self growth

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

June 21, 2021 by Joi 5 Comments

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!). It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in. After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives. Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read. I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me. My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on. That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble. When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.” They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly. I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago. Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young. It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to. He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then! When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby. She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one. When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write. I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother. Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them. My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking. I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes. He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper. I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world. The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

I’m too old
I’m too fat
I’m not smart enough
I never catch any breaks
I don’t have enough money
Nobody loves me
I’m lonely
I can’t do anything
I’m so depressed
I am so sick and tired of…
My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself. The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse. If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay. If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little: If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay. If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow. How far can you and I grow? As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.

The Mt. Baldy Lesson of Life: Pause. Reflect. Keep Going.

September 26, 2014 by Joi 2 Comments

Ever heard of Indiana’s Mt. Baldy? This is how Wikipedia describes Mt. Baldy:

Mount Baldy is a sand dune located in the Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore. It is the tallest sand dune on the southern shore of Lake Michigan and is 123 feet tall.

This is how I describe Mt. Baldy:

Darn near killed me.

About twenty years ago, my husband and our three beautiful little girls (Emily, Brittany, and Stephany) visited friends in northern Indiana. Someone thought it’d be a great idea to climb Mt. Baldy. After suffering much abuse from this endless sand dune, no one wanted to own up to WHO’s idea it was. Even if they wanted to own up to it – they couldn’t. No breath = no voice.

Along the relentless, steep, upward climb, we paused a few times – probably more than a few, but who’s counting? There were three or four times when I came to a complete stop and actually looked behind me – gauging whether going back down was an option.

Each time, however, I saw how far I’d come and decided to keep going. The steps I’d accomplished (and lived to tell about) gave me confidence to continue my journey.

When we reached the top, there were just a few little shade trees to be found. Other climbers, gasping for breath were crowded around most of the shade (some were even laid out, like they were making snow angels… but without moving. My sweaty, unable to speak, and exhausted little group huddled around the nearest little tree. There was an incredible sense of accomplishment, in spite of the physical exhaustion.

We’d made it!

It felt pretty darn cool to have completed such a grueling, physical task. Seriously, you can’t imagine how STEEP that climb was – and in sand, no less! Each step seemed like you were taking about 10 because you kept sinking with each step.

And did I mention it was August? H-O-T!

When I remembered how to activate my senses, I stood up and, with three little girls who I’m pretty sure were laughing at me, looked around at the view. If I’d had any breath, it would have taken it away.

Again.

The view was spectacular. It’s something I’ve never forgotten – even after 20 years. I remember how proud I was of the accomplishment and I remember how beautiful everything was – just like it was yesterday.

Over the years, a lot has changed. Our friends no longer live in northern Indiana… I believe Mt. Baldy is now closed to the public…. Our girls are still beautiful, but only their father could still consider them “little girls.”

No matter how many things have changed, one thing remains the same: The “Mt. Baldy Lesson” still holds true.

Life, like Mt. Baldy, can sometimes be a steep climb. There are times when we kind of stall in our steps – emotionally wrung out and spiritually exhausted – and wonder how we can possibly take another step. It’s times like this when we should just pause and look at the progress we’ve made.

The steps we made and lived to tell about.

A few things we need to keep in mind during the climb:

There’s a difference between pausing and stopping. Pausing says, “OK. Let me regroup, then I’ll continue.” Stopping says, “Done.”
No one ever said it was going to be easy.
If we stop, we’ll just have to start all over again. Then, any progress will have been wasted.
When you pause, look back at how far you’ve come. Use that as motivation to go a little further. Then, pause again. Look back again. Keep using the steps you’ve taken to fuel the ones you have left.
No matter which one of life’s steep journeys you’re on, remember that stopping isn’t an option. The only way you’re going to get there is to keep going.
Don’t beat yourself up when you feel tired or “wrung out.” Just keep going – even a shaky step is still a step.
No one else can understand your journey unless they’ve walked in your steps. If I were to mention “Mt. Baldy” to my husband and daughters, they’d grimace. They walked the walk so they know the talk. If I mentioned “Mt. Baldy” to my favorite cashier at Kroger, she wouldn’t have a clue what I was talking about. She might even say something like, “Oh, it couldn’t have been that bad.” Then she wouldn’t be my favorite cashier anymore.
The view from the top is something you’ll never forget.

Again, twenty years later, the experience is still something I remember vividly – just like it was yesterday.

Find your strength. Keep going. You will make it.
~ Joi

Good…. Better…. Best

June 1, 2014 by Joi 1 Comment

Have you ever wrestled with something that was kind of in a gray (or grey for our British readers) area? Maybe it was a habit that you couldn’t really call “bad” – but, at the same time, you certainly couldn’t call it “good.”

Years ago, a friend and I were having one of those deep conversations that can only take place over pizza. In fact, it was just me, her, two tall glasses of Coca-Cola and an extra large pizza with mushrooms, onions, and green olives. That’s what I loved about her – she liked the same pizza toppings I did.

The girl had such good taste.

Although, like a fairy tale, it was a long long ago, I distinctly remember our conversation. We were both young mothers at the time, with lots of little girls between us – and the prospect of raising daughters, in what seemed at the time the toughest time period to do so led to many heart-to-heart “mommy conversations.” Little did we realize that late 1990’s and 2000’s would make our particular time period look like Little House on the Prairie. Even then, however, things kids were exposed to in music, television, and movies was reprehensible. We may have been pizza drunk, and we may have been incredibly young – but even we knew that life choices and decisions should be broken down into three categories: Good. Better. Best.

Sure, watching this television show (compared to the rest) is good… but is there a better option… and, then, is that the BEST option?

Over the years, a lot of things have changed. After frequent moving on both of our parts, I’ve totally lost contact with my pizza buddy. Thanks to gluten intolerance, I no longer sit in restaurant booths shoveling pizza in my mouth and, thanks to a metabolism that IN NO WAY got better with age, I no longer drink Cocoa Colas. What is it with metabolisms, anyway? Why do they turn on us?

What hasn’t changed, though, is the fact that we should all periodically take stock of how we spend our time, the choices we make, and the the way we’re playing this game called life.

First thing we need to do is to own the fact that everything we willfully do throughout the day is because we made a choice. If someone buys a Big Mac and large fries, they chose to eat something profoundly unhealthy. It didn’t just happen.

If we squander our time and, at the end of the day, realize that we didn’t get a darn thing done – we chose that path. Unless someone tied us to a chair, the choice was made by only one person – and that’s the person we see in the mirror.

Every action we make or inaction we take, we choose to do so. That’s why, whenever it comes time to talk about self improvement, self growth, or self help, the first thing we have to hold accountable are our choices.

They lead the way – everything else just follows.

One of the fastest and most efficient ways to get the most out of these choices is to give honest answers to these questions:

Does anything GOOD come from this?
If not, why am I doing it?
If something GOOD does come from this choice, is there a choice I could make that would bring about an even BETTER payoff?
If there is a BETTER choice… is it the BEST choice?

Let’s look at a quick example, because if you’re anything like me, that’s where things really begin to take shape.

I don’t have to tell you how important it is to eat healthy. You don’t look like a perfect idiot to me, so I know you get that. We tend to kind of “misplace” this bit of common sense as soon as we drive past a fast food restaurant, don’t we? We’ll see a sign that says something like Free Drink When you Buy Two Juicy Cheeseburgers and Large Fries, and automatically say through a smile, “Don’t mind if I do.”

While the convenience of this choice might appear GOOD, I’m pretty sure we can do better.

How about ordering just one burger and an unsweet tea? That’s BETTER…. but, can we do even better than that? Is there a BEST option available?

Absolutely.

The BEST decision would be to either go home and have a wholesome, cheaper, lower calorie lunch or find a Subway and “eat fresh.”

Let me guess, it seems like a small thing, right? But that’s kind of what choices are – they’re the small brush strokes that paint the big picture. Now, which is going to make the best picture – the best strokes, of course.

Same thing with self improvement – if you want the BEST you, you have to practice making the BEST choices. Unless, of course, you just want to settle for a “good” you…

I didn’t think so.

If you want the BEST from yourself and the BEST from life, it all starts with making the BEST decisions. Like a single unit, they will all move in the same direction. May as well swing for the fences!

~ Joi

A Quote of Biblical Proportions

June 28, 2012 by Joi 3 Comments

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough; turn you northward. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (KJV)

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (NASB)

The above verse (the bottom one) accompanied an edition of an inspirational newsletter I subscribe to. The newsletter was about an actual mountain and an actual situation of losing track of where the path was. Sounds like something I’d do, if we were to be honest. My sense of direction is akin to bat’s sense of sight.

The quote really resonated with me. I grabbed my Bible, just out of curiosity to see how it was worded in the King James Version. It resonated just as strongly and, at least in my opinion, sounded even more lyrical. Both versions of the verse are now written on a large index card and hang over my computer desk along with a few other quotes that I find to be exceptionally inspiring and motivational. Another card nearby says, “Nothing will work unless you do. – Maya Angelou”

I can’t tell you how many times Dame Angelou has kicked my butt with those words. I’ve been know to literally say, “Yes, Ma’am,” as I get back to work.

The beautiful mountain verse is also incredibly inspirational. The words serve as powerful reminders to know:

When it’s time to give up.
When it’s time to try a new approach.

When it’s Time to Give Up

I know it may be strange to see me, the queen of “Fight! Fight! Fight!” mention the words giving up in a positive light, but let’s face it. Sometimes it’s time to give up! For example, some people hang on so tightly to the PAST or to their Pre-conceived vision of the FUTURE that they waste today. There are few things in the world any sadder than wasted time or un-cherished moments. I hear from people almost daily who are sad becuase…

Their marriage has ended.
Their “nest” is empty.
They lost their job.
They can’t have children.
The face they see in the mirror isn’t the one they saw 1o years ago (isn’t that a pip?)

The list goes on, because unfortunately none of us make it out of this world unscathed or unburdened. The first thing I always tell people is that they have every right in the world to feel sad, disappointed, angry.. or any other emotions they feel. We can’t help how we feel, after all. BUT, we can help how tightly we hang on to these feelings.

The spouse who’s marriage has ended who keeps looking at old photographs and listening to old songs, for example. They hang on to the past so tightly, they’re squeezing the life out of the present – and nothing leads to a dead future faster than that.

How about the empty-nester who keeps wanting her children to be little again?

A. That’s not going to happen.

B. Why in the world would you want it to? They can change themselves now!

On a smaller scale, think about the baby boomers who are still trying to look just like they did when they were in their twenties?! I’m the first one to say that a woman or man should wear whatever they darn well want to wear. All I hope for is that they aren’t tacky – and if they are, that they’ll stay out of my line of vision. However, there’s a lot (a whole lot, actually) to be said for dressing in a manner that’s becoming to you. If someone sends you a memo saying that the 70’s wants its clothes back or the 80’s wants its mullet back… you might not be as becoming as you are just becoming a joke.

Relationships can also make people dig their feet in deeper when they should simply move on. Bad, dysfunctional relationships rob your life of positive energy, fun, and its very breath. Some people waste years trying to make a lousy relationship un-lousy when lousy is all the relationship can be.

You have to know when it’s time to turn north. Going in circles doesn’t get you anywhere. It just keeps bringing you right back to the starting point – the very definition of insanity and the picture of wasting the life you’ve been given.

When it’s Time for a New Approach

Oh, geez. Time to tell on myself. I hate when that happens – but I get into so darn much stuff and make so many mistakes that I beg to be used as an example! Due to a thyroid that no longer exists (literally), I have to watch my weight like an obsessive hawk. Problem is, I’m not an obsessive hawk. I’m more of a laid-back dove – and one that’s very, very fond of eating.

Imagine the trouble that gets me into.

The problem was under control for the most part until the past few years. Until recently, pounds would creep up and I’d simply walk further and more often until I was back in fighting form. However, for some reason (it couldn’t be age, could it? Surely not.), the routine just isn’t working as beautifully as it once did.

This dilemma was in the forefront of my mind, actually, on the morning when I read the verse. It jumped off of the computer screen, got in my face, and demanded, “So. Just how long are you going to keep doing the same thing, while expecting different results? How long are you going to keep dialing the same number and expecting a different answer each time? How long are you going to keep circling the same mountain?”

After writing the verse down on an index card, I immediately began to go over every single thing I ate and drink. I researched the number of calories I was actually burning during my 30 minute walk each day. Turns out, not nearly as many as my feet thought we were. They had me convinced we were “torching calories” when, in fact, we were just kind of slapping them on the wrist – and not very hard at that!

I’d been, literally, leisurely walking around a mountain – again and again. It occurred to me that it was more than past time to turn northward. Then, and only then, would things begin to look up.

Spend a little time with this verse and see if there’s an area of your life it wants to discuss. If it does, you’d be wise to listen.

~ Joi

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough; turn you northward. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (KJV)

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north. – Deuteronomy 2:3 (NASB)

>>>> The picture at the top was taken on a recent trip to gorgeous (gorgeous!) Pine Mountain State Resort Park in Kentucky.

Instead of Finding an Excuse, Wouldn’t it Be Better to Find a Way?

December 14, 2011 by Joi 1 Comment

Like every other rabid fans of The Biggest Loser, two of my daughters (Emily and Stephany) and I were glued to the finale last night. Each season, two of my favorite parts of the finales are:

Seeing how the contestants look
Getting a peek at the next season

Everyone looked great and seemed so much happier. Good on them! However, the highlight for me was the sneak peek at the next season, which premieres in just a matter of weeks actually. In the new season, contestants come to the ranch in pairs, Dolvett and someone have a screaming match, Bob nearly kills Santa, Dolvett throws someone out of the gym, Alison unveils an unexpected game-changing twist, and Bob laughs maniacally as he puts the contestants through the grinder.

Sigh. I love this show.

Next season’s theme is intriguing. It’s called “No Excuses,” and the words, alone have me all worked up. As it is, I am not a fan of excuses whatsoever. I try never to rely on them for myself and I absolutely lose patience when other people use them as crutches – especially when their so-called excuses are always the fault of someone else. Seriously? Grow up.

And oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse. ~William Shakespeare

When I mess up, which I’m MORE than capable of doing, I try to make a habit of just being honest. If I forgot to do something, instead of whining about all the things I DID do, I simply say, “Ugh, I forgot.” It’s the truth, and the truth is always FAR less complicated than the hype. If you mess up, say you messed up. If an apology needs to accompany the proclamation, offer it from the heart.

Saying you messed up, and even more importantly saying you’re sorry for it, takes courage, guts, and a great deal of character. Shifting blame or trying to throw camouflage over the mistake comes from a place of intense pride and maybe even a little cowardice. Why people are so afraid of being human is beyond me.

Another area where excuses can trip people up is when they use them to keep from doing something, achieving something, or growing in a particular area. If the the excuse is a legitimate (medical or physical), then it’s not really an excuse as much as it is a reality. I have been blessed with chronic asthma. If I were to go out on a cold morning and jog for any length of time, I’d find myself in a world of hurt. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reality.

However, if I neglect to get on my treadmill because I’m busy updating websites, cleaning house, or trolling Food Network.com – I don’t have a leg to stand on. I refuse to say, “I was just too busy to get on the treadmill today. Man, did I want to, but I was just too busy.” I’d rather just tell the truth: I chose to do other things instead because, apparently, they were more important to me at the time. The only way we can ever hope to change the tune is if we first face the music.

Don’t make excuses – make good. – Elbert Hubbard

Some people bumfuzzle me when they try to make excuses for other people’s behaviors, lack of morals, shortcomings, etc.

For example, if a rude female athlete basically makes an a$$ of herself on national television. She didn’t do so because she was an athlete, because she played a team sport, or because of the position she played. She did it because she chose to. If she has a negative, obnoxious personality and is outrageously rude to people, she chooses to be this way. What she does for a living, what she eats for breakfast, or where she was born do not MAKE her the way she is. She chooses to be the way she is.

It’s true for everyone… as in all of us. We each make our choices, then our choices make us.

Here’s the way I look at it. We all (whether we’re female, male, athletes, chefs….) make these choices just as surely as we brush our own teeth. We are who we are because of these choices. If someone is rude, they choose to be rude. Their profession, hobby, sex, or birthplace does not make them rude. Otherwise, wouldn’t everyone else who has similar traits also be rude?

If an individual is morally bankrupt, it doesn’t matter where he or she was born. Haven’t first-class people walked the exact same streets?

Personally, I think one of the biggest needs in the world today is for everyone to step up and be accountable for their own actions. I don’t think any of us need to make excuses for ourselves, or for anyone else. All of us make our own choices and we should be held accountable for them.

The next time you find yourself attempting to explain why you did or didn’t do something, ask yourself, “Is this an excuse or a reality?” If it’s an excuse, chuck it over your shoulder and move on. Always try to make a WAY rather than an EXCUSE. Finding a WAY will take you places, finding an EXCUSE will keep you where you are.

Maybe you don’t like your job, maybe you didn’t get enough sleep, well nobody likes their job, nobody got enough sleep. Maybe you just had the worst day of your life, but you know, there’s no escape, there’s no excuse, so just suck up and be nice. – Ani Difranco

Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives