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Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard

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Beautiful Tree
A few posts back, I mentioned the number of women I’ve personally heard from (and others who I have read about) who are currently struggling with what they call the “Empty Nest Syndrome” or as one lady (who’s kids still live at home) referred to as the “May as Well Be An Empty Nest Because the Birds are Always Gone Syndrome.”

As I’ve said before, I HATE the term “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  What is empty? The total absence of anything. If my coffee cup is empty – – – something that rarely happens, but that’s another story – – –  the cup is without anything in it.  Empty.  Nothing there.

If a home is empty, there isn’t anyone in it.  Empty.  No one there.

I was walking around my yard a few weeks ago when I saw a bird’s nest on the ground.  I, hesitantly, turned it over to see if anything was beneath it.  I was greatly relieved to find that the nest was empty.  No one home when it came crashing down.  Now that’s an EMPTY NEST.

A home in which at least one parent, often two, are living is anything but empty.

What you’re experiencing (and if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re going through the experience or, at least, know that it exists on the horizon) is simply another chapter in your life.  It’s a chapter that’s simply a little quieter with a little more “free time.”  From here on, I’ll refer to the aforementioned syndrome as the “Quiet House Chapter.”

The thing that makes this chapter seem so drastically and dramatically different is that it’s a huge transition.  You go from walking out to the car, one day, with multiple kids fighting over who’s turn it is to sit up front to walking out to the same car the next day with only your shadow as a companion.  He, or she, calls shotgun and off you go.

You go from making lunch for a party of 2, 3, 4, or 5 to making lunch for a party of one – two if your cat’s awake.

It’s not the end of the world, though, and I get crazy upset with people who act like it is.  It’s a new chapter, that’s all, and as any book lover knows, new chapters can be exciting.  New chapters can be challenging.  And new chapters can be, dare I say it, fun!

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to any of the emotions felt.   I’m a mother bird, too.  God blessed me more than I ever thought was possible when he allowed me to become a mother to three beautiful daughters who I love and cherish more than my next breath.  I’d wager to say that this transition in life is even tougher on mothers such as myself, who were stay-at-home moms while raising their children.

To compound the matter, this particular stay-at-home mom also home-schooled her children all the way through school.  That’s a lot of years of sitting at the table studying history, going to the library, picnics at the park, making lunch together, and so forth.

That’s why, I believe with all my heart, that my family has been kind of nonchalantly keeping an eye on me – waiting for Mother Hen’s wig to flip.  They know that my family is my life – they always have been and they always will be.  It doesn’t matter if we’re currently under the same roof or not.  Family is family no matter where they count their sheep.

When you get down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a working parent, a work at home parent, or a home-schooling parent,  when the life that you dearly love with every fiber of your being changes – it throws you.  What you have to do is make sure it throws you forward.  Allow it to make you stronger, not weaker.  Demand that it make you better, not bitter.

And, please let the only parties you throw be happy ones, as in no pity parties allowed.  I promise, you’ll be the only one there.

Whether you’re kids are living at home (yet seem to be gone all the time) or they’ve already moved out, there are certain tips for coping with the “Quiet House Chapter” as well as a little homespun advice from a Mother Hen who’s proverbial wig is still in place.

Playing in the Next Room

Here’s something I shared with one reader a few months ago.  I got an e-mail from her yesterday and she said the advice has worked “brilliantly” for her.  I could tell, just by reading her words that she was in a much better place.  The first few times she contacted me, I could almost “hear” tears in her words – this time I’m almost certain there was laughter.

Remember when your kids were small and they’d play in their bedroom or the living room?  Even if you were in the kitchen, you knew where they were – playing in the next room.  The concept of them staying in the same room you were in, 24-7, would have seemed bizarre.  Even though they played in the next room, you were their parent and they were your child and you loved them with all your heart.  You knew they were just a “call” away – whether it were you doing the “calling” because supper was ready or they did the “calling” because someone took their Barbie!

You were 1 call away.

When your kids are older and they seem to spend more time at the mall than their own bedroom, or they move out on their own or go off to college – it will truly help you to think of them as “playing in the next room.”   The beautiful thing is, you’re still just a “call” away.  Whether it’s you making the “call” because you’re making their favorite casserole for supper or they’re making the “call” because they want to know if paper plates are microwavable – you’re still 1 call away.

Pull Yourself Together

There will be days when you feel kind of sad.  There will be days when you think you’d give anything to turn back time.  There will be days when you’re kind of lonely.  It might remind you of when you, yourself, moved away from home for the first time – another huge chapter in your life.  But remember this:  Nothing really changed, did it?

Well, actually, very often things change for the better.  I honestly believe I grew closer to both my mother and my father after I got married.  The crazy thing is, I’m almost certain I saw them more often – especially when the granddaughters came!  I had them over for dinner several nights a week, we went shopping more often, we walked at the park, my mom always made Sunday dinner, my father and my husband talked for hours about sports…

Keep one thing in mind:  How you act as you enter this new chapter will determine just how much everyone will want to be around you!  If you make your kids, or husband, feel guilty or try to make them feel sorry for you – you will push them away.  No one wants to take a guilt trip – they’ll simply avoid the risk by avoiding you.  If, every time one of your kids calls you spend half the conversation talking about how lonely or miserable you are, do you really think they’re going to rush to the phone to call you again any time soon?

For your sake as much as the sake of your family, if you’re coming undone over the Quiet House Chapter, pull yourself together.

Idle Minds Are the Devil’s Workshop

Maybe it’s not the nest that’s as empty as it is the life.  I know, ouch. Many times parents get so wrapped up in raising, teaching, caring for, and playing with their children that they overlook one tiny little thing – everyone has to have their own life, their own interests, their own goals, their own ambitions, and their own smiles.

Yes, their own smiles.

When parents look at their children – we smile!  Even if the child is being a cantankerous little snot, on some level it amuses us. There’s nothing in the world wrong with smiling at your kids – I smile just thinking about mine.  What’s wrong is acting like they’re the only thing that can bring a smile to your face.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there – filled with, literally, countless things to smile at and about.

Never let anyone feel that one of their responsibilities in life is to flip your happiness switch.  Flip your own!

When the Quiet House Chapter begins, you’ll find yourself with lots of free time and free thoughts.  This is where the chapter takes on a certain level of excitement – you get to fill this free time and these free thoughts any way you want.  No one’s dictating what you have to do from this time to that time.    You can take up new hobbies, learn new skills, take up yoga, launch a home business, or write the next great vampire novel.

Below is a list of different adventures you might want to take:

  • Take up bird watching.
  • Go to the Animal Shelter and rescue a dog who looks lonely.
  • Rescue two!
  • Learn to speak a new language
  • Learn cake decorating.
  • Take online classes in a subject that fascinates you.
  • Take up photography. This is one of my favorites! One of my favorite things to photograph (besides my family and cats) is trees. This tree hugger is never happier than when she’s out getting “the money shot” involving a tree that has caught my eye. The tree at the top of the post is a personal favorite.
  • Learn everything you can about sharks, whales, dolphins, and the ocean.
  • Volunteer.
  • Begin reading all of Agatha Christie’s mysteries.  Start at the first and keep going until you’ve read them all.
  • Go to the shelter and adopt a couple of kittens.  Cats make incredible companions.
  • Grow an herb garden.
  • Buy a couple of yoga dvds, a great yoga book, and fall in love with the experience.
  • Take up serious walking or biking.
  • Take trips to your local state parks and zoos.
  • Go to the Grand Old Opry.
  • Learn to play an instrument. Check out guitar lessons from TakeLessons.
  • Make candles, soap, jewelry, or all three.
  • Buy a sewing machine and take up sewing.
  • Learn to quilt.
  • Perfect your homemade bread recipe.
  • Start an eBay business – find great deals on antiques and collectibles, then sell them for extra cash.
  • Visit your library regularly.  Scourge the shelves for fascinating new subjects to read about.
  • Buy a bird!
  • Start an aquarium.
  • Buy hamsters and provide elaborate cages and mazes for them.
  • Start watching a sport you’ve never watched before. Pick a team and follow their every game.
  • Learn to make a great cake from scratch – then experiment with different recipes.

I know I mention pets a great deal – but, for one thing, I’m the biggest animal lover in the world… and for another, they STAY babies!

If you decide to pursue a certain interest, buy all the books and dvds you can find on the subject – check out books at the library, research it online, and embrace the fascinating new passion with all you have inside of you.

Please just remember this – it’s something I harp on a great deal on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds:  Never, ever stop living – the day you do, you start dying.  If you wake up one morning and you just aren’t sure you have any reason to laugh, find one!  When we move from one chapter to the next in life, there are a couple of things that are RIPE for picking:

  1. We can become bitter, sad, and refuse to make the transition from one chapter to the next.  We can keep looking back, with tear-stained eyes at the chapters we’ve already lived and make everyone around us nearly as miserable as we are.  We can make it so that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations – other than “Well, I hope YOU’RE happy.” and “I’m so LONELY.”  (Wonderful, wonderful conversation nuggets, don’t you think.)
  2. We can look back on our past chapters with joy and pride, while embracing the one we’re currently living in with all that’s within us.  We can become so busy learning new things and taking up new interests and hobbies that our spouse and our kids simply don’t know what we’re going to come up with next!  My oldest daughter was a little taken aback yesterday when I called her out to my garden to show her something I’d found:  On a sage leaf was the largest (HUGE) yellow spider I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so proud!  I had her take a picture of my sage loving friend.  My sweet, petite, lovely daughter said, “Kill it!” a couple of times but why would I go and do a thing like that?!  Yes, I’ve become fascinated with spiders.  I guess it was only a matter of time.   The mammoth spider lived to see another day and he provided me with another interest to pursue.

Life is filled with excitement, fun, and fascinating moments – as long as you keep looking for them.  I don’t beg often, but if you’re currently going through this chapter in your life, I beg you to fill your days with reasons to smile…  and, no they don’t have to be spiders!

If you ever want a sounding board, my e-mail is on the site.   Now, I’m off to the garden to see if  “Sargent Sage” is lurking around. Such a handsome devil.

Relationships: Handle With Care

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Relationships. Two of my daughters (Emily and Stephany) and I recently had a killer discussion about relationships – not just romantic relationships.  We went deep –  delving into what we thinks makes any and all relationships work, as well as the things that keep them from working.

Deep waters for a Wednesday afternoon walk, but it kept our minds off of the heat.

We all agreed that treating others with kindness and respect were pivotal ingredients of a healthy relationship.  All three of us love nothing more than laughing, so we immediately agreed that any relationship without humor is… well… headed nowhere fast.  As for the romantic relationships, we agreed that putting the other person needs ahead of your own is VITAL.

We also hit upon something else that I thought was pretty key.

I told my girls that I’ve been getting A LOT of e-mails lately from mothers who are either experiencing an “empty nest,” dreading the “empty nest,” or are learning to  make the adjustment from small children to the young adult variety.

I’m not sure what this surge in sad moms is attributed to, but my heart goes out to my fellow madres.

First of all, I have to say that (with all due respect to anyone who uses or has ever used the phrase “empty nest syndrome” – I hate that expression with a peculiar hatred).  For one thing, most of the time the so-called nest is still occupied by one or two parents…. often a cat or dog…. sometimes all of the above – at any rate, this does not an “empty” nest make.

More importantly, it doesn’t make an “empty” life.

I think that when someone feels emptiness in any area of their life, they should fill it.  Often it’s not the nest that’s empty – it’s the life.  At any rate, I have future articles planned for this very subject, with lots of tips and tricks of the trade to help these parents make these transitions with grace.

It’s so much better for all involved!

The reason I bring these particular parents up at the moment is because many of them make a perfect illustration for another key element in relationships.

Here’s a scenario (mark it down, it’s happening somewhere in the world even as you’re reading these words):  A mother is left at home while her husband is off at a ballgame.  The kids (who once would be watching television or making lovely noise that fills the house) are now suddenly on dates, at school, or out with friends.

When everyone comes home, they’re met with an icy stare and an attitude hiding a broken heart.  When they finally get her to speak (occasionally it takes a while to break the ice), she hits them each right between the eyes and nearly knocks them to the floor with what has become a potent weapon: Guilt trips.

Naturally, nothing good comes from it.  Instead of curing the ills of one person, suddenly the whole family is miserable.  The problem is the husband and, especially the kids, have no point of reference.

Too often, all of us expect the other person or persons to understand how we FEEL – when that’s next to impossible… they’ve never been in the peculiar situation we’re in and have no point of reference.

It’s foreign to them, so asking them to “understand” is nearly impossible.  Everyone winds up frustrated and – in the end – the one who started the ball rolling wishes with all their might they’d just held the ball.  Sat on the ball. Swallowed the ball.

The same goes for the father who has worked hard to pay for his tools and rides his son extra hard to put them back, gently, where they belong.  The young son doesn’t  have a point of reference since he hasn’t had to work hard and save for something as nice as the tools his dad now treats so carefully.

The dad can blow up (and many do) but, in the end – what does the son wind up thinking, “Hot head! Why doesn’t he just chill… they’re tools for crying out loud?!”

No point of reference.

How about the wife who loses patience with her husband because he doesn’t want to “talk things out?”  She’s accustomed to talking until her lips are numb with her mother, sisters, and friends.  What’s his problem? Males don’t grow up “talking things out” – guess they’re too busy saving for, buying, and standing guard duty on their tools. (Sorry, guys – much love to you and your tools.)

I’m not saying that when we’re hurt we should keep a lid on it. No, no, no, not even close.

However, I am suggesting a few things:

  1. Before giving your emotions a voice, let the emotions come down a few decibels. If you speak when you’re angry or hurt, the words that come out of your mouth aren’t the words you’d “sign off on” if you were in your right frame of mind.  You’d want to edit the heck out of them.  Angry words are stones hurled at relationships.
  2. Sometimes, if you give your emotions a little break (by watching a baseball game, taking a shower, taking a walk, visiting Mayberry with Andy Griffith…) – they’ll be much more reasonable when you call upon them to testify.
  3. Even better, often if you give your emotions a much-needed break, you’ll find out that what you thought was worth blowing up over actually doesn’t even warrant a mention. Your relationship will remain intact and you can save your “anger card” for a more appropriate time.
  4. If, after the break, you feel that your emotions need to be heard (and often this is the case), do so in a manner that your point will come across rather than your anger or pain.  Don’t go on the attack.  Doing so will only cause the other person to throw up every shield and response mechanism they can find. Then a fight is more than likely to go down.  Then, make no mistake about it, your point is toast.  You are instantly public enemy number 1.  Anyone who happens to be caught in the crossfire will see you as little more than a public nuisance as well.  Be calm. Be reasonable. Be mature.  Be an adult.
  5. Take selfishness out of the equation.  If you’re feeling ignored, put upon, over-worked, slighted, etc – ask yourself, “And when did the world start revolving around me?”  Some of the things people get bent out of shape over remind me of 5 year olds on a playground.  “She said this!… He isn’t letting me have the ball!… She won’t play with me!….”  Kids on a playground don’t think of the other kids.  They think of themselves.  They don’t think, “I bet he’d love to play with this ball.  I’ve had it for a long time, I’m going to let him play with it.”  Adults should be capable of  thinking outside of the parameters of self.  We don’t always do it, but we’re more than capable!  Relationships require mature individuals thinking about the other person as opposed to just thinking about themselves.
  6. Every now and then ask yourself if you’re a fun person to hang around!  Do you look for the good in life? Do you look for the good in people?  Do you like to complain and moan a little too much – so much so that it’s become a habit? Do you love to laugh and, if you can’t find a reason to laugh, create a reason?!
  7. Show the people you love that they’re the people you love.

Relationships. Think about the word over the coming days.  The relationships in my life are my riches.  I value them more than a cat values her next meal, more than a girl values her cellphone, more than a boy values his X box, more than a baby values milk, and – yes – even more than a man values his Sears tools (If I knew a great brand, I’d use it – I could walk out to my husband’s toolbox and check the name written on the handle, but I might trigger the alarm system…).   Relationships are more valuable than gold but, unfortunately, they can also be more fragile than glass.

You’ll do yourself the biggest, grandest, most supreme favor ever if you’ll begin treating your relationships with this in mind.

Relationship Reminders:

  • What’s said cannot ever be unsaid.
  • What’s done cannot ever be undone.
  • People usually forgive but they never forget.
  • Every word out of your mouth paints the picture of your reputation and pens your autobiography.
  • Be the person you’d want to be around.  If you’re a wife, be the sort of wife you’d want to have.  If you’re a husband, be the sort of husband you’d want to have.  If you’re a daughter, be the sort of daughter you’d want to have. If you’re a son, be the sort of son you’d want to have.  If you’re a mother, be the sort of mother you’d want to have.  If you’re a father, be the sort of father you’d want to have….
  • Keep in mind that the other person may not have a point of reference.  They aren’t trying to mistreat you or cause you mental anguish – very often, they simply don’t understand where you’re coming from.  If you aren’t conveying the message in a way they “get,” the fault isn’t entirely theirs.  Make your point, but please make sure it’s worth making first.
  • Remember, it isn’t always about you.  It really isn’t.
  • Remember, sometimes it is about you. Contradiction? Not really. (Read the article on the other side of the link!)

I want you to have the best life possible – filled with the happiest days and nights imaginable.  I know that this isn’t possible if you don’t start treating your relationships as the valuable treasures they are.  Please don’t take people for granted and please don’t ever, ever treat them as though they just don’t quite measure up. The people you love deserve so much better than that.

When it comes to relationships, when all’s said and done: You’ll wish you’d said less and done more.

~ Joi