Relationships

What Do You Argue About On Long Car Journeys (Don’t Get Me Started!)

December 14, 2016 by Joi Leave a Comment

Long car journeys can bring out the worst in relationships. No, really, they do.

Dan and I love each other dearly and have been married for over 10 years but somehow, over time, we seem to have fallen into an inextricable pattern of behaviour that rears its head every time we go on holiday by car.

It’s ludicrous, really – we’re both reasonably educated people with plenty of emotional intelligence to see us safely through the ups and downs of a mature, loving relationship. But it all seems to suddenly go out of the window when a long car journey looms.

You would not believe the things you can argue over. By sharing some of our innermost vulnerable relationship dynamics, I am secretly hoping that we’re not the only couple to be fighting over stupid stuff in the car.

Holiday packing

Dan’s idea of packing for a holiday is throwing a toothbrush, a spare t-shirt and some clean pants into a bag 5 minutes before we leave. While I secretly admire his aptitude for spontaneity and his refusal to overthink what may or may not be needed while we’re away from home, I will have been packing for days, for the both of us. It takes a great deal of mutual respect and admiration to maintain domestic peace under these conditions, and it’s easily blown away by seemingly innocent comments such as ‘Do we really need all these bags?’, ‘Did you pack any toothpaste’ or ‘Are you just taking a pair of trainers?’

Setting off

Car fully loaded and fuelled up (his job), house checked and locked (my job), we’re off – except when things take a little longer than planned. Dan will have been keenly checking weather and traffic updates in preparation for our departure. He will have calculated the most convenient route to get us to our destination in minimum time. And he will by now be sitting in the car, probably with the engine running, waiting for me to get a bloody move on. Where’s the hurry? Does it really matter if we get stuck in traffic on the M25 an hour later than planned?

Who’s the better driver?

I gave up arguing for a share of the driving many years ago, chiefly because my blood pressure couldn’t take the well-meant advice that was being freely dispensed by my darling husband whenever I was behind the wheel. Despite an unblemished 20+ year driving record and no points on my licence, some battles are just not worth fighting over. Now, I quite enjoy being in the passenger seat, having given Dan the illusion of being in charge. It means that I get to choose the music (The Jam, not James Blunt – and no Radio 2!) and I dole out the snacks – sometimes we even share a laugh and a joke.

Detours and stop-offs

If you ask me, the trick to long car journeys is being sufficiently relaxed in mind while making steady progress towards your holiday destination. However, if, like Dan, your working life involves a lot of driving, you’re used to getting from A to B as fast as possible. It does rather spoil the vibe when he suggests a Drive Thru McDonalds while I’m looking forward to a leisurely country pub lunch just off the M1. Especially if he then adds insult to injury by suggesting we might go off piste to go and see a business contact near Nuneaton when my earlier idea for a spot of designer outlet shopping at Bicester Village was vetoed!

In-car technology

We should count ourselves lucky that SatNav has done away with the need for paper maps. Just input your destination and off you go – brilliant! It does, of course, presuppose that one has faith in the accuracy of the directions being given as well as the capability to work the damn thing in the first place. Dan has neither, bless him. And while I can set the SatNav to gently guide us on our way in dulcet tones, I do wish the subsequent conversation about where the hell it’s taking us could be just as sweet-tempered.

With the car parked and engine switched off, the storm clouds are gone. We hug, we kiss and marital harmony is restored. Let the holiday begin.

Article provided by Dakota M, a freelance writer partnering with the AA Garage Guide for this and a series of driving issue related articles.

7 important reasons to revive the ritual of sending real Christmas cards

November 3, 2016 by Joi 1 Comment

Provided by Mike James: former Christmas-card-Scrooge, freelance journalist and graphic designer working with Selectabase – the UK’s leading marketing database supplier.

Once upon a time not so very long ago, the postal service ruled supreme. Personal and business communications were transported by air, road and sea and delivered by the postman. Christmas was a special time when everyone and anyone exchanged Christmas cards.

Fast forward to today’s digital age where communication is fast and loose. We now live in a world where content is uploaded, messages are emailed and posts are shared. Christmas greetings are treated the same way – via group mail, bulk post or mass text. Does anyone still communicate offline?

Actually, this is the perfect time to rediscover the age old ritual of posting Christmas cards. Far from being a nostalgic throwback to a simpler time, sending Seasons’ Greetings in hardcopy format can deliver some real commercial benefits to your company that you may well have forgotten about. Here’s a quick reminder of what real Christmas cards can do for you.

Stand out from the crowd

It seems ironic that in order to be different and get noticed, you have to go back to old-school techniques, but there you are. In our fast and furious times of quick-as-a-flash information consumption, a Christmas email or festive Facebook update barely registers. Sending a real-life Christmas card, however, makes you special.

Put a smile on the receiver’s face

When was the last time you got an actual card or letter that wasn’t junk mail or a bill? Receiving a Christmas card in the post is a lovely surprise precisely because it’s unexpected and it’s a little bit personal. Coming from your business, it will be perceived as a positive message than can boost your company image and help build your business relationship.

Create a longer lasting impression

Emails and texts are quickly deleted. If you want increase awareness of your company as part of an overall profile raising exercise, a Christmas card is a clever way to do it. Sending a physical card means that it has to be opened, handled, put somewhere and, eventually, recycled by the receiver. In any office environment, Christmas cards typically displayed by way of decoration, meaning extra visibility for your company!

Reinforce your corporate brand

Whether your design team gets clever with some visuals or you purchase ready-printed cards customised with your logo, it’s a good idea to personalise your Christmas greetings. Use this once-a-year special opportunity to communicate with everyone on your database and let them know that you’re there if they need you.

Build your CSR credentials

Unless you own a printing business or are a major shareholder in Clinton Cards or the like, you should always buy charity Christmas cards. From helping the homeless to saving the planet, there are many worthy causes your company could be supporting. Christmas cards can play a useful role in giving your corporate social responsibility (CSR) initiative an extra push.

Add a personal touch

If you’re going to the trouble of sending a real-life Christmas card, it goes without saying that it should be hand signed as a bare minimum, otherwise what’s the point? For extra impact, you could go one step further and add a short personal note, always staying professional and appropriate, obviously.

Make the most of your database

Choose carefully who to send company Christmas cards to. Current and potential clients only? What about lapsed clients? How about other business contacts, or staff? The benefits mentioned above could apply equally to internal as well as external business contacts. Finally, organising a major Christmas mailshot is the perfect opportunity to clean your database. And that alone is bound to stand you in good stead for the coming year.

How to Heal With An Adult Child’s Rejection

June 20, 2016 by Joi 17 Comments

Done with Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult ChildrenI have a confession to make. I am, possibly, the most touchy feely, emotional person on the planet… or off the planet. I know no boundaries. Emotional commercials make me teary-eyed, reallllly emotional commercials make me change the channel.

I have had people offer to send me books to review on Self Help Daily (as well as my other blogs) only to politely and graciously decline simply because I didn’t want to “go there” with my emotions leading the way. As the mother of three daughters who make my world go around, I have declined at least 4 different books involving parents who had lost their child.

A person has to know their limits and I’m woefully familiar with mine.

When I was offered a review copy of Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, I impulsively clicked the “Reply” arrow while sorting out my reply, “I am so very sorry for your loss (because that’s most certainly what it is)… but I simply…”

Then I stopped. The realization that this mother/author is going through something in life that others are experiencing and that she could offer a helping hand and understanding heart to them made me close the e-mail. I decided, in that minute, that if she was brave enough to write what had to have been an incredibly painful book I could certainly be brave enough to read it.

When I did reply, my brain told my heart, “I got this.”

Later that day, it occurred to me just how brave and selfless this mother is. Can you imagine reliving unspeakably painful memories simply in an effort to reach out and comfort others who are hurting? She didn’t write the book in an effort to bring her estranged child back into her arms.

If only it were that simple.

She wrote the book for others who’s arms also ache for their children.

B-R-A-V-E.

When Adult Children Disown Their Parents

Before hearing about this book, I had actually heard of a few instances of adult children abandoning their parents and, usually, their entire family. I’m not going to lie to you, this is something that doesn’t just break my heart, it shatters it. When a person walks away from a lifetime of love and caring – turning his/her back on the people who gave them life and, literally, cherished their every breath is unthinkable to me.

I believe this type of person to be the embodiment of selfishness.

While I have little sympathy for adult children who turn their back on their parents, I have to say this: The day will come when they will be racked with so much guilt and remorse that they will not be able to stand. It will be too late, then, and the pain they will feel will take their breath away. That doesn’t make me happy, of course. Crippling pain never does.

I could go on and on (trust me) about the adult children who do this. I could point out that many are guilty of emotional abuse when it comes to the way they treat their parents… I could point out that many do this because of a deep-seeded fear of losing their parents to age and death… I could point out that these individuals need therapy… BUT this isn’t about them.

This is about the innocent ones.

Done with the Crying (and this review, for that matter) wants to help pick up the pieces and, more importantly, help hurting moms and dads find a way to make everything “fit” again.

Yes, even without a missing piece. Life is still beautiful and happiness is still possible.

While it seems painfully simplistic, the truth of the matter is, you have a choice: Keep looking at the vacancy left by the missing piece or look at all the pieces that are still in place. The ones who stayed.

From the Back Cover:
Mothers of estranged adult children face a special sorrow. When even hope hurts, it’s time to make a change. Take charge of your health and happiness.

As a loving mother of five to whom the unthinkable happened, Sheri McGregor knows the shock of estrangement that wrings you dry, triggers denial, anger, and even shame. Inside, you’ll find practical examples, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. You can be happy again. With useful tools and understanding, Sheri McGregor helps you plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.

“Thank you for Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. The book is a must read for parents of estranged adult children and mental health professionals working with these families. Sheri McGregor’s work is a breath of fresh air offering a new perspective and providing support, encouragement, resources, and compassion to good parents that have found themselves in an unimaginable situation. ” —-Maritza Parks, LMHC, Inspired Journey Counseling

Allow me to say, right up front, that I cannot even begin to imagine this level of pain. I have lost loved ones to death, of course, and while that hurts and leaves a gaping wound – at least I know they didn’t walk away from me. I would imagine that this type of pain feels like a wound that just won’t heal. I can imagine that a parent of estranged adult children often feel hope, only to see it dashed again.

As the Bible says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick…” and this level of sickness is simply unthinkable.

About the Author

Sheri McGregor holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a Master’s in human behavior, and is a certified life coach. She serves on the advisory board for National University’s College of Letters and Sciences. As a prolific writer, McGregor’s articles on psychology, health, human behavior, and a variety of other topics have appeared in dozens of national and international publications. She has written for anthologies, websites, and organizations including the non-profit Families for Depression Awareness. Her two novels were first printed in the U.S., and then translated into several languages around the globe. McGregor’s hiking guides for the San Diego area are popular among outdoor enthusiasts and armchair readers alike. She leads readers down the trails with descriptions that reveal her appreciation for nature and how it calms the mind. McGregor’s work to help parents of estranged adult children began at RejectedParents.NET, which she founded in 2013.

{Review Continued Below….}

How Done with the Crying Can Help You Heal:

Reading the author’s story will help you realize there is nothing wrong with you. You can see YOUR story in HER story and realize that you are most certainly not an isolated case. You will see that this does happen to good parents – parents who did not do anything wrong. I can’t help but think that kicking unnecessary feelings of guilt to the curb is the first step in healing. Why? As long as you feel guilty, you won’t allow yourself to heal. You’ll use the pain as punishment you WRONGLY think you deserve. You haven’t done anything wrong. This isn’t about you and it never was – it’s your child who walked away. Not you.
You are not alone! Isolation is a terrible feeling, isn’t it? When you feel like no one understands, it makes the pain even more unbearable. Done With the Crying connects you with more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. 9,000! Now that’s what I call a support group.
Working through your emotions is much more effective than ignoring them. The author has even included wonderful written exercises to help you work through your emotions – which will help the healing process. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
Learn to be happy again. As I said above (in innocent simplicity), you have to stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what is there. Staring at what isn’t robs from what is.
Realize that you still have so many things in your life to be thankful for. Don’t let one person victimize you or your loved ones any more than they already have. Sometimes you have to literally say enough is enough.
While Mothers are mentioned on the cover, dads, this is for you too! Done with the Crying is for any (and all) family member who wants to heal and move forward.
Learn to live again. You have the rest of your life ahead of you! This wonderful book will help you see how you can hold your chin up high, dry your eyes, and get on with your life. It’ll remind you to focus on the ones who HAVE your back and stop allowing the one who TURNED their back to steal any more of your happiness.

From Amazon: In Done with the Crying, Sheri McGregor, M.A., helps parents break free from emotional pain—and move forward in their own lives.

As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.

You can be happy again. In a calm yet authoritative voice, and with exercises derived from her work as a life coach and her own recovery, McGregor helps mothers who did their best to come to terms with their estranged adult child’s choices, and regain their health and happiness.

To fathers of estranged adult children—this book can help you, too. “Ninety-three percent of the parents who answer my survey at RejectedParents.Net are mothers,” says Sheri McGregor. “That’s why the title is directed at them. But many of the book’s examples are from couples, and include the experiences of fathers. Some passages directly highlight men’s reactions, including my husband’s. The principles presented are relevant to fathers, and the strategies for coping can be used by anyone.”

In this encouraging and comprehensive book, McGregor fully covers the phenomenon of estranged adult children from families who never expected a son or daughter to cut ties and walk away.

Nine in-depth chapters provide dozens of inspiring examples from among the thousands of parents of estranged adult children. Gain understanding and practical help from a mother who knows the pain of this devastating loss with all its uncertainty and heartache. Hope can remain, but you don’t have to stay stalled, forever waiting. You can move past the disbelief and distress. Take charge. Reclaim yourself and your life—only maybe even better.

One Step at a Time

A few years back, my husband, our youngest daughter (Stephany), her boyfriend, and I were walking at a State Park here in Kentucky. It was a blistering hot day and to make matters worse, Steph and I had been sick for a few weeks. We were both feeling incredibly weak, but neither one of us wanted to cut the boys’ fun short. Occasionally, as we walked through the park that refused to end, we’d look at each other like, “Is this agony, or what?”

Once when the boys were ahead of us (okay, when weren’t they?), I whispered to her, “Do you legs feel like noodles?” to which she said, “Very wet, very painful noodles. I think I might just die.” I echoed the sentiments and reassured her we’d probably make it out alive.

Before we could get (happily) back to our air-conditioned vehicle, a set of concrete steps loomed before us. We exchanged another look and I tried to convey a motherly “One step at a time” message to her with my eyes.

Each step took more out of us than we thought we had to give. Halfway up, we each stopped and caught our breath. At that halfway point, I distinctly remember wondering, “What would they all say if I just sat down for 10… 20… 90 minutes?” Naturally, we kept going. Was it easy? Heck no. But we made it.

One painful step at a time.

What came at the end of the agonizing steps? An air-conditioned vehicle with plush seats that drove us straight to an air-conditioned restaurant with plush booths, iced sweet tea and delicious food.

We didn’t go from grimacing to grinning in the wink of an eye. It took a series of steps which, of course, began with taking the first one.

If you are a parent of an estranged child, please see Done with the Crying for what it is…. your first step. I am hoping and literally praying that each parent who is in this painful situation gets their hands on this book. If you know someone who needs healing, please give them their first step.

Happiness and even joy are waiting for you on the other side of a series of steps. Please take the first one now….

For more help and support, see Rejected Parents.net.

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Happy Families Don’t Just Happen

July 15, 2015 by Joi 6 Comments

The One Place…

I spend a lot of time thinking about families – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles… the whole shebang. That’s why I made “Building Happier Families” the focus of Self Help Daily for 2015.

My family is my treasure on earth. I’d rather have this colorful cast of characters and nothing else in the world than to have everything but one less of them.

They’re crazy, but by gosh, they’re my crazies!

A family should be a safe haven, shouldn’t it? A happy band of people connected by blood as well as love. People who have one another’s backs and would go to battle for any member of the tribe.

Problem is some families spend so much time battling one another that their home and family seems like anything but a safe haven.

When I hear about broken relationships within families, my heart breaks because I know somewhere, in the middle of it all, there’s someone who cherishes their family the way I do mine – and I know that what they want more than anything else is peace and happiness.

Doesn’t seem like that much to ask for, does it?

Fortunately strained and even broken relationships can be mended. Love is a powerful force and if it’s a factor in the equation, few things are impossible.

However, the best way to REPAIR broken relationships is to PREVENT them from ever happening in the first place. Within every shattered family is at least one person who wishes with all their might that they could go back and UNdo or UNsay something.

If you’ve ever been in that agonizing position, you know that it’s very much like hell on earth.

Once you’ve wronged someone – either through action, neglect, or harmful words – you simply can’t undo it. You can’t erase your wrong and (even worse) you can’t erase their pain. All you can hope for is forgiveness and that, in time, the pain you see in their eyes will fade and happiness will take its place.

[shareable]Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts. – Unknown[/shareable]

If we could all learn to control our tongues and actions, we could avoid seeing this pain in our loved ones eyes in the first place. The problem is, the “average” person is completely and utterly ME-oriented. They live under the firm belief that the world revolves around them.

I want our Christmas meal at 4:00 and WILL NOT budge for anyone else.
I hate my daughter’s music choices, so I will berate her every chance I get.
My mother in law gets on my nerves and I intend to let everyone in the family know about it.
My son needs a haircut and I will humiliate him in front of the entire family to make my point known.
My wife spent too much at the store and I’m going to yell until my face turns red.
My husband watches too much sports on tv, but if I continually nag him, he’ll eventually watch what I want to watch.

Too many people with too many thoughts revolving around their favorite person in the world… them. You know what these people remind me of? Pre-Schoolers.

I don’t want to take a nap, so I’m going to scream and cry.
I want to stay at the park, so I’m going to throw myself on the ground and scream my favorite word – NOOOO!
That’s MY toy and she can’t have it.
I do not want to be in this store anymore, so I’m going to cry my eyes out.
I don’t want this green food! I’m going to throw it on the floor!

Like children, adults make everyone around them miserable for selfish reasons.

[shareable]When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. – Joyce Brothers[/shareable]

I saw a mother in Kroger recently with an adorable but obviously irritable little boy (probably around 2 years old). The woman looked like she was walking on eggshells as she tried to hurry through the process before the little guy blew his stack.

She didn’t make it. Right as she wheeled into the checkout lane, the complete and utter mini-meltdown began. It was something to behold, too.

While he was, in spite of himself, downright cute with his red face and clinched little fists, the same CANNOT be said for adults who cause others to walk on eggshells as they hope to avoid one of their fits.

Nothing cute or adorable about them.

If you’re one of those people who, God love you, tends to think of self THEN others, I’m not asking you to change your focus. In fact, if you’re past the age of 45, it wouldn’t do any good anyway. After all, you’ve been in the center stage of your own thoughts for a long time, I won’t try to budge you.

As they say, you do you!

What I am saying is this… Within each family there are people who are, basically, the HEART of the family. They’re the moms, dads, grandmothers, grandfathers, daughters, sons, brothers and/or sisters who just want everyone to get along, be kind, and fill the house with laughter.

These are the people who not only “don’t rock the boat,” they spend 90 percent of their time keeping things afloat.

I want you to think about them for a minute. Think of people in your family who you love completely – the ones who you would be utterly lost without.

How do you make them feel when you behave like a 2 year old in a grocery store? What happens to the smile on their faces or the joy in their eyes when you cause them to walk on eggshells?

Do you really want that? Shouldn’t we all want to see those we love so happy that they burst out in laughter?!

I hope that if you ARE someone who tends to gravitate toward this kind of behavior you’ll recognize yourself. I hope that next time you’ll see yourself as a little red-faced toddler and that you’ll completely change your thoughts and actions.

It’d be highly unlikely that a little child would look at his mom and think, “I love that mommy person. She is having fun in this boring, bright store. I’m tired and I miss my toys but my mommy person is happy. I can make her even more happy if I smile at her…”

Nope. That’s not going to happen. But it can.. and it should… happen with adults. The next time you want to nag, yell, pick, complain, “make your point,” or anything else that takes place in the center stage, please take time to think about the people you love.

[shareable]Having a place to go is a home. Having someone to love is a family. Having both is a blessing. – Donna Hedges[/shareable]

Make no mistake about it, there IS someone in your life who wants one thing more than anything else in the world – peace and happiness. Do your part and give it to them.

Imagine the look on their face when, as they’re waiting for you to justify the eggshells on the floor, you simply brush them away.

That is when magic happens.

Three Week Challenge: Be Kinder Than You Have to Be….

May 19, 2015 by Joi 2 Comments

This is one of those “Self Improvement Hacks” that is so simple and so “flowery” that the average person dismisses it without a single thought.

I hope you aren’t average.

We’re all after the same thing – peace, happiness, joy, stress-free days, good health, and more reasons to smile than to frown.

More reasons to laugh than cry. More opportunities to speak positive words than negative ones.

We want happier families and relationships – everyone getting along, laughing, and enjoying life’s ride together.

One of the simplest paths you can take to this “ideal world” doesn’t involve hard work, special talent, acquired skills, or even money.

It simply calls for you to show up!

This challenge is simple: you just have to be kinder than you have to be for three weeks.

What does being kinder than you have to be entail?

Saying kind things to others when you’d rather just say, “Hi.”
Biting your tongue when you want to ridicule, criticize, or even “tease.”
Telling people to have a wonderful day… and meaning it.
Asking how their day was, THEN listening and actually caring.
Allowing others to think differently than you do.
Complimenting people for the sake of seeing them smile.
Doing little things that you know will make someone else happy.

The list goes on, but you get the idea – being kinder than you have to be means thinking about THEM instead of YOU.

But here’s the thing. This challenge isn’t even for them. It’s actually for you…. but, shhhh, no one has to know.

It won’t even take the full three weeks for you to reap the benefits. I promise you, you’ll feel happier and more at peace almost immediately. Watch how others respond to this kindness and watch how it makes you feel.

It feels good to be make others feel good… so good, in fact, that it’ll become a lifelong habit.

I promise. Please try it. Be kinder than you have to be for three weeks. You’ll never go back to being any other way. It is truly one of the secrets to happiness, happier families, peace, and even better health.

~ Joi

Relationships

What Do You Argue About On Long Car Journeys (Don’t Get Me Started!)

7 important reasons to revive the ritual of sending real Christmas cards