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Having a Happier Family Means Accepting People as they Are

February 9, 2015 by Joi Leave a Comment

Carly

Carly

Continuing the Focus of 2015: Building a Happier Family!

See the character above? Her name was Carly and she was a pill. A perfect pill. When people see this picture they inevitably ask me, “Was she yawning?” While it’s an understandable assumption, she was actually doing something I called Meow-ling – something she, and only she, ever managed to do… a combination of meowing like a normal cat and howling like a wolf.

Neither of which she was.

More about her in a moment, but be assured, she does have a contribution to make to our Building a Happier Family focus.

Families are made up of family members and these members are each individuals in every sense of the word.  If we were all alike, there probably wouldn’t be any disputes,  rolling of the eyes, disagreements, or expressions that beg an answer to, “What is with this person????”

Things would be peaceful, but they’d get boring fast.

Carly with Bo and Adam

Carly with two of her babies, Bo and Adam

In the second picture, you’ll notice that Carly is pictured (with attitude intact) with two of her three babies, Bo and Adam.  Like Carly, Bo will play a role in this post.

Over the years, I have had far (far, far, far, far) too many cats to even begin to count. However, Carly and Bo stand out from the rest for completely opposite reasons. Their temperaments are also perfect for taking a closer look at our family members and close friends – the individuals who, ultimately, have a large say in how happy we are.

Most humans will fall somewhere in between Carly and Bo – but, make no mistake about it, they’ll probably lean heavily in one direction or the other.

The Carlys of the World

Carly was born into our family over ten years ago. Her mother, Bree, was a very small, dainty, sweet-natured cat. From the start, it was obvious that Carly would not carry on Bree’s sweet tradition. From the time she was able to be handled, right up to the day (years later) when she disappeared, we always kept band-aids and first aid ointment on hand.

Heck, we usually just kept it on the counter – as we knew it’d be needed at some point.

I had it in my mind that the more I handled Carly, the sweeter she’d become and the less apt she’d be to scratch arms, hands, and fingers.

For a span of 6 years, I had ever-present scratches on my arms and hands.

You could be in the middle of pouring food on her plate and  SWASH, you’d feel a scratch on your hand. She would purr the entire time – that’s what always amazed me. My little beauty enjoyed tormenting her humans.

Carly’s attitude was even obvious on her face – even from a kitten.  She didn’t sit and stare at her surroundings like most animals… she sat and glared. The picture above (with two of her kittens) displays this expression perfectly.  Ears pulled back, cheekbones tight, mouth pursed… that was my girl.

Carly would often “bop” other cats on the head for absolutely no reason. I’d watch her as she’d quietly position herself higher than her victim, then gasp as she lowered the boom. The claws were never out when she did her patented head bopping – but the message was always received. The “bopped” was to remove himself/herself from the “bopper’s” presence.  They never failed to do so.

When, a few years back, Grumpy Cat became an internet sensation, I thought, “Big deal. I knew the original.”  In fact, Carly made Grumpy Cat look like pushover. A ridiculously high-on-life pushover.

Some people are kind of like Carly was.  Their “resting” facial expression is a snarl and if they ever have anything pleasant to say about anyone, you all but faint.

Once, an especially bad storm was coming and my daughters and I rounded up Carly and her babies to bring inside until it passed (hoping our inside cat, Prissy, would look the other way for a few hours).  I volunteered to hold Carly and thought I just might require a blood transfusion.

 

They’re what would be referred to as “difficult” people.  Those that aren’t always easy to get along with and aren’t ever easy to understand. They may not (I certainly hope not, anyway) bop other people on the head with their hands – but they will try to “emotionally” bop them with jabs, insults, rudeness, snarliness.  The end game is pretty much the same: I want to be left alone.

The sad thing for human Carlys is this, one day they probably will be left alone. All alone.

Carly wasn’t always a little grouch, mind you. She had moments when she’d purr without scratching. She’d allow me to hold her as we walked around the yard or even sit in my lap occasionally while watching birds.

She filled my days with so much amusement – I gotta admit, I found her cranky disposition funny. Even the head bops.

(Continued beneath the handsome picture…)

Beautiful Bo

 Bo

The Bos of the World

Bo.  The name should be synonymous with sweetness. This cat was one in a billion. Sure, I’ve had ridiculously sweet cats over the years – including the ones who currently grace our family.  But there was just something different about Bo. Something that was decidedly UN-catlike.  For one thing, most cats aren’t that wild about being held. Bo would stand up against your leg, requesting to be picked up and held. If he was put back down before he was ready for it, he’d simply request another trip up.

Our youngest daughter would wrap him up in a blanket (like a baby) and hold him and he would purr with delight. She’d lay down with him bundled up and they’d both sleep for hours.

I’ve never known a cat so intent on cuddling and “lovey dovey” as Bo was.

Where Carly’s attitude was decidedly, “What can you do for me to make me happy??,” Bo’s attitude seemed to be, “What can I do that’ll make you happy… because that’s what makes me happy?!”

Something else that separated him from most cats was his VERY laid-back disposition. Storms freaked Carly out as they do most cats. In fact, every cat I’ve ever had hated storms.

Except Bo. He’d just go right on about his business.  He’d open his eyes when it thundered and even twitch his whiskers when lightning struck – but I always got the impression he was more amused by storms than annoyed by them.

Some humans are like Bo – uncommonly dialed into a Zen channel.  Not only do they not cause drama, they do all they can to avoid it. All they’re after is a world filled with laughter.

And hugs. Lots of hugs.

If you have a room full of Bos, there will be NO drama until… you guessed it… a Carly arrives on the scene.

Here’s the funny thing, though, and something we’d all do well to think about: I loved Carly with all my heart, just as I loved Bo with all my heart. They disappeared (as outside cats in the country often do) years ago – several years apart.

For months, I watched out the window for each them.  At any point then.. or now… I’d have given a million dollars to see either one stroll up the yard.

Either one.  I loved them equally and, if I had one million dollars to spend on the return of one… I’d never be able to pick one.  That seems kind of strange, doesn’t it?  Wouldn’t you think I’d go for the one that came with blankets instead of Band-Aids?!

But there you have it.  They were each members of the family – warts and all.

We all have to remember that about each member of our human family. There may be things about their disposition or temperament that we don’t identify with. They may come across as snarly at times and downright rude other times.

But they’re our “Carlys” and we’d be completely lost without them.

Tips for Dealing with Carlys

  1. Say, “I’m not going to be able to change this person.”  Now say it again. In fact, say it until you accept it! A person’s basic disposition, temperament, and personality are what makes them THEM.  You can’t change who they are… and, can we be honest for a minute? You shouldn’t want to. Accept them as they are and avoid the head bops whenever you can.
  2. Improve your People Reading skills.  When a “Carly” is in a bad mood, it usually shows on their face. Maybe I’m extra perceptive, but I can even tell from the “energy” a person puts off whether they’re in a good way or not. When they’re in a bad way – I simply stay clear until it’s safe. You get fewer bops that way.
  3. Don’t push it. Imagine that Carly had been in a particularly cranky mood one day. Imagine that, just that morning, she’d scratched both of my arms and hissed at every cat in the county. How many shades of stupid would I have to be to walk out, scoop her up, and plant one right between her eyes. It would have meant a trip to the ER. If someone is in a dark mood, don’t try to “pull” or “push” them out – UNLESS their personal temperament responds to this approach Most do not, however, respond at all to the taffy approach. It just makes things worse.

In the end, it comes down to acceptance and amusement. Accept who they are and how they are and, when possible, try to see the amusement in the situation.  Above all, do not… do not take their temperament or disposition personally.  Carly loved me more than anyone, and yet, guess who wore Band-Aids more than she wore socks for years?! I knew it wasn’t ME… it was HER. Taking it personally would have a waste of time and energy.

I’d have been a real sap.

Remind yourself that families are made up of all kinds of people. Love them and enjoy them as they are. Any time spent trying to change them or wishing they were different is simply time wasted.

~ Joi

Bo

Bo

EDIT: It should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway – The Carlys I’m referring to are not physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive. People like that aren’t
Carlys, they’re jackasses. What’s more, they aren’t to be tolerated. Period.

 

 

Filed Under: Happier Families Tagged With: building a happier family, family, happiness

Relationships Without Regrets

January 5, 2009 by Joi 5 Comments

Relationships Quote
I’ve said it a million times before, but it bears repeating, so hold on for 1,000,001. You never, ever, ever know what the next moment is going to bring into your life. In fact, at any given time, your world could be changed forever.

When my husband ran for the Sunday papers yesterday morning, it was as routine as a teenager talking on the phone. What wasn’t routine was the fact that he was in a wreck on the way home.

Thank God, it was a wreck he walked away from. If he hadn’t been wearing a seat belt, I’m certain I wouldn’t be writing these words right now. I’d be with him at the hospital or worse… a “worse” that my mind doesn’t want to visit.

It was just another example of how fast and how dramatically things can change. It’s also another example of why we should always keep our lives and relationships in order. We honestly never know if we’ll have tomorrow (or this afternoon, or this evening..) to tell our loved ones that we love them or to make sure our children know how proud we are of them.

After the customary, routine thoughts that flood one’s mind after a “close call,” I realized how (if the worst had happened) relieved I would have been that my last words had been playful and were along the lines of, “Hurry back, I miss you already you know…”  I would have been relieved that our relationship was on solid, ridiculously happy and downright silly ground.

I’m not saying that we should go around each day as though a tragedy could come swooping down on us at any time. That’s not living – I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it isn’t living.

What I’m saying this: There are exceptions, and I’m fully aware of the fact, but more times than not (when it comes to relationships as well as just about anything), we reap what we sow. If we have any relationships in our life that aren’t as close as we’d like them to be, we are at least partly to blame.

We have to realize that anything can -and often does – happen. We need to always do OUR part to make sure our relationships are all solid and to go out of our way to make all parting words kind… the sort of words that would never haunt you.

Whether you’re a husband, a wife, a parent, a son, or a daughter: Treat your relationships with your loved ones like the treasures they are.

You never, ever, ever know what train’s going to ride into your life. Don’t let regrets be on board.

Filed Under: General, Relationships Tagged With: family, regrets, Relationships

Preserving Family Heirlooms, Family Recipes, and Family Memories

December 26, 2008 by Joi 2 Comments

Penny's Christmas Cookies
I know I touched on this a few articles ago, but I wanted to reach back and touch it again.

I hope everyone is reconnecting with their family members during Christmas and New Year’s. I like to picture families, the world over, sitting around the table laughing and telling stories. I like to picture mothers lovingly encouraging their children (of all ages!) to eat their vegetables, fathers dishing out the advice father’s like to dish out, brothers and sisters reliving the things they put their parents through, and grandparents remembering Christmas magic from the past.

I love to cook – love, love, love it. So on holidays, my family always knows where to find me.. In the kitchen amongst pots, pans, flour, ham, corn, cakes, wooden spoons, etc. It’s always so cute – my cat Alexa is always nearby and there’s always a steady stream of traffic as different family members come through to sample both my conversation and food.

At one point, my oldest daughter Emily came through with her boyfriend (great, great kids). We talked about family recipes and food for about an hour. He’s part Italian, so he was telling me all about his mother’s lasagna. As I was putting together my Corn Pudding, part of me was craving lasagna.

I showed him cookbooks I was compiling for each of my girls – filled with my favorite recipes, tips, advice, warnings, etc. Thanks to all of my own recipes, a huge cookbook collection and my food blog, my girls will never run out of recipes or cooking knowledge.

Unfortunately, there will be a lot of family favorites that I can’t pass along. My mom and sister in law each died completely unexpectedly and my only living grandmother now has dementia. Each of them had favorite recipes I would LOVE to have in my collection, but I never put them there.

We tend to think our loved ones will be around forever, don’t we?

Here’s something I think would be a really great idea: Family’s should compile a Family Heirloom Cookbook and ask different loved ones to contribute each of their favorite recipes. Thanks to the internet, recipes can be e-mailed back and forth and copies can be made, so each family member can have his or her own copy.

You have no idea how happy I’d be to have my mom’s meatloaf (she was queen of meatloaf!), my mother-in-law’s Dump Cake, my father-in-law’s delicious baked fish, my sister-in-law’s spaghetti sauce, and my grandmother’s…well, everything! That woman could have taken on Bobby Flay in her day. She’d have had him on his knees begging for mercy, recipes, and seconds!

I’m going hunting this week for recipes I can still get my oven mitts on. Before she got a Cracker Barrrel within 10 minutes of her home, my aunt cooked a lot. So, I’m going to hit her up for some of her recipes.  She recently made some Christmas Gingerbread Cookies (pictured above) that were so delicious I could have eaten the entire platter, myself.   She’s a great, great cook/baker – she’s simply decided that it’s SO much easier to let Cracker Barrel do all the work – and clean-up!

Smart lady.

I’m also going to contact family members a little further away – in distance and on the family tree. I plan on contacting another sister-in-law and begging, blackmailing or whatever it takes for her chicken and dumplings recipe. The woman weighs, like, 30 pounds soaking wet but cooks like a 240 pound southern lady.

How perfect would such a collection be for Christmas gifts next year? With all of the amazing Scrapbook kits on the market, they could be decorated beautifully and cherished forever.

As far as that goes, another great Christmas gift for 2009 would be a Family Memories Scrapbook – with or without recipes.

When it comes to talking early about Christmas and Christmas gifts, that may have just been a personal best.

Once again, I hope you’re having a beautiful Christmas season. Make every moment count double.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: family, Relationships

Family: Our Greatest Treasure in Life

December 13, 2008 by Joi 5 Comments

Emily Brittany and Stepany
 

Two of my three daughters, their boyfriends, and I got lost in the world of old home videos last night. Aside from the horrors of big 80’s hair (What was I thinking?), it was a fun walk down memory lane. I’ve avoided these home movies for a long time – since my mom passed away in 2006.  I was afraid I’d just cry all the way through them. Oddly enough, seeing her so full of life again made me smile rather than cry.

It was the same with my dad, my mother-in-law and her husband (adorable man!), and my sister-in-law. Most of  the people we’ve lost in our family died suddenly and unexpectedly. Something did hit me during one particular video, though. If (then) someone had pulled me and my big hair to the side and pointed to my parents, my in-laws, and my sister-in-law, and said, “You will have lost them all by the time your youngest daughter, Stephany, is 18,” it would have hit me like a giant oak tree had fallen on my head… which would have hurt a lot less.

Given the fact that none of these loved ones were able to attend her 18th birthday party, I can say, without hesitation, that the impossible becomes possible on a daily basis.

Then I wondered… if this same someone had been able to convince me that they were telling the truth, what would I have done differently? That is, aside from convincing my sister-in-law to take a safer job and hawking my mom’s diabetic diet (the little sneak), the usual things came to mind: I’d call more, I’d drop by for more visits, I’d bake goodies for them more often, etc.

Fortunately (thanks be to God), we were very close with our loved ones. Even when – like all families – our lovable crazies were at their craziest, love never left the room.

Something I’m very thankful for is the fact that when we’d go visit my parents or in-laws – we’d sit, talk with them, watch television, eat, etc. It’s a very, very sad reality that a lot of people – when they visit older relatives – never even sit down or take their coat off!

They do what I call “Drive By” visits. They visit just long enough to be able to say they DID visit.

That’s kind of doing things for the wrong reasons, isn’t it?

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” – Paul Pearshall

During the time of year when we’re all thinking about family more than ever, I think it’s a perfect time to take a quick inventory of the way we treat one another. Our loved ones are our treasure and we should treat them as such. Below are a few ways that we can begin to nurture our relationships. While that may sound like a corny concept, it’s actually a golden key to true happiness.

Ways to Improve Your Family’s Relationships:

  • Let bygones be bygones.  In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter who said what, when they said it, where they were when they said it, etc?  At some point, someone has to be the mature adult and close the door on the past.  It’s the only way to open the one to the future.
  • Never let anyone feel like they’re nothing but a bother to you.  One day, if God allows you to live long enough, you may be the one in their place.  Treat them as you hope your loved ones will one day treat you.
  • Give more than you get. If you’re one of those people who makes everything about you… wake up and realize that it isn’t. It really isn’t all about you.
  • When you do give more than you get – don’t keep score. If you’re tallying up the number of times you mowed your parent’s lawn, you’re not doing it for the right reasons. What’s more, if you’re throwing it in their face… well, let’s just say this, is that the person you REALLY want to be?
  • Remember, your time means more to your loved ones than anything. Setting aside a few hours to take someone out to dinner may not seem like much to you, but it could mean the world to someone else.
  • If you have a relative who lives alone, EXPECT them to be very chatty when you’re talking to them.  NEVER make them feel self conscious about it.  Let them talk, listen to what they say, and if (okay… when) they repeat themselves, act as though it’s the first time you heard it!
  • Give attention to what really matters. If your son or daughter comes into a room and begins to talk to you about something (it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy band, girl band, anatomy class, or their cute new co-worker) – put down what you’re doing… physically and mentally.  They are all that matters, and I cannot say that often enough.
  • If you have ever done anything that you feel guilty about, apologize.  Send flowers or a gift card if you want to – but, mostly, just say, “I’m sorry.  I was a jerk.” No buts. No blame shifting. No excuses. Admit you messed up and vow to never do it again.
  • If it matters to your loved one, it should matter to you.  When my daughters were pre-schoolers, I knew each Sesame Street character on sight and could recite the Dr. Seuss books from memory.  When they were teenagers, I knew each and every Backstreet Boy’s name, as well as each member of ‘N Sync.  I knew where they were from, what colors they liked, etc.   I don’t think I can recite Dr. Seuss anymore but I can still tell Chris from Howie, Justin from Brian, and Kevin from Joey.  Lance and Nick?  Come on…. that’s like so easy.
  • Don’t yell!  Yelling isn’t cool! It just makes you look like a loud 2 year old throwing a tantrum and, unless that’s the look you’re going for, you don’t need that in your life.
  • Don’t nitpick – nitpicking is ugly. When you start picking people apart over little insignificant details, remind yourself of something that’s pretty nuts… you’re just trying to get everyone to look like, dress like, and think like you. If you only want to be surrounded by yourself, maybe you should become a hermit.
  • Tell the people in your life that you love them every single day. When parting, loving words should be the only ones spoken.
  • Show the people in your life that you love them every single day. Some would say “showing” is more important than “saying,” and I can certainly see their case. However, sometimes what people think of as “showing” is really just that… a show. Not always – but sometimes people do seemingly great things just do be SEEN doing seemingly great things.  The true magic happens when showing and saying are combined and when the showing is done with one motivation and one only – because you love them and want to do things for them. Not for “credit,” not to show someone else up, not for anything in return… simply out of love.
  • Make an effort to get along with everyone. If you give anyone in particular (usually in-laws, let’s be honest) a continual cold shoulder or cause tension in the room – you aren’t hurting this person the most. Let me break it to you – they probably don’t like you any more than you like them! So, if you make yourself look like a jackass, that’s bonus points for them. Ammo, as it were. Who DO you actually hurt the most when you act like a snivling brat? Those you love the most. You know, the ones who just want – more than anything – for everyone to get along and be happy. Your shenanigans hurt the people you’d never, ever want to hurt and they hurt them deeply.

While we all want our loved ones around us forever — telling and re-telling stories for years on end! —  we know that is not possible.  I’m not suggesting that you go about your life focusing on LOSING your loved ones, however. Far from it! I’m suggesting you go about your life focusing on LOVING your loved ones.

There will come a day when you are eternally grateful that you showed them how much you loved them when you had the chance.

How many loved ones can you show your love to this week??!
~ Joi

 

Filed Under: Happier Families, Relationships Tagged With: family, happier families, Relationships

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