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The Lost Art of Listening BEFORE….

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To answer before listening..
To answer before listening, that is folly and shame. —Proverbs 18:13

…… while the above verse is spot on true, humans are becoming more and more inclined to folly. And shame.

No one wants to actually listen to reason, read up on facts, or take the time to ABSORB information anymore. People want the bare facts and they want them now – the condensed version – as in, the least they can possibly get away with.

Soak up information like a sponge? Most people would shout, “That takes too long!”

When it comes to attempting to see other people’s views or respect where they’re coming from, the deal is off just as quickly. All the average person wants to do is spout off their own opinions and spray everyone within reach with THEIR thoughts.

When did we become this way? At what point did we throw aside the notion of respecting another person’s opinions and beliefs?

It may sound whackadoodle (sorry for this ridiculous word, it’s a personal favorite) but I kind of blame social media a little bit. People want to have their say and even go so far as to ask people to like their opinion.

Literally.

It’s a problem that is the worst kind of problem…. a growing problem. One that shows absolutely NO sign of ceasing.  So, no, this post isn’t trying to turn the tide – simply because some tides simply will not turn.  This post is just to remind me and to remind you to keep from going the way of the average Joe and Jane.  Always listen to what others are saying. Respect their opinions, even if they’re different from your own.

Short story: When I was in middle school, I befriended a girl who dressed very differently from the rest of us.  Her name was very different from the rest of us. Because I was a Southern fried country bumpkin, I never managed to pronounce it correctly. She laughed one time and told me to just call her by her initials.

That was great by me – those I could manage.

We were a few weeks into the school year before I actually made the move to be her friend. My friends and I didn’t have anything against her clothes or her name. We thought she was kind of “stuck up” (a term, at that time, that meant snooty).  One day, it hit me – what if she was shy, not stuck up? While no one else was around (after all, I didn’t want them seeing me get snubbed if that’s how it turned out), I walked up to her and introduced myself. PE was about to start and I asked if she’d like to be on my volleyball team.

To my relief, she said she’d love to and she asked if I’d teach her the rules. Her smile was adorable and her friendliness blew me away. After I got to know her, I realized that she wasn’t shy so much as she was scared. She was sort of on guard against the comments or jokes she feared would come her way. Jokes because her clothes were different, jokes about her name (she lived in agony each year when teachers attempted her name), jokes because she was… well… different.

The wonderful thing isn’t that I reached out to her. The wonderful thing is that after I did, other girls did as well.

You just never know who will follow in your footsteps when you point them in the right direction.

I guess that’s the heart of this post. Always keep an eye on your own footsteps and a finger on the pulse of your own character. Don’t ever fall in the footprints of others – especially if they aren’t leading anywhere worth going!

Take the time to listen to others, understand where they’re coming from, and respect them for having their own beliefs and opinions. It doesn’t mean you’re approving anything – it simply means you have enough respect for yourself to stay human.

Hope you’re enjoying the beautiful days of Autumn!

~ Joi (“Joy”)

If You’re Looking for Normal, You’d Better Lace Up Your Dancing Shoes

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Fist of all…. hello! I’ve been away from Self Help Daily so long I feel like I almost need to introduce myself. Don’t worry, I haven’t been mad at you… you didn’t say or do anything wrong.

In fact, it’s not you. It’s me.

Well,  more to the point – it’s summer. This happens every summer, like clockwork. I get ridiculously busy in the garden, we have 110 places to go, and my Kentucky blog keeps me hopping with SO many events and activities going on.  Granted this year has been worse than ever because not only has all of that been going on, I’ve had more work to do.  Even those of us who have the luxury of working from home can run out of hours at the end of the day.

Not complaining mind you. I am not – and will never be – one of those people who complains about having to do anything whether it’s working in the garden or working at my computer. I thank God every day I’m able to do both.

The next time you feel like complaining about being busy, visit a Nursing Home.

Anyway, I’ve gained on all the craziness and am now ready to get back down to business.  For better or worse, you’re stuck with me.

You know what’s on my mind today? Normal.  I started thinking about this popular, yet elusive, subject about a week ago. An online buddy e-mailed me about some stressful things going on in her life.  Apparently she’s had a great deal of stress and anxiety at work and at home (never any good when life double teams you). Within one paragraph, she mentioned life getting back to normal three times.

Then in the next paragraph she mentioned not knowing what normal felt like two times.

I couldn’t help thinking, by this time, that she was expecting a suitor to show up at her door that just wasn’t going to show.

We’re all like her in a lot of ways, aren’t we? Seriously, how many times have we all wished for things to get back to normal or for our situation to be more normal?  Heck, don’t we even sometimes wish for people in our lives to be more normal?!

The problem is, in our minds, we paint a much grander picture of NORMAL than it actually is. We envision pretty much a modern day Garden of Eden. Everything’s peaceful, beautiful, and totally free of anything remotely stressful. We envision having more money than we can spend, more hours in the day than we can use, and… come to think of it – even though we’re eating more food than usual, we’re losing weight!

That’s not NORMAL, though. That’s a fantasy.

In reality, normal is different things to different people.  When I think of “normal,” I think of everyone in my family feeling good and being happy. No bickering, complaints, or clashing of wills. Everyone has everything they want and more than they need. Health, happiness, and harmony – it’s all I really ask for.  Well, that and a full coffee pot.  My normal may not seem all that ritzy to the next person, but to me it’s Heaven on earth.

Just because there are extra cares, concerns, stresses, or anxieties in your life doesn’t mean it’s suddenly ABNORMAL. It’s just a little to the right or a little to the left of NORMAL.  Your peace of mind will be a lot sounder if you can truly grasp the concept that a great number of your days are going to be spent to the right or to the left of normal. If I were to be completely honest, but we haven’t just had “one of those days” in our family or even “one of those weeks.”  We’ve had “one of those years” – and it’s just July. One broken refrigerator, 1 broken washing machine (3 times), 2 broken lawn mowers, one nasty case of poison ivy, one gall bladder surgery, one dental extraction, 2 broken cars…. the list goes on, but I’m getting a migraine!

We’ve been to the left and to the right of NORMAL so often this year it’s almost like we’re line dancing through life. To the left… to the right.. to the left… to the right…  That’s okay with me, I’ve gotten good at this dance by now.

Waiting for the Inevitable Return to Normal

Some people ride the tide and wait to be carried back to “norm,” while others fight, kick, spit, and try to swim upstream like they’re salmon.

I’ve found that when you’re doing the left/right dance, it’s best to stay busy.  Be proactive.

When we say we want life to be normal, we’re actually saying that we want __________ to be gone or ____________ to be better. We want solutions to problems – and, a lot of times, we want the problems to fix their darn selves. WORK for it? FIGHT for it? CHANGE? You’re kidding, right?!

Your Action Plan when NORMAL is Eluding You:

  • Don’t panic. Keep breathing – in fact breath deeper than normal. It helps keep you calm. Seriously. When in stressful situations, our body kind of has a mini-panic attack. The pulse races, muscles get tense – it’s as though our entire body is ready to take off at any given moment. The fight or flight reaction kicks in and our body is convinced it has to gear up for whichever way we decide to go.  When we calm down and take deep breaths, our mind tells our body, “(S)he’s got this. Cool your heels.”  Your pulse will slow down and the entire body will relax. You’ll feel 110 percent better instantly.
  • If there’s something you can do to actually help bridge the gap back to normal, do it.  Sometimes it’s as simple as making an appointment with a doctor, mechanic, dentist, or (ahem, ahem) washing machine repairman (as in one that knows what he’s doing!). The amazing thing is as soon as we do all that we can possibly do, not only do things start “getting better,” they start “looking better” almost immediately.
  • Keep living. Keep loving. Keep laughing.  If we were to only enjoy life on the days when everything’s going right, we’d be miserable grumps most of the time.

The third point brings me to one last analogy.  I read a wonderful story recently of a farmer who lost his arm in an accident on his farm. The picture accompanying the story showed this farmer showing of his prosthetic arm – smiling ear to ear and looking like the happiest man in the world.  If one were to look at the picture, without reading the story, they’d feel sorry for the man. They might even wonder why he’s smiling so broadly.

Easy! He’s smiling because he’s glad to be alive. He actually came thisclose to dying that day. Closer than thisclose but I have no idea how to illustrate that. At the end of the story, I realized that the start of every single day must seem like an unopened gift to this man.  As I got up from the article and began to cook supper, it hit me – the start of every single day IS an unopened gift.  Not just to him, but to all of us.

Whether that day is filled with exactly what we wanted or filled with things we never asked for, it’s still a gift.  It’s hard to be unhappy when you find yourself smack in the middle of a beautiful gift that’s denied to many.

The farmer said something that really stood out to me. He said, “I do everything I used to do. I just do it differently now.”  Just is the word that seals it for me. It’s so matter-of-fact and so beautifully simplistic.  Almost in a by the way tone, he says he just does things differently now.

This man didn’t just dance his way back to NORMAL, he redesigned the entire dance floor.  He was an inspiration to me and I hope that the thought of him will serve as an inspiration to you.

Keep smiling and, by all means, keep dancing. It’s the only way you’re going to get anywhere…especially if NORMAL is your destination.

~ Joi

10 Quotes That Inspire Me on a Daily Basis

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Gambaru
I got an e-mail recently from a woman who had nothing but wonderful things to say about me and Self Help Daily. I loved her from the start.  Such excellent taste. 😉

Kidding aside, my new friend told me that when she needed a little inspiration, she came to my website. She said she always found something to lift her spirits and make her smile.  That, my friends, was the most humbling compliment I’ve gotten in a while. I’m not lying, tears welled up and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to cry, laugh, smile, write more or never write again.

You know… one of those, “What do I do next” moments that make us just freeze in place for a few minutes until we remember how to breathe again.  In a few short sentences she summed up so much of what I want Self Help Daily to be – a place to find….

  • Information
  • Hope
  • Yourself

For whatever reason, I have an abundant supply of hope. Over the years, I’ve found that I may, at times, run out of willpower, patience, answers, or physical strength, but I have a never-ending supply of hope.  In fact, there have been times in my life when I’ve had to have enough hope for myself and a few other people. Maybe that’s why God loaded me up with such an amazing supply! That, combined with the fact that I’ve got a little a lot of Mary Poppins in me, simply means I’m always filled with hope – hope for tomorrow, hope for the best, and hope for happy endings.

10 Quotes that Always Inspire Me

I’ve confessed my obsession with inspirational quotes on Self Help Daily before. As I’ve said, I have (literally) notebooks filled with quotes.  Some of my favorite quotes are written on index cards, hanging on a cork board above my desk in my home office. The first three quotes listed below are, indeed, three of my perennial “hangers.”  I have these 3 quotes, as well as the other 7 commited to memory and take them everywhere I go.  I draw inspiration, motivation, and sometimes just a smile from them.

A couple of these quotes have actually starred in their own post here on the self help blog – star treatment for star quotes. I’ve linked the quotes to their bio accordingly! The links will open in a new window.

  1. “Ye Have compassed this mountain long enough, turn you northward.” – Deuteronomy 2: 3 (KJV) or “You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north.” (NASB) [See A Quote of Biblical Proportions]
  2. “Nothing will work unless you do.” – Maya Angelou [See Maya Angelou Gets Right to the Point]
  3. Gambaru: Japanese for “Never ever give up, even – and especially when – there’s no chance of winning ” [Ann Curry, a Love Story, and Gambaru]
  4. “At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable.” –  Christopher Reeve
  5. “Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.” – Doug Ivester
  6. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein
  7. “Everything around us is made up of energy. To attract positive things in your life, start by giving off positive energy.” – Celestine Chua
  8. “Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day.” – Max Lucado
  9. “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. [More Martin Luther King, Jr. Quotes]
  10. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Gandhi

~ Joi

A Quote of Biblical Proportions

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Pine Mountain, Kentucky

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough; turn you northward. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (KJV)

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (NASB)

The above verse (the bottom one) accompanied an edition of an  inspirational newsletter I subscribe to.  The newsletter was about an actual mountain and an actual situation of losing track of where the path was. Sounds like something I’d do, if we were to be honest. My sense of direction is akin to bat’s sense of sight.

The quote really resonated with me.  I grabbed my Bible, just out of curiosity to see how it was worded in the King James Version. It resonated just as strongly and, at least in my opinion, sounded even more lyrical.  Both versions of the verse are now written on a large index card and hang over my computer desk along with a few other quotes that I find to be exceptionally inspiring and motivational.  Another card nearby says, “Nothing will work unless you do. – Maya Angelou”

I can’t tell you how many times Dame Angelou has kicked my butt with those words.  I’ve been know to literally say, “Yes, Ma’am,” as I get back to work.

The beautiful mountain verse is also incredibly inspirational.  The words serve as powerful  reminders to know:

  • When it’s time to give up.
  • When it’s time to try a new approach.

When it’s Time to Give Up

I know it may be strange to see me, the queen of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” mention the words giving up in a positive light, but let’s face it. Sometimes it’s time to give up! For example, some people hang on so tightly to the PAST or to their Pre-conceived vision of the FUTURE that they waste today. There are few things in the world any sadder than wasted time or un-cherished moments.  I hear from people almost daily who are sad becuase…

  • Their marriage has ended.
  • Their “nest” is empty.
  • They lost their job.
  • They can’t have children.
  • The face they see in the mirror isn’t the one they saw 1o years ago (isn’t that a pip?)

The list goes on, because unfortunately none of us make it out of this world unscathed or unburdened.  The first thing I always tell people is that they have every right in the world to feel sad, disappointed, angry.. or any other emotions they feel.  We can’t help how we feel, after all. BUT, we can help how tightly we hang on to these feelings.

The spouse who’s marriage has ended who keeps looking at old photographs and listening to old songs, for example.  They hang on to the past so tightly, they’re squeezing the life out of the present – and nothing leads to a dead future faster than that.

How about the empty-nester who keeps wanting her children to be little again?

A. That’s not going to happen.

B. Why in the world would you want it to? They can change themselves now!

On a smaller scale, think about the baby boomers who are still trying to look just like they did when they were in their twenties?!  I’m the first one to say that a woman or man should wear whatever they darn well want to wear. All I hope for is that they aren’t tacky – and if they are, that they’ll stay out of my line of vision.  However, there’s a lot (a whole lot, actually) to be said for dressing in a manner that’s becoming to you.  If someone sends you a memo saying that the 70’s wants  its clothes back or the 80’s wants its mullet back… you might not be as becoming as you are just becoming a joke.

Relationships can also make people dig their feet in deeper when they should simply move on. Bad, dysfunctional relationships rob your life of positive energy, fun, and its very breath.  Some people waste years trying to make a lousy relationship un-lousy when lousy is all the relationship can be.

You have to know when it’s time to turn north. Going in circles doesn’t get you anywhere.  It just keeps bringing you right back to the starting point – the very definition of insanity and the picture of  wasting the life you’ve been given.

When it’s Time for a New Approach

Oh, geez. Time to tell on myself. I hate when that happens – but I get into so darn much stuff and make so many mistakes that I beg to be used as an example! Due to a thyroid that no longer exists (literally), I have to watch my weight like an obsessive hawk. Problem is, I’m not an obsessive hawk.  I’m more of a laid-back dove – and one that’s very, very fond of eating.

Imagine the trouble that gets me into.

The problem was under control for the most part until the past few years. Until recently, pounds would creep up and I’d simply walk further and more often until I was back in fighting form.  However, for some reason (it couldn’t be age, could it? Surely not.), the routine just isn’t working as beautifully as it once did.

This dilemma was in the forefront of my mind, actually, on the morning when I read the verse.  It jumped off of the computer screen, got in my face, and demanded, “So. Just how long are you going to keep doing the same thing, while expecting different results? How long are you going to keep dialing the same number and expecting a different answer each time? How long are you going to keep circling the same mountain?”

After writing the verse down on an index card, I immediately began to go over every single thing I ate and drink.  I researched the number of calories I was actually burning during my 30 minute walk each day. Turns out, not nearly as many as my feet thought we were. They had me convinced we were “torching calories” when, in fact, we were just kind of slapping them on the wrist – and not very hard at that!

I’d been, literally, leisurely walking around a mountain – again and again.  It occurred to me that it was more than past time to turn northward.  Then, and only then, would things begin to look up.

Spend a little time with this verse and see if there’s an area of your life it wants to discuss. If it does, you’d be wise to listen.

~ Joi

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough; turn you northward. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (KJV)

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (NASB)

>>>> The picture at the top was taken on a recent trip to gorgeous (gorgeous!) Pine Mountain State Resort Park in Kentucky.

Millions Searching: How to Be Happy

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Quote About Happiness
Do you know what over 45,000,000 people search for on GOOGLE monthly? Four words: How to be happy.  45,000,000 people. And that’s just on the main search engine.  As amazing as the number is, something struck me (after I picked my jaw off the ground): This number could potentially be tripled if you take into consideration that happiness seekers might word the phrase differently.  Some may search for ways to be happy or how to be happier.  Others may take a different approach and look for ways to snap out of a bad mood or how to overcome the blues.

Even more people aren’t even online TO search out Google’s assistance.

As part of my web publishing business, I spend at least one day each month researching what people are researching.  It feels as though I’m looking over the shoulders of scads of people as they sit down at their computer and search for answers, solutions, tips, and…. ultimately, happiness.  In addition to contact forms, e-mail, and comments, this gives me a better idea of what people are actually looking for and what they’re actually interested in reading about.

Good stuff for a writer to know, right?

Given its importance, I’m infusing a lot more articles about happiness into Self Help Daily.  I’ve created a whole new blog category called How to Be Happy.  A goal is to have over 100 articles, posts, inspirational stories, and happiness quotes under this category within a  year.

Why are so many people searching for the secret to happiness?

I can sum up the answer to that question with four phrases:

[tabbed tabs=”Life’s Tough | The Economy | Baby Boomers | Google “] [tab] Sickness, death, empty nests, loneliness, and financial problems are cruel facts of life and each are more than capable of robbing even the happiest person of a little sunshine. [/tab] [tab] Just about all of us are having to pinch pennies, sometimes so hard that our fingertips turn copper. Many are having to adjust their lifestyles and, sadly, many are losing their jobs, homes, and other things they’ve worked for. [/tab] [tab] Baby Boomers, and the generation we’ve created, are problem solvers extraordinaire!  That’s why so many mind-boggling inventions are taking place and why so many diseases are on the run. We see a problem and instantly KNOW there’s a solution to it.  When you want an answer, it’s just a matter of knowing the question to ask. [/tab] [tab] Google has made it easier than anyone to ask that question and get that answer! [/tab] [/tabbed]

Starting with number 4 (because I’m in a backwards mood today), Google – and the internet, in general – has made it so blissfully easy to find what we need, when we need it.  The information is amazing when you think about it! If we have something on our mind, BAM, we’re just a couple of clicks from advice, tips, suggestions, and much needed inspiration and motivation. So, Baby Boomers and their children head right for the most popular website destination of them all: Google! The trusty little box awaits their deepest concerns and in mere seconds, there are lists of answers waiting for them.

The economy, is blamed for just about every ill in the world right now.  The problem is, people have had a deep-down yearning for happiness long before the recent economic roller coaster. It’s an inborn desire. We all want to be happy – happy feels good.   Before I come across as the PR agent for the economy, let me admit that it adds to people’s list of woes.  We aren’t able to buy anything and everything we want (again, at the risk of sounding like a PR department, I”m not sure I’ve ever been able to do that). Tragically, many people ARE struggling. I read about people losing their jobs as well as their homes. It’s heartbreaking and it’s also easy to see why a lot of families are having trouble staying together.

I guess it’s tough to stay together when you’re struggling just to keep it together.

Life’s tough.  Amen and amen. How often do things happen to us and one of the first things we think of is, “I thought this only happened to other people.”  When I got a call that my sister-in-law had been killed in an accident, it was as though life froze for a minute as my brain tried to process it. Is this really happening? This is like something you read about in the newspaper. When the story in the newspaper (there was one, of course) hits close to home, it’s almost surreal.  This woman had fought cancer and survived and she loses her life in an accident?

Loved ones die, they get sick, they do things we wish they wouldn’t and sometimes it seems they’ve completely lost their minds.  We often have to watch as bills pile up as money refuses to keep up (talk about an epic fail in supply and demand).  Many people had to watch, with tear-filled eyes, as people they loved headed off to fight in a war they never wanted to fight in the first place.  Throw in perennial hot topics such as loneliness, coping with an empty nest, self image problems, rocky relationships, and struggles with bad habits and addictions and is it any wonder 45,000,000 people are searching for answers?

As I said earlier,  my goal is to add many, many articles, posts, inspirational stories, resources, book reviews, and happiness quotes under the new How to Be Happy category right away.

As one egg said to the other, I’d better get cracking. Sorry, I hadn’t met my corny joke quotient for the week. I have now. Thank you for your cooperation.

Also See: If You Want to Be Happy, Forget Growing UP and Grow YOUNGER!

See the too-cool-for-school tabbed box in the middle of the post above? That would be me playing with an AWESOME new plugin we bought, Shortcode Kid. I’m completely in love with this mind-boggling plugin. So many possibilities! If you have a WordPress blog, click through to check it out for yourself.