Relationships

How to Heal With An Adult Child’s Rejection

June 20, 2016 by Joi 17 Comments

Done with Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult ChildrenI have a confession to make. I am, possibly, the most touchy feely, emotional person on the planet… or off the planet. I know no boundaries. Emotional commercials make me teary-eyed, reallllly emotional commercials make me change the channel.

I have had people offer to send me books to review on Self Help Daily (as well as my other blogs) only to politely and graciously decline simply because I didn’t want to “go there” with my emotions leading the way. As the mother of three daughters who make my world go around, I have declined at least 4 different books involving parents who had lost their child.

A person has to know their limits and I’m woefully familiar with mine.

When I was offered a review copy of Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, I impulsively clicked the “Reply” arrow while sorting out my reply, “I am so very sorry for your loss (because that’s most certainly what it is)… but I simply…”

Then I stopped. The realization that this mother/author is going through something in life that others are experiencing and that she could offer a helping hand and understanding heart to them made me close the e-mail. I decided, in that minute, that if she was brave enough to write what had to have been an incredibly painful book I could certainly be brave enough to read it.

When I did reply, my brain told my heart, “I got this.”

Later that day, it occurred to me just how brave and selfless this mother is. Can you imagine reliving unspeakably painful memories simply in an effort to reach out and comfort others who are hurting? She didn’t write the book in an effort to bring her estranged child back into her arms.

If only it were that simple.

She wrote the book for others who’s arms also ache for their children.

B-R-A-V-E.

When Adult Children Disown Their Parents

Before hearing about this book, I had actually heard of a few instances of adult children abandoning their parents and, usually, their entire family. I’m not going to lie to you, this is something that doesn’t just break my heart, it shatters it. When a person walks away from a lifetime of love and caring – turning his/her back on the people who gave them life and, literally, cherished their every breath is unthinkable to me.

I believe this type of person to be the embodiment of selfishness.

While I have little sympathy for adult children who turn their back on their parents, I have to say this: The day will come when they will be racked with so much guilt and remorse that they will not be able to stand. It will be too late, then, and the pain they will feel will take their breath away. That doesn’t make me happy, of course. Crippling pain never does.

I could go on and on (trust me) about the adult children who do this. I could point out that many are guilty of emotional abuse when it comes to the way they treat their parents… I could point out that many do this because of a deep-seeded fear of losing their parents to age and death… I could point out that these individuals need therapy… BUT this isn’t about them.

This is about the innocent ones.

Done with the Crying (and this review, for that matter) wants to help pick up the pieces and, more importantly, help hurting moms and dads find a way to make everything “fit” again.

Yes, even without a missing piece. Life is still beautiful and happiness is still possible.

While it seems painfully simplistic, the truth of the matter is, you have a choice: Keep looking at the vacancy left by the missing piece or look at all the pieces that are still in place. The ones who stayed.

From the Back Cover:
Mothers of estranged adult children face a special sorrow. When even hope hurts, it’s time to make a change. Take charge of your health and happiness.

As a loving mother of five to whom the unthinkable happened, Sheri McGregor knows the shock of estrangement that wrings you dry, triggers denial, anger, and even shame. Inside, you’ll find practical examples, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. You can be happy again. With useful tools and understanding, Sheri McGregor helps you plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.

“Thank you for Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. The book is a must read for parents of estranged adult children and mental health professionals working with these families. Sheri McGregor’s work is a breath of fresh air offering a new perspective and providing support, encouragement, resources, and compassion to good parents that have found themselves in an unimaginable situation. ” —-Maritza Parks, LMHC, Inspired Journey Counseling

Allow me to say, right up front, that I cannot even begin to imagine this level of pain. I have lost loved ones to death, of course, and while that hurts and leaves a gaping wound – at least I know they didn’t walk away from me. I would imagine that this type of pain feels like a wound that just won’t heal. I can imagine that a parent of estranged adult children often feel hope, only to see it dashed again.

As the Bible says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick…” and this level of sickness is simply unthinkable.

About the Author

Sheri McGregor holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a Master’s in human behavior, and is a certified life coach. She serves on the advisory board for National University’s College of Letters and Sciences. As a prolific writer, McGregor’s articles on psychology, health, human behavior, and a variety of other topics have appeared in dozens of national and international publications. She has written for anthologies, websites, and organizations including the non-profit Families for Depression Awareness. Her two novels were first printed in the U.S., and then translated into several languages around the globe. McGregor’s hiking guides for the San Diego area are popular among outdoor enthusiasts and armchair readers alike. She leads readers down the trails with descriptions that reveal her appreciation for nature and how it calms the mind. McGregor’s work to help parents of estranged adult children began at RejectedParents.NET, which she founded in 2013.

{Review Continued Below….}

How Done with the Crying Can Help You Heal:

Reading the author’s story will help you realize there is nothing wrong with you. You can see YOUR story in HER story and realize that you are most certainly not an isolated case. You will see that this does happen to good parents – parents who did not do anything wrong. I can’t help but think that kicking unnecessary feelings of guilt to the curb is the first step in healing. Why? As long as you feel guilty, you won’t allow yourself to heal. You’ll use the pain as punishment you WRONGLY think you deserve. You haven’t done anything wrong. This isn’t about you and it never was – it’s your child who walked away. Not you.
You are not alone! Isolation is a terrible feeling, isn’t it? When you feel like no one understands, it makes the pain even more unbearable. Done With the Crying connects you with more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. 9,000! Now that’s what I call a support group.
Working through your emotions is much more effective than ignoring them. The author has even included wonderful written exercises to help you work through your emotions – which will help the healing process. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
Learn to be happy again. As I said above (in innocent simplicity), you have to stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what is there. Staring at what isn’t robs from what is.
Realize that you still have so many things in your life to be thankful for. Don’t let one person victimize you or your loved ones any more than they already have. Sometimes you have to literally say enough is enough.
While Mothers are mentioned on the cover, dads, this is for you too! Done with the Crying is for any (and all) family member who wants to heal and move forward.
Learn to live again. You have the rest of your life ahead of you! This wonderful book will help you see how you can hold your chin up high, dry your eyes, and get on with your life. It’ll remind you to focus on the ones who HAVE your back and stop allowing the one who TURNED their back to steal any more of your happiness.

From Amazon: In Done with the Crying, Sheri McGregor, M.A., helps parents break free from emotional pain—and move forward in their own lives.

As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.

You can be happy again. In a calm yet authoritative voice, and with exercises derived from her work as a life coach and her own recovery, McGregor helps mothers who did their best to come to terms with their estranged adult child’s choices, and regain their health and happiness.

To fathers of estranged adult children—this book can help you, too. “Ninety-three percent of the parents who answer my survey at RejectedParents.Net are mothers,” says Sheri McGregor. “That’s why the title is directed at them. But many of the book’s examples are from couples, and include the experiences of fathers. Some passages directly highlight men’s reactions, including my husband’s. The principles presented are relevant to fathers, and the strategies for coping can be used by anyone.”

In this encouraging and comprehensive book, McGregor fully covers the phenomenon of estranged adult children from families who never expected a son or daughter to cut ties and walk away.

Nine in-depth chapters provide dozens of inspiring examples from among the thousands of parents of estranged adult children. Gain understanding and practical help from a mother who knows the pain of this devastating loss with all its uncertainty and heartache. Hope can remain, but you don’t have to stay stalled, forever waiting. You can move past the disbelief and distress. Take charge. Reclaim yourself and your life—only maybe even better.

One Step at a Time

A few years back, my husband, our youngest daughter (Stephany), her boyfriend, and I were walking at a State Park here in Kentucky. It was a blistering hot day and to make matters worse, Steph and I had been sick for a few weeks. We were both feeling incredibly weak, but neither one of us wanted to cut the boys’ fun short. Occasionally, as we walked through the park that refused to end, we’d look at each other like, “Is this agony, or what?”

Once when the boys were ahead of us (okay, when weren’t they?), I whispered to her, “Do you legs feel like noodles?” to which she said, “Very wet, very painful noodles. I think I might just die.” I echoed the sentiments and reassured her we’d probably make it out alive.

Before we could get (happily) back to our air-conditioned vehicle, a set of concrete steps loomed before us. We exchanged another look and I tried to convey a motherly “One step at a time” message to her with my eyes.

Each step took more out of us than we thought we had to give. Halfway up, we each stopped and caught our breath. At that halfway point, I distinctly remember wondering, “What would they all say if I just sat down for 10… 20… 90 minutes?” Naturally, we kept going. Was it easy? Heck no. But we made it.

One painful step at a time.

What came at the end of the agonizing steps? An air-conditioned vehicle with plush seats that drove us straight to an air-conditioned restaurant with plush booths, iced sweet tea and delicious food.

We didn’t go from grimacing to grinning in the wink of an eye. It took a series of steps which, of course, began with taking the first one.

If you are a parent of an estranged child, please see Done with the Crying for what it is…. your first step. I am hoping and literally praying that each parent who is in this painful situation gets their hands on this book. If you know someone who needs healing, please give them their first step.

Happiness and even joy are waiting for you on the other side of a series of steps. Please take the first one now….

For more help and support, see Rejected Parents.net.

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Happy Families Don’t Just Happen

July 15, 2015 by Joi 6 Comments

The One Place…

I spend a lot of time thinking about families – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles… the whole shebang. That’s why I made “Building Happier Families” the focus of Self Help Daily for 2015.

My family is my treasure on earth. I’d rather have this colorful cast of characters and nothing else in the world than to have everything but one less of them.

They’re crazy, but by gosh, they’re my crazies!

A family should be a safe haven, shouldn’t it? A happy band of people connected by blood as well as love. People who have one another’s backs and would go to battle for any member of the tribe.

Problem is some families spend so much time battling one another that their home and family seems like anything but a safe haven.

When I hear about broken relationships within families, my heart breaks because I know somewhere, in the middle of it all, there’s someone who cherishes their family the way I do mine – and I know that what they want more than anything else is peace and happiness.

Doesn’t seem like that much to ask for, does it?

Fortunately strained and even broken relationships can be mended. Love is a powerful force and if it’s a factor in the equation, few things are impossible.

However, the best way to REPAIR broken relationships is to PREVENT them from ever happening in the first place. Within every shattered family is at least one person who wishes with all their might that they could go back and UNdo or UNsay something.

If you’ve ever been in that agonizing position, you know that it’s very much like hell on earth.

Once you’ve wronged someone – either through action, neglect, or harmful words – you simply can’t undo it. You can’t erase your wrong and (even worse) you can’t erase their pain. All you can hope for is forgiveness and that, in time, the pain you see in their eyes will fade and happiness will take its place.

[shareable]Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts. – Unknown[/shareable]

If we could all learn to control our tongues and actions, we could avoid seeing this pain in our loved ones eyes in the first place. The problem is, the “average” person is completely and utterly ME-oriented. They live under the firm belief that the world revolves around them.

I want our Christmas meal at 4:00 and WILL NOT budge for anyone else.
I hate my daughter’s music choices, so I will berate her every chance I get.
My mother in law gets on my nerves and I intend to let everyone in the family know about it.
My son needs a haircut and I will humiliate him in front of the entire family to make my point known.
My wife spent too much at the store and I’m going to yell until my face turns red.
My husband watches too much sports on tv, but if I continually nag him, he’ll eventually watch what I want to watch.

Too many people with too many thoughts revolving around their favorite person in the world… them. You know what these people remind me of? Pre-Schoolers.

I don’t want to take a nap, so I’m going to scream and cry.
I want to stay at the park, so I’m going to throw myself on the ground and scream my favorite word – NOOOO!
That’s MY toy and she can’t have it.
I do not want to be in this store anymore, so I’m going to cry my eyes out.
I don’t want this green food! I’m going to throw it on the floor!

Like children, adults make everyone around them miserable for selfish reasons.

[shareable]When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. – Joyce Brothers[/shareable]

I saw a mother in Kroger recently with an adorable but obviously irritable little boy (probably around 2 years old). The woman looked like she was walking on eggshells as she tried to hurry through the process before the little guy blew his stack.

She didn’t make it. Right as she wheeled into the checkout lane, the complete and utter mini-meltdown began. It was something to behold, too.

While he was, in spite of himself, downright cute with his red face and clinched little fists, the same CANNOT be said for adults who cause others to walk on eggshells as they hope to avoid one of their fits.

Nothing cute or adorable about them.

If you’re one of those people who, God love you, tends to think of self THEN others, I’m not asking you to change your focus. In fact, if you’re past the age of 45, it wouldn’t do any good anyway. After all, you’ve been in the center stage of your own thoughts for a long time, I won’t try to budge you.

As they say, you do you!

What I am saying is this… Within each family there are people who are, basically, the HEART of the family. They’re the moms, dads, grandmothers, grandfathers, daughters, sons, brothers and/or sisters who just want everyone to get along, be kind, and fill the house with laughter.

These are the people who not only “don’t rock the boat,” they spend 90 percent of their time keeping things afloat.

I want you to think about them for a minute. Think of people in your family who you love completely – the ones who you would be utterly lost without.

How do you make them feel when you behave like a 2 year old in a grocery store? What happens to the smile on their faces or the joy in their eyes when you cause them to walk on eggshells?

Do you really want that? Shouldn’t we all want to see those we love so happy that they burst out in laughter?!

I hope that if you ARE someone who tends to gravitate toward this kind of behavior you’ll recognize yourself. I hope that next time you’ll see yourself as a little red-faced toddler and that you’ll completely change your thoughts and actions.

It’d be highly unlikely that a little child would look at his mom and think, “I love that mommy person. She is having fun in this boring, bright store. I’m tired and I miss my toys but my mommy person is happy. I can make her even more happy if I smile at her…”

Nope. That’s not going to happen. But it can.. and it should… happen with adults. The next time you want to nag, yell, pick, complain, “make your point,” or anything else that takes place in the center stage, please take time to think about the people you love.

[shareable]Having a place to go is a home. Having someone to love is a family. Having both is a blessing. – Donna Hedges[/shareable]

Make no mistake about it, there IS someone in your life who wants one thing more than anything else in the world – peace and happiness. Do your part and give it to them.

Imagine the look on their face when, as they’re waiting for you to justify the eggshells on the floor, you simply brush them away.

That is when magic happens.

Three Week Challenge: Be Kinder Than You Have to Be….

May 19, 2015 by Joi 2 Comments

This is one of those “Self Improvement Hacks” that is so simple and so “flowery” that the average person dismisses it without a single thought.

I hope you aren’t average.

We’re all after the same thing – peace, happiness, joy, stress-free days, good health, and more reasons to smile than to frown.

More reasons to laugh than cry. More opportunities to speak positive words than negative ones.

We want happier families and relationships – everyone getting along, laughing, and enjoying life’s ride together.

One of the simplest paths you can take to this “ideal world” doesn’t involve hard work, special talent, acquired skills, or even money.

It simply calls for you to show up!

This challenge is simple: you just have to be kinder than you have to be for three weeks.

What does being kinder than you have to be entail?

Saying kind things to others when you’d rather just say, “Hi.”
Biting your tongue when you want to ridicule, criticize, or even “tease.”
Telling people to have a wonderful day… and meaning it.
Asking how their day was, THEN listening and actually caring.
Allowing others to think differently than you do.
Complimenting people for the sake of seeing them smile.
Doing little things that you know will make someone else happy.

The list goes on, but you get the idea – being kinder than you have to be means thinking about THEM instead of YOU.

But here’s the thing. This challenge isn’t even for them. It’s actually for you…. but, shhhh, no one has to know.

It won’t even take the full three weeks for you to reap the benefits. I promise you, you’ll feel happier and more at peace almost immediately. Watch how others respond to this kindness and watch how it makes you feel.

It feels good to be make others feel good… so good, in fact, that it’ll become a lifelong habit.

I promise. Please try it. Be kinder than you have to be for three weeks. You’ll never go back to being any other way. It is truly one of the secrets to happiness, happier families, peace, and even better health.

~ Joi

People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Review)

February 23, 2015 by Joi 4 Comments

Continuing the Focus of 2015: Building a Happier Family!

A while back, I downloaded an interesting sounding e-book, People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Kindle edition link) by Mike Bechtle. I fell in love with the cover image Come on, who wouldn’t be? It’s a duck. In a snazzy jacket with a whackadoodle hat.

And can we talk about the fact that he has green hair?

The title is, to be honest, what initially caught my eye. Even before the duck. The title reminds me of a something I always said to my three daughters while they were growing up. I don’t know about where you live, but in Kentucky we have a popular saying, “He’s getting my goat…” or “That really gets my goat..”

With three little girls, I often heard, “She just gets my goat…” In one of our infamous, “table talks,” I told my girls, “People can only get your goat if you put it out in the open. If they know where your goat is, it’s easy pickings.”

The title of this book just kind of reminded me of homespun wisdom and it had me at “crazy.”

When doing book reviews, as I often point out, I want to give a great “feel” for the book without giving the entire premise away. If I were to lay out all the brilliance of a particular book right here, why would you need to read it for yourself?

Since I VERY much want everyone to read People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (paperback link) as soon as they humanly can, I’m going to tread lightly. I hope you’ll stick with this book review, even if it gets lengthy – this book is extra special.

As we continue the focus of 2015 on Self Help Daily, Building a Happier Family, I have to strongly suggest everyone read this book. If you are a really, really busy individual, and simply don’t have time to devote 30 minutes to an hour reading each day, I have a few solutions…

People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys (CD)
or…
People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Audible Audio)

A reaction is how we feel; a response is what we do. Reactions are automatic, but we choose our responses. – Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

Like most books, this particular WINNER is available in a variety of formats, so there’s simply no reason NOT to make this the next book you read… even if you read it with your ears.

The beauty of People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (as it relates to building a happier family) is that it gives you the motivation, information, and inspiration you need to do your part to make your family the happiest family in town. This book is, also, ideal reading for anyone who’s looking to improve their relationships at work or school (or anywhere for that matter) – but since our focus is on families… we’ll just stay seated around the dining room table rather than a board room table.

The food’s better anyway.

As I said, I read People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys on my iPad – so I couldn’t highlight or underline extra-insightful and/or humorous quotes and paragraphs. I could, however, write them down – and I did just that. You never saw so many notes and notations!

…. Your emotions got the best of you, and your crazy person has you dangling in her grip like a bungee jump gone bad…. Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

True story: One night a History Channel show that my husband and I wouldn’t miss for a million dollars had just gone off. I knew I had about 15 minutes to read a little something before bedtime, so I grabbed my iPad to read from one of my e-books. I flew past PCDYCIFDGTTK (looks like a cat just walked across the keyboard, doesn’t it?) and chose an Agatha Christie mystery I was in the middle of. Why? I didn’t have my pen and notebook with me and I knew that even just 15 minutes with PCDYCIFDGTTK would have produced more than a few note-worthy points.

It’s that good.

For one thing, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys is a very enjoyable and entertaining read. The author is absolutely hilarious. I’ve read that he’s a popular speaker and I can absolutely see why. GREAT sense of humor. The sense of humor and warm stories about his own family and friends (including precious granddaughters) make for a very, very special book.

A certain passage about the author’s oldest granddaughter reminded me so much of my oldest daughter (Emily) that it’s beyond uncanny. I was delighted – the world can never have too many colorful, detail-oriented, little girls who march to the beat of their own drum. They grow up to be colorful, detail-oriented young women who just keep on marching.

People Can’t.. is also a really “fast reading” book. When you aren’t taking notes, that is.

A lot of self help or self improvement books are good, while you’re reading them, but fail to “stick.” This is not one of those books. It’s fantastic while you’re in the middle of it, and it sticks like super glue.

History brings us to where we are right now, but it doesn’t have to dictate how we respond in the future. – Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

I will, in the foreseeable future often quote or refer back to this wonderful book. However, I have to give you one of the most profound messages or points from the author and his wonderful book.

Ever read a quote or a passage that is so profound and packs such a wallop that you go back and re-read it… allowing it to wallop you from the other side? Early in the book, Mike Bechtle hits the nail on the head when he says, “Never allow yourself to become a victim of anyone else’s shortcomings or weaknesses.”

I read a lot. A LOT. But it has been ages since a single cluster of words had such an impact on me. When we allow others to impact our peacefulness or happiness, we become their victim. This could be anyone..

rude servers
inefficient store clerks
family members
co-workers
friends
toxic people online…. I’m looking at you social media…

…. anyone, anywhere, anytime. If we allow them to remove us from where we want to be —- content, peaceful, happy —- and place us anywhere else, we are at their mercy. Worse, we are their victim.

I guess I’d just never thought of it that way before. Since reading (and re-reading) the words, however, I’ve thought about it plenty! There are a lot of jackals in this world, after all. Not one has victimized me since.

Not even vile online toxicity rattles my cage anymore. If I see someone being a complete jackal, I just thank God that it isn’t my jackal and go about my business.

Book Synopsis: Strange as it may seem, other people are not nearly as committed to our happiness as we are. In fact, sometimes they seem like they’re on a mission to make us miserable! There’s always that one person. The one who hijacks your emotions and makes you crazy. The one who seems to thrive on drama. If you could just FIX that person, everything would be better. But we can’t fix other people – we can only make choices about ourselves. In this cut-to-the-chase book, communication expert Mike Bechtle shows readers that they don’t have to be victims of other people’s craziness.

With commonsense wisdom and practical advice that can be implemented immediately, Bechtle gives readers a proven strategy to handle crazy people.

More than just offering a set of techniques, Bechtle offers a new perspective that will change readers’ lives as they deal with those difficult people who just won’t go away.

How Can People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys help You?

Let’s get right down to it, want to? Why should you get your hands, eyes, and possibly ears on this book as soon as possible?

Because you deserve to be happy. Simple as that.

Yes, reading this book can help you keep peace within your family. Yes, the author’s wonderful advice can help you get along with even the craziest of the crazies, at work or home. Yes, if you read this book and allow it to sink in, you can have the kind of peaceful, happy family holidays you see in tv commercials.

But, just for a minute, don’t think about any of that. Just for a minute, put everyone and everything else out of your mind and only think about yourself. It isn’t easy to live in a world of crazies – they’re everywhere, after all. They can, and will, leave their footprints on your psyche. You’ll find yourself coming unglued, sighing deeply, whining, crying, and arguing with people over the silliest things. If it continues, you may even find yourself unable to sleep or unwind as well as you once did and your health can (and will) pay for the turmoil.

A lack of harmony in your life and an inability to “deal” with the handiwork of a crazy person can affect every corner of your life.

This book will help you clean out those corners. You’ll be happier and, as a result, everyone around you will be happier.

Think about it – if you feel tension in your family or at work, everyone feels it. A tense individual in a room is like a caged tiger. Everyone focuses on the show, holding their breath waiting for the roar.

If you aren’t handling your crazy person (or crazy people, if you’re an over-achiever) well, you’re making everyone around you tense, unhappy, and downright miserable. Whether you encounter your crazies at work or home, you will be happier when you know how to cope with them.

You know I always level with my readers – and I’m telling you right now, this is a book you have to read. This one’s a life-changer. ~ Joi

People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (paperback link)
People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Kindle edition link)
People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys (CD)
People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Audible Audio)

“Never allow yourself to become a victim of anyone else’s shortcomings or weaknesses.” – Mike Bechtle

Having a Happier Family Means Accepting People as they Are

February 9, 2015 by Joi Leave a Comment

Carly

Continuing the Focus of 2015: Building a Happier Family!

See the character above? Her name was Carly and she was a pill. A perfect pill. When people see this picture they inevitably ask me, “Was she yawning?” While it’s an understandable assumption, she was actually doing something I called Meow-ling – something she, and only she, ever managed to do… a combination of meowing like a normal cat and howling like a wolf.

Neither of which she was.

More about her in a moment, but be assured, she does have a contribution to make to our Building a Happier Family focus.

Families are made up of family members and these members are each individuals in every sense of the word. If we were all alike, there probably wouldn’t be any disputes, rolling of the eyes, disagreements, or expressions that beg an answer to, “What is with this person????”

Things would be peaceful, but they’d get boring fast.

Carly with two of her babies, Bo and Adam

In the second picture, you’ll notice that Carly is pictured (with attitude intact) with two of her three babies, Bo and Adam. Like Carly, Bo will play a role in this post.

Over the years, I have had far (far, far, far, far) too many cats to even begin to count. However, Carly and Bo stand out from the rest for completely opposite reasons. Their temperaments are also perfect for taking a closer look at our family members and close friends – the individuals who, ultimately, have a large say in how happy we are.

Most humans will fall somewhere in between Carly and Bo – but, make no mistake about it, they’ll probably lean heavily in one direction or the other.

The Carlys of the World

Carly was born into our family over ten years ago. Her mother, Bree, was a very small, dainty, sweet-natured cat. From the start, it was obvious that Carly would not carry on Bree’s sweet tradition. From the time she was able to be handled, right up to the day (years later) when she disappeared, we always kept band-aids and first aid ointment on hand.

Heck, we usually just kept it on the counter – as we knew it’d be needed at some point.

I had it in my mind that the more I handled Carly, the sweeter she’d become and the less apt she’d be to scratch arms, hands, and fingers.

For a span of 6 years, I had ever-present scratches on my arms and hands.

You could be in the middle of pouring food on her plate and SWASH, you’d feel a scratch on your hand. She would purr the entire time – that’s what always amazed me. My little beauty enjoyed tormenting her humans.

Carly’s attitude was even obvious on her face – even from a kitten. She didn’t sit and stare at her surroundings like most animals… she sat and glared. The picture above (with two of her kittens) displays this expression perfectly. Ears pulled back, cheekbones tight, mouth pursed… that was my girl.

Carly would often “bop” other cats on the head for absolutely no reason. I’d watch her as she’d quietly position herself higher than her victim, then gasp as she lowered the boom. The claws were never out when she did her patented head bopping – but the message was always received. The “bopped” was to remove himself/herself from the “bopper’s” presence. They never failed to do so.

When, a few years back, Grumpy Cat became an internet sensation, I thought, “Big deal. I knew the original.” In fact, Carly made Grumpy Cat look like pushover. A ridiculously high-on-life pushover.

Some people are kind of like Carly was. Their “resting” facial expression is a snarl and if they ever have anything pleasant to say about anyone, you all but faint.

Once, an especially bad storm was coming and my daughters and I rounded up Carly and her babies to bring inside until it passed (hoping our inside cat, Prissy, would look the other way for a few hours). I volunteered to hold Carly and thought I just might require a blood transfusion.

They’re what would be referred to as “difficult” people. Those that aren’t always easy to get along with and aren’t ever easy to understand. They may not (I certainly hope not, anyway) bop other people on the head with their hands – but they will try to “emotionally” bop them with jabs, insults, rudeness, snarliness. The end game is pretty much the same: I want to be left alone.

The sad thing for human Carlys is this, one day they probably will be left alone. All alone.

Carly wasn’t always a little grouch, mind you. She had moments when she’d purr without scratching. She’d allow me to hold her as we walked around the yard or even sit in my lap occasionally while watching birds.

She filled my days with so much amusement – I gotta admit, I found her cranky disposition funny. Even the head bops.

(Continued beneath the handsome picture…)

The Bos of the World

Bo. The name should be synonymous with sweetness. This cat was one in a billion. Sure, I’ve had ridiculously sweet cats over the years – including the ones who currently grace our family. But there was just something different about Bo. Something that was decidedly UN-catlike. For one thing, most cats aren’t that wild about being held. Bo would stand up against your leg, requesting to be picked up and held. If he was put back down before he was ready for it, he’d simply request another trip up.

Our youngest daughter would wrap him up in a blanket (like a baby) and hold him and he would purr with delight. She’d lay down with him bundled up and they’d both sleep for hours.

I’ve never known a cat so intent on cuddling and “lovey dovey” as Bo was.

Where Carly’s attitude was decidedly, “What can you do for me to make me happy??,” Bo’s attitude seemed to be, “What can I do that’ll make you happy… because that’s what makes me happy?!”

Something else that separated him from most cats was his VERY laid-back disposition. Storms freaked Carly out as they do most cats. In fact, every cat I’ve ever had hated storms.

Except Bo. He’d just go right on about his business. He’d open his eyes when it thundered and even twitch his whiskers when lightning struck – but I always got the impression he was more amused by storms than annoyed by them.

Some humans are like Bo – uncommonly dialed into a Zen channel. Not only do they not cause drama, they do all they can to avoid it. All they’re after is a world filled with laughter.

And hugs. Lots of hugs.

If you have a room full of Bos, there will be NO drama until… you guessed it… a Carly arrives on the scene.

Here’s the funny thing, though, and something we’d all do well to think about: I loved Carly with all my heart, just as I loved Bo with all my heart. They disappeared (as outside cats in the country often do) years ago – several years apart.

For months, I watched out the window for each them. At any point then.. or now… I’d have given a million dollars to see either one stroll up the yard.

Either one. I loved them equally and, if I had one million dollars to spend on the return of one… I’d never be able to pick one. That seems kind of strange, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you think I’d go for the one that came with blankets instead of Band-Aids?!

But there you have it. They were each members of the family – warts and all.

We all have to remember that about each member of our human family. There may be things about their disposition or temperament that we don’t identify with. They may come across as snarly at times and downright rude other times.

But they’re our “Carlys” and we’d be completely lost without them.

Tips for Dealing with Carlys

Say, “I’m not going to be able to change this person.” Now say it again. In fact, say it until you accept it! A person’s basic disposition, temperament, and personality are what makes them THEM. You can’t change who they are… and, can we be honest for a minute? You shouldn’t want to. Accept them as they are and avoid the head bops whenever you can.
Improve your People Reading skills. When a “Carly” is in a bad mood, it usually shows on their face. Maybe I’m extra perceptive, but I can even tell from the “energy” a person puts off whether they’re in a good way or not. When they’re in a bad way – I simply stay clear until it’s safe. You get fewer bops that way.
Don’t push it. Imagine that Carly had been in a particularly cranky mood one day. Imagine that, just that morning, she’d scratched both of my arms and hissed at every cat in the county. How many shades of stupid would I have to be to walk out, scoop her up, and plant one right between her eyes. It would have meant a trip to the ER. If someone is in a dark mood, don’t try to “pull” or “push” them out – UNLESS their personal temperament responds to this approach Most do not, however, respond at all to the taffy approach. It just makes things worse.

In the end, it comes down to acceptance and amusement. Accept who they are and how they are and, when possible, try to see the amusement in the situation. Above all, do not… do not take their temperament or disposition personally. Carly loved me more than anyone, and yet, guess who wore Band-Aids more than she wore socks for years?! I knew it wasn’t ME… it was HER. Taking it personally would have a waste of time and energy.

I’d have been a real sap.

Remind yourself that families are made up of all kinds of people. Love them and enjoy them as they are. Any time spent trying to change them or wishing they were different is simply time wasted.

~ Joi

EDIT: It should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway – The Carlys I’m referring to are not physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive. People like that aren’t
Carlys, they’re jackasses. What’s more, they aren’t to be tolerated. Period.