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You are here: Home / Archives for self worth

self worth

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

June 21, 2021 by Joi 5 Comments

Quote About Being Yourself

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!).  It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in.  After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives.  Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read.  I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me.  My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on.  That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble.  When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.”  They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly.  I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago.  Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young.  It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to.  He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then!  When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby.  She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one.  When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write.  I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother.  Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them.  My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking.  I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes.  He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper.  I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world.  The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I never catch any breaks
  • I don’t have enough money
  • Nobody loves me
  • I’m lonely
  • I can’t do anything
  • I’m so depressed
  • I am so sick and tired of…
  • My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself.  The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse.  If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay.  If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little:  If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay.  If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow.  How far can you and I grow?  As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.


Filed Under: Books I Love, General, Helping Children, Relationships, Self Help Tagged With: affirmations, getting along with co-workers, motivational writing, negative feedback, parenting, positive affirmations, positive feedback, Relationships, self growth, Self Help, self help article, self help blog, self worth

Do You Live Up to Your Highest Opinion of Yourself?

April 7, 2009 by Joi 2 Comments

This past weekend was gorgeous here in Kentucky. I think we were all convinced we’d seen the last of old man winter until he came blowing back into this part of the country again Monday. Apparently he hadn’t gotten it out of his system yet.

Anyway, Saturday and Sunday were beautiful. We actually got to work in the yard again – we’d almost forgotten what that felt like.

I was raking leaves away from one of our fences when I uncovered a black snake with yellow stripes. Fortunately, he wasn’t very big. Otherwise, I’m certain I would have died on the spot, out of sheer fear. When he first saw the rake, he lunged at it with all the arrogance he could summon. Did you see the movie, Beowulf – where the lead character boldly says, “I. Am. Beowulf.” – As in don’t mess with me, I’ll have to kill you without even working up a sweat. Bo

That’s the approach this little guy took. “I. Am. Snake.” However, when he saw the size of the rake, and that it had a human (albeit stunned human) attached to it, he switched gears. All of a sudden it was, “You. Are. Bigger.” Then the poor little guy kind of coiled up, afraid. At first I tried to let him crawl onto the rake, so I could airlift him onto the other side of the fence (putting us both the heck out of the other’s world).

He wanted no part of that, so I quietly backed away and let him find his way through the fence. I name everything, whether they’re daughters, cats, possums, raccoons, fairy figurines, stuffed animals, etc., so I had to give this guy a name. Bumblebee slithered away as I told him, “Don’t come back when you can stay longer.”

Then I took my rake to my husband and informed him that he’d just lost a helper. Sure, Bumblebee wasn’t very big or intimidating. But my thinking was that he could have a mom, dad, or big brother nearby and the thought of all three ganging up on me at once led to a quick retreat.

This colorful snake (I have to admit, he was pretty) wasn’t any different from most of us. His highest opinion of himself was that he was a very, very bad boy. Intimidating! To be feared by all! Makes women run off screaming! Oh yeah, he’d read the press releases.

Problem was, when it came to living up to this highest opinion, he looked at what he perceived to be overwhelming odds and ferocious competition. Little did he know that if he’d held his ground and maintained that initial “I. Am. Snake.” attitude, I’d have made a hasty and loud retreat.

My unreasonable mind would have thought, “Well, he’s small but he’s wildly mad, and I’m much more afraid of him than he is of me. He must be a heartless killer. I’d better get out of here.” Of course, I’d have been having these thoughts while doing a new dance known as the back scoot boogie. It’s the boot scoot boogie without boots.

If he’d kept wearing his highest opinion of himself, I would have been the one perceiving that I was up against overwhelming odds and ferocious competition. It would have seemed kind of unreasonable, but I was a ready believer.

What about you? What is your highest opinion of yourself? Do you live up to it all the time or just when you KNOW it’s safe? If the odds look a little questionable, does your opinion change or do you maintain your position? It’s a lot easier to be self assured and even arrogant when we’re up against small prey, isn’t it? But when the stakes (or enemy!) is larger, it’s easy to look for the nearest exit.

The next time you’re facing what you’re certain is an immovable object, think of your highest opinion of yourself and refuse to give in even an inch. Stand your ground! The worst that could happen is that you go down giving it your all. There’s absolutely no shame in that, but there’s seldom any glory in retreat.

What’s the best thing that could happen? You could prove to the world that your highest opinion of yourself isn’t just an opinion, it’s an accurate depiction. Inside of that moment – the moment where you believe in yourself more than you believe in what you’re facing – is where magic lives.

Go get you some!

***************
Think of a time when you stared down your own giant with a rake and refused to budge. I’d love for you to tell about it in the comments. Don’t worry, it’s not being boastful, it’s being helpful – because your example could help someone else when their turn at bat comes up.

Filed Under: Positive Thought, Self Help Tagged With: opinion, Self Help, self worth

Motivation from Catwoman! What We Can All Learn From Eartha Kitt

December 26, 2008 by Joi 4 Comments

Eartha Kitt
Eartha Kitt
Buy This at Allposters.com

 

“It’s not the name they call you, it’s the name you answer to.” – Fred Allen

I’ve spent the morning reading about Eartha Kitt, who sadly passed away yesterday. I’m sure you remember her as Catwoman #2 from the Batman television series. She was the Catwoman with the arresting voice. She was only in 3 episodes, but she will forever be remembered as the sexy, raspy voiced Catwoman.

What I DIDN’T know is what all this beautiful lady had to overcome in life. She was born in South Carolina in 1927, the result of a brutal crime. Her mother, a sharecropper who was of African-American and Cherokee Native American descent, was raped by a plantation owner.

Her mother (for reasons I guess only she understood) gave her daughter up. By the time she was 15, Eartha had dropped out of school. Without a home or family to call her own, she slept at friends houses as well as the subway.

Eartha’s was obviously a life that could have gone a hundred different directions, but equal parts talent and fight made her a household name. If that isn’t inspiring, nothing is.

She landed on her feet… her dancing feet…  in Paris and became the talk of the town. None other than Orson Wells called her, “the most exciting girl in the world.” She then found work in Hollywood, including the seductively memorable role that made her famous: Catwoman (1967-1968).

When I read about Eartha Kitt this morning, the quote at the top of the post came to mind.

What people think of us counts little compared to what we think of ourselves. And what others see when they look at us means very little when it stands beside what we see when we look at ourselves.

Can you picture it? A young girl in Harlem (where Eartha lived for a while) refuses to be a discarded child that nobody wanted to call their own. She didn’t see a child of rape when she looked in the mirror. At a time when race was on just about everyone’s mind, she didn’t see a race. She certainly didn’t see a little girl that needed pity.

She saw a star.

Look at the last print of Eartha, below. She stood before the Queen of England!

More Eartha Kitt Photographs and Art Prints:

Eartha Kitt Playing in the Tree

Eartha Kitt…
Buy This at Allposters.com

Eartha Kitt and Harry Belafonte

Eartha Kitt and Harry Belafonte
Buy This at Allposters.com

The Queen Talking to Bruce Forsythe and Eartha Kitt. November 1958

The Queen Talking to Eartha Kitt
Buy This at Allposters.com

 

Filed Under: General Tagged With: Eartha Kitt, self importance, self worth

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My name is Joi (“Joy”)! I am the animal lover behind Self Help Daily.

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