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Happy Families Don’t Just Happen

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Quote About Home

The One Place…

I spend a lot of time thinking about families – husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles… the whole shebang.  That’s why I made “Building Happier Families” the focus of Self Help Daily for 2015.

My family is my treasure on earth. I’d rather have this colorful cast of characters and nothing else in the world than to have everything but one less of them.

They’re crazy, but by gosh, they’re my crazies!

A family should be a safe haven, shouldn’t it? A happy band of people connected by blood as well as love. People who have one another’s backs and would go to battle for any member of the tribe.

Problem is some families spend so much time battling one another that their home and family seems like anything but a safe haven.

When I hear about broken relationships within families, my heart breaks because I know somewhere, in the middle of it all, there’s someone who cherishes their family the way I do mine – and I know that what they want more than anything else is peace and happiness.

Doesn’t seem like that much to ask for, does it?

Fortunately strained and even broken relationships can be mended. Love is a powerful force and if it’s a factor in the equation, few things are impossible.

However, the best way to REPAIR broken relationships is to PREVENT them from ever happening in the first place. Within every shattered family is at least one person who wishes with all their might that they could go back and UNdo or UNsay something.

If you’ve ever been in that agonizing position, you know that it’s very much like hell on earth.

Once you’ve wronged someone – either through action, neglect, or harmful words – you simply can’t undo it.  You can’t erase your wrong and (even worse) you can’t erase their pain.   All you can hope for is forgiveness and that, in time, the pain you see in their eyes will fade and happiness will take its place.

[shareable]Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts. – Unknown[/shareable]

If we could all learn to control our tongues and actions, we could avoid seeing this pain in our loved ones eyes in the first place.  The problem is, the “average” person is completely and utterly ME-oriented. They live under the firm belief that the world revolves around them.

  • I want our Christmas meal at 4:00 and WILL NOT budge for anyone else.
  • I hate my daughter’s music choices, so I will berate her every chance I get.
  • My mother in law gets on my nerves and I intend to let everyone in the family know about it.
  • My son needs a haircut and I will humiliate him in front of the entire family to make my point known.
  • My wife spent too much at the store and I’m going to yell until my face turns red.
  • My husband watches too much sports on tv, but if I continually nag him, he’ll eventually watch what I want to watch.

Too many people with too many thoughts revolving around their favorite person in the world… them.  You know what these people remind me of? Pre-Schoolers.

  • I don’t want to take a nap, so I’m going to scream and cry.
  • I want to stay at the park, so I’m going to throw myself on the ground and scream my favorite word – NOOOO!
  • That’s MY toy and she can’t have it.
  • I do not want to be in this store anymore, so I’m going to cry my eyes out.
  • I don’t want this green food! I’m going to throw it on the floor!

Like children, adults make everyone around them miserable for selfish reasons.

[shareable]When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. – Joyce Brothers[/shareable]

I saw a mother in Kroger recently with an adorable but obviously irritable little boy (probably around 2 years old).  The woman looked like she was walking on eggshells as she tried to hurry through the process before the little guy blew his stack.

She didn’t make it. Right as she wheeled into the checkout lane, the complete and utter mini-meltdown began. It was something to behold, too.

While he was, in spite of himself, downright cute with his red face and clinched little fists, the same CANNOT be said for adults who cause others to walk on eggshells as they hope to avoid one of their fits.

Nothing cute or adorable about them.

If you’re one of those people who, God love you, tends to think of self THEN others, I’m not asking you to change your focus. In fact, if you’re past the age of 45, it wouldn’t do any good anyway.  After all, you’ve been in the center stage of your own thoughts for a long time, I won’t try to budge you.

As they say, you do you!

What I am saying is this… Within each family there are people who are, basically, the HEART of the family. They’re the moms, dads, grandmothers, grandfathers, daughters, sons, brothers and/or sisters who just want everyone to get along, be kind, and fill the house with laughter.

These are the people who not only “don’t rock the boat,” they spend 90 percent of their time keeping things afloat.

I want you to think about them for a minute. Think of people in your family who you love completely – the ones who you would be utterly lost without.

How do you make them feel when you behave like a 2 year old in a grocery store? What happens to the smile on their faces or the joy in their eyes when you cause them to walk on eggshells?

Do you really want that?  Shouldn’t we all want to see those we love so happy that they burst out in laughter?!

I hope that if you ARE someone who tends to gravitate toward this kind of behavior you’ll recognize yourself. I  hope that next time you’ll see yourself as a little red-faced toddler and that you’ll completely change your thoughts and actions.

It’d be highly unlikely that a little child would look at his mom and think, “I love that mommy person. She is having fun in this boring, bright store. I’m tired and I miss my toys but my mommy person is happy. I can make her even more happy if I smile at her…”

Nope. That’s not going to happen. But it can.. and it should… happen with adults.  The next time you want to nag, yell, pick, complain, “make your point,” or anything else that takes place in the center stage, please take time to think about the people you love.

[shareable]Having a place to go is a home. Having someone to love is a family. Having both is a blessing. – Donna Hedges[/shareable]

Make no mistake about it, there IS someone in your life who wants one thing more than anything else in the world – peace and happiness.  Do your part and give it to them.

Imagine the look on their face when, as they’re waiting for you to justify the eggshells on the floor, you simply brush them away.

That is when magic happens.

People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Review)

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Continuing the Focus of 2015: Building a Happier Family!

A while back,  I downloaded an interesting sounding e-book, People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (Kindle edition link) by Mike Bechtle.  I fell in love with the cover image Come on, who wouldn’t be? It’s a duck. In a snazzy jacket with a whackadoodle hat.

And can we talk about the fact that he has green hair?

The title is, to be honest, what initially caught my eye. Even before the duck. The title reminds me of a something I always said to my three daughters while they were growing up. I don’t know about where you live, but in Kentucky we have a popular saying, “He’s getting my goat…” or “That really gets my goat..”

With three little girls, I often heard, “She just gets my goat…” In one of our infamous, “table talks,” I told my girls, “People can only get your goat if you put it out in the open. If they know where your goat is, it’s easy pickings.”

The title of this book just kind of reminded me of homespun wisdom and it had me at “crazy.”

When doing book reviews, as I often point out, I want to give a great “feel” for the book without giving the entire premise away. If I were to lay out all the brilliance of a particular book right here, why would you need to read it for yourself?

Since I VERY much want everyone to read People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (paperback link) as soon as they humanly can, I’m going to tread lightly.  I hope you’ll stick with this book review, even if it gets lengthy – this book is extra special.

As we continue the focus of 2015 on Self Help Daily, Building a Happier Family, I have to strongly suggest everyone read this book. If you are a really, really busy individual, and simply don’t have time to devote 30 minutes to an hour reading each day, I have a few solutions…

A reaction is how we feel; a response is what we do. Reactions are automatic, but we choose our responses. – Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

Like most books, this particular WINNER is available in a variety of formats, so there’s simply no reason NOT to make this the next book you read… even if you read it with your ears.

The beauty of People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys (as it relates to building a happier family) is that it gives you the motivation, information, and inspiration you need to do your part to make your family the happiest family in town.  This book is, also, ideal reading for anyone who’s looking to improve their relationships at work or school (or anywhere for that matter) – but since our focus is on families… we’ll just stay seated around the dining room table rather than a board room table.

The food’s better anyway.

As I said, I read People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys on my iPad – so I couldn’t highlight or underline extra-insightful and/or humorous quotes and paragraphs. I could, however, write them down – and I did just that. You never saw so many notes and notations!

…. Your emotions got the best of you, and your crazy person has you dangling in her grip like a bungee jump gone bad….  Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

True story: One night a History Channel show that my husband and I wouldn’t miss for a million dollars had just gone off.  I knew I had about 15 minutes to read a little something before bedtime, so I grabbed my iPad to read from one of my e-books. I flew past PCDYCIFDGTTK (looks like a cat just walked across the keyboard, doesn’t it?) and chose an Agatha Christie mystery I was in the middle of. Why? I didn’t have my pen and notebook with me and I knew that even just 15 minutes with PCDYCIFDGTTK would have produced more than a few note-worthy points.

It’s that good.

For one thing, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys is a very enjoyable and entertaining read. The author is absolutely hilarious. I’ve read that he’s a popular speaker and I can absolutely see why. GREAT sense of humor.  The sense of humor and warm stories about his own family and friends (including precious granddaughters) make for a very, very special book.

A certain passage about the author’s oldest granddaughter reminded me so much of my oldest daughter (Emily) that it’s beyond uncanny.  I was delighted –  the world can never have too many colorful, detail-oriented, little girls who march to the beat of their own drum. They grow up to be colorful, detail-oriented young women who just keep on marching.

People Can’t.. is also a really “fast reading” book.  When you aren’t taking notes, that is.

A lot of self help or self improvement books are good, while you’re reading them, but fail to “stick.”  This is not one of those books. It’s fantastic while you’re in the middle of it, and it sticks like super glue.

History brings us to where we are right now, but it doesn’t have to dictate how we respond in the future. – Mike Bechtle, People Can’t Drive You Crazy if You Don’t Give Them the Keys

I will, in the foreseeable future often quote or refer back to this wonderful book. However, I have to give you one of the most profound messages or points from the author and his wonderful book.

Ever read a quote or a passage that is so profound and packs such a wallop that you go back and re-read it… allowing it to wallop you from the other side? Early in the book, Mike Bechtle hits the nail on the head when he says, “Never allow yourself to become a victim of anyone else’s shortcomings or weaknesses.”

I read a lot.  A LOT. But it has been ages since a single cluster of words had such an impact on me. When we allow others to impact our peacefulness or happiness, we become their victim. This could be anyone..

  • rude servers
  • inefficient store clerks
  • family members
  • co-workers
  • friends
  • toxic people online…. I’m looking at you social media…

…. anyone, anywhere, anytime. If we allow them to remove us from where we want to be —- content, peaceful, happy —- and place us anywhere else, we are at their mercy. Worse, we are their victim.

I guess I’d just never thought of it that way before. Since reading (and re-reading) the words, however, I’ve thought about it plenty!  There are a lot of jackals in this world, after all.  Not one has victimized me since.

Not even vile online toxicity rattles my cage anymore.  If I see someone being a complete jackal, I just thank God that it isn’t my jackal and go about my business.

Book Synopsis: Strange as it may seem, other people are not nearly as committed to our happiness as we are. In fact, sometimes they seem like they’re on a mission to make us miserable! There’s always that one person. The one who hijacks your emotions and makes you crazy. The one who seems to thrive on drama. If you could just FIX that person, everything would be better. But we can’t fix other people – we can only make choices about ourselves. In this cut-to-the-chase book, communication expert Mike Bechtle shows readers that they don’t have to be victims of other people’s craziness.

With commonsense wisdom and practical advice that can be implemented immediately, Bechtle gives readers a proven strategy to handle crazy people.

More than just offering a set of techniques, Bechtle offers a new perspective that will change readers’ lives as they deal with those difficult people who just won’t go away.

How Can People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys help You?

Let’s get right down to it, want to? Why should you get your hands, eyes, and possibly ears on this book as soon as possible?

Because you deserve to be happy. Simple as that.

Yes, reading this book can help you keep peace within your family. Yes, the author’s wonderful advice can help you get along with even the craziest of the crazies, at work or home.  Yes, if you read this book and allow it to sink in, you can have the kind of peaceful, happy family holidays you see in tv commercials.

But, just for a minute, don’t think about any of that. Just for a minute, put everyone and everything else out of your mind and only think about yourself. It isn’t easy to live in a world of crazies – they’re everywhere, after all.  They can, and will, leave their footprints on your psyche. You’ll find yourself coming unglued, sighing deeply, whining, crying, and arguing with people over the silliest things. If it continues, you may even find yourself unable to sleep or unwind as well as you once did and your health can (and will) pay for the turmoil.

A lack of harmony in your life and an inability to “deal” with the handiwork of a crazy person can affect every corner of your life.

This book will help you clean out those corners. You’ll be happier and, as a result, everyone around you will be happier.

Think about it – if you feel tension in your family or at work, everyone feels it.  A tense individual in a room is like a caged tiger. Everyone focuses on the show, holding their breath waiting for the roar.

If you aren’t handling your crazy person (or crazy people, if you’re an over-achiever) well, you’re making everyone around you tense, unhappy, and downright miserable. Whether you encounter your crazies at work or home, you will be happier when you know how to cope with them.

You know I always level with my readers – and I’m telling you right now, this is a book you have to read.  This one’s a life-changer. ~ Joi

 “Never allow yourself to become a victim of anyone else’s shortcomings or weaknesses.” – Mike Bechtle

Family: Our Greatest Treasure in Life

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Emily Brittany and Stepany
 

Two of my three daughters, their boyfriends, and I got lost in the world of old home videos last night. Aside from the horrors of big 80’s hair (What was I thinking?), it was a fun walk down memory lane. I’ve avoided these home movies for a long time – since my mom passed away in 2006.  I was afraid I’d just cry all the way through them. Oddly enough, seeing her so full of life again made me smile rather than cry.

It was the same with my dad, my mother-in-law and her husband (adorable man!), and my sister-in-law. Most of  the people we’ve lost in our family died suddenly and unexpectedly. Something did hit me during one particular video, though. If (then) someone had pulled me and my big hair to the side and pointed to my parents, my in-laws, and my sister-in-law, and said, “You will have lost them all by the time your youngest daughter, Stephany, is 18,” it would have hit me like a giant oak tree had fallen on my head… which would have hurt a lot less.

Given the fact that none of these loved ones were able to attend her 18th birthday party, I can say, without hesitation, that the impossible becomes possible on a daily basis.

Then I wondered… if this same someone had been able to convince me that they were telling the truth, what would I have done differently? That is, aside from convincing my sister-in-law to take a safer job and hawking my mom’s diabetic diet (the little sneak), the usual things came to mind: I’d call more, I’d drop by for more visits, I’d bake goodies for them more often, etc.

Fortunately (thanks be to God), we were very close with our loved ones. Even when – like all families – our lovable crazies were at their craziest, love never left the room.

Something I’m very thankful for is the fact that when we’d go visit my parents or in-laws – we’d sit, talk with them, watch television, eat, etc. It’s a very, very sad reality that a lot of people – when they visit older relatives – never even sit down or take their coat off!

They do what I call “Drive By” visits. They visit just long enough to be able to say they DID visit.

That’s kind of doing things for the wrong reasons, isn’t it?

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.” – Paul Pearshall

During the time of year when we’re all thinking about family more than ever, I think it’s a perfect time to take a quick inventory of the way we treat one another. Our loved ones are our treasure and we should treat them as such. Below are a few ways that we can begin to nurture our relationships. While that may sound like a corny concept, it’s actually a golden key to true happiness.

Ways to Improve Your Family’s Relationships:

  • Let bygones be bygones.  In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter who said what, when they said it, where they were when they said it, etc?  At some point, someone has to be the mature adult and close the door on the past.  It’s the only way to open the one to the future.
  • Never let anyone feel like they’re nothing but a bother to you.  One day, if God allows you to live long enough, you may be the one in their place.  Treat them as you hope your loved ones will one day treat you.
  • Give more than you get. If you’re one of those people who makes everything about you… wake up and realize that it isn’t. It really isn’t all about you.
  • When you do give more than you get – don’t keep score. If you’re tallying up the number of times you mowed your parent’s lawn, you’re not doing it for the right reasons. What’s more, if you’re throwing it in their face… well, let’s just say this, is that the person you REALLY want to be?
  • Remember, your time means more to your loved ones than anything. Setting aside a few hours to take someone out to dinner may not seem like much to you, but it could mean the world to someone else.
  • If you have a relative who lives alone, EXPECT them to be very chatty when you’re talking to them.  NEVER make them feel self conscious about it.  Let them talk, listen to what they say, and if (okay… when) they repeat themselves, act as though it’s the first time you heard it!
  • Give attention to what really matters. If your son or daughter comes into a room and begins to talk to you about something (it doesn’t matter if it’s a boy band, girl band, anatomy class, or their cute new co-worker) – put down what you’re doing… physically and mentally.  They are all that matters, and I cannot say that often enough.
  • If you have ever done anything that you feel guilty about, apologize.  Send flowers or a gift card if you want to – but, mostly, just say, “I’m sorry.  I was a jerk.” No buts. No blame shifting. No excuses. Admit you messed up and vow to never do it again.
  • If it matters to your loved one, it should matter to you.  When my daughters were pre-schoolers, I knew each Sesame Street character on sight and could recite the Dr. Seuss books from memory.  When they were teenagers, I knew each and every Backstreet Boy’s name, as well as each member of ‘N Sync.  I knew where they were from, what colors they liked, etc.   I don’t think I can recite Dr. Seuss anymore but I can still tell Chris from Howie, Justin from Brian, and Kevin from Joey.  Lance and Nick?  Come on…. that’s like so easy.
  • Don’t yell!  Yelling isn’t cool! It just makes you look like a loud 2 year old throwing a tantrum and, unless that’s the look you’re going for, you don’t need that in your life.
  • Don’t nitpick – nitpicking is ugly. When you start picking people apart over little insignificant details, remind yourself of something that’s pretty nuts… you’re just trying to get everyone to look like, dress like, and think like you. If you only want to be surrounded by yourself, maybe you should become a hermit.
  • Tell the people in your life that you love them every single day. When parting, loving words should be the only ones spoken.
  • Show the people in your life that you love them every single day. Some would say “showing” is more important than “saying,” and I can certainly see their case. However, sometimes what people think of as “showing” is really just that… a show. Not always – but sometimes people do seemingly great things just do be SEEN doing seemingly great things.  The true magic happens when showing and saying are combined and when the showing is done with one motivation and one only – because you love them and want to do things for them. Not for “credit,” not to show someone else up, not for anything in return… simply out of love.
  • Make an effort to get along with everyone. If you give anyone in particular (usually in-laws, let’s be honest) a continual cold shoulder or cause tension in the room – you aren’t hurting this person the most. Let me break it to you – they probably don’t like you any more than you like them! So, if you make yourself look like a jackass, that’s bonus points for them. Ammo, as it were. Who DO you actually hurt the most when you act like a snivling brat? Those you love the most. You know, the ones who just want – more than anything – for everyone to get along and be happy. Your shenanigans hurt the people you’d never, ever want to hurt and they hurt them deeply.

While we all want our loved ones around us forever — telling and re-telling stories for years on end! —  we know that is not possible.  I’m not suggesting that you go about your life focusing on LOSING your loved ones, however. Far from it! I’m suggesting you go about your life focusing on LOVING your loved ones.

There will come a day when you are eternally grateful that you showed them how much you loved them when you had the chance.

How many loved ones can you show your love to this week??!
~ Joi