I have had people offer to send me books to review on Self Help Daily (as well as my other blogs) only to politely and graciously decline simply because I didn’t want to “go there” with my emotions leading the way. As the mother of three daughters who make my world go around, I have declined at least 4 different books involving parents who had lost their child.
A person has to know their limits and I’m woefully familiar with mine.
When I was offered a review copy of Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, I impulsively clicked the “Reply” arrow while sorting out my reply, “I am so very sorry for your loss (because that’s most certainly what it is)… but I simply…”
Then I stopped. The realization that this mother/author is going through something in life that others are experiencing and that she could offer a helping hand and understanding heart to them made me close the e-mail. I decided, in that minute, that if she was brave enough to write what had to have been an incredibly painful book I could certainly be brave enough to read it.
When I did reply, my brain told my heart, “I got this.”
Later that day, it occurred to me just how brave and selfless this mother is. Can you imagine reliving unspeakably painful memories simply in an effort to reach out and comfort others who are hurting? She didn’t write the book in an effort to bring her estranged child back into her arms.
If only it were that simple.
She wrote the book for others who’s arms also ache for their children.
B-R-A-V-E.
When Adult Children Disown Their Parents
Before hearing about this book, I had actually heard of a few instances of adult children abandoning their parents and, usually, their entire family. I’m not going to lie to you, this is something that doesn’t just break my heart, it shatters it. When a person walks away from a lifetime of love and caring – turning his/her back on the people who gave them life and, literally, cherished their every breath is unthinkable to me.
I believe this type of person to be the embodiment of selfishness.
While I have little sympathy for adult children who turn their back on their parents, I have to say this: The day will come when they will be racked with so much guilt and remorse that they will not be able to stand. It will be too late, then, and the pain they will feel will take their breath away. That doesn’t make me happy, of course. Crippling pain never does.
I could go on and on (trust me) about the adult children who do this. I could point out that many are guilty of emotional abuse when it comes to the way they treat their parents… I could point out that many do this because of a deep-seeded fear of losing their parents to age and death… I could point out that these individuals need therapy… BUT this isn’t about them.
This is about the innocent ones.
Done with the Crying (and this review, for that matter) wants to help pick up the pieces and, more importantly, help hurting moms and dads find a way to make everything “fit” again.
Yes, even without a missing piece. Life is still beautiful and happiness is still possible.
While it seems painfully simplistic, the truth of the matter is, you have a choice: Keep looking at the vacancy left by the missing piece or look at all the pieces that are still in place. The ones who stayed.
From the Back Cover:
Mothers of estranged adult children face a special sorrow. When even hope hurts, it’s time to make a change. Take charge of your health and happiness.As a loving mother of five to whom the unthinkable happened, Sheri McGregor knows the shock of estrangement that wrings you dry, triggers denial, anger, and even shame. Inside, you’ll find practical examples, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. You can be happy again. With useful tools and understanding, Sheri McGregor helps you plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.
“Thank you for Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. The book is a must read for parents of estranged adult children and mental health professionals working with these families. Sheri McGregor’s work is a breath of fresh air offering a new perspective and providing support, encouragement, resources, and compassion to good parents that have found themselves in an unimaginable situation. ” —-Maritza Parks, LMHC, Inspired Journey Counseling
Allow me to say, right up front, that I cannot even begin to imagine this level of pain. I have lost loved ones to death, of course, and while that hurts and leaves a gaping wound – at least I know they didn’t walk away from me. I would imagine that this type of pain feels like a wound that just won’t heal. I can imagine that a parent of estranged adult children often feel hope, only to see it dashed again.
As the Bible says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick…” and this level of sickness is simply unthinkable.
About the Author
Sheri McGregor holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a Master’s in human behavior, and is a certified life coach. She serves on the advisory board for National University’s College of Letters and Sciences. As a prolific writer, McGregor’s articles on psychology, health, human behavior, and a variety of other topics have appeared in dozens of national and international publications. She has written for anthologies, websites, and organizations including the non-profit Families for Depression Awareness. Her two novels were first printed in the U.S., and then translated into several languages around the globe. McGregor’s hiking guides for the San Diego area are popular among outdoor enthusiasts and armchair readers alike. She leads readers down the trails with descriptions that reveal her appreciation for nature and how it calms the mind. McGregor’s work to help parents of estranged adult children began at RejectedParents.NET, which she founded in 2013.
{Review Continued Below….}
- Reading the author’s story will help you realize there is nothing wrong with you. You can see YOUR story in HER story and realize that you are most certainly not an isolated case. You will see that this does happen to good parents – parents who did not do anything wrong. I can’t help but think that kicking unnecessary feelings of guilt to the curb is the first step in healing. Why? As long as you feel guilty, you won’t allow yourself to heal. You’ll use the pain as punishment you WRONGLY think you deserve. You haven’t done anything wrong. This isn’t about you and it never was – it’s your child who walked away. Not you.
- You are not alone! Isolation is a terrible feeling, isn’t it? When you feel like no one understands, it makes the pain even more unbearable. Done With the Crying connects you with more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. 9,000! Now that’s what I call a support group.
- Working through your emotions is much more effective than ignoring them. The author has even included wonderful written exercises to help you work through your emotions – which will help the healing process. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
- Learn to be happy again. As I said above (in innocent simplicity), you have to stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what is there. Staring at what isn’t robs from what is.
- Realize that you still have so many things in your life to be thankful for. Don’t let one person victimize you or your loved ones any more than they already have. Sometimes you have to literally say enough is enough.
- While Mothers are mentioned on the cover, dads, this is for you too! Done with the Crying is for any (and all) family member who wants to heal and move forward.
- Learn to live again. You have the rest of your life ahead of you! This wonderful book will help you see how you can hold your chin up high, dry your eyes, and get on with your life. It’ll remind you to focus on the ones who HAVE your back and stop allowing the one who TURNED their back to steal any more of your happiness.
From Amazon: In Done with the Crying, Sheri McGregor, M.A., helps parents break free from emotional pain—and move forward in their own lives.
As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.
You can be happy again. In a calm yet authoritative voice, and with exercises derived from her work as a life coach and her own recovery, McGregor helps mothers who did their best to come to terms with their estranged adult child’s choices, and regain their health and happiness.
To fathers of estranged adult children—this book can help you, too. “Ninety-three percent of the parents who answer my survey at RejectedParents.Net are mothers,” says Sheri McGregor. “That’s why the title is directed at them. But many of the book’s examples are from couples, and include the experiences of fathers. Some passages directly highlight men’s reactions, including my husband’s. The principles presented are relevant to fathers, and the strategies for coping can be used by anyone.”
In this encouraging and comprehensive book, McGregor fully covers the phenomenon of estranged adult children from families who never expected a son or daughter to cut ties and walk away.
Nine in-depth chapters provide dozens of inspiring examples from among the thousands of parents of estranged adult children. Gain understanding and practical help from a mother who knows the pain of this devastating loss with all its uncertainty and heartache. Hope can remain, but you don’t have to stay stalled, forever waiting. You can move past the disbelief and distress. Take charge. Reclaim yourself and your life—only maybe even better.
One Step at a Time
A few years back, my husband, our youngest daughter (Stephany), her boyfriend, and I were walking at a State Park here in Kentucky. It was a blistering hot day and to make matters worse, Steph and I had been sick for a few weeks. We were both feeling incredibly weak, but neither one of us wanted to cut the boys’ fun short. Occasionally, as we walked through the park that refused to end, we’d look at each other like, “Is this agony, or what?”
Once when the boys were ahead of us (okay, when weren’t they?), I whispered to her, “Do you legs feel like noodles?” to which she said, “Very wet, very painful noodles. I think I might just die.” I echoed the sentiments and reassured her we’d probably make it out alive.
Before we could get (happily) back to our air-conditioned vehicle, a set of concrete steps loomed before us. We exchanged another look and I tried to convey a motherly “One step at a time” message to her with my eyes.
Each step took more out of us than we thought we had to give. Halfway up, we each stopped and caught our breath. At that halfway point, I distinctly remember wondering, “What would they all say if I just sat down for 10… 20… 90 minutes?” Naturally, we kept going. Was it easy? Heck no. But we made it.
One painful step at a time.
What came at the end of the agonizing steps? An air-conditioned vehicle with plush seats that drove us straight to an air-conditioned restaurant with plush booths, iced sweet tea and delicious food.
We didn’t go from grimacing to grinning in the wink of an eye. It took a series of steps which, of course, began with taking the first one.
If you are a parent of an estranged child, please see Done with the Crying for what it is…. your first step. I am hoping and literally praying that each parent who is in this painful situation gets their hands on this book. If you know someone who needs healing, please give them their first step.
Happiness and even joy are waiting for you on the other side of a series of steps. Please take the first one now….
For more help and support, see Rejected Parents.net.
~ Joi (“Joy”)