self help advice

I Think We’re Seeing a New Breed of People Being Born Right Before Our Eyes

February 12, 2013 by Joi 10 Comments

Picture it. A documentary is coming on the television set. The music sets a dramatic tone. The narrator (let’s give him a British accent for effect) announces that a new tribe of people has been discovered in (surprisingly) a part of the world that isn’t even remotely remote. You lean in close, wondering how a new race of people could have hidden all these years, undetected. You watch, expecting them to be draped in animal skins, living in caves, speaking in grunts, and sporting, possibly, nose rings.

You admit to yourself that maybe you watch too much National Geographic.

As you wait, literally on the edge of your couch, for the big reveal, the camera zeroes in on the new breed.

Wait… What???

It’s us. As images of social media, pictures on Facebook and Instagram, infidelity statistics, divorce rates, and so on flash across the screen, the narrator pauses dramatically then announces the name of the new breed: the Self Absorbed.

Dum-dum-dum-dum.

Kidding aside, I just have to ask, what is with people these days? Why are so many individuals as self absorbed as high-end paper towels? When I was in high school, the ancestors of the self absorbed were called “self centered.” But the generation they gave way to has far surpassed their efforts.

Odds are you know at least one person (the odds are greater that you know quite a few) who is self absorbed. Heck you may even be showing signs of heading that way yourself. If that’s the case, take heart. Maybe this article was meant for YOU and will prove as a life boat to keep you from drowning in a sea of YOU.

When something happens gradually, it becomes our NORMAL. What we accept as the norm today would have mortified us 20 years ago. As a comparatively small example, think about the commercials you see on TV today. If you could transport yourself back 20 or even 10 years ago, can you imagine your reaction if you saw some of this crap come on? Something my husband used to do, when our girls were younger was probably the best way of handling idiot commercials I’ve ever seen. He’d always have a “back up” channel in place during the show we were watching (especially during sporting events, where commercials really show their immaturity). He’d flip over to the “back up channel” (usually the Golf Channel or the Weather Channel) as soon as the commercials tried to throw themselves into our living room.

Since he didn’t want three young girls exposed to stupidity and flirtations with porn, he’d simply opt out. He was a dad who didn’t want to let what was becoming “norm” to the rest of the world to become the “norm” for his family.

Unfortunately, the commercials – gradually – have become even worse.

Isn’t that how most things happen? Slowly. Gradually. Then you sit there one evening while a commercial plays out that leaves your jaw on the floor as you ask, “America… what happened?!”

Like commercials (and magazines, movies, television, music…), the road to self absorption for so many people has happened gradually. They didn’t set out to become narcissists. But unfortunately, they didn’t set out NOT to become narcissists either.

nar·cis·sist

[nahr-suh-sist] noun

1. a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.

2. Psychoanalysis . a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.

Signs of a Self Absorbed

In a nutshell, the self absorbed makes every single moment, every single situation, and every single experience about them. What matters most isn’t who they are with, the beauty around them, the moment they’re in, or what they can do for anyone else.

What matters most to them is… well… them.

A few questions that’ll help classify a self absorbed person:

Does the person talk, at length, about their health, their diet, or their appearance?
Does the person buy things only for himself or herself?
Does the person ever do “cool” things for others?
Does the person give to charities… could the person even name three charities?!?!
Does the person look at the world around them or are they too busy demanding that the world look at them?
On Twitter, is the person 95% about self-promotion?
On Facebook, are they begging others to LIKE them (or their product) or are they working hard, giving others a reason TO like them?
Does the person ask… and actually listen to the answer… how someone else’s day was?
Is the person friendly, respectful, and courteous to servers in restaurants or do they have the, “You are here to serve me and you’d better do a darn good job!” mentality?
Does the person have any idea, whatsoever, what’s actually going on in the world – or is the world, to them, literally what’s in the room with them?
The self absorbed individual is the one who, when talking about their success (something they’re always doing), shows pictures of their car, their vacation, and sometimes even their home. I’m never impressed with that – come on, just about anyone can buy a car or take a vacation! To borrow a phrase from an old Shania Twain song, “That don’t impress me much.” Show me what you’re doing to make THE world a better place, not YOUR world. Show me how you’re helping precious children who need someone to care, show me how you’re saving a beautiful animal from becoming extinct, show me how you’re helping elderly people live out their lives with dignity, show me how you’re making the world a better place. Put your car in the garage, dude, it’s the least of my worries.

In Defense of the Self Absorbed

Before you start to think I hate self absorbed or self centered people – I do not. I don’t hate anyone. In fact, I feel sorry for them because if you limit your world to YOU, you’re missing out on so, SO much. If you make every situation, every day, every holiday, every moment all about you, you’re missing out on everyone around you. What’s more, you’re creating a void between you and everyone else. If your life is all about you 24/7, make no mistake about it, you’ll end up pushing everyone away and you will be left with your one true obsession.. yourself. How lonely does that sound?

As I said earlier, sometimes things happen slowly over time. Many self absorbed people slowly transition into being that way because of a health scare or other dramatic event in their lives. A loss of a very close loved one makes some people become very self absorbed.

Over my lifetime, I’ve seen a lot of people become very self absorbed because of a health issue or because of aging. They become, literally, obsessed and preoccupied with the person they see in the mirror. They’re every conversation and thought is channeled in that direction.

To me, that’s not LIVING, that’s simply TRYING NOT TO DIE.

There’s a big difference. But, again, things happen slowly over time. The same person who would have been mortified by the idea 10 years ago is, today, discussing bodily functions with the hostess at Cracker Barrel and medications with a stranger in Target. Just because someone politely asks, “How are you doing?” doesn’t mean they want your medical history.

When you read interviews with people who have celebrated their 100th birthday, they look back over a life of living. They don’t look back over a life of trying not to die.

I think we have to cut our young people a little bit of slack, too. Young girls and boys, today, have grown up with Facebook, Instagram, constantly taking selfies (pictures taken by oneself of oneself), reality TV, and with the mindset of “By gosh, it IS all about me!” Sadly, it’s their norm.

And our future is in their hands.

Are you scared now?

Dangers Posed by the Self Absorbed

I am a positive person – very positive, in fact. However, even I am driven to say that the self absorbed breed could just be our downfall. Think about some of the problems we face.

Divorce rates are through the roof. Self absorbed people don’t think about the other person, all that matters TO them IS them. So what if they “flirt” online or go to websites that bother their spouse – it’s their life, by gosh, and they’ll do what they want. And then they do…. all the way to divorce court.
People are falling for scams online left and right. The person they THINK they’re having a relationship with is completely different from what they think. Sometimes the other person is actually married and often they aren’t even the sex they believe them to be! Talk about awkward. When people only care about themselves, they don’t care if they hurt another individual or not. They don’t even care if they wreck their world. Remember, the self absorbed care only about themselves – all others are irrelevant.
Relationships are crumbling because men and women seem to have complete misconceptions about infidelity. If you are in a committed relationship, your every e-mail, “tweet,” direct message, etc. should be able to be seen by your companion. If they can’t be (without you wanting to run for the hills), you’re cheating. Plain and simple. I read a few days ago something that stood out to me. If you could not exchange phones with your significant other without panicking, you need to wake up. Same can be said about e-mail and social media. Self absorbed people only think about what makes them feel good at the moment – they don’t have any respect or regard for anyone else. And then they wonder why their relationship fails.
I don’t get shocked easily. I always say the reason for that is I lived with three teenage daughters – how in the world could anything shock me?! However, I am shocked by what’s considered normal these days. During the Super Bowl, for example, there were about 3 different commercials that left me grasping for reality. Do advertisers not realize (or give a darn) that kids watch television? Do they not realize that the only people who buy their products aren’t 15 year old boys?! Many companies are just as self absorbed as the individuals who run them. They think, “I’ll do what I want to do, and if offends people… I’ll probably just make more money.”
Self absorbed people are the ones who text while they drive. The dangers they pose don’t matter – the only thing that matters is that they have something to say and… after all… their words are worth any chaos they cause. Especially if they happen to have a picture of themselves to show off.
One of the biggest dangers of the self absorbed person is the fact that they’re keeping the breed going. They’re continuing a “norm” that needs desperately to end.

Is There Any Hope for the Self Absorbed?!

If you had an uneasy, “Uh oh” moment when you read the words “self absorbed” and saw a bit of yourself in the descriptions, you’re lucky. You’re probably cured already. Sometimes all it takes is a wake up call. It’s kind of like taking a good look in the mirror before going out for dinner and a movie and seeing that your hair’s standing straight up. It’s not a pretty sight, but thanks be to God you saw it before anyone else!

Personally, I think there’s hope for even the most self absorbed people. If not… at least they provide the rest of us with a little free entertainment. Just be sure you don’t buy into what they’re selling – it really isn’t any way to live.

~ Joi

Spirted Article from July 1921: An Approach to Kicking Bad Habits

July 29, 2010 by Joi 10 Comments

The following article first appeared in the July 1921 issue of NAUTILUS Magazine of NEW THOUGHT. The author, with all the personality in the world, addresses the subject of quitting smoking. However, the advice could be just as useful with other habits.

A Divorce From Tobacco

by Jean Dare Roberts

My husband had been trying for years to break away from the tobacco habit, but seemed to find it too strong fro him, and gave up.

His younger brother, who has been a still worse slave, surprised me, on a recent visit, by refusing a cigar.

The last time I saw him before he was using six or eight cigars a day and eating at least a cut of chewing tobacco between smokes. Eating is the right word. He swallowed both juice and cud.

I was anxious to know how he had conquered a habit of half a lifetime. He had picked it up when only seven years old.

It seems that his heart got to cutting some queer capers, and frightened him into consulting a doctor. After giving him the “once over” and back again, the M.D. told him to cut out the tobacco, and to be in a hurry about it, if he wished to escape the undertaker.

He certainly was frightened. He just thought that was his death warrant. He had tried so many times and so many different remedies, and everything had failed.

He tried for days to find some help and, finally, as a last resort, he decided to look into his sister’s New Thought literature that he had been ridiculing.

Quite naturally, he didn’t want her to know that he was interested, so he sneaked some out and took it to the office to study.

It appealed to him as being rather sensible, after all, and as he knew of nothing better to do, he decided to try it.

After a few day’s study, he decided on the plan which he followed to success.

On March twentieth he said to himself, “After April twentieth I shall not use any more tobacco. I shall not care for it, and I shall not be uncomfortable from stopping its use.”

He continued to use it, but every time he prepared a smoke or took a chew, he repeated his formula. Also the last thing before going to sleep.

On the morning of the appointed day he laid what remained of his supply on the bathroom shelf, and has never used any since that time.

He says that he suffered no inconvenience, ans has had no craving for it.

His health is restored, and his temper and mind are much improved. They seem to be getting better every day.

– Page 32, A Divorce From Tobacco by Jean Dare Roberts In NAUTILUS Magazine of NEW THOUGHT, July 1921

“…his heart got to cutting some queer capers…” – my favorite phrase of the month. Hands down.

Father’s Day Gift Idea: The Modern Dad’s Dilemma

June 7, 2010 by Joi 7 Comments

Can you believe that Father’s Day is just around the proverbial corner?! It seems like I just took down our Christmas tree.

If a father in your life enjoys reading, I have a book to tell you about – one that would make a wonderfully thoughtful gift for Fathers Day: The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World.

This very timely book helps dad connect (or re-connect) with their children. Written by an author who is, himself, a dad, The Modern Dad’s Dilemma recognizes and addresses the unique challenges facing today’s fathers.

Parents face situations in 2010 that parents in previous years could not have even imagined. Today, peer pressure can lead to far more disastrous circumstances and negative outside influences can, literally, wreck a child. Add in the competition parents face with technology (television, music, games, the internet, cell phones..) and it’s easy to see why the home can, at times, feel like a battleground.

The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World provides hands-on advice, tips, insight, and even exercises that can help a father break through all of the chaos and develop the sort of relationship that will benefit his children the most.

The author, John Badalament, EdM, is an author, filmmaker, and Harvard-trained educator. He is an internationally recognized speaker on parenting and is the director of the acclaimed PBS documentary All Men are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood. He consults with schools, parent groups, and organizations throughout the world and his private world is shared with his wife and two children in Massachusetts.

The Modern Dad’s Dilemma

More is expected of dads today than ever before. Drawing on his experience working with thousands of dads and families, John Badalament delivers a hands-on approach to meeting the everyday challenges of modern fatherhood.

Told through the stories of a diverse group of fifteen real dads who have attended John Badalament’s pioneering workshops, The Modern Dad’s Dilemma is filled with practical information, road-tested activities, and key skills dads can put to use right away.

Learn to:
* Balance family time with work demands
* Build open communication with your kids, no matter how old they are
* Model a healthy relationship with your children’s mother
* Sort through your own father’s legacy

Whether you’re adding to your Father’s Day gift bag or looking for a great book to read, head over to Amazon and grab a copy of The Modern Dad’s Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World. You’ll be very glad you did.

A Really Cool and Simple Self Help Exercise

March 26, 2010 by Joi 2 Comments

I’ve mentioned several times that I’ve fallen in love with a new type of “book feature” – books that allow me to comfortably read them while I’m on the treadmill have a very special place in my heart. When they’re just the right size and pliable, and the font is large enough to read at arm’s length and (come on let’s be honest!) they’re interesting enough to keep me in place for at least 30 minutes, I’ve made a paper friend for life.

I just finished such a book, WOW: A Handbook for Living. I want to share one particularly interesting page from the book that really made me think. I’ve shared it with a few of my daughters and it has tickled their brain cells as well.

The authors, Zen Ohashi and Zono Kurazono, have filled the book with beautiful, random photography as well as outstanding advice and… well, brain cell ticklers. I’ve gotten a lot out of many of them, but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t appreciate me giving everything away in one post! I will, however, share one in particular.

If you want to improve your abilities such as listening, love, enthusiasm, expression, rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. – Page 60

Rate the ability on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best you’ve been able to perform up to this point in time, one being the worst you’ve ever done. Do this on a daily basis.
To raise your ability just one point, think of what you have to do to improve.
Try it. – WOW: A Handbook for Living – Page 62

After reading this particular page, I folded the book and placed it on the front of my treadmill – then I just finished my physical exercise as I thought about this mental exercise. This is really excellent advice. Think of the different areas this advice could be utilized in:

Personal. Rate your relationships with the people you love. On a scale of 1-10, how close are you? What could YOU do (don’t worry about them right now) to move UP the scale. Do you criticize or “push” them too hard? If so, laying off and offering more support, praise, and back pats would certainly be good for an upward swing.
Home. Rate your living conditions. Have your closets gotten out of control (Shhh, don’t judge me.), are your bookcases haggard? Do you need more furniture with organization on its mind?! Take an honest assessment and, again, come up with what will get you moving in the right direction.
How about money? How would you currently rate your finances? Do you have as much money in the bank as you want or need? If not, come up with a plan to either make more or spend less.
Your Self Image. Without being unnecessarily cruel or chippy, how do you rate your self image right now? Packing around a few extra pounds that you aren’t terribly thrilled with? Maybe your hairstyle has worn out its welcome. Unhappy with your wardrobe? Whatever your pet peeves are, keeping them as pet peeves isn’t going to do anything for you. Rate the different areas, then come up with a plan to move on up to a happier place on the number line.
Your Self Confidence. Are you comfortable speaking on a number of different subjects? If not, read more. Stretch your mind and stretch your horizons.

Push your limits and push your way up the number line. Don’t stop until you’re rocking a #11 in every category. Think it’s not possible? All I have to say to that is, Gambaru!

In addition to the rating exercise, I highly recommend the following:

Daily exercise! Not only is it the best thing you can do for your physical health, it’s golden for your mental health. You’ll feel so much better if you simply MAKE time to get at least 30 minutes of activity at least 5 days a week. As an added bonus, while you’re walking or working out, you’ll come up with some of your best ideas and will be able to do more creative thinking than ever before. For reasons that a doctor could explain far better than I can, exercising sets the stage for clearer thinking and creative ideas. I’m completely hooked on working out problems and ideas on the treadmill or while walking outdoors (assuming it ever warms up again!)
WOW: A Handbook for Living. This is a beautifully written and illustrated book that will stimulate your thoughts as it inspires and motivates you to live your life out loud. This one’s a real winner, and so are you.

Are You Trying to Put a Square Peg in a Round Hole?

March 19, 2010 by Joi 8 Comments

I’m a great lover of books, but you probably already know that… I recommend one nearly twice a week and always have one or two nearby. I’m also a great believer of education – mostly self-education. However, I’m convinced that the greatest education isn’t found in a book or a university. The greatest education is found in life. I’ve been reminded of that a couple of times lately.

One of these lessons is a simple one. A kindergarten lesson, no less: Square pegs don’t go in round holes.

Have you ever found yourself trying to cram a square peg into a round hole – trying to do something that’s just outside the realms of the possible?

Maybe you’ve gotten caught up in the trap we all do from time to time – trying to be someone we aren’t. We put on this facade, thinking that we’re fooling everyone when in fact we aren’t fooling anyone, especially ourselves. The facade doesn’t fit and we’re incredibly uncomfortable yet we seem to be unable to just step out of it and be ourselves. We get this ridiculous image of who we SHOULD be or who others EXPECT us to be – then we fight a silly battle to try to fit into that skin instead of our own.

Have you ever seen someone in ill-fitting clothing? Maybe it’s a 17 year old boy with pants falling down below his rear. He walks kind of duck-like trying to keep them from sliding down.

Why not buy pants that fit you – instead of trying to fit pats that aren’t suited for you?

Maybe it’s a woman who’s trying to fit into her daughter’s jeans. She shuffles down the aisle at the grocery store, barely able to walk OR breath. You know that if she drops something and has to pick it up, she’ll be buying her daughter a new pair of jeans.

Why not buy jeans that are your size instead of trying to squeeze into jeans that are someone else’s size?

I’m sure that, like me, you can’ t help snickering at the imagery. Yet, we’re just as guilty aren’t we? Maybe not in the clothes we wear, but we’ve certainly fallen into other sections of the tap. After all, we’re human. Below are some of the most common instances of trying to fit square pegs into round holes, skinny bums into huge pants and huge bums into skinny pants:

The individual who wants to save a few dollars and tries to be his own plumber, roofer, web designer, mechanic, and/or electrician. If you have a career – stick to it. Do what you do and let others do what they do. Think about it. If you try to do other people’s jobs (jobs you aren’t trained for, experienced in, or proficient at) a few things are going to happen: [1] Odds are you’re going to mess up and have to contact them anyway. [2] During the time you’re spending doing THEIR job, who’s doing YOUR’S?
The spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend who try to be someone different around their guy or gal. Who are you fooling?! Be who you truly are. If you are with someone who wants you to be a different person, that’s a big problem. Throwing on a make believe persona isn’t the answer. It’ll slide off in time and then where will you be? On the wrong side of wasted time, ridiculous facades, and bad acting.
Maybe you’re the type of person who bites off too much. We (I’m going with we here because this is where I wiggle into the wrong jeans…) think, “If this is good…. this, this, and this will be better!” Not necessarily. I made a Red Velvet Cake recently and made a double amount of cream cheese frosting. Why? I wanted to erase all doubts about having enough – that, plus my daughter Brittany is a Frosting Finger Swiper. I bake all the time and one of my biggest pet peeves is when I have to try to stretch something to go further than it’s capable of going. I despise coming up with less frosting or toppings than I need. I find myself spreading delicious frosting so thin that it can’t even be tasted or appreciated. Then, I’d try to overcompensate by piling on chocolate chips, walnuts, or coconut. Fancy facades are always second best.
How about followers who are in leader’s positions? We’ve all seen them – bosses and managers who sit at the big desk simply because of family or friends. They don’t have the personality or drive to fill the desk and, deep inside they know it. They live each day trying to spread walnuts and coconut over their insecurities and inefficiencies -hoping no one notices. The sad thing is, they feel just as out of place as they look. The check (and their pride) is too big to rock the boat – but they’d be much happier at a smaller desk. They’d be healthier, more fulfilled, and infinitely more comfortable. Why? It’d fit.

These are just a couple of examples – I’m sure you can think of more.

This may seem like an unusual post coming from blogdom’s Mary Poppins. After all, I’m ALL ABOUT aiming high, fighting the good fight, never giving up, challenging yourself and all of that great stuff. However, I’m even more about not making a dang fool of oneself!

I was up against something a little while back. When I’m doing something that matters to me, I’m as stubborn as any mule could hope to be. I stick with it until I either figure it out or twist it around to where I want it. I think it came from being an only child – my parents always led me to believe I could do anything I decided to do and I guess I took them at their word. However, I have sense enough to know that square pegs don’t go into round holes – they weren’t designed to.

After spending a few hours with the square peg and the unrelenting round hole, it occurred to me, “The time and energy you’re spending here could be better used elsewhere. You could actually be accomplishing something other than frazzled nerves.”

So I laid the square peg down and moved on. And guess what? It felt pretty darn good! I actually moved along to something that was within the realms of the possible and accomplished something I’d been meaning to do for weeks.

No amount of time, no amount of inspirational quotes, no amount of motivational books, not even 3 pots of coffee will make a square peg fit in a round hole or a size 18 arse fit into a size 4 pants. However, a square peg will be divine in a square hole and a size 18 arse will be bootylicious in a size 18 pair of jeans.

Basically, this long post boils down to this:

Don’t try to be someone you aren’t. Be the original, quirky, warm-hearted person your mother raised. Never try to be someone she wouldn’t even recognize.
Don’t try to do things you aren’t equipped to do. It’s great to have an area of expertise – and it’s brilliant beyond compare to stick to it.
If you ever bite off more than you can chew – spit it out before you choke.
Don’t try to be the queen or king of everything – stick to your own castle and your own kingdom. Remember, if you leave your throne – it’ll be empty, at best, and taken, at worst.
The next time you seem to be up against the impossible, realize that it may be just that – impossible. Ask yourself, “What could I be accomplishing if I put my time and energy elsewhere?”
The same lessons hold true for broken dreams and relationships. If you keep staring back at what was “lost,” you’ll never be looking in the right place – ahead – where something truly beautiful can be “found.”

Vow, today, to never waste any more time trying to put square pegs into round holes…. and always wear pants that fit you. Just thought I’d throw that in there.

~ Joi

I Think We’re Seeing a New Breed of People Being Born Right Before Our Eyes