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You are here: Home / Archives for Relationships

Relationships

Faithfulness in Relationships

February 8, 2011 by Joi 9 Comments

I was watching a local news telecast a few nights ago, before watching a dvd with Mr. Right (always was, always has been, always will be).  The host interviewed a man who was a therapist.  Apparently he specializes in relationships.  Given the fact that I write about relationships a lot, I turned the volume up a little and listened to the interview.

The host asked him what the number one problem he saw with relationships today was.  I guess I may ere on the side of naivety, but before he answered I expected something relatively simple like “He/She doesn’t listen to me..” or “We don’t have enough time together…”

I absolutely was not prepared for his answer, “Infidelity. By a long shot. Infidelity.”

Granted, before a couple seeks a therapist, the final straw had to have dropped and this is one of the heaviest, ugliest straws imaginable.

He went on to talk about how social media outlets, such as Facebook and Twitter, have added to the problem.  I can see that.  In fact, I see it almost every day.  Some people “flirt” and act like perfect fools on these websites. Bottom line, if you’re in a relationship, you should respect the other person enough to speak to and about others EXACTLY as you would if they were sitting right beside you.

Unfortunately, there aren’t nearly enough people with this much class, this much character, or this much respect and love for the person they’re in a relationship with.
How many times do men and women hide that they’re even in a relationship? After all, they’ll be able to “score” far more flirtatious comments if everyone thinks they’re single.

How desperate can some people be?

How many times do people “follow” or “friend” people they know their spouse or significant other would disapprove of?  They’d rather go through great pains to “hide” posts and quickly close or minimize windows than to just be respectful of their wishes.  Basically, they’re saying that this person’s feelings aren’t worth as much to them as the attention they get from the other person or persons.

How many people (this one’s a big, fat personal peeve) run down and belittle their significant other (when they admit they exist, that is!) online?  Could that be any more pathetic, immature, and uncool?!?!  Their followers or friends don’t know the whole story, so they sing out their sympathy and join in the bashing.  Social media should never, ever, ever be used to “get at” people.  Not strangers, not friends, not family.  It’s kind of like taking a picture of the dirty laundry in your laundry basket and posting it online.  Why not just do the dang laundry?!?! If you have a problem… if a boyfriend, wife, friend, sister, etc has trampled upon your feelings – go to them and say, “You have trampled upon my feelings. Let’s resolve this.”   Don’t fly off to your computer or phone.

How many women and men take inappropriate pictures of themselves and post online?  Pictures that their spouse or significant other would LOVE for them to NOT post? Again, it  hearkens back to an absolute desperation for attention.    Maybe if these self paparazzi stalkers found other ways to feel good about themselves, they wouldn’t constantly need the reactions of others. Maybe if they worked on their relationship more, they’d be fulfilled and happy enough to post pictures of themselves as a couple!  Oh, just a thought.

If you are in a relationship, do yourself, the one you love, and your relationship a HUGE favor:  Examine how you behave on social sites.  Examine your motives.  Could the one that you supposedly adore sit beside you and SEE for herself/himself who you speak with regularly and the things you say?

If not, you have a problem. Make that, If not, you ARE the problem.

In my opinion, any sort of deception is cheating.  I don’t hate many things in this world, but cheating and lying are two that I harbor a strong unChristian hatred for.   Cheaters make me see red and and cause me to long for their day or reckoning! It always comes too, you know; and, generally speaking, the cost and damage are in no way worth the trouble.

Relationships are kind of funny in that we always see the other person’s shortcomings while overlooking our own. It takes two individuals to make a strong relationship but it takes just one of them to destroy it. If one person has one foot in the relationship and one foot out of the relationship, the relationship is doomed.  It’s just a matter of time.

It takes commitment and honesty to make a relationship work – and not just from one side.  It takes BOTH.

If you’re skating on thin ice, think about what (and who) you stand to lose. Think about their trust, their love, their presence in your life. Are you really willing to throw all of that away?  Think about the expression on their face as their heart is breaking.  Is that something you can live with?  Are they someone you can live without?

Remember the startling statistic we read in the last post, 50 percent of marriages in America end in divorce.  So many of these can have been prevented if

When it comes to relationships and cheating, there are no shades of gray. There’s no such thing as harmless flirting and no such thing as forgivable deception. You’re either honest or you’re not.  Only you know for sure…

For now.

Filed Under: Relationships Tagged With: relationship advice, Relationships

Love is in the Air

February 1, 2011 by Joi 2 Comments

Love Is in the Air

Buy This Allposters.com

Love is in the air
Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound

Oh oh oh  oh oh oh. Great John Paul Young song. It popped in my head earlier when it seemed that, literally, everywhere I looked images of hearts, love, roses, and lovers met my eyes.

I got into my e-mail this morning and there were countless e-mails about Valentine’s Day candy, jewelry, and other lovelies. With very good reason, stores court me mightily. You know what they remind me of? Remember when Granny Clampett brewed her love potion and, in the process, made lovesick fools out of everyone in Beverly Hills? They got all sloppy-eyed and fell all over themselves trying to get to “the one” who’s love they had to have!

Department stores and online stores get all sloppy-eyed and fall all over themselves trying to get to “the one” (me) who’s money they have to have! It’s my own fault, I reciprocate over half the time.

They know I’m easy.

I have a few posts lined up for the coming days, leading up to Valentine’s Day. Naturally, these posts, articles, quotes, and book reviews all have love on their mind. But not JUST the romantic kind of love. We’ll also talk a lot about love for family members, love for others, and even love for self.

Mostly, we’ll just focus on the word, the emotion, and the power of L-O-V-E.

I’m reading a super book right now, Love For No Reason by Marci Shimoff. I’m nearly through and will have the review up by Thursday morning. Maybe even sooner – thanks to the power of coffee. A friend recently gave me a bag of great coffee beans, so my fuel tank is quite full.

The main gist of all of the articles will, however, be one of my own personal mottos or mission statements: The more things and people you love, the more love will reside in your heart. The more love you GIVE, the more love will COME back to you.

When our beautiful daughters (Emily, Brittany, and Stephany) were little girls, we always made a point of exposing them to as many different foods, music, art, places, and faces as possible. Since I home-schooled them, I felt that I needed to go above and beyond when it came to opening the world up for them.

Not only did I want them to experience and see as many things as possible, I wanted for their capacity to love to grow as wide and as deep as it possibly could. It may seem like “hippy talk” to some but when I look at what loving girls they are today, I realize I’d go back and do it all over again.

Whenever I’m out with one (or two, or all) of my daughters, I appreciate and applaud the fact that they’re filled with so much love and positive emotion. Few are their complaints and they never look down on anyone who comes into our view. They are not judgmental, sarcastic, or hardened toward life in any way.

Just what their parents were after!

My husband once told me (when our family was hunkered down and riding out one of life’s particularly nasty little storms) that he thought I was possibly the strongest person he ever knew. I sort of basked in the compliment for a few minutes but, deep down, I know the truth – I’m not strong…. but LOVE is.

Lol cat Mine Daddeh Lubs MeI Can Has Cheezburger.com

I have my share of faults (believe me, believe me) but I am, at heart, filled with love. Sometimes probably too much so. It’s been know to get me into binds.

  • I love God.
  • I love my family.
  • I love my friends (those who give me coffee are more like family)
  • I love my cats.
  • I love your cats.
  • I love people.
  • I love coffee.
  • I love chocolate.
  • I love Kentucky.
  • I love Christmas.
  • I love Thanksgiving.
  • I love Valentine’s Day.
  • I love Easter.
  • I love icanhascheezburger.com
  • I love America.
  • I love birds and birdwatching.
  • I love polar bears.
  • I love baseball.
  • I love UK basketball.
  • I love the Denver Broncos anyway.
  • I love wolves.
  • I love dogs.
  • I love Chai Tea Lattes from Starbucks.
  • I love ladybugs.
  • I love really good guacamole.
  • I love Lucy.
  • I love green tea.
  • I love cooking.
  • I love eating.
  • I love cupcakes.
  • I love long walks.
  • I love Scooby Doo.
  • I love winter.
  • I love spring.
  • I love summer.
  • I love fall.
  • I love rain.
  • I love thunderstorms.
  • I love snow.
  • I love sunshine.
  • I love butterflies.
  • I love trees.
  • I love Patsy Cline music.
  • I love Motown.
  • I love kids.
  • I love senior citizens.
  • I love The Flintstones.
  • I love Shakespeare.
  • I love old movies and classic tv.
  • I love The History Channel.
  • I love The Discovery Channel.
  • I love cranky old men.
  • I love country music.
  • I love rock music.
  • I love peanut butter fudge.
  • I love learning.
  • I love everything associated with National Geographic.
  • I love my home.
  • I love my yard.
  • I love cranky old women.
  • I love sharks.
  • I love Swamp Men (Not to be confused with Swamp People, the one’s who blow the gator’s brains out. I’m not about that).
  • I love inspirational quotes.
  • I love gum-smacking teenagers.
  • I love The Biggest Loser.
  • I love poetry.
  • I love history.
  • I love going to the Grand Ole Opry.
  • I love my treadmill.
  • I love Panera Bread.
  • I love reading.
  • I love you.
  • To be continued everyday for the rest of my life….

The list goes on and on and on. You get the idea, right?  My list of “I love”s goes on two forevers – far, far, far eclipsing my list of  “I hate”s.

What does this mean in the self help arena?

I was hoping you’d ask…. because, that’s right, I love questions. 🙂

When we fill our lives, minds, and hearts with things we love, do we not make ourselves more loving individuals?  Of course we do!   Just like when we fill a pitcher with water – it becomes filled with water.  Common sense, right?

The beauty of it all is this – there are many benefits to falling in love with as many things as possible.

  • When you are a loving person, your relationships are sweeter.
  • When you are a loving person, people are drawn to you.
  • When you are a loving person, you’re happier.
  • When you are a loving person, you’re healthier.
  • When you are a loving person, it’s harder to shake your world.

That last one?   Just call it the golden key.  It’s what led my husband to believe that I had superhuman strength.  Love is a very powerful, beautiful thing. It’s something that we take for granted as much as we do the air we breathe.

Of course, we couldn’t live without air, whereas I suppose we could live without love.  It’d be more like existing than living, though.  Big difference.

I hope you’ll find something within these rambling words to make you think.  That’s always my goal – to cause my reader friends to think and come up with their own answers (they’re always within you, you know).  I hope you’ll fill your life with so much love that you find it difficult NOT to smile.

Furthermore, I hope you’ll actively, proactively, and passionately look for more things to love.  Hadn’t you rather be accused of loving too much than too little?

Always look for fewer things to hate and always look for more things to love.  You know, like cookies, cheetahs, cupcakes, birds, football, baseball, books, blueberry muffins, polar bears, neck rubs, spiders (don’t judge me)….

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Relationships Tagged With: love, loving others, Relationships

Do You Play Whack-a-Mole With Your Relationships?

December 3, 2010 by Joi 6 Comments

I subscribe to several newsletters. Some fall under the heading of inspirational and/or motivational, some fall under the heading of health news, and some are the true blue “… of the day” variety – recipe of the day, word of the day, quote of the day, etc. Each gives me something I need and something that makes my day a little brighter.

One of my favorite newsletters is the From His Heart Newsletter. Great stuff!

I’m going to pull an excerpt from the recent edition to share with you because it’s absolutely phenomenal:

From His Heart Newsletter, December 3, 2010:
Have you ever played the arcade game Whack-a-Mole? It is a fun little game in which you take a padded mallet in your hand and whack the moles as they pop up from their holes. You have to be observant and “quick on the whack” to do well at that game.

Did you know a lot of us play Whack-a-Mole with our spouse and our children? We notice every wrong thing that pops up in them, and we quickly whack them for it. We are so adept at seeing the negative. We are so good at beating down those we supposedly love. The sad truth about playing Whack-a-Mole is this: eventually those we love stop popping up; they just give up. Their attitude is understandable as they quietly whisper, “What’s the use of trying anymore. It is obvious that there is nothing I can do to please my dad (or my mom or my spouse).”

PUT AWAY THE MALLET

If you have been guilty of playing Whack-a-Mole, the time is now to put away the mallet. Take time TODAY to let your spouse, your children, your loved ones know that you are proud of them. Be observant of what those special people in your life do well and praise them for it. People respond to positive encouragement much better than they do constant correction and criticism. Isn’t that true of you? I know it is of me.

Author: Jeff Schreve

Whack-a-Mole. I love the analogy! I believe that there are two different groups who fall prey to whacking.

  1. Those who legitimately LOVE to find fault and “tear” others down. Whether it feeds their need to feel superior or simply springs from a love of nitpicking, they seem to love the feel of the mallet in their hands.
  2. Those who don’t even realize what they’re doing. Think of a tree limb.  It doesn’t “decide” which way it’s going to grow – the decision has been made and it goes with the flow.  Some people are “bent” in a particular direction.  For example, my youngest daughter and I are total homebodies. We’re bent in the direction of staying in, baking cookies, chit-chatting, and watching tv. The rest of our family is bent in the direction of ripping and roaring whenever the opportunity presents itself. They wear us out!  Some people are “bent” in the direction of finding faults, highlighting negatives, and trying to FIX everything and everyone.  How exhausted they must be at the end of the day, right?

I’m not sure I could ever come up with the right words to give people who get a kick out of tearing people down.  Furthermore, I’m not sure I’d have the patience to even try to reason with bullies… which is what these people are if you break it all down.

However, for those who feel compelled to FIX everything and everyone, I sympathize with them.  I would love nothing more than to save all of the children and animals in the world.  I’d love nothing more than to feed the hungry, right the wrongs, cure diseases, and make sure everyone had money in his or her pocket.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…. Joi’s crazy.  She’s finally flipped her top.  One overly-caffeinated, chocolate eating, animal loving wife and mother in western Kentucky can’t possibly, possibly, possibly accomplish all of that.

Equally “crazy” is the concept of one individual controlling the thoughts, actions, words, hairstyles, and dress codes of everyone around him or her.  Attempting to do so will simply aggravate the individual and create an ever-growing distance between them and those they try to “fix.”

If you’re “bent” in this unfortunate direction… unlike a tree, you can do something about it.  When a negative thought enters your mind, replace it with a positive one.

Here’s an example:  Let’s say your son is dating a girl and you positively detest the way she dresses.  The more you fixate on that one thing, the more often you’re going to complain and gripe about it.  Not only will you fail to recognize or appreciate her good qualities, you’ll drive everyone around you mad with your fixating!  No one wants to hang out with someone who fixates… their negative energy sucks the life right out of a room.

When a thought enters your mind about her clothes, replace it instantaneously with a positive thought.  Does she have a great laugh?  Does she make your son happy?  Is she smart?  Is she what we proudly old-fashioned people would call a “good girl?”

When you develop the habit of replacing negatives with positives, I’ll tell you what will happen:  Your world will instantly improve.  People will draw closer to you rather than retreat (and, if they’re closer – they’ll be more apt to listen to you!).  Think again about the Whack-a-Mole analogy.  The moles LITERALLY hide from the whacker.  They avoid it at all costs because, come on, who needs that? When you put the mallet down, your world will suddenly be filled with people “coming out of hiding,” you’ll feel more at peace with the world around you, you’ll relax more and even sleep better.

Put simply, walls will come down.  Now, if you ask me, that’s a renovation that can’t be put off any longer.

 

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Relationships, Spiritual Tagged With: relationship advice, Relationships

Emotional Rollercoaster Coming in for a Landing!

October 13, 2010 by Joi 2 Comments

Note: This post was actually written Monday! I only thought it posted…  At any rate, I just re-read it and realized just how down I was when I wrote the words. It’s now Wednesday morning and life, emotions, and everything else is back to normal.

Normal’s good.

I’m struggling today.  I believe myself to be a strong person – emotionally, mentally, and spiritually anyway.  Physically, not so much.  Pickle jars often send me tearing through the house in search of my husband’s hands.

Today, I feel as emotionally weak as a tight lid makes my hands feel.

My firstborn daughter, Emily, was married this weekend and I’m incredibly proud of her, I’m unspeakably happy for her, and I’m head-over-heels crazy about her new husband.  He’s a sweetheart and has felt like family since the first day he came into the house.  The boy is straight up “larger than life” and I couldn’t be happier that he’s in our life.

So why the lack of strength today?   Well, I just said the words: The house.  Too darn quiet!

While my husband and I still have two beautiful daughters who are almost always here with their own boyfriends and while we have a great number of precious cats, there is now something missing.

Emily.

Since we first brought this blue-eyed girl home from the hospital, she’s been one of my very best friends, companions, and partners in crime. We’ve always been more than mother and daughter – we’re kindred spirits in every sense of the word.

Emily and I drink the same drinks (coffee – and lots of it, green tea, hot chocolate – she hasn’t jumped on my Rice Milk bandwagon yet), love the same foods, laugh at the same jokes (especially when we’re in the middle of telling it), eat at the same restaurants, and watch the same shows (Survivor, The Biggest Loser, UK Basketball, and other sports).  We both over tip, shop too much, and love to walk.  We hate racism, violence, anger, and desperately wish we could feed, clothe, hug, and adopt every lonely child in the world.

And boy do we love to laugh.  I guess that’s why each one of us married such clowns!  At the wedding, we happened to be laughing at another family clown (my youngest daughter Stephany’s boyfriend) and one of Emily’s co-workers told her, “Awww, you have your mother’s laugh.”

Yes, indeed.

My brain knows that Emily and Dill (my new clown-in-law) now live just minutes away (7 if my husband drives, 4 if I drive).  My brain also knows that she’ll be here most nights for supper because cooking is one area we aren’t the least bit alike in – I love to cook and Emily has absolutely no use for the sport whatsoever.

She’ll also be here each night one of our shows is on.  I make the snacks, we watch the show, and then we re-live what happened.  Ironically, we almost always have the same favorite contestants on Survivor, The Biggest Loser, etc.  Recently, when Coach Jimmy Johnson was voted off of Survivor, we both started grumbling at the remaining contestants.  One of us cursed them to losing ALL future challenges while the other hoped they starved.  I won’t say which.  It was funny because I don’t think either one of us realized how much the other one liked him.

My husband and youngest daughter didn’t seem to mind his exit as much.  At least they didn’t wish starvation or humiliation on anyone.

My brain also knows that Emily and I will be in constant contact – we text like crazy!  All of our shopping outings, restaurant visits, and Starbucks trips will remain the same.

Realistically, I “get” all of that.  But…. well… it was lonely at the coffee maker this morning.

Deep breath.

Okay, I’m going to make it through this – just like all parents do when their children have the audacity to grow up.  We just keep going forward, keep looking in front of us, and try to keep a smile firmly on our face.

For their sake.

At the wedding, I felt tears welling up but thought of Emily.  It would have made her sad to see me with tears in my eyes, so I summoned up the strength to swallow the lump in my throat and dry the tears before they ever fell.  2 seconds later, she looked at me and smiled when she saw me smiling at her.  She was such a beautiful bride.  She has been beautiful every step of the way, though.  Beautiful baby, beautiful toddler, beautiful teen-ager, and now, a beautiful young lady.

Who am I kidding?  She’s still my baby and she always will be.  If she didn’t already know that, she knew it when I handed her a glass of punch at the reception and told her not to spill it on her dress.  I told her I wished I had a sippy cup for her and she said she wished I did too.

I’m afraid that this post is sounding sadder than I intended for it to sound.  I’m actually not sad right now as I sit here drinking coffee and ferociously typing away.  I’ve been thinking about Monday Night Football snacks, playing with a few of my cats, and trying to catch up on work.  I’m so behind on my blogs and e-mail that it makes my head spin.

I do just want to say this: I know (from e-mail and comments on this site) that a lot of parents are going through this transitional phase right now, too.  You simply can’t love your children with every breath in your body and not miss them when they step out into the world on their own.

Just keep reminding yourself that they’re taking a very large part of you with them.  Your words, your love, your addiction to coffee, your taste in music.  You’re as vital to them now as ever.  You will forever be their safety net – a place where they know (no matter how tough or ugly the world gets), they have a place they can go to feel nothing but safe and nothing but loved.  A place where they’re always as golden as the sun and as welcome as rain on an August afternoon.  A place where the cares of the world disappear, coffee is always brewing, and the best seat in the house is their’s for the taking.  A place where it’s always the right time for dessert – and, ironically, they can always find their favorite on the menu (funny how that happens).  They always have a place that makes the world feel as safe and wonderful as it did when they were six.

Home.

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Relationships Tagged With: children, parenting, Relationships

Empty Nest Syndrome: Let’s Bury the Phrase in the Yard

August 11, 2010 by Joi 11 Comments

Beautiful Tree
A few posts back, I mentioned the number of women I’ve personally heard from (and others who I have read about) who are currently struggling with what they call the “Empty Nest Syndrome” or as one lady (who’s kids still live at home) referred to as the “May as Well Be An Empty Nest Because the Birds are Always Gone Syndrome.”

As I’ve said before, I HATE the term “Empty Nest Syndrome.”  What is empty? The total absence of anything. If my coffee cup is empty – – – something that rarely happens, but that’s another story – – –  the cup is without anything in it.  Empty.  Nothing there.

If a home is empty, there isn’t anyone in it.  Empty.  No one there.

I was walking around my yard a few weeks ago when I saw a bird’s nest on the ground.  I, hesitantly, turned it over to see if anything was beneath it.  I was greatly relieved to find that the nest was empty.  No one home when it came crashing down.  Now that’s an EMPTY NEST.

A home in which at least one parent, often two, are living is anything but empty.

What you’re experiencing (and if you’ve read this far, I assume you’re going through the experience or, at least, know that it exists on the horizon) is simply another chapter in your life.  It’s a chapter that’s simply a little quieter with a little more “free time.”  From here on, I’ll refer to the aforementioned syndrome as the “Quiet House Chapter.”

The thing that makes this chapter seem so drastically and dramatically different is that it’s a huge transition.  You go from walking out to the car, one day, with multiple kids fighting over who’s turn it is to sit up front to walking out to the same car the next day with only your shadow as a companion.  He, or she, calls shotgun and off you go.

You go from making lunch for a party of 2, 3, 4, or 5 to making lunch for a party of one – two if your cat’s awake.

It’s not the end of the world, though, and I get crazy upset with people who act like it is.  It’s a new chapter, that’s all, and as any book lover knows, new chapters can be exciting.  New chapters can be challenging.  And new chapters can be, dare I say it, fun!

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to any of the emotions felt.   I’m a mother bird, too.  God blessed me more than I ever thought was possible when he allowed me to become a mother to three beautiful daughters who I love and cherish more than my next breath.  I’d wager to say that this transition in life is even tougher on mothers such as myself, who were stay-at-home moms while raising their children.

To compound the matter, this particular stay-at-home mom also home-schooled her children all the way through school.  That’s a lot of years of sitting at the table studying history, going to the library, picnics at the park, making lunch together, and so forth.

That’s why, I believe with all my heart, that my family has been kind of nonchalantly keeping an eye on me – waiting for Mother Hen’s wig to flip.  They know that my family is my life – they always have been and they always will be.  It doesn’t matter if we’re currently under the same roof or not.  Family is family no matter where they count their sheep.

When you get down to it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a working parent, a work at home parent, or a home-schooling parent,  when the life that you dearly love with every fiber of your being changes – it throws you.  What you have to do is make sure it throws you forward.  Allow it to make you stronger, not weaker.  Demand that it make you better, not bitter.

And, please let the only parties you throw be happy ones, as in no pity parties allowed.  I promise, you’ll be the only one there.

Whether you’re kids are living at home (yet seem to be gone all the time) or they’ve already moved out, there are certain tips for coping with the “Quiet House Chapter” as well as a little homespun advice from a Mother Hen who’s proverbial wig is still in place.

Playing in the Next Room

Here’s something I shared with one reader a few months ago.  I got an e-mail from her yesterday and she said the advice has worked “brilliantly” for her.  I could tell, just by reading her words that she was in a much better place.  The first few times she contacted me, I could almost “hear” tears in her words – this time I’m almost certain there was laughter.

Remember when your kids were small and they’d play in their bedroom or the living room?  Even if you were in the kitchen, you knew where they were – playing in the next room.  The concept of them staying in the same room you were in, 24-7, would have seemed bizarre.  Even though they played in the next room, you were their parent and they were your child and you loved them with all your heart.  You knew they were just a “call” away – whether it were you doing the “calling” because supper was ready or they did the “calling” because someone took their Barbie!

You were 1 call away.

When your kids are older and they seem to spend more time at the mall than their own bedroom, or they move out on their own or go off to college – it will truly help you to think of them as “playing in the next room.”   The beautiful thing is, you’re still just a “call” away.  Whether it’s you making the “call” because you’re making their favorite casserole for supper or they’re making the “call” because they want to know if paper plates are microwavable – you’re still 1 call away.

Pull Yourself Together

There will be days when you feel kind of sad.  There will be days when you think you’d give anything to turn back time.  There will be days when you’re kind of lonely.  It might remind you of when you, yourself, moved away from home for the first time – another huge chapter in your life.  But remember this:  Nothing really changed, did it?

Well, actually, very often things change for the better.  I honestly believe I grew closer to both my mother and my father after I got married.  The crazy thing is, I’m almost certain I saw them more often – especially when the granddaughters came!  I had them over for dinner several nights a week, we went shopping more often, we walked at the park, my mom always made Sunday dinner, my father and my husband talked for hours about sports…

Keep one thing in mind:  How you act as you enter this new chapter will determine just how much everyone will want to be around you!  If you make your kids, or husband, feel guilty or try to make them feel sorry for you – you will push them away.  No one wants to take a guilt trip – they’ll simply avoid the risk by avoiding you.  If, every time one of your kids calls you spend half the conversation talking about how lonely or miserable you are, do you really think they’re going to rush to the phone to call you again any time soon?

For your sake as much as the sake of your family, if you’re coming undone over the Quiet House Chapter, pull yourself together.

Idle Minds Are the Devil’s Workshop

Maybe it’s not the nest that’s as empty as it is the life.  I know, ouch. Many times parents get so wrapped up in raising, teaching, caring for, and playing with their children that they overlook one tiny little thing – everyone has to have their own life, their own interests, their own goals, their own ambitions, and their own smiles.

Yes, their own smiles.

When parents look at their children – we smile!  Even if the child is being a cantankerous little snot, on some level it amuses us. There’s nothing in the world wrong with smiling at your kids – I smile just thinking about mine.  What’s wrong is acting like they’re the only thing that can bring a smile to your face.  It’s a big, beautiful world out there – filled with, literally, countless things to smile at and about.

Never let anyone feel that one of their responsibilities in life is to flip your happiness switch.  Flip your own!

When the Quiet House Chapter begins, you’ll find yourself with lots of free time and free thoughts.  This is where the chapter takes on a certain level of excitement – you get to fill this free time and these free thoughts any way you want.  No one’s dictating what you have to do from this time to that time.    You can take up new hobbies, learn new skills, take up yoga, launch a home business, or write the next great vampire novel.

Below is a list of different adventures you might want to take:

  • Take up bird watching.
  • Go to the Animal Shelter and rescue a dog who looks lonely.
  • Rescue two!
  • Learn to speak a new language
  • Learn cake decorating.
  • Take online classes in a subject that fascinates you.
  • Take up photography. This is one of my favorites! One of my favorite things to photograph (besides my family and cats) is trees. This tree hugger is never happier than when she’s out getting “the money shot” involving a tree that has caught my eye. The tree at the top of the post is a personal favorite.
  • Learn everything you can about sharks, whales, dolphins, and the ocean.
  • Volunteer.
  • Begin reading all of Agatha Christie’s mysteries.  Start at the first and keep going until you’ve read them all.
  • Go to the shelter and adopt a couple of kittens.  Cats make incredible companions.
  • Grow an herb garden.
  • Buy a couple of yoga dvds, a great yoga book, and fall in love with the experience.
  • Take up serious walking or biking.
  • Take trips to your local state parks and zoos.
  • Go to the Grand Old Opry.
  • Learn to play an instrument. Check out guitar lessons from TakeLessons.
  • Make candles, soap, jewelry, or all three.
  • Buy a sewing machine and take up sewing.
  • Learn to quilt.
  • Perfect your homemade bread recipe.
  • Start an eBay business – find great deals on antiques and collectibles, then sell them for extra cash.
  • Visit your library regularly.  Scourge the shelves for fascinating new subjects to read about.
  • Buy a bird!
  • Start an aquarium.
  • Buy hamsters and provide elaborate cages and mazes for them.
  • Start watching a sport you’ve never watched before. Pick a team and follow their every game.
  • Learn to make a great cake from scratch – then experiment with different recipes.

I know I mention pets a great deal – but, for one thing, I’m the biggest animal lover in the world… and for another, they STAY babies!

If you decide to pursue a certain interest, buy all the books and dvds you can find on the subject – check out books at the library, research it online, and embrace the fascinating new passion with all you have inside of you.

Please just remember this – it’s something I harp on a great deal on Self Help Daily and Out of Bounds:  Never, ever stop living – the day you do, you start dying.  If you wake up one morning and you just aren’t sure you have any reason to laugh, find one!  When we move from one chapter to the next in life, there are a couple of things that are RIPE for picking:

  1. We can become bitter, sad, and refuse to make the transition from one chapter to the next.  We can keep looking back, with tear-stained eyes at the chapters we’ve already lived and make everyone around us nearly as miserable as we are.  We can make it so that we have absolutely nothing to contribute to conversations – other than “Well, I hope YOU’RE happy.” and “I’m so LONELY.”  (Wonderful, wonderful conversation nuggets, don’t you think.)
  2. We can look back on our past chapters with joy and pride, while embracing the one we’re currently living in with all that’s within us.  We can become so busy learning new things and taking up new interests and hobbies that our spouse and our kids simply don’t know what we’re going to come up with next!  My oldest daughter was a little taken aback yesterday when I called her out to my garden to show her something I’d found:  On a sage leaf was the largest (HUGE) yellow spider I’d ever seen in my life.  I was so proud!  I had her take a picture of my sage loving friend.  My sweet, petite, lovely daughter said, “Kill it!” a couple of times but why would I go and do a thing like that?!  Yes, I’ve become fascinated with spiders.  I guess it was only a matter of time.   The mammoth spider lived to see another day and he provided me with another interest to pursue.

Life is filled with excitement, fun, and fascinating moments – as long as you keep looking for them.  I don’t beg often, but if you’re currently going through this chapter in your life, I beg you to fill your days with reasons to smile…  and, no they don’t have to be spiders!

If you ever want a sounding board, my e-mail is on the site.   Now, I’m off to the garden to see if  “Sargent Sage” is lurking around. Such a handsome devil.

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Relationships Tagged With: empty nest, loneliness, Relationships

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Cat on Pine Mountain , Kentucky

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