Self Help Daily

Inspirational and Self Help Blog with a Save the World Complex...

You are here: Home / Archives for Self Help / Relationships

Relationships

The Benefit of Pets… To Many to Even Count!

by Leave a Comment

Quote About the Benefit of Pets

Quote About the Benefit of Pets!

During the pandemic, I’ve noticed many changes in people’s lives and in the way they look at life in general. One thing seems to be a return to the love of and focus on HOME. As I often say, this is actually one of the rare beautiful things that has come out of what is overall a complete nightmare. More people have realized the importance of making their home as beautiful, comfortable, and enjoyable as possible.

Basically, everyone has refocused their attention to making home a place they want to be.

If I can make a confessions, this has always been at the core of who I am simply because I am quite the home body! It is, however, interesting to see more people searching for ways to make their home a more fun, comfortable, and happy place to be.

I’ve also noticed more people seeking out companionship – possibly more than ever before. I think there are several reasons for this:

  • During bad times, we are reminded that family (which pets most certainly are, in addition to humans!) is absolutely everything. Not possessions, not appearance, not money… they’re fine and good, of course, but the ones who make us smile and FEEL the most are the ones who breathe.
  • Some people are feeling more lonely than ever. Tragically, many people lost loved ones during the past few years, but there’s another (nearly as tragic) phenomenon… many have lost friends and relationships due to the insanely frustrating division that have occurred the past few years.
  • People are socializing less and, again, spending more time at home. The amazing (and I think wonderful) thing is, not all of them are home more often because they think it’s healthier… many are home more often because they realize it’s a happier place to be!

This is where pets can can come in like the little superheroes they are. I have had pets all of my life and cannot imagine a home without them. My only experience with “coming home’ to a place where at least one pet doesn’t meet me at the door has been hotels and, quite frankly, it’s a cold feeling when you’re accustomed to warm greetings!

While I caution that one should always be completely certain they have the time, energy, and affection for adding a furry member to their family… (more about that in a minute) I simply couldn’t recommend it more. Their love and companionship are immeasurable and the entertainment they provide is greater than any movie (even westerns!).

Before adding a cat or dog, please consider:

  • Pets are completely dependent upon you. You have to have time and patience and be willing to feed them, clean up after them, and potty train them… basically they’re babies covered in fur!
  • Realize that things like dog or cat food, litter boxes, litter, vet visits, immunizations, and toys (animals love toys as much as human kids) will require an increase to your spending. Trust me, they give back FAR more than they take.
  • Make sure you have the space required and can provide them with a safe and happy environment.
  • Make your mind up to provide for them (find a loving home) IF things don’t work out. PLEASE never turn a cat or dog loose to fend for themselves. It’s a cruel thing to do – and an animal shelter isn’t much better. IF things don’t work out for whatever reasons and you’ve given it a few weeks, find a loving home by asking around and even putting notifications on Facebook, in local veterinarian offices, etc.

More times than not (MANY more times than not), when you give a precious animal a forever home and forever family… you find yourself asking, “Okay. Who rescued who, here?!”

I hope you consider adopting a cat (or two!) or dog (or two!) from your local animal shelter. You won’t only be adding to your family with a face you’ll wonder how you ever lived without… you’ll be literally saving a life (or two!).

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Tulip and Huck

Two of my babies!

Thoughts from 1917 Time Travel to Teach us Today

by 1 Comment

Kleiser Quote

For research and quotes for this very self help blog, I often look at rare, out-of-print books in the public domain. Occasionally one will have a timelessness about it, allowing it to be given new life and a second chance to enlighten and entertain a whole new generation of readers. For book lovers, like myself, this is too exciting to even describe. Books that never die, after all, are the best kind of books and I get a natural high in allowing them to breathe again.

Nine times out of ten, however, they’re simply too out-dated in their terminology, approach, and/or overall message.  However, there’ll often be a passage (sometimes even a whole chapter!) that I’ll use on Self Help Daily.  This allows the author to sort of “Time Travel” into our modern day and find a whole new audience.

Very cool, I think.

Today’s Time-Traveler is one of my VERY favorite authors:  Grenville Kleiser.  Even before I had books as business partners, I collected them for my own personal use.  Mr. Kleiser had his own personal shelf – he still has it….great property, too – a Penthouse shelf.  Thanks to by husband’s ebay skills, I nearly have every word Grenville Kleiser ever wrote.

Also very cool.

In a book published in 1917, INSPIRATION AND IDEALS, Grenville Kleiser wrote an inspirational entry for each day of the year.  Kind of a dated blog in a book.  But he was so much better about being concise and to the point than I could ever hope to be.  I tend to ramble like an 85 year old substitute teacher with purple hair, coffee breath, and sensible shoes.

I was enjoying a reread of this book earlier, picking out quotes for the Quote Collection like they were grapes on a vine.  One of the entries was so perfectly perfect and so brilliantly brilliant that I knew what it had in mind:  It wanted to come back to life in a blog post.

So without further delay…or rambling (See?!  See?!?! Merrily rambling away!), here is the entry as it appeared in 1917.

“To be strong and true;  to be generous in praise and appreciation of others; to impute worthy motives even to enemies; to give without expectation of return; to practice humility, tolerance, and self-restraint; to make the best use of time and opportunity; to keep the mind pure and the judgment charitable; to extend intelligent sympathy to those in distress; to cultivate quietness and non-resistance; to speak little and listen much; to adhere always to a high standard of thought, purpose, and conduct; to grow in grace, goodness, and gratitude;  to seek truth and righteousness; to work, love, pray, and serve daily; to aspire greatly, labor cheerfully, and take God at His word – this is to travel Heavenward.”

Some things really are timeless.

Nine Secrets Happy People Know – Part TWO

by 3 Comments

Choose Happiness

Continued from Nine Secrets Happy People Know – Part ONE

4.  Happy People Know You Can’t Let Other People’s Lives Direct Their Own.  A director pretty much dictates how a play is going to happen.  He, or she, tells people where to stand, when to walk, how to feel, etc.  The director will tell the other people involved in the play when they’re “getting it right” as well as when they’re “getting it wrong!”

They call the shots.

An actor or member of the crew expects it and doesn’t question the director’s right to pull power trips – after all, it’s what they’re there for.  It’s all part of the system.

However, this sort of thing most definitely isn’t part of the system when you aren’t on a stage or in front of a camera.  Each individual IS their own director in their own life.  No one else gets to tell us how we should feel or how we should react.

People are happiest when they are allowed to be their own person, not who someone else expects them to be. 

Happy people, at some point in their life came to terms with who THEY are.  What’s more, they made up their mind to be that person no matter who was around and regardless of what others think.

The individual who thinks they have to be a chameleon and change how they act, talk, or even think, depending upon who they’re around, is not a happy person.  If they were happy and content, they’d wear themselves all the time and never take themselves off.

If you ever find yourself altering who you are as a person around certain people,  ask the following question, “Why am I afraid to be me around_____?”   If it’s a fear of ridicule, the next question could very well be,  “Why AM I around this person in the first place?!”

When I was in high school, I recall that it was a very “in” thing for girls to act ditzy and dumb.  I’d watch with my jaw on the ground as some of my friends would go from talking intelligently about class assignments (from Shakespeare to Spanish)  to blanking out when a boy joined the group.  Some boys would laugh and, I suppose, think the dumb act was cute?  Others would look almost frightened and take off in search of higher ground.  These boys? They were the ones who’d been worth chasing.  The ones who enjoyed the show… not so much.

When I first started going out with my husband, I was pretty nervous at first.  I liked him more than anyone I’d ever met and hoped with every ounce of my being that we’d hit it off.  I could tell he was really smart right off the bat.  I remember my mind running around in circles thinking, “If he’s smart, would he prefer an airhead or would he like the fact that, unlike the Scarecrow, I happen to have a brain?”  My mind was busy mulling over the ins and outs of that subject for the first 30 minutes of the first date.  Then, I noticed something kind of unique.  He kept asking questions – kind of like little “tests.”  Looking back, I don’t know… maybe he was testing the depths of the water.

Since I actually liked who I was and felt proud of any knowledge that I had, I went with being myself.  So when this kid with the prettiest blue eyes I’d ever seen brought up the subject of mental telepathy, I jumped right in.  When he fired random questions about random subjects, I fired the answers back – whether it was about the lead singer of Van Halen or what I’d do if I possessed telepathic powers, if I knew it…..I said it.

We’ve been happily married for well over 20 years now and one of the things that has kept the marriage the happiest is that I allow (and encourage) him to be him and he allows (and encourages) me to be me.  There’s a total and complete freedom and relaxation in knowing that you can just be you.

People who have to try to “measure up,”  “fit in,”  or “put on an act”  don’t have time to be happy – they’re too busy trying to act.  If you have anyone in your life who has this effect on you, do yourself a huge favor and set things right.  If you suspect that you AFFECT someone else in this way, do everyone a favor and set things right.

We should always accept people as they are – whether it’s yourself or someone else.

Be happy.  Be yourself.

There’s actually a flip side to this, too. Happy people ALLOW others to be who they are without trying to make them fit into a particular mold they’ve chosen.

I am, thanks be to God, a naturally happy person. I believe that, to a certain degree, I was simply born this way. My dad had happy in his dna and I inherited it from him. He loved to laugh more than anything… I love to laugh more than anything. He didn’t judge people… I don’t judge people. He looked for reasons to be happy… I look for reasons to be happy.

However, a lot of happiness has to do with a choice you make every single day. You much CHOOSE to be happy and CHOOSE not to allow anyone else to trip you up.

Here’s an example. Picture two women (both, for the most part, happy) at work one day. A co-worker does something completely illogical but our two happy women react and respond differently.

  • The first woman registers what has happened and kind of whispers in her head, “That was like something straight out of a sitcom… glad it wasn’t me!” She then goes on about her day, leaving what happened behind.
  • The second woman registers what the co-worker did and becomes irate (in spite of the fact it had nothing to do with her!). She rails to anyone within earshot about how “dumb” the co-worker is… how she would NEVER have done such a thing, etc. Her mood is completely sour for the rest of the day! She takes it to the store with her, then is cross with an employee. She takes it home with her and bites her spouse’s head off for no reason. She has take a load that wasn’t even hers to carry and burdened herself with it AND hit at least two people over the head with it.

Learning to let things go before you look like a perfect fool carrying them around hitting people is a big secret to your own happiness as well as everyone in your path’s!

Also See:
Secrets of Happy People Part 1


Nine Secrets Happy People Know – Part ONE

by 2 Comments

Quote About Happiness

You know the old joke about the weather, right?  Everyone talks about it but no one ever does anything about it.  In the area of Self Help, our “weather” is definitely happiness.  Everyone has it on their mind, and it comes up frequently in conversation.  People want to talk about it, and they most definitely want to possess it, but when it comes to doing anything about it….. they kind of fade into the background.  The reason might be that they just don’t know HOW to be happy.

I lean toward the belief that, as Abraham Lincoln said, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  That, of course, doesn’t include people who find themselves in the middle of grief, clinical depression or anxiety, or a physical or mental illness. Depression and anxiety can be serious illnesses that require a doctor’s care and no amount of positive affirmations or “How to Be Happy” articles will cure these issues any more than they would diabetes.

If only that were possible, I’d do all I could to close down hospitals everywhere!

This series of “Secrets Happy People Know” is for the rest of us.

So, Who Are These Happy People and What Can You Learn from Them?

Think about the people in your world.  Some are happier than others, right? Some are so happy, being around them is about like watching an episode of Andy Griffith.  Even when circumstances are foul, they’re generally light-spirited and smiling – maybe even joking around.  The good news is that they aren’t superhuman, so what happy people “have” is available for everyone.  Basically, there are nine secrets that happy people have stitched into the fabric of their lives, probably without even realizing that they’ve done so.  Three are below, the other six will be hot on their heels in the next article in the series.

  1. Happy people know, understand, and even embrace the fact that life isn’t perfect.  They stopped expecting their days to sail by without any turbulence long ago.  They’ve simply adapted their thinking and reactions to “ride” the waves rather than fighting against them.   By contrast, unhappy people think that every turbulence, every bump, every misstep is a catastrophic event.  It “wouldn’t” happen to other people – only to them.  They think God has allowed this injustice and they, quite frankly, resent it very much.  Even little events can snap the smile off of an unhappy person’s day – their balloon will burst just as easily over a slow internet connection as it would a flat tire.  When bad things happen (which they tend to do… it is life, after all), someone who is generally happy simply deals with it.  No panic, no melt downs, no throwing blame around or raising their voice.  Oh the drama – So exhausting!  Granted, the smile will disappear as they get down to business, but it’ll return right after they’ve put everything back together again.  Happy people know they can’t control life, but they CAN control the way they respond to life.
  2. Happy people don’t live in the past.  Some people feel unhappy simply because they won’t leave the past in the past.  Happy people know that, for better or worse, the past is gone – living there, or even visiting too frequently, is a waste of time and energy. Some things have to be LET GO.  You have to tell yourself – out loud even – “I’m letting this go before it proves to be my undoing.”  Happy people live in the present and realize that it can be a beautiful place if you accept it for what it is.
  3. Although it may seem ironic, happy people are the best fighters in the world.  If you think of the happiest person you know, the word “fighter” may not come to mind immediately.  After all, don’t we picture fighters as angry, determined, even mean?  In the boxing ring, sure – but think about outside the ring.  If someone is hit hard by one of life’s punches, and they refuse to go (or stay) down, how’d they find their feet?  They fought for them, and they fought hard. The harder the punch, the harder it is to stand back up… but it’s so worth the fight!  Unhappy people are actually weaker.  Usually they gave up long ago and got somewhat comfortable on the mat.  Sometimes their fights have been harder and sometimes life has called on them to fight more often.  It takes uncommon strength to find your legs when life has pummeled you to the ground, but find them you must. Your happiness depends on it.

What some people don’t realize is that happy people feel the same pains the rest of the world does.  If a happy person loses their dream home, for example, they most definitely register the pain.  They cry the tears.  They feel the loss.  BUT they don’t let the situation win.  They stand back up, dry their eyes, and look ahead to the great things that lie in the future.  An unhappy person would use an experience like this as a crutch – a crutch that will only lead them to one of two places:  Anger or Bitterness.  Neither place is worth visiting, let alone moving into.

If you’re generally, by nature, a “happy person,” give a big sigh of relief because you’ve learned one of the most important lessons in life.  If you’re an “unhappy person,” give a big sigh of relief because you don’t have to stay that way.

Unless, of course, you want to.

I didn’t think so! Watch for this series to continue as we uncover more secrets to happiness!


Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

by 5 Comments

Quote About Being Yourself

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!).  It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in.  After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives.  Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read.  I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me.  My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on.  That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble.  When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.”  They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly.  I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago.  Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young.  It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to.  He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then!  When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby.  She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one.  When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write.  I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother.  Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them.  My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking.  I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes.  He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper.  I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world.  The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I never catch any breaks
  • I don’t have enough money
  • Nobody loves me
  • I’m lonely
  • I can’t do anything
  • I’m so depressed
  • I am so sick and tired of…
  • My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself.  The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse.  If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay.  If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little:  If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay.  If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow.  How far can you and I grow?  As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.