affirmations

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

June 21, 2021 by Joi 5 Comments

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!). It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in. After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives. Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read. I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me. My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on. That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble. When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.” They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly. I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago. Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young. It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to. He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then! When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby. She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one. When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write. I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother. Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them. My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking. I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes. He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper. I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world. The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

I’m too old
I’m too fat
I’m not smart enough
I never catch any breaks
I don’t have enough money
Nobody loves me
I’m lonely
I can’t do anything
I’m so depressed
I am so sick and tired of…
My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself. The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse. If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay. If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little: If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay. If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow. How far can you and I grow? As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.

NinkaStudio “Theme of the Year” Calendars

December 29, 2015 by Joi 5 Comments

Well, guys 2016 is just about here. 2015 was a bumpy ride in my family, so we’re welcoming 2016 with arms wide open.

If you’re as into calendars as I am (I usually have about 4) or if you love positive affirmations and motivation even half as much as I do, you’re going to be blown away by these printable calendars from NinkaStudio.

The “Theme-of-the-Year” printable calendars are available and each one is more than just a pretty face. These special calendars allow you to keep a special theme or “word of the year” front and center in your life all year.

Themes (“Word of the Year”) Include:

Simplify
Awake
Balance
Laugh
Imagine
Breathe
Enthusiasm
Release
Sparkle
Rest
And many more!

From NinkaStudio:

A theme-of-the-year is a very simple concept that a lot of people use instead of New Year’s resolutions. It’s also called “One Word Resolution”, “Word of the year”, “Personal Mantra”, “Intention for the year” or simply “One Word”. Instead of focusing on lots of goals that often get abandoned within a few weeks, a simple word or phrase will be your guide. One word is easy to remember, simple to focus on and can gently guide your decisions, plans and actions in all areas of life.

For a VERY low price, here’s what you get:

2 printable files:

2016 Year-at-a-glance Calendar (choose between US Letter with Sunday start or A4 with Monday start)
8″x10″ printable theme (JPG or PDF) – print & frame or set it as your desktop background

I hope you’ll click through and find the word (or words!) that resonate with you. If you find several, consider buying each – after all, can we really have too much motivation?

Keep smiling! ~ Joi (“Joy”)

Muhammad Ali on Affirmations

June 20, 2011 by Joi 1 Comment

Muhammad Ali: Gloves

“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.” – Muhammad Ali

Photo Credit: Art Print from Allposters.com

Self Talk: Never Underestimate its Life-Altering Power

May 24, 2011 by Joi 1 Comment

If you’re looking for ways to feel happier and overcome feelings of loneliness and sadness, one of the first places you should look is inside your own mind! When it comes to happiness, very often our thoughts and self talk make us or break us. Read on for a delightfully colorful man who has this thing figured out.

There’s a particular stretch of town that I travel a couple of times a week. It’s a nice quiet drive, a huge change from taking the bypass which is anything but quiet. Personally? I’m a fan of quietness. This road runs through an amazingly interesting part of our town with some pretty colorful characters. One man, in particular, always catches my eye. On the rare occasions that I don’t see him, I’m half tempted to pull over to the side of the road and wait for him – he always makes me smile. I call him the “Happy Walking Man” and I’ll never forget the first time I saw him.

I nearly rear-ended the car in front of me.

He’s probably in his early sixties. He has dreads but a very, very receding hairline (to the tune of being bald on top). The thing that’s so remarkable about this man is his happiness. He wears it head to toe. The first time I saw him, he was doing some sort of a happy walk and talking to himself. You could see his joy from a mile away. Somehow my inquisitive nature wanted to take a second look to see if my buddy was singing or talking and I determined that he was definitely talking… the determination came just in time – right before the front of my vehicle met the back of the one in front of me.

Each time I’ve seen him since, he’s wearing the same smile. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he just walks.

I was telling one of my daughters about him recently and a couple of things I’d been thinking about kind of gelled together.

First of all, before you say anything, I know that the odds of my guy having both oars in the water are slim. It’s entirely possible that Happy Walking Man is blissfully unaware that he ever owned an oar. That’s all completely irrelevant because he’s the hero of this post – and heroes don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules.

I’ve always been a HUGE champion of positive thinking and believe with all my heart that our own thoughts and self-talk shape and define our world. I also firmly believe that many people who claim to be…..

sad
lonely
depressed
blue
miserable
angry
bitter
resentful
etc…

… simply need a new script to follow when they’re talking to themselves.

Take for example the mother of a houseful of young children. She’s with them day in, day out for over 20 years. The house and mini-van are completely filled with noise, singing, giggling, arguing, and excited chatter about everything from Sesame Street to Justin Timberlake. Father Time has no regard for her or anyone, so he marches along (possibly with the gait of Happy Walking Man). The kids grow up, go to school, get married, and do all sorts of things that don’t involve giggling or trips to McDonald’s.

“Mommy” wakes up one day and is “Mom.” The once rowdy house is completely still – more still than she ever thought anything could possibly be and trips to the grocery store are suddenly as quiet as a librarian on her lunch break. Early in the transition, it would be easy (so easy) for her to tell herself that she’s lonely and that things are too quiet. It’d be natural (so natural) for her to curse Father Time and demand that he return her “babies” to her.

You may have guessed that I’m the “mom” in the illustration and I refused to take the easy and natural route. I mean, can you say MISERABLE??! I remember the first 9 or 10 trips alone to the store. I’ll confess that tears came a few times. Then I decided that I was simply telling myself the wrong things. I’d find myself thinking, “It’s too quiet!” or “I’m lonely!” – Then I thought, “Well, no wonder you’re sad – you’re setting the stage perfectly for that!”

I started using the time alone for meditating, planning out articles I wanted to write, quizzing myself on things like state capitals and famous quotes and listening to my Patsy Cline CD (something a couple of my girls would have disowned me for!). I replaced, “It’s so quiet!” with “This is so relaxing.”

When I walk through the house during the afternoon and the only sounds are birds chirping in the yard, I don’t bemoan, “The only sound around me is birds,” I smile and say, “The only sound I hear is birds.”

I think this is the place where so many of us mess up – whether we’re mothers or fathers or not. We all get far too comfortable with thinking the same thoughts over and over again. They become a pattern, and if they’re the wrong kinds of thoughts and if they’re negative self talk, we’re penning our own doom.

One of my daughters was talking a few weeks ago about something she loves to read about: “Flipping.” The only flipping I know of is what gymnasts do, so I had to ask her what flipping she was talking about. She said that she was fascinated at the process of buying houses that needed work, fixing them up, and selling them for more money than you paid for them. I’m still not as impressed as the flipping done by gymnasts, but I have to admit, it does sound interesting.

When we “flip” our thoughts, we get much more out of it than money. If we can take thoughts that need makeovers and fix them up, we get a whole new life and new found happiness.

Spend a little time with your own thoughts. Periodically ask yourself, “What am I thinking right now?” You may be surprised! You may find yourself in the middle of a thought like, “I’m so lonely…” and catch yourself. You might just argue with yourself.. “No, I”m not lonely! My cat is right beside me and my husband will be home in two hours. I’m not lonely, I”m relaxed!”

Sometimes we get into a recurring pattern of thinking the same thoughts. Some people, after going through a particularly tough couple of months (or even years) will find themselves thinking, “I am just so down..” But if they were to cross-examine their statement, they’d find that they aren’t so down after all. They simply grew accustomed to saying so!

Our self talk and our thoughts either build us up or they tear us down. They CONSTRUCT or they DESTRUCT.

Take your self talk and hold it accountable. Flip it so far you don’t even recognize it!

If your self talk is sad, cheer it up.
If your self talk is defeated, build it up.
If your self talk is on repeat, mix it up.
If your self talk makes you cry, shut it up!

If you can, picture the hero of our article strolling along the street. His smile is bright enough to light up three counties. What do you think he’s saying to himself? It’s darn sure not, “I’m lonely” and he’s not singing the blues. He’s enjoying the heck out of life. He may not know where the day is taking him, but he’s already packed his smile. Well played, Happy Walking man, well played.

Make each moment count double and make each thought count for something.

Grabbing a Second Chance at Life

October 15, 2010 by Joi 4 Comments

I don’t have to tell you how much I love inspirational quotes. I have a whole giant section devoted to them on Self Help Daily and I have (literally) notebooks filled with favorite quotes I’ve collected over the years. From television, the supper table, books, etc.

My “favorite” quote change frequently because there are just too many to choose from… So when people ask me, “What’s your favorite quote?,” I always answer, “Well, today it’s….”

Then I tell them my favorite quote for that particular day. Some days a quote stays my favorite for days, even weeks.

My current favorite quote has obvious staying power – it has been my favorite quote for over a month! Here’s the quote that I’m so in love with:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” – Anonymous

Could I love this quote any more? No, I don’t think I could. It’s just so beautiful and so inspirational. And so true! How often do we think we’ve reached the lowest point possible in life just to see a new dawn on the horizon?

Just this past week I witnessed, joyfully, this quote play out.

First of all, one of my dearest friends recently went through a terrible experience. He found the courage to end a long-term, rocky, even emotionally-abusive relationship. The sorrow and pain that accompanied not only the years he was abused but the final chapter, as well, left him feeling much like a caterpillar would.

Think about it for a minute. Let’s imagine that a caterpillar is capable of thinking in the same way we are. He’s at what he feels is surely the end of the line. He looks back over his life and recalls the peaceful, even happy, moments. Then he tries to console himself. “It’s all over. All of life’s good times are behind me, there’s nothing left…”

Talk about being as low as you could go.

My friend e-mailed me a few days ago and his wonderful, hopeful mood was contagious. It jumped off of my computer and whirled around me! I couldn’t help smiling as I read how he had someone in his life now and how he was hopeful that the relationship would continue to grow. He weathered the storm and now life is once again a beautiful, magical, wonderful place. Once again, he has reason to want to get up in the morning and see what wonders await him!

I also saw this sort of a re-birth in my own yard. We have a trellis beneath the window of one of our bathrooms. All summer we’ve had a gorgeous display of purple morning glories growing up the trellis. You can watch out the window as butterflies and hummingbirds enjoy the purple blooms as much as we do.

Temperatures cooled off mightily recently and I noticed that the blooms had stopped opening. Even the leaves looked droopy and “spent.” I made a mental note to tear the straggly vines down as soon as I felt better.

Lo and behold, the weather warmed up a few days ago and, wouldn’t you know it, the trellis was filled with purple morning glories again. Even though it’s late in the season, there were even colorful butterflies enjoying the last hoorah. I thought about the quote above and couldn’t help but smile at the irony.

Finally, we all watched – with tears running down our faces – as the Chilean miners were rescued. How bright and beautiful everything must look to them! They lived through the darkest moments and now are able to enjoy life even fuller.

That’s the funny thing about adversity, and perhaps why it’s sometimes referred to as bittersweet. It allows you to see things in a whole new light – and everything is more beautiful than ever.

So, what’s my favorite inspirational quote? Well, today it’s “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”

Just When The Caterpillar Mug

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives