parenting

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

June 21, 2021 by Joi 5 Comments

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!). It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in. After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives. Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read. I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me. My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on. That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble. When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.” They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly. I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago. Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young. It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to. He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then! When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby. She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one. When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write. I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother. Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them. My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking. I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes. He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper. I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world. The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

I’m too old
I’m too fat
I’m not smart enough
I never catch any breaks
I don’t have enough money
Nobody loves me
I’m lonely
I can’t do anything
I’m so depressed
I am so sick and tired of…
My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself. The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse. If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay. If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little: If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay. If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow. How far can you and I grow? As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.

I Create My World: Perfect Book to Help Build a Child’s Confidence

August 5, 2019 by Joi 3 Comments

I’m in love with this little book – more to the point, I’m in love with the concept of providing children with positive affirmations, self confidence, and self worth. I Create My World is a wonderful book for children that I wish I could put in every child in the world’s precious little hands.

I don’t have to tell you how important self worth is, nor do I need to remind you how important it is to our happiness and even health to realize that we are…

important
special
wonderful
worthy of love, happiness, and all things good!

What I might need to remind a lot of people of is this: People need to be grounded in these truths very, very, very early in life. The first years of development are more important than most people realize. A lot of the beliefs, feelings, and thoughts we develop as very young children stay with us throughout our lives. The impressions we form of ourselves in the early years of life stay with us, for better or worse.

That’s why the thought of a loving adult sitting down with a child and reading a book like this, together, fills my heart with warm hope.

Picture it: A parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, older sibling, or other family member sitting with a precious child reading a bright, beautiful book that’s all bout THEM! Kids are their own favorite topic of conversation, after all – and this is a book reminding them.. reinforcing in them… that they are…

special
talented
loved
gifted
wonderful
the artist who’ll paint their life’s picture

I read to my daughters (Emily, Brittany, and Stephany) from the moment they were old enough to listen. The time spent together was sweeter than any cupcake could ever hope to be. I found that it was often the words shared between us… between pages.. that were the most powerful. The same would be true with this delightful and colorful book. Think of the wonderful opportunities you’d have to instill positive life affirmations! Having a book as a “tool” helps immensely. The author’s words can guide your words, while the picture holds the child’s attention.

I’m reminded almost daily just how strong children’s memories are. My daughters often bring up things that happened so long ago that my mind had nearly misplaced the entire scenario. They remember books we checked out at the library and read as soon as we got home, they remember lessons from our home school – all the way back to when they were 5 and 6. A few months ago, one of my girls brought up a story I’d made up when they were all younger than 8. They remembered the “moral” and even the illustrations I drew to go along with it!

What a child experiences early in life helps mold and form them into the person they’ll become. It’s as though we provide them (when they’re very small) with the colors they’ll use to paint their life’s picture.

I Create My World is a beautiful palette of colors you can use to your child’s advantage!

Click through any of the links or images to learn more.

~ Joi (“Joy”)

Daddy Nickell Tips, Just in Time for Thanksgiving

November 12, 2013 by Joi 3 Comments

Gratitude is on everyone’s mind this time of year. Isn’t it a shame that the thoughts that are so strong and prevalent during November and December don’t stay as strong and prevalent the rest of the year?!

I have to admit, when I was younger, I never really realized just how beautiful a gracious and thankful heart is. I remember one Tuesday morning I was having lunch (pizza!) with the pastor of our church, his adorable wife, and a few of our friends. Somehow the subject turned to being thankful and expressing gratitude. Southern preachers do many things with great passion and eating is certainly amongst them, but between bites, our pastor said, “A Gracious heart is a beautiful thing.”

I remember this so clearly because:

It was BY FAR the shortest sermon he ever preached.
It made me realize that, indeed, a gracious heart is a beautiful thing.

My three daughters, with their lives, preach the same sermon this wonderful man did over pizza. My daughters are so incredibly gracious and thankful that it never ceases to leave an impression on me and I always think of the “Mini Pizza Sermon.” Graciousness is beautiful. They express the same gratitude whether I fix them a mug of hot chocolate as they would if I bought them a purse that costs way more than any purse has a right to cost (seriously, what’s up with purses?).

When I read the article below, the tip, “Model the behavior” jumped out at me. I believe that, over the years, my girls saw that my husband (“Daddy” to them!) and I simply don’t take anything for granted. We are always genuinely thankful for anything we have as well as for anything anyone does for us. I think that, more than anything, this helped them to become so beautifully gracious.

I notice graciousness in others and always realize that it speaks absolute volumes about an individual.

Below is a timely article that’s being shared with Self Help Daily’s readers. It’s written by Robert Nickell (a.k.a. Daddy Nickell) and offers fantastic tips on helping your kids find ways to give thanks. More importantly, it tells how you can help your kids to be more thankful. ~ Joi

Creative Ways Your Family Can Express Thankfulness on Thanksgiving and Beyond

by Daddy Nickell

Thanksgiving is almost here, and parents everywhere are wondering how they can teach their kids how to express thankfulness on the holiday and beyond. Rather than just going around the table and saying a quick list of things they are grateful for, moms and dads want creative and unique “I’m Thankful For…” ideas that will get the kiddos in the spirit of giving thanks!

From his experience in raising 7 children of his own, parenting expert Daddy Nickell has tried-and-true tips on ways to teach your kids how to give thanks:

Creative ways to express thankfulness on Thanksgiving:

Thankfulness jar: Put out a decorative jar with a notepad and pen. Have family members write down things they are thankful for and read the notes at Thanksgiving dinner.
Thankful turkeys: Do the old-fashioned hand turkey or be more elaborate, but have children write something they are thankful for on each of the turkey’s feathers. Use them as place cards or decorations.
Alphabet list: Go around the table and have everyone say something they are thankful for. Be creative and use the alphabet to keep things going (each person has to say something they are thankful for that starts with the next letter in the alphabet.
Dry-erase board display: Have a dry-erase board on prominent display where people can write what they are thankful for.
Thankful songs: Choose a popular tune, such as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and have each child sing a song starting with the words “I am thankful for…” This will get your kids’ creativity going and is sure to bring joy and many laughs!

Ways to teach your kids how to always give thanks:

Model the behavior. Say “thank you’s” yourself. Remember to thank your children when they make their beds or clean up their messes. Tell them they make you happy when they follow the rules and bring you joy when they sing and dance. Demonstrate thankfulness in your own life.
Make them wait (or work) for it. When kids get everything they ask for the minute they ask for it, they don’t appreciate it. If you make them wait a couple of days or until their next birthday, they will be incredibly grateful for the gifts when they receive them. Children also appreciate things more when they have contributed work or money towards them.
Work thankfulness into your daily conversation. Talk to your kids about how blessed you are to live where you do and remind them how special and important they are to you. Helping a child appreciate what they already have will help them be thankful for their life.
Volunteer. Whether it’s bringing cookies to a neighbor lady, or filling food bags at a homeless shelter, your children will benefit from seeing the joy they can bring to those less fortunate than themselves.
Write thank you notes. Somewhat old-fashioned and definitely on the out, thank you notes require the children to think about each person and why they appreciate them and the gift they gave. It takes time, and every kid loves receiving mail.
Reward thankfulness. Recognize your child when they remember to say “thank you,” especially to a stranger. Tell them how proud or impressed you are with their behavior.

Daddy Nickell’s tips will help all parents teach their kids to be thankful on Thanksgiving and beyond! Use them to ensure that your kids make giving thanks a part of their daily life.
Author: Robert Nickell (a.k.a. Daddy Nickell), father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents. Daddy Nickell is the founder of DaddyScrubs.com, delivery room duds, gifts, and apparel for dads, and the Daddyscrubs.com blog, where he covers topics about parenting and the latest baby and kids gear, all from a Dad’s perspective.

About Daddy Nickell
For his blog, Nickell writes from a father’s perspective on topics such as bonding with your child and what the father should expect during pregnancy and infancy. Daddy Nickell also contributes his parenting expertise to national talk shows and daytime television shows. He has been featured on “Good Morning L.A.,” “Good Morning Texas,” “Daytime TV” ABC15 Phoenix, MSNBC, WZZM 13, San Antonio Living, KSBI TV, and as a syndicated columnist for national newspapers, parenting magazines and websites including Baby Couture Magazine, Oh Baby! Magazine, City Parent Magazine, The Bump, Parenthood, and Homeschooling Parent.

You can also see DaddyScrubs on YouTube, like them on Facebook, and follow them on Twitter (@DaddyScrubs) and Pinterest!

Empty Spaces

May 2, 2011 by Joi Leave a Comment

Empty Spaces

The empty spaces make
wholeness. The emptiness in a
pot makes it valuable; you can
fill it with food or water.

Pay attention to what isn’t. Listen
for what your child does not say.
Observe what she does not do.

Similarly, know that your child
uses your empty spaces. What
you do not say resounds. What
you do not do impresses.

– from The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure

The above is a beautiful excerpt from a beautiful little book, The Tao of Motherhood. Had it not been for our week-long, greatly uninvited and grossly unappreciated internet abstinence, I would have written about this beautiful book sooner. However, if you use the Amazon river of greatness, you can STILL have this book delivered in time for Mother’s Day. It’s truly, truly a wonderful little book filled with beauty.

What’s amazing about the words above is this: The reader doesn’t have to be a mother, or even a female, to benefit from the lesson taught in wording so brief.

We can all benefit from the reminder that’s at the heart of this passage. People will learn more from what they see us do than what they hear us say. Sometimes they will get a better indication of our character by the things we DON’T say as opposed to the things we DO say.

My mother was incredibly non-judgmental. She didn’t look down on others, irregardless of their circumstances or abilities/inabilities. She never copped a holier-than-thou attitude. Ever. The thought of her saying something derogatory or insulting about another human being is almost laughable. Of course, there were behaviors that she didn’t condone and if she thought anyone was being cruel or mean-spirited, she’d be the first to say so.

But there’s a difference between hating what people do and hating people, isn’t there? There’s a clear line and she never crossed it.

More importantly, she didn’t have a racist or bigoted bone in her body. She didn’t see color when she looked at people, she didn’t see ethnicity. She saw people – made by God, loved by God. In fact, one of the things I hate most in this world is racism, which is something I strongly shared with my mother.

As a result of the things my mother didn’t say and the hatred she didn’t possess, she raised a daughter who is filled far more with love than with hate.

The “emptiness” of hate and the nonjudgmental attitudes continued to my own three daughters. Because they didn’t hear their mother judging others or being unkind and cruel, they have never taken part in the ugliness themselves. It wasn’t something I sat them down one day and drilled into their heads, “You must not make fun of others or look down on them. Even more importantly, you must not ever be bigoted! ” When you “leave out” certain things in your life, others will notice – whether they’re children or adults.

As Vimala McClure said, “Empty spaces make wholeness.”

Time Travelers, Chicken, and the Good Stuff

April 5, 2011 by Joi 12 Comments

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.

Slower.

In—hale….. ex—–hale.

Better.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did just spend a few hours amongst the public. How can you tell? I’m just going to say it. I love people, but, well, people are bananas. One thing that I experience every time I go out is this: Irritable, LOUD, agitated parents of small children. If you’re fuse is so short that you go from here to there inside of 10 seconds, don’t have kids!

These parents (or pa-RANTs) need an abbreviated lesson in common sense:

Kids are kids. Just because you enjoy shopping for an hour, scouring over every single shoe in the store doesn’t mean a 3 year old little boy is going to have a grand old time. Three year old boys weren’t made to sit as still and quiet as lawn furniture for any length of time.
Take a look at your kid’s little legs. Now tell me how in the name of all that’s reasonable you think THOSE legs can possibly keep step with your’s.
Yelling in public never has been and never will be attractive, acceptable or applaud-able.
To the woman who yelled at the grade-school aged kids to “Act your age!” Then followed it with a “SHUT UP!!!!”….. seriously? Out of the same mouth, act your age….. SHUT UP! I’d have paid money for one of the kids to have said, “Okay. You first.”
If you treat a child with anger and, God forbid, violence – they come to accept that as the preferred reaction. One day, in about 10 years, you’ll find yourself standing in front of a police officer with a dazed expression on your face. I only wish I could be there to slap you with a, “What in the BLEEP did you expect. Now, SHUT UP!”

Of course, it’s not just parents who seem to think that public is the perfect place to argue, fight, and bicker. Some couples act like they’re in divorce court. Frankly, I don’t care about public displays of affection, as long as nothing gets out of hand, of course. If people want to hold hands or walk with their arms around one another, cool beans. I’ll take them over the ones that bite one another’s heads off and argue in public. Again, seriously?

Today a woman flat bit her husband’s head off when she asked what he wanted for supper. He said, “Chicken,” and she tore into him good. I guess it was the wrong answer. As I was hot-footing it out of the aisle (afraid she’d turn her wrath on me since I had chicken in my cart), I heard her saying something about not wanting to spend 16 hours in the kitchen. I don’t know how she cooks chicken, but she’s doing it wrong.

Bananas.

Sometimes I imagine what time travelers from years ago would say. If our grandparents (0r even parents to tell the truth), when they were in their early 20’s, could have traveled to a Wal-Mart in Everyday, USA. Once they got over the shock of piercings, hairstyles, clothes, and so on – I just have a feeling one of the first things out of their mouths would involve manners. I can hear my husband’s grandmother now… “Back in the day, wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that.”

I can imagine my great-great grandmother passing out when she heard people yelling at one another.

I don’t know, maybe I”m just an old soul at heart. But in my dream world, people treat one another (regardless of their age) with respect. They never raise their voice in public and try to remain calm, cool, and collected. Parents act like the adults. Men and women never leave the house unless they’re clean, put together, and wouldn’t die of embarrassment if they came face to face with someone they knew from high school.

I did encounter a couple of different ladies who were cool customers. One was in her 20’s with a baby girl or boy. Couldn’t tell you if I had to – but it was cuter than it had a right to be. I smiled at the baby and told her she certainly had a precious baby. She smiled ear to ear and said, “Thank you! Until 5 months ago, I only thought I knew what happy was!” She then said something about being the luckiest girl in the world and I couldn’t help thinking that within her cart was a terribly lucky baby boy. Or girl.

Another lady was about 50 years older than this happy young mother. She was almost cuter than the baby was, I must say. Little red sweater, bright blue pants, neat little sneakers, curly white hair, and a smile that lit up the entire grocery store. She tried to reach a cereal on a top shelf and I rushed at the opportunity to reach something for someone else. At 5’2″ on a proud day, I’m normally on the other side of the situation. She thanked me and we talked about the weather, birds, and the high price of cereal (we’re both against it). It was obvious that she was just a genuinely upbeat, happy, and cheerful person. I’m drawn to people like that like a hummingbird is to nectar. I wanted to bring her home with me, but if I start bringing people home, it might alarm my husband.

When she of the neat sneakers and I were parting ways, her smiling son came up the aisle toward her. He held up a box of some sort of ice cream bars and asked if those were the ones she liked. She said, “Yep. That’s the good stuff!” Cute, cute lady.

I guess this post has only one thing on its mind – an admonition for all of us (parents, wives, children, husbands, workers, non-workers) to strive to be more civil, have more class, and act like… you guessed it… ladies and gentlemen. At the very least, NOT like savages.

When is it the right time to yell at anyone in public? When they’ve grabbed your purse and are trying to get away.

Now, I have to go find my happy place. It won’t take me long, I know where it is. In the kitchen, on the counter near the refrigerator. Some people call it a coffeemaker but for me it’s just happiness waiting to be poured.

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives