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You Can (Almost) Always Find What You’re Looking For… So Be Careful What You Seek!

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Perspective Quote

Short story to set the stage – even if it does involve telling on myself and my ridiculousness in the process:

A few years ago, my husband was away for a business trip. I’m not the bravest person in the world, so when my daughters began talking about something VERY scary they had read about one afternoon, my brain whispered, “Well, if this doesn’t keep you awake all night, nothing will.” I pushed the whisper aside and reasoned that by the time bedtime rolled around and the lights were off, I’d be fine.

WRONG.

As soon as the lights turned off, the brain turned on. It felt compelled to remind me of the “true” horror story. Being very familiar with myself and knowing what it’d take for me to get any rest whatsoever, I grabbed my iPhone and Googled, “Why {insert horror occurrence} is a hoax.” Badabing! I found explanation after explanation of why this couldn’t possibly have happened and found “holes” punched everywhere within the story.

I slept like a baby.

Here’s the tricky thing – Had I been a complete idiot and Googled, “Why {insert horror occurrence} is true,” I’d have found… you guessed it… just what I was looking for.

I’m sure you’ve figured out where this is heading, right?

So often, in life, what we “find” doesn’t happen by mistake or coincidence – we “find” it because, whether we realize it or not, it’s what we were looking for.  I see it online with social media almost daily. There are some people who seem absolutely SET on finding drama and stirring up stress and emotions. I don’t want to get off track, here, but what is up with these people?! I want things to be as calm and peaceful as possible… who, in their right mind, wants drama circling around them?!

Whether it makes sense or not, they search for it and, naturally, they find it.

I’m always amused when, after it hits the fan, they act shocked and confused like, “How did this storm happen???”

You did the rain dance, honey, that’s how!

By contrast, there are people (raising my hand high) who get on social media to be informed, entertained, amused, and (hopefully) provide these things for others. Again, what they seek is generally what they find.

Have you ever seen a 4 year old who is tired and cranky? He/she seems to be actively looking for trouble, don’t they? How like children adults can be!

This is a short post because the real trick is simply to get your thoughts flowing. You don’t need me to tell you if you set out looking for drama, gossip, and maybe even a little argument now and then. You don’t need me to tell you if you actively seek out calmness, harmony, and goodwill. You already know you – as well as I know my Chicken Little ridiculous self! I’m only here to ask you this – Is what you seek conducive toward your happiness and mental health or not? Is what you tend to actively look for constructive to your relationships or destructive?

Make no mistake about it, each of these questions has a clear answer.

We find what we actively seek… make sure you’re looking for something worth having, because you will find it.

~ Joi

The Road to Calm Workbook (Review of a Book With Nothing But Relaxing You on Its Mind!)

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The Road to Calm Workbook The Road to Calm Workbook
I’ve had quite a few great books sent my way to review lately and the one you see pictured above is yet another winner that was sent my way: The Road to Calm Workbook (Life-Changing Tools to Stop Runaway Emotions) by Carolyn Daitch & Lissah Lorberbaum.

Before I tell you why you’re going to love this book, can we just talk about the cover for a minute?  You may not know this about me, but I am crazy obsessed with book covers. I think a book’s cover should set the mood and set the tone for what’s coming. I’m so fixated on covers that I actually get a little queasy when someone has obviously failed to think through the cover. When I have a book with a beautiful cover that captures the heart of the book, I tend to like it even more.

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover… obviously they didn’t know me!

This cover is so perfectly perfect for this book. The colors, the font used for the text, the clouds, the water… perfect times a million.

Book Description:

A protocol of easy-to-use tools that can be applied when readers experience difficult-to-manage emotions.

Emotional flooding―being overwhelmed by feelings―happens in response to stress, anxiety, and life’s challenges. In this client-orientated accompaniment to Affect Regulation Toolbox, Carolyn Daitch and Lissah Lorberbaum present skills and tools on how to dial down reactivity, practice mindfulness, and focus positively on the future. Written to conquer a broad range of emotional challenges in easily accessibly language, this book is intended to help clients improve the quality of their everyday lives.

The workbook is split into two parts. Part I helps the reader understand when and why emotional flooding occurs. Using vivid stories and examples of others’ triggering situations helps the reader better understand their own triggers, and how to cope with them. Part II provides instructions for “daily stress inoculations,” a daily practice for relaxing and lowering baseline levels of emotional reactivity. The STOP Solution is introduced as a way of learning how to stop or lessen feeling emotionally overwhelmed. STOP stands for Scanning thoughts, feelings, and sensations, Taking a time-out, Overcoming Initial Flooding, and Putting tools into practice.

Throughout the workbook, readers will find guided imagery exercises, opportunities for journaling and reflection, mindfulness practices, and matching audio exercises on the accompanying CD. A complimentary companion app (for information, visit: www.bitly.com/RoadToCalmApp) also enhances readers’ ability to take these exercises on the go. The result of this gentle and reliable program is resilience, well-being, and freedom from the emotional patterns that create suffering and damage relationships.

The Road to Calm Workbook is more than just a book – it’s more of a guide. The authors will guide you through the road-map of your own emotions. Many times you’ll find yourself thinking, “So… that explains why I react this way.” or “Absolutely – that does make me tick.” Becoming more self-aware is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself and this book is an excellent starting point.

About the Author

Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D., is the director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in Farmington Hills, Michigan. A clinical psychologist, she is a certified and approved consultant and elected Fellow of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis as well a Fellow of the Michigan Psychological Association. A frequent invited speaker around the world, she is internationally recognized for her practical and easy to implement interventions.She has written four books, including the award winning Affect Regulation Toolbox: Practical and Effective Hypnotic Interventions for the Over-reactive Client, which has received international acclaim and was awarded best hypnosis book by the Society of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis in 2008.

Lissah Lorberbaum, MA, holds a master’s degree in clinical psychology with a specialization in somatic psychology and treats affect dysregulation across a wide range of clientele. She is also coauthor of Anxious in Love: How to Manage Your Anxiety, Reduce Conflict, and Reconnect with Your Partner. She lives and works in Los Angeles, CA.

When reviewing a book that deals with self-evaluation, self-realization, and other self-oriented topics, I don’t just read the book for myself – I read what others are saying about the book. This allows me to get a bigger picture of the book and its “reach.” In this case, it was almost a necessity because I’m (by nature) as calm as a cat who just got its belly filled with milk and is reclining in the sun.  Naturally, stressful moments move me – as I’m a content cat, not a dead one.  I found this book to be a fantastic and enjoyable journey, but I couldn’t help wondering what others thought.
When I read other reviews, I found that many people who suffer from anxiety, stress, bad tempers, discouragement and other emotions found this book to be like having a visit with a “therapist” or an old friend. I found that to be fascinating, but not surprising, because the authors have done a wonderful job of putting exercises together with information to help guide the reader to a clearer understanding of their emotions AND how to get the upper hand with these emotions.

Click through and read more about The Road to Calm Workbook (including the testimonies and reviews left by others).

 

Sometimes You Gotta Be Your Own Hero….

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Sometimes You Gotta Be Your Own Hero!

One of my favorite sayings is, “Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.” I like it for several reasons…

  1. It’s always cool to cast yourself in the lead role.
  2. Building an attitude of, “I got this!” is one of the healthiest attitudes to create.
  3. Doing things on your own – and for yourself – builds confidence and confidence makes more things possible…. sometimes confidence makes even the impossible possible.

Is it glorious when others do things for you? Sure. Does it feel good when someone cuts your workload in the office or list of chores at home in half by stepping up? You bet! Does it make you warm inside when someone says the right things about the supper you fixed, the veggies you grew, or the way you look in red? Definitely! However, one of the best lessons you can learn in life is this – you CANNOT control other people. You can’t make them want to help and you can’t program them to do what you want when you want it. You might, somehow, be able to make them say something, buy you can’t make them mean it. They either dig the way you look in red or they don’t.

Crazy thing about people, when all’s said and done, they tend to gravitate toward what they want to do and what they want to sy, when they want to do it… when they want to say it. What matters to them… well… matter to them.  What matters to you…. well… matters to you.

The two don’t always cross paths.

Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.

Period.

Sometimes if you want your oil changed, you have to roll up your sleeves and do the job. Sometimes if you want the spreadsheet completed, you have to grab a cup of coffee and get after it. Sometimes if you think the cucumbers you grew are far superior to the ones at Kroger, you just have to say out loud, “Wow, buddy, you grow the best cucumbers in the county… maybe the entire country.”

The problem is we tend to expect others to do or say what we want done or said. In fact, it’s actually one of the first things we have to watch out for as we grow older (though it seems that some people excel at the “Save Me!” mentality in grade school).

Doing things for yourself should give you a sense of pride – not pity. If you fall into the latter, pull up your bootstraps and have a heart to heart with yourself. Ask yourself… “Since WHEN can’t I drive myself to the store?!”  “Who says I can’t spend the day by myself without whining about being lonely?!” “When did I stop being able to put in a full day’s work without complaining to everyone in ear-shot?!”

 

If you find yourself saying, “I can’t do this…” aloud or to yourself, hold yourself accountable. If it’s a medical reason – then you’d be silly to even try. For example, if someone has a bad back, lifting things is a big NO NO. Trying to do so wouldn’t be smart or heroic.. it’d just be dumb.  I have a hiatal hernia (I hate to brag, but it is what it is) and lifting anything over 10 pounds causes me days of trouble. I’d be a dummy to sign up for that. I’ve learned to bag my groceries lighter and make multiple trips to/from my vehicle. I’ve found ways to work around it but when I say “I can’t lift that 15 pound (whatever),” I’m not looking for a hero, I’m looking for days without pain.  The same goes for anyone with medical reasons.

“Sometimes you gotta be your own hero” isn’t talking about those of us with a written excuse, it’s talking about those without any excuse. There’s a difference between, “Can I get a helping hand, please” and “Save me, for crying out loud!”

People who have the mentality of “save me”  are pretty much everywhere. They’re in the stores motoring around in motorized wheelchairs when they’re perfectly capable of walking – asking people to “step aside” or even hand them things. If they couldn’t walk, that’s one thing, but 9 times out of 10, they CAN, they’re simply too lazy. They’d rather be catered to.

You can even find even find this crowd on Twitter, of all places! How many times do you see someone end their tweet with “Please RT” (re-tweet)? While this is understandable for a tweet that’s seeking prayer or emergency assistance of some sort, it’s kind of a call for a hero otherwise.

How about creating something so fantastic people can’t help but re-tweet it? Be your own hero.

There are also the people on social media who complain about people not following them or “ignoring” them.  I always want to ask them, “Why make someone essential to you when you’re a non-essential to them?” Two choices: Walk away and never look back or get comfy with being ignored.

Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.

Period.

Blazing a Trail in the Wrong Direction

A final thought. When we do something again and again (even when we entertain a particular thought again and again), we’re blazing a trail that our actions, tendencies, and thoughts will gravitate toward.

Here’s a quick illustration. During winter, I trudge through the snow, daily, wearing my husband’s boots (quite a sight, as you’d imagine) to create a path between our back door and the bird/squirrel feeding station in the front of our home.  After a few days of walking the same path, I blaze a trail that I can easily shuffle through – back and forth taking fresh water and food to my feathered and furry friends. It’s a Snow White complex, what can I say?

After a week into winter, I don’t even think about where my feet are going, I instinctively “fall into” my set routine and follow my trail back and forth.

My winter trail hasn’t failed me yet because I know full-well where I need to go – directly from the back steps to main feeding station, then a slight turn to another. If I, for whatever reasons, were to veer off to the left, my trail would go to no man’s land and (given that I’m insanely clumsy) I would fall flat on my face.

Our daily actions, thought patterns, and tendencies blaze trails that we follow instinctively. Are yours’ leading you where you need to go or have they caused you to veer off into no man’s land and flat on your face?

Here’s a quick test:

  • Do you find yourself complaining (either internally or aloud to others) about what others don’t do for you – whether it’s drive you places, buy you things, compliment you, etc? Do you look for others to validate you or do you focus on doing your best and allowing the validation to speak for itself?
  • Do you resent having to do something in particular?
  • Do you pay undue attention to what others are doing or not doing?
  • After doing a task, do you walk away with a sense of pride or resentment?

Basically, if your path takes a route that studies others and what they do or don’t do for you instead of simply taking care of weeding your own garden, you’re in need of blazing a new trail.

Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.

Period.

~ Joi

P.S. I hate to repeat myself, and hate (even more) having to listen to myself twice (once is more than enough!) – but AGAIN this is NOT about those with medical or age-related limitations. If you have a grandfather who is 93 years old and incapable of driving himself to the store, this does not give you permission to park a motorcycle in front of his house and say, “Here you go… wear a helmet.”  Not only would you get “Jerk of the Year” dis-honors, I’ll hunt you down and kick you…. with my husband’s boots on, no less.

This is for those who CAN but WON’T.

REMINDER: I have set up a new Twitter account for Self Help Daily and would love for you to follow along: @self_helpdaily – Thank you!

The One Superpower We All Have… The Power to Choose

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Quote About Choices and Decisions
Who is your favorite superhero? Batman, Wonder Woman, Captain America, Thor, the Black Widow, Spiderman, Superman, Iron Man, Hawkgirl? With all due respect to all caped heroes and heroines, my top three are Hawkgirl, Iron Man, and Batman.  Though, after seeing the new trailer for Wonder Woman, I have a feeling my “top 3” is about to become a “top 4.”

That lasso, man.

We all love superheroes because they have this incredible amount of nobility and endless power they use for the good of mankind.

While we mere mortals may have varying degrees of nobility, we do have something in common with superheroes – we have our own superpower and can most certainly use it for good. This superpower is the power to choose.

I don’t know about you, but I often abuse my power. I am often confronted with two choices and exercise my superpower poorly by making the wrong choice.

We all struggle with the power to choose simply because we are, in fact, mere mortals.

Quote About Making Good Choices
Situation 1: We’re confronted by someone who is clearly in a bad mood. We have enough sense to SEE that but do we have enough sense to get out of the way? Not always. In fact, very often we charge right in, making a bad situation worse by responding to their harsh words with even harsher words. We take our power to choose and blow it to bits. In doing so, we take a bad situation and elevate it to a terrible situation – benefiting absolutely no one.

Situation 2: We can choose to take a walk or do a little yard-work – getting sunshine, fresh air, and exercise at one whack… or we can choose to stay inside and play a game online. How often do we make the wrong choice with this one? And let’s not even get into food choices!

Situation 3: We witness negativity and ugliness on social media. We can choose to rise above it and try to set an example for the immature mortals around us… OR we can get right down on their level and go toe to toe with them. When we make this poor choice, don’t we just increase the number of jackasses? 

The examples go on and on, but you get the idea. We have endless opportunities daily to exercise our superpower. The opportunities are so great that I’d never want to even attempt to count them. Our day is filled with moments and our moments are ripe with opportunities.

Life is the Sum of All Of Your Choices

How do we make better choices?

  1. The first step to making better choices is simply to acknowledge you are, in fact, making a choice. Take the first and last situations above, for example. If we were to train ourselves to be more mindful, we could train ourselves to pause before reacting to others. In that moment of pausing, we could then ask ourselves, “Is this the person I want to be? Do I want to mirror their behavior or aim higher than that?”
  2. The second step is to breath in, breath out and choose well. Ask yourself, which choice is “worthy of me?”  and which choice will “be best for me and others involved?” When it comes to most choices, the decision has to be made within seconds. You don’t always have time to sit down and write out a “Pros and Cons” outline (though I gotta admit, I love those). You have to recognize that you have a choice, then you have to make the one that is worthy of you, best for you, and best for everyone involved. Not the choice that feels good in the moment – but the one that’ll feel good after the moment has passed – because the rest of your life is a heck of a lot longer than that one moment.

If we were to acknowledge the power given to us each time we have a choice, perhaps we’d make smarter choices. Smarter choices = better life.

Wonder Woman would approve.

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Make Choices that are Worthy of Who You Are
 

 

Trying to Wear too Many Hats Doesn’t Do Anything But Cause Headaches

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Quote About Trying to Do Too Many Things
 

This past week, alone, I’ve witnessed the following:

  • An e-mail from a Christian newsletter publisher talking about treating joint pain.
  • A department store with a bank, clinic, and tax prep booth – all where better shoe, books, and clothing selections once were.
  • A bar-b-que restaurant serving fried fish. BAD fried fish.
  • Another e-mail newsletter (“specializing” in health) talking about relationships.

And it’s just Wednesday!

Is it just me, or are people trying to DO too many different things and BE too many different people these days?

Fast food restaurants may be the worst. There’s even one clown who seems to think he’s Starbucks.  Stick to the fries and burgers, buddy.  Oddly enough, people seem shocked that this restaurant is falling in profits and popularity. That happens when you stop trying to “perfect” what you’re supposed to be doing.

There’s a beauty salon I drive by frequently and it seems that each time something new has joined the lineup: manicures, pedis, botox, fillers, and other things I can’t even pronounce. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least to drive by today and see, “Now doing open heart surgery! Get your nails done before you even come to!”

Even my own much, much beloved coffee shops are branching out further and further. Pastries, sandwiches, smoothies, candy, nuts, etc…

Trying to do everything doesn’t perfect anything.

Take the flip side. Think of  Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrel, NBA Players, and Waffle House.

  • Chick-Fil-A sticks with chicken. They concentrate solely on what’s on the sign out front and you will not find better chicken in any fast food restaurant.
  • Cracker Barrel doesn’t try to be anything they’re not. They serve great home-style cooking and leave the rest to… well, they leave the rest to the rest.
  • NBA and WNBA Players Defy Logic. Ever think of how incredibly difficult it would be to get a small ball into a hole that’s hanging so far away? All while there are 5 athletes, your size or bigger, giving their all to defeat your purpose?! But these men and women commit themselves to the game and they are just mind-boggling to watch. They specialize in perfecting their game and their conditioning. They do things we can’t even begin to imagine doing because they work at that one thing – basketball.
  • Waffle House? Breakfast food all day, all night. Can you imagine how ludicrous it’d be to see “Now serving lasagna” on the sign out front? A lot of the scenarios we see everyday are just as ludicrous, we’ve just gotten used to them.

Now let’s bring it home to where we live. Do we ever fall into the same traps to the ones above? Of course we do. It’s human nature, I suppose to think, “More = Better.”  Wal-Mart’s reasoning is that if they create essentially a “small city” inside each store, more people will shop there. They think, “Let’s give them a bank, a clinic, a beauty salon, a pharmacy, an Optometrist, a place to do their taxes…”

None of which, of course, makes them a better department store. Ironically, it makes them LESS valuable as a department store because all the other clicks and whistles are squeezing out the LAST things they should be squeezing out. I can remember when Wal-Mart had the cutest, most affordable shoes in town. This was about 10 years ago and their selections have gone downhill since. I guess they just don’t have room for things like that anymore.

Mark my words, Sam Walton would not be a happy man.  Can you imagine what he’d said the first time someone said, “Hey, Mr. Walton, I have a great idea. Let’s put a clinic inside each store!”

Don’t get me wrong, I applaud ambition but, like they say, “Ambition without knowledge is like a boat on dry land.”  And since NO ONE knows everything, that stands to reason that a lot of people are treading water they never should have jumped into in the first place.

What happens when an individual tries to do too many things, wear too many hats, and tries to walk on too many different paths? Well, for one thing, they look like a darn fool.

On a more serious level, though, he or she suffers in three key areas:

  1. The MORE they do and try to do, the LESS happy they will be. They find themselves so BUSY trying to do all things and be all things that they’re left with no time to simply enjoy life. Life is passing them by and they never actually even look up long enough to see it. Stress is a particularly ugly monster and he prefers people who have too many hats. They’re like some kind of signal to him – he thinks, “Easy prey!”  How can you tell if stress is sneaking up on you or already has you in his clutches? I think the easiest way is to ask yourself how your RESPOND to situations and people. Do relatively small things set you off? Do things that once wouldn’t even measure a blip on your radar now cause your heart rate to speed up, your neck muscles to tense up, and an angry disposition to show up. Sure signs of stress…. and since stress leads NOWHERE good, deal with it today.
  2. The GO! GO! GO! mentality creates physical problems that can be deadly. Heart disease, hypertension, and even gastrointestinal problems can, and are, directly linked to this type of hyper lifestyle and mindset.  Have you ever seem someone in the throes of thinking they had to do a million and one different things? I swear, sometimes they even forget to breath.
  3. Relationships Suffer. While this is the last one in the list, it certainly is not the least. Moms and dads who think they HAVE to work extra long hours at the expense of actually spending time with their children are making one of the biggest mistakes known to man or womankind. It’s also one of the mistakes they’ll, one day, regret the most.  The same can be said for husbands and wives who become so wrapped up in “making money,” “having more,” and “getting caught up…” when every topic of conversation revolves around these subjects, the stage is set for misery.

Life isn’t something we’re going to be able to get out and enjoy for hundreds of years, you know. If you’ve become so busy that work or money are all you ever think or talk about and you’re forever looking for your next hat – do yourself (and everyone in your life) a favor…

  • slow down
  • breath
  • live in the moment
  • enjoy life

Your level of happiness will rise with each hat you cast aside.  Life is to be enjoyed, not rushed through.

~ Joi