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Improving Your Self Confidence: It All Starts in the Mind

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Quote About Self Confidence

Grenville Kleiser on Self Confidence

I often hear from the wonderful readers of Self Help Daily and their words direct me in the direction I need to take the self help blog. The three most frequent subjects are almost always family relationships, empty nest syndrome, and self confidence.

We had a series of “Building a Happier Family” articles a while back (with more coming) and I’ve written quite a bit about Overcoming Empty Nest Syndrome as well.

However, I’ve been a little neglectful when it comes to writing about self confidence. I apologize for that and will try to right my wrong by serving up a series of articles, quotes, and posts geared toward helping you improve your self confidence and get your swagger on!

How to Develop Self Confidence

One of my favorite authors of all-time is Grenville Kleiser. His books, published in the early 1900’s, are filled with more wisdom than you’ll find in a lot of modern books. I also enjoy his writing style. He’s one of those authors with what I call the “gift” – the ability to make the reader feel as though the author is right there with them. Reading Kleiser feels more like a visit with a wise old uncle than actual book reading.

“How to Develop Self Confidence,” Copyright 1910, is one of his greatest works . It’s amazing how applicable Mr. Kleiser’s writings are to our present time – in spite of having been written so long ago.

In this world of self help and self improvement, we run across “buzz words” or “keywords” such as ability, action, passion, determination, and talent on a regular basis. But, the one thing they each rise on or collapse under is Self Confidence.

As defined by Dictionary.com Self Confidence is

1. realistic confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, power, etc.

2. excessive or inflated confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, etc.

Self Confidence, as defined by me, however, is what we think ourselves capable of.

Here’s an example: I think I could design and publish a blog about Basset Hounds and, within a year, have it ranked among the top 10 Basset Hound blogs. My confidence is healthy or high. Why? I know all about blogs (I’ve been doing this for so long I should) and I know all about Basset Hounds – a favorite breed. Although I no longer have a Basset Hound, I know and love this beautiful breed as well as I do cats (which is saying something!).

My level of knowledge would be a 10 out of 10 and my passion for the subject would even surpass that. As a result, my confidence is through the roof.

However, if someone asked me to create a blog about fishing and have it ranked even within the top 25 within a year, I’d probably go hide in a closet. The extent of my “fishing” knowledge is that the sport takes place in water.

That’s it.

With zero knowledge about my subject, my confidence in myself in such an endeavor would be lower than low.

Many times our confidence rises and falls with our preparation. I’d be prepared to photograph and write about Basset Hounds all day long.  Fishing…. not so much.

If I HAD to create a fishing blog, I would have two choices:

  1. Approach it with a half-hearted attitude and try to fake my way through it.
  2. Determine to read everything I could get my hands on about fishing, get my fishing license, grab my camera, and have my husband take me out and show me how it’s done!

Number 1 wouldn’t end very well… certainly not within the top 25.  The second one, however, would really give me a fighting chance. It’s that type of attitude that leads to confidence – which in turn leads to success.

And, often, a lot of fun.

“The development of self-confidence begins properly with intelligent self-examination. The mind must be closely scrutinized, undesirable tendencies checked, faults eradicated, and correct habits of thought and conduct firmly established.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

Fear trips us up more than anything else when dealing with Self Confidence. We’re fearful that we’ll make a mistake, that we’ll make a fool of ourselves, that someone will laugh at us or (my greatest fear) that we’ll let someone down. We know, full well, that we can erase all chances of any of these happening simply by not even attempting the challenge in the first place. We pull the covers up around our ears and get all comfy in our comfort zone.

The only thing about comfort zones is that, while they’re undeniably comfortable, they encourage zero growth. Comfort zones are like overly indulgent parents – the end results are never pretty.

Comfort Zones spoil what could have been.

Fear needs to be diagnosed and faced. More times than not, fear arises from what we allow to go on in our minds. You know those quiet little conversations we have with ourselves throughout the day? The ones where we think, “I’m fat (or scrawny),” “I wish I were smarter (younger, older..),” “If only I had more money…” etc.

“The mind is permitted habitually to dwell upon thoughts of doubt, failure, and inefficiency. So great does this power become, when unchecked, that it affects to greater or less degree almost every aspect of one’s life.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

Maybe we’d be better off if we just stopped thinking so much and do what needs to be done. We have to find a way to work with our fear rather than not working because of it.

Ironically, we can actually use our fears as tools to help us. Going back to the example above, if I were timid about building a Fishing blog, I could very well write down my fears. They might read something like this:

  1. There’s too much competition.  I’d never be able to compete for top rankings in the search engines.  There are far too many other fishermen and women getting their groove on.
  2. I don’t know anything about fish OR catching them.
  3. Worms??? YUK!
  4. Where would I find the time? I have 10 blogs as it is…
  5. What if I disappointed my family by failing?

“To walk straight up to the thing feared will often strip it of its terror.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

When we write down our fears, we can then go back and stare them “eye to I” and manipulate them to work FOR us rather than AGAINST us.

We can take our “objections,” and create “objectives.”

For example, if I were worrying about time, I could write out a strict time schedule (you have no idea how that phrase just made me cringe – I’m not sure if it was the strict part or the schedule part, but I shivered). By writing the day’s available hours on paper, I could hold them accountable and find the extra time I needed.

Fears can be incredibly motivating if we allow them to be.

“The other day I saw a dog leisurely pass a cat on the street, and to all appearance there was no ill feeling on either side. The cat looked him straight in the eye as he approached, and the dog returned her confident glance and quietly passed on. Then the cat, seeing a good chance for escape, bolted across the street, but the instant the dog saw her running he turned and followed in hot haste. It was cat and dog for some yards, when suddenly the cat stopped, humped her back and looked defiantly at her adversary. He stopped, caught his breath, blinked uncertainly, turned up his nose, and walked off. As long as the cat showed fear and ran, the dog chased her; but the moment she took her stand, he respected her. When a man stands up boldly and self-confidently for his rights, fear slinks tremblingly into the shadows.” – Grenville Kleiser, How to Develop Self Confidence

Self Confidence can be built and nurtured. We can work towards the level of self confidence evident in the cat above. He has got it going on! If we work hard and believe in ourselves – the same can be said of us.

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Be Yourself: Let Them Be Them, You Be You

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Quote About Being Unique

If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.  – Johann von Goethe

True story:  When I was on the verge of high school, I was in a department store shopping with my mom and my one of my best friends, Tamra.  We were shopping for back to school clothes and Tamra and I each had a certain amount of money to spend.  I will just go ahead and admit it – I was up to my elbows in the “hot new” and “popular” clothes. Calvin Klein jeans, crazy colored tops, and.. of course… the coolest of the cool shoes.

At some point, I was mid-rant about the price of a pair of jeans when I realized I’d misplaced my buddy. While my mom scampered off to look at something else (and to probably escape my “How can I get everything I simply must have if the price tags are so unfair?? Life isn’t faaaaiiirrr….” meltdown), I went off in search of Tamra. I found her in a section of clothes I didn’t even know existed – inexpensive ones.

She said some sort of nonsense about being able to actually get MORE clothes if she bought CHEAPER clothes.

I’m sure I wondered how she and I were even friends at that point. I mean, what was with this girl?

Trying to save her from herself, I leaned in and whispered something like, “But no one’s wearing these clothes.”

My buddy supreme lit up and said, “That’s why I love them – I’ll be the only one!”

I’d LOVE to be able to say that the early teen version of me had a moment of clarity and tossed down my Calvin Klein’s and pulled out some clothes from Tamra’s goldmine but, alas, I did not. Enlightenment was a word I could probably barely spell, let alone claim ownership of.

We were going to be entering high school for the first time, I was not going to do it in clothes that weren’t all the rage! I would not walk through those doors without the most expensive jeans in the store on my behind!

After about two hours (feeling sorry for my mom yet?), we left the store.  Tamra had more bags than me… more clothes than me.. and even had money left.

I thought possibly she was an alien. I walked out with my bag… yes, BAG.. felling like I had just won the shopping game.

Funny thing, though, my mom went on and on about Tamra’s approach. Praised her as we walked to the car… praised her as we ate the lunch she treated us to… at one point, it hit me that all this “praise” was as much for my benefit as it was her’s.   She kept looking at me as she said words like smart and thrifty.. and something about stretching money.  I’m pretty sure the whole lunch thing was so I could hear about “making the most of your money” and “making it last.” How “clothes were clothes” blah blah blah.

Great. So now I had two aliens.

Oddly enough, over the years I came to realize that… of course… I was the one who “didn’t get it.”  I was too preoccupied with wearing what the other kids were wearing to realize that the greatest thing in life is to make your own way, be yourself, and not worry about who anyone else thinks you should be.

Or what they think you should wear.

The whole enlightenment thing didn’t hit me until I was in my Senior year of High School.

My poor mom.

It finally became clear to me that the coolest thing in the world was to stand out from everyone else… not blend in.

Whether it’s what you wear, how you do your hair, how you walk, how you talk, or any dang thing that makes you you…  don’t let anyone try to re-make you or re-do you. I don’t care whether they think their intentions are great or not.  They don’t have the right. It’s YOUR life.

They have their own.

Truth is, if anyone tries to make you into something or someone you’re not, they’re actually the one with the problem, not you.  If they were completely comfortable in their own skin and at peace with life, they’d have better things to do than worry about your hair. Or clothes. Or anything.

Personally, I cannot imagine taking issue with something personal about another individual. If they’re mistreating someone or putting someone else at risk… sure, I’d have to say something. But if they want to braid garlic cloves into their hair and dress in sackcloth, I’m not going to let it rock my boat. I won’t sit downwind from them, but I’ll let them stink if they want to.

It’s their right.

There’s an old Polish proverb my husband loves, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”  Pretty much I think you could also say it this way: “That’s none of my dang business, so I’m going to just do me!”

Be you…. let them be them.

Life’s better that way.

~ Joi

I am who I am your approval is not needed

 

It Ain’t What They Call You…

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Confidence
Buy This at Allposters.com

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

The inspirational story by Walt Disney reminded me of a great poster I saw once. I searched for the miniature super hero and – ta da! – found him.  Sometimes we have people in our lives who tell us we can’t do something or, worse, they’ll make fun of us for something we ARE doing.   Fortunately, I’ve ran into that only a few times in my life. Being an only child usually involves people telling you that you surpass all of the wonders of the world and that you could move mountains if you so desired.

Oh, and that you’re just the cutest thing….

However, like everyone, I’ve had opportunities to doubt myself – usually because of what someone has said.  The first time I encountered this sort of thing, I was floored.  I nearly gave up everything I was attempting to do at the time.  Fortunately, after I cooled down, I realized that (like the little boy above) what I know I can do is what counts…. not what doubters think I can’t do.

Believe in yourself enough for you and 10 other people.  Sometimes we’re all we have! The next time someone tells you that you can’t do something or infers that you’re a fool to even try, remind yourself that it ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Then look them in the eye and tell them, “You know, you’re not just wrong. You’re damn wrong. I can do anything I put my mind to. Grab a seat and watch.”

Confidence? Yeah, it’s like that.

Be Who You Are, Say What You Feel

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A Peacock Spreads its Feathers at the Alipore Zoo
Peacock
Buy This at Allposters.com

Have you ever stopped to think about the peacock? He doesn’t look like other birds. He doesn’t act like other birds.  He doesn’t put on a facade or try to hide who he is, though. In fact, he downright celebrates it. Each day is a holiday for a peacock because he wakes up as himself.   His self confidence, pride, and even arrogance make him one of of the most beautiful things on earth.  He doesn’t just accept his originality. He doesn’t just embrace his originality.  He struts his originality. Man, I love that.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”– Dr. Seuss

Last night my husband and I were talking a little bit about our daughters. We were, to be quite honest, counting our blessings that the biggest dramas we’ve ever had to worry about with our girls are things like too much self-tanning, not eating enough vegetables, creative use of makeup, and the fact that one of them drives like her mother (okay, admittedly, that’s a pretty big drama). We’ve never had any “huge” worries or problems (drinking, drugs, or even cigarettes) and, believe me, we thank God every morning, noon, and night. We could not have asked for better daughters and our pride in them could light up an entire continent.

After my husband fell asleep, I stayed awake for about 20 minutes – just thinking , while petting Alexa (our diva cat). One of the things I’m most proud of when it comes to my girls is the fact that they are who they are and they say what they think – NO APOLOGIES. Each one is at the steering wheel of her own life and Heaven help the fool that tries to take the wheel out of their hands.

I’ve seen that attempt made and it’s never pretty. There have been casualties and I’m sure there’ll be more.  They learned at an early point in life that if someone can’t accept you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time. As Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Our middle daughter, Brittany, went through a phase where she wore black – as in only black.  Here she was one of the most colorful little girls you’d ever want to be around (colorful personality, colorful sense of humor) and she wore one color. Black. As her mother, I was proud that she wore what she wanted to wear in spite of the ribbing she got from some people.  Deep down I had a lot of respect for this child who decided what she wanted to wear and refused to be swayed.  When shopping for my beautiful girls, at that time, I’d buy yellows, oranges, and reds for Stephany, blues, whites, and more blues for Emily and for Brittany? Black.  I never tried to talk her down off of her black cliff, I simply bought her the cutest black clothes I could find.

I knew it’d pass, but I wanted her to know that I loved her and accepted her for who she was and, what’s more, I respected her choices. Having said that, I did a little happy dance the first day she ran (she never walked, she always ran) through the house wearing an orange t-shirt she’d dug out of the back of her closet.  Emily and I did a double-take at the orange streak. The black phase was officially over.

Developing a strong will in young people may seem counterproductive.  When they’re small, parents want them to “DO AS I SAY” right now and every single time after that. Many parents seem to think the goal is to BREAK their will.  Big, dumb, colossal, stupid mistake.  You want your kids to grow up with a backbone – you want them to have a strong enough will to say NO when the time arises.  When others around them pick up the wrong kind of drink, you want your sons and daughters to pick up the right kind of  drink.

When others around them do drugs, you want your child to head for the door.

In the end, when others tell them, “You’re different.” – You want your little girl or little boy to say, “Damn right I’m different!”

You know me and my obsession with inspirational quotes, right?  It won’t come as a surprise that, when our daughters were little, I had them memorize a lot of great quotes in home school. One of the first ones they ever learned was one of my absolute favorites: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  Dr. Seuss said these magical words and I never leave home without them.

Be who you are!  Socrates said, “To find yourself, think for yourself.”  More magical words!  Don’t let anyone else think for you. Don’t let them dress you, do your hair, choose your major, pick your job, plan your time, or put words into your mouth.  If you think you have to be someone you’re not to “hold on” to someone, ask yourself if they’re even worth hanging on to.  You don’t want to go through life with a facade on any more than you’d want to go through life with a mask on.

Be you. Stay You. If anyone ever tries to get you to budge, look at them like they have two heads and.. well, quite frankly, neither one does a thing for you.

100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence

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The book lover in me delighted in the fact that I was sent a copy of 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Believe In Yourself and Others Will Too to review on the self help blog. My inner self help diva rejoiced because it was about a favorite subject: Self Confidence.

We’ll only go as far as our self confidence will carry us – for better or worse.

Some people have an edge when it comes to self confidence. The people in their life (parents, spouse, children, etc) build them up to the point that they feel they can do anything. My parents always instilled this can-do attitude in me as a child. So much so that, right before a game, when my softball coach asked our team who could pitch, I raised my hand even though I’d never pitched a day in my life. I took the pitcher’s position, ball in hand, and never (even slightly) doubted that I could do it. My mom sat bug-eyed in the stands and my dad looked like he wanted to cry. I’d always been a catcher! Yet, there their daughter marched, like a boss, to the mound.

I struck out the first girl.

Then the next.

Third girl? She hit it back to me and I threw her out.

I wouldn’t have remembered these details, on my own but my dad repeated the story over the years so many times that it became ingrained in my memory – and probably everyone else’s for 6 counties! Proud dad.

Some people are at a complete disadvantage when it comes to self confidence. The people in their life never seem to say anything to them or about them unless it’s negative. How pathetic is that?! My heart breaks for these people and I understand why they struggle with confidence. However, if they realize that THEY aren’t the ones with the problem, they’ll be well on their way.

Most people fall somewhere in between. They don’t have cheerleaders on the sideline, but they also don’t have people hurling insults.

Irregardless of your supporting cast, your level of self-confidence can (and should) be built up and strengthened. We’ll only go as far as we think we can! Apparently a lot of people know that because one of the subject areas I hear from my readers the most about is Self Confidence. After reading 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Believe In Yourself and Others Will Too, I’m delighted to say that I now have a wonderful book to recommend to anyone and everyone who wants to improve their self-confidence.

Book Description

When you don’’t believe in yourself, everything is more difficult. 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence will literally help you change your life by changing the way you feel about yourself. Not only will you have faith in who you really are, but the people you love and work with will believe in you as well.

100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence will show you how to:

  • Discover the essence of your personal power and belief in yourself.
  • Create the life you want with practical “feel good” behaviors.
  • Reduce your doubts, increase your self-worth and make your world a better place.
  • Improve the quality of your relationships by changing the way you think about yourself and how others think about you.
  • Become your best self by employing these easy-to-use techniques
If you struggle with self-confidence, this wonderful, inspirational, and informative book will become your new best friend. The opening chapters point out the importance of having confidence in yourself and even include 10 Instant Confidence Builders.  The book proceeds to give the reader over 100 ways to boost their self confidence. I know the title says 100 ways, but there are actually more than just 100!
From the Introduction:
A person grows whenever he or she thinks, contemplates, and dreams.  Your ideas, reflections, and even random thoughts can build your self-confidence, but you have to be aware of them to get the full benefit.
Research tells us that the human brain can think of five to nine things at the same time, so it can be a bit challenging to isolate and identify the confidence-building thoughts from those that do you no good.
Realizing that you have confidence within you, even if it has been hiding for a while, is the first step in reinforcing it.  Deciding that you want to retain and focus on your self-confidence is the next one.  By first finding it, you then have the ability to harness it.
What follows is a beautiful education in both finding and harnessing this self-confidence.

I absolutely love this book from the front cover to the back and if I could be granted a wish right now, it’d be that anyone who struggles with self-confidence at all would buy a copy of 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence: Believe In Yourself and Others Will Too right this minute. Don’t spend another day doubting yourself or your abilities. Let author Barton Goldsmith, PHD show you how to open yourself up to a whole new world.