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Helping Children

How Do You Know if Your Teenager Needs Counselling?

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Parenting an adolescent is perhaps one of the most challenging periods of parenthood. The story in most families is the same. Almost overnight, your sweet, compliant child turns into someone you no longer recognise. He or she suddenly becomes stubborn, rude and even aggressive. It can come as a complete shock, but it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that it’s not just challenging for you. It’s a difficult time for teenagers too.

Every generation has had its own difficulties in parenting teenagers, but evidence suggest that modern society and different parenting styles (mollycoddling or over pressurising) is causing unprecedented levels of depression, self-harm and anxiety amongst young people.

So, with communication at its worse between you and your teenager, how do you know if your child is in difficulty? And importantly, how do you know it’s time to seek professional help? We’ve put together a guide of some of the challenges facing teenagers today, the signs to look out for when things are going awry, and what to do if you think your teenager could do with some help. If communication between you has reached an all-time low, counselling could help your child to make sense of how they are feeling.

The challenges facing today’s teenagers

Teens today have a different set of issues to worry about than those of previous generations. These include:

  • Social media pressures – everything is documented online – there’s no escape
  • Cyber bullying – bullying no longer ends at the school gates – it’s 24/7
  • Educational pressures
  • Peer pressures – due to social media and constant connection with friends. But remember not all peer pressure is negative.
  • Access to inappropriate video games, films and TV shows
  • Family income – recent research suggests that family income is associated with high depressive symptoms in teenagers, with children from poor families suffering most
  • Parental micromanaging (helicopter parenting) – rigidly structured childhood environments are creating anxiety and thwarting the development of independence in teenagers

Is it just normal teenager behaviour?

It’s quite normal for communication between you and your child to change during the course of adolescence. Your once chatty child, can become more secretive and less willing to open up. It’s a normal part of the adolescent development process – they are moving through a period of change, from a child to an adult, and they naturally begin a process of separation. That doesn’t mean they don’t need you. They need you more than ever.

During this period of change it’s not uncommon for parents to worry about their teenager’s behaviour. Due to hormonal and physical bodily changes, teenagers can be moody, withdrawn or short-tempered. As part of the natural process of separation it’s not uncommon for teenagers to spend increasing amounts of time alone in their room, or out with friends, and less time with family. This is perfectly normal teenage behaviour.

Signs your teenager may need counselling

Today’s teenagers are under a lot of stress. Counselling is one solution that may help your teenager to work through their difficulties and develop the skills to find solutions and gain independence. Here are some signs that may indicate your teenager needs some extra help:

  • Not engaging in extra-curricular activities
  • Not engaging with friends
  • Chronically withdrawn
  • Persistent extreme anger and/or sadness
  • Significant decrease in performance at school
  • Strong resistance to attending school, or truanting
  • Substance abuse
  • Dangerous or thrill-seeking behaviour
  • Significant changes in sleeping, eating or energy
  • High levels of aggression and disobedience
  • Poor personal hygiene

What might teenagers need counselling for?

  • Parent separation or divorce
  • Trauma
  • Sexual identity
  • Depression, sadness, anxiety
  • School failure
  • Lack of meaningful relationships/struggles with peer relationships
  • Bullying/isolation
  • Teen pregnancy
  • Self-harming behaviour
  • Substance abuse and addiction

What to do if you feel your teenager needs counselling

It’s not going to be easy to convince your teenager that talking therapy with a complete stranger is what they need. But, being open, honest and non-judgemental with your teenager is key to facilitating a level of trust between you both. Talk to your teen about your concerns, and use specific examples to qualify your concerns. Don’t expect an immediate answer; give your teen time and space to respond. Let your teenager know there are people that can help other than you. If you are at all worried about your teenager, seek help from your family doctor.

How to nurture independence

  • Do listen to your child – give advice when you are asked
  • Do encourage your teenager to solve their own problems
  • Do let go slowly and give your teen more opportunity for responsibility
  • Do learn not to take what your teenager yells at you personally
  • Do let your teenager learn from their own mistakes – you need to help them develop a ‘decision-making muscle’
  • Do support your child’s teachers and encourage your teenager to respect the teacher’s opinions
  • Don’t manage your child’s relationships or communications
  • Don’t raise your child to expect treatment that is different or better than the treatment other children receive

 

Daddy Nickell Tips, Just in Time for Thanksgiving

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Gratitude is on everyone’s mind this time of year. Isn’t it a shame that the thoughts that are so strong and prevalent during November and December don’t stay as strong and prevalent the rest of the year?!

I have to admit, when I was younger, I never really realized just how beautiful a gracious and thankful heart is.  I remember one Tuesday morning I was having lunch (pizza!) with the pastor of our church, his adorable wife, and a few of our friends. Somehow the subject turned to being thankful and expressing gratitude. Southern preachers do many things with great passion and eating is certainly amongst them, but between bites, our pastor said, “A Gracious heart is a beautiful thing.”

I remember this so clearly because:

  1. It was BY FAR the shortest sermon he ever preached.
  2. It made me realize that, indeed, a gracious heart is a beautiful thing.

My three daughters, with their lives, preach the same sermon this wonderful man did over pizza.  My daughters are so incredibly gracious and thankful that it never ceases to leave an impression on me and I always think of the “Mini Pizza Sermon.”  Graciousness is beautiful.  They express the same gratitude whether I fix them a mug of hot chocolate as they would if I bought them a purse that costs way more than any purse has a right to cost (seriously, what’s up with purses?).

When I read the article below, the tip, “Model the behavior” jumped out at me. I believe that, over the years, my girls saw that my husband (“Daddy” to them!) and I simply don’t take anything for granted. We are always genuinely thankful for anything we have as well as for anything anyone does for us. I think that, more than anything, this helped them to become so beautifully gracious.

I notice graciousness in others and always realize that it speaks absolute volumes about an individual.

Below is a timely article that’s being shared with Self Help Daily’s readers.  It’s written by Robert Nickell (a.k.a. Daddy Nickell) and offers fantastic tips on helping your kids find ways to give thanks. More importantly, it tells how you can help your kids to be more thankful. ~  Joi

Creative Ways Your Family Can Express Thankfulness on Thanksgiving and Beyond

by Daddy Nickell

Thanksgiving is almost here, and parents everywhere are wondering how they can teach their kids how to express thankfulness on the holiday and beyond. Rather than just going around the table and saying a quick list of things they are grateful for, moms and dads want creative and unique “I’m Thankful For…” ideas that will get the kiddos in the spirit of giving thanks!

Daddy Nickell
From his experience in raising 7 children of his own, parenting expert Daddy Nickell has tried-and-true tips on ways to teach your kids how to give thanks:

Creative ways to express thankfulness on Thanksgiving:

  1. Thankfulness jar: Put out a decorative jar with a notepad and pen. Have family members write down things they are thankful for and read the notes at Thanksgiving dinner.
  2. Thankful turkeys: Do the old-fashioned hand turkey or be more elaborate, but have children write something they are thankful for on each of the turkey’s feathers. Use them as place cards or decorations.
  3. Alphabet list: Go around the table and have everyone say something they are thankful for. Be creative and use the alphabet to keep things going (each person has to say something they are thankful for that starts with the next letter in the alphabet.
  4. Dry-erase board display: Have a dry-erase board on prominent display where people can write what they are thankful for.
  5. Thankful songs: Choose a popular tune, such as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and have each child sing a song starting with the words “I am thankful for…” This will get your kids’ creativity going and is sure to bring joy and many laughs!

Ways to teach your kids how to always give thanks:

  1. Model the behavior. Say “thank you’s” yourself. Remember to thank your children when they make their beds or clean up their messes. Tell them they make you happy when they follow the rules and bring you joy when they sing and dance. Demonstrate thankfulness in your own life.
  2. Make them wait (or work) for it. When kids get everything they ask for the minute they ask for it, they don’t appreciate it. If you make them wait a couple of days or until their next birthday, they will be incredibly grateful for the gifts when they receive them. Children also appreciate things more when they have contributed work or money towards them.
  3. Work thankfulness into your daily conversation. Talk to your kids about how blessed you are to live where you do and remind them how special and important they are to you. Helping a child appreciate what they already have will help them be thankful for their life.
  4. Volunteer. Whether it’s bringing cookies to a neighbor lady, or filling food bags at a homeless shelter, your children will benefit from seeing the joy they can bring to those less fortunate than themselves.
  5. Write thank you notes. Somewhat old-fashioned and definitely on the out, thank you notes require the children to think about each person and why they appreciate them and the gift they gave. It takes time, and every kid loves receiving mail.
  6. Reward thankfulness. Recognize your child when they remember to say “thank you,” especially to a stranger. Tell them how proud or impressed you are with their behavior.

Daddy Nickell’s tips will help all parents teach their kids to be thankful on Thanksgiving and beyond! Use them to ensure that your kids make giving thanks a part of their daily life.
Author: Robert Nickell (a.k.a. Daddy Nickell), father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents. Daddy Nickell is the founder of DaddyScrubs.com, delivery room duds, gifts, and apparel for dads, and the Daddyscrubs.com blog, where he covers topics about parenting and the latest baby and kids gear, all from a Dad’s perspective.

About Daddy Nickell
For his blog, Nickell writes from a father’s perspective on topics such as bonding with your child and what the father should expect during pregnancy and infancy. Daddy Nickell also contributes his parenting expertise to national talk shows and daytime television shows. He has been featured on “Good Morning L.A.,” “Good Morning Texas,” “Daytime TV” ABC15 Phoenix, MSNBC, WZZM 13, San Antonio Living, KSBI TV, and as a syndicated columnist for national newspapers, parenting magazines and websites including Baby Couture Magazine, Oh Baby! Magazine, City Parent Magazine, The Bump, Parenthood, and Homeschooling Parent.

You can also see DaddyScrubs on YouTube, like them on Facebook, and follow them on Twitter (@DaddyScrubs) and Pinterest!

Be Who You Are, Say What You Feel

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A Peacock Spreads its Feathers at the Alipore Zoo
Peacock
Buy This at Allposters.com

Have you ever stopped to think about the peacock? He doesn’t look like other birds. He doesn’t act like other birds.  He doesn’t put on a facade or try to hide who he is, though. In fact, he downright celebrates it. Each day is a holiday for a peacock because he wakes up as himself.   His self confidence, pride, and even arrogance make him one of of the most beautiful things on earth.  He doesn’t just accept his originality. He doesn’t just embrace his originality.  He struts his originality. Man, I love that.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”– Dr. Seuss

Last night my husband and I were talking a little bit about our daughters. We were, to be quite honest, counting our blessings that the biggest dramas we’ve ever had to worry about with our girls are things like too much self-tanning, not eating enough vegetables, creative use of makeup, and the fact that one of them drives like her mother (okay, admittedly, that’s a pretty big drama). We’ve never had any “huge” worries or problems (drinking, drugs, or even cigarettes) and, believe me, we thank God every morning, noon, and night. We could not have asked for better daughters and our pride in them could light up an entire continent.

After my husband fell asleep, I stayed awake for about 20 minutes – just thinking , while petting Alexa (our diva cat). One of the things I’m most proud of when it comes to my girls is the fact that they are who they are and they say what they think – NO APOLOGIES. Each one is at the steering wheel of her own life and Heaven help the fool that tries to take the wheel out of their hands.

I’ve seen that attempt made and it’s never pretty. There have been casualties and I’m sure there’ll be more.  They learned at an early point in life that if someone can’t accept you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time. As Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Our middle daughter, Brittany, went through a phase where she wore black – as in only black.  Here she was one of the most colorful little girls you’d ever want to be around (colorful personality, colorful sense of humor) and she wore one color. Black. As her mother, I was proud that she wore what she wanted to wear in spite of the ribbing she got from some people.  Deep down I had a lot of respect for this child who decided what she wanted to wear and refused to be swayed.  When shopping for my beautiful girls, at that time, I’d buy yellows, oranges, and reds for Stephany, blues, whites, and more blues for Emily and for Brittany? Black.  I never tried to talk her down off of her black cliff, I simply bought her the cutest black clothes I could find.

I knew it’d pass, but I wanted her to know that I loved her and accepted her for who she was and, what’s more, I respected her choices. Having said that, I did a little happy dance the first day she ran (she never walked, she always ran) through the house wearing an orange t-shirt she’d dug out of the back of her closet.  Emily and I did a double-take at the orange streak. The black phase was officially over.

Developing a strong will in young people may seem counterproductive.  When they’re small, parents want them to “DO AS I SAY” right now and every single time after that. Many parents seem to think the goal is to BREAK their will.  Big, dumb, colossal, stupid mistake.  You want your kids to grow up with a backbone – you want them to have a strong enough will to say NO when the time arises.  When others around them pick up the wrong kind of drink, you want your sons and daughters to pick up the right kind of  drink.

When others around them do drugs, you want your child to head for the door.

In the end, when others tell them, “You’re different.” – You want your little girl or little boy to say, “Damn right I’m different!”

You know me and my obsession with inspirational quotes, right?  It won’t come as a surprise that, when our daughters were little, I had them memorize a lot of great quotes in home school. One of the first ones they ever learned was one of my absolute favorites: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”  Dr. Seuss said these magical words and I never leave home without them.

Be who you are!  Socrates said, “To find yourself, think for yourself.”  More magical words!  Don’t let anyone else think for you. Don’t let them dress you, do your hair, choose your major, pick your job, plan your time, or put words into your mouth.  If you think you have to be someone you’re not to “hold on” to someone, ask yourself if they’re even worth hanging on to.  You don’t want to go through life with a facade on any more than you’d want to go through life with a mask on.

Be you. Stay You. If anyone ever tries to get you to budge, look at them like they have two heads and.. well, quite frankly, neither one does a thing for you.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Quote About Doing the Right Thing

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Civil Rights Leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Making a Speech
Civil Rights Leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Making a Speech
Never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society’s punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

More Martin Luther King, Jr. Quotations

Empty Spaces

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The Tao of Motherhood
Empty Spaces

The empty spaces make
wholeness. The emptiness in a
pot makes it valuable; you can
fill it with food or water.

Pay attention to what isn’t. Listen
for what your child does not say.
Observe what she does not do.

Similarly, know that your child
uses your empty spaces. What
you do not say resounds. What
you do not do impresses.

– from The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure

The above is a beautiful excerpt from a beautiful little book, The Tao of Motherhood.   Had it not been for our week-long, greatly uninvited and grossly unappreciated internet abstinence, I would have written about this beautiful book sooner.  However, if you use the Amazon river of greatness, you can STILL have this book delivered in time for Mother’s Day.  It’s truly, truly a wonderful little book filled with beauty.

What’s amazing about the words above is this:  The reader doesn’t have to be a mother, or even a female, to benefit from the lesson taught in wording so brief.

We can all benefit from the reminder that’s at the heart of this passage.  People will learn more from what they see us do than what they hear us say.  Sometimes they will get a better indication of our character by the things we DON’T say as opposed to the things we DO say.

My mother was incredibly non-judgmental.  She didn’t look down on others, irregardless of their circumstances or abilities/inabilities.  She never copped a holier-than-thou attitude.  Ever.  The thought of her saying something derogatory or insulting about another human being is almost laughable.  Of course, there were behaviors that she didn’t condone and if she thought anyone was being cruel or mean-spirited, she’d be the first to say so.

But there’s a difference between hating what people do and hating people, isn’t there?  There’s a clear line and she never crossed it.

More importantly, she didn’t have a racist or bigoted bone in her body. She didn’t see color when she looked at people, she didn’t see ethnicity.  She saw people – made by God, loved by God. In fact, one of the things I hate most in this world is racism, which is something I strongly shared with my mother.

As a result of the things my mother didn’t say and the hatred she didn’t possess, she raised a daughter who is filled far more with love than with hate.

The “emptiness” of hate and the nonjudgmental attitudes continued to my own three daughters.  Because they didn’t hear their mother judging others or being unkind and cruel, they have never taken part in the ugliness themselves.  It wasn’t something I sat them down one day and drilled into their heads, “You must not make fun of others or look down on them.  Even more importantly, you must not ever be bigoted! ”  When you “leave out” certain things in your life, others will notice – whether they’re children or adults.

As Vimala McClure said, “Empty spaces make wholeness.”