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Protecting Children from Other Children

May 7, 2009 by Joi 4 Comments

Blowing Bubbles

I was recently horrified by something I saw on television. It made my hands clammy, my stomach sick, and broke my heart into a billion pieces. I couldn’t sleep that night because my mind wouldn’t let go of the heart-breaking tragedy and senseless suffering. It wasn’t a horror movie, an episode of Fringe (love), or even a Swine Flu story. It was beyond anything these could ever dream up.

It was the story of a young boy who killed himself. Unless you’re familiar with the story, you may initially think the young boy was in his early twenties or a teenager. Would it stop you cold in your tracks to know he was a fifth grader? Hence the clammy hands.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m greatly disturbed by anyone committing suicide – after all, the next day or even the next hour could right the ship and turn their life entirely around. The next person they spoke to could have JUST the thing they need to hear. Suicide is one of the most senseless and heartbreaking things I can imagine. Murdering yourself? I can’t even imagine the sort of extreme pain and helplessness that goes on inside of someone’s mind right before they end their own life.  But a child?  What a complete and total tragedy.

In this case, this little boy was the victim of bullies at school. According to his mother, he had complained to the school authorities but they had failed to do anything. If that’s the case, it’s something they’ll live with forever.

However, can I say something without seeming like a total jerk? If my child were being bullied at school, I wouldn’t have left it to the school authorities.  I would have gone to the parents of the bullies:  Face to face.  Never leave something entirely up to someone else, chances are they’ll fail you – don’t give them that chance.

In everyone’s defense, this is an entirely different generation that we’re dealing with here. Think back to an episode of Andy Griffith – the one where Opie is being bullied by a little chump who wants Opie’s lunch money. Andy decides to let Opie take care of it and, by the end of the show, Opie has a black eye – but he also has his lunch money.

I’m afraid that a lot of parents and school authorities seem to think they’re in Mayberry in the 1960s. Can you say, Far freaking from it?

The little boy who hung himself was being called ugly,  gay and “the Virgin” (because he was from the Virgin Islands) at school.  On his last day on earth, he didn’t want to go to school. I’m certain it was far too painful. When he came home from school, he went up to his room and hung himself with a belt in his closet. A fourth grader! A baby! And I’m getting sick again.

I wasn’t going to write about this simply because it’s such a painful and tragic subject. However, I can’t NOT write about it. Why? Because it’s such a painful and tragic subject – and one I hope to never see or read about ever again. I’m urging everyone to speak out against bullying, name calling, and intolerance. In our society, in our daily conversations, in our blogging, in our jokes, and so on.

  • How many times does the average person use derogatory, ugly names in regards to someone who looks different from them?
  • How many times does a child hear their parents criticize another person because they look different from how THEY think they should look?
  • How often does a son hear his dad make jokes about the sexual orientation of another person – treating them as though they aren’t even human?
  • How often does a daughter see hear mother use racial slurs?

Why can’t more people simply live their own life, enjoy themselves, have fun, try to help make the world a better, happier place and allow others to do the same?  WHY bully?  WHY make fun of people? WHY sneer at others?  WHY tell jokes that aren’t even remotely funny? People who have ever taken part in this sort of thing – I wish they could have watched the news story with me, because afterward I would have loved to have asked them, “Are you still laughing?’

This little boy looked different from the other kids and they pounced on him like wolves on a rabbit.  Like so many adults, they seemed to think they were the “norm,” that they were somehow superior – so they belittled, bullied, picked, and prodded an innocent child.  To death.

If you have children, grandchildren, or younger brothers and sisters, keep the lines of communication open. Explain to them the dangers (and vileness) of bullying and calling other people names. For crying out loud, be certain that you don’t do it, yourself – not even jokingly.  Trust me, it isn’t funny.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy such as this to educate people. Let’s make sure that that is exactly what happens. Personally, I think that most people (especially children) who bully are actually very unhappy. More times than not, they’re trying to fill a void in their own life. All the more reason to reach out to them.

Children should be taught that:

  • Everyone is different. It’s what makes the world a fascinating and interesting place to live.  They are JUST as different and original as anyone else they see.
  • Racism and intolerance are ugly, far uglier than the worst monster they can imagine. Hatred makes the individual who owns it ugly.  Point out to them that it’s the same as holding a red marker in your hand, without its lid.  The ink comes out and stains your hand.  If we hold hatred in our hearts and minds, ugliness and bitterness come out and stain all of us – not just our hands.
  • Illustrate your point with a box of crayons. Show the child how beautiful all of the different colors are.  Ask him or her how interested they’d be in a box where each and every crayon was the same color?!  Each pictured they colored would be entirely in that color alone.  Boring.
  • They should know that they will be punished if you ever find out they have bullied or made fun of another person. Let the child know that you have ZERO tolerance for them being cruel to another person.  Tell them that if this ever happens, they’ll find out exactly what grounded means!
  • Children should know that television is totally make believe. Reality television is kind of  blurring the lines for children, I’m afraid.  How could it not?!  It blurs the lines for some adults.  Always be extremely careful what young children watch on television and try to always watch their shows with them.   Don’t hesitate to hit pause during a show or movie to explain a situation to them.

Adults should know that:

  • Children are watching you.
  • Children are listening to you.
  • Children look up to you and imitate you, whether you realize it or not.

Hug the children in your life, take them out for a sundae, and have a really long talk with them. Chocolate therapy and hugs can make a difference…. and believe me one needs to be made.

Filed Under: Helping Children, Relationships Tagged With: bullies, childhood bullies, children bullying other children, self help advice, self help blog

Self Improvement Advice From a Rocking Chair in North Carolina

April 15, 2009 by Joi Leave a Comment

Mountains

In a recent newsletter article, author Mary Southerland told about an experience she’d had several years ago. She was living in the mountains of North Carolina (a breathtakingly beautiful part of the country). One of her passions was old-world country stores and the gorgeous handmade “treasures” that filled them.

On one occasion, she was exploring some off roads in search of just such treasure and found herself on a dirt road.

She saw a bearded man sitting on the porch in a rocker with a pile of wooden logs by his side. By the porch railing she noticed a large collection of beautifully carved wooden dogs. The mountain artisan asked her to join him and to feel free to ask any questions.

As she tells it, she had only one, “How in the world do you carve these beautiful dogs out of those ordinary pieces of wood?”

His priceless response? “Well, Missy, it’s pretty simple. I just take me a piece of wood and cut away everything that doesn’t look like a dog.”

Hmph.  So I’ve been searching and pondering and pondering and searching for years to put my finger on the secret to self improvement and a man in the mountains of North Carolina knew the secret the entire time?

I can see it now. He’d be sitting across from me at my dining room table. I’d pour him a cup of coffee and give him a slice of Coconut Cake. Hopefully he wouldn’t mind cats, because I’m sure Alexa would be all over him. I’d take a long drink of coffee and ask him, “So, what do you think is the secret to self improvement? Which do you think is more important, positive affirmations, visualization, or motivational speakers? What’s your favorite self help book and who’s your favorite self help author? Have you ever heard of vision boards?  How do you feel about mood journals? — What? Oh, yes sir, God did give me the gift of gab. — What’s your favorite motivational quote? How do you feel about goal setting?”

Then, as he finished his Coconut Cake, he’d wipe his mouth and say, “Well, Missy, it’s pretty simple. I just take me a piece of wood and cut away everything that doesn’t look like a dog.”

I’d look at him the way my husband often looks at me, with question marks instead of pupils.  I’d start to remind him that this was his approach to making wooden dogs… but then it’d hit me between my question marks.  It’s also the way to making the life you want to make.

What if we took a look at our life and cut away everything that didn’t help us to become and be the person we wanted to be? The bad habits, the time-wasters, the worries, etc.  You know, the junk!  What if we carved away the unproductive and left only the productive?

I think we’d be left with our own little treasure.

Filed Under: Daily Quote, Positive Thought, Self Help Tagged With: Self Help, self help advice, self help teachings, self improvement, self improvement advice

Road Rules: Be the Truck Not the Squirrel by Andrew J. Sherman

January 24, 2009 by Joi 14 Comments

Earlier this month, my husband’s car hit an oily patch in the road, so it decided to dive into a deep ditch.  Car, totaled.  Husband, sore. Wife, completely shaken.

I didn’t think January 2009 and I were going to get along.  However, things have picked up considerably.

The inauguration has left me, and the country I love so much, hopeful and proud.  It seems to me that everyone’s walking a little taller and daring to hope with a few less reservations.  Irregardless of which party you’re aligned with or which wonderful man you voted for, that’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve also seen what proved to be one of my favorite movies ever (Gran Torino).  Given the fact that Clint Eastwood is one of my three favorite actors, ever, I’m especially thrilled.

Recently, the positive vibe continued in a very big, literary way, when I had the pleasure of reading a fantastic book, Road Rules: Be the Truck. Not the Squirrel. Learn the 12 Essential Rules for Navigating the Road of Life by Andrew J. Sherman.  This is an intelligent, incredibly well-written, humorous, motivating, and inspiring book.  If self improvement is high on your list, this should be the next book you read.

Many times, when I’m reading a book, a particular phrase or word will keep popping into my mind.  While reading Road Rules, the words/phrases were “Brilliant!” and “Ooooh.”  Okay, so maybe Oooooh doesn’t qualify for a word or a phrase, but it certainly qualifies for this book.  I was struck, again and again, by the clever analogies author Andrew J. Sherman uses while comparing living to driving.

Trying to pick a favorite section of the book would be like trying to pick a favorite aspect of eating chocolate, but I do want to share one of the favorites.  In Chapter 3, Happiness is a Clear Windshield,  the author points out ways we become complacent – behind the wheel as well as in life.  He points out how this impedes our vision.  After giving maddening examples of how drivers allow their vision to be hindered (by not taking 10 extra minutes to clean their windshield, for example), he brings the subject, beautifully, into real life terms:

If you need to refill your metaphorical windshield wiper fluid, replace worn down wiper blades, or get your defogger to work properly, then be proactive and make it happen.  If you have the power to remove impediments to your vision, do so without delay.  Never, ever be complacent or reactive in accepting a clouded outlook when you have the ability to enjoy clear sight….

Our ability to thrive, perform, succeed and enjoy life relies on our ability to see things clearly, to make the right decisions and to have all of the information and perspectives available to make these decisions.  If we have the power to remove the impediments to our vision, we should do so with gumption and without delay.

About the Author

Andrew J. Sherman is a world recognized public speaker and author. He has been an adjunct professor at the University of Maryland’s Smith School of Business for over 20 years. He has been quoted as a thought leader in countless publications, including the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, and the Washington Post. He has appeared on numerous television shows such as CNN an CNBC as well as many radio shows.

Andrew J. Sherman has authored 17 books on business strategy, business growth, and strategic planning. His fans (and I’m a card waving member) are hoping to see a Road Rules for Business in the near future.

Oh, yeah, did I mention that in 2002, Fortune Magazine named Andrew J. Sherman as one of the Top Ten Minds in the nation? More Books by Andrew J. Sherman

The following is from Road Rules, by Andrew Sherman (published by Elevate). †Copyright 2008 by Andrew J. Sherman.  †Reprinted with permission of the author.

PREFACE

For most of us, our daily commute or a drive to the mall is not a particularly enlightening experience. We are more likely to suffer from boredom, road rage, frustration, or even a fender bender than we are to embrace life’s most meaningful lessons. But what if I told you that virtually everything you needed to know about navigating the road of life could be learned during a routine errand run, behind the comfort of your steering wheel?
So many of our core life lessons are reinforced by the simple act of driving a vehicle:

  • when to speed up and when to slow down
  • when to yield and when to come to a complete stop
  • when to add gas and when to add oil
  • when to allow another to pass you by and when to make your move
  • when to proceed with caution because children are playing or there is construction ahead
  • when to give your keys to a friend to avoid driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol
  • when and how to communicate when it is not clear who has the right of way

The lessons that we learn on the road that get us to our destination are in fact the same lessons that we need to understand to achieve our goals in life. The rules that we must follow to maintain our driver’s licenses—our privilege of sharing the road with others—are the same rules we need to embrace to lead an enlightened and productive life.
Road Rules was written to provide insights into the process of transforming what we know to be the best practices and habits of safe and purposeful driving into living a meaningful and goal-driven life. A life that is devoted to helping others, helping ourselves, and achieving financial and wealth goals.
It is my hope that this collection of insights and stories will help you navigate through life’s challenges, roadblocks, twists and turns, steep declines, and upward opportunities. My goal is to help you look at things just a bit differently and to solve problems just a bit more creatively.

Sometimes adjusting the compass dial only a few degrees in one direction or another can put you on a much more efficient path and be the key to survival and prosperity.
Think back to your first driving lesson. You take your place behind the wheel, learning the critical difference of when to accelerate and when to brake. You learn how to drive on a straight and focused path and the importance of taking into account the actions of others around you. The excitement of hearing the engine for the first time when you start the car is offset only by the nervousness of wanting to avoid hitting something or someone, which will surely cause damage.

So many aspects of the basic steps in driving a vehicle also parallel many of life’s more critical lessons—which are all wrapped up in an activity that most of us take for granted and without giving it a second thought. We seem to have lost sight of our ability to find joy and excitement from the simple act of driving. You are traveling just inches above the road at 65 mph on an open stretch of road on a beautiful day! Let’s learn to reconnect with the happiness to be found in the simple things in life that make our quest for the more complex easier to handle.

From ROAD RULES by Andrew J. Sherman (published by Elevate). †Copyright 2008 by Andrew J. Sherman. †Reprinted with permission of the author.

Buy this extremely important, profound, humorous, and wonderful book on Amazon: Road Rules: Be the Truck. Not the Squirrel. Learn the 12 Essential Rules for Navigating the Road of Life – if, that is, you want more from life.

Filed Under: Book Reviews, Books I Love, Self Help Tagged With: Andrew J Sherman, Book Reviews, Road Rules, Self Help, self help advice, self help books, self help tips, self improvement

How to Live Longer and Better (Part 2)

January 13, 2009 by Joi 3 Comments

Continued from Part 1 of How to Live Longer and Better…

Quote About Laughter

Laughter Really IS the Best Medicine

One of my favorite sayings, and one that I suppose would be my third motto (in addition to Give me coffee and Give me chocolate) is “Live, Love, and Laugh.” To me, these three words just say it all. I just don’t see any way to have one of them without the other two, and if you could – why would you want to?

Laughter is one of those things that makes you feel good from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. When you’re in the middle of a great laugh, nothing else matters in the world. That’s what makes it such a mentally healthy thing to do. It’s the best way to keep worries and anxieties at arm’s length. It’s puzzling to me, but some people just don’t seem to know how to laugh and have fun with life. They’re far too serious and far too critical. I’d get ticked at them, but I kind of feel sorry for them.

Each day, look for things to laugh about. Turn on an Andy Griffith, Sanford and Son, or I Love Lucy rerun. Pop in a Friends dvd. Look for Dane Cook or Bill Cosby on YouTube. Loosen up and Laugh! Not only will your family, friends and co-workers enjoy your company more – you’ll feel better, live longer, and be oh so much happier.

Hang Out With Your Elders

In Part 1, we talked about hanging out with young people. (I guarantee, they’ll keep you young at heart and in mind.) Now, it’s time for the flip side. We should do ourselves a world of good by enjoying the company of older people as well. They’re precious, too! They have so much wisdom and wit to share with us, if we just slow down and take the time to allow them to do so. We think we have all the answers, don’t we? Heck, we don’t even know all of the questions!

If you have older family members or friends, ask their advice and seek out their knowledge. They’ve been around longer, seen more, and experienced more. Chances are they have a lot they could teach us and would feel overjoyed to do just that.

Don’t Worry, Be Proactive

It would be easy to say, “Don’t ever worry,” but that’s pretty close to nonesense. Sometimes we’re going to worry! If it’s a really, really stormy evening and one of my daughters was due home over an hour ago but is nowhere in sight, I’m not going to be doing cartwheels in the front yard. Worry will have crept into my heart and onto my face – I don’t have any problem admitting that. The key is, when we feel a good old case of worry (or the frets) coming on – we need to take action. In the scenario above, the unhealthy thing to do would be to sit and stare at the driveway. The healthier approach would be to call the daughter in question and find out where she is and if she needs to pull over. This is also where I’d tell her that her dad could come get her (after all, he’d have his shoes on and keys in his hand at this point).

We need to address that which worries us face to face – you know, see what it has to say for itself. Many times, we’ll find that its bark is worse than its bite. Other times, we’ll find that some sort of action is called for on our end. Then we know what we have to do… act!

Drink More Water

Okay, I have a problem with this one. Water? Are you kidding me? Not when there’s Diet Dr. Pepper, tea, and (what’s that other beverage called??) coffee! My husband forwarded me an article the other day that gave a great idea, though. It said that if you didn’t care for water (guilty), you should sweeten it with Stevia, a natural sweetener, and add some frozen blueberries or raspberries. I thought that was a delicious idea and I honestly plan to try it.

Drink More Tea

Antioxidants, antioxidants, antioxidants. If you aren’t a big tea drinker, become one! Experiment with green tea, white tea, black tea, Rooibos tea. The benefits of drinking tea are simply far too reaching for me to list all in one post, so to read more, visit Tea USA. The page I’ve linked you to goes right to an article about the health benefits of tea.

 

Filed Under: Fitness, General, Health Tagged With: health, how to live longer, live longer, Self Help, self help advice, self help articles, self help tips, tips on living longer

Forget the Glass, Are the Moments of Your Day Empty or Full?!

October 16, 2008 by Joi 1 Comment

How do you spend your time?
My youngest daughter, Stephany, and I have been talking a lot lately about eating healthier. We really worked ourselves up into a frenzy over it today and have vowed to watch what we eat more carefully. Both of us have been doing a great deal of research on what foods do for (or to) us.

We’ve been focusing a lot of our wrath toward “empty calories” lately – those foods and drinks that either provide us with NO nutrients or provide us with potentially harmful fats, sodium, etc. How much smarter would it be to replace these harmful (at worst) or empty (at best) foods and drinks with foods or drinks that earn their keep and deserve our loyalty? For example, why not replace Diet Dr. Pepper (one of my guiltiest pleasures) with antioxidant-rich unsweetened tea all the time? I love tea and am even one of the rare birds that adores green tea, so there’s no reason for me to keep on chugging the good doctor, no matter how delicious I find him to be.

I was thinking earlier about how this same premise can be used in our lives – away from the table. If we take a really close look at our daily lives, we’ll find “empty” activities, habits, and thoughts. Some are fairly harmless but pointless, while others are down-right damaging.

What if these “empty” activities, habits, and thoughts were replaced with “productive” activities, habits, and thoughts? Could we handle the life improvement that would come from all of that self-improvement? I’d sure like to try!

Below are a few ideas to get your own thoughts and ideas flowing:

  • Instead of listening to entertaining, but fairly pointless, morning talk shows on your way to work – why not make a habit of listening to quality podcasts (itunes has every category you can think of) or great books on CD?  Learning something new is never, ever, ever not cool.
  • I love great tv shows as much as anyone (Heaven help the person who gets between me and The Biggest Loser), but if we put as much effort into physical activity as we did into program activity, we’d never worry about  our Levi’s being too tight ever again. I don’t like it any more than you do but it’s just common sense.
  • What if, instead of gossiping or nitpicking, we put our God-given gift of speech to better use and had quality conversations with the people in our lives?  What if we tried to accentuate the positive and build one another up?  What if we made it our goal to help as many people as we could each day?   For one thing.. It’ll all come back to you.  Karma? I’m a card-carrying member of her fan club.  She’s a faithful diva.  Never misses a beat.
  • If we get up from the internet after 2 hours, and we walk away without any benefit, inspiration, or knowledge, didn’t we just throw 2 hours out the back door?  2 hours that won’t even try to come back?
  • We should even be more aware of what we think about.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “A man is what he thinks about all day long.” (How I’m not 5’2″ of chocolate escapes me.)
  • If one has an incredibly unhealthy habit such as smoking, they need to move Heaven and earth and make it a thing of the past.  I don’t want to be a cyber nag, but I want everyone to be as healthy as possible and live a really long time.  Trade that habit in for a healthy one – and the sooner the better.  Come on, if I can step away from the diet soda, you can step away from the cigarettes.  We’ll just be grouchy together for a few weeks. Deal?
  • If you regularly spend a couple of hours in the evening reading novels and newspapers, (or watching tv or surfing the web), cut into that time and use it to clean and organize your house.  We feel better when things are tidy.  As a bonus, housecleaning is an activity and insists on burning some of our calories for us.

These are just a few ideas, I know you can think of a lot more.  Times are pretty tricky financially, and weight problems are as common as they are unhealthy.  Is it any wonder more and more people are getting so frustrated and overwhelmed?

One of the tricks, in my opinion, is to simply look at how you spend your time:

  • Passive or Productive?
  • Constructive or Destructive?
  • Helpful or Hurtful?
  • Empty or Full?

One more thought (keep in mind I’m a wife/mom above all else, so I’m biased):  Time spent with your family is never wasted.

Filed Under: Fitness, General, Health, Must Reads, Self Help, Time Management, Vintage Self Help Daily Tagged With: how you spend your time, Self Help, self help advice, self help article, self help blog, time management, wasting time

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