I have had people offer to send me books to review on Self Help Daily (as well as my other blogs) only to politely and graciously decline simply because I didn’t want to “go there” with my emotions leading the way. As the mother of three daughters who make my world go around, I have declined at least 4 different books involving parents who had lost their child.
A person has to know their limits and I’m woefully familiar with mine.
When I was offered a review copy of Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, I impulsively clicked the “Reply” arrow while sorting out my reply, “I am so very sorry for your loss (because that’s most certainly what it is)… but I simply…”
Then I stopped. The realization that this mother/author is going through something in life that others are experiencing and that she could offer a helping hand and understanding heart to them made me close the e-mail. I decided, in that minute, that if she was brave enough to write what had to have been an incredibly painful book I could certainly be brave enough to read it.
When I did reply, my brain told my heart, “I got this.”
Later that day, it occurred to me just how brave and selfless this mother is. Can you imagine reliving unspeakably painful memories simply in an effort to reach out and comfort others who are hurting? She didn’t write the book in an effort to bring her estranged child back into her arms.
If only it were that simple.
She wrote the book for others who’s arms also ache for their children.
B-R-A-V-E.
When Adult Children Disown Their Parents
Before hearing about this book, I had actually heard of a few instances of adult children abandoning their parents and, usually, their entire family. I’m not going to lie to you, this is something that doesn’t just break my heart, it shatters it. When a person walks away from a lifetime of love and caring – turning his/her back on the people who gave them life and, literally, cherished their every breath is unthinkable to me.
I believe this type of person to be the embodiment of selfishness.
While I have little sympathy for adult children who turn their back on their parents, I have to say this: The day will come when they will be racked with so much guilt and remorse that they will not be able to stand. It will be too late, then, and the pain they will feel will take their breath away. That doesn’t make me happy, of course. Crippling pain never does.
I could go on and on (trust me) about the adult children who do this. I could point out that many are guilty of emotional abuse when it comes to the way they treat their parents… I could point out that many do this because of a deep-seeded fear of losing their parents to age and death… I could point out that these individuals need therapy… BUT this isn’t about them.
This is about the innocent ones.
Done with the Crying (and this review, for that matter) wants to help pick up the pieces and, more importantly, help hurting moms and dads find a way to make everything “fit” again.
Yes, even without a missing piece. Life is still beautiful and happiness is still possible.
While it seems painfully simplistic, the truth of the matter is, you have a choice: Keep looking at the vacancy left by the missing piece or look at all the pieces that are still in place. The ones who stayed.
From the Back Cover:
Mothers of estranged adult children face a special sorrow. When even hope hurts, it’s time to make a change. Take charge of your health and happiness.As a loving mother of five to whom the unthinkable happened, Sheri McGregor knows the shock of estrangement that wrings you dry, triggers denial, anger, and even shame. Inside, you’ll find practical examples, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. You can be happy again. With useful tools and understanding, Sheri McGregor helps you plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.
“Thank you for Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children. The book is a must read for parents of estranged adult children and mental health professionals working with these families. Sheri McGregor’s work is a breath of fresh air offering a new perspective and providing support, encouragement, resources, and compassion to good parents that have found themselves in an unimaginable situation. ” —-Maritza Parks, LMHC, Inspired Journey Counseling
Allow me to say, right up front, that I cannot even begin to imagine this level of pain. I have lost loved ones to death, of course, and while that hurts and leaves a gaping wound – at least I know they didn’t walk away from me. I would imagine that this type of pain feels like a wound that just won’t heal. I can imagine that a parent of estranged adult children often feel hope, only to see it dashed again.
As the Bible says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick…” and this level of sickness is simply unthinkable.
About the Author
Sheri McGregor holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a Master’s in human behavior, and is a certified life coach. She serves on the advisory board for National University’s College of Letters and Sciences. As a prolific writer, McGregor’s articles on psychology, health, human behavior, and a variety of other topics have appeared in dozens of national and international publications. She has written for anthologies, websites, and organizations including the non-profit Families for Depression Awareness. Her two novels were first printed in the U.S., and then translated into several languages around the globe. McGregor’s hiking guides for the San Diego area are popular among outdoor enthusiasts and armchair readers alike. She leads readers down the trails with descriptions that reveal her appreciation for nature and how it calms the mind. McGregor’s work to help parents of estranged adult children began at RejectedParents.NET, which she founded in 2013.
{Review Continued Below….}
- Reading the author’s story will help you realize there is nothing wrong with you. You can see YOUR story in HER story and realize that you are most certainly not an isolated case. You will see that this does happen to good parents – parents who did not do anything wrong. I can’t help but think that kicking unnecessary feelings of guilt to the curb is the first step in healing. Why? As long as you feel guilty, you won’t allow yourself to heal. You’ll use the pain as punishment you WRONGLY think you deserve. You haven’t done anything wrong. This isn’t about you and it never was – it’s your child who walked away. Not you.
- You are not alone! Isolation is a terrible feeling, isn’t it? When you feel like no one understands, it makes the pain even more unbearable. Done With the Crying connects you with more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults. 9,000! Now that’s what I call a support group.
- Working through your emotions is much more effective than ignoring them. The author has even included wonderful written exercises to help you work through your emotions – which will help the healing process. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
- Learn to be happy again. As I said above (in innocent simplicity), you have to stop looking at what isn’t there and look at what is there. Staring at what isn’t robs from what is.
- Realize that you still have so many things in your life to be thankful for. Don’t let one person victimize you or your loved ones any more than they already have. Sometimes you have to literally say enough is enough.
- While Mothers are mentioned on the cover, dads, this is for you too! Done with the Crying is for any (and all) family member who wants to heal and move forward.
- Learn to live again. You have the rest of your life ahead of you! This wonderful book will help you see how you can hold your chin up high, dry your eyes, and get on with your life. It’ll remind you to focus on the ones who HAVE your back and stop allowing the one who TURNED their back to steal any more of your happiness.
From Amazon: In Done with the Crying, Sheri McGregor, M.A., helps parents break free from emotional pain—and move forward in their own lives.
As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan ahead, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over setbacks and pain.
You can be happy again. In a calm yet authoritative voice, and with exercises derived from her work as a life coach and her own recovery, McGregor helps mothers who did their best to come to terms with their estranged adult child’s choices, and regain their health and happiness.
To fathers of estranged adult children—this book can help you, too. “Ninety-three percent of the parents who answer my survey at RejectedParents.Net are mothers,” says Sheri McGregor. “That’s why the title is directed at them. But many of the book’s examples are from couples, and include the experiences of fathers. Some passages directly highlight men’s reactions, including my husband’s. The principles presented are relevant to fathers, and the strategies for coping can be used by anyone.”
In this encouraging and comprehensive book, McGregor fully covers the phenomenon of estranged adult children from families who never expected a son or daughter to cut ties and walk away.
Nine in-depth chapters provide dozens of inspiring examples from among the thousands of parents of estranged adult children. Gain understanding and practical help from a mother who knows the pain of this devastating loss with all its uncertainty and heartache. Hope can remain, but you don’t have to stay stalled, forever waiting. You can move past the disbelief and distress. Take charge. Reclaim yourself and your life—only maybe even better.
One Step at a Time
A few years back, my husband, our youngest daughter (Stephany), her boyfriend, and I were walking at a State Park here in Kentucky. It was a blistering hot day and to make matters worse, Steph and I had been sick for a few weeks. We were both feeling incredibly weak, but neither one of us wanted to cut the boys’ fun short. Occasionally, as we walked through the park that refused to end, we’d look at each other like, “Is this agony, or what?”
Once when the boys were ahead of us (okay, when weren’t they?), I whispered to her, “Do you legs feel like noodles?” to which she said, “Very wet, very painful noodles. I think I might just die.” I echoed the sentiments and reassured her we’d probably make it out alive.
Before we could get (happily) back to our air-conditioned vehicle, a set of concrete steps loomed before us. We exchanged another look and I tried to convey a motherly “One step at a time” message to her with my eyes.
Each step took more out of us than we thought we had to give. Halfway up, we each stopped and caught our breath. At that halfway point, I distinctly remember wondering, “What would they all say if I just sat down for 10… 20… 90 minutes?” Naturally, we kept going. Was it easy? Heck no. But we made it.
One painful step at a time.
What came at the end of the agonizing steps? An air-conditioned vehicle with plush seats that drove us straight to an air-conditioned restaurant with plush booths, iced sweet tea and delicious food.
We didn’t go from grimacing to grinning in the wink of an eye. It took a series of steps which, of course, began with taking the first one.
If you are a parent of an estranged child, please see Done with the Crying for what it is…. your first step. I am hoping and literally praying that each parent who is in this painful situation gets their hands on this book. If you know someone who needs healing, please give them their first step.
Happiness and even joy are waiting for you on the other side of a series of steps. Please take the first one now….
For more help and support, see Rejected Parents.net.
~ Joi (“Joy”)
Joi,
Thank you for reviewing my book. I’m so grateful you found it worthy of your time, and to recommend to others. You do good work, and are truly a beautiful person.
Sincerely, Sheri McGregor
I am dealing with estrangement from my adult child and could really use this book but I cannot find your email to send my request. Could you please tell me what your email is? Thanks.
Thank You for posting this Joi. I’m recovering from a major spinal surgery and although I thought this would bring my estranged children closer it has not. I’m not able to walk right now but reading is a joy to me and if you still have a copy of this I’d love to read it.
Sincerely
Lisa
i am a rejected mother. from the clutches of a so-called faith based residential counseling program (Rx induced depression), my (our) daughter exited after 8 months, accusing my husband and i of impossible atrocities .. eerily similar or exact to other daughters exiting the program. we haven’t seen nor heard from her since march 17, 2012 at 3pm. our only child. the pain is unimaginable .. i press on in Christ for He is my only hope in this nightmare. He is my hope and my rock.
Sherry, My heart breaks for you and your loss. Apparently, adult children accusing their parents of outrageous things is fairly common – though it baffles the mind! There is simply a lot of evil and, frankly, mental illnesses, that are rampant in our world today. You are exactly right, Christ is THE WAY. He comforts us when we feel for certain there is no comfort to be had. I hope you and your family will continue to lean on Him, as He is the only comfort you truly need. Praying for you and your daughter – I pray that she finds her way back home. – Joi
I couldn’t absolutely agree with you any more! This book is truly a “must have” ….Sherri has given us a part of herself and shared similar situations that we can relate to ….
I wish every parent that is being tortured with estrangement would read this book ….
Lisa, I am very sorry to hear about your surgery – back surgery is a major, major deal and the recovery is intense. Not only that, but it’s frightening to go into surgery. It breaks my heart that your children didn’t show up to support you. It’s just further proof that what they’re dealing with runs deep. I hope you’ll always hold onto the fact that they are the ones with the problem, not you – even though you are the recipient of the pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you recover incredibly fast from your surgery and are back on your feet soon. There’s a big, beautiful world out there and I hope you’ll embrace everything that comes your way.
I did, in fact, already find a home for this copy – but I hope you’ll visit RejectedParents.net and allow this very special author to help you find your way through the pain. Before you know it, I have a feeling you’ll be doing like she is… reaching out and helping others through their pain! – All my best, Joi
SadMom, I am so sorry for your loss and am sending a million and one good vibes and special thoughts your way right now. My e-mail is found on the Contact page and on the side, courtesy of a little orange envelope. Now that you’ve brought it to my attention, I need to have “Contact Me” written above these icons. I apologize – I recently redid my website and neglected to put those words back. Someone has e-mailed me and requested the book for a loved one – I wish I had a second one to send you, but I can offer something just as important – visit RejectedParents.net and allow the author and others who are in the same situation to help you heal. The wonderful support group that you can become a part of will help lift you up and help you find healing inspiration. I wish you all the best and hope your days are soon filled with more happiness and laughter than you ever thought possible! – Joi
Sheri, it was my pleasure. I am touched by the way you have turned your torment into a triumph by helping so many people. Whenever someone takes their misery and makes it their ministry, I get excited! I’ve heard from so many parents, already… just one day later. The fact that there is so much pain out there makes my heart ache – yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel excited because I keep hearing the same thing, “I never knew there were others like me..” and “I had no idea there was a book for us!” The hope that these people now have is palpable and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me tear up. I’m sending everyone I hear from to your website – I know you’ll take good care of them! – Joi
Linda – Hi! I feel the same way. I wish I could get a copy into everyone’s hands. The next best thing is to send everyone to her website, which I’m doing hot and heavy! Thanks so much for commenting. – Joi
What a wonderful review! I so agree that this book would be incredibly helpful for parents going through a heartbreaking time with an estranged child. Sheri, I love the cover! So happy for you that the book is done and out there, available to help so many… Congrats!
I am also rejected mom. My son is almost 20 and doesn’t want to have anything with us. It’s hurts and is painfully. Need some help
There is no surgery available, in the real world or otherwise, that forces people who have ceased contact to re-esteablish communication. This is nothing more than entitlement. Why would anybody wish to attend your pity-party? We all have failing bodies, what’s special about your illness?
There is no way this creature (“justason”) can be allowed to go unchallenged here. Sir, your hateful comment shows all just what type of mindset we, the rejected, are dealing with, and exactly why literature such as this book is so desperately needed by those of us who just don’t understand your type of thinking.
As you’ve made it to maturity, I’m assuming that someone decided that your cries in the night for food or a clean nappy were “special” enough to wake up and attend to, tho’ why some squawling brat demanding things from others at all hours could have been ignored and written off as “shrieks of entitlement, best to be ignored”.
& what was so special about YOUR sniffles, upset stomachs, problems at school, etc.? that made the people who loved and cared for you take time out of their lives to make you feel better? Nothin’, punk.
For you to come here and try to add insult to injury just shows that what we, the rejected ones, are learning to learn. You “estrangers” have some seriously messed up wiring in your heads, with no connection to your hearts. Y’all have some serious issues and rather than seek aid for your messed up minds, you live to spread your hateful damage as far and as wide as you can.
To this reviewer and to the author- please know that there are so many of us that are exceedingly grateful for getting this book out and spreading the word. ANYTHING that can aid “us” in surviving this hatefulness and hurt is such a Blessing. You’ve made positive contribution to the world, and have aided some of “the least among us”, and I, for one, am very grateful. Thank you!
You had mentioned that it shatters your heart when adults walk away from their parents. The mistake you are making is that not all adults are good mothers. Some mothers are abusive. There was a case in California where it was the worst abuse case in history. The child was left in the basement to starve. Murderers and sociopaths can still produce children. When its a situation of abuse, life or death, I understand the estrangement completely.
Then there is the other side where parents are good, but their are selfish brats in this world who feel a sense of entitlement. That is my daughter. And those situations make me angry. Sometimes its best that the mother walks away. The stress and drama isn’t worth it.
Every case is unique.
Thank you for the review. I will buy this book.
Amy – Absolutely, there are hideous, hideous parents out there but they aren’t even remotely the ones this book (or even the post for that matter) are referring to. If kids grow up and and leave horrible parents, the parents are simply reaping what they sowed… or being forced to answer when karma knocks at their door!
There are so many broken homes and shattered families in the world – I’m so glad when people, such as this wonderful author, do their part to reach out and help others heal. This is truly a remarkable book. 0 Joi
I came to this entry because I’ve been temporarily estranged from my mother for the last month. I’m trying to read articles and info from a parent’s perspective to try to get a better perspective on this issue. Reading that you feel an adult who chooses estrangement is the “embodiment of selfishness”, based on stories written from the perspective of the “innocent” parents hurt deeply because it adds to the stigma of people who have found the strength to severe ties in a toxic relationship, be it temporarily or permanently. And it’s coming from the perspective of parents that seem to have “no clue” on why their kids need a valley of space.
The truth is, relationships are complex and people don’t just walk away without a reason. That reason may not be apparent to all parties but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason. And having an “abusive parent” doesn’t mean being locked away and starved in a basement. My mother, who I do love, is a narcissist and is emotionally unware and emotionally abusive. If you asked my mother why I skipped the last holidays, she’d probably say, “I don’t know. X has always been selfish”….and whomever might hear that would just take her word because to the public, my mother acts as if she’s perfect and has a good relationship with her family when that’s only partially true.
I see no self-reflection in these posts on the part of the parents. I’m not saying that the children have no fault in these situations, but you’re not obligated to keep a relationship with someone who is toxic. Some of these parents may be unaware of their own toxicity. They may not be aware tbat the estranged child may not be willing to suffer from their condecending behavior, control, and emotional violence. You’re reading a story from one perspective and calling fouls when there’s three sides to every story – one person’s perspective, the other person’s perspective and the truth. And the truth is a mix of both. The truth is neither right nor wrong, it just is.
My mother will use emotionally charged emails, texts, her failing health and anything to get me to have a forced relationship with her. One thing I’ll never get is a true apology for her actions. She’ll offer me money (which she holds tight to the vest only to be given as a bit of leverage in a “look at all I’ve done for you, you ungrateful child” defense of her behavior). If I refuse money and gifts, then it looks as if I’m rejecting her. I’m not rejecting her–I’m rejecting her judt the ploy of using gifts and money to seduce me back into our abusive relationship. I’ve learned that material and monetary gifts from her are not given from the heart, but as a means to control.
I’m not saying the author here is right or wrong. What I’m saying is that those of us who choose to severe the ties may be doing it for the right reasons for ourselves. Self-care and moving away from abuse is not selfish and people don’t deserve stigma from walking away from abuse. Her son probably doesn’t have the words to articulate exactly why he walked away and refuses to talk about it. But perhaps the son is harbouring pain that the parents are unaware of and didn’t give him the tools for healthy communication and conflict resolution while raising him. If they had raised an emotionally sound and healthy son with emotionally sound and mature parents, he would be able to talk about these issues with them.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing to write a book to comfort parents going through this, but don’t shame people in a blanketed way based on these select anecdotes. Some parents have low emotional IQs or aren’t self-reflective. Some of them are covert narcissists who look at their children as extensions of themselves and not actual people with feelings and thoughts of their own. I’m not saying that the author and the subjects of her book are right or wrong. I’m just saying a lack of slef-reflection is observed and harsh conclusions are being drawn. I came here for a better and more articulate perspective on what I can do to make it better but I’m seeing the same lack of self-reflection I see in my own mother in this entry.