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Positive Feedback vs. Negative Feedback and the Effect Each Has on Our Lives

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Quote About Being Yourself

I’m about halfway through a wonderful book, How to Think Like a Millionaire (I hope to have the review up soon!).  It’s one of those books where you find yourself, not only taking notes, but closing the book every now and again just to let everything soak in.  After this morning’s reading, I was basically a sponge.

I just finished a section on Positive Feedback vs Negative Feedback and the impact they have upon our subconscious mind and the absolute power our subconscious mind has over our lives.  Everything rises and falls according to the strength of our subconscious mind, so keeping positive and life-affirming thoughts therein could make ALL the difference.

The Live-Changing Power of Positive Feedback

When I got up from reading to make my husband breakfast, I was still thinking about what I had read.  I realized how, in my own life, positive feedback had a huge impact on me.  My mom and dad were forever telling me what a “good” child I was, how they never had to worry about me getting into trouble, and so on.  That early reinforcement, I’m sure, had a great deal to do with the fact that I never DID get into any trouble.  When I was in my 30’s, a few months before I lost my father – my dad told one of his nurses that the only trouble I ever gave him or my mom was one solitary speeding ticket.

I told him at the time that it was because I was perfect – but I’m absolutely sure that’s not completely honest!

I believe that the same scenario plays out for kids who are constantly told that they’re “bad,” “difficult,” or “spoiled.”  They live down to those words the way the lucky kids live up to the ones they hear.

As I kept thinking, I realized another area where positive feedback affected me greatly.  I believe that one of the reasons I ever fancied myself a writer had to do with things my aunt told me years and years ago.  Penny (my mom’s sister and an aunt I’ve always been VERY close to) and her husband (Bobby – LOVE him too!) had to move to another state when I was really young.  It was really hard on all of us, but Bobby had an amazing offer in Ohio that he would have been a fool to say no to.  He’s the master of corny jokes, but a fool he’s not.

When they left, I missed them terribly, so we started writing a lot of letters to one another – oh, to have had e-mail and social media back then!  When they came home for Christmas, she went on and on about how much my letters meant to her and Bobby.  She said she always looked forward to them and saved each one.  When she said they “made her smile” because they were like visiting with me, I began to associate true, beautiful power with words.

Many years later, when I got married and we had to move to Kansas, I had a lot more letters to write.  I still wrote to Penny, but I also wrote to my parents and my grandmother.  Each one of them always told me how much they loved reading my letters, how they kept them and often re-read them.  My grandmother even told me how she read them to her friends, and that they enjoyed my “way with words.”

Positive Feedback, friends.

Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that all of my loved ones were right and I’ve had a fascination with words and writing since.

When I handed my smiling husband his breakfast, I thought of yet another area of positive feedback touching my life. Early in my marriage, I fell head over heels in love with cooking.  I started collecting cookbooks and even began coming up with my own recipes.  He’d often have his single friends over to our house for supper.  I often overheard him talking about my “wonderful” cooking and it made me believe I was the greatest cook in the world.  The fact that he and our daughters are always so complimentary about my meals, desserts, bread, etc. only makes me love cooking more and more.

I am very, very blessed that the people I love most in this world have always made me feel like I could do anything. It makes me very sad to think there are others out there who don’t have this positive feedback in their life.

A Lack of Positive Feedback

I wonder if one of the main reasons people become discouraged and give up is because they don’t get enough positive feedback. Think about the stereotypical scenario of the couple who has been together for several years. She begins to feel he doesn’t love her or think she’s pretty simply because he has stopped saying the words. The positive feedback, early in the relationship, built her confidence up SO high that when the words stopped, she came crashing down, bewildered and even wondering what she’s doing wrong.

The same could be said of children, co-workers, and just about anyone you could name. Children often give up because they don’t feel appreciated. Co-workers and friends get to the point that they quit trying because nothing they do is ever good enough.

The Pitfalls of Negative Feedback

The only thing more dangerous than a lack of positive feedback is a steady stream of negative feedback. When a spouse, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, etc. only hears negative comments – they begin to believe the words and come to believe that they are as worthless as the comments say they are. Many even tune the negativity out to a certain degree, after all, who wants to constantly hear how worthless, stupid, wrong, irresponsible, or bad they are?!?! But it goes much deeper than them tuning it out. They begin to believe it. When someone believes the worst about themselves, they stop even trying.

However, if they get positive feedback – even if it’s for the smallest possible thing – their confidence and self worth begin to grow. After they’ve gotten enough positive feedback, they begin to give themselves MORE of the same feedback, then… look out!

The Most Important Feedback of All

As important as the feedback we get from others is, it’s not the most vital feedback. That feedback is the one we feed ourselves. The words we say to ourselves, usually inside our own minds, determine how successful we will or will not be. We are, basically, what we think we are.

The words below are just some of the words we use to cripple ourselves:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’m not smart enough
  • I never catch any breaks
  • I don’t have enough money
  • Nobody loves me
  • I’m lonely
  • I can’t do anything
  • I’m so depressed
  • I am so sick and tired of…
  • My live sucks!

When we feed ourselves words like this, we’re feeding ourselves a type of poison. Anyone who feeds these words to another person (especially someone they supposedly love) should be even more ashamed.

Start thinking more about the feedback you give to others and to yourself.  The words you say to and about the people around you makes them better or makes them worse.  If you beat them down, that’s where they’ll stay.  If you build them up, that’s the direction in which they’ll grow.

Now let’s change the pronouns a little:  If you beat yourself down, that’s where you’ll stay.  If you build yourself up, that’s the direction in which you’ll grow.  How far can you and I grow?  As far as we want to!

How to Think Like a Millionaire

The book below, How to Think Like a Millionaire is a must-read as far as I’m concerned. It’s all about altering your mindset – the millionaire part has absolutely nothing to do with it. What matters is believing that you deserved the best from life… because you absolutely do.


Are You Trying to Put a Square Peg in a Round Hole?

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I’m a great lover of books, but you probably already know that… I recommend one nearly twice a week and always have one or two nearby.  I’m also a great believer of education – mostly self-education.  However, I’m convinced that the greatest education isn’t found in a book or a university.  The greatest education is found in life.  I’ve been reminded of that a couple of times lately.

One of these lessons is a simple one.  A kindergarten lesson, no less:  Square pegs don’t go in round holes.

Have you ever found yourself trying to cram a square peg into a round hole – trying to do something that’s just outside the realms of the possible?

Maybe you’ve gotten caught up in the trap we all do from time to time – trying to be someone we aren’t.  We put on this facade, thinking that we’re fooling everyone when in fact we aren’t fooling anyone, especially ourselves.  The facade doesn’t fit and we’re incredibly uncomfortable yet we seem to be unable to just step out of it and be ourselves.  We get this ridiculous image of who we SHOULD be or who others EXPECT us to be – then we fight a silly battle to try to fit into that skin instead of our own.

Have you ever seen someone in ill-fitting clothing?  Maybe it’s a 17 year old boy with pants falling down below his rear.  He walks kind of duck-like trying to keep them from sliding down.

Why not buy pants that fit you – instead of trying to fit pats that aren’t suited for you?

Maybe it’s a woman who’s trying to fit into her daughter’s jeans.  She shuffles down the aisle at the grocery store, barely able to walk OR breath. You know that if she drops something and has to pick it up, she’ll be buying her daughter a new pair of jeans.

Why not buy jeans that are your size instead of trying to squeeze into jeans that are someone else’s size?

I’m sure that, like me, you can’ t help snickering at the imagery.  Yet, we’re just as guilty aren’t we?  Maybe not in the clothes we wear, but we’ve certainly fallen into other sections of the tap.  After all, we’re human.  Below are some of the most common instances of trying to fit square pegs into round holes, skinny bums into huge pants and huge bums into skinny pants:

  • The individual who wants to save a few dollars and tries to be his own plumber, roofer, web designer, mechanic, and/or electrician.  If you have a career – stick to it. Do what you do and let others do what they do. Think about it.  If you try to do other people’s jobs (jobs you aren’t trained for, experienced in, or proficient at) a few things are going to happen: [1] Odds are you’re going to mess up and have to contact them anyway. [2] During the time you’re spending doing THEIR job, who’s doing YOUR’S?
  • The spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend who try to be someone different around their guy or gal.  Who are you fooling?!  Be who you truly are. If you are with someone who wants you to be a different person, that’s a big problem.  Throwing on a make believe persona isn’t the answer.  It’ll slide off in time and then where will you be?  On the wrong side of wasted time, ridiculous facades, and bad acting.
  • Maybe you’re the type of person who bites off too much.  We (I’m going with we here because this is where I wiggle into the wrong jeans…) think, “If this is good…. this, this, and this will be better!”  Not necessarily. I made a Red Velvet Cake recently and made a double amount of cream cheese frosting. Why? I wanted to erase all doubts about having enough – that, plus my daughter Brittany is a Frosting Finger Swiper.  I bake all the time and one of my biggest pet peeves is when I have to try to stretch something to go further than it’s capable of going.  I despise coming up with less frosting or toppings than I need.  I find myself spreading delicious frosting so thin that it can’t even be tasted or appreciated.  Then, I’d try to overcompensate by piling on chocolate chips, walnuts, or coconut.  Fancy facades are always second best.
  • How about followers who are in leader’s positions?  We’ve all seen them – bosses and managers who sit at the big desk simply because of family or friends.  They don’t have the personality or drive to fill the desk and, deep inside they know it.  They live each day trying to spread walnuts and coconut over their insecurities and inefficiencies  -hoping no one notices.  The sad thing is, they feel just as out of place as they look.  The check (and their pride) is too big to rock the boat – but they’d be much happier at a smaller desk. They’d be healthier, more fulfilled, and infinitely more comfortable.  Why? It’d fit.

These are just a couple of examples – I’m sure you can think of more.

This may seem like an unusual post coming from blogdom’s Mary Poppins.  After all, I’m ALL ABOUT aiming high, fighting the good fight, never giving up, challenging yourself and all of that great stuff.  However, I’m even more about not making a dang fool of oneself!

I was up against something a little while back.  When I’m doing something that matters to me, I’m as stubborn as any mule could hope to be.  I stick with it until I either figure it out or twist it around to where I want it.  I think it came from being an only child – my parents always led me to believe I could do anything I decided to do and I guess I took them at their word.  However, I have sense enough to know that square pegs don’t go into round holes – they weren’t designed to.

After spending a few hours with the square peg and the unrelenting round hole, it occurred to me, “The time and energy you’re spending here could be better used elsewhere.  You could actually be accomplishing something other than frazzled nerves.”

So I laid the square peg down and moved on.  And guess what?  It felt pretty darn good!  I actually moved along to something that was within the realms of the possible and accomplished something I’d been meaning to do for weeks.

No amount of time, no amount of inspirational quotes, no amount of motivational books, not even 3 pots of coffee will make a square peg fit in a round hole or a size 18 arse  fit into a size 4 pants.  However, a square peg will be divine in a square hole and a size 18 arse will be bootylicious in a size 18 pair of jeans.

Basically, this long post boils down to this:

  • Don’t try to be someone you aren’t.  Be the original, quirky, warm-hearted person your mother raised.  Never try to be someone she wouldn’t even recognize.
  • Don’t try to do things you aren’t equipped to do.  It’s great to have an area of expertise – and it’s brilliant beyond compare to stick to it.
  • If you ever bite off more than you can chew – spit it out before you choke.
  • Don’t try to be the queen or king of everything – stick to your own castle and your own kingdom.  Remember, if you leave your throne – it’ll be empty, at best, and taken, at worst.
  • The next time you seem to be up against the impossible, realize that it may be just that – impossible.  Ask yourself, “What could I be accomplishing if I put my time and energy elsewhere?”
  • The same lessons hold true for broken dreams and relationships.  If you keep staring back at what was “lost,” you’ll never be looking in the right place – ahead – where something truly beautiful can be “found.”

Vow, today, to never waste any more time trying to put square pegs into round holes…. and always wear pants that fit you.  Just thought I’d throw that in there.

~ Joi

Thursday Throwback to 1923: How to Get What You Want in Life

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Today’s Thursday Throwback is from a real powerhouse of motivation:  Elsie Lincoln Benedict.  This is an excerpt from a lesson-lecture that she delivered to students in various cities of the United States long, long, long ago.  Don’t let the multiple longs fool you, though.  The advice, the motivation, the inspiration, and the grit will leave an impression on you.  I plan to publish more of this amazing lady’s teachings on Self Help Daily because she moves me.  She simply moves me.

I will type in Elsie Lincoln’s Benedict’s words as they appear in the texts I have.When I skip around a little (because some illustrations simply aren’t built for time traveling), you’ll see a family of dots….. just call them The Dots and follow them to the next room.  Once or twice you’ll notice something in parenthesis – this is where I pitch in my two cents for clarification.  Having read the entire series of lectures, some things may be clearer to me – and I thought I’d wipe the window, so that you can see more clearly as well.

When the writing/teaching begins, Elise Lincoln Benedict is addressing the subject of “Making Your Desires Materialize.”

Enjoy! ~ Joi

HOW TO MAKE YOUR DESIRES MATERIALIZE by Elsie Lincoln Benedict, 1923

The distance we cover (in the pursuit of our desires) depends on the number of hurdles we are able to take and the speed with which we cover the distance between.

We may run along for quite a while on smooth ground, thinking “Everything’s going to be smooth from here on,” but pretty soon looming up ahead we descry an obstacle.  It may be a low one which we scarcely notice.  Or it may be a high one.  If we refuse to scale it, thinking it looks impossible, or if we are tired of running, we can stop right there and our progress ends….

But if we draw upon our courage we will always find that this hurdle, high and forbidding though it appears, is nothing compared to the first ones (previous obstacles, trials and tribulations). Because we have developed strength from jumping those before – a strength we are not aware of till we put it to the test, but which never fails us if we take a good jump and try for it….

There come times in every human life when the game doesn’t seem worth the candle. But it is.  When the price looks bigger than the prize.  But it never is.

The price is always less, when you come right down to paying it, than it looks to be – just as a piece of work looks impossible as long as you postpone it but is suddenly easy when you begin.

Life always lets you make your own decisions and she takes you at your word.  Your words always express themselves in your secret attitudes.

To try to fool others is bad enough, but to fool yourself is fatal.  You never can really fool your subconsciousness. It knows whether you really want a thing or not, and whether you are in earnest.

If you are not it lets you alone.  But if you are it will find a way. It will help you get what you really want MOST.

You may not believe it at first glance, but many poverty-stricken, sick, shiftless failures already have what they want most in life.

They won’t admit it to you, but in their inmost souls they know it is true.

They don’t really want riches, health, and success MOST.  They only WISH they wanted these things most.

What they really want most of all is doing what they please with their time, taking things easy, sleeping late, overeating, being free of responsibilities – and they are getting every one of them!

They delude themselves with the notion that they are getting them for nothing – that success, health and happiness would cost more.  But the fact is that they are paying the highest price for the worst articles when the very best could be had at a bargain.

If you have ever seen a man trying to get out of work, you know that he worked twice as hard at it as those who pitched in and did something….

Your great subconscious will get for you the things you want MOST in life.  It will do so more completely and more quickly than you can believe.  It will do so with unerring accuracy and unfaltering, unswerving perfection.

If you want happiness, success, fame, it will show you how to get them.  They must be paid for, but the price is not as high as you think, not even as great as that we pay for failure.

I often think of the world as a colossal department store.  In it are all the things we want, displayed on the counters within reach of all, and to be had the moment we pay for them.

If we really want the things we SAY we want, we will do what we always do to get the things we want in the store – walk up and pay for them and TAKE them.

You see something you say you want.  But if you are not willing to pay for it, Life knows you only wish for it.

– – – – – – – – – –

I’ll continue the lecture next Thursday.  Trust me, it only gets better!

Ever Thought of Trouble as a Friend? Oliver Wendell Holmes Says You Should

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You know all about the love affair I have with old books, or more to the point, authors of old books. There are few things I enjoy more than sitting around the table with men and women who are from another time. Although I can’t totally relate to period of time in which they lived, they have so much to teach me that I overlook the funny clothes – to say nothing of the hairstyles. To be fair, they must think I’m a sight, too.

I often post quotes, articles, and reflections from great authors of the past and I get a tremendous kick out of the response. There’s something remarkable about seeing an author’s teachings from the 1880’s being tweeted. Love it!

I have such a profound respect for the knowledge that these authors possess that I’m going to start a weekly tradition on Self Help Daily called, Thursday Throwback. Each Thursday, I will post a “guest article” from one of these authors. Why should their wonderful, rich knowledge lie in a dusty book in a dark basement? It should be brought out into the open and these amazing authors should be given an opportunity to educate, enlighten, and entertain generations of people who, like me, would look downright freaky to them. In spite of our looks, they’d want to reach out to us.

In my very small way, I’d love to give them this chance.

We’ll start with a great article by Isabel Leighton. Isabel Leighton was a journalist, actress, and writer. She began her career in the theater, appearing in several Broadway productions in the early 1920’s. In the 1930’s and 40’s she wrote for various magazines as well as for the North American Newspaper Alliance.

She also served as a naval correspondent in World War II. Can you imagine how fascinating it would have been to sit down and have a cup of coffee with this lady?

Below is an article Isabel Leighton wrote titled, “Meet Trouble as a Friend.”

MEET TROUBLE AS A FRIEND
by Isabel Leighton

“Trouble makes us one with every human being in the world.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
A little more than twenty years ago I spent a treasured afternoon with Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes at his Beverly Farms home just north of Boston.  Lingering on the threshold as I took my leave, I asked if I might publish some of the typically rugged, earthy observations he had made during our tea together.
With a firmness that belied the gentle smile dancing at the corners of his mouth he replied, “In my more than ninety  years I have never allowed myself to be quoted, nor will I revise my pattern at this late date.  But write your interview,  child, and if, after twenty years from my going, anything I’ve said still seems to serve a useful purpose, it is yours to do with as you wish.”
During those hours, two decades ago, we spoke of many things:  the granite on which he built his home – and his life; the barberry bushes he never tired of seeing from his windows; the mystery stories he devoured; and, finally, more dismal matters.  Was he not deeply concerned, I asked, over the depression, threats of war and the lack of security in the world?  He shook his head indulgently.
“Oh, you young people, you think you’ve discovered trouble.  If you want to live without trouble, you’ll have to die young!  For if one thing’s sure, it’s that it’s always been with us and always will be.”
“Terrifying, you think?  Rubbish,” he chuckled, “it’s never fazed me.  Been almost grateful for it at times.  Makes us one with every human being in the world – and unless we touch others, we’re out of touch with life.  You might as well be dead as stop growing and if you’re unwilling to feel, yes, feel deeply, you’re only half alive.
“If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I wouldn’t pass it around.  Wouldn’t be doing anybody a favor.  Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don’t say embrace trouble.  That’s as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.
“No, trouble isn’t the scourge of the world.  The world has its ups and downs.  So have people, and all the speechifying that breath can produce won’t change things or make the millennium come an hour sooner.  You can’t run away from trouble.”
He smiled now more benignly, “Accept it.  Don’t worry about it.  Have faith – and do the needful.”
************

Have faith and do the needful. In one sentence, Oliver Wendell Holmes gave a perfect example of why Thursday Throwback is long overdue.  Blunt, to the point, and powerful.
Mr. Holmes could have been quite the tweeter.   Stop #panicking. Have faith & do the needful.

A Word That’ll Make You Want to Jump Off the Couch and Get Busy

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I was adding a page to the Self Help series of Steps to Increased Self Confidence a few minutes ago when a word picked a fight with me.

In case you the initial post about these steps, here’s a quick refresher: I’m taking a section of one of my favorite Grenville Kleiser books (from 1910, and no, I wasn’t around for the first printing), How to Develop Self-Confidence. I’m using his amazing text to create “steps” for improving one’s self confidence. I’m trying to leave his words alone as much as possible, only changing a few outdated phrases and adding TO his thoughts… never taking AWAY from them.

Anyway, the step Mr. Kleiser’s words and I were creating this evening involved the word Promptitude. I have to confess, I wasn’t entirely familiar with this word. I asked it if it could possibly be any more old school. I think that’s where the whole disagreement began – so, yes, I admit it. I started it.

I recognized PROMPT in the word, of course, so I assumed it had something to do with being “on time.” However, a few visits to a couple of my favorite websites (ones with ridiculously high IQs) let me know that I was only half right. I was on the right road, but what I thought was an avenue was actually a highway. Promptitude is the characteristic of doing things without delay. Furthermore, it’s the quality of being prompt; quickness of decision and action when occasion demands.

…and there, boys and girls is where the fight broke out. All of a sudden, Promptitude was in my face reminding me of instances when I’ve sat in front of my computer with, oh let’s say, 789 gazillion things to do – only to get up, stretch slightly and announce to my cats, “I’m just not in the mood…” Oh, yeah, that totally happened three times this past week! I’m not sure if it’s the holidays or if I just needed a little break. If the latter’s the case, I should be good to go. I took 3 little breaks.

One of my problems is the fact that I’m woefully late to the working class. I got married right out of high school and began having beautiful baby girls right away – three in all. I homeschooled our girls all the way through school. I wore many hats (mom, wife, chef, teacher…) but not one paid monetarily. I had a laid back life that consisted of no more stress than deciding what time to take my girls to the library, which period of history we’d tackle next, what time to go to the store, and what to make for supper.

I’m trying to remember, but I wonder if I ever looked at a clock back then. If I did… why?

Fast forward to today. We run our web publishing business from our home office and I, at any given time, have more stuff to do than the day’s hours permit. I love every busy second, but, sure some days find me missing rainy afternoons in the library, reading a great mystery as my girls worked on research papers or read novels for book reports.

I can’t even remember the last mystery book I read…

I explained all of this to mummy breath – I mean to Promptitude, but he didn’t back down. He said I needed more Drive, I said, “Your momma needs more drive,” he said, “Leave Genesis out of this…”

Then he got me. He asked if doctors, police officers, lawyers, salesmen, beauticians, teachers, waitresses, Starbucks workers (he’s hipper than I thought) and the like were able to pull the old stretching, “I’m so over this…” routine.

Busted.

One of the traits that my family seems to love the most about me is the fact that I’m very, very laid back. Sometimes it’s my undoing, however. I have to admit, there’s something very inspiring and motivating about the definition – “..the quality of being prompt; quickness of decision and action when occasion demands.”

Another problem I run into is one that most of us who work from home encounter: No days off! Think about it – people who work out of the home have certain days when they don’t go in to the office. Out of sight, out of mind. When our office and our work are inside of our home, we’re face to face with it daily. It’s up to us to schedule our time in a way that leaves us with free time for things like mystery novels, walking, crafts, etc.

Too much work leaves us wanting to flee the scene too often. Or, um, so I hear.

I’m glad I encountered the definition tonight – and even the obnoxious word. I feel, somehow, more inspired and focused than I did before. I also love the Lord Chesterfield quote that Grenville Kleiser included in his book, although it sort of has an attitude, itself. “Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination; never put off ’till tomorrow what you can do today.”

Promptitude called in reinforcements.