Relationships

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

June 21, 2021 by Joi 5 Comments

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!). It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in. After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives. Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read. I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me. My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on. That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble. When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.” They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly. I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago. Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young. It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to. He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then! When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby. She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one. When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write. I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother. Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them. My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking. I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes. He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper. I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world. The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

I’m too old
I’m too fat
I’m not smart enough
I never catch any breaks
I don’t have enough money
Nobody loves me
I’m lonely
I can’t do anything
I’m so depressed
I am so sick and tired of…
My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself. The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse. If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay. If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little: If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay. If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow. How far can you and I grow? As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.

Tips to Help Single Parents Achieve Financial Freedom

December 17, 2020 by Joi Leave a Comment

As a single parent, you are the sole breadwinner of your family. You need to provide your family with the basic needs, privileges, and even luxuries if possible. With financial responsibilities lying on your shoulders, it can be stressful. How can you get the place of financial freedom as a single parent? When you get here, you will be able to afford all the things you want and have investments that are paying back, plus your debts will be a thing of the past. Would this not make you happy? Here are a few tips that will help you get the financial freedom you need.

Set Goals

It is said that not having a plan is planning to fail. This is particularly true in finance matters. If you do not have a goal, you will end up spending money on unimportant things while the important ones get sidelined. Set both short-term and long-term goals. It is important to write down the goals for reference purposes.

Just setting goals is not enough. You need a clear plan on how to achieve each goal. Think of the steps you can take towards achieving your goals and create a clear plan on how you will do it. Remember to be realistic with your plans. You can set a high goal and you will achieve it only if you have a realistic plan.

Prioritize and Be Realistic

It is important to be real with yourself. Whether you are just from a divorce or a loved spouse that has passed on, you need to move on from how things used to be. Look at how much money you earn. What are your needs? These should be given priority. For instance, the safety of your children is very important. Buying a double front door will make your home safer and more appealing. On the other hand, a visit to the amusement park every now and then is not necessary. Prioritize needs before wants.

It is pointless to plan and hope for things you cannot afford. Be realistic with what you can afford and only buy these. With being realistic comes contentment and less stress.

Cut Unnecessary Costs

If you evaluated your life, you would find that there are so many unnecessary costs. Do you really need to leave the hallway lights on while you are in the house? This can save you a lot in energy bills. There are so many other ways you can cut costs. From changing the schools your children attend to reducing the groceries. Evaluate your life and wherever you can reduce cost, do it. This will give you more money to work on essentials and savings.

Avoid Costly Mistakes

There are many money mistakes you can make but some are costlier than others. Avoid mistakes that can kill your aim of being financially free. Things like legal issues and unwanted car or house expenses can be really costly and will only waste your money.

These roadblocks to reaching financial security are some of the things you need to avoid. Mistakes that will cost you a lot of money will derail your journey towards achieving financial freedom.

Save for Emergencies and Goals

Financial freedom is about having investments and savings. Savings help attain goals and make investments. Start saving as early as you can for your planned goals and you will surely attain financial freedom. How much should you save? The correct answer to this is “as much as you can.” Save a lot at a time and you will achieve goals faster.

Saving for emergencies is also important. You never know when a family member may fall ill and you need to be prepared. There are many other emergencies that may arise so it is best to have an emergency kitty set aside specifically for this. Define what emergencies are so you do not take out the money unnecessarily.

Another good reason to save is to help you get out of debt. To be financially free, you need to stay away from debt. By saving you can decrease your debt to zero in a short time.

With the above tips, you will soon realize your financial freedom. What will you do once you get there? Here is a useful guide on what to do after reaching financial independence. You need to be prepared for your new life. Enjoy it!

Signs of the Times or….. Just Bad Manners?

November 8, 2019 by Joi Leave a Comment

I’m a student of people and their behavior. Whether it’s a rude person I encounter online or a sweet, talkative girl in the line Starbucks (with an adorable Canadian accent I could have listened to all day), people fascinate me.

I’ve noticed a few changes lately in temperament. I realize it’s ridiculous to talk in generalities, so let me preface it by saying that these observations don’t mean that EVERYONE (thanks be to God!) is falling victim to these traits.

Just enough people to make it noticeable.

Rudeness

So many people have become so rude and inconsiderate that they’re looking and acting less and less… well… human. How about celebrities, politicians, and others on social media that spout off insensitive opinions that aren’t just ridiculous, they’re downright hurtful? They come across as though they haven’t an ounce of tact or consideration whatsoever.

It’s not just celebs, politicians, or rude people on social media, of course. There are also the rude drivers, shoppers, workers… the list goes on.

Thankfully, kind people still outnumber the jerks. A while back, I mentioned on Twitter that I had the flu and bronchitis (yes… at once.. I’m an overachiever) and I heard from many people wishing me a speedy recovery. Even closer to home, my family went out of their way to make me feel better — checking on me, waiting on me, and showing their love and concern in many ways. In spite of coming close to my germs.

Among all of the “crusty” individuals in the world today, it’s always good to see that plenty of hearts haven’t been hardened.

Selfishness

Another trait that’s becoming rampant is selfishness. Fewer people will go out of their way to help another person than ever. I’ll be the first to say that everyone should try very hard to help themselves, hence the name of my blog: Self Help Daily. But sometimes that’s just not possible. It hurts to see so many people wrapped up in their own world that they can’t even see other people’s needs.

You see it in store and restaurants all the time. A child makes noise (news flash: children do such things!!!) and grown adults within earshot act like they have been personally attacked. Heaven forbid they actually smile at the child and the adults working feverishly to quiet him or her. It’d be a much better look than scowling in their direction every ten seconds.

I also see self-absorption online on a regular basis and, again, social media is making it (in my opinion) more of an epidemic than it it an inconvenience. 20 years ago, it’d would seem so STRANGE for someone to spend upwards of 30 minutes getting “just the right picture of themselves,” then taking said picture (the best of the bunch, of course) and showing it to everyone in their family, all of their friends, and everyone in town.

We’d have thought they were nuts! But today, it’s the norm. Back then, we’d have thought, “They must think they’re pretty cute to want to show themselves off,” but today it’s “normal.”

Well…. supposedly it is.

Selfies do not make individuals selfish or self-oriented, obviously. However, they are a clear indication that our society is more ME-focused than it has ever been before.

Work-a-haulics

Due to the economy, it seems that a lot of people are working themselves into a fevered pitch. They’re trying to do half a million things at once (maybe that explains the cranks). There’s nothing wrong, of course, with pushing yourself to get the most from life. The thing is, very often when you’re pushing yourself, you’re pushing others around you who…well…don’t want to be pushed. When we overestimate all that we can conceivably do, we start handing out our “to do’s” to other people. It’s as though we take our own to do list and tear it into fourths. We know we can’t do all of it, so we hand it out to others – basically creating their to do lists for them. As though they don’t have their own lists!

When we get to that point, it’s either time to barter for favors with them, or realize that we’re spreading ourselves way too thin.

I started thinking about these Human To Do lists when I read about a woman who was furious with her husband for not doing everything she’d left on his “list.” When asked why she thought he didn’t get to them, she said he’d “probably blame it on” the fact that he had two jobs.

Probably!

It may sound like a line from Little House on the Prairie, and for that I apologize, but we should all remind ourselves of the Golden Rule. We should treat others the way we’d want to be treated. No ifs. No ands. No buts. And certainly no butts.

Is Graciousness a Dying Trait?

October 6, 2019 by Joi 1 Comment

I have always, always loved graciousness. I think it’s one of the most beautiful traits a person can have. By contrast, an ungrateful person exhibits such ugliness that it’s difficult to look at them.

When I’ve written a positive book review and the author takes the time to e-mail me or leave a comment on the blog, I mark them down as an author I will forever seek out. Graciousness is often a sign of having a great deal of class. Do I write reviews for this gratitude? Of course not. I write them in an effort to share a book, cookbook, or product that I believe will benefit others.

A few months ago, I wrote a review for a kitchen gadget on my Recipe Blog. They sent me a Starbucks gift card in a thank you card! They earned my love and lifetime devotion with that gesture. Quite frankly, I am just as touched by a “Thanks!” as anything, though. Yes, even as much as Starbucks bucks.

I started thinking more about graciousness recently while reading a “Reader’s Choice Awards” section in a paper from a nearby city. It struck me as quite an honor to have the citizens of your community award you the distinction as being the “best.” Can you imagine? How cool! If I were a business owner, and were given that highest of honors, I would be bursting with so much love and gratitude, I’d come up with a special offer or gift – you know, something to give a hug back.

I started looking at the ads throughout the magazine-style section. There were 121 of them. Each, of course, said something like THANK YOU! and THANK YOU FOR VOTING US BEST FOR 5 YEARS IN A ROW!, etc. However, I was shocked to see that only 10 even offered some sort of a coupon or discount as a gesture of their gratitude. 10 out of 121. Wow. Most seemed to just give off the vibe of, “Of course you voted us the best – we ARE the best!”

The one – literally one – that stood out in the crowd was a Children’s Boutique that offered a free gift when their ad was brought into their store. It wasn’t even a “with purchase” type of thing. The owner (a lady with an understanding of graciousness) just wanted to hug back.

I hope she doesn’t feel lonely up there at the top.

Below are some of my favorite quotes about graciousness:

“Gratitude is the memory of the heart.” – J.B. Massieu

“Silent gratitude isn’t very much use to anyone.” – G.B. Stern

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward

“Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that thankfulness is indeed a virtue.” – William J. Bennett

“Realize that when you get older, you either get senile or become gracious. There’s no in-between. You become senile when you think the world short-changed you, or everybody wakes up to screw you. You become gracious when you realize that you have something the world needs, and people are happy to see you when you come into the room.” – Carlos Santana

Fun Website for Dog Lovers

March 31, 2019 by Joi Leave a Comment

I talk a lot about animals on this self help blog. They star in my quote graphics, they’re featured on Self Help Daily’s Twitter page frequently (as well as my own personal Twitter page). There are three reasons for this…

The human on this side of the blog absolutely loves animals to distraction. I just get totally lost while looking into the face of an animal, bird, dolphin, shark, or even spider. Yes… I love spiders, too. Phenomenal little workers!
Animals are, bar none, the best therapists on the planet. I recommend rescue pets so often in my articles you’d think I WAS a rescue pet. Whether it’s loneliness, empty nest syndrome, grief, or simply a case of pursuing more happiness…. very, very, very often animals are the answer and the question is irrelevant.
The more attention we animal lovers bring to animals, the more we can help them. While they certainly have voices (my cats particularly love proving this around 3:00 am), they don’t possess the vocabulary to tell humans around the world that they deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect. They don’t have the words to say, “If you let me into your life, I’ll give you more joy than you ever thought possible!” They rely on us to get the word out!

Abraham Lincoln said it best, “I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.” Love that!

I’d love to tell you about a website for dog lovers – Diamond Pup.com. The website covers dog food, health, grooming, accessories, apparel (you won’t believe how adorable the pictures are!), breeds, behavior, training, bedding, supplements, and a lot more.

Recent articles include…

Why Do Dogs Wag Their Tails?

Tips and Tricks to Make Being Home Alone Less Stressful for Your Dog.

How Your Dog’s Behavior Can Change with Age.

Teach Your Dog to Stop Begging for Food.

What is Small Dog Syndrome and How to Deal With it.

10 Oldest Dog Breeds in the World.

Do Dogs Feel Guilt? Everything You Need to Know.

It’s just a really well-done website for dog lovers and I know you’ll enjoy it.

See Diamond Pup.com for all the dog information and adorable dog pictures you can stand! ~ Joi

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives