Relationship Advice and Articles

You’ll find a growing collection of articles about relationships on Self Help Daily. The topics cover:

  • Building solid relationships
  • Improving relationships
  • Healing and fixing broken relationships
  • Learning to get along with people
  • Making your relationships stronger
  • …. plus a lot of bonus relationship advice!

Read through the pages below, and let me know if you’re unable to find what you’re looking for.

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Very, Very Special Gift Idea for Mom

Make this a Mother's Day Neither of You'll Forget

by joi

in Make a Difference, Relationships

A Community Garden

I have been meaning to post about this for about a week now – but with the week I’ve had, I’ve had to write notes on Post Its that say, “Breathe.”  Occasionally I see the reminder and breathe.

When I have time.

But as I’ve always said, when we’re our busiest, we should be our happiest.  Grateful to be alive and healthy enough to be busy and thankful to have things to keep us busy.  Even when it’s ridiculously busy.

Breathe.

Mother’s Day is just around the proverbial corner and you’re probably thinking about gifts for one of the most special people in your life right about now.   I hope you’ll read the information below (and visit the links of interest) and take the opportunity to touch your mother’s life as you also touch other lives.

Mom wouldn’t have it any other way.

You can give your mother something she’ll treasure as you help those who need it most. The Community Garden Rescue Gift is spot-on for the mom with a green thumb, for example, and the Emergency Food for Children Rescue Gift is a beautiful way to thank the mom who always kept her kids well-fed and nourished.

This Mother’s Day, family and friends can delight the moms in their lives with a gift that gets to the heart of motherhood – a Rescue Gift.

Rescue Gifts like Emergency Food for Children ($68), a Community Garden ($60), and a Flock of Chickens ($30) are symbolic gifts that represent – and support – the very real work of the International Rescue Committee (IRC). The IRC protects and empowers mothers and their families whose lives have been disrupted and uprooted by conflict or natural disaster around the world. Gift-givers can choose the Rescue Gift with the most meaning for their mother – including several with a food focus – and dedicate it in her honor. We send gift recipients a beautiful personalized print or digital card to let them know how their Rescue Gift contributes to vital supplies and services for vulnerable people struggling to endure.

Plus, shoppers who spend $75 or more will receive a stylish “Rescue” T-shirt designed and donated by Threads 4 Thought, or they can opt to have it sent as a gift.

“The Walking Dead” star, IRC Voice and proud mom Sarah Wayne Callies is endorsing Rescue Gifts and giving Maternal Health Care ($52) this Mother’s Day. Following a recent trip to see the IRC at work in Ban Mai Nai Soi, a refugee camp along the Thai/Myanmar border, she said,

“I had my child with a midwife and I could not see any difference in the quality and the thoroughness of the care the women were getting at Ban Mai Nai Soi and the quality and thoroughness of the care I received … Even the little scale they were using to weigh the babies was exactly the same scale my midwife brought to my house, stuck my kid in, and hung up. It was amazing to see.”

While flowers wilt and chocolates melt, “Rescue Gifts” have a lasting impact and are perfect for:

The socially conscious giver or receiver: Rescue Gifts make a real difference for people in need.

The eco-conscious giver or receiver: Rescue Gifts have a minimal carbon footprint and there’s no need to worry about wrapping paper.

The financially prudent shopper:  Rescue Gifts offer real value at every price point, from Mosquito Nets ($18) to Community Health Worker Training ($335).

The last-minute shopper: E-Cards for Rescue Gifts bought on Mother’s Day can be delivered right away.

About the International Rescue Committee: A global leader in humanitarian assistance since 1933, the International Rescue Committee works in more than 40 countries offering help and hope to refugees and others uprooted by disaster, conflict and oppression. During crises, IRC teams provide health care, shelter, clean water, sanitation, learning programs for children and special aid for women. As emergencies subside, the IRC stays to revive livelihoods and help shattered communities recover and rebuild. The IRC also helps resettle refugees given sanctuary in the United States. A tireless advocate for the most vulnerable, the IRC is committed to restoring hope, dignity and opportunity. For more information visit www.rescue.org.

Why We Should Carefully Watch Our Words

Does the Word Boomerang Mean Anything to You?

by joi

in Positive Thought, Relationships, Self Awareness

Speak no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil monkeys!

Deliberate much before you say and do anything; for it will not be in your power to recall what is said or done. -Epictetus

Have you ever said something and instantly wished you could grab the words by the tail and eat them.  Or, better yet, go back in time and never let the words out in the first place?  Since we’re all human (unlike the trio above), we’ve all been there. It’s a downright sickening feeling when words come out of your mouth and you can’t do anything about it other than stand in the ruins.

Fortunately, for me as well as those who have to listen to me, I’m one of those people who almost always lines my words up and quickly examines them before they come out of my mouth. This practice came about because of something I called “mommy speak.”  I was a “stay at home” mom to our three beautiful little girls. As you may know, I home-schooled each of our daughters all the way from Kindergarten to 12th grade.  That’s a lot of time spent with little people!  I quickly realized that the way I related with my girls might not be appropriate with an older crowd, so I got into the habit of examining my words before allowing them to make an appearance.

I lived in fear of telling a perfect stranger to brush her hair before someone thought she was a cave girl, or telling my husband to eat all of his vegetables if he expected any chocolate cake. While playing a board game with adults once, I was bumfuzzled when none of them knew who snuffleupagus was.  I thought, Seriously, don’t these people watch tv? I instantly wished I’d used chocolate or an UPS truck to indicate brown – but to me, Big Bird’s buddy was synonymous with brown.

Mommy speak.

I’ve heard enough people (politicians excel at it) open their mouth, THEN examine their words.   Most people simply need to get into the practice of interrogating their words before allowing them out of the confines of their mouth.

Before inmates are released from prison, they have to face such an interrogation.  Given the fact that words can do as much damage as a convict who’s on top of his game, it’s obvious they need to face similar inspection.  A few things to ask yourself before the words come flying out:

  • Will this hurt someone’s feeling?  Some people seem to forget that people have feelings.  Just because the speaker may be hardened, doesn’t mean everyone else is.  No one deserves to have another person tear them down with words. It’s called bullying and it isn’t the least bit attractive. Even small children have feelings and unkind words can shatter them like glass.
  • Am I speaking out of anger? Speaking under the influence of anger is as dangerous as driving under the influence of alcohol.  Take deep breaths, calm down, then speak. It’s best for everyone, including yourself.
  • Are these words for ME or THEM? Most of the time, the things we say are self-serving.  A father will call his daughter’s boyfriend names to make himself feel good. He isn’t thinking of the young man, his daughter, or the rest of the family. He’s thinking of himself.  His words make everyone uneasy, but none of them truly matter. He’s only thinking of himself.
  • Will any good come from this? If nothing GOOD or positive will come from your words, why not just keep them to yourself?

It’s worth mentioning a special word to parents.  I never cease to be amazed by how much my daughters actually remember about their childhood. Sometimes one of them will be walking or having lunch, and they’ll come up with a memory from what seems like a lifetime ago!  Thanks be to God that they’re almost always positive, happy memories.  The point is, kids have excellent memories and the things you say to them (even in anger) STAY with them.  If you have children at home, make certain you’re giving them words you’ll want to revisit them time and time again.  Because they will.

Young parents go through A LOT of crazy things in life. Many times there are job changes, moves, family drama, and so on. Just remember, don’t take it out on your children. One day, they may be all you have.  Say words to them today that you’ll WANT them to repeat to you one day.  Even when disciplining them, do it with love and remain calm. As adults, they’ll respect that.

Whether it’s with children or other adults, watch your words because they’re very much like boomerangs.  They’ll come back to you and their sense of direction couldn’t be more accurate.

The Root of the Problem:

The reason people say things that’d be better left unsaid has more to do with their brain than their mouth or even their temper.  People who use words as bullets generally do so because their thoughts lead them to it.

No one’s good enough to suit them, no restaurant’s up to their standards, etc. If their thoughts were a tv station it’d be ONTH: Only Negative Thoughts Here!

Every word out of our mouth has a source of origin. This source is thought.

Guard your thoughts and, in turn, you’ll guard your words.

Quote About Love for All Girls to Memorize

Truer Words Were Never Written

by joi

in Daily Quote, Relationships

Happy Valentine's Day LOL Cats

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, that’s her. – Unknown

I wish I had a dollar for every time I put this quote in front of my daughters’ faces over the years.  I could buy my husband a boat and possibly Kentucky Lake to go with it!

More quotes about love. 

Dealing with Rude People

When You Can't Run and Hide!

by joi

in Positive Thought, Problem Solving, Relationships

Rude, obnoxious people are like snakes in the grass. Running and Screaming in the other direction isn’t just my first impulse, it’s my first, middle, and last impulse.

As I’ve said before, I always welcome topic suggestions on my self help blog. I even have a contact form on my mental fitness website where readers suggest subjects they’re interested in “hashing out.”  After all, if I’m going to talk (cue my husband, “She most definitely is going to talk.“), I’d rather talk about what YOU want to talk about than what I want to talk about.

Anyway, a recent subject brought up in my e-mail was this: “How do YOU deal with obnoxious, mean-spirited, and generally unpleasant people?“   I replied that my first response was AVOID THEM LIKE SNAKES IN THE GRASS! Naturally, that’s not always possible, so we simply have to out-class, out-smart, and out-pleasant them… which, fortunately, is never very hard.

My new e-mail friend (bless her) works with the public and sees humanity on parade each day. She tells me that, at work, she knows how she has to deal with difficult people: She has to smile, be courteous, and try to resolve the situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. Her real problem was people who aren’t her customers (co-workers, neighbors,  etc.).

Just as she and I were about 4 e-mails deep in our discussion about difficult people, I got another message from someone else asking if I’d ever had to deal with “jerks” online. When I stopped rolling on the floor, laughing, I replied that I’ve seen enough “jerks” online to populate a small country. One I’d never want to visit, I might add!  This individual was tired of rude comments left on Facebook and Twitter from people who don’t even have enough guts to use their name.  You know the ones – the spell checkers, grammar police, and general know-it-alls.  The people who serve no real purpose in the world and never actually help anyone or anything.

Apparently this person (I honestly couldn’t tell from the name if they were male or female – it could go either way. I love the name, though, and plan to use it on my next cat) had ran into some of these online cesspools of negativity. They’d made the mistake of trying to reason with them.  Never. Do. That.  They simply aren’t worth your time.

Here’s my personal routine for handling these characters:  I smile (because I’m not them), I keep singing along with whatever song I’m listening to at the moment (without missing a beat), then I delete every proof that they ever existed in my world (they’re toxic).

When it comes to dealing with negative, difficult people, I think the most important thing to realize is this: They’re the ones with the problem, not you. Plus, as I’ve often told my daughters when they’re dealing with hateful people: To a certain extent, you kind of have to feel sorry for them.  After all, how much bitterness, anger, negativity, and downright misery must lie within them for them to be so disagreeable?

Difficult and negative people entertain difficult and negative thoughts.  That’s where it all starts. If they’d learn to cultivate positive, helpful, and generally pleasant thoughts, they’d cease to be snakes in the grass and they’d find more people gravitating TO them instead of running away FROM them.

Every thought is a seed.  If you plant crab apples, don’t count on harvesting Golden Delicious.  – Bill Meyer

Most of the time, the most miserable people you know are, indeed, the most miserable people you know.  If they behave in a miserable way, chances are the action springs from a miserable inner pool. If they mean something to you, I’d suggest trying to find ways to help them be happier. If you have to be around them any time at all, you’ll benefit from it at least as much as they will.  Try to avoid confrontations and do all that’s within you to keep conversations cordial and positive.  Arguing with difficult people only brings you down to their level and, in many ways, allows them to win.  They were able to ruin your day and, for a period of time, make you as miserable as them.

Refuse to give them that!

Simply ask them, “Is there anything bothering you? Anything I can help you with?”  The funny thing is, very often JUST the words alone will snap them out of their ugly mood.

Negativity is a very real, tangible, and hurtful thing. My husband once spent a few days with a colleague – on a golf trip.  When he got back home, he nearly threw himself into our house. I watched as he, literally, tried to “shake off” the experience.  The other man was, apparently, one of those people who is never, ever satisfied.  He complained about this, he complained about that… and when he got through, he complained about complaining.  The negativity was so thick, I suspect my husband found it hard to breathe!

Dealing with difficult people is tricky, make no mistake about it, and only you know for certain how to handle your own personal Oscar the Grouch.  However, since you are the person I’m worried about here, as opposed to O.T.G., I want to look out for you.  Below are the top 3 things to remember when handling the negative and rude crowd:

  1. Realize that THEY are the ones with the personality problem, not you. They’re the one with so much negativity inside that it’s oozing outside. Get away before it gets on you.
  2. Don’t mirror them by sinking down to their level.  You should never mirror anyone, of course, but if you ever DO try someone else’s “look” on, make sure it’s attractive. Why’d you want to be ugly too?!?!
  3. Never allow anyone to rob you of your happiness.  They say misery loves company. Just because the invitation’s sent doesn’t mean you have to accept!

What are your ways for dealing with difficult and/or negative people?!

Something for Human Spell Checks (and Grammar Checks) to Keep in Mind:
More times than not the individual you’re trying to “call out” is at least as intelligent as you. More times than not, they know very well how to spell the word in question. Even if they did not, berating them or trying to come across as their superior does nothing for them OR you. The individual who made the error could have been sick at the time or they could have recently lost a loved one, for that matter. Having said that, they may have made a good, old-fashioned spelling error! Human mistakes are something we all make, you included. Instead of stepping on someone in an effort to make yourself feel bigger, why not spend a little quality time with yourself and figure out why you can’t stand tall on your own two feet.

Beautiful Quote About Relationships

Something to Think About, No?

by joi

in Daily Quote, Relationships

Beautiful quote about relationships

” If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?” – Stephen Levine

I don’t, as a rule, like to think about anyone or anything dying.  And when I say as a rule, I mean I never, ever do it!  I’d much rather focus on living. However, when you put things into the sort of context that the quote above chooses, you quickly realize that any loving words left unsaid are wasteful.  They could potentially be the most wasteful words, accompanied by the biggest regret, of your life.

We’re right in the midst of the beautiful holiday season. Thanksgiving’s on our front porch, Christmas in just down the road, and New Year’s Day is around the corner. Take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities around you to let the people you love so much that you can’t imagine life without them KNOW that you love them so much that you can’t imagine life without them.

What good do the words or feelings do if they stay in your heart and mind. Let them out and watch the magic begin.

A Few Lessons from Last Night’s Episode of Survivor

Courtesy of a Few Unexpected Instructors

by joi

in Relationships

Survivor Logo

If you know me at all, you probably know what a big fan I am of Survivor. I’ve loved that show for so long I can’t remember life without it. Usually, it’s simply an enjoyably entertaining hour – spent with my family. We love to pick our favorites and battle it out along with them. Seldom do we ever pause the television to discuss something profound. Many great family conversations have been kindled by Survivor (as well as The Biggest Loser and similar shows), but they’re usually no deeper than a glass of iced tea.

However, last night, something one of the players said caused a few of us to sort of pause, look at one another and – literally – take a few minutes to allow it to sink in. The player in question is one of my, as well as my oldest daughter Emily’s, favorite player: Coach. He was nuttier than a squirrel’s breakfast when he was on Survivor before, but he’s coming across as intelligent, insightful, and Spiritual this time around.

And he wears it well.

He’s also thinking circles around the other players. Some of the things he has figured out has left us asking each other, “How’d he know that?” Anyway, it’s shaping up to be one of the funnest seasons ever.

Last night, Coach was talking to another contestant, Cochran. Cochran is a highly educated and intelligent young man. Athletic? Not a chance? On top of his social game? Far from it. He’s decidedly off beat – so far off that one wonders if he’d recognize a beat. On his team, Cochran was apparently picked on unmercifully. After the merge, Coach told Cochran that he understood what it was like to be superior to other people in some ways (such as being intelligent), and to KNOW you are. He went on to say, in his own way, that people will often perceive that you are intelligent and will, therefore, look for weaknesses in other areas to exploit – in an attempt to bring you down to their level.

Some of the guys on Cochran’s team knew he was smarter than them (OBVIOUSLY, given a few decisions, but that’s another story!). Rather than allow themselves to feel inferior to someone with a higher IQ, they found weaknesses and harped away at them.

It’s the sort of thing that happens in life on a daily basis, isn’t it? People automatically know when someone has something “up” on them, so they look for flaws and mistakes as though there were a reward for finding them. There’s no prize for fault-finding. If there were, there wouldn’t possibly be enough prizes to go around.

I think Coach’s assessment is important to realize, and to keep in mind, no matter which side of the equation we find ourselves on. We’ll sometimes be the one with more on the ball and we’ll sometimes be the one unaware there IS a ball. Been there. To a very real extent, we should focus the majority of our energy, time, and mindset on where we are in life. Are WE the best individual we can be and are we doing the best WE can. Don’t fall into the trap of worrying so much about what this person is doing or what that person isn’t doing.

Take care of the only person you can or even have the right to control… yourself.  Never try to pull anyone down to your level or try to lift yourself higher by stepping on another.  By the same token, if someone consistenly seems to pick at you..

  1. Avoid them if at all possible.
  2. If you can’t avoid them, realize that they may be trying to knock you down because, deep down, they feel inferior.

Another lesson most definitely played out last night as well.  Cochran’s original team seemed to be the team to beat. They had SO much going for them. But they failed to get along with one another. There was FAR too much fault-finding and dissension.  The way you treat people MATTERS, and if you don’t see it today, you will tomorrow.

A strong player was voted off last night and it all came down to the way he treated others.   One of the players on Coach’s team (Brandon) pointed it out after the votes were cast. What goes around comes around.

Our words, as well as the way we treat others, are like boomerangs.  We think we can hurl them into the air without repercussions – until, that is, they come back and smack us upside the head. The Golden Rule says to treat others the way you want to be treated.  I take it even further than that.  I try to treat others as I’d want my family to be treated. When an older person is driving in front of me, I never get on their bumper because I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to do that to my older family members.

If a young cashier or server is struggling with something, I’m as patient as I’d want people to be with the young people I love.  This morning, a man at my grocery store was as lost as Judas, wandering aisles, looking at his list, then blankly at the aisles.  It occurred to me that if my husband were in that boat, I’d want someone to lead him to the shore – especially if I were waiting to make supper!  So I asked him if he needed help finding anything. He said, “Where would vinegar be?,” and I pointed him in the right direction.  The grateful guy (with a wife at home sick) said he’d been walking in circles for 10 minutes.

I wondered how many people had seen him without helping.  Granted, I also wondered how you couldn’t find vinegar in 10 minutes, but I didn’t tell him that. He had a Chicago Cubs jacket on, so he has suffered enough.

It boggles the mind to think what the world would be like today if everyone treated others as they’d want their spouses, children, and parents to be treated.

One final word. Our every word and our every action have the same origin: Our thoughts. Before one person is a complete jerk to another person, he harbors negative, mean thoughts. Before one person says something completely mean and hurtful, he thinks mean and hurtful things.  When we learn to plant positive and constructive seeds in our mind, we’ll grow positive and constructive words and actions.

Shouldn’t that be everyone’s goal?

A Few Thoughts About Tolerance

With Quotes That'll Grab You By the Face

by joi

in Relationships, Self Improvement

Tolerance

If you approach each new person you meet in a spirit of adventure, you will find yourself endlessly fascinated by the new channels of thought and experience and personality that you encounter. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Tolerance. Beautiful word. One of my favorite words, actually.  When I think of tolerance, I think of acceptance and compassion. I think of tolerance as living in a state of NOT over-expecting, hyper-criticizing, condemning,  judging, or looking down on individuals or causing them to feel “beneath you”.  Of realizing that you may not be as far-removed from the one you’re standing in judgement of as you may think.

Intolerant people turn me off faster than my husband turns off Rascal Flatts music.  When it comes to him and their music, one “note” and he changes the channel.  With me and the intolerant crowd, one word and I, too, tune out.

Some things are simply in our nature.   My nature, to its very core, hates to see one individual believe himself or herself to be above another.  I fully understand condemning certain behaviors – there are behaviors I abhor all day long and twice on Sundays.  There are also certain thought processes that make me wonder if an individual has all their marbles.  However, I don’t feel hatred or condemnation for the marble-less crowd.  I generally just thank God that they don’t live under my roof.

I started thinking more about tolerance and it’s mindset recently. Within one day I heard of parents who were over-reacting to a mistake their teenage daughter had made. Over-reacting to the point that the young girl wanted to take her life.  The parents made her feel as though she had failed them in every conceivable way and that she’d, basically, ruined their lives.  It was too much for a 17 year old girl to handle and she began looking for a way out.

Later, that same day, I saw a woman (50ish) LITERALLY yelling at a woman (80ish) who was driving in the car in front of her – apparently much too slow for her liking.

Always try to maintain complete tolerance and always make an effort to give people more than they expect. – Scott Hamilton

Let’s take the parents first… we’ll get to the screaming banshee in a minute.

Parents oftentimes panic.   Mind you, we have the most stressful job in the world.  As the mother of 3, I understand this as much as anyone.  Someone once told me that I was probably the most emotionally strong person they knew. I told them, I lived through the most stressful period of time a human can endure: Three teenage daughters AND an over-protective “daddy” all under the roof at once.   It’s a wonder I don’t have residual tremors.

I’m all for strong parenting. You’d have a tough time convincing me that (in this day and time) there’s a such thing as being too strict. I’m also all for having a set of house rules and sticking to your guns.  However, I’m not for panicking or for making your children feel as though they’ve disappointed you or failed to live up to your high and mighty standards.  Something parents have to remember about their child is this: It’s their life.  It’s not yours’. You brought them into the world but that doesn’t give you the right to try to live their life for them.

Parents, today, have to keep something in mind. Something very important.  The world young people live in, today, is vastly different from the one you and I grew up in.  What’s more, we have NO WAY to say for certain how we would handle these times. Think about it – our “world” was different from this one.  The media, the music, the television shows, the clothes… everything. There’s no way we can say, with absolute certainty, WHO we would be if we had been born 20 years later.

For all we know, some parents today would be a lot worse than the kids they gripe about.

I thought about this very thing recently and, to be perfectly honest, as a teenager, I’d have been as big a Facebook flirt as anyone.  This much I do know!

Here’s what really frustrates me. The same father who wore his hair long in the 70′s criticizing his daughter’s nose piercing or his son’s tattoos. HELLO… earth to dad!   If he could travel through time, he’d see self-righteous people sneering at him, talking, behind his back. Then, if he traveled back to the present, he’d see that he’d BECOME those people.

And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had more of a tendency to look for people who live by kindness, tolerance, compassion, a gentler way of looking at things. – Martin Scorsese

Bottom line:  When you’re thinking of judging, criticizing, or condemning, think about how it makes you look.  Ask yourself if you think anyone’s ever done it to you.  Finally, ask, “Do I really want to be THAT person?“  And when your kids mess up, be there to catch them… not throw them down.

As for people who get overly agitated with older people…. like the screaming banshee…. again, tolerance comes into play.  Our reactions (in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s) are different from the reactions we’ll have when we’re older.  I wanted to ask the screamer if she really wanted an 80 something year old woman speeding down the road.  And… pet peeve alert… what does getting on an older person’s bumper accomplish? Are you that heartless that you want to put them into a ditch?

Tolerance.  Realize that, first of all, this is someone’s mom, dad, grandmother, and/or grandfather.  How would you want someone to treat this person if it were your family member. Would you want them to scream at them, get right up on their bumper, and give them the stink eye.   Of course not! You’d think, “Keep your distance dumb a$$, they have as much right to be out as you do.”

If we’re lucky, we’ll one day BE the older person driving carefully down the road.  And, I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d want would be some smart alack youngster making me feel like I was nothing but a nuisance.

Finally,  I just want to end with this:

  • Smile more at people.  Instead of sneering at a young girl or boy who look ridiculous to you, smile at them. You may be the only adult who does all week.
  • If someone is driving slowly in front of you, look at it as a reminder from God to slow down and enjoy the ride.
  • When you see an older person in public, smile and speak.  I go out of my way to do so and the smiles returned to me make my day.
  • You never know what’s going on in another person’s life or what they’ve been through.
  • Make tolerance and compassion your buzz words.
  • Karma is simply God’s sense of justice.  I firmly believe that how you treat others will come back around to stare you in the face.

Human beings seldom step outside of themselves to really grasp the needs and fears of others. We often project our own thoughts and beliefs upon strangers, and make judgments based upon how we think they ‘should’ be living their lives. If only we could experience a few moments inside the feelings of another person, the world would be a much more compassionate and benevolent place. – Chelle Thompson

Brief and Straight to the Point Relationship Advice

From the Sick Bed... Achoo!

by joi

in Relationships

Love and enjoy your family

Skipping stones and having fun with your family, does it get any better than that?!

This will be one of the shortest posts of all time on the self help blog.  Why is the normally long-winded me being so uncommonly brief today?

  1. I have a summer cold to end all summer colds.  You forget how miserable a cold makes you until you have one. When it hurts just to blink, you remember… oh, do you remember!
  2. Some points don’t have to be driven in. They’ll hit their mark all by themselves.

I just want to pose a question.  When it comes to your loved ones – your friends and family – do you love and enjoy them for who they are or do you spend most of your time trying to make them into what you want them to be?

If we focus on the things we wish were different in the people we love, we’ll never accomplish anything positive. We’ll simply push them away.  When someone feels that a particular person doesn’t accept them – that they never measure up to their expectations – they’ll begin to avoid them. Why wouldn’t they?!!  They’ll simply find people who DO accept them, people who DO think they’re perfectly “good enough.”

They won’t just walk to them – they’ll run!

If you’re one of those people who seems “bent” on focusing on people’s faults or seems to automatically gravitate toward negativity and criticism – do yourself the biggest favor of your life and STOP.  When you stop being known as the negative one or the number one source of criticism and doom-and-gloom, you’ll find the people you love being drawn closer to you.  When every word out of your mouth isn’t negative, people will listen to you more often and more intently.

Make your goal be loving and enjoying your family and friends, NOT changing them into the image you want them to be.  Ultimately remember, it’s their life and if you want to be a part of it, you’d better respect that.  Be the sort of person you’d want to be around and you’re home free.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others. – Benjamin Franklin

Can You Hear Me Now?

How Humans Sometimes Wax Ridiculous

by joi

in General, Relationships, Spiritual

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye but consider not the beam that is in thy own eye? - Matthew 7:3

I’m often fascinated with humans. We can be so ridiculous. Regardless of the evidence to suggest otherwise, we’re convinced that we are, almost without fail…

  • the one in the right
  • the one being “wronged”

For example – and I’m as guilty as anyone with this one -  When we’re in a hurry, we get incredibly annoyed with slow drivers.  How dare they poke in our way?! Why don’t they just stay home?! Yeah, that’s reasonable – they should stay home just because they hinder our speed.  A few days ago, I was in a blistering hurry and a woman (around 70 years old) was in front of me going about 5 under the speed limit.  Before realizing it, I mentally called for her license to be cut up.

Mind you, I kept my distance because the only thing worse than slow drivers are the goobers who get right up on their backside.  But, I definitely wanted to cut up her license…. simply because she was slowing me down. And it was my own fault! I’M the one who should have left earlier. Obviously she did.

However, when we’re out for a casual drive, how mad do we get when other drivers are rushing around?!  We’re like, “Where’s the fire?!” or “Go, ahead, drive like hell, you’ll get there soon enough.”  That one’s always a lovely sentiment.

Ridiculous humans!

Another example is one that I’m actually not remotely guilty of (go figure!).  Have you ever seen someone who was flabbergasted, annoyed, and generally peeved because they were asked to repeat something?  Then, have you seen the SAME person get flabbergasted, annoyed, and generally peeved when they have to ask someone to repeat something? When they have to do the repating, it’s the OTHER person’s fault. They either:

  • weren’t paying attention
  • weren’t listening
  • can’t hear worth a lick!

When they have to ask for something to be repeated, it’s the OTHER person’s fault, of course.  They either:

  • mumbled
  • whispered
  • didn’t say it right

The point is, we all have to ask for things to be repeated sometimes.  Sometimes there’s too much background noise and we didn’t quite catch it.  Sometimes the other person REALLY didn’t have their volume turned up very loud.  And sometimes, someone speaks to us when our thoughts are a billion and one miles away.

It happens!

Also, I’ve noticed that if my sinuses are really full, it affects my hearing. It kind of feels like I just got out of a swimming pool sometimes.

If you find yourself having to ask for things to be repeated from just about everyone (as opposed to only one or two people) on a regular basis, you might want to get your hearing checked. Getting corrective hearing devices is no different than getting a pair of glasses or contact lenses.  They open up a whole new world and you’ll be amazed at everything you’re missing!  I’ll never forget the look on my mom’s face when she heard birds singing again.  She was like, “Joi! Do you hear that? Birds!“

I just don’t get why people on either side of the equation get annoyed. I mean, how hard is it to repeat a couple of words?!  Smile (after all, they actually care enough to want to hear what you said) and simply repeat what you said.  If you keep getting annoyed, they’ll eventually quit caring what you ever have to say!  I noticed this with my mom and mother in law.  They each became very hard of hearing.  Most of us simply turned our volumes up around them, without getting annoyed (of course).  However, some impatient people would act “put out” when they had to repeat something – so both ladies simply wouldn’t ask them to repeat.  They’d either just laugh or say something completely off the wall.  My mother in law would sometimes just say, “Hmph.” Such a character.  The look on her face when she hmph-ed was priceless!

Also, a word of advice is you happen to know someone who is a little (or a lot) hard of hearing… this should be obvious, but if they keep asking you to repeat yourself, guess what… you aren’t talking loudly enough for them! Here’s the thing, people speak in different tones and volumes and sometimes one person out of a hundred has trouble “tuning into” your frequency.  If it’s the case, for both of your sakes, speak up!

Finally, I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t throw in a little motherly wisdom:  Take care of you ears.  There’s absolutely no reason to play a radio (especially in a car or with headphones) as loudly as most people do. It’s horrible for your ears.  Turn the music down for crying out loud – it’ll still be the same music.

You’ll just be able to still enjoy it 10 years from now.

How do You React When Others Let You Down

Do You Demand Respect or Command Respect?

by joi

in Positive Thought, Relationships

Rusty Heart

I hate to be the nice-y nice police…. no, wait.  Who am I kidding? I don’t mind at all. Pin the badge on me!

I’ve just been wondering something lately.  Why are people, for the most part, so rude and inconsiderate?  Why does the average person seem to only care about him or herself – as though this is THEIR world and everyone else is put here merely to serve them?

People fly off the handle to restaurant staff, store clerks, bank tellers, and so on. If they’re the least bit inconvenienced, the fangs come out and the air turns blue.  What’s up with that?  You have to wait 10 minutes for a table – is it really worth making a complete ass of yourself?  If your time is so much more precious than everyone else’s, why not be civil? Kindly inform the workers that you know they’re busy and that you can see they’re working hard.  Ask them if there’s any indication that a table will be ready for you anytime soon.  If not, take thyself to the next restaurant!

If a cashier makes a mistake, why not point it out with a smile?  Why not be civil about it rather than being a jerk? She/he isn’t out for you, they’re simply human and made a human error.

If your webmaster or webmistress linked a word to the wrong page, why not simply point it out?  Why rant, belittle, and nominate yourself for jerk of the year?  Simply point out that there’s a little goof and ask if they can fix it when they get a chance?

If your son doesn’t put the hammer exactly where you want it, why not say something like, “Buddy, dad (or mom) tends to get busy and have a tough time keeping up with things.  Could you help me out and make doubly sure things go back where I know they’ll be? I’d appreciate it!”  It’s a lot better than, “You &*^%#! You NEVER do anything right!  I ALWAYS have to pick up after your *(#*&!”

For one thing, only jerks use “never” and “always” in disagreements. Oh, and first graders.

Secondly, why rattle someone’s cage or push their buttons? If you want them to help you, make life easier for you, or do something for you (which is what you’re after in the first place), doesn’t it make more sense to have them on your side?!?!  You want them to respect you and you certainly want them to like you.  If they disrespect you or think of you as a rude jerk, honestly, how much effort do you think they’re ever going to put into putting and keeping a smile on your face?

It’s the start of a new week. It’s the perfect time to think about how you act and react to people when you’re inconvenienced, annoyed, or disappointed. If you know you’re a ranting, finger-pointing, nightmare for everyone in public and private, ask yourself why you think you’re this way.  For example, is it what you grew up with?  Or were you in the military, where screaming was the norm for flawed situations?

Irregardless of WHY you tend to overreact now, realize that you do.  Also, realize that the people you treat like this don’t deserve it.   What’s more, YOU don’t deserve it. YOU deserve to be respected and loved by all and if you’re being a jerk, it’s just not going to happen.  The next time you feel like someone hasn’t done enough for you (or they weren’t quick enough, or they didn’t do exactly what you wanted…), catch yourself. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re, literally, having a temper tantrum and looking like a perfect fool.

It’s just not a good look for anyone.

Not long ago, I read an interview with Dick Van Dyke.  (Love him!)  He said that he wasn’t a fan of reality television because he didn’t think it had a good effect on society.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love quite a few reality tv shows, but I can see where he’s coming from.  Think about it, few people on reality television shows act like you’d want anyone in your family acting like.  Most of the time, they’re very selfish and incredibly greedy.

Ironically enough, Survivor just wrapped up and the winner just so happened to have lied to a guy who was supposed to be his close friend.  Yes, that’s part of territory.  My biggest problems with him were the fact that he used a very impressionable teenage girl and completely pulled her strings.  He did the same with two other very young girls.  I’m sorry if I’m overreacting to it all – and I apologize if you disagree with me.  However, I’m a mother of three daughters which gives me a great amount of compassion and concern for young girls. I go off the deep end many times when it comes to young people and animals. Have you noticed?!

It was just uncomfortable to watch at times.

At several points, an unpredictable, volatile man would be screaming at these young girls.  This “winner” never intervened, never stepped in, and never came to the girls’ defense.  There wasn’t anything in it for him.

He not only won the title of Sole Survivor. He was voted fan favorite as well.

Mr. Van Dyke makes a stellar case.  And this is one of the more “reasonable” and socially conscious reality shows.

Okay, grumbling over.  Back to the real world.  It matters how you treat people, and I know you know that.  The problem is, when we’re annoyed or inconvenienced, that goes right out the window.  Yet it shouldn’t – after all, that’s the time people are watching you the most!

Let kindness, understanding, and patience work for you – they’ll do more for your cause than immaturity, yelling, sulking, or name-calling ever will.

If people would start treating others the way they’d expect to be treated, the world would certainly be a better place.  That’s a golden idea, isn’t it? Why hasn’t someone thought of that before?

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