Self Help Daily

Inspirational and Self Help Blog with a Save the World Complex...

You are here: Home / 2012 / Archives for May 2012

Archives for May 2012

A Couple of Thoughts About Thought

by 6 Comments

Alexa looks at the world a little differently than most...

So….. Whatcha Thinking About?

The thought of bearing all the troubles of the past, the troubles of the future AND troubles that have yet to happen is a certain type of death.  Fortunately, we control our minds and, thereby our thoughts. It isn’t as though some mystical little voodoo priestess controls us from an island in the South Pacific (or anywhere else for that matter).

We can decide the thoughts we’ll entertain and we can just as easily chase away the thoughts we refuse to entertain.  Thoughts that are coated in fear and deep fried in anxiety are what that I call “poisonous thoughts.”  Life’s too short and far too beautiful to spend any time whatsoever with these types of thoughts.  It would make as much sense as filling a glass with Tide and guzzling every drop.  The hideous effect that it would have on your stomach is similar to the effect “poisonous thoughts” have on your mind.

Have you ever known anyone who spent far too much time thinking? They can’t seem to find anything constructive to do with their minds for the life of them! So they sit and dwell on things they wish were different. Usually this means sending their thoughts into other people’s lives and focusing on things they wish were different about them. Wow, how productive is that?!?!

A lot of times you can tell a family member has been doing this very thing when you walk in and instead of saying, “Hi!,” they get an accusing look on their face and demand, “So, why DO you buy only name brand food? There’s nothing in the world wrong with off brands.”

Been there. Answered with a straight face, “Because we have more money than we know what to do with.”

You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think. – Walter Anderson

Always, always, always keep a close eye on your thoughts. Whether your thoughts tend to think about problems in the past or problems you think you may one day have – keep reminding yourself to stay in the present.

Know this:  Your thoughts set the stage for the production you call life. They determine so much! For one thing, they determine how many people will want to share center stage with you and how many will exit stage right the minute you show up. Your thoughts also determine how your production (life) will play out. They can either give you an edge, or push you over one.  So the minute a poisonous thought pops up on the scene, grab a hook and pull it off the stage. The longer you let it wander around, the more likely it is to think it’s part of the cast.

Choose your thoughts carefully.  Make your thoughts the kind of thoughts that make your world brighter and happier.  What’s the use of having any other kind of thought? Think about it.

Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time.  Some people bear three – all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.  – Edward Everett Hale

More Quotes About Thought

Ginger, Dinky Dinner, Baseball, and Broken Hips

by 1 Comment

Quote About Being Positive

My mom once worked in a building with a woman she often spoke highly of. The woman’s name was Claudia – a fact that kind of amazes me.  Not the lovely name, so much, but the fact that I remember it over 30 years later. Don’t quiz me on the last name, though. I’d never get anywhere close – for all I know she didn’t even have a last name.   Claudia had one name, like Cher, and her fame amongst her co-workers rivaled the star’s fame.

My mom would say things like, “I have to get my hair done tomorrow because Claudia will be at that office luncheon and I’m not standing near her with this hair.”  Or she’d say, “An UPS man came into the building today and he just stood around talking… no doubt he was waiting for Claudia…”  For about 2 years I heard about this captivating woman before I ever met her.  Basically I imagined that she looked like  Ginger, from Gilligan Island’s fame.  If anyone ever said someone was pretty, my young mind pictured Ginger in all her shiny, wiggling glory.

When I finally met Claudia, I thought, “Ginger? No way. She looks more like a Howell… and I don’t mean Mrs. Howell.” When momma introduced us, I even glanced behind the smiling woman, assuming that Claudia had to be hidden behind her.  Just as I was wondering about my mom’s eyesight, Claudia began to cast her spell. She smiled a lot, seemed to enjoy being who she was even more than Ginger enjoyed being Ginger, and struck me as someone who was absolutely in love with life.

My mom had to take a call in her office (seriously, how did anyone ever get by before cell phones?), so I was left with Claudia in her tiny little office filled with pictures of her kids and cats for about 20 minutes. She talked about these kids and cats, school lunches, my English teacher. her boss’s wife, my mom, and Dinky’s Dinner (a restaurant up town).  She was in favor of all of these people and places.  If her words had faces, they’d all be smiling.  Later, over supper, my mom told me that she was always like that.  Always positive, happy, and glad to be alive. She was, actually, pretty sick (I don’t remember the disease any more than I do her last name), and she had (in the last year) lost her mom who she was extremely close to. Her husband had died when their children were very small. She’d never remarried and still wore her wedding ring.  And yet she smiled from the inside out.  She radiated happiness.

It left quite an impression on a young me.

Fast forward to 2012. Whoosh!  Man, oh man, I get so annoyed with negative people. I’m pretty sure my peace-loving, non-violent self tweeted something out a few days ago about wanting to “tase” surly people in the mouth. Yep, that was me.  Negative Nellies (or Petes, Carrols, Clarks, Debbies…) make me all kinds of crazy. They can just be thankful I don’t own a taser or even know where to find one.

Years ago, I watched my dad go though more surgeries and illnesses than most people even SEE in their lifetime, let alone LIVE.  During a particularly bad bout one year (he hadn’t been home from the hospital a week), he fell and broke his hip. I cried for him so much I thought my eyes would float out of my head. When I went to see him in the hospital, my eyes were still red and swollen.  My spirit was as broken as his hip.  I tried to put makeup on the swelling and a band aid across my heart before walking into his room.  He had been so proud of being home and so HAPPY to get out of the hospital, only to land (literally) right back in the hospital bed – facing surgery. I knew how crushed he had to be.

I was certain that his spirits would need lifting.

Wrong.

There the man was, lying in his hospital bed – hooked back up to IVs, reaching for his cup of ice. When he saw me, he smiled a big old smile and just kind of shook his head like, “Can you believe it..”  I said, “Look what you’ve gotten yourself into!”  He said, “I thought I’d change things up a little.”  I told him I hoped he was proud of himself and with the one hand that wasn’t hooked up, he gestured with the “little bit” sign.

The man did not complain. Ever.  He never asked, “Why me?”  He was never surly or mean and bitterness was as far removed from him as self-consciousness was from Ginger.

I thought back to Claudia, but more importantly to Daddy recently (yes, right after the tasing tweet).  I was trying to figure out why negative people and sour pusses get to me so badly.  I think I hit upon it the minute I pictured my father in a hospital gown smiling and shaking his head. How dare they?  How dare anyone waste a precious moment on earth – a precious moment of health – griping about this or that?  How dare they think they have the right to treat other’s as though they’re second class citizens?

How dare anyone be surly?  What in the world gives them the right?

You know, it just occurred to me – what my dad would say if he heard me ranting about the surly Sams and Sammanthas of the world.  He’d say, “You can’t change people. You have to just let them be how they are.  Just make sure you don’t become like them.”

But, dad, I’m trying to save the world, here!!!

He, and my mom too for that matter, were BIG on not letting other people change you.  I must have heard those words a billion times.  If I was upset because a friend had disappointed me, I knew I’d hear, “Don’t let it change you.. Be glad you aren’t like they are.”

Over the years, I took their approach a step further (the self help diva in me began to show herself I suppose).  I began to examine my own heart and mind when I’d come across an undesirable trait in someone else.  If someone’s lack of will power struck me upside the head, I’d examine my own life – asking if there were areas I grappled with will power.   A few nights ago, a surly, sour individual made the hairs on my neck stand up and I asked myself, “Do you ever act that way?”

Thank God… unlike the will power quiz… I passed this one with flying colors.  Doughnuts and chocolate may put the smack down on my will power, but I’m simply not a surly person.  Thank you, God. It’s ugly!  Seriously, negativity and surliness are horrifically ugly things. They can turn the most attractive person in the world to the homeliest in no time at all.  No one likes negative, rude, judgmental, or surly people.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is… Before complaining, sighing, or whining about something – ask yourself, “Do I really want to come across like that?”  Think of the surliest person you know – ask yourself why on earth you’d want to look like that!   If someone doesn’t speak to you when you speak to them – or they make a rude, unpleasant face when you come into the room – ask yourself this question: “Do I behave like that to anyone?”

If someone overreacts to just about everything in life, ask yourself, “Do I do that?!”

Life lessons are everywhere – they’re all around us. Sometimes they’re in abundance in the oddest places – in the people who drive us the battiest.

I learned that just last night.  I was watching – and enjoying the heck out of – a baseball game.  My St. Louis Cardinals won, so it was a great night for me.  Although my cat Alexa and I were lying in the den floor – snacking and loving life – I kept reading some negative tweeters tweeting on Twitter (say that three times fast).  They were complaining about this player, complaining about the announcers, griping about this… griping about that… It started to unnerve me and sour my wonderful evening.  I put my ipod touch away and had a much better time!

I just can’t figure out why some people think they have to complain about everything?!?! Why are there so many people who are never, never, never satisfied?  The announcers are fine – they’re great!  The players want to do better than any of us  could possibly hope for them to – it’s they’re livelihood.  Why not just watch a game and look for good things to talk (or tweet) about?  It’d make you a lot happier to look for the good than to keep searching for the bad.

Attitudes are kind of addictive – if you try your best to have a positive, upbeat, and happy attitude, before long you won’t even have to try… it’ll simply be second nature.  On the flip side (the ugly one), if you’re constantly surly, negative, and complain with every breath – it won’t be long before this attitude will define you.

The world has enough people who are modernized versions of Scrooge and humanized versions of the Grinch.  Don’t be one of them. Be the sort of person like Claudia or, even better, my dad.  The type of person people are talking about for all the right reasons long after you’re gone.

Our Thoughts Follow Us Like Shadows

by 1 Comment

Quote about Thoughts

It’s up to us to determine the sort of shadows that follow us.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. –  Buddha

Karma has a solid GPS. – Joi

Easy Ways to Overcome Loneliness

by 14 Comments

Polar Bear Rolling in Snow and Playing With Feet
Being the only one in the room (car, house, snow bank…) doesn’t mean you can’t have a party all by yourself!

I’m not entirely sure why, but loneliness… or, more to the point, the thought of anyone suffering from loneliness breaks my heart more than just about anything else. You’d think this effect was because I was familiar with loneliness, but au contraire. I honestly don’t remember experiencing the feeling! Maybe it’s because I was an only child? I remember hours and hours and hours of playing by myself in my room. Hundreds of Barbies, Barbie clothes, cars, houses, planes, etc surrounding me.  And while I always had friends, I also remember a lot of times I’d just ride my bicycle through the neighborhood (as far as my overly protective mother would allow me to go, that is) – with my German Shepherd Lucky close by.

I don’t recall it ever bothering me in the least.  In fact, when a friend would join me on the ride, I’d think, “Well, I guess I won’t be singing Delta Dawn or Brand New Key out loud any more.”  (“I gotta brand new pair of roller skates, you gotta brand new key..“)

I don’t know, maybe my early experiences (pre-marriage and pre-3 little girls!) with being alone taught me that it’s not such a horrific thing.  Maybe my childhood gave me an edge when it comes to realizing that quiet isn’t the least bit unattractive.  Maybe it’s because I always have some form of a much-loved pet nearby. Or maybe I’m simply predisposed to never feeling lonely!

And yet, in spite of it being unfamiliar territory with me, personally, my heart breaks into a billion and one pieces for those who feel lonely.   Sometimes I read e-mails from people who are asking for tips on battling loneliness and I feel my eyes filling with tears faster than a sink fills with water.  I simply don’t want anyone to have that feeling… EVER!

This post would, then, be my attempt to make this feeling go away – to free those who battle loneliness.  As with all of my efforts on my self help blog, I only hope that, somehow, something I say can be of help.

How to Overcome Loneliness

First of all, here’s a philosophy that’s always served me well: When you find yourself in an unpleasant, or even remotely unsettling, position – MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU. Sit the situation across from you and demand something from it that’s of worth to you.  Flip it! For example, sometimes my husband has a lot of yard work waiting on him when the weekend comes. Combine a very large yard with a very meticulous man (sometimes I think he counts the blades of grass) and you have a recipe for a lot of yard work.  However, Mother Nature doesn’t always appreciate the situation. Sometimes it’ll rain all weekend, leaving Mr. Meticulous indoors and the lawnmower and weed eater in the garage…. all watching the rain from a window.

Most of the time, although crest-fallen and heart-broken, Mr. Meticulous will say something like, “Well, this gives me time to catch up with…. (paperwork, reading…).” He takes a negative situation and squeezes something positive from it.

A Polar Bear (Ursus Maritimus) Rolls Through the Snow

Anyplace is a good time waiting to happen if you’re in the right frame of mind.

Become an expert at “flipping” situations in your life. If a situation seems unattractive, give it a makeover.  Turn it into something that benefits you and makes you feel like you snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.

 

How can this apply to loneliness? 

  • Use your time alone to improve in areas of your life!
  1. Is improving your physical fitness a personal goal? If you’re the only one in the house, you have a gym all to yourself! Pop in a dvd, buy an exercise book, or simply put on Motown and give the cat a show.
  2. Improve your mental fitness and memory by playing brain games. You can find a ton of them online as well as in books.
  3. Read more! All that blissful quiet time means you won’t be interrupted. Pick a favorite author and make your way through each of their books. You can even find online book review blogs and websites where you can talk to others about the books you read.  If you read Agatha Christie, cookbooks, books about birds, Max Lucado, or self help books, e-mail me! We can have some great in-depth conversations.
  4. Have you always wished your house looked like something out of a magazine? Go room by room and make it happen. Begin buying pretty little extras from throw pillows and new curtains to dish washers and dressers. Redecorate, change your colors, have a ball.
  • Have fun!
  1. Have you always wanted to try a new hair color? Who’s stopping you?
  2. Buy bird guides, a couple of bird feeders, and fall in love with bird watching. It’s one of my own greatest joys in life.
  3. Buy a treadmill or other piece of exercise equipment. Not only will you get a workout,  you’ll have a blast.
  4. Carve out an hour or so each day and watch a favorite television show. Buy the seasons on dvd, start at the first and go to the end.  I can practically recite I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith, Sanford & Son, Little House on the Prairie, and Beverly Hillbillies episodes by heart. I’m working on Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!
  5. Take up a craft-y hobby like soap-making, candle-making, and/or jewelry making. I’m actually wanting to do all three! I keep trying to narrow it down to one to start with, but I can’t decide.
  6. Find your BLISS. To me, this means finding things that make you smile, inside-out. Then fill your days and nights with them. Surround yourself with things that make you smile. You are in charge of your own happiness. No one else controls your bliss. It’s in YOUR hands. Use it wisely!

Improve Your Vocabulary

Although this would certainly be a great way to use your time alone, I’m not talking about literally improving your vocabulary.  I’m talking about changing the way you think, and talk, about your time alone. Words are incredibly powerful. The more we say something – whether it’s to ourselves, others, our pets, a plant – the more power it has. If we put a word or words on “repeat,” we give them the power to become Hulk-like in size and strength.  They can, in the end, be our undoing.

Given the fact that words have such super powers, it’s obvious how important it is to say the right words – words that’ll lift us up and put us in a better place.

  • Instead of whining about the house being too quiet, say, “How peaceful!”  Peaceful is one of the most beautiful words in the world – so is her twin, Serenity.
  • Instead of thinking of yourself as being all alone, think of it as “Me time!”  Me time rocks.
  • Instead of sighing, sing!
  • When someone calls and asks how you are, don’t you dare say “lonely!” Say you’re doing great, thank them for asking, and ask how they are. (more on this one in a minute)
  • Delete “lonely” from your vocabulary – being alone does not mean you have to be lonely.

Just promise me you’ll never say the words “I fell lonely” again. Promise? Okay, good. Thank you.

Self-Pity Caution

Self-Pity is a one way ticket to loneliness. Not only will constantly telling other people that you’re lonely cement the fact in your own mind, it’ll be prophetic. Think about it for a minute, if , when you called someone in your family and, every time you cheerfully said, “How are you doing today?!?!” they dragged on and on about how lonely they were… well… how long before you just quit asking?!  People are not drawn to moodiness or misery. It brings them down.

Literally, in fact. Research has shown that humans pick up on the vibes others send out.  Mr. Negative Pants can, literally, bring you down.  Mrs. Bitter can leave you feeling angry and unhappy. Next time you’re around someone who’s angry, notice how the muscles in your own neck tense up.

This reaction is why it’s palpable when someone who’s charged with negative energy leaves the room. It’s as though the room breaths a sigh of relief right along with you.

Whether people even realize it, they are put off by situations in which other people “bring them down.”  I’m convinced that many times (not all) the main reason a son or daughter doesn’t call/visit mom or dad more often is this: They don’t like the way they feel afterwards.  If they get an earful of how sad, lonely, and depressed their beloved parent is (especially if they get the feeling that they, inadvertently, contributed to this misery) – they’re going to feel really down when they get off the phone or leave.

When the calls and visits begin dwindling, he or she may not even realize, themselves, why.  But the bottom line is a lot simpler than most people realize: No one wants to feel down.

Be upbeat and as positive as possible when talking to others.  Obviously, if you feel sick, you HAVE to say so – just don’t go on and on about being lonely.  After all, you’ve promised not to use that word again, remember?! You’re enjoying “me time,” and basking in peacefulness and serenity, right?! You’re finding your bliss for crying out loud! This is you loving your life…..

And don’t you forget it. 😉

A Polar Bear Rolls About in a Snow Drift

By all means, use some times to be alone;
Salute thyself–see what thy soul doth wear;
Dare to look in thy chest, for ’tis thine own,
And tumble up and down what thou findest there.
– William Wordsworth

+++ The ridiculously gorgeous polar bear pictures in this post are actually ridiculously gorgeous art prints, available online. Click through the one(s) that catch your eye and check them out.  You know me, I want one of each. For each room. I’m polar bear-obsessed like that.

Dancing in the Rain: A Great Quote About Life

by 1 Comment

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain!
This life quote is one worth memorizing.  Some people think they can only be happy when the sun’s out, when the kids are behaving perfectly, when the spouse is saying all the right things, when the cat’s feeling cuddly, and when money’s in the bank. As a result (given the fact that kids will be kids, spouses aren’t perfect, cats don’t always feel as cuddly as they look, and money is completely unreasonable), these people don’t end up smiling nearly as much as they scowl.  And sigh. And complain…

Expecting things to be perfectly agreeable all the time’s like expecting the sun to shine every day of the year.

The trick is to learn to accept the bad days as well as the good – and to not only accept them, but delight in them.

I’m not perfect (far from it). If you ever saw me try to budget money (or calories), drive in the dark, or carry a tune you’d give me a hearty amen right about now.  However, this dancing in the rain thing? I own it.  I’m an expert at finding “my happy place,” so much so that most of the time people around me don’t even know when I’m burdened with something.  “Well, she’s smiling, dancing and chit-chatting – all must be perfect in her world.”

Once (about 459 years ago), when I was in my twenties – my mom asked me how I kept from allowing a certain family (health) situation to “get to” me.  I told her that it had definitely gotten to me, I just wasn’t letting my face know about it.   After all, I had three little girls – and everyone knows how perceptive these little creatures are.  So the heart was heavy but the feet did all they could to stay light.

When the world seems unreasonable and even ridiculous, do all you can to rise above it.  Think of these storms as your mortal enemies, then catch them off guard and DANCE. They certainly won’t be expecting that.

Advantage: YOU.