in for a minute and think about the beautiful relationships that’d be enjoyed.

We get comfortable.  That’s one of the biggest factors.  Think of it this way:  I’m sitting in my husband’s computer chair with my legs folded in the chair with me.  I’m barefoot, I have my hair pulled back into a topknot, black and pink polka dot pajamas on, without a stitch of make-up on. In fact, I just washed off a facial mask, so there may or may not be white clay-looking stuff in an eyebrow or two.  As an extra dose of lovely, I’m chewing on a Starbuck’s straw.  (Are you turned on yet?!?!)

Would I go to Applebee’s like this? I wouldn’t even go through a drive-thru like this!

But I’m home.  The only ones who see me tonight are my 3 daughters and my cat Alexa.  It’s home.  It’s comfortable.

The people in our lives – especially our spouses – become home for us. They become so comfortable, in fact, that a couple who has been married for a lot of years can ride along in a vehicle without saying a word for over an hour, just enjoying the togetherness.  We’re home.

We should all pay more attention to how we treat those who we love the most.  They should get our best, not our worst.  Being comfortable is one thing, but being neglectful is another.

I think we also have problems in our relationships when we expect too much. What would you say if your co-worker told you that her son got a B+ in College Algebra?  If you’re like me, you’d think, “Wow! Smart kid.”  You’d think how proud his parents must be of him.  However, if your own child got a B+, be honest, one of the things you’d think (if not immediately, at least a little later) is, “Aww, man, so close to an A!”

We expect the world from those closest to us.  We females expect our husbands to lavish us with compliments, rub our necks, and be as attentive as they were on our first date.

Males expect pretty much the same, but throw in a tall glass of iced tea and a couple of sandwiches.  Often, when what we’re EXPECTING doesn’t measure up with what we GET, we’re disappointed and it’s written all over our face.

Mothers expect their children to get straight A’s, keep their room spotless, mind their manners, and always make them proud.

Fathers expect pretty much the same thing, but throw in a tall glass of iced tea and a couple of sandwiches.

Perhaps it’d be beneficial to our relationships, and to our families, if we occasionally tossed out the expectations.  Nine times out of ten we’d be blown away by how wonderful these people are who we often take for granted.

Always look for the good in everybody, then when you find it – never let it out of your sight. This is never more important than when we’re dealing with our loved ones.



Angel Animals – Book of Inspiration by Allen and Linda Anderson

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Angel Animals Book of Inspiration by Allen and Linda Anderson

I just finished a book that can only be described as completely beautiful and precious. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I’m all kinds of animal obsessed. So much so that the term animal lover just doesn’t seem to cover it. We have 3 cats (plus a few strays that I’ve already named, but can’t quite touch yet), 3 hamsters, and a host of cuties that come into our yard each day and night. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do name our possums, rabbits, and raccoons. You have not seen cute until you’ve seen a raccoon with a bunch of grapes!

We currently have 4 bird feeders and I’d name my feathered friends as well, but they number in the gazillions.  Besides I don’t have to call them for them to flock to me.  All it takes is the rattling of bird seed, a bag of popcorn, or a loaf of bread.

Our dog, sadly, passed away over a year ago and we haven’t gotten another one yet. I’m working on my husband as well as our outside cats. None are budging, yet, but if the hubby remembers how much he loved walking Wednesday, at least he may reconsider.

Anyway, a few of my favorite authors are also animal lovers extraordinaire: Allen and Linda Anderson. This book is their latest: Angel Animals Book of Inspiration: Divine Messengers of Wisdom and Compassion.  It’s also probably my favorite book of theirs.

A few days ago, I posted about one of the stories in this wonderful book on my Dream Blog, click the link to read it – the story is about an iguana (oooh, I’ve never had one of those).  The story is very interesting.

This beautiful book is available on Amazon for just a little over $10 – are you kidding me?! You could buy one for every animal lover you know and have birthday, Father’s Day, and Christmas gifts that will make them smile ear to proverbial ear.

Angel Animals Book of Inspiration: Divine Messengers of Wisdom and Compassion is a collection of true stories by animal lovers – all about the remarkable animals that have touched their lives.

These are animals that’ll make you smile, laugh, and sometimes even cry. As they’re moving your emotions and stirring your heart, they’ll also inspire you and touch you in a way that you’ll want to share with others. I’ve already shared a few stories with my daughters and their boyfriends. When it comes to animal lovers, my youngest daughter’s boyfriend is a kindred spirit. When they first started dating, there was a big snake on our patio, completely uninvited. That’s where this animal lover draws the DO NOT CROSS line. When this young man saw the snake, his face lit up. When most people would have tried to kill the animal, he took the time to catch it and take it to a field to release it safely. He even talked sweetly to it the entire time – the way I talk to animals with fur and feathers. If I’m not mistaken, he called it baby once.

A sentiment I couldn’t get entirely behind, but I knew the kid was a soul mate.

You’ll want to share these beautiful stories with all of the animal lovers in your life – even the snake handlers.

“As a lifelong animal lover, I am delighted to see them celebrated in such a positive way. You and your pet will enjoy reading this together.” – Betty White

Some of the animals you’ll fall in love with are:
Richard Simmons’ beautiful Dalmations
A Llama with wings!
Cassidy the blue eyed cat
The Dolphin who loved the song “Amazing Grace”
Jasper, a neglected cat who was fortunate enough to be adopted by very sweet and loving parents
And too many more to even list… including, of course, the iguana I mentioned above.

The stories in Angel Animals Book of Inspiration: Divine Messengers of Wisdom and Compassion made me think more about the animals in my own life – how they’ve helped us through hard times and how they’ve touched us in ways we didn’t think possible.

One instance that comes to mind involves my mother. Right after my dad passed away, their beautiful lab had to be put to sleep. What was a heartbreaking time for all of us was about as close to unbearable as possible for my mother. Mom, was also an extreme animal lover, understandably was going through an extremely hard time. One afternoon, she looked out her front door and saw an adorable, frisky, white, little dog staring back at her – wagging his tail so much that it nearly knocked him down! Naturally, she brought him inside. She contacted the local radio stations and put up a few “missing dog” posters. Deep down, I somehow knew that an “owner” wouldn’t show up. I knew the owner was her – because, frankly, I’ve seen God work before and am familiar with His style.

I’ve known many, many dogs in my life but I can honestly say that this dog had the sweetest nature of any dog I’ve ever met. He was simply a joy to be around. He was playful, loving, sweet, and possessed an incredible sense of humor. As all pet lovers know, all animals have different levels of humor. This little dog was a riot and seemed to love NOTHING more than making our mom laugh.

Like I said, I’m familiar with God’s style.

Please grab at least one copy of this book, it won’t just touch your heart, it’ll gently squeeze it.

Protecting Children from Other Children

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Blowing Bubbles

I was recently horrified by something I saw on television. It made my hands clammy, my stomach sick, and broke my heart into a billion pieces. I couldn’t sleep that night because my mind wouldn’t let go of the heart-breaking tragedy and senseless suffering. It wasn’t a horror movie, an episode of Fringe (love), or even a Swine Flu story. It was beyond anything these could ever dream up.

It was the story of a young boy who killed himself. Unless you’re familiar with the story, you may initially think the young boy was in his early twenties or a teenager. Would it stop you cold in your tracks to know he was a fifth grader? Hence the clammy hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m greatly disturbed by anyone committing suicide – after all, the next day or even the next hour could right the ship and turn their life entirely around. The next person they spoke to could have JUST the thing they need to hear. Suicide is one of the most senseless and heartbreaking things I can imagine. Murdering yourself? I can’t even imagine the sort of extreme pain and helplessness that goes on inside of someone’s mind right before they end their own life.  But a child?  What a complete and total tragedy.

In this case, this little boy was the victim of bullies at school. According to his mother, he had complained to the school authorities but they had failed to do anything. If that’s the case, it’s something they’ll live with forever.

However, can I say something without seeming like a total jerk? If my child were being bullied at school, I wouldn’t have left it to the school authorities.  I would have gone to the parents of the bullies:  Face to face.  Never leave something entirely up to someone else, chances are they’ll fail you – don’t give them that chance.

In everyone’s defense, this is an entirely different generation that we’re dealing with here. Think back to an episode of Andy Griffith – the one where Opie is being bullied by a little chump who wants Opie’s lunch money. Andy decides to let Opie take care of it and, by the end of the show, Opie has a black eye – but he also has his lunch money.

I’m afraid that a lot of parents and school authorities seem to think they’re in Mayberry in the 1960s. Can you say, Far freaking from it?

The little boy who hung himself was being called ugly,  gay and “the Virgin” (because he was from the Virgin Islands) at school.  On his last day on earth, he didn’t want to go to school. I’m certain it was far too painful. When he came home from school, he went up to his room and hung himself with a belt in his closet. A fourth grader! A baby! And I’m getting sick again.

I wasn’t going to write about this simply because it’s such a painful and tragic subject. However, I can’t NOT write about it. Why? Because it’s such a painful and tragic subject – and one I hope to never see or read about ever again. I’m urging everyone to speak out against bullying, name calling, and intolerance. In our society, in our daily conversations, in our blogging, in our jokes, and so on.

  • How many times does the average person use derogatory, ugly names in regards to someone who looks different from them?
  • How many times does a child hear their parents criticize another person because they look different from how THEY think they should look?
  • How often does a son hear his dad make jokes about the sexual orientation of another person – treating them as though they aren’t even human?
  • How often does a daughter see hear mother use racial slurs?

Why can’t more people simply live their own life, enjoy themselves, have fun, try to help make the world a better, happier place and allow others to do the same?  WHY bully?  WHY make fun of people? WHY sneer at others?  WHY tell jokes that aren’t even remotely funny? People who have ever taken part in this sort of thing – I wish they could have watched the news story with me, because afterward I would have loved to have asked them, “Are you still laughing?’

This little boy looked different from the other kids and they pounced on him like wolves on a rabbit.  Like so many adults, they seemed to think they were the “norm,” that they were somehow superior – so they belittled, bullied, picked, and prodded an innocent child.  To death.

If you have children, grandchildren, or younger brothers and sisters, keep the lines of communication open. Explain to them the dangers (and vileness) of bullying and calling other people names. For crying out loud, be certain that you don’t do it, yourself – not even jokingly.  Trust me, it isn’t funny.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy such as this to educate people. Let’s make sure that that is exactly what happens. Personally, I think that most people (especially children) who bully are actually very unhappy. More times than not, they’re trying to fill a void in their own life. All the more reason to reach out to them.

Children should be taught that:

  • Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world a fascinating and interesting place to live.  They are JUST as different and original as anyone else they see.
  • Racism and intolerance are ugly, far uglier than the worst monster they can imagine. Hatred makes the individual who owns it ugly.  Point out to them that it’s the same as holding a red marker in your hand, without its lid.  The ink comes out and stains your hand.  If we hold hatred in our hearts and minds, ugliness and bitterness come out and stain all of us – not just our hands.
  • Illustrate your point with a box of crayons. Show the child how beautiful all of the different colors are.  Ask him or her how interested they’d be in a box where each and every crayon was the same color?!  Each pictured they colored would be entirely in that color alone.  Boring.
  • They should know that they will be punished if you ever find out they have bullied or made fun of another person. Let the child know that you have ZERO tolerance for them being cruel to another person.  Tell them that if this ever happens, they’ll find out exactly what grounded means!
  • Children should know that television is totally make believe. Reality television is kind of  blurring the lines for children, I’m afraid.  How could it not?!  It blurs the lines for some adults.  Always be extremely careful what young children watch on television and try to always watch their shows with them.   Don’t hesitate to hit pause during a show or movie to explain a situation to them.

Adults should know that:

  • Children are watching you.
  • Children are listening to you.
  • Children look up to you and imitate you, whether you realize it or not.

Hug the children in your life, take them out for a sundae, and have a really long talk with them. Chocolate therapy and hugs can make a difference…. and believe me one needs to be made.