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Why We Should Carefully Watch Our Words

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Deliberate much before you say and do anything; for it will not be in your power to recall what is said or done. -Epictetus

 Be Careful What You SayHave you ever said something and instantly wished you could grab the words by the tail and eat them.  Or, better yet, go back in time and never let the words out in the first place?  Since we’re all human, we’ve all been there. It’s a downright sickening feeling when words come out of your mouth and you can’t do anything about it other than stand in the ruins.

Fortunately,  for me as well as those who have to listen to me, I’m one of those people who almost always lines my words up and quickly examines them before they come out of my mouth. This practice came about because of something I call “mommy speak.”  I was a “stay at home” mom to our three beautiful little girls (one of my daughters is pictured in this post). As you may know, I home-schooled each of our daughters all the way from Kindergarten to 12th grade.

That’s a lot of time spent with little people!

I quickly realized that the way I related with my girls might not be appropriate with an older crowd, so I got into the habit of examining my words before allowing them to make an appearance.

I lived in fear of telling a perfect stranger to brush her hair before someone thought she was a cave girl, or telling my husband to eat all of his vegetables if he expected any chocolate cake. While playing a board game with adults once, I was bumfuzzled when none of them knew who Snuffleupagus was.  I thought, Seriously, don’t these people watch tv? I instantly wished I’d used chocolate or an UPS truck to indicate brown – but to me, Big Bird’s buddy was synonymous with brown.

Mommy speak.

I’ve heard enough people (politicians excel at it) open their mouth, THEN examine their words.   Most people simply need to get into the practice of interrogating their words before allowing them out of the confines of their mouth.

Before inmates are released from prison, they have to face such an interrogation.  Given the fact that words can do as much damage as a convict who’s on top of his game, it’s obvious they need to face similar inspection.  A few things to ask yourself before the words come flying out:

  • Will this hurt someone’s feeling?  Some people seem to forget that people have feelings.  Just because the speaker may be hardened, doesn’t mean everyone else is.  No one deserves to have another person tear them down with words. It’s called bullying and it isn’t the least bit attractive. Even small children have feelings and unkind words can shatter them like glass.
  • Am I speaking out of anger? Speaking under the influence of anger is as dangerous as driving under the influence of alcohol.  Take deep breaths, calm down, then speak. It’s best for everyone, including yourself.
  • Are these words for ME or THEM? Most of the time, the things we say are self-serving.  A father will call his daughter’s boyfriend names to make himself feel good. He isn’t thinking of the young man, his daughter, or the rest of the family. He’s thinking of himself.  His words make everyone uneasy, but none of them truly matter. He’s only thinking of himself.
  • Will any good come from this? If nothing GOOD or positive will come from your words, why not just keep them to yourself?

It’s worth mentioning a special word to parents.  I never cease to be amazed by how much my daughters actually remember about their childhood. Sometimes one of them will be walking or having lunch, and they’ll come up with a memory from what seems like a lifetime ago!  Thanks be to God that they’re almost always positive, happy memories.  The point is, kids have excellent memories and the things you say to them (even in anger) STAY with them.  If you have children at home, make certain you’re giving them words you’ll want to revisit them time and time again.  Because they will.

Young parents go through A LOT of crazy things in life. Many times there are job changes, moves, family drama, and so on. Just remember, don’t take it out on your children. One day, they may be all you have.  Say words to them today that you’ll WANT them to repeat to you one day.  Even when disciplining them, do it with love and remain calm. As adults, they’ll respect that.

Whether it’s with children or other adults, watch your words because they’re very much like boomerangs.  They’ll come back to you and their sense of direction couldn’t be more accurate.

[notification type=”alert”] The Root of the Problem:

The reason people say things that’d be better left unsaid has more to do with their brain than their mouth or even their temper.  People who use words as bullets generally do so because their thoughts lead them to it.

No one’s good enough to suit them, no restaurant’s up to their standards, etc. If their thoughts were a tv station it’d be ONTH: Only Negative Thoughts Here!

Every word out of our mouth has a source of origin. This source is thought.

Guard your thoughts and, in turn, you’ll guard your words.[/notification]

Encouraging Others With Our Words

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Encouraging Words
Our words are more powerful than we give them credit for. Encouraging others is something we should all do more of.  The main goal, of course, is to build those we care about up – to encourage and motivate them to be their best.  After all, we love them and that’s what we want for them. However, encouraging others with our words also causes them to do more, give more, and BE more.  When those around us are absolutely glowing with the light of success, do we not benefit from the warmth?

If you’re a blogger, you know all too well what spam is. If you aren’t a blogger, let me clarify it for you – it’s like junk e-mail. The kind that wastes your time on a good day and question humanity on a bad one. Generally, I go through my blogs deleting what spam makes its vile way through spam filters with thoughts like:

  • Seriously?
  • What does that even mean?
  • Who’d want to see that?
  • What kind of animal….
  • Why would anyone want to waste someone else’s time like this?
  • Depraved cretins!
  • Fools.

And so on.  But today, while sorting through spam on my Dream Analysis site, I had other thoughts completely.  I found myself in a batch of spam comments that I call “Keester Sunshine Spam.” It’s all so complimentary and sugar-y it’s as though they’re shooting sunshine up your keester, so it’s Keester Sunshine.  Spammy comments like “You’re brilliant and I’m blown away!” and “Has someone notified the genius police yet? You’re a genius!” were deleted one by one.

About halfway through the list I thought:

  1. I need a better spam plugin on this site.
  2. Compliments, used in non-spammy hands, could be the most powerful things on earth.

I won’t bore you with the details of spam plugins or how the one on that particular website is disappointing me.  I just want to help you to see compliments and words of encouragement in the same light I saw them in about 30 minutes ago.  Even though I knew the comments were bogus little cans of spam, I couldn’t help thinking, “Wow. If these were legit words of encouragement and honest, sincere compliments, I’d spend hours a day on this site!”  I didn’t think, “If these were legit, I’d slack off.  After all, compliments would mean I’d arrived! Why go further?”

Some people seem to think that complimenting others will cause the individual to “slack off” or stop reaching.

WRONG!

Compliments cause people to reach further, do more, and see if they can’t do even better things.  The brain says, “They notice!  I’m good at what I do!  Yay, me!”  These words generate such a positive little buzz that you find yourself powered by a gas far more powerful than the one you had before.

By contrast, negative, deconstructive words or (just as bad), NO words at all bring about the complete opposite result.  The brain says, “I can’t seem to do anything right! I can’t seem to do enough for him/her.  Why even try?”

As you may have noticed, I’ve been MIA (Missing Internet Action in this instance) for nearly a week.  The hideous storms that tore through the south left us without internet service for 6 days. If I DIDN’T have over 20 sites that I publish and maintain, it would have been an inconvenience – as it was, it was horrendous.  I certainly won’t say disastrous – what happened in Alabama was disastrous. In fact, by comparison, my situation WAS just an inconvenience.

Whatever we call it, I will be busy for days catching up on e-mail, comments, updates, posts, reviews, etc.  However, after my epiphany while clearing spam, I simply had to take a break and share a few words about compliments with my Self Help friends.

I also want to say how nice it was to come to Self Help Daily today and find such nice, encouraging (and legit) comments waiting for me. They simply re-affirmed everything I’d been thinking. Each wonderful comment made me want to roll my sleeves up further and do my absolute best.

That’s the effect positive words have on a person – whether they’re children or not.  However, for children and young people, the truth seems to be especially TRUE. All caps. I’ve always felt this way. So much so that whenever anyone would (or even when they do now) tell my daughters how beautiful they are, I’d always add something to the effect of, “… and very smart!” or “… and they have great personalities, too!”  Even when I was as young as they are now, it just seemed to me that a child should hear all sorts of wonderful things about themselves.  They truly gain a sense of their identity from our words, which is why I never wanted them to ONLY identify themselves by the way they look.

In a very real sense, we all gain a sense of our identity from other people”s words – especially people who place a hefty price tag on other people’s opinions.

In our daily conversations, we’d all do well to remember that things we treat so casually (our words) are actually the most powerful tools we own.  With these tools we either build people UP or we tear them down.

It’s our choice.  Do we want strong, confident “I can do anything!” people in our home and workplace or do we want to spend our lives with defeated, beaten down “I can’t do anything right!” people?

As soon as words leave our mouth, they begin creating the world we know.

Someone once said, “People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be, not what you nag them to be.” I’m not sure who said the words or when they said them, but I do know this – they hit it right on the head.

What Your Words Reveal and How They Affect Self Growth

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What we say reveals who we are.

Cats, children, peanut butter fudge, coffee…  These are just some of the billions of things that fascinate me.  There’s something else you can add to the list.  Something I spend at least 8 hours each day surrounding myself with – sorting them out, putting them under the microscope to determine if they’re suitable for the job or not, toying with them, and so on.

Words, glorious words.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been at their mercy. The six year old that read the back of her colorful cereal box as she ate a bowl of its sweet contents can still be found reading the back of her colorful cereal box as she eats its healthy contents. The girl’s quite a bit older and a little bit taller, the cereal is (usually) healthier, but the love of reading is still very much in place.

I love the spoken word every bit as much as the written word.  As you know, I collect quotes as though my very life depends upon it.  I don’t just jot down quotes as I read, I jot down quotes from tv shows, movies, speeches, and (often) even casual conversations – I just wait until the conversation’s over!  One of my favorite quotes is actually from my daughter Emily. Years ago, she and her sisters were riding their bikes and Emily wrecked, breaking her collar bone.  About a week passed and the sleepless nights, frustrating sling, limited freedom, and pain were taking its toll.  We were talking about the whole shebang and she sighed and  said, “What doesn’t kill you makes for a great story.”  She then pointed out that one day it’d make a great story.

For some reason, for such a small girl – in so much discomfort – to put her thoughts together in such a way, and give them a positive spin, no less, made me smile.  It still does.

I don’t quite remember what I had said or done at the time, but I remember my husband once laughing and saying that he wished he could see inside my head.  Fortunately, for him (I just don’t think he’s ready for that), that’s not quite possible.  However, there IS a can’t miss way to tell a lot about what goes on inside someone else’s head:  Just listen to their words.

Mothers who are particularly close to their children can often tell what’s going on inside their child’s mind by paying close attention to their words. Many times they make what they think is a grand announcement, when we’d been expecting it for months.  They’ll look at us and say, “Well, aren’t you surprised?” while we think, “Surprised?  I’ve been reading this between your words for 5 months, what took YOU so long to figure it out?!?!”

We’re all more transparent than we’d like to believe.  We give more of ourselves away with our words than we realize.  In fact, if we truly realized the extent to which we expose our minds each time we open our mouths, we wouldn’t just think twice before speaking – we’d think over our words about 10 times apiece.

This truth can actually help us along our self help and self improvement journey. If you’re like me and like to jot everything down, grab a pen and paper.  If you’re like my husband and like to bounce everything off the insides of your head, just keep your mind handy.  Now think about the past week.  Write down (or visualize) your top 5 topics of conversation…. the things you frequently talked over with your family, friends, and co-workers.  If this top 5 is in line with what you’re trying to accomplish in life, then your head is in the game.  If the thoughts and topics of conversation are productive and constructive – you’re in it to win it!

However, if the most frequent topics of conversation are destructive, negative, or of a gossiping nature, you aren’t doing yourself or anyone else for that matter any good.  Remember, our words only show what’s going on inside of our minds.  If what’s spilling out of our mouth is negative, berating, sarcastic, or gossipy, that doesn’t say much for our think tank does it?  Where’s that stinking thinking going to get us?  Answer: Nowhere worth going.

Spend a little time thinking about… well… spend a little time thinking about what you’re thinking about. It’s coming out in your conversation. If you don’t like what you hear, tinker with your thoughts.

We can also flip this exercise around to help us understand the people around us a little better.  What are their frequent topics of conversation?  If someone you love frequently talks about wanting to lose weight – you can rest assured that it’s weighing heavily on their minds.  Be the sort of “hero” to them you’d want someone to be for you – go walking with them, encourage them, take them to healthy restaurants and share healthy food and recipes with them.

Many times when someone talks about a subject frequently, it’s a cry for help – whether they even realize it or not.

Finally, be very careful when judging someone by their words.  For example, if someone comes across as mean and hateful – many times it’s simply an indication that they are hurting inside. Different people handle pain and stress differently.  Some get sad and mope around while others verbally abuse anything and everything within earshot.  They sort of “take out” their stress on others like 6 year old kids having temper tantrums.

Whenever possible, try to get to the root of the problem and find out WHY their words are so angry. Don’t get caught up in the theatrics as much as you do the meaning behind the whole production.

Always remember to pay close attention to your words – they reveal more about you than you realize.

What we say reveals who we are.

Words Have the Power to Make Relationships or Break Relationships

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The husband and I were driving around Smithland, Kentucky a few days ago.  It’s a beautiful little river city near Paducah.  I’ll forgive you if you haven’t heard of Smithland, it puts the small in small town.

I saw a cool street sign there, however, that made me start thinking about words – not that I need much motivation to think about words.  I’m totally obsessed with them to begin with.  Love to write them, love to read them, love to just immerse myself in their company every chance I get.

The sign was on a narrow little street lined with houses (with yards filled with bikes, swing sets, etc.).  The Sign said, “DRIVE SLOW.  WE LOVE OUR KIDS!”

Effective, much.

This sign put on a Communication’s Workshop all by itself.  Copywriters, bloggers, speakers – anyone who owns a mouth with which they speak or hands with which they write could gather around the humble little sign and soak up the knowledge.

Everyone needs a WHY in life.  Telling someone DO THIS or  DON’T DO THAT without a why to support it simply isn’t as effective.  The beauty of this sign lies in the fact that it conjures up something that most signs don’t  – Emotion.  Most of us are used to the  “Slow Children Playing” signs.  We seldom even register them when we see them anymore.  (The only time I really notice them is when they remind me of what my dad said when they put this sign on our street, “Okay,but how about the fast ones? Are they fair game?”  – I miss my dad.)

When you see one of the signs in Smithland, you’re pulled into the emotion that we all have for our children.  The feeling tugs on your heart and you lay off the  gas.

Words.  Are.  Powerful.

Words have the power to heal broken hearts and make dreams come true.  They have the power to make people better about themselves.  They also have the power to break hearts and  keep dreams from coming true.  And of course they have the power to tear someone down completely and cause them to feel completely worthless.

How forcible are right words! – Job 6:25

Maybe it’s because I have such a close, loving relationship with words – but I wish that people who use words to harm, judge, belittle, tease, or shame others would take up the habit of chewing gum……  a big wad of gum, so thick that they can’t possibly even speak.

Wouldn’t the world be a more joyous, fun place in which to live?!?!

This is just one of the reasons I always strive to keep hate out of my heart and out of my mind.  When hate moves into your heart or mind, rest assured no good will ever come from it.  It’ll simply grow and grow – then come flying out of your mouth or fingertips.  Confucius said it best, “Words are the voice of the heart.”   If your words are consistently critical, condemning, and unkind – guess what emotion dominates your heart?!  It’s not just time to give your vocabulary an overhaul, it’s time to rethink your outlook on life.

I’ve often wondered if those who are hyper critical and overly judgmental are, on some level, very unhappy.  It just seems to me that if you’re a happy and content person who truly appreciates your blessings, you won’t have time to spit hatred all over the place.

If that’s the case, then I feel kind of sorry for the grumble guts.  Hopefully, before they push the entire world away from them, they’ll find happiness.  THEN, they can spread that instead of misery.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. – Josh Billings

We’d all do well to begin paying closer attention to our words – some people might just be amazed.  Begin to be freer with your compliments and more stingy with your sarcasm and insults.  If someone you love looks beautiful, tell them so.  If they cook a killer meal, commend them right before you give them a heartfelt “Thank you!”  If someone does a favor for you, let them know how much you appreciate the favor and, even more, them.

Don’t take people for granted and never assume someone knows how you feel or what you think.  They’ll only know for sure when you tell them.

“Words are the voice of the heart.” – Confucius