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Coping with an Illness: Overcoming Feelings of Sadness and Anger

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How to Find Happiness in Spite of Your Sickness

Lake Barkley at Sunset

  • How can you keep from feeling depressed when you have a chronic illness?
  • How can you feel happy when you’re sick?!
  • How can you keep diabetes (or high blood pressure, Celiac Disease, cancer, or other illnesses) from stealing your joy and happiness?
  • Can you be truly happy when you have a chronic illness?
  • How can I keep from feeling discouraged when I suddenly have to think about my health so often?
  • How can you get used to having a chronic illness?
  • How can I get used to checking my blood pressure daily?
  • How can I get used to giving myself a shot every day?

The above are what we’d have to call very FAIR questions. From what I’ve seen, heard, and experienced, the most difficult illnesses and/or conditions to handle are those that seemingly come out of the blue. They land smack dab in the middle of your world – completely  unannounced and most definitely without an invitation.

Welcomed or not, chronic illnesses and conditions become part of our lives and have little (if any) intention of leaving.

From Web MD: A chronic illness is a condition that lasts for a very long time and usually cannot be cured completely, although some illnesses can be controlled or managed through lifestyle (diet and exercise) and certain medications. Examples of chronic illnesses include diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, kidney disease, HIV/AIDS, lupus, multiple sclerosis…

Getting Used to Chronic Illness

While I named this section, “Getting Used to a Chronic Illness,” in all actuality what we’re really looking for is a way to make peace with a chronic illness. “Getting used to” something is pretty misleading. I mean, technically, how would one ever “get used to” pain or discomfort?

What we really WANT and what we really NEED is peace of mind. Peace is always better than war and when we find ourselves struggling with feelings of anger, remorse, self-pity, and frustration, we are at war with an enemy we must find a way to live with.

You may feel anger, sadness, and even a sense of being overwhelmed. You may miss how life used to be, before everything changed. I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with feeling these emotions.  You aren’t wrong to not want to be sick! You aren’t wrong to wish you were free from this particular illness or condition.

You’re human after all.

If you’ve read Self Help Daily (or my food blog for that matter), you know that I recently developed a chronic condition (or, more to the point, a pre-existing condition came boiling to the surface).  While I am THRILLED that I don’t have anything terminal or what we’d term “serious,” I am greatly annoyed by its presence. I’ve had to completely change how I eat and cook. For someone who has always been a very passionate cook, this felt like a kick in the gut.

Come to think of it… literally at times.

I had to completely give up gluten and wheat, which to be honest, I’m completely fine with now. The damage done to my insides, however, is something I’ll have to live with. My stomach is easily upset if I eat the wrong type of food and, thanks to the damage combined with a hiatal hernia, heartburn is a frequent, particularly unattractive guest.

The heartburn and GERD, actually, only showed up this year. Their “newness” is probably what has hit me so hard. Maybe your particular illness or condition are the same. Maybe, like me, you went YEARS without your illness – be it high blood pressure, Celiac Disease, diabetes, or any other “unattractive guest.”  I think you could make a strong case for these illnesses being much harder to cope with than those we have either all of our life or for over 10 years.

Here’s an example: Asthma is an old friend of mine. I’ve had it since I was a baby, so I don’t know life without asthma. Many times, my husband or daughters will hear me wheeze before I’ve even registered the fact. A while back, I realized I was short of breath and heard wheezes coming from my chest. I simply put down the book I was reading, found my inhaler, used it, and went back to my book. I never gave the process a second thought.

The very next night, however, I felt heartburn coming on and every emotional switch in my body went on high alert.

“Why?!”
“What the heck?”
“This is so not cool!”
“Where are those darn Tums?!”

Fortunately for my husband and cat, I didn’t have my mini meltdown out loud – all the angry questions took place inside my mind. After chewing a Tums, all was well and peace was restored in my chest and mind.  Then it hit me… why did I react like this to something as simple as heartburn and yet didn’t blink an eye to an actual breathing condition?

This article actually sprang forth from that single thought. When a new illness or chronic condition springs itself on you, it is a shock.  I think we tend to be in denial for a while..

  • … it’s just something I ate…
  • … I’m just tired…
  • … must have a bug…
  • …. this will pass….

Once shock and denial give in to reality, anger sets in – usually joined by sadness.  You read up on your condition and realize, “Life is never going to be the same again.”

Can you get used to the new condition or illness? No. You can, however, learn to live with it and even make peace with it.

I promise. Keep reading.

A New Normal

Think back to the first time you had to start wearing contacts or glasses. Think back to when (thanks to father time) you had to give up a particular sport – or at least had to cut back on the amount of time you spent with it. Think back to when you had to make the font on your computer screen larger. Think back to when you had to stop drinking so much caffeine.

If you’re like most people, these changes are so much a part of your life right now that you can’t even remember what it was like BEFORE.  Why are you so comfortable with them? They’re your normal.

Whatever chronic condition or illness you have right now is your new normal. The sooner you acknowledge it as such, the better you will feel.  And here’s the real heart of the matter – no matter what condition/illness you’re up against, you MUST HAVE a positive outlook and peace of mind. Being at war in your body will only make matters worse.

You must find peace, which means accepting that which is seemingly unacceptable. Acceptance can be the most powerful step we ever take.  That does not mean, in any way, that you are giving in to the illness. Heck no! It means you are making yourself remain calm and in control.

You’re basically telling it, “YOU’RE the newcomer. You’ve come into my life, but you are not my life. You are not going to rob me of any happiness, joy, or peace. What’s more, I’m going to use you to my benefit!”  (More on that last thing you told your illness in a minute – but, rest assured, you meant it.)

Here’s a little checklist for taking your new guest from nemesis to normal:

  1. Breathe. Take deep, cleansing, healing deep breaths and do so often. When we’re under stress, we often hold our breath without realizing it. That, or we’ll take frequent shallow breaths. Either extreme puts every system in our body on high alert because they assume we’re under attack. Naturally, this only brings about more stress, anxiety, and even feelings of panic. Breathe.
  2. Focus on Loveliness. Forgive me for sounding like a greeting card, but sometimes a flowery word like loveliness is the only one that’ll do.  Having a chronic illness or condition isn’t lovely. Heartburn, high blood pressure, chronic pain, multiple doctor’s visits, daily shots, frequent tiredness, headaches.. none of these are lovely. When you have one or more of them, however, they require a certain amount of attention. The trick is not to DWELL there. Give them the attention they require (whether it’s with medication, a nap, heating pad, ice pack, or good old fashioned hot bath), then step away. Don’t stand there staring at the wreckage, so to speak. Switch your focus to something… that’s right… lovely. For me, lovely is my family, my cats, birds, trees, animals, recipes, and flowers. For you, this may mean fishing, television, golf, or a home improvement circular! Move your mind, your eyes, and  your attention from the unlovely to the lovely and be cognizant of it throughout the day.
  3. Do your homework. Read up on your condition or illness and find ways others are dealing with discomfort, illness, restlessness, pain, or other symptoms you’re experiencing.  Do everything you can to find what works for you. It’s your life, remember, and the illness is a guest – not the other way around. Often, good old fashioned naturally “home remedies” can relieve symptoms better than anything else.  Chai Tea Lattes and coffee, for example, relieve my asthma symptoms better than inhalers and they’re tastier too. Naturally, if it’s too late for one of these miracles in a mug, I go with the inhaler. Do your homework – never replace a doctor’s orders with anything you turn up, though, and if you have a serious illness, seek his/her advice at all times.
  4. Practice being nonchalant. The next time your illness or condition presents you with discomfort,  respond with, “… well this is nothing…. it’s just _____.”  Saying the words is a powerful thing. Trust me, I’ve tried it! But you have to do it each time your nemesis looks you in the eye.
  5. Eat a healthy diet. Eating plenty of fruits and vegetables will make you feel better, inside and out. Many conditions are actually improved by simply eating a healthier diet and by getting plenty of vitamins.
  6. Take supplements if needed. Vitamin deficiencies are common among those with chronic illnesses. Low iron, magnesium, B vitamins, and Vitamin D can affect your mood as well as your body. Have your levels checked if you feel something is off. Getting the right amount of any of these vitamins can make a world of difference in how you feel – physically and emotionally.
  7. Get plenty of rest. When your body is coping with an illness or condition, it is working harder than you realize. That’s why we often feel so tired when we’re sick – our body is at work trying to heal itself. This extra work is exhausting! If you feel too tired to go to a party, say so. If you feel like turning in at 8:00, sweet dreams! You know your body better than anyone else. If it’s tired, let it rest.

Your illness/condition is your new normal. All the tears, outbursts, and sulking will not make it go away – they will only allow it to steal more from you than it already has. What’s more, emotional upheavals simply drain more of your body’s precious energy. Time it has to spend making sure your emotional state is balanced could be better spend making sure your physical state is balanced.

Deal with Emotions as they Arise

Okay. We’re accepting our new normal. We have no intention of allowing this new normal to rob us of our happiness or peace. However, there will be emotions that’ll need to be dealt with.  Having emotions does not make you bad – it makes you human.

  • When you feel overwhelmed by your new normal, talk it out with someone.
  • When you feel frustrated by the new restrictions in your life, focus on the things this illness can’t touch. Can you still sit in the front yard and listen to songbirds? Can you can still enjoy a book by your favorite author? Can you take a nice stroll around the yard or park? Can you listen to your favorite music? Can you spend a little time reliving favorite memories? Think of as many things you CAN do and don’t spend another minute thinking about the things you can’t do.
  • When you have questions, ask them.
  • When you hear a small voice inside ask, “Why me?” answer with, “Oh, that’s easy. Because you’re strong enough to handle it.”

No matter what end of the spectrum your new normal is – whether it’s GERD/Heartburn, High Blood Pressure, Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, or a disease I couldn’t even begin to spell… realize that it has already taken enough from you. Refuse to let it have your peace of mind or happiness.

{Continued Below…}

Quote About Perspective by Dr. Wayne Dyer

Using Your Illness to Your Benefit!

Earlier, you put your illness in its place. You told it that it was a guest in your life and that it wasn’t going to rob you of your happiness or peace of mind. Remember? You even told it that you were going to use it to your benefit. I’m not sure you believed yourself, so I’m going to try to back up your words.

Many people, when confronted with a chronic illness or life-changing condition, find that other areas of their life are enriched.  Whether you’re confronted with life and death with your “new normal” or are simply forced to alter areas of your life, make no mistake about it… you begin to appreciate life and all of its moments more. Little things pass away like a snowflake in a snowstorm. So-and-So‘s long hair… big deal. Such-and-Such‘s fifth marriage… hope this one takes!  Not enough money to buy a new refrigerator… kind of like the way this one moans anyway.

Seriously. When you stare eye to eye with an illness, you gain an insight to life that others simply don’t have. You appreciate the little things others step over. You watch them fly off the handle over minute things and wonder what the fuss is.

You appreciate life and all of its moments more than ever.

Perhaps this is why so many people with chronic illnesses enjoy sweeter relationships.  They don’t “pick” at people or measure their imperfections.  They don’t spend time thinking of ways this or that person doesn’t quite measure up.  When you appreciate life on such a huge level, you don’t take time to judge people – you use your time to love them.

Many people also use their illness to their benefit by “opening up” the world around them. They’ll take up new hobbies, learn new things, explore new places – each of which probably would not have taken place in their “old normal.”

Your new normal can bring a lot more to your world that is GOOD than you ever thought possible, but you have to let it. The more time you spend dwelling on the negative, the longer it’ll take you to get to a better place.

{Finished Below…}

It is what it is but it will be what you make it!

Final Thoughts

When you feel frustrated, sad, angry, or overwhelmed – cut yourself some slack. No one else can possibly know what it’s like for you. They would have had to lived YOUR life in the past and they would have to be living YOUR life now to know what it’s like for you.  Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself when you occasionally get down. The trick is to not stay down. Get back up and keep going.

Your new normal will soon become your normal – and you know how normals are, they’re barely given a second thought. They just are.

{Continued Below…}

Give yourself the time you need and the extra rest you will require. If you need a mid-day nap, take it! Don’t worry what others say or think – this is your life and you know what you need to feel your best. Stay well-rested, your body, mind, and emotions will all function better.

Also, remember that stress will creep in at times. Whether it’s extra medication, discomfort, or life restrictions, stress and anxiety will pop up from time to time. When they do, for crying out loud, don’t roll out the welcome mat! Insist that they leave immediately. Below are a few suggestions for getting rid of stress and anxiety:

  • Go outdoors. Fresh air and sunshine do wonders for your mood.
  • Spend time with your pet. Time spent with animals is never wasted.
  • Take a walk.
  • Read a book.  A great Agatha Christie mystery will keep your brain cells too busy to stress.
  • Watch a movie – an old western, maybe?!
  • Flip through a magazine or Avon brochure. It’s all but impossible to feel stressed when looking at nail polish.
  • Turn on Motown or Oldies.
  • Talk to a family member or friend who always seems to lift your spirits.
  • Last – but in NO way least – pray. Prayer chases stress and anxiety away and leaves peace and contentment in their place.

Three Week Challenge: Be Kinder Than You Have to Be….

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Be Kinder than You Have to Be
This is one of those “Self Improvement Hacks” that is so simple and so “flowery” that the average person dismisses it without a single thought.

I hope you aren’t average.

We’re all after the same thing – peace, happiness, joy, stress-free days, good health, and more reasons to smile than to frown.

More reasons to laugh than cry. More opportunities to speak positive words than negative ones.

We want happier families and relationships – everyone getting along, laughing, and enjoying life’s ride together.

One of the simplest paths you can take to this “ideal world” doesn’t involve hard work, special talent, acquired skills, or even money.

It simply calls for you to show up!

This challenge is simple: you just have to be kinder than you have to be for three weeks.

What does being kinder than you have to be entail?

  • Saying kind things to others when you’d rather just say, “Hi.”
  • Biting your tongue when you want to ridicule, criticize, or even “tease.”
  • Telling people to have a wonderful day… and meaning it.
  • Asking how their day was, THEN listening and actually caring.
  • Allowing others to think differently than you do.
  • Complimenting people for the sake of seeing them smile.
  • Doing little things that you know will make someone else happy.

The list goes on, but you get the idea – being kinder than you have to be means thinking about THEM instead of YOU.

But here’s the thing. This challenge isn’t even for them. It’s actually for you…. but, shhhh, no one has to know.

 

It won’t even take the full three weeks for you to reap the benefits. I promise you, you’ll feel happier and more at peace almost immediately. Watch how others respond to this kindness and watch how it makes you feel.

It feels good to be make others feel good… so good, in fact, that it’ll become a lifelong habit.

I promise. Please try it. Be kinder than you have to be for three weeks. You’ll never go back to being any other way.  It is truly one of the secrets to happiness, happier families, peace, and even better health.

~ Joi

How to Slow Down Your Life and Enjoy the Ride – Right Now

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Quote About Life and Happiness
The following article was written by author and member of the Speaker Hall of Fame Steve Gilliland. At the end, you can read more about Mr. Gilliland – you can also find more information about the books he has authored. I have not read them yet, but look forward to doing so. They sound fantastic, and if this article is any indications, I’d say they’re “must reads.” – Joi

by Steve Gilliland

It’s finally Friday night, the beginning of a weekend of freedom, which also happens to include your birthday. Your family, friends and spouse all have celebratory plans for you.

You have a rewarding career and a network of beautiful people who want to rejoice in your life. As you walk out to your car to officially kickoff the fun, a giddy thrill washes over you.

But as you click the seatbelt into place, rather than sitting in awe of how lucky you are, a list of concerns begin worming their way into your consciousness: “I need gas, but the conveniently located gas station charges more than others … I hope it’s not a surprise party … Maybe I should get the beverages I like before going home … I haven’t been to the gym all week … Did I pay the electric bill?”

And so it goes.

“I think we’ve all had this experience, which often has us psychically living 30 minutes into the future – no matter how great the present circumstances might be,” says Steve Gilliland (www.stevegilliland.com), a member of the Speaker Hall of Fame and author of the widely acclaimed “Enjoy The Ride,” for which he is set to publish a follow-up that will be released in May 2015.

“Are we doomed to this torrent of noise which distracts us from enjoying our life? We don’t have to be.”

• Don’t live your life 30 minutes ahead of the present. If you won’t live your life now, in the present, then who will?

“An older man came up to me, grabbed my hand, and said he wished he’d heard me speak decades ago,” Gilliland says. “After I asked why, he said that when he was eating lunch on break or dinner with his family, he was always thinking about what he had to do after the meal, which represented his daily life. ‘At the age of 97,’ he said, ‘I’ve officially lived my life 30 minutes ahead’ – 30 minutes ahead of whatever he was doing at the moment.”

• Laugh more! It’s better than crying before you’re hurt. Don’t put your umbrella up until it rains. Worry restricts your ability to think and act effectively, and it forces you to mortgage fear and anxiety about something that may never occur. Laughter is the opposite. When you laugh, you’re living almost completely in the moment, and it’s one of the best feelings you can have.

• No one can ruin your day without your permission. As much as we cannot control in life – our genes, our past and what has led up to today – there is much control we may take upon ourselves. Today, for example, we can understand that life picks on everyone, so when the going gets tough, we don’t have to take it personally. When we do take misfortune personally, we tend to obsess, giving a legacy to something that may make you a day poorer in life.

• Cure your destination disease. Live more for today, less for tomorrow, and never about yesterday. How? You might have to repeatedly remind yourself that yesterday is gone forever, yet we perpetually have to deal with now, so why not live it? And what if tomorrow never occurs? There is a difference between working toward the future, which is inherently enjoyable in light of hope, and living in an unrealistic future that remains perpetually elusive. If tomorrow never comes, would you be satisfied with the way today ended?

“It is not how you start in life and it is not how you finish. The true joy of life is in the trip, so enjoy the ride!” – Steve Gilliland

About Steve Gilliland:

A member of the National Speaker Association’s Speaker Hall of Fame, Steve Gilliland (www.stevegilliland.com) is one of the most in-demand and top-rated speakers in the world. Recognized by his peers as a master storyteller and brilliant comedian, he can be heard daily alongside Jeff Foxworthy and other celebrities on SiriusXM Radio’s Laugh USA and Blue Collar Radio. With an appeal that transcends barriers of age, culture and occupation—plus an interactive and entertaining style—Steve shows audiences how to open doors to success in their careers, their relationships and their lives. He speaks to more than 250,000 people a year and has shared the platform with numerous dignitaries. Also, he is a prolific writer who has achieved popular acclaim with his books “Enjoy the Ride: How to Experience the True Joy of Life,” “Making a Difference,” and “Hide Your Goat: Strategies To Stay Positive When Negativity Surrounds You.”

His new book “Detour, Developing the Mindset to Navigate Life’s Turns,” which will focus on change, will be released in early May 2015.

Thanks so much to Steve Gilliland for sharing his wisdom with the wonderful readers of Self Help Daily!

Top 10 Mood Lifters

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How to Snap Out of a Bad Mood
Ever feel draggy? That’s my word for that feeling you get when you’re not physically sick, not exactly sad, and not remotely mad… you’re just kind of out of sorts. Like your normal, upbeat mood has BEEN beaten with a crowbar.

Bad moods happen to all of us every now and again – and usually we can’t put one single mopey finger on WHAT got us here, WHO did this to us, WHEN we’re going to feel normal again, HOW to snap out of it, or WHERE we can hide in the meantime.  All we know for sure is that, if our mood had a color, it’d be gray.

One of my daughters put her own spin on it once as she came through the kitchen.  I asked her how she was doing and she said, “I think my face has forgotten how to smile today.”  Draggy.

Whenever your face has forgotten how to smile, try one of the Ten Mood Lifters below.  These are 10 sure-fire ways to snap out of your bad mood fast. You’ll get an instant lift and – heck if you do them often enough, your face might just forget how to frown.

  1. Go outside.  A little fresh air, combined with natural sunlight is a sure-fire Pick-Me-Up.  Even if it’s smack in the middle of winter, bundle up and walk around your yard for about 10 minutes.  There’s something invigorating about the outdoors and it’s a quick cure for the droops.
  2. Take a stretching break. Stand up and stretch your hands toward the ceiling, then bend over and touch the floor.  Next, stretch slowly from side to side.  Repeat the entire cycle several times – breathing deeply the entire time.  It’ll refresh your mind and mood. Just be sure to take deep breaths – a lot of the feel-good power in stretching lies  in the breathing.
  3. Spend some time with a pet. There’s something profoundly peaceful and fun about petting a furry loved one. The love you give comes back and, let’s face it, it’s almost impossible to do anything but smile when you’re looking into an animal’s loving eyes.
  4. If possible, elevate your heart with a little exercise.  Aerobic activity is one of the best ways to slap a good mood on your psyche.  Take a walk, pick up sticks in your yard, or clean your house with gusto.  Get mooving and grooving.  If you do it with some really upbeat music, the effects will be even better. My favorite music to listen to when at times like this are 80’s and Motown – you just can’t stay draggy when Smokey Robinson’s Cruisn’. No way, no how.
  5. Recall a time when you couldn’t stop laughing.  It was probably a time when laughter was unacceptable, right?!  That usually seems to be the case.  In high school, my best friend, Randy, and I would break out into fits of laughter all the time.  Sometimes we’d be on the phone and there’d be no sound at all except laughter for 5 minutes.  When we thought we had it under control, one of us would fall victim to the giggles again, then the other would crack up.  I can still hear the sound of his laugh in my head and it still makes me smile. He’d love to make me laugh at the most ridiculous times – in the middle of class was his favorite opportunity.  He got me so bad once during a college lecture that I thought I’d pass out.  Actually, passing out would have been less embarrassing. My youngest daughter, Stephany, may have gotten my ticklebox at THE most inappropriate time, ever, though. When she was around 2, we were listening to a sermon… a long, long sermon mind you… at a church we didn’t normally visit.  She fell asleep halfway through the sermon. After about 30 minutes she sat up, and IN A FRIGHTFULLY quiet auditorium said, “He’s not through yet?!!”  One of her sisters (Brittany) fought giggles off with me – and about 40 other people –  but her other sister (Emily) looked more mortified than anyone has ever looked! When I need a good laugh, I think back to each of their three adorable faces at that moment.
  6.  Watch a favorite sitcom, stand-up routine or movie.  Laughter really is the best medicine, especially when it’s your mood that needs a remedy.  If you can’t get to a television, don’t underestimate YouTube.  Enter the name of a favorite old sitcom, comedian, or bloopers to a favorite show.
  7. Change things up!  If you’re able to, change what you’re wearing.  Brush your hair, brush your teeth, and even wash your face.  Your mind “gets” that you’re trying to start fresh and it welcomes the idea.  If you’re at work, straighten up your desk, readjust your clothes – maybe even untie and tie (or unbuckle and buckle) your shoes.  You know how you “refresh” a webpage if it hasn’t “loaded” properly?  Same premise.  Refresh and try again.
  8. Talk to someone who lifts your spirits.  All of us have at least one person who seems to make our life a better place just by being around. They always seem to know what to say and what not to say. Their attitude and humor act as a tonic.  If you’re feeling low, search them out – take them to lunch or out for coffee. Let them work their magic on you.
  9. Do something special for yourself. Whether it’s a trip to Starbucks or a bouquet of flowers (some days call for both), do something that’ll bring a smile to your face.
  10. Do something special for someone else.  I saved the best for last. When you bring a smile to someone else’s face, it’s impossible to feel anything but joy and happiness.  By the same token, making your cat purr or your dog wag its tail will also bring about great contentment.  When you create happiness for others, you create it for yourself as well.

~ Joi

Symptoms of Growing Older: 10 Non-Physical Things to Watch Out for

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How Old Would You Be if You Didn't Know How Old You Are? - Satchel Paige Quote
The last time I worried about growing older, I was the ripe old age of 24. My birthday was around the corner and I remember thinking, “Holy cow, I’m going to be 25 years old… a quarter of a century!”

While I can’t help but laugh about it now, I remember it being quite a point of emphasis then. “A quarter of a century…”  The phrase kicked around in my brain for weeks.

Until I actually hit 25. Then I realized nothing different had really happened. I was still me. I still ate too much chocolate, still loved animals more than most people, still liked to color outside the lines, still wished baseball season lasted all year, and still vowed to make my daughters the most spoiled rotten little girls to ever twirl their hair and my husband the happiest husband to ever live, even if he often DID have to ask, “How? How can you spend that much money at the grocery store? How is it possible?”

Hmmm… that’s quite a few years ago and – you know what they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Funny thing about birthdays, they insist upon coming annually. I learned, long ago, that your age is just a number -nothing more. Norman Vincent Peale said it best, “Live your life and forget your age.”

Works for me!

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” – Sophia Loren

In this particular post, when I refer to growing older, I’m referring to the really interesting years… the particularly colorful ones beyond age 48.  Why did I choose 48? Because that’s usually the age that people begin to see the shadow cast by the big 5-0 and start to freak out just a little bit.

There are countless books, blog posts, magazine articles, and television shows that tell us all what to look out for physically as we age. We’re encouraged to have regular PHYSICAL checkups, so we can be alerted to anything unlovely before it grows into something dangerous.

This post is taking a page out of that book, but I want to look at things we all need to watch out for EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY as we age. Below are some of the “common problems” that can turn up over the years. That’s the bad news – the good news is this: If we do regular “self exams,” we’ll be able to nip them in the bud before anyone ever even notices them.

Before we get to the 10 culprits, remember a few things:

  • Take an honest look inward with each one. All of them won’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “A-HEM” but one or even two will probably hit a little close to home. If NONE sound like you – look in the mirror and say, “You rock!” Then make a special note to never let any of them creep up on you… you’ll want to stay a rock star, right?
  • Don’t just read the words, then forget them by this time tomorrow. Carve them into your mind (especially the ones that make your subconscious clear its throat loudly) and perform regular self exams.

Top 10 Non-Physical Problems to Watch Out For As You Age

  1. Talking too much about your health. Now, don’t jump off the deep end – if someone asks how you’re doing, tell them. Just don’t fall into the trap of letting the majority of your conversations revolve around your aches, pains, weight, medications, stomach problems, or HEAVEN FORBID bodily functions. (Disclaimer: If you have serious health issues, your family wants and needs to know how you feel. Just don’t get stuck in a cycle of letting your every sentence involve your health. There’s no surer way to appear ancient than that.) This one kind of got me recently. I hurt my back recently and, I hate to brag, but this is the most painful week I’ve ever hobbled through. Anyway, I caught myself saying again and again, “My back hurts.”  I said it to the kids, the hubby, the cats, the pillows on the couch, God… as though none of them could tell with me popping Tylenol with one hand and positioning my ice pack with the other. The last time I said the words, I silently told myself, “Enough! If you say it again, I’m hiding your chocolate.” Not another peep from me.
  2. Expecting everyone else to do things for you.  Three words: Why should they? If you are physically able to perform your own chores….. shouldn’t you? My grandmother cooked Thanksgiving and Christmas meals up into her late 70’s.  Heaven help you if you dared ask if you could bring a dish or help clean up afterward! She took joy in her tasks and pride in her work.  Could she have, easily, passed off work to the rest of us? Of course. But NOT ONCE did she ever play the “age card.” She was far too smart to shine a spotlight on her age and far too proud to want to appear weak or incompetent.  She knew it was far more attractive to appear strong and capable. If you’re physically unable to do certain tasks – that’s a different ballgame. Then, by all means, politely ask for a little help. But, be honest with yourself – if you’re capable… you’re capable. Besides, staying mentally and physically active is the best thing for you. .. as long as you don’t put yourself in harm’s way or do something “dang stupid.”
  3. Moaning, Groaning, Sighing, and Complaining.  As they grow a little older, some people tend to gripe about everything they have to do. They have to sweep the garage? Prepare to hear about it for a couple of hours. They have to make a phone call? Get ready for the longest sigh you ever heard. Philippians 2:14  encourages us to “Do all things without murmurings and disputings.” (KJV). Different versions of the Bible use different words for murmurings and disputings such as complaining, grumbling, arguing, doubts, division, etc. Basically, this verse is God’s way of saying, “Go about your task quietly.” And don’t you wish more people would?! This isn’t an age “thing” as much as it is a personality “thing” – some people just seem to think they shouldn’t have to do any darn thing – but, as people grow older, they often tend to think everyone else should do their bid and call and IF they do have to do something on their own… well, you’re going to hear about it!.  Philippians 2:14 is a much more peaceful approach, isn’t it? Don’t be a martyr. Don’t be a victim. Is what you’re having to do really worth all that drama?
  4. Becoming too content. Wait – isn’t it good to be content?… absolutely. IF you’re referring to the type of contentment that means you’re happy and at peace. However, there is a real danger in becoming content with things we really shouldn’t ever be content with –  like our knowledge. We should always want to know more tomorrow than we know today. We should always want to learn new things. That keeps the mind sharp and the heart young.  Try to learn something new every single day.
  5. Shhhh, don’t look now, but are you becoming an old grouch?!?! Have you ever seen an older man or woman in public and instantly thought of the Grinch of Whoville fame? I certainly have and each time I wish they could see a mirror. They’d probably be horrified. Unless you just watched your best friend get abducted by two headed aliens, there’s just no need to go around looking like that.  No… not being able to find what you’re looking for in Aisle 3 is not an excuse. Having to wait in line for 5 minutes isn’t an excuse. Frankly, there is no excuse EVER to wear an expression that would frighten small children. Seriously, do you want to be that person? Whenever I see someone like that, I always want to ask them, “Really? Is life that bad?!”
  6. Being overly judgmental about young people. Okay, this one’s a pet peeve. I guess it’s because some of my favorite people – people I love DEARLY – are young people. I simply hate to hear someone running down “today’s young people.”  Are there areas where they need to “shore up?” Of course. Do some of them make highly suspect fashion or hairstyle choices? Boy do they?! But, here’s the thing – think back to when you were a young person. Would your grandparents (or maybe even parents) think you were an exemplary citizen?! Doubtful.  Being a young girl or boy has got to be tougher than ever these days – what with social media, the media, expectations, peer pressure, etc. Don’t pull out your holier-than-them vibe or make hateful expressions. Don’t say unkind, unnecessarily rude things to them. Again, do you want to be that person? Of course not. You’re cooler than that. Realize that everyone has their own journey – you’re taking your’s, allow everyone else the same freedom.  Walk along with them… but never try to make them step into your footprints.
  7. Becoming Hyper-Critical and Condemning. Come on,now.. life’s not that bad! Remind yourself that just because YOU don’t get it doesn’t mean it can’t be GOT. Whether it’s Twitter, today’s movies, today’s music (though, by gosh, you’d have a leg to stand on there), television.. whatever.  By all means, express your opinions – but don’t suck the life out of everyone else’s day in the process. Here’s a quick example. When I was a teenager, my mom would let me put the radio wherever I wanted it when we were in the car. She didn’t complain about the music I listened to – in fact, she sang along. She, invariably, got the words wrong… but she didn’t nag, complain, or try to make me feel stupid for liking what I liked. I remember one song’s lyrics she blew especially bad. The song went, “Whatcha gonna do when she says Good-Bye.. Whatcha gonna do when she’s gone..” My mom sang, “Whatcha gonna do when school’s out? Whatcha gonna do when it’s gone.”  One time she even turned to me after the song went off and said, “So.. what are you going to do when schools’ out?” I told her “Sleep and maybe watch soap operas all day.” She laughed and slipped in a little mother-in-law joke. Contrast that to what it would have been like riding in the car with an adult who starts ranting about how bad this music is – how kids today don’t know good music.. yadda yadda yadda.  Thank God my lyric-butchering mother didn’t want to be that person.
  8. Neglecting how you look.  Recently, my youngest daughter (Stephany) and I saw a lady who had to be 80 years feisty in Kroger. She had on a snappy looking hot pink top, gold bracelets jingling against one another, expensive looking ankle boots, and glittery fingernails. I told Steph, “That WILL be me one day!”  If you always embraced being a girl, keep on embracing. Guys, keep grooming… girls keep glamming. Instead of thinking, “I’m getting to old to care – it doesn’t matter any more…” take the lady with the glittery nail’s approach – I’m going to rock this age!
  9. Failing to slow down.  This may seem like an ironic one, but it’s really a problem for A LOT of people – especially men.  The further past 40 some guys get, the faster they go. Their mindset seems to be, “I gotta make all the money… gotta work all the hours… gotta make all the money…” Nope. Actually, you could slow down enough to enjoy your family and the world around you. No one ever said, from their deathbed, “Dad-gummit, I wish I’d worked more! I wish I’d chased that almighty dollar more!”  Truth be told, money would be the furthest thing from their mind. Way, way, way, way after thoughts about their loved ones. Slow down – not just your mindset, but your daily approach. You don’t have to blaze a trail throughout the house, for example. Slow down and go about your day with purpose and clarity of mind. You’ll misplace your cellphone far less often that way!
  10. Make your own sunshine. With Self Help Daily, I write a lot about happiness – how to be happy, how to get happy, how to stay happy… I throw out a lot of words, but the crux of all the verbiage is this – if you want to be happy… be happy.  Choosing happiness is the best decision you’ll ever make.  Sometimes as people grow older (remember, we’re talking about the 48+ crowd primarily), they somehow want to shift the role of making them happy to someone else. Big mistake. It’s no one else’s job or role to make you or me happy. Putting the key to our happiness in someone else’s pocket makes about as much sense as baptizing a possum. Instead of wondering when “the last time _____ called” was, call _______! Instead of complaining that no one comes to see you – either go see them or get busy having so much fun you don’t care who – if anyone – is there to see the shenanigans!  It may sound brutal (sometimes that’s what’s called for), but the reason “they” may not come around more is you’re a real downer! Maybe you  feel sorry for yourself or complain too much. Maybe you’re a world class conductor on the Guilt Trip Train. Maybe you snarl and frown so much “they” have forgotten what your smile looks like or even if you have teeth or not.  Be the sort of smiling, happy, fun, uplifting, and encouraging person that draws people to you.  Get so busy having fun and enjoying life that “they” want desperately to step in your sunshine!

The 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond (don’t laugh – people are living longer and longer) can be the happiest, funnest, most peaceful, and enjoyable years of your entire life or they can be the most negative, loneliest, grumpiest, darkest years.

The choice is your’s.  The key is in your pocket and it has been all along.
~ Joi

“There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.” – Author Unknown