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Self Improvement 101 – How to Strengthen Your Mindset

November 10, 2008 by Joi 2 Comments

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Now, there’s a question you’ve probably read or heard a thousand and one times. You probably even answer the question most of the time.

But, why exactly, do people in the self improvement industry find this question to be so vitally important? And why is your answer even more important?

It all comes down to one of my favorite words: Mindset. Consider the definition from Dictionary.com:

mindset – noun
1. an attitude, disposition, or mood.
2. an intention or inclination.

….an intention or inclination. According to it’s own biography, your mindset will, ultimately, carry you to one of three places: In the right direction, in the wrong direction, or in no direction.

[shareable]Your mindset will, ultimately, carry you to one of three places: In the right direction, in the wrong direction, or in no direction.[/shareable]

If we are optimistic and positive, our mindset will take on a “I can do it!… I must do it!…” attitude. However, if we give in to doubts and insecurities and are pessimistic, our mindset will have more ????s than !!!!s – and that’s never a good thing.

I mean that’s never a good thing!!!

Pessimists will be doomed by gloom – unless they recognize the problem and change their mindset.

We are no greater than our weakest thoughts, no stronger than our gravest doubts and we’ll go no further than our chains of insecurity allow us to.

If we are the walking, talking result of our mindset (and we are), how important must it be to get our optimistic thoughts in line?

Interactive Exercise

Grab a pen and two sheets of paper. You guessed it – here comes a self help exercise.

At the top of one paper, write “WHERE I AM” and at the top of the other page write “WHERE I’M GOING.” Divide the “WHERE I AM” page into categories and write one of these six headings in each:

APPEARANCE
CONVERSATION
WRITTEN COMMUNICATION
RELATIONSHIPS
KNOWLEDGE
WARDROBE

Without “over thinking,” go through each one and rate your level of confidence. 1 being, “I am all over this one! Seriously, this is my thing.” A 10 would indicate an area where you feel you are extremely weak – an area that makes you want to hide in your room and eat soup.

Don’t try to talk yourself up a number or down a dumber – just go with your gut feeling. I promise not to look.

After you’ve written your numbers down, go to the “WHERE I’M GOING” page. Start with your lowest number: Write the lowest number and its heading down. Then you’re going to brainstorm and come up with ways to make that number higher.

For example: My lowest number was “wardrobe.” I’ve got more confidence in my pajamas than most of my clothes. The reason for this is simple: I’m just not that into clothes. I LOVE purses, jewelry, perfume, but clothes? Whatever. Maybe it comes from being a mother of 3, a cooking addict, or from being such a homebody – I’d just MUCH rather spend money on my girls, cats, kitchen, or pretty things for the house.

When I wrote down my tiny little numberical score for wardrobe, I thought, “Girl, it’s time to start dressing yourself in a way you’ll feel good about.”

When I was in high school and college (pre-babies, pre-kitchen gadgets, pre-throw pillows, pre-astronomical grocery bills…), I loved clothes. I had more Calvin Klein jeans than Brooke Shields, and shoes in every color. Most of the workers in the mall stores knew me on a first name basis.

Back to your second piece of paper – Keep going, until you’ve gotten to the good stuff – your highest numbers. When you get to those, don’t just write, “Keep on keeping on, baby…” Think of ways to challenge yourself to keep growing in that area.

That way, when you start concentrating on bringing up your weak areas, your strong ones won’t suffer.

Example: If you give yourself a 10 for your knowledge, challenge yourself to start reading more than you do now. It could be as simple as one of the following:

Find an educational program each week on the Discovery Channel or History Channel to watch.
Subscribe to a great new magazine. My favorites are SUCCESS, Psychology Today, National Geographic, Time, Newsweek, American Heritage, Discover. My husband gets a couple of interesting historical magazines: Civil War Times and America’s Civil War.
Dig that library card out of your wallet or billfold and let it see the light of day again. Check out a wide variety of fascinating books.. and read them cover to cover.

When you come face to face with a category in which you scored below 6, asking yourself “why?“ will help you figure out what you need to do. If you aren’t as confident in, say, appearance as you’d like to be, ask “Why?” A new hairstyle, new makeup, or new relationship with food may be in order.

The point is… begin moving in the right direction – one step at a time.

In the next post, I’ll write more ideas for higher numbers in the other categories. I have to take my cat, Alexa, to the doctor right now.

Hmmm, now what will I wear?

Part 2: Strengthen Your Mindset

Post Election Post: A Time to Celebrate, Heal, and Move Forward

November 6, 2008 by Joi 2 Comments

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin Luther King, Jr. is one of my personal heroes. This great man isn’t just a hero or role-model for people of his race, he’s a hero for all of us. He’s a role model and source of inspiration for anyone who applauds true bravery and cherishes a human spirit that refuses to give up or to be counted out.

The recent election had everyone talking more about race than they have in a long time, but to tell you the truth, I don’t believe this election was decided by race. I honestly believe that President Elect Barack Obama would have won if he had been as white as the driven snow. I think it came down to issues (namely the economy, taxes, and MOST DEFINITELY the war) and age.

However, the fact that our next president happens to be African American should touch every American’s heart. Even the individual who is so hardened that he/she can’t rejoice with our black fellow Americans should rejoice in the fact that this reflects beautifully on our country – specifically on Americans.

“I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of our greatest sources of shame in this country is the history of slavery. People in our generation are completely and deeply shocked that anything like that ever existed on our soil. We’re repulsed by the fact that human beings ever treated one another that way. (I remember in High School, during a heart-wrenching lesson about slavery, a history teacher of mine tearing up and having to leave the room for a few minutes.

To think that we’ve come this far causes tears to come again, but they’re from a different source this time. It’s not pain – it’s pride. It’s not shame – it’s success. It’s not horror – it’s hope.

When the phrase, “Yes we can” is whispered, spoken, or shouted, remember the we is all of us. We have come so far and I’m so full of pride in my country that I can scarcely sit still – and it’s not caffeine that’s making me antsy for once.

“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I only hope, as everyone else does, that we’ll all come together as one now. John McCain represented the country he loves and his political party beautifully and he’ll continue to do so. I hope that his supporters, as well as Barack Obama’s supporters, will all come together and fight on the same side – America’s. Our country is still the most beautiful country on earth and Americans are (and should be) extremely proud to be Americans.

Hopefully, we’ll pull together and show the rest of the world that, quite frankly, we just got a little stronger.

CNN senior political analyst and Harvard professor David Gergen (who has the distinction of having been an adviser to four presidents—Republicans Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan, and Democrat Bill Clinton) recently pointed out, in an interview on television, that President-elect Obama’s victory is a huge step forward for our entire nation.

Growing up in the 60’s in North Carolina, David Gergen witnessed firsthand the positive effects the civil rights era had on our nation. I’ll end the post with a quote Mr. Gergen gave during this interview. I think it sums everything up beautifully:

“What I learned then is something that Lincoln said way back earlier: That when one group advances in this country, we all advance.”

Beautiful.

How to MAKE Good Habits, While BREAKING Bad Habits

October 26, 2008 by Joi 7 Comments

Habits are to your life pretty much what gas is to your car. They keep you moving along – but whether they carry you to a better place or not depends entirely on the habit.

Bad habits can hold talented people back while good habits carry less talented people on ahead.

Many, many posts can be written on bad habits (in fact, they have), but essentially, we’ll get rid of our bad habits when we’ve finally had enough of them. I don’t want to spend too much time with bad habits in this post, I’d rather approach habits with another tactic – by focusing on good habits.

How about this? Let’s apopt so many great habits that we put the squeeze play on bad habits. I’m thinking that if we add about 10, that’ll leave less room for the bad crowd. I remember a television special about healthy eating that aired a few years ago. A nutritionist pointed out that if you fill your plate up with healthy vegetables and fruit, you actually get to eat more food. All you have to do is replace the unhealthy food with healthier alternatives – and you almost always get to enjoy more of the healthy food.

“Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow.” – Yiddish Proverb

The good squeezes out the bad, so you’re left with a double-sided win: You get rid of things that are bad for you and you make room for things that are good for you.

So what sort of healthy habits could we bring to our life’s plate? Below’s a buffet of suggestions, I know you’ll be able to come up with more. Come up with as many as you want, of course, but remember that “bite-sized” portions are always easiest to handle. Don’t put more on your plate than you’ll actually be able to eat!

Start getting up a little earlier. I realize that when the weather’s cool it’s really tough to start getting up earlier. The body wants to sleep later, for crying out loud! But, I’ve been on both sides of the 6:00 am, and I can say, without hesitation, that every corner of your day will be better if you get a running start at it. Also, the quiet hours of the morning are the perfect way to glide into your day. Rushing around after being summoned by a hateful alarm clock isn’t good for the psyche. Mornings just weren’t meant to be so hectic.
Read more. When you open a book, you open your mind and literally pour knowledge into it. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is power.
Laugh more. Laughter is great for you – body and soul. It doesn’t matter if anyone laughs with you, it doesn’t matter if anyone laughs at you. Just laugh!
Complain less. Starting tomorrow, do a little self improvement exercise: Each time you feel tempted to say something negative, make yourself say something positive instead. I’ve never understood why anyone would want to spread misery and gloominess. I always wonder, “Do they hate life that much?”
Drink more water. I read a lot of articles and books about health and there are several things they all agree on (the other is right on this one’s heels at #6!). One of the things every physician, health expert, nutritionist, and great aunt tells us is this: Drink more water. There has to be something to it.
Get at least 30 minutes of activity each day. Bronchitis has had me in a choke hold for weeks, but I was feeling a lot better today. So I did some intense work around the house. I expected to feel like I’d been hit by a bus afterwards, but I feel great. I’d been sitting on my duff and sipping soup for so long I’d forgotten how good it feels to be active.
Stop assuming people know how you feel. Even if they have an idea, do you know how much it will mean to them if you tell them? Most of us can recall certain things that our loved ones have said to us that meant the world. In fact, the words meant so much that we still carry them around with us today. Maybe it was a dad saying, “I’m SO proud of you.” Maybe it was a mother telling us that we’re just the daughter/son she’d always hoped for. Why is it that so often it’s when we’re in the middle of altercations that these sentiments come out? Then, they’re often followed with a “But…” Any sentiment followed by a but isn’t much of a sentiment! This tactic is simply the art of putting conditions on the words. They certainly aren’t the sentiments we carry with us. It’s the ones that come out of the blue – not as a prerequisite to what all we’re doing wrong and not to soften any blows. If you love someone, tell them every single day. If you’re proud of them, tell them – WITHOUT BUTS!
Put yourself in time-out. In the same way we put children in “time out” when they show signs of being stressed out or overly tired, we could benefit just as much. Sometimes our nerves just need to unravel and they can do that better when there isn’t a lot going on. Not only will you benefit by learning to just get away and unwind with a good old-fashioned time out, everyone around you will benefit, too. You’ll spare them the nightmare of watching you throw a temper tantrum.
Become a more aware and cautious driver. I have to admit that, as a teenager, I tended to drive pretty fast. But, years ago, I began to slow down and drive oh so much more carefully when I looked around me to see my vehicle surrounded by future drivers. They’re watching. What do they see? Even if there aren’t future drivers with you, paying attention to what’s going on around you can save lives at best, headaches at worst. Texting while driving, speeding, road rage, playing mind games (“Oh, yeah, if you want to get on my bumper, I’ll just slow down… You wanna hit me? Why, you can just buy me a new car, sucker…“) – these are all things that can get you killed, hurt, ticketed, or arrested. I don’t think we’re interested in any of those, are we?
Be thankful. People are filled to their eyeballs with negative thoughts and words lately – but we still have it amazingly good. I know I don’t have to tell you that – but I’m pretty sure we all need a reminder every now and again. I remember a shallow little wake up call I got one time while we were living in Florida. I had put on a tank top and shorts and was complaining to one of my daughters (oh, heck to anyone who’d listen) about my arms. They weren’t “tank top arms…” etc. I was cutting them up pretty good. Then we walked over to the beach and the first person I saw made me want to cry with shame. She was around 20 and only had one arm. I’ve never forgotten that day. And I honestly don’t believe I’ve complained about my arms since. Either of them. There’s a lot to said for being thankful for what we have, isn’t there?

When you ADD good habits to your day, you’ll actually BREAK bad habits without even realizing it. Now go pour yourself a glass of water and read a great book!

“You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, ‘I release the need for this in my life’.” – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Amazon.com Widgets

Coping With Empty Nest Syndrome

October 13, 2008 by Joi 6 Comments

My e-mail’s inbox has been an extremely exciting place lately. It seems that just about everyone has something on his or her mind.

I get a lot of e-mails requesting recipes (through my food blog), advice on caring for an older pet (from people who know we have a 8,548 year old cat named Prissy!), and requests for particular articles, tips, etc. If you’re one of the ones who e-mails me, keep it up! I love, love, love hearing from you. Even the man who suggested that coffee isn’t healthy and that I probably drink too much of it.

I told him I just didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life and that I was praying for him. I explained, of course that I was just kidding… about the first part, anyway.

I’ve gotten several e-mails lately dealing with Empty Nest Syndrome. Thanks be to God I don’t have to deal with that one yet. I actually have a very full nest and cherish every second. Not only are all three of our daughters still at home – most of the time, their boyfriends are here as well. With that many young people around, who needs television? !

However, a few nights ago, I did get a little taste of what an empty next would be like. My husband and all three girls and sons-I-never-had were out. One daughter was working, my husband was out of town, and the rest were exploring haunted houses in a nearby town. The house was so frightfully quiet, my cats and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves. I opted to clean, and the cats went the curl up and sleep route.

Something occurs to me – quiet is alien to me. If I had a magic wand, I’d make our home filled with young people 24/7.

I know that if I hear from several people who are dealing with an issue, many more are out there dealing with the same problem. So I thought I’d post my advice here – such as it is, in the humble hopes that maybe someone can find a little comfort or, at least, some coping advice they can put to use.

First of all, change how you think about the situation.

So many parents refer to this time as a “loss.” It may sound extreme, and I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but the only parent who can truly claim a “loss” is the parent who has lost a child. If your child is living, you haven’t lost anything! Admittedly, it’s a transition, a big one. As I said, my girls are still at home, but I certainly feel the transition. As they grow older, you’re no longer the center of their world. That certainly wouldn’t be normal, would it?! I don’t have ready “co-pilots” for trips to the store or McDonald’s like I once did. The trip’s a solo flight most of the time. I haven’t LOST my girls, though. I know where they are.

Life is full of transitions – and usually they’re transitions we’re certain (at the time) that we’ll never weather. Moving away from home and dealing with homesickness, losing a house, saying goodbye to a loved one, etc. Somehow, we come through transitions time after time. The trick is to keep plowing along and to fight. Never give in to emotions or lose yourself in a sea of sadness.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ll have sad moments. That’s perfectly understandable and you needn’t apologize for your feelings to anyone. Mothers have emotions that no one on earth can even come close to understanding. Someone once said that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child.

Must have been a mother who said it.

We also have a little nastiness known as hormones (Hello, Menopause) – and, as luck would have it, right around the time it hits us that our babies aren’t completely babies anymore is the time our hormones aren’t completely reasonable anymore. They don’t exactly lessen the blow, do they? In fact, they cause each blow to feel 12 times worse. Not. Good.

Add to that the fact that ALAO around this time, a lot of us are dealing with troubling situations with our own parents. For those fortunate enough to still have their parents living, whole new worries and concerns can arise.

An individual doesn’t have a midlife crisis – midlife is a crisis.

To get a “feel” for what many parents go through during this transitional time, I’ve researched message boards, blogs, magazine articles, and, frankly, my own inbox. It didn’t take long to realize that the first thing parents need to do is change the way they look at it. I read so many comments like, “It doesn’t get better…” and “I just keep waiting for the phone to ring..” etc.

Oh, snap!

It WILL get better if you allow it to – and watching for the phone to ring isn’t a good example of allowing it to. That’s a good example of wallowing. Anyone watching for the phone to ring, watching for a car in the driveway, or putting their life on PAUSE for any reason whatsoever needs to snap out of it right away.

Life is too precious to put it on hold.

What you want to do is to create an environment where your child(ren) will want to come back and visit. You DON’T want to create an environment of guilt trips and sadness. They’ll avoid that like a teenage boy avoids showers.

Be happy, be encouraging, be upbeat. Be someone they’ll want to be around, not someone they feel like they HAVE to be around.

Stop thinking of anything as “empty,” whether it’s your house, car, or life. If we dwell on negative words and thoughts, we’ll only be making ourselves miserable. Empty is a negative word – replace it with “peaceful,” “calm,” or “relaxed.” MAKE yourself bury the negative thoughts in the back yard and vow to never dig them up again.

On the night I mentioned above, the first word that popped into my head after about 5 minutes was QUIET. As a mom of 3 lively girls and the wife of 1 lively husband – quiet was quite new to me. I’ll be honest… I din’t much care for it at first.

I turned on a Golden Girls marathon and the “quiet” was soon filled with Rose, Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy, and the sound of my own laughter mixed with my popcorn chewing.

I had my own little party and shhhh, don’t tell anyone… it was awesome! You know how, with kids and husbands around, it seems like you only get to actually see bits and pieces of television shows? My funny bone and I feasted on about 10!

If you can’t embrace the stillness and quiet and enjoy them as “peaceful” and “tranquil,” then do what I did… make your own noise.

Second of All, Examine How You View Life

Don’t make your children (or spouse for that matter) your only reason for being alive. If you do, then you just may be right when you say, “it’ll never get better.” If you don’t have any interests outside of your children, please take care of that problem (and it’s a beaut of a problem) before the day’s out.

Below are just a few ideas:

Start a personal blog. Not only does it give you a creative outlet, it’s a cool way to let others know what you’re up to. Blogger.com gives you all you need to start blogging within an hour of hitting their site. Personally, I wouldn’t advise using Blogger.com for a business blog, but for a personal blog? Why not?
Start a new flower bed. Having a hobby like gardening isn’t just FUN, it’s great exercise. Fresh air, exercise, fun… plus the reward of gorgeous flowers when all’s said and done. I love flower (and herb) gardening. I am the queen of geraniums (pictured above) and herbs and don’t mind patting myself on the back with a dirt covered hand that smells like rosemary. Fill your life with as many things as you can that make you excited and happy. Growing your own flowers, herbs, and vegetables is just so darn rewarding.
Get involved in social media. If you aren’t already on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest, hop in. The water’s fine!
Adopt a pet! Cats, dogs, birds, etc. – they’re nothing if not babies. They’re also a great, great deal of company, enjoyment, entertainment, and an endless source of love. Furry babies (or feathered, for that matter) keep a lot of people sane and fill a void that needs to be filled.
Redecorate your home. Use your extra time and money to totally re-do at least one room of your home. After that’s done, move to the next room.
Take a vacation. Grab a camera and take off for someplace you’ve always wanted to see.
Read more. Choose a great author (my own favorites are Agatha Christie, Dean Koontz, Nicholas Sparks, William Shakespeare, John Grisham..) and make it your mission to read every book they’ve written. I ALWAYS have an Agatha Christie mystery “going” – I read and re-read her mysteries. Great stuff.
Become a Collector. Begin collecting antiques, jewelry, dishes.. Whatever interests you. It’s a great deal of fun to hit up antique shops, thrift stores and even yard sales. I’ve been a collector practically all my life – cookbooks, brass candlesticks, coffee mugs, books, dvds, antique dishes, Liberty Falls houses and figurines, bracelets, earrings, purses… It turns everything from ebay to weekend excursions into treasure hunts.
Watch movies! This is just a fun suggestion – you won’t benefit in any way, I suppose, except for having a good time. Like the “author suggestion,” above, I’ve always liked to take a certain actor or actress and watch everything they’ve been in. At my husband’s choosing, we’ve been watching everything Vin Diesel lately. They’ve actually been fun.
Begin a healthy routine. Start exercising with dvds, walking at the mall, playing tennis, walking your dog, etc. You’ll be doing something healthy for yourself plus activity releases endorphins, those delicious little feel good vibes that make you happy to be alive.
Take up cooking. It’s one of my own favorite things to do in the world. There’s nothing like going to the grocery store, loading up on ingredients, bringing them home, and making great things happen in the kitchen. Of course, it’s all the sweeter if you throw in a Starbucks trip between the reaping and sowing.
Ask for a little help. During the early part of the transition, be frank and honest with your spouse and other people in your life. Tell them that you fully expect to be a “pill” for a month or two and would greatly appreciate a little help with keeping a smile in place. Your spouse could make a special point of coming home for lunch more often – or maybe meeting you for lunch.

Realize that You’re Still Loved and Needed More Than Ever Before!

To realize this, you need to do little more than to think back to when you left home. You missed your parents terribly and probably even felt closer to them than ever before. I know it was true for me. I came to look forward to visits with my mom and dad more than ever.

Thinking back will also cause you to realize you needed them more than ever before as well. I constantly needed something from them – whether it was advice on pruning roses, making gravy without lumps, or what in thunder to do with a corned beef my new husband had just brought home. I burned up the phone lines! I can remember “hearing” their smiles each time I called with another emergency.

I SO totally understand that now.

Finally, Look Beyond Your Nest and Make a Difference.

I saved this one for last, because I think it’s the most important. Not only will it help YOU the most, it’ll benefit others who are truly, truly in a bad place. We all know that there are people and animals in the world who are suffering. Do a little research and find a cause and organization that really speaks to your heart.

Below are a few closest to my own heart:

I don’t mind, and I’ve never minded, being looked upon as someone who thinks they can save the world. Tree Hugger? Fine. Mrs. Do-Gooder? Whatever. When you look outside of your own window and see all that needs to be done, you’ll leave yourself with little time to feel anything but determined. And busy.

Never, ever think of your home as “empty.” Think of it as “full” – full of love, full of fun, full of laughs, full of comfort, and full of good times just waiting to happen. Create an environment that everyone wants to come home to. If you dwell on the negatives, that won’t exactly draw them in, will it?

Keep the pot of coffee on standby, cookies in the cookie jar, throw pillows on the couch, and a big, warm smile on your face.

You’ll have more smiling faces around you than you’ll know what to do with.

One day you’ll find yourself thinking, “Man… I could use a little alone time with just me and Blanche. And Dorothy. And Rose. And Sophia….“

A final thought: Nothing is truly EMPTY if there’s someone or something there. That’s like Common Sense 101. Even if you’re the only bird in the nest at the moment… you have my permission to have a one bird party in that nest.

Let the feathers fly!

Is Your Personality an Asset or a Liability?

September 18, 2008 by Joi 5 Comments

In a superficial society, we often neglect one the most important things we possess. The thing that truly separates us from everyone else: Our personality.

Our personality is what makes us who we are. It dictates who wants to be around us and who avoids us much as they’d want to avoid a Biblical plague. Two years after we’ve left this world for the one beyond, our personality (for better or worse) will be the thing we’ll be remembered for – not our waistline or our hairline.

Not EVEN our clothes, perfume, or jewelry. This one kind of smarts because I take great pride in my perfume and jewelry. Maybe, just maybe, I can also be remembered for smelling pretty and wearing ” the cutest earrings” and “a tad too many bracelets.” My inner gypsy would love that.

Seriously, though…. or at least as serious as I’m capable of being… think about your loved ones who are no longer, physically, around. I say physically because I have lost enough loved ones to know that they never entirely leave. Their body leaves, but the essence of who they were remains with us forever.

Thank you, God, for that. Thank you very much.

When we think of these loved ones, we don’t think about their appearance, we think of their personalities. We think of what made them who they were. We think of the times they made us laugh and we think of how they made us feel.

When it comes to personalities, I believe the following statements to be 100 percent true:

They can make a person MORE attractive or LESS attractive.
They can help an individual get AHEAD in their career or HOLD them back.
They’re each built upon one of two foundations: A SELFISH foundation or a SELFLESS foundation.
People can change.

Pretty is as Pretty Does

For obvious reasons I won’t name names, but one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known was (at first glance) not much beyond cute or somewhat attractive. Yet, after just 10 minutes in her presence, you were convinced that she was, possibly, one of the most beautiful people on the planet. She was extremely sweet, soft-spoken, kind, neat, feminine, witty, and was a very good mother to her beautiful children. She was also very fond of laughing and kept one on standby at all times. Mostly she had the one trait that I am drawn to more than any other – she loved life and squeezed all she could out of each second. She had a vivacious personality that served as a killer running mate for her physical features.

By contrast, we all know people who have been blessed with wonderful physical features, but possess personalities that serve as ugly masks – hiding the beauty that they should be enhancing.

I remember a boy in high school that all the girls were nuts about. His first name was uttered around our small town the way Brad Pitt’s name is uttered around Hollywood. My best friend and I were probably the only two girls in the entire county who weren’t smitten. Why?

We knew him.

He had sat near us in one of our classes and we battled to pay attention to the professor all year. Heck, we battled to stay awake. Prince Charming was actually Prince Boring and we literally considered changing classes to get away from him.

Why is it the most boring, dull-witted people in the world are the fondest of talking? We never figured that one out but this kid could not take a hint. I think if the school year had continued any longer my friend would have thrown her Biology book at his head…. along with a loud, “Just shut up! No one cares about anything that comes out of your mouth!”

He would have been perfect for today’s society. Selfies, telling everyone everything you did over the weekend, showing off your car… He’d have been one of the boys who take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror and captioned it, “I love my chin..” Or eyes, or smile, or something he was quite smitten with.

He’s somewhere, today, crying because he was born too soon, I guarantee it.

You Can’t Make it to the Top if No One Likes You

Granted, Prince Boring was harmless enough. At least he wasn’t a total jerk. We’ve all known plenty of those, haven’t we? People who just seem – down to the core of their being – to be mean, contrite, argumentative, and disagreeable.

These people are their own worst enemies. Some people get angry at the jerks of the world, but I kind of feel sorry for them. I believe that when someone comes across as disagreeable and angry, something inside of them isn’t quite right. Truth be told, the problem is more IN them than it is OUTSIDE of them. Angry people generally have pain rooted deep inside them that they haven’t dealt with yet. It could be anger from childhood, feelings of abandonment, or any host of things that no child should ever have to experience.

Other times, the pain doesn’t stem from childhood – it came later in life, maybe through broken relationships or even the loss of a loved one. Pain, kept it, doesn’t produce anything pretty for anyone.

I think that’s why “therapists” are so popular and, quite often, so helpful. They give the individual a chance to “talk things out” and to realize that they can let it all out and that everything will be okay. I can’t help thinking that keeping things bottled in is what causes some people to be so disagreeable.

So many people have a lot going on for them, but their personality holds them back. They have brains, humor, and good old-fashioned know how, but possess the personality of a paperweight.

Are You Selfish or Selfless?

Every single one of us is either more selfish than we are selfless or more selfless than we are selfish. I tend to believe that no one is TOTALLY either one – but everyone definitely has more of one trait than the other. Put another way, we all bend in one of the two directions.

I’m of the mind that this one “bend” determines the greater part of our personality.

Very often, a rotten disposition comes from being self-centered. Think about people who have angry outbursts. They certainly aren’t thinking about other people – they’re only thinking about themselves. How they’re being “put upon” or how others aren’t doing enough for them. Me, me, me – it’s all about me!

Anger (including road rage) is just selfishness having a temper tantrum.
Sarcasm is just selfishness acting petty.
Mocking and ridiculing are just selfishness acting childish.

On the other hand, benevolence, tolerance and kindness are selfless acts. They’re traits from people who honestly care about the needs and feelings of others. The person who slows down to allow someone to pass rather than gunning it to stay in front is a perfect – albeit rare – example of a selfless person.

Selfless people – or at least people who “bend” more toward selflessness than selfishness – ask people how their day was and listen to the response. In fact, they do more than listen to the response – since they are genuinely interested, they interact, asking questions and letting the other person know that they care.

Social media is a beautiful example of the difference between selfishness and selflessness. Ever see anyone on Twitter ask a question, only to ignore the people who answer? I don’t understand this one at all. Why bother asking a question in the first place?!

How about the company on social media that only talks about THEM – never engaging in conversation with others?

Again, these are just examples of a flaw that comes down to one thing: A bend toward selfishness rather than selflessness.

For those predisposed to selfishness, selflessness takes practice. But it can be achieved.

Be totally honest with yourself, do you think you are more concerned about yourself or others? During the day, do you concern yourself more with your own needs or those of others? When’s the last time you put yourself totally out for another person – without shining a spotlight on it?

Start today: Do as many kind acts for others as possible. Smile and speak to strangers. Put the grocery cart in the corral in the parking lot. Pet peeve alert: I hate when people leave it out in the open and justify it by saying, “That’s what they get paid for.” I hate when selfishness tries to explain itself.

People CAN Change

Change a habit and you change your life. If selfishness seems to dominate your personality, make it your #1 mission to change that right away. It can’t be something you think about today then forget tomorrow. You have to make a concentrated effort each and every day to care more about others than you do yourself.

Think about personality traits that you admire in others. Do they always seem happy or upbeat? Do they make you feel better when you’re around them? Do they look you in the eyes when they talk to you? Are they honest? Do they make you smile? Do they dwell on positive things rather than negative ones?

Identify personality traits you admire and are drawn to – then take inventory of your own personality traits. Are they a service to you or a disservice? Do they elevate you or demote you? Do they benefit your relationships or serve as a barrier between you and others?

If you don’t like the answers you’ve come up with, what are you going to do about it?